Author Topic: My Story Thread 35 - Done and Dusted  (Read 2324 times)

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« on: August 30, 2019, 02:54:27 AM »
Previous Thread : https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10942 

I have the feeling this thread may last a VERY long time before I have to start a new one, if I do.... The title says it all. xW2's divorce is all but final as of today and I am not a "Stander" as such so my contributions here are not really in keeping with the purpose/mission of HS. I'll see how it goes and won't make any rash decisions at this point......

So, it took 30 minutes to put the end to a 17 year marriage.... Now, we just have to wait 30 days for it to become official. Since I didn't have a lawyer (didn't need one - yes, I am WELL aware that I have had one of the easiest, non-monster, cordial Mid-Lifers in the world. I guess the Karma Bus decided I had paid my dues WELL in advance the first time around) we were not allowed to put a final fork in it today. Technically, if I wished, I could hire a lawyer and file an appeal if I had a good reason. xW2 (now THAT hurts) can also file an appeal within the 30 days if she wants but her lawyer basically said that there wasn't a valid reason to do so. After 30 days, the time for appeals is over and xW2's divorce is REALLY final.

I don't know - at the moment, I feel like it is just the "official" end to 4 years of limbo. I'm sure I'll have some moments over the next few hours/days/weeks/months..... At this particular time, I'm just kind of flat.... <meh>

At the same time, my class starts next week (Education for Ministry) and there are a few things that are coming down the pipe that will change things around a bit.

Life goes on - it can bring us to our knees at times but it is our choice whether we stay there or we get up and start moving forward.... Live well and completely, my friends. Love extravagantly and in abundance. We only get one shot at this life.

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #1 on: August 30, 2019, 03:32:30 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, UM.

I had a "nice" MLCer too, and like you, I paid my dues with my first xh.   ::)

I think the only thing I felt when it was final was relief. 
It was finally over.  Not more waiting, no more limbo, and in my case no more lawyers!

UM, there are a lot of people on here who are no longer standing.  Doesn't mean you can't be here.   Good Lord, half of us would be gone.
You have many friends here who love and care about you, and your advice is always welcome and spot on.  Plus you bring some laughter which is sorely needed sometimes.
Besides who would keep us updated on the full moons?   ;D  ;D

I hope this new thread is a good one for you, UM.  You never know where this new life is going to lead you.  ;)   I wish you all the happiness your heart can hold.

Warm hug
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #2 on: August 30, 2019, 03:37:46 AM »
UM
I'm am sorry it came to this. I know this is not what you wanted and you did everything you could.
For me, it doesn't matter if your a stander  or not my friend. Your info, advice, all help you have given me since I came on this site has been a huge thing for me.

I'll be praying for you man. 

Offline Tyks

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #3 on: August 30, 2019, 03:51:09 AM »
Um, sorry it came to this. But on the bright side, four years of limbo is over. I hope you stick around like the rest of us "non standers". You have a lot of info to share and people really do love you. As thunder said, if only standers were here there wouldn't be may people !
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Whyus

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #4 on: August 30, 2019, 04:23:41 AM »
Welcome to your new thream UM, I hope that you stay around.
A divorced non stander can be a real success Story, you will have your "downers" but hopefully you will bounce right back up.... This is a $h!tety day to say the least, Chin up UM.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #5 on: August 30, 2019, 07:19:20 AM »
Yes, chin up!  I know this has to be a really hard day.  Your presence here brings some much needed laughter and I agree that you can be a success story even in divorce.  Better days are ahead.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #6 on: August 30, 2019, 07:21:39 AM »
Tbh UM as Thunder says, lots of divorced LBS here  :)
Plus maybe divorce adds another layer of detachment and a perspective that might be helpful to others who are currently less detached?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #7 on: August 30, 2019, 07:57:39 AM »
Thanks for all the replies.

Divorced isn't the issue as I see it, rather that I'm done but, like I said, no rash decisions.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2019, 09:34:59 AM »
UM I am sorry about the divorce.

I know I struggle with being here too... being divorced and having paved the way with tacks and nails at this point. I came here looking to save my marriage and try not to lose my mind in the process but I met some really amazing people along the way who I call friends. I really have a hard time imagining my life without them. There are some truly decent, kind and compassionate people here.  I hope you stick around and show us there is an amazing life still waiting for us after divorce. You have a lot to offer those still consumed by the fire.       
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2019, 09:46:20 AM »
UM, I’m sorry to see the end of your marriage.  While I completely understand your need to be “done” I wanted to let you know how much you have meant to me and many others here.

In my deepest and darkest days I would sit at the kitchen table in the morning drinking my coffee and crying.  I would sign onto here and I would find the absolute funniest things from you. Many times I laughed out loud through my tears. 

You have a gift of making people feel better through humor.  I hope you continue to use it in your life.  I know you will.  Take a break, find out what the next chapter of your is going to be and focus on UM. 

Know that you are going to be missed and know that you have helped many in so many ways.

God bless and may you find peace. 

Roo
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2019, 11:30:20 AM »
UM... As a newbie I don't have much to say other than live long and prosper ,🖖 , you have been one good teacher and continue to be.
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #11 on: August 30, 2019, 11:52:53 AM »
I am truly sorry about her divorce. After all the stories, after my own experience, I still do not understand why they do this.

Ursa, you are a wonderful human being and your care for others is greatly appreciated. I too love to read your insights, smile at your "meme's" and appreciate everything you do on HS.

Whatever you decide to do regarding HS, is all good.....being "done" and knowing so clearly that you are done, I can see why you may think you might wish to get away from the stories here.


I disagree with this statement:

Quote
I am not a "Stander" as such so my contributions here are not really in keeping with the purpose/mission of HS. I'll see how it goes and won't make any rash decisions at this point......

Actually, I estimate that there are more people who are not standers than standers on HS and all are welcomed. I see that your rationale is more related to being done but this site serves a large range of people..just needed to say that. Respect is what is key and you have always shown a great deal of respect for everyone here.

Good luck with your Ministry education! Thank you so much for the hours and hours you have spent helping others...a true gift to us all!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #12 on: August 30, 2019, 01:20:05 PM »
Joining your new thread UM. When I joined HS, I was very confused, wondering if it was MLC, blaming myself.. Typical newbie I guess.. I posted my story and my doubts and similar to what Roo said, your response made me laugh out loud at a time when I spent a lot of my day crying.. I will be forever grateful for the time you spent giving advise and making me laugh, not just in my threads but in many others..

I actually love the fact that this forum has a combination of standers, non standers, done, divorced, indifferent, moved on, etc. because it gives a healthy mix of stories and many different outcomes that are considered successful stories. So I don't think you will be "the odd one" here. But I understand if you decide to close this chapter in your life and move on because let's be honest, we would've all preferred to never have the need to find HS. So as our stories evolve, some people will stay and others will prefer to go. You will be missed if you go but you need to do what's right for you.

I hope you have something nice planed this weekend UM.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #13 on: August 30, 2019, 02:57:30 PM »
Hey UM, looks like the new moon plays to your strengths...should we call it a Bear Moon?  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #14 on: August 30, 2019, 06:31:49 PM »
Sorry about the divorce, UM. It really sucks. And sorry about being done.

I really appreciate all you've done for me and for HS. Your sage advice and comic relief has helped make my own journey a little more bearable. I hope you stick around, but I really hope you do what's best for you.

Lighting a candle for you Sunday. Praying that the next chapter in the life of UM is a happier one.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #15 on: August 30, 2019, 07:22:06 PM »
It would be a shame to lose a member of the 2015 class, UM.   Sending a cyber hug. 

Hope you and the kids have a good weekend. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #16 on: August 30, 2019, 09:39:52 PM »
I know that you feel like this is "an end" and it probably is for you,  but it will be interesting to see how your exwife deals with her life now that she got what she thinks she wanted. I expect that she is in for some nasty surprises when she discovers (IF she discovers) that it wasn't the divorce that she actually needed after all. I look forward to your stories relaying her messed up comments.

Chin up Ursa, I am just over ten years post bomb drop and am happier with my second husband than I ever was with my first. You just never know what the universe has in store for you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #17 on: August 30, 2019, 11:39:22 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Ursa.

I actually love the fact that this forum has a combination of standers, non standers, done, divorced, indifferent, moved on, etc. because it gives a healthy mix of stories and many different outcomes that are considered successful stories.

Same. I love the mix and all sorts of stories and outcomes. 

So I don't think you will be "the odd one" here. ~

Nor do I. I understand if you do not wish to stay around, but not being a stander and being done do not excluse anyone from being here. People still have a lot to offer. If nothing else, their own story, outcome and success.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #18 on: August 31, 2019, 04:51:52 AM »
I'm sorry, UM.  Done is truly a different place.  Sometimes you have to let go of old things, to pick up new and better things.  Doesn't make it easier,  but still true at the end of the day.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #19 on: August 31, 2019, 08:45:03 AM »
Hello,

I understand your feelings at the moment. You have a lot of mixed emotions and I felt the same. I was off the forum for over five years after being a regular for three. Dealing with my MLCer and then being divorced was too much for me. However, during my time on the forum then and now, I never manged to bring "Life of Brian" or "The Big Lebowski" to the forum either.

You have a great gift of insight and bring a sense of humor that helps all of us deal with our lives in the real world and it would be a great loss if you stopped posting.

As many have stated being done doesn't prevent you from being a part of the forum. You can always post about your life and your children as you continue your journey.

Remember, the forum is not about the life of your MLCer-they add some seasoning and drama. The real story is all about you.

((((Hugs))))

Ready


"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2019, 05:51:15 AM »
I actually decided to log in today just so I could check up on your thread. I knew that today would be the first day of it being ''official''.

There is no point in me saying sorry that this happened, wished it didn't or wish you a different outcome...Lord knows if we could make wishes come true none of us would be here right? ::)

But I will say that I hope whichever path you take, you find a happy place for you. Be that here on HS, or away in the world living the way you want.

I do enjoy your jokes...you and I have a very similar sense of humour and I enjoy it, you would be missed by lots of people...and the threads would get out of control :o ::) :P.

But I also know sometimes we have to just cut everything out of the past, so that we can heal. And if that is what you need I support you in that too.  :-*
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #21 on: September 02, 2019, 04:04:59 AM »
Some of the professional audio files are finally trickling in from the Kildare Concert.... ;D

It's much nicer if you have a good stereo or decent set of headphones as opposed to a cell phone or PC speaker :o

Gloria & Sanctus/Benedictus from the Tallis Mass - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhS0dNdl9xeExKdE9adENRTzM2dGVXaWoxaDBZ

Palestrina - Sicut Cervus https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhZFBoVGFSalFvektRZG5hMWpETmhDM1Z3dGZB

Hammerschmidt - Machet die Tore Weit - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhQi10NHBWN2tnVm5WcDZkNWRmQnExM0RUMVg0
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #22 on: September 02, 2019, 04:14:13 AM »
Just beautiful... you guys sound like angels singing.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #23 on: September 02, 2019, 05:02:46 AM »
So, after a total $#!t day Friday, a bit better day Saturday and a pretty decent day Sunday, as the Germans say, "Ich habe die Kurve gekriegt" or "I rounded the curve/bend.'

S12 & D8 were with me Friday so xW could "drink." The way S12 portrayed it, she was going out with her TGFs ... whatever... She wanted to pick up D8 but was not going to commit to a time (control anyone?) and I said that was not going to work for me so I'd drop off D8 when I was done shopping so around mid-day. The next morning (Saturday) she says that she'll pick up D at 11:00 so I made SURE I was NOT at home. At 11:00 she calls to say that she was "so tired" after walking the dog that it would be later, around 2 hours... It still fit in my time plan so I let it go. an hour later, she says she is on her way so I got D ready and she was waiting when xW showed up.

S12 and I went to a farmers fair that they host every year to benefit a charity where a friend of mine volunteers that helps kids and mothers in Nepal (building housing, schools, etc., and I got (again) some awesome spices and recipes... There is a recipe for a chicken dish that is just delicious (S doesn't like it because it is "different" but I sure do) and then he and I went to a party in our old neighborhood that I am always invited to. I grew chilies (SUPER hot ones Bhut Goloka - Ghost Chilies) and I made a huge batch of Bulgar salad (sort of like Couscous salad but with Bulgar wheat) and put one of the chlies in it. Now people in my old neighborhood know that I make stuff that can scorch the paint off a car and they usually look forward to it... this time was no exception... But, if you got one of the little pieces of that yellow chili, it was HOT!

Sunday was church as usual and S was supposed to go swimming with xW, TGF3, and her son (who was one of S12's besties) so I dropped him at xW's on my way.  Evidently, Bestie didn't show up because he was too late, xW didn't go in the water at all, and S12 basically entertained himself by jumping off the 5 meter (15 foot) platform... xW again said that she'd drop of S12 "by 8 pm at the latest because it was a school night." I asked her around what time and she said "by 8" I wrote back "No, that is not good enough. I need an approximate time so I can make my own plans... and know around when I need to be at home." THAT caused her a bit of consternation and she replied "OK, then at 8 pm. Sorry for telling you about the swimming so late." I mean, the Bear actually has a life and does stuff?  :o

Meanwhile, I had an interesting conversation and a long walk with a RL LBS friend and my doggo in the afternoon sun.... One of the facets of the conversation was how much "detachment" one should be expected to have after the finalization of a D... Friends perspective was that I hadn't moved all that far along... Now, having said that, friend has a vanisher and was D'd 9 years ago so we got into discussing whether it was easier to have a distance when you had no contact vs. daily contact and the contact vs. the "responsibility" for being the adult... We decided that there were certain trade-offs in each case. One one side, friend has 100% of the responsibility and work for her D16 and S12 but does NOT have to deal with a Mid-Lifer very often, if at all (Seems he calls occasionally for B-Day's, which just tosses a WTF grenade in the kids laps). I, on the other hand, get to deal with Bat-Snot-Crazy on a near daily basis but also get to have the occasional time free of parental worries..... So, there are pros and cons to each side....

xW was supposed to drop off my S12 at 8 pm but at 7, S12 writes me and says "Mom asks if you can pick me up because she is so 'stressed'"  (quotes were his). Funny enough, I had just sent xW a text that I was at home and S12 could come any time he wanted. Long story short, I went and got S12 at 8 pm, we came back and got into a similar conversation about taking responsibility for one's life, picking up the pieces and moving on. this started because S12 has been "sick" a few days already and was trying to find excuses about why he couldn't do his homework... I was explaining that we each had to be accountable for our own decisions, our own lives within the boundaries of where we are in our lives. I explained that it was HIS responsibility to find things that he enjoyed, to go to school, to learn, to keep his grades up and, if needed to catch up on the work he misses when he is not at school. I also explained that not being at school made it even harder. My responsibility was to go to work, to make sure that I had a home and food for me and for them, and that I was responsible for my own happiness and for picking up the pieces, moving forward, and making my best life for the kids and myself.  Then, out of nowhere comes the bolt out of the blue.... "Daddy, you are doing MUCH better at moving forward in your life than mom is."

So, the confirmation that we each kind of hope for at some point, that the MLC life is not all peaches and cream... But, that doesn't mean that I'd consider sticking my hand in that fire again... I posted earlier on someone else's thread that it seems to me that many of these Mid-Lifers just settle for their miserable AD-fueled existence rather than doing the hard work of recovery, acceptance of responsibility/accountability, and any attempt to make amends....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #24 on: September 02, 2019, 06:15:13 AM »

Meanwhile, I had an interesting conversation and a long walk with a RL LBS friend and my doggo in the afternoon sun.... One of the facets of the conversation was how much "detachment" one should be expected to have after the finalization of a D... Friends perspective was that I hadn't moved all that far along... Now, having said that, friend has a vanisher and was D'd 9 years ago so we got into discussing whether it was easier to have a distance when you had no contact vs. daily contact and the contact vs. the "responsibility" for being the adult... We decided that there were certain trade-offs in each case. One one side, friend has 100% of the responsibility and work for her D16 and S12 but does NOT have to deal with a Mid-Lifer very often, if at all (Seems he calls occasionally for B-Day's, which just tosses a WTF grenade in the kids laps). I, on the other hand, get to deal with Bat-Snot-Crazy on a near daily basis but also get to have the occasional time free of parental worries..... So, there are pros and cons to each side....

I have often said that having my MLCer just ghost me and pretty much vanish in the same small town helped me to detach.   He never, NEVER made any attempt at reconnection, explanation, responsibility, etc.  I literally had no choice but to close the door, pick myself up off the floor, and try to put my life back together and move forward.  It seems the Bear will have to have consistent boundaries and I've no doubt that you've had good practice with that over the last three plus years.  I'm so sorry that you and your children have to suffer the consequences of actions that your MLCer chose. 

So, the confirmation that we each kind of hope for at some point, that the MLC life is not all peaches and cream... But, that doesn't mean that I'd consider sticking my hand in that fire again... I posted earlier on someone else's thread that it seems to me that many of these Mid-Lifers just settle for their miserable AD-fueled existence rather than doing the hard work of recovery, acceptance of responsibility/accountability, and any attempt to make amends....

Yes, you will continue to get the information on how your MLCer is doing in life because you share kids.  Some of us will never get the confirmation that you and others get.  But it's okay, because right now I guess I wouldn't trade knowing if it meant that I had to have a messed up version of the man I loved so dearly in and out of my life. 


Will get a chance this evening to listen to the beautiful music.  Thanks for sharing, UM. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #25 on: September 03, 2019, 01:58:35 AM »
And here are the next three songs from our concert... Non-religious ones this time....

Senfl - Ach Elslein - (Sung in German) https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhVndiVFZZQXBFSHNlY2tFWTJOaG9yam15VzBB
Dowland - My Thoughts Are Winged With Hope - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwha3o4d29zOGtTYlUtOElKZkJPVi1za3BYTjNB
Stanford - The Blue Bird - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhX21hZlVQMjhQVjJvYnZxakxXc0I3eDAzS1Zv
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #26 on: September 03, 2019, 02:57:41 PM »
Thank you for the links, Ursa. Beautiful singing.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #27 on: September 03, 2019, 07:19:54 PM »
Ursa-So beautiful!!! 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #28 on: September 03, 2019, 09:51:08 PM »
I love that your kids can see that you're doing a good job moving forward in your life.  That is the best lesson you can ever teach them even though it is not always something that is easy to do.  I do hope you stick around on this board too.  Like so many others have said, you've brought a lot of laughter to a lot of people in dire need of a smile.  Through some of my darkest days I also got a laugh out of things you've posted on my thread or on others that I have read.  You also give some of the best advice as well.  Truth delivered with a laugh.  There's no better combination!

I wish I had some great advice to give you or a meme to make you laugh, but I don't.  All I have to offer is a listening ear and to be another soldier in your army of support.  Praying for bigger and better things to come in the very near future for you my friend!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #29 on: September 04, 2019, 01:23:30 AM »
And the last three songs of the regular program, including my personal favorite..... Enjoy....

In the Notre Pére, (the French Lords Prayer) you MIGHT be able to hear me as there is, towards the end, a low E-flat being sung and held twice... That would be me.... The other low bass didn't quite have it...

Os Justi - Anton Bruckner - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhYUZpdnZRMDJ6TWgtbEJoT3lINDJVT2lGU3VV

Beati Quorum Via - Stanford - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhUDB0M3h5QVlTSGk5M2ktM1N3NWpacnowSDln

Notre Pére - Jumeau - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhNU1BbXJNR0dObXlYTE1manBLbnRTZlhmOU1B
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Gettingbackup

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #30 on: September 04, 2019, 01:51:38 AM »
So beautiful Ursa - thanks for sharing. Makes for a nice start to the day, listening to this.
M42 exH 40 | Met 2001 | Married 2003 | BD1 May 2016 | Final BD Nov 2016 | OW1&2 EAs in 2009. Separated 2 months.
S6 born 2013. Cancer and lost baby 2014.
OW3 PA Dec 2015-May 2016. OW3 broke it off. | OW4 PA from July 2016. OB in March 2019.
Divorce final May 2019.

Offline Still Half full

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #31 on: September 04, 2019, 01:54:24 AM »
I’m glad your weekend improved UM after the dreaded Friday. You sound like such a brilliant dad, your children are blessed to have such a stable parent, who obviously makes them the priority, and it’s great that your son can see that

I’m another adding to the list that hopes you stay here, you frequently make me lol, which is always appreciated when we’re going through this.  I think you add a good balance with a male point of view and think you give great, rational, calm advice ( with a cheeky bit of humour 😄)

And quotes like this is why I’d like to continue to hear more from you 😊
Quote
So, the confirmation that we each kind of hope for at some point, that the MLC life is not all peaches and cream... But, that doesn't mean that I'd consider sticking my hand in that fire again... I posted earlier on someone else's thread that it seems to me that many of these Mid-Lifers just settle for their miserable AD-fueled existence rather than doing the hard work of recovery, acceptance of responsibility/accountability, and any attempt to make amends....

Hope your week ( and life ) keeps getting better and better
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #32 on: September 04, 2019, 01:54:36 AM »
You are welcome, Gettingbackup - Glad you are enjoying it...

And, for the Encores we sang....

an arrangement of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"- https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhakFXZTdab1ZCdEhMdFZBQXNVQlVlMjlzaHo0

and "The Irish Blessing" arranged by Moore (we were, after all, in Ireland) - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhMEg2bWtITHYxczRTMjUxSUozMS1ncjNlLVJv
« Last Edit: September 04, 2019, 01:55:45 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #33 on: September 04, 2019, 10:00:07 AM »
This post D MLC disorganized moping is quite fascinating actually. Drinking, exhausted and "'stressed".  All her choices. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #34 on: September 04, 2019, 10:08:35 AM »
This post D MLC disorganized moping is quite fascinating actually. Drinking, exhausted and "'stressed".  All her choices.

2 of 3 are pre-D behaviors as well so just the one night of celebration was the only real difference..... ::) I guess she chose well then ::)
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #35 on: September 04, 2019, 04:50:47 PM »

an arrangement of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"- https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhakFXZTdab1ZCdEhMdFZBQXNVQlVlMjlzaHo0

I actually got a little teary eyed listening to this - the lyrics just really hit home, even though I've heard Judy Garland sing it many, many times. 


and "The Irish Blessing" arranged by Moore (we were, after all, in Ireland) - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhMEg2bWtITHYxczRTMjUxSUozMS1ncjNlLVJv

Beautiful!  What fabulous pitch and harmony!  Nice work. 

Thank you for sharing with us.

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #36 on: September 04, 2019, 06:39:04 PM »
UM, thanks for sharing the music of your angel choir. I listened to Somewhere over the Rainbow when I woke up this morning and it made me smile. Family favorite.  I think I'll end the day with the encore as well.

Glad that you have successfully rounded the dreadful bend on Friday. It is good to know that it is survivable.   And the Bear does have a life, a really good life.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #37 on: September 05, 2019, 01:58:01 AM »
Thank you for the new links, Ursa. Lovely and beautiful as the previous ones.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #38 on: September 05, 2019, 03:58:03 AM »
Ugh..... Where do I start?

I had a "Parent's Night" for D8's class last night and that all went well.... until.... It was all over and the parents were leaving... D8's teacher stops me and asks if she might have a word with me (Now, keep in mind that xW would rather be poked repeatedly with a cattle prod than go to these things so I go).... Seems that D8 has missed (averaged out) about 1 day of school per week since school started. Now I knew that D8 had supposedly been "sick" and that xW had allowed the kids to stay home last Friday when her D was finalized but....

D8 failed the last German test miserably, she failed the last math test, she isn't doing her homework and she isn't doing the catch up work that was assigned her.... Now, D8 has been with me 2 nights in the last 3 weeks, both of them on Friday or Saturday so I haven't seen any of the homework stuff.... xW wants D8 to go to after school tutoring one hour per week to "help her with her school work." When I told the teacher this, she basically said that it would be MUCH more helpful is D8 had the extra 5 1/2 hours per week in he classroom.... <facepalm>

I put all this in a factual and non-emotional text / e-mail to xW this morning and got the reply that "she is on it but it is difficult to organize." Well, no duh! It IS difficult to organize but it would not have been needed if she would be a parent and not try to be a buddy and send D8 to school like a normal adult would.... Not to mention if she hadn't decided to go off on her freaking crisis and cut 50% of her support out of her (and the kids') lives.....

S12 will go to after school help 2 hours / week to recover from the deficit of last year where his Math Teacher and English teachers were both out for about 1/2 the year in total... THAT one I can not point at xW for and there, she seems to be getting her poop into one sock but for D8, the reasons are less external and more her own doing.... xW complains about being stressed and overwhelmed and doesn't have the energy to ride herd on the kids but, at the same time, keeps D8 tied to her like a boat to a pier....

Well, D8's teacher will keep me directly informed of how things are going since xW won't.....

xW says that she had a talk with the kids yesterday about how they needed to be responsible for their school things (does that mean their "stuff" like supplies? Their Homework? Their grades? Who the firetruck knows?) rather than xW (yeah, like an 8-year-old is going to willingly do homework instead of play without some adult supervision ::) )  I remember the last time she had a discussion like this... I think it lasted a week or two until she "didn't have the energy to fight with the kids" and it all went out the window again.....

We'll see.....

So much for that "Zen Guru" thing like ... who was it? Alvin maybe?  called it....

But, yeah, xW is on it.... ::)  Just to recall that "Reason du Jour for D #74g" was that xW had to prove that she could do it (whatever "it" was/is) alone.... except she can't find her way out of a paper bag with a map, compass and a GPS.....

« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 04:00:05 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #39 on: September 05, 2019, 05:57:53 AM »
Ugh UM, I hope they also talk to your xw about your D missing too much school.
That is on her.

I'm not sure what you can do about it.  Other than check with the school to make sure your D goes every day by.
What kind of mother is she being to those kids?  I sure wish they lived with you.  ::)

I know Wallowers are exhausted a lot of the time, and depressed, but that is no excuse not to get them to school.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #40 on: September 05, 2019, 06:42:49 AM »
Ugh UM, I hope they also talk to your xw about your D missing too much school.
That is on her.

I'm not sure what you can do about it.  Other than check with the school to make sure your D goes every day by.
What kind of mother is she being to those kids?  I sure wish they lived with you.  ::)

I know Wallowers are exhausted a lot of the time, and depressed, but that is no excuse not to get them to school.

They live about 500 yards from the school and D8 usually walks there anyway. Just that D8 says she is not "feeling good" and xW allows her to stay home where she can sit and watch YouTube Videos and play games all day... I am the one that has to drive them... and, strangely enough, they are very rarely "sick" when they are with me...

I'd love to talk to xW about it... with a 2x4....
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 07:36:10 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #41 on: September 05, 2019, 06:58:34 AM »
UM, It must be incredibly difficult seeing your kids struggling due to your ex’s inability to deal with life.  I can fully relate to this and would probably not have sent a non emotional email!  Good job not making things worse!  Thankfully your kids do have a present father!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #42 on: September 05, 2019, 07:01:57 AM »
Well wouldn't any kid rather stay home and watch videos?   ::)

She is creating a bad habit for her D.
UM, doesn't your xw have to work?  Or does she work from home?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #43 on: September 05, 2019, 07:06:11 AM »
Well wouldn't any kid rather stay home and watch videos?   ::)

She is creating a bad habit for her D.
UM, doesn't your xw have to work?  Or does she work from home?

She works "normally" but CAN work from home if she has her laptop with her.... She usually goes in for a few hours though as far as I am aware..... That is why D8 can play games and watch videos...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #44 on: September 05, 2019, 07:23:12 AM »
Have always wondered if your xw is trying to create a 'mini me' or sees your daughter as an extension of herself and her own feelings. Hence the 'sick' thing, almost a kind of connecting mirror. Suspect you will need to talk to your daughter about her responsibilities difficultbas that is at 8, or maybe find some kind of motivating challenge/bribe she gets for a period of 100% attendance, and work with the school to keep an eye on it as it doesn't seem likely that your w will see the wood for the trees. Not easy to co parent with self-centred semi-adults though.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #45 on: September 05, 2019, 07:30:36 AM »
Ok that makes sense.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #46 on: September 05, 2019, 07:32:46 AM »
Yea T, that is a similar discussion as to what I had on Monday with S12 - he is not as bad but he also plays the "I don't know what is going on" game.... He understood what I was telling him at least.....

And the Mini-Me thing seems to be what's happening in some ways... xW plays the "sick" card when things happen that are uncomfortable for her.... Just now, she can't blame the marriage or me like she did.... so she needs to find other excuses like being "stressed,"or "overwhelmed," or "tired." ::)  xW told me early on in our R that the only way she ever got attention from MIL was to be "sick." So, the pattern repeats itself and the apple doesn't fall far form the tree.... If xW would let D8 be with me more often, we wouldn't be (I don't think) in this situation.... But xW needs her emotional support animal...

The teacher and I have a pretty good understanding as I am on the Parents Council and this is certainly not her first rodeo with divorced / divorcing parents.... Her words to me were "We'll keep an eye on it" and I have regular contact with her. The School could force xW to have a doctors note when D8 is sick and that would make things MUCH more difficult... xW would have to take time off and D8 would get poked and prodded.... consequences.....

According to xW though the failing grade on the German Test scared D8 a bit and xW's rant at both of them this morning scared them both into working harder (according to xW anyway).... Similar to when we got the Blue Letter from S12's school last year saying that he was in danger of being pushed out of the Academic Track if he didn't get his Math Grade up by the end of the year... He started actually studying.... Ironically, when he's with me, he is pretty good about doing at least 30 minutes of work (he also tells me he has all his homework finished - but I do spot-check him so he knows not to lie to me)....
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 07:35:11 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #47 on: September 05, 2019, 07:51:18 AM »
You know UM, that may be a good solution, to have a doctor's note when she is calling in sick for her.
That may really make it a lot harder to just keep her home when ever she wants.

I imagine they would need a good reason, such as too many sick days and grades dropping. For all they know it could be abuse by the parent and they do need to keep that in mind.  Or the child may be chronically ill.

The fact that it only happens when she is with her mother, is pretty telling.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #48 on: September 05, 2019, 07:59:24 AM »
Yeah, I was wondering the same.
Whether the school actively managing it in with THEIR boundaries makes it a bit more real for your w (and daughter) and removes any target from your back lol.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #49 on: September 05, 2019, 08:04:21 AM »
You know UM, that may be a good solution, to have a doctor's note when she is calling in sick for her.
That may really make it a lot harder to just keep her home when ever she wants.

I imagine they would need a good reason, such as too many sick days and grades dropping. For all they know it could be abuse by the parent and they do need to keep that in mind.  Or the child may be chronically ill.

The fact that it only happens when she is with her mother, is pretty telling.   ::)

Yep, and the teacher noticed that too... In fact, the class owed me money since I bring in cases of water about every 6 weeks and the teacher said that she had not given the money to D8 because she didn't know if D8 was with me or not but she didn't think she was.... So the teacher sees a difference too when D8 is with me vs. Mom...

Yeah, I was wondering the same.
Whether the school actively managing it in with THEIR boundaries makes it a bit more real for your w (and daughter) and removes any target from your back lol.

Yes Treasur, I'd like to keep that target OFF of my chest or back, thanks... Although, now that xW's D is final, there is less she could really do to me anymore... But, if it comes from the school, xW won't have a choice. If it comes from me, well, I am just being the a$$#ole like FIL was.... and that would fit into her narrative JUST fine....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #50 on: September 05, 2019, 10:22:42 AM »
Oh dear. It does appear as if xW is projecting her stressed, sick, overwhelmed feelings onto D and handing her some bad coping skills to boot.  Not an easy problem.  Hopefully you can have a chat with D and see if you can motivate her to do better on her own because your co-parent is not capable of getting it together. She has a bucket of self-focused excuses at the ready.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #51 on: September 05, 2019, 09:30:47 PM »
Do schools file truancy where you're at? 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #52 on: September 09, 2019, 08:20:29 PM »
Do schools there hold kids back, or "fail" them so they are forced to repeat the whole year? They used to do that when I was a kid. It would be a good threat to your daughter that if she misses too much school and continues to fail her tests, she might be held back while all her friends go on to the next grade?
Just a thought....

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #53 on: September 12, 2019, 05:00:05 AM »
So, back to answer - Yes, SB,, there IS such a thing as truancy because parents are legally obligated to send their kids to school until they are 14. If the school has cause to believe that the parent is NOT doing it, they can require a doctor's note for each missed day or get Social Services involved.  I had a talk with D about her being in school and that she was missing MUCH more (5 hours in one day) than she can make up at the After-School help in 1 hour per week... and she seemed to understand what I was getting at... Anyway, she hasn't been "sick" again at least since but that was only on Monday...

Ember - Yes, being held back is possible in Primary School (Grades 1-4)... Later, in the middle school, if they are in the Academic Track, they are "demoted" to the "normal" track which means they can not go to a state University later... They can get professional certificates or degrees but not advanced degrees unless they get the Academic Track certification and that is MUCH more difficult later.....

Finally, I came home last night and the papers from the Court for xW's D were in my mail box. ... It was really as if a switch was flipped and I got a whole truckload of GAF (Give a Firetruck) dumped on me. I just couldn't be bothered to care. I guess the Court Date was the final slap because THAT day was emotionally ugly... Yesterday was like "OK, whatever. File them and go to choir practice" like it was any other piece of mail....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #54 on: September 12, 2019, 05:14:01 AM »
S20 hardly attended School after BD. We didnt know until the School rang XW and told her that he would have to repeat the School year again. He repeated and STILL didnt attend School and dropped out (or got thrown out). He passed (normal) School and got his certificates because he was already in the Academic Track (Abi).
XW took no responsibility or blame though "he is old enough!"... I will never forgive her for that, she deprived him of so many opportunities going forward and couldnt even see that it had anything to do with our "Situation" (he leaving us alone so she could Play teenmom in the Gym).

Sorry that you recieved that mail yesterday UM but i am glad that you had a "firetruck it" attitude towards it. Somedays it really is not worth the Monkeys.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Cherry Blossom

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #55 on: September 12, 2019, 09:04:07 AM »
I'm just catching up with your journey UM - can't believe your xw is adulting so badly.  Oh wait, she's in MLC so it's all normal  ::)

btw that rendition your choir did of Somewhere Over The Rainbow was just beautiful - made me cry...

M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #56 on: September 12, 2019, 09:55:29 AM »
UM, this whole things is just so ugly.  There truly is no special way to dress it up and make it look nice.  Hopefully she gets her act together.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Airmid

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #57 on: September 12, 2019, 10:11:36 AM »
UM -
Two thoughts.

One - as you know divorce sucks.  We have been through the treadmill - we assume with all the BS we go through we will be immune to any more emotional fallout.  Unfortunately it isn't true.
Even now - years after the divorce I sometime get a fleeting moment of "why on earth did this need to happen?" And divorce in some ways felt like a failure - although I was mentally together enough to know it wasn't my fault that xH went off the rails.

Two - If your D is having these type of issues - maybe you can make a case for full custody and xW has visiting rights? 
I feel especially sensitive to girls not having every professional opportunity.
In my high school (an all girl school) they didn't offer 4 years of math. 
You could get four years if you were in the AP program -
(which I was in) but even if you were in that - you could only take one AP class per semester. 
I needed 2 - physics and math. 
I had to have my parents petition the school for my senior year -
because I had already identified I wanted to be an engineer and no 4 year accredited school would accept an applicant without  physics and 4 years of math.

Now, at the culmination of my career - I see how important my professional life was.
My first husband died, and the second went AWOL with MLC.
Had I not had my degree and a career - I don't think I would have been able to weather the finances in my life.

I urge you to do whatever it takes to keep your D in a professional academic track.
Her career may save her in the future - like in my case.


Offline One day at a time

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #58 on: September 12, 2019, 02:57:28 PM »
Finally, I came home last night and the papers from the Court for xW's D were in my mail box. ... It was really as if a switch was flipped and I got a whole truckload of GAF (Give a Firetruck) dumped on me. I just couldn't be bothered to care. I guess the Court Date was the final slap because THAT day was emotionally ugly... Yesterday was like "OK, whatever. File them and go to choir practice" like it was any other piece of mail....
It sucks but it's done now.. I'm sure your xW will not get her happy but at least you are no longer in limbo.. That's not to say it will not sting from time to time but better to have it behind you...
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #59 on: September 12, 2019, 03:05:57 PM »
I'm sorry, Ursa. It hurts, but like others said, now it is done.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #60 on: September 13, 2019, 10:07:44 PM »
Done and Dusted, as you titled this thread. Put it away and keep moving on. You are doing fabulously!!!

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #61 on: September 13, 2019, 10:55:11 PM »
Just dropping by to update -

Both kids and I went to the Lindsey Stirling concert last Thursday. It was INCREDIBLE! She played virtually non-stop for 90 minutes, the set and light show was bombastic and the sound (which can be absolutely awful in the venue where she played) would knock your socks off. I had special music earplugs for both kids so it wouldn't be too loud (they don't need to follow in my footsteps and have to wear hearing aids later in life - although mine was caused by Naval Gunfire rather than loud music). Both of them though really enjoyed the show.

D8 has been in school now every day for 2 weeks. These are the first weeks this year she hasn't missed a day so that is good. She stayed with me Monday and Thursday nights and we had a chance to talk. I told her how important school is and that what she learns now forms the base of what she can learn in the future. In Germany, 3rd and 4th grade are when the kids get sorted into the hard-core Academic track, the "normal" track or the "Get a job early and work" track. One must complete what is called the "Abitur" if one wants to go to a German University and study later. That can be done at the end of the Academic track or later as an "adult." NOT having the Abitur, however, doesn't prevent one from getting a degree in, for example, Finance and Accounting, Management, or a myriad of Technical fields through what would be considered as a Technical college in the US. In those areas, people here make good money as well. So, unlike the US, having a degree from a certain college, while admittedly helping in certain fields, does not automatically translate in a well-paying job.

In Germany there is also a thriving apprenticeship program where kids with 9th or 10th grade education can learn a trade and become craftsmen in their own right. There is a ranking scheme much like the old "Guild" system and those attaining "Master" status can make LOTS of money, even without having a formal degree....

But, for the moment, D8 is back on track and is improving. She has her study plan and whichever parent she is with works with her 45 minutes per day on math & German Grammer.

@Air - unless I have evidence of drugs or physical abuse, a custody battle is not going to be considered by the courts. The final decree is in the works (2 more weeks to the end of the appeal deadline) and unless I wish to spend the rest of my life in litigation (which IS, ironically what FIL(RIP) did) I'm not going to go off jousting with windmills. Instead, I will continue to work with D8 and support her so she can make the choices that are right for her and her future.

@Ember, Anjae, One Day, et. al., yes, it's now officially over and done. In reality, it was done when she chose to file for a D and run away instead of choosing to work on the R. This just puts the official stamp of government approval on it.

And yes, now it is up to me alone to fashion and form my life from here on out how I wish it to be. No more needing to take needs of someone other than my kids into account. I've been working on that for more than a year now and, while it is a painfully slow process and sometimes bloody uncomfortable, it is one that is dreadfully needed and is something virtually all of us have to go through.... It's called "Learning to live like they are not coming back" because they aren't.... Ever.... At least not in the Form in which we knew them previously.... As a former mod used to say in her Tsgline - "One doesn't make the trip to hell and back without acquiring transferable skills." and that applies to the Mid-Lifer as well as the LBS.... NO ONE gets through this unchanged.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #62 on: September 14, 2019, 06:16:24 PM »
I totally agree, I am definitely not the same person I was 10 years ago. I wouldn't want to go through it again but I appreciate the changes that I have noticed in myself.

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #63 on: September 14, 2019, 09:31:15 PM »
Oh UM, these MLC stories just hurt my heart.  It is amazing the level of selfishness that shows up during these times and the lack of responsibility. I personally am astounded at all the lies that occur as well.

I do like that tagline you quoted though.  We have all definitely been to hell and back.  I think people on this board have such big hearts that we end up staying in hell a little longer than we needed to, but at the end of the day I think it's easier to look back and know for sure you did all you could to work things out.  There was nothing more that could have been done on your end to salvage the marriage. 

I'm happy to hear the sting of it all is subsiding a little bit too.  It gets tiresome to be hurting all the time.  Hang in there, friend.  You got this.

Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #64 on: September 15, 2019, 04:42:06 AM »
I'm sorry your D papers finally came through.  I remember having a similar feeling to you about them and just put them in the filing cabinet.  Seemed like such a waste of a good marriage.

The thought of the divorce for me, was a lot worse than the reality.  That piece of paper meant nothing and changed nothing.  It changed nothing for xH either, just made it easier for the ow to manipulate him even further.

I am sure they will regret their actions one day but until then we have no choice but to live out best lives and I have no doubt you will do that Ursa.

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online terra

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #65 on: September 15, 2019, 06:42:02 AM »
Although “technically” your D8’s truancy looks like xw’s “fault”, there’s more going on here. It isn’t just xw’s exhaustion/stress/wallowing; it’s actually probably keenly your daughter’s own grief and the difficulty of being so very young and having to cope with such a troubling break in her home world and heart. D8 is having to navigate a painful adult-driven change that she probably needs to talk, cry, and get relief and comfort and assurances about.

Children in these circumstances may cling to either parent (the one who left and who might leave again, or else the one who stayed and is stable and can be relied upon), and find or make any excuse to have more time with that person. Even if the reason or excuse sounds silly and the extra time is inconvenient or even just a few minutes.

Divorce breaks their world, their family, their routine, and their heart. So as much as we encourage them to stay responsible and explain to them why that is important, really all they want is return to emotional normalcy and a reason to trust again. Homework doesn’t do it. And it’s so hard to be at school with teachers and peers and lessons and ringing bells all day, when all you want to do is just cry and cry and cry.

You are a great dad and a solid protector and love in her life, and you’re doing well, that’s easy to see.

Just make sure your girl is getting lots of loves and big bear hugs at home, and that she is being really deeply listened to. She’s in grief and may not have words yet to express it. School absences are one means of externalizing her message.

I know it will get better for her and that you are likely the biggest reason why. Just make sure she’s got your attention when her heart is struggling low. Prayers up for you and your family.


Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #66 on: September 15, 2019, 02:30:56 PM »
@Ember, Anjae, One Day, et. al., yes, it's now officially over and done. In reality, it was done when she chose to file for a D and run away instead of choosing to work on the R. This just puts the official stamp of government approval on it.

It is sadly usually done when they choose to file for divorce or even when they leave.

I think you know as well as  I and every LBS that working on the relationship is not something MLCers do.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Yo

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #67 on: September 15, 2019, 04:34:36 PM »
UM, I am sorry for your painfully slow process but I am.sure you'll be ok as well your kids. You are a great father and because they know and feel you are there unconditionally and always, for them, they will be great!
I hope to be here to read the story about her regret, written by you is going to be wonderful
Yo ❤

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #68 on: September 16, 2019, 06:47:31 AM »
Although “technically” your D8’s truancy looks like xw’s “fault”, there’s more going on here. It isn’t just xw’s exhaustion/stress/wallowing; it’s actually probably keenly your daughter’s own grief and the difficulty of being so very young and having to cope with such a troubling break in her home world and heart. D8 is having to navigate a painful adult-driven change that she probably needs to talk, cry, and get relief and comfort and assurances about.
<...snip...>
I know it will get better for her and that you are likely the biggest reason why. Just make sure she’s got your attention when her heart is struggling low. Prayers up for you and your family.

If it hadn't been going on for a year already, I'd tend to agree with you. D8 missed 35 days of school last year and, from what I learned, many times she was alone at xW's playing on her tablet.... THere were a few days when she was with me and those days we were dealing with vomit, fever, etc., ......

Ironically, when she is with me, she is very rarely every sick..... and when she is, she really is....

I just hope that D8 will start coming to me more often instead of being glued to mom...

Ironically, this is the same behaviour that xW told me she used to get attention from MIL when xW was a child so she is essentially trying to turn D8 into a Mini-Me.... The only way she ever got positive attention from MIL was to be "sick."
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #69 on: September 17, 2019, 03:22:27 AM »


Since xW has had to go out of town again on business, both kids were with me last night and will be tonight as well..... On our way out of xW's last night, D8 announced "Daddy, I have decided that I will come to your house every Monday..."  Now, the kids are supposed to be with me 50% and S12 is a bit more than that but D8 has been superglued to xW... the fact that she has "decided" to come regularly is a big deal......

On that subject (and another <smh>  moment in MLC-Land), because xW had to leave very early this morning, the deal was that I'd get the kids last night... She specifically asked that I get them a little later(like 6 pm) so she could do some extra studying with them..... OK, fine... I got home, walked the dog and went to get the kids at 6... Got there and was given a list of things that D still needed to look at which was basically everything - she hadn't done ANY studying with them at all....


Didn't get through the whole list before bed and after dinner but did get a big chunk knocked out...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Believer

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #70 on: September 17, 2019, 03:31:50 AM »
Ursa,

How wonderful that your D wants to be with your more. I’m very happy for you. Your children are so fortunate to have you as their father. As for the homework, although you didn’t get it all completed, you did actually do some with them ...unlike your Xw.   :P

Hugs, Believer

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #71 on: September 17, 2019, 04:04:04 AM »
I bet you weren't surprised a bit, right UM?   ::)

Well glad you got most of it done.  sigh
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Whyus

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #72 on: September 17, 2019, 04:12:04 AM »
Im so happy that your D is returning from the dark side of the Galaxy, she knows who pappa bear is UM. As for the homework, just another day in paradise I guess.



Sorry, couldnt resist  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #73 on: September 17, 2019, 04:17:59 AM »
I bet you weren't surprised a bit, right UM?   ::)

Well glad you got most of it done.  sigh

Considering how much of a stink she's been raising about the kids doing homework and how much effort it is and blah blah blah, I did kind of have an expectation that she might have done something with her little princess....

I know, I know... Silly me.... Expecting a Mid-Lifer to actually DO something that they said they would...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #74 on: September 21, 2019, 05:47:31 AM »
You had expectations UM?  ??? You know better than that!

Very glad to hear your daughter wants to spend more time with you.. She's obviously seeing who the same parent is!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #75 on: September 21, 2019, 07:44:34 PM »
I am also really glad your d8 is turning to you!  It will be so much better for her having stability!!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline rubyhearted

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #76 on: September 21, 2019, 08:35:56 PM »
Dear Ursa I am not sure what word to use hear. Sorry does not seem right although it is accurate. Disheartened might work.

I do agree with Terra though. Even though it has been more than a year since all of W's nonsense began, the finality of D does impact kids. They just know as it is final for them too. Now they know that there is a much less chance that their parents will get back together. I speak from experience on this. My S who was 11 at the time, spent almost 1 year literally hiding under the principal's desk in elementary school and withdrawn and truant to the point of social services being called. Even though he lived with me. Threats did not work. Bribes did not work. It was brutal. I finally got him into a good program for depressed kids. He was withdrawn there but it really helped.

I hope for much better for your D. My S does not speak with H or even his father (first XH - non-MLC, just an emotionally abusive a-hole.) He really needs a dad type although has trust issues. I get it.

BTW - The music is so wonderful and beautiful. I have not had such an experience in a very long time. I love hearing the reverberation of the stone in it's richness. It is as if you can hear the history of the place without even seeing it. Truly wonderful. Thank you!

And (((hugs)))
"Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon." Nelson Mandela

"Where are my dragons?!" Daenerys Targaryen

Offline No expectations

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #77 on: September 22, 2019, 05:20:35 AM »
Hi Ursa,

As you know,  I'm not on here much.  I'm so sorry that your ex still has no clue.  She is throwing away such a good,  caring  man. 

So glad your d wants to spend more time with you.  It will be good for both of you.

Thank you for sharing your absolutely incredible music!

Hugs,

No Ex
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #78 on: November 07, 2019, 06:22:20 AM »
Brief non-MLC-related update.....

It's been over 2 months now since the final court date but one of xW's Pension Policies decided that they HAD to have "Happy" changed to "Glad" in the final pension distribution decision so the final papers have still not been delivered. For all intents and purposes, xW's D is final but now it is just the insurance companies lawyers arguing with the government lawyers...  ::)

Other than that, now that the D is final, the "family" things that were accepted as "normal" like celebrating Christmas together are off the table. xW didn't take that too well but she did comment that it was not unexpected. Wouldn't want to NOT live up to her expectations now, would I? After her performance last year though of going to church dressed like... well ... let's just say it was the "MLC look" and earned her more than a few rather disapproving glances from some of the older or more conservative members of the Parish, and then sitting after dinner and playing on her phone, I was NOT interested in trying to pretend anymore.... I have people that WANT to spend Christmas with me and my kids so xW will do her Christmas on the 24th (which is the big day in Germany) where I will have the kids then on the 25th.

But, in other news that is REALLY more prevalent, I was invited to appear before the Vestry (Church Council) regarding my discernment to Ordination in the 3rd week of October. The local (Parish) Vestry was the next step in the process after having been through the discernment process for a year. The Vestry received the reports from the Committee members (which I did not as a matter of confidentiality) and then proceeded to ask me loads of questions. Bottom line is that the Vestry has approved my going forward and has therefore pledged support to me in the process at the Convocation/Diocesan level.

The Letter of Recommendation was delivered to the Bishop/Convocation Committee at the annual convention that just concluded a week ago in Geneva.

I was/am deeply touched/honored/humbled that my friends and Parish Family have the confidence in me to put me forward.

I "Presided" (if one can call it that - served as Liturgist or Presenter) for another Evensong at the Benedictine Abbey in Eibingen (we are invited every year there and it is always a wonderful experience) but there are no recordings of that one... Being the Liturgist means that I have to chant or intone the Preces/Responses and the Prayers as well as generally lead the service.
https://www.abtei-st-hildegard.de/english/
« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 06:28:06 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #79 on: November 07, 2019, 06:32:56 AM »
Congratulations, UM, for this important forward step!

As for you no longer participating in ‘let’s play family’, I would do the same.
Now the kids have two families.  One with you, the other with mom.  That’s what D means, baby.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #80 on: November 07, 2019, 12:45:26 PM »
UM, Many congratulations on proceeding to the next step.  So happy for you, and may the subsequent steps be as smooth and well supported!  And the pictures of the Abbey are beautiful (heavenly actually!)

And so true on the two Christmas celebrations.  I am sure your children will feel loved and enjoy spending the day with you in a happy place. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #81 on: November 07, 2019, 01:00:28 PM »
Congratulations, UM, that is wonderful news.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #82 on: November 07, 2019, 01:38:21 PM »
Congratulations UM!! Well deserved  :)

As for happy families.... well, those pesky consequences... she doesn't like them, does she?   ::)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #83 on: November 08, 2019, 12:31:32 AM »
Congratulations Ursa, well deserved :)

Your XW's consequences are going to hit her right between the eyes during Christmas.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #84 on: November 08, 2019, 02:27:54 AM »
UM, the pictures of the Abbey were beautiful.  Looks like such a peaceful place.

Congratulations on your accomplishments.  Couldn't happen to a nicer person.   :)

I agree with everyone UM, you are going to have a joyous Christmas with your kids and loved ones who actually want to be with you. 

Maybe your X's tgf's can make a nice meal for her.   ;D
My bad.   :P
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #85 on: November 08, 2019, 03:31:39 AM »
UM, the pictures of the Abbey were beautiful.  Looks like such a peaceful place.

Congratulations on your accomplishments.  Couldn't happen to a nicer person.   :)

I agree with everyone UM, you are going to have a joyous Christmas with your kids and loved ones who actually want to be with you. 

Maybe your X's tgf's can make a nice meal for her.   ;D
My bad.   :P

Scoot a cheek on that Hades Bus seat because I'm sitting right beside you...

The kids will be with xW on the 24th as that is the bigger day here in Germany and with me on the 25th. I have NO clue what they will be doing for dinner that day but it really isn't my problem. I, on the other hand, will be making my traditional Christmas Rarebit Dinner (from my former MIL's Recipe) for myself, my kids, and a few other special people who will all celebrate Christmas together on the 25th. That has been a sort of tradition since I first came to Germany with MIL making it originally and then, when she was no longer able to do it because of physical limitations, I took over and would either make it at her house or make it and then take it with us when we'd go. In the years since ABD, I'd make enough that xW could take some with her for xW, MIL and the kids to have their own dinner together... This year I guess it will be different all the way around for them..

And for me too..... I won't have to bust my hump for someone who prefers to sit on the sofa and play with her phone after dinner like xW did last year  ::)
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #86 on: November 08, 2019, 04:04:51 AM »
Recipe? Sounds yummy and I am looking for different Christmas fare for me and my uncle this year. Either ignored Christmas or limped through it for a couple of years, but now more interested in enjoying the grace of what I have not what I don't.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #87 on: November 08, 2019, 07:08:17 AM »
Many congratulations on your progress toward ordination.

I’m
Glad to read D8 is wanting to
Stay extra time too.

Offline 3Boys4Me

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #88 on: November 08, 2019, 08:49:55 AM »
Just catching up a bit on your thread UM and I was so inspired by your new vocation with your Parish, what a calling - deepest congratulations. Your Christmas plans and menu sounds fabulous, so glad you have loving people to wrap your arms around for the holiday.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #89 on: November 08, 2019, 03:33:35 PM »
UM - Attaching...

I'm sorry about your divorce.
As others have said, we all appreciate your input and hope that you'll stick around evenjhough deciding not to stand.
We can all learn so much from you...
AND you make us laugh!   ;D

I am SO happy that D is willing (wanting) to spend time with you.
I remember when she would absolutely have an atomic meltdown when she was scheduled to be with you for a night; and rarely made it through... 
So happy that she's enjoying her time now.

Congratulations on your endeavors with the church.
So ambitious and gratifying.

Christmas will be different, but so special anyway for you.
Time with the kids (evenhough the 25th), and your delicious rarebit...
I know you'll make the best of it.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #90 on: November 08, 2019, 04:17:22 PM »
Congratulations on your new role!  That is exciting!  I hope Christmas with your kids and friends is wonderful!!!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #91 on: November 08, 2019, 08:42:46 PM »
Congratulations!!! SO happy for you. I wonder if you would have done this had MLC never reared it's ugly head in your life?
I only ask because so many new wonderful things have happened to me since my exH's MLC that never would have happened otherwise. 
Enjoy the holidays, Im interested to see how your ex handles it.


Offline Puzzled

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #92 on: November 09, 2019, 05:24:39 AM »
Ursa, I'm very happy for you that your Vestry is supporting you fully and is recommending you for ordination. Surprised? Not one bit!  :D
Me: 48 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 11 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly
May 2019: H gave up his job and moved about 1.5 hours to where D11 and I live

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #93 on: November 09, 2019, 06:48:19 AM »
Congratulations!!! SO happy for you. I wonder if you would have done this had MLC never reared it's ugly head in your life?
I only ask because so many new wonderful things have happened to me since my exH's MLC that never would have happened otherwise. 
Enjoy the holidays, Im interested to see how your ex handles it.


All of this.  Blessings in disguise, if you let it all just be.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #94 on: November 09, 2019, 06:53:39 AM »
@Ember - the answer to your question is absolutely not. xW was NOT supportive of anything having to do with the church. FIL(RIP) was a total "Do what I say, not what I do" Roman Catholic that could talk the talk but couldn't walk the walk to save his life. That put xW off on anything having to do with organized religion.

I'm witnessing a karma bus drive-by and trying really hard to be a decent human and not gloat just a bit. xW's Landlord is being a major Richard and is pulling tricks that are not even legal. Basically, xW has to sign a new lease for an extra 300 Euros per month or move. Plus, he says if she goes to a. Lawyer or legal aid for renters, he'll just sell the flat...

She was complaining because that gives her 3 months to find a place and move. I zipped my lips and said nothing but I am SURE my face was saying "I had 2 months after you decided to bail out to find a place and move so if you are expecting pity from me, you're barking up the wrong tree..."

I'm not feeling particularly happy with where my thoughts are going at the moment because vengeance is not a nice emotions.....
« Last Edit: November 09, 2019, 06:56:02 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline seahorse

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #95 on: November 09, 2019, 07:04:16 AM »
WELL...  UM
So glad that you're able to pursue what YOU want to do vis=a-vis the clergy.
And as beyond blessed said - "blessings in disguise"

You didn't cause the Karma bus to drive by, but sometimes it's satisfying to see the person who caused us so much pain and hurt get their "just rewards"?  Also not very nice, but I think it's something we can't help but feel, just a little, as we've been so hurt and inujured with little or no concern from them.
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #96 on: November 09, 2019, 07:08:28 AM »
UM, I don't think it's so much revengeful.

I never wished any harm on my H but all I ever said was, I would like him, for just one day, to experience what I went through.   

Your xw probably didn't even remember you only had 2 months to move.
You could have said... "Oh yes, I only had 2 months to move.  It's not easy."
Then zip it.

Just as a tiny reminder.. ;D

Ok is rarebit just like a cheese dish or sauce?  What to you serve it with? 
I never heard of it before. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #97 on: November 09, 2019, 07:32:47 AM »
Hello,

I agree with Thunder, it is when the perpetrator of the crime experiences the same injustice as the victim. Now, you know how it feels. The only difference is that your ex is dealing with a landlord and the relationship is strictly business. In your situation, it was your most trusted partner- a complete betrayal. I don't think she has experienced that.

I do want to congratulate on your new role. The entire process is very interesting. Are these people aware that you have posted GIFs from the "Life of Brian"?  However LOL I do wish you well on your endeavors. I am also glad that you are pulling your family back together and your children will know how much you love and care for them.

Have an amazing weekend and try you best to stay off the bus to Hades!

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline ember

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #98 on: November 09, 2019, 10:41:56 PM »
It's hard not to take a little pleasure in their pain, when "what goes around, comes around".
Let her spin, see how well she handles it.

Online Treasur

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #99 on: November 10, 2019, 12:55:11 AM »
As Ready says, not the same thing at all.
But I think it's ok to observe the reality of consequences as part of the process...how else do humans learn really? And behind any small yah boo sucks to be you feeling, I would guess that you hope your xw will start to grow up enough to own her choices and the real impact of them...and feeling discomfort is probably part of that process right? Just as you were forced to do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #100 on: November 12, 2019, 12:22:36 AM »
@Thunder - In German it is called Hasenbraten and is basically a Stroganoff made with rabbit instead of beef or (my personal favorite) elk. One eats it with Bread dumplings and cooked red cabbage with apples. I also make my mom's recipe of what she called "Swiss Beans" which are green beans baked with Swiss Cheese, onion and a butter-based roux. My MIL gave me the recipe for Hasenbraten years ago and it was the traditional meal at their house on Christmas Eve. Because of the new situation/boundary (i. e. "We're divorced/truly separated/no longer a 'family' now so we celebrate separately as well"), I am not sure what xW will make for Christmas Eve but that is not my problem.

@Ready - I believe Monty Python is/was an Anglican which is the British version of Episcopalians so ... We are not nearly so stuffy as to not be able to poke fun at ourselves (which we do.. often)

In a somewhat amusing turn of events, xW has her mask firmly back in place after her Landlord melt-down. She apologized for being so "emotional" about it the other night via text with a bunch of other things and Sunday morning when I picked up S, she was all happy smiley so ... She wanted to "prove she could do it all alone" so let her do it all alone. I've been fired from the job of fixing or assisting ... Maybe her TGF's can help her...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #101 on: November 13, 2019, 03:46:03 AM »
Thank you for describing the dish.  It sounds scrumptious.  Of course I've never eaten Elk, so I'll have to take your word for it that it is good.   ;)

UM your X can keep that mask on as long as she wants, but come Christmas Eve, she will feel it, but you will be entertaining your kids and good company, who actually want to be with you btw, and sitting down to a great hot meal. 

Think I'd rather be you.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #102 on: November 13, 2019, 04:09:36 AM »
Yeah, she'll have the kids on Christmas Eve with whatever she decides to cook (I know it will NOT be Hasenbraten - that is WAY outside her skill level or desire) and I'll be celebrating with people who WANT me to be with them having meat fondue. On Christmas Day, the kids, come to where I'll be and THEN they get their Hasenbraten and Part 2.

THAT is when I think the major whack will come - xW will be left to her own devices that day.... I am sure one of the TGF's will invite her over so she will see what I've been dealing with for the past couple of years.... Being with friends is better than having a fork in your nose but it is still MUCH nicer to be with family and people who REALLY care about you rather than a bunch of enablers... ...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #103 on: November 15, 2019, 07:02:55 PM »
So being from Colorado of course you'd be used to eating elk.  I also enjoy it.  Just wondering if they even have elk in Germany!?!   It does sound like a yummy dish. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #104 on: November 16, 2019, 12:18:52 AM »
So being from Colorado of course you'd be used to eating elk.  I also enjoy it.  Just wondering if they even have elk in Germany!?!   It does sound like a yummy dish.

Hi SB,

Yes, there is elk here but farm-raised. There are wild elk too but that is hard to come by unless one knows a hunter.

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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