Author Topic: My Story Thread 35 - Done and Dusted  (Read 2321 times)

Offline Mortesbride

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My Story Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2019, 05:51:15 AM »
I actually decided to log in today just so I could check up on your thread. I knew that today would be the first day of it being ''official''.

There is no point in me saying sorry that this happened, wished it didn't or wish you a different outcome...Lord knows if we could make wishes come true none of us would be here right? ::)

But I will say that I hope whichever path you take, you find a happy place for you. Be that here on HS, or away in the world living the way you want.

I do enjoy your jokes...you and I have a very similar sense of humour and I enjoy it, you would be missed by lots of people...and the threads would get out of control :o ::) :P.

But I also know sometimes we have to just cut everything out of the past, so that we can heal. And if that is what you need I support you in that too.  :-*
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #21 on: September 02, 2019, 04:04:59 AM »
Some of the professional audio files are finally trickling in from the Kildare Concert.... ;D

It's much nicer if you have a good stereo or decent set of headphones as opposed to a cell phone or PC speaker :o

Gloria & Sanctus/Benedictus from the Tallis Mass - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhS0dNdl9xeExKdE9adENRTzM2dGVXaWoxaDBZ

Palestrina - Sicut Cervus https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhZFBoVGFSalFvektRZG5hMWpETmhDM1Z3dGZB

Hammerschmidt - Machet die Tore Weit - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhQi10NHBWN2tnVm5WcDZkNWRmQnExM0RUMVg0
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #22 on: September 02, 2019, 04:14:13 AM »
Just beautiful... you guys sound like angels singing.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #23 on: September 02, 2019, 05:02:46 AM »
So, after a total $#!t day Friday, a bit better day Saturday and a pretty decent day Sunday, as the Germans say, "Ich habe die Kurve gekriegt" or "I rounded the curve/bend.'

S12 & D8 were with me Friday so xW could "drink." The way S12 portrayed it, she was going out with her TGFs ... whatever... She wanted to pick up D8 but was not going to commit to a time (control anyone?) and I said that was not going to work for me so I'd drop off D8 when I was done shopping so around mid-day. The next morning (Saturday) she says that she'll pick up D at 11:00 so I made SURE I was NOT at home. At 11:00 she calls to say that she was "so tired" after walking the dog that it would be later, around 2 hours... It still fit in my time plan so I let it go. an hour later, she says she is on her way so I got D ready and she was waiting when xW showed up.

S12 and I went to a farmers fair that they host every year to benefit a charity where a friend of mine volunteers that helps kids and mothers in Nepal (building housing, schools, etc., and I got (again) some awesome spices and recipes... There is a recipe for a chicken dish that is just delicious (S doesn't like it because it is "different" but I sure do) and then he and I went to a party in our old neighborhood that I am always invited to. I grew chilies (SUPER hot ones Bhut Goloka - Ghost Chilies) and I made a huge batch of Bulgar salad (sort of like Couscous salad but with Bulgar wheat) and put one of the chlies in it. Now people in my old neighborhood know that I make stuff that can scorch the paint off a car and they usually look forward to it... this time was no exception... But, if you got one of the little pieces of that yellow chili, it was HOT!

Sunday was church as usual and S was supposed to go swimming with xW, TGF3, and her son (who was one of S12's besties) so I dropped him at xW's on my way.  Evidently, Bestie didn't show up because he was too late, xW didn't go in the water at all, and S12 basically entertained himself by jumping off the 5 meter (15 foot) platform... xW again said that she'd drop of S12 "by 8 pm at the latest because it was a school night." I asked her around what time and she said "by 8" I wrote back "No, that is not good enough. I need an approximate time so I can make my own plans... and know around when I need to be at home." THAT caused her a bit of consternation and she replied "OK, then at 8 pm. Sorry for telling you about the swimming so late." I mean, the Bear actually has a life and does stuff?  :o

Meanwhile, I had an interesting conversation and a long walk with a RL LBS friend and my doggo in the afternoon sun.... One of the facets of the conversation was how much "detachment" one should be expected to have after the finalization of a D... Friends perspective was that I hadn't moved all that far along... Now, having said that, friend has a vanisher and was D'd 9 years ago so we got into discussing whether it was easier to have a distance when you had no contact vs. daily contact and the contact vs. the "responsibility" for being the adult... We decided that there were certain trade-offs in each case. One one side, friend has 100% of the responsibility and work for her D16 and S12 but does NOT have to deal with a Mid-Lifer very often, if at all (Seems he calls occasionally for B-Day's, which just tosses a WTF grenade in the kids laps). I, on the other hand, get to deal with Bat-Snot-Crazy on a near daily basis but also get to have the occasional time free of parental worries..... So, there are pros and cons to each side....

xW was supposed to drop off my S12 at 8 pm but at 7, S12 writes me and says "Mom asks if you can pick me up because she is so 'stressed'"  (quotes were his). Funny enough, I had just sent xW a text that I was at home and S12 could come any time he wanted. Long story short, I went and got S12 at 8 pm, we came back and got into a similar conversation about taking responsibility for one's life, picking up the pieces and moving on. this started because S12 has been "sick" a few days already and was trying to find excuses about why he couldn't do his homework... I was explaining that we each had to be accountable for our own decisions, our own lives within the boundaries of where we are in our lives. I explained that it was HIS responsibility to find things that he enjoyed, to go to school, to learn, to keep his grades up and, if needed to catch up on the work he misses when he is not at school. I also explained that not being at school made it even harder. My responsibility was to go to work, to make sure that I had a home and food for me and for them, and that I was responsible for my own happiness and for picking up the pieces, moving forward, and making my best life for the kids and myself.  Then, out of nowhere comes the bolt out of the blue.... "Daddy, you are doing MUCH better at moving forward in your life than mom is."

So, the confirmation that we each kind of hope for at some point, that the MLC life is not all peaches and cream... But, that doesn't mean that I'd consider sticking my hand in that fire again... I posted earlier on someone else's thread that it seems to me that many of these Mid-Lifers just settle for their miserable AD-fueled existence rather than doing the hard work of recovery, acceptance of responsibility/accountability, and any attempt to make amends....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #24 on: September 02, 2019, 06:15:13 AM »

Meanwhile, I had an interesting conversation and a long walk with a RL LBS friend and my doggo in the afternoon sun.... One of the facets of the conversation was how much "detachment" one should be expected to have after the finalization of a D... Friends perspective was that I hadn't moved all that far along... Now, having said that, friend has a vanisher and was D'd 9 years ago so we got into discussing whether it was easier to have a distance when you had no contact vs. daily contact and the contact vs. the "responsibility" for being the adult... We decided that there were certain trade-offs in each case. One one side, friend has 100% of the responsibility and work for her D16 and S12 but does NOT have to deal with a Mid-Lifer very often, if at all (Seems he calls occasionally for B-Day's, which just tosses a WTF grenade in the kids laps). I, on the other hand, get to deal with Bat-Snot-Crazy on a near daily basis but also get to have the occasional time free of parental worries..... So, there are pros and cons to each side....

I have often said that having my MLCer just ghost me and pretty much vanish in the same small town helped me to detach.   He never, NEVER made any attempt at reconnection, explanation, responsibility, etc.  I literally had no choice but to close the door, pick myself up off the floor, and try to put my life back together and move forward.  It seems the Bear will have to have consistent boundaries and I've no doubt that you've had good practice with that over the last three plus years.  I'm so sorry that you and your children have to suffer the consequences of actions that your MLCer chose. 

So, the confirmation that we each kind of hope for at some point, that the MLC life is not all peaches and cream... But, that doesn't mean that I'd consider sticking my hand in that fire again... I posted earlier on someone else's thread that it seems to me that many of these Mid-Lifers just settle for their miserable AD-fueled existence rather than doing the hard work of recovery, acceptance of responsibility/accountability, and any attempt to make amends....

Yes, you will continue to get the information on how your MLCer is doing in life because you share kids.  Some of us will never get the confirmation that you and others get.  But it's okay, because right now I guess I wouldn't trade knowing if it meant that I had to have a messed up version of the man I loved so dearly in and out of my life. 


Will get a chance this evening to listen to the beautiful music.  Thanks for sharing, UM. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #25 on: September 03, 2019, 01:58:35 AM »
And here are the next three songs from our concert... Non-religious ones this time....

Senfl - Ach Elslein - (Sung in German) https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhVndiVFZZQXBFSHNlY2tFWTJOaG9yam15VzBB
Dowland - My Thoughts Are Winged With Hope - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwha3o4d29zOGtTYlUtOElKZkJPVi1za3BYTjNB
Stanford - The Blue Bird - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhX21hZlVQMjhQVjJvYnZxakxXc0I3eDAzS1Zv
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #26 on: September 03, 2019, 02:57:41 PM »
Thank you for the links, Ursa. Beautiful singing.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #27 on: September 03, 2019, 07:19:54 PM »
Ursa-So beautiful!!! 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline DaybyDay1

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #28 on: September 03, 2019, 09:51:08 PM »
I love that your kids can see that you're doing a good job moving forward in your life.  That is the best lesson you can ever teach them even though it is not always something that is easy to do.  I do hope you stick around on this board too.  Like so many others have said, you've brought a lot of laughter to a lot of people in dire need of a smile.  Through some of my darkest days I also got a laugh out of things you've posted on my thread or on others that I have read.  You also give some of the best advice as well.  Truth delivered with a laugh.  There's no better combination!

I wish I had some great advice to give you or a meme to make you laugh, but I don't.  All I have to offer is a listening ear and to be another soldier in your army of support.  Praying for bigger and better things to come in the very near future for you my friend!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Separated on and off for two years
Latest move home 9/1/19
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 20 and 17

Offline UrsaMajorTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Thread 35 - Done and Dusted
« Reply #29 on: September 04, 2019, 01:23:30 AM »
And the last three songs of the regular program, including my personal favorite..... Enjoy....

In the Notre Pére, (the French Lords Prayer) you MIGHT be able to hear me as there is, towards the end, a low E-flat being sung and held twice... That would be me.... The other low bass didn't quite have it...

Os Justi - Anton Bruckner - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhYUZpdnZRMDJ6TWgtbEJoT3lINDJVT2lGU3VV

Beati Quorum Via - Stanford - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhUDB0M3h5QVlTSGk5M2ktM1N3NWpacnowSDln

Notre Pére - Jumeau - https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxFLYSVQrNwhNU1BbXJNR0dObXlYTE1manBLbnRTZlhmOU1B
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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