Author Topic: Six months in now still looking for answers  (Read 2800 times)

Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Six months in now still looking for answers
« on: September 02, 2019, 08:57:01 AM »
BD 1st March
Me 54 STBXW 46
M 9 years T 27 years

Hi, I'm new to this (although I have been reading stuff on here for the last 6 months) so I will start at the start My wife aged 46 walked out the day after her birthday in March proclaiming she doesn't 'know who she is' and 'it wasn't her life but mine she's been living' and she 'doesn't love me anymore.' We have been together for 27 years and married for 9 of those years. We had spent the last 1 1/2 years fixing up a house we had bought in the country as well as our flat in London which we remortgaged to buy the country house.

I was self employed but due to depression and very noisy neighbours above us I just kinda gave up working and slipped into a deep funk without really ever any discussion between us. My STBXW has a very well paid job so both mortgages were based on her income alone and the house in the country is solely in her name as it was cheaper to spread the mortgage out over 20 years as due to my age it would have been over 15 years only.

That side of things we did discuss and agree upon and we also agreed that if my wife wasn't happy in our new home I would up and leave and move back to London immediately. The plan was to spend long weekends in the house and for her to spend 3 nights a week in the London flat as she works in the city. In hindsight I think we both had depression living in London especially as the last few years there we had to endure all night banging from the people living above and yes we tried talking to them and even later complaining to the landlords but to no avail or respite.

Things at first seemed to be going ok and we were excited by our new home and having relatives and friends coming to visit us admittedly my folks came over more than they were invited as they live nearby, and that irked her somewhat, and we did discuss that I would ask them not to come by so often but she didn't want me to mention that to them. She would say things like 'I don't know how you are anymore' and 'it's not like it used to when it was just us alone'.

So with all that in mind I totally get he reason for the break-up as there was a lot of pressure and stress on her to work and maintain the mortgages and bills, and I still wasn't getting back to work as I should have done as the new house was improving my anxiety and now clinical depression. So far although a shock the breakdown of the marriage on reflection makes sense and I had noticed she hadn't really been in the room for a few weeks leading up to it. When she came home the day after her birthday (she said she was to ill to travel on her birthday) and announced she was leaving it was very cold and very brutal and I have to say I went into a spiral of depression.

The words that really haunted me after was as she walked out of the door she said "I expected there to be violence'. I had never been violent in all the years we had spent together although on a few drunken occasions like my brothers wedding she had been violent to me but I always kinda just accepted that side of her and it was never really harmful. Her father was a violent man by all accounts but I had never met him and she hadn't spoken to him in 30, although two weeks before the break-up she had expressed a desire to see her father again.

Her mother left him when my wife was young and had remarried 3 times since then. Sorry if this is turning out to be overlong but I want to provide some of the back story as to why I am posting on here. The reason I'm posting and asking on here is of because of my STBXW's behaviour since the break-up. Within two days of the break-up she sent me her plans for the divorce which entailed me signing everything over to her with a possibility of her giving me a small money over the next 3 years to help get me back on my feet.

Then over the next two weeks she bombarded me and my family with around 200 phone calls and e-mails, despite my pleas just too hold back and give me a couple of weeks to clear my head of the shock and then we could discuss the divorce. By the end of the first two weeks I had to instruct a solicitor to ask her to please stop or I would have to put an harassment order on her, which did stop her for awhile but then came the approaching of our old long term friends and the smear campaigns, she even told a few that I used to beat her, but when questioned she would say "my mind gets a bit fuzzy about the past' and then dismiss the stories.

I have had no contact with her since those first two weeks after the break-up, but our good friends had tried to talk to her and even tried to get her to speak to me and sort things out but they have only been met with as they described raging anger from her and how she says she's going to destroy everything so I get nothing in the divorce.

When we first met I had a very successful business and I had helped her through college to get the qualifications she has now, and I had put her name on the flat in London. Since the break-up she has locked me out of our flat and I have stayed at our/her house. Again apologies if this is overlong. I have spent the last six months trying to fathom who this person now is.

I hear from friends she is abusing drugs and alcohol has lost almost 56pounds in weight and seems to be partying every other night. Her spending seems to be out of control and all bills have been forwarded to me. Both mortgages have gone unpaid for the last 3 months, which has spurred me to getting back to work in order to prevent the properties being repossessed, which I am dealing with now although she was posting on social media that she can't afford food.

She has now blocked all of our long term old friends from social media, and a few that had seen her recently tell me that they have no idea who she is anymore, it seems to be an overnight complete personality change, most want nothing more to do with her. She seems to have found a new group of friends who still like to party and take recreational drugs. I have now told all friends that I do want to hear about her as I am finding it to upsetting, but every now again one will ring and say 'I think its important to know...she's giving all your stuff away on Facebook or she's resigning her job (not true so far).

Despite texting a friend recently to tell me to contact her because her mother has stage 4 cancer (again not true, at least not the stage 4 part) she says in a solicitors letter that we can only communicate through solicitors which I have stuck to and tried to progress the divorce in order that we can both move on, yet I have not heard from her solicitor for 3 months now and have no idea what is going on. There was an initial flurry of solicitors letters from her which suggested she had tried suicide twice and amongst other things that she was going to sue me for giving her bulimia (it was anorexia with another friends version). 

Oh I did make the terrible mistake of suggesting it may be a midlife crisis to her at the start of the break-up so I got a solicitors letter about that also. Speaking to friends and family they tell me now how they used to find it amusing and endearing about how much I used to love and adore her even when they all knew she was in a bad mood. I just wish I could just call her and speak to her but am told by everyone not to do it as she is still so angry at me.

There is so much more that has been going on that doesn't make any sense but I think I have gone on long enough for now. I'm not sure if there's anyone else involved in this atm but I do suspect that there is, but hey that's not my business anymore,  I'm not even sure if it's a midlife crisis she's going through to be honest but some elements do seem to match other peoples stories on here. I'm still devastated by the breakdown of our marriage and of course would dearly love for us to try and work things through but at the moment it's like I'm waiting for a hurricane to passover before going out to survey the damage.
« Last Edit: September 02, 2019, 09:20:04 AM by Thunder »

Offline Father5

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #1 on: September 02, 2019, 09:21:12 AM »
Hi Wildheart,

One of the vets will be along soon to give you some advice. I just want to say welcome. Sorry you are here but glad you have found us.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #2 on: September 02, 2019, 09:44:15 AM »
Thank you so much.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #3 on: September 02, 2019, 01:40:50 PM »
Wilderheart, It took me about 6 months to be ready to journal as well.  I’m so sorry you are walking through this.  It does get better.  Yes, the veterans will be along shortly!  Breath, and possibly get out in the fresh air, take care of yourself.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Limboland2018

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #4 on: September 03, 2019, 01:32:20 AM »
Wilderheart - What reasonated with your situation is you speak of your mlcer being filled with rage and anger. My mlcer is trying to do something about his situation now and he told me he is sick of being angry with everything, everyone and with himself. Unfortunately the lbs is the emotional punching bag for their anger.  My mlcer is booking into a three week residential mental health treatment program to try to deal with his issues. So sorry you are in this situation.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Treasur

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #5 on: September 03, 2019, 01:58:29 AM »
Wilderheart, sorry you are here but glad you found us if that makes sense.

Glad too that you have the support and validation of people in RL who see that this is far from normal and that your w is no longer recognisable as the person you knew. Not sure why that helps so much but it does. And they are quite right that limited, if any, contact is the thing to do when you are dealing with an irrational person full of rage and bile. You simply can't talk normal to bonkers, sorry.

So, does your w tick a lot of the MLC boxes? From here in the cheap seats, my word yes...she might as well be wearing an MLC hat. Try not to worry at that too much though....there will be plenty of time when you will need to unpick all the WTF and will review your shared history with a slightly different eye...that's normal and we each reach different conclusions.

What strikes me about your situation now though is that it seems you have three pressing priorities as things stand....and none of them is about your w.
Your own mental health and resilience, particularly bc you say you have had past experience of depression.
Short-term financial issues including how to keep a secure roof over your head while your w is evidently wanting to take a flamethrower to everything.
Longer term financial security and reaching a legal settlement appropriate for the overall financial history of your relationship.

I would humbly suggest that these are things to fight for now bc they are the things that will affect your future no matter what happens to or with your w.

What are you doing about those three things right now?
What kind of support do you have or need?
Are there things you need to do that you have not yet done or are not sure how to do?
I appreciate that you probably feel overwhelmed and quite despairing of better days when life makes sense again, so doing some things feels very hard. Maybe even impossible. But we have been where you are and you can use us like a spare brain and a free cheerleader  :)
« Last Edit: September 03, 2019, 02:00:30 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #6 on: September 03, 2019, 06:35:08 AM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.

Developing Detachment

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #7 on: September 03, 2019, 04:06:43 PM »
Hi Wilde

Thank goodness you found this place.
What a complete clusterf**k these MLCers are.
I am 16 months into this nightmare and I am learning as much as I possibly can about the phenomenon that is MLC.
I have good days and bad though the good are beginning to outweigh the bad somewhat.
Mine told me that I needed to get my own life as he and his alienator were going to live their new shiny lives together. That he loved me then he wasn’t sure then he hadn’t loved me for 5 years then he had never loved me and didn’t want to marry me. WTF moments are normal in MLC so are the lies and my goodness does mine lie!
I have slowly pulled myself up out of the pit of despair and got myself that life.
This place is like nowhere else, it’s a forum no one wanted to be a member of but it’s an absolute lifesaver for the LBS’s.
The vets on here will be there for you and understand fully what you’re going through.
We are the LBS army in a way and we leave no one behind.
Take great care of yourself as there’s nothing you can do to help your MLCer.

God bless you
Beware of “keyboard warriors “

Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #8 on: September 03, 2019, 08:29:24 PM »
I did go into a complete tailspin in the early days of the break-up and at one point was sectioned and put on 24 hour watch, thankfully that is all behind me now.
For the first time ever I have sought medical intervention for my depression, we both used to self medicate heavily with alcohol in the past so the depression was never really spotted by my GP although I had been given therapy for anxiety and agoraphobia in the past few years. I now have a team of mental health workers who have been amazing and are getting me back on the path of rebuilding my life. To be honest I hadn't really existed on this planet for a few years. the move to the country and working on the house to get things as we wanted them, was getting me better over this time things in our marriage seemed to be revitalised. I'm still smoking way to many cigarettes but will try and get a grip on that, Not really sleeping well I have pills for that but have now halved the dosage. We were both excited about our new home and I had more or less quit the drinking without really spotting my wife hadn't. I've read on here that people spoke of those dark dilated shark eyes and I had noticed those around two weeks before our break-up and very much so on the day she announced our relationship was over.
In the short term, finances are not good for me, but I do have a collection of rare memorabilia that we had amassed over the years and we were saving to cash in when we retired, so I'm currently having to place then into auctions in order to cover the mounting legal fees and in a few months time I will be able to cover at least the mortgage and the missed payments on the flat, but it is a slow process. I have been in contact with the mortgage company and have made an arrangement with them. Hopefully by October I will be able to move back in there as she has stated in several solicitors letters that she wants to move in with her Mother to nurse her through her illness.
I have been very isolated and alone in solitary confinement in our country house and have spent months looking on line for reasons why this was happening and for a few months never left the house. In that time my STBXW found several ways to attack me using mutual friends to pass on messages, I would say you wouldn't believe the myriad of hurtful tricks and mind games she played, but I've been on here in the background long enough to realise now that its happened to others with almost identical events.
Most if not all of our large circle of friends have now realised by themselves that they were being used and/or being duped in one way or another.
I have never, and never will say a bad word about her because I love her, so I have not influenced anyone in any way whatsoever.
Some have met her (she requested to meet them) again to try to help things between us but have come away feeling very sad and that something bad was happening. One very good mutual friend told me it was to upsetting for him to ever meet her again and that I was 'just the fall guy in this drama' and 'maybe best if I got on a plane and never looked back'.
The best man and the maid of honour at our wedding are a couple and they have been a tower of strength from the very start, they have have offered that I come live with them in the capital from 1st of October onwards as they realised that I was losing control and not really coping here on my own. I'm off on Friday to spend this coming weekend with them and hopefully to catch up with some other old friends, as other than phone calls I've not had any emotional support here whatsoever for the last six months. I could really use a hug and a darn good cry at the moment.
I have been kept busy with the practical side of things and having been doing my best to save the properties and assets, speaking to lenders etc in the hope that she wakes up from this nightmare world she has now created.  I have also had to open bank accounts, register for taxes, sort out the wifi and telephone (she closed them down) and the unpaid utility bills, she has also now locked all of my belongings into a storage unit and is not paying the bill in order to get it all repossessed and sold off cheap at auction. I'm not sure if she hasn't given my car away yet but will find out this weekend. I've been dealing with estate agents to get the house sold asap as we put a lot of equity into it (and a lot of work) but she has said on social media and written to the mortgage company to say she wants it repossessed as soon as possible. It would require her consent to sell it of course and again she just ignores solicitors letters and has told friends she would rather he gets nothing from the sale.
As I said its been 3 months since I've last had a letter from her solicitor, my disclosure has been on the table for months now and it looks like I will have to raise the money to go to court in order to force her to disclose for a divorce I don't want. The divorce has been registered with the court and she now wants me to pay for it. The unreasonable behaviour she has listed as grounds for the divorce are ridiculous and would be laughable is it wasn't such a serious matter.
I'm not sure what the future hold for us if there is any together, but I will and am getting stronger day by day and trying to own the really really bad days (like today) sometimes the pain and heartache are unbearable. I don't care about the houses and stuff but I care with all my heart for her and am so very worried about the often dangerous situations and states she is getting into, its not been unknown for her to have collapsed drunk in the streets in the early hours. I'm so scared for her.
Thank you all so much for replying and I think I'm only just starting to comprehend what has happened, I take full responsibility for my part in the breakdown of our marriage I just wish we had talked before it came to this or maybe it had to come to this for me to become stronger and hopefully for us both to find happiness one way or another in this life. I think and hope I will get through this, I just miss my friend so much. I think we are both now on very different rollercoaster rides. I'm crying as I write this and I think it's the first time I have really cried since it all began in March. Thank you again for all being here.

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #9 on: September 03, 2019, 10:19:07 PM »

I think you are coping with a mountain of cr*p at the moment.
I lived  minute by minute for many months. My MLCer gaslighted me for a long time. Made me believe it was all my fault, told me he was living with an ex colleague whilst having an ea with some woman he met online. All lies. He actually lives with a woman who he works with and she left her h for mine.
The point I am making is there is very probably om floating around somewhere so, after all the cr*p you have already faced please prepare yourself for this outcome.

My sister is a recovered MLCer and she has her own thread. Give her threads a viewing, she gives some invaluable insight into the somewhat crazy mind of someone in MLC.

Look after yourself and let her run around in her craziness as this has to run it’s course but you don’t need to run with her.

God bless you
Beware of “keyboard warriors “


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