Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Six months in now still looking for answers

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#10: September 03, 2019, 11:05:07 PM
I think there is a om also and I think it is an old friend of ours. He was calling me a lot at the start of this but suddenly ceased all contact with me. I may have well been broken for awhile but his guy still lives at home gets stoned everyday walks with a stick and has serious mental health issues. I have put two and two together and come up with five but in replaying her youth I do think that there is something going on there. The betrayal hurts a lot of course and maybe she's doing it to try and push me over that edge. I have already stepped back from the precipice. It's strange that I've never had any anger maybe it will surface one day, but I've never really had any anger in me. My solicitor has requested a set of keys to the flat and asked her to vacate as soon as possible or by any means October 1st. I have no idea what I will find when I can enter there, she has a history of smashing the flat up when she was drunk and angry. People assure me I will be ok and I'm putting a brave front on but inside I'm feel like I'm losing my mind. Can't sleep, trying to come off the sleeping pills that the GP gave me as they are not doing me any good, was told I was addicted to them as I have been on them for months now and they are not intended for long term use. I have lost a lot of weight but that seems to be stabilising now. I just need to get out more and socialise I have gone for weeks without seeing another human being and I kinda slipped through the net with the mental health support team network but that has improved over the last two weeks and I'm staying with friends his weekend. Shockandawe do you have a link to your sisters thread.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 03, 2019, 11:20:00 PM by Wilderheart »

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 9805
  • Gender: Female
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#11: September 04, 2019, 12:06:11 AM
Wilder
I am really glad that you are getting the mental health support you need and the loving support of friends. I am also tbh rather admiring of how much you have managed to tackle proactively at the same time. You may not feel that way, but it is there in your story.

It's important that you respect the reality of what has happened to you - not bc of you, but to you - and the reality of just how draining of your emotional and mental resilience this is. Not so you can wallow in victimhood, but so you can disagree with the internal voice of despair that tells you that you are broken and it will never get better. That voice is a liar so keep mentally punching it on the nose. Most of us never imagined life would get better but it does. Might take a while but it does. And you are not alone here with a spouse trying to destroy you financially and legally...Savoir Faire and Milly are just two who spring to mind.

And your W? It is understandable that you care about her after 27 years....but right now you need to care more about you. Partly bc she is not. Mostly bc your w is a train wreck who wants to destroy you; whatever she was before, she is not that person now. Nor is she someone who one could navigate a mediation with or any kind of rational divorce process...so yes, the court option is probably the only route. Sucks but it is reality bc your w is essentially behaving like someone who is an addict or someone who is mentally ill. And you can't fix that. Just like an addict. From what you write, it sounds as if your w is selfmedicating her rage by trying to blame and destroy you, selfmedicating her depression with om, drugs, alcohol and money. And you need to respect the reality of that too. Just like an addict. I loved my h and I would have taken a bullet for him...but I had to change my perspective once I realised he was firing the bullets. But it is a mindf**k that takes a while to adjust to.

Use the L process bc you may care more about your w than money/houses etc...but your w would see you homeless and bankrupt if she could and that wouldn't fix anything at all would it? I hope that your L understands that this is not a normal divorce, that your w is currently disordered in her behaviour and that he/she is advising you accordingly. Keep focused on your own recovery. Let the people who love you hold you up for a while when you need it. Stay away from her and document everything.

If your w ever recovers, even after divorce, there will be time enough to show love and care for her. But that time is not yet. And just like an addict, she may need to fall much further for longer before she wants to change.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 04, 2019, 12:39:23 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Gender: Male
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#12: September 04, 2019, 12:38:29 AM
Thank you. I found Shockandawe's thread and it all kinda makes sense of the senselessness that is happening her sister sounds a lot my STBXW. It has given me some glimmer of hope and strength. I'm not sure how this is all going to pan out in the end or if I can hold onto the rope for that long, my hands are already blistered. I think we will get divorced but at the moment she is delaying matters, I think divorce is more complicated than she envisaged it would be. In the long term I will be financially very well off, my parents are quite wealthy on paper, as a friend said 'you've got everything going for you, your handsome, charming and have the best friends in the world'. I'm meeting old friends on saturday night as there is a premier screening of a documentary about me and my/our life and how we had changed other peoples lives in the past, expect I will probably cry a bit (by a bit I mean a lot), as my STBXW was very much a part of what we had achieved over the years. I can see by your sisters observations of the FOG that my wife is doing the same and has gone off-line into her own fantasy world at the moment and spending money like crazy on clothes and going out. I wish I could help her but for now she has signed legal documents to say she doesn't want my help I can see now that I'm the enemy and in her mind the reason she is so unhappy with her life.
I still miss my friend.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 04, 2019, 01:16:33 AM by Wilderheart »

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Gender: Male
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#13: September 04, 2019, 01:32:52 AM
Treasur I love your blog will have to try some of the recipes. My L is acutely aware of the nature of the divorce if not somewhat exasperated by her posturing legal letters. My STBXW does work for a law firm but for some reason has engaged a cheap L in her hometown. I think she does not want her firm to see how she is behaving. She has put on social media how she is thinking of resigning her job to go work in the mental health sector. I do think her mother has played a big part in the break-up as she does have some borderline issues and as I've said before has been divorced a few times. I hope my wife does move back in with her and I hope she does reunite with her alcoholic criminal father before he dies as even in his absence he has a role to play in this break up. Your right I do need to work on myself and lean on or at least into friends for awhile. Being here is really helping me a lot and I can't thank you all enough but will try again and again. I do know that there is a long road to travel on this journey in front of me and with all your messages of support and advice I feel some of the burden has been lifted and that I am not alone on this path. Thank you again.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 04, 2019, 01:42:24 AM by Wilderheart »

  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 207
  • Gender: Female
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#14: September 04, 2019, 09:17:32 AM
Hi Wilderheart,
It is very difficult for me to read newbies stories. Anyway, I would like to welcome you.
Your wife is in MLC, she needs to go through and you too

- She wants divorce. OK, do not stall it. Agree to it. As long as there will be fair settlement.
  from my own experience, looking 3 years back, I'm glad I did it. I've managed to get a very good deal, while my MLCer was on guilt mode. If I would divorce now I'll be in trouble. 
- Communication. Well, this one is difficult. You want her back and she knows that, so she will manipulates you big time. That one is up to you to decide when enough is enough. ( read some male LBS's threads like Ursa, Whyus and others..)
- you don't want to be in the state of anguish and uncertainty for a long time. Don't you? I bet you don't. Then you need to cut communications with her as much as possible. Still, it will take you up to 2 years to understand what is going on ( MLCers tend to cycle wildly in the beginning..like I want to-I want you not. It will put huge stress on your physical and most important mental health. Cut off the crazy! Easier said then done but you HAVE to. You need to remember that MLC takes 4-10 years... so you better plan your life accordingly.
- Oh, last but not least. No relationship talks, no roses and presents , it's useless. She is gone. Respect her wishes and learn to leave with that.

Sorry if it was short in brutal. You are not alone on this path.
We are with you, just post as much as you want. 

  • Logged

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Gender: Male
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#15: September 05, 2019, 12:39:14 AM
Was visited by a mental health worker on Monday for a check up, visited the GP on tuesday and was visited by another mental health team member yesterday (apparently I had thrown up red flags all over their system), they all say I am improving and that I will be ok, it doesn't really feel that way to me at the moment, but time will tell. I have only had one L letter from her in the last 3 months and that was to say 'we are awaiting instruction from our client' does she even want this divorce now? or maybe she wants to draw it out to run up legal fees and it buys her time to run up debts on the properties. She said at the start to wants to go bankrupt, and told a friend 'he will not win this divorce'. Neither of us will win of course and we will both be losers. My L has given her an ultimatum to disclose by the 11th of September else we will have to go up the forced disclosure court route, and to vacate the flat by any means on October 1st. So this is and could be a very telling month or maybe she will just ignore it and bury her head in the sand as she has been doing thus far.

I've not communicated with her since the middle of March and I have blocked her on social media, all of her family blocked me on the day of the break-up which is sad because I've know them all for 27 years we even all went on holiday together this time last year, and last christmas my STBXW was excitedly planning to have them all spend the holiday at our house and was talking about sleeping arrangements and stuff. As on holiday I would have been doing all the cooking as I enjoy doing it.

I'm heading up to London tomorrow to stay with friends and also to deliver some of the artworks we had collected over the years to an auction house. We had collected these as an investment for when she retired and to go off and travel the world. I have no other way of raising cash to pay the L atm I've had to go to the food bank just to survive, I am now receiving basic universal credits allowance but nowhere near enough to pay any mortgages or bills. It will be months before the artworks are sold and to go to court for disclosure will costs thousands so it is just an empty threat for the time being.

My brother had a look at FB and she is talking about visiting a friend in Australia maybe she will abscond and leave me to clear up this terrible mess she has made of things. The mortgages went into 3 months of arrears yesterday so that's both our credit ratings destroyed.

She seems to be contacting really old friends (all single males) that we had not seen for years and revisiting all our old haunts even places that didn't interest her before, strangely she told a friend that 'me and her are the same person now' and its as though she has exorcised me from her life and is trying to live hers as me, but in a version of our early years together.

She has now blocked most of our closest friends on Facebook and told them her therapist has told her to cease all contact with people from her/our past.

I've been reading all I can in here for days now and it has given me some valuable insights into why this is happening but its still hard to equate it to the woman she was and has now become. I get it now there is no thought of me or the hurt and damage she is doing, she seems happy to wreck her own life just to destroy me in the process. I don't hate her for his or even feel any anger towards her just absolute sadness. I'm doing my best to save both of us for financial ruin but it is an uphill battle as she methodically sets about destroying both our lives.

Did get some sleep last night and have started to cook and eat again. I have decided I will stand for her and let history take care of things, but for now as you have all stated I really need to care for myself as though I was caring for somebody else, ie.: I wouldn't give them a can of beer to wash down sleeping pills and I would feed them healthy food and make them eat and sleep regularly.

My brain is still being bad to me so I do need to work those mental muscles and ignore the bad thoughts. I have resisted many urges just to pick up the phone and just say 'c'mon now...' and having read so much in here I now know NOT to do that and how counter productive that would be. So again thank you all.

Does she know how much I love her maybe but as you have said she she just doesn't care and I think she would be happier if I just didn't exist anymore.

That hurts.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 12:45:27 AM by Wilderheart »

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Gender: Male
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#16: September 05, 2019, 10:26:51 PM
Its now 6 in the morning can't sleep, spent last night reading all of Shockandawe's posts, and they have made me think a lot about what my w is going through, my brother had a look at her FB page and says she just looks ill, she's wearing sunglasses in most of the pics and just prior to the break-up she had her earphones in constantly whilst drinking in the early hours of the morning. I would wake up to find her side of the bed empty to come down and find her in the kitchen having her own private party, I would ask what's going on but she always would say 'oh I'm just a bit stressed'. She told a friend before the break-up he keeps asking if theres something wrong and there isn't and it was upsetting for her that I though there was something wrong and there wasn't. Her Facebook post on valentines day was what a wonderful husband she had and how lucky she was, that was just two weeks before the BD. Probably like others here in have spent days and weeks searching the internet to find a reason and was only cherry picking the ones that suited me and my wishes for a happy outcome. I need to stop doing this now, I've been in a stupor for six months now but something is very slowly waking up in me and I realise how dependant I was on her in past few years. She is gone for now and I need to get me back whilst she is away.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 05, 2019, 10:36:19 PM by Wilderheart »

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Gender: Male
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#17: September 09, 2019, 06:51:13 AM
Today l dropped the stuff off at the auction house, feeling low because we had invested in it so we could travel in later life. That dream has gone now. Went to our storage unit but NY STBXW has changed the locks for now and is not paying the bill as she wants them to repossess everything in there, a friend of mine paid the bill for now. Still no word from her or her L. I have asked her to vacate our flat via my L by October 1st and let me have a set of keys so l can live there whilst the divorce goes through. Not even sure if she still wants a divorce nothing from her for over 3 months now. The hurt is still eating me up I still feel I'm in denial and hoping we could still reconcile but she has destroyed all trust and has now blocked all friends and family. I don't see how we can be together ever again. The mortgages are still unpaid but I am hoping to get that dealt with once the auction company pays up in a few months time. In the meantime I have to deal with my depression staying with friends has helped a lot but come Thursday I will be going back to our house to pack up and leave it forever. The move back to london will mean a transfer to a new mental health team and a new gp. I just want this to end but it's probably going to take a year at least and I can't sell or let either properties without her consent on paper she's just ignoring all L letters. I found out on Saturday that she's been posting on fb that someone is stalking her and shes been getting death threats at work. What on earth is going on?
  • Logged

W
  • *
  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 69
  • Gender: Male
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#18: September 10, 2019, 06:04:39 AM
Today is my birthday I'm in agony still no word from my wife's L a friend says on fb she's moved out to another part of london but can't be sure as her social media posts keep being taken down by her. I've spent hours in here reading everyone's posts I think I would very much like a mentor. Still spinning out of control at times. I just want this to end.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 9805
  • Gender: Female
Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#19: September 10, 2019, 06:23:18 AM
Can I say happy birthday, my friend? I'm sure it might not feel that happy but it is a moment to celebrate that you are still here and have survived some extreme stuff to get here.

My advice fwiw on the 'when will this end' feeling.
Pull your brain and energy and focus back as much as you can to today, tomorrow, the next week. Even the next hour if that is all you can do well. Forgive yourself for a pyjama one....bc you can start again with another hour or day if you fall over. Break life down into smaller and more immediate steps. Pat yourself on the back for a good hour or day or week.

Why? Bc that is probably all your traumatised brain can cope with right now. Bc that is where the  tangible stuff that makes a difference lives; Ursa Major calls it the principle of shooting the wolf closest to the sled. Bc that is where the small comforts of self care live. And bc above all the scary tigers and unknown threats of your imagination live out in the future tbd bit of the universe.

I don't know what 'end' means for you or when that will happen.
But I have learned from my own experience that a known now that I can control kicks the pants of an unknown tbd that I can't.
  • Logged
« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 06:24:48 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.