Author Topic: Six months in now still looking for answers  (Read 2801 times)

Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #30 on: September 12, 2019, 11:44:01 PM »
Got back to the country house to an email informing me that they the tax office have had an 'anonymous' report that I have assets and have been trading so they have stopped my basic universal credits allowance of £300 per month, I think this also means I now cannot apply for legal aid for a MAIM meeting. I have no money for food at the moment. I have to list all assets (already done on my e-form) and I am signed off work with my depression for the foreseeable future. I will call the mental health team this afternoon as this has spun me out quite a bit. I have sold £2700 of items to almost cover the solicitors fee of £3000 to date. The major majority of my stuff is under lock and key in a storage unit in her name and she's not paying the fees in order to get it all repossessed. I guess I am still in her thoughts but in a very bad way. I checked the costs of her new rented flat it's very expensive, and yet the mortgages remain unpaid for over 3 months now. I had an online store which was just a hobby business and she has closed that down now, again it was in her name and all monies went through her bank account. She still won't send me the keys to our co-owned London flat and I have had no response from her solicitor for nearly 4 months now concerning the divorce she has filed for with the court, I have returned the service uncontested 5 months back. She is making life as hard as possible for me whilst she is out on a rampant spending spree in her wonderful new life. I feel like I have a mountain to climb over the next few weeks but will try to surmount it one step it a time. Is this 'normal' MLC behaviour?
« Last Edit: September 12, 2019, 11:54:39 PM by Wilderheart »

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #31 on: September 13, 2019, 12:22:29 AM »
Yes. This is the Godzilla Monster version.... You know bloody well where the anonymous report came from....

You have 2 choices remaining - contest the report and the judgement  or roll over and cave in.
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Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #32 on: September 13, 2019, 10:26:29 PM »
On Monday I will contact a mediator and request a meeting asap to progress the divorce, there is off course still no response from her solicitor. A very astute and highly regarded friend rang last night to inform me that she is posting on FB that 'she's ready to deal with things now'. I place no credence on her social media posts, although he really rang to tell me his thoughts and how shocked he was by her complete physical change and how he felt that mentally there is something very bad going on in there, he has known us both for the last 27 years and did not recognise any of the old her whatsoever. I will appeal the universal credits decision but I do have assets both personal and marital so I do not think it will be overturned. Friends have offered financial help to get me through the next few months. On October 1st I will be returning to London I have no idea until then what I will find left of my belongings if any at all in our flat. The weekends are very bad for me at the moment as they seem to heighten the feeling of isolation in Norwich. I've read almost everything on here for days/weeks now and am starting to understand what is going on and putting together he pieces of the puzzle of the last six months. I still have depression to deal with but feel it is lifting in small measures and some days are far better and I don't seem to be in such a dark place as I was. I'm seeing my health team a lot at the start of the week and will discuss coming off the sleeping pills with them. They don't seem to be working anymore anyways. It will be 3 to 4 months before I can get a court date for disclosure so I will try to use that time more productively to work on myself as I have been wallowing in my despair for the last few months. Being here with other LBS' has been a great comfort and a source of strength, even when things don't sadly work out as some hoped the fact that some remain and talk to and help others is amazing, thank you all so much.

Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #33 on: September 15, 2019, 12:38:36 AM »
Spending yesterday and will be today packing up things in the house, finding it very tough as there are still drawers full of her stuff, so many triggers, every item we had bought for the house in the last 2 years has memories of her attached. I had to do it stages as kept finding myself dizzy and shaking. I have no idea what I will find left for me when I return to our flat on October 1st. Seeing my GP tomorrow to discuss my medication going forward. I called a few friends last night and one spoke of her as having fire in her eyes at the start of the break-up and she said she was actually scared to be in the same room as her. Another who again had only met up with her the once again at the start of this expressed shock about how physically and personality wise she had changed. He didn't feel it was about me despite her anger directed towards me and his advice was to 'get on a plane and never look back'. He told me she had posted on FB that she was 'now ready to deal with things'. Maybe she means this horrendous divorce she has initiated. I will wait a couple of days to see if I hear from her solicitor before I contact the mediator. Friends have offered to support me financially with loans to get me through the next 4 months until the auction monies come through. I will be getting a food parcel from a church in the morning so at least I will be able to eat. So much to organise before I leave it's overwhelming me at the moment. I have to do so much paperwork for health assessments, solicitors letters, list all assets, mortgage statements, etc, by the 24th for the benefits office who stopped my payments as they have called me in for an emergency meeting. I have a mental health team worker calling on wednesday but they just seem to nod and say I'm going to be ok. I'm not ok.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #34 on: September 15, 2019, 12:54:11 AM »
I am sorry, wilder. I remember that feeling of being so overwhelmed.
And yes, how things are is not ok and you don't feel ok. But you will be ok again eventually. Keep faith with that even if you don't feel it.
One of the things that tells me that is that the kind of loving support and encouragement you are getting from your friends tells me a huge amount about the kind of person you were/are and how much you matter to other people.

I'm not sure what your objective is with mediation. It is imho impossible and potentially damaging to try to mediate with the kind of nasty crazy that your w is right now. My solicitor was very clear with me about that and I went to see a mediator to get the piece of paper that said mediation was not possible. I honestly think that you need to press your solicitor to file some kind of emergency hearing for a temporary agreement bc your w is trashing your life and refusing to engage in the legal process while she does so. This means you get damaged more and she benefits from essentially ignoring the law...which courts tend to not like much. But please swallow the current reality that your w IS a nasty crazy train wreck that even others find scary and unrecognisable. That is who she is now. It may not always stay that way, but that is who she is now.

If it helps...bc I was never really able to emotionally reconcile the two versions of my h even if I could understand it intellectually...I started to tell myself that the h I knew and loved was essentially dead. That let me honour how I felt while dealing with his nasty crazy almost evil cousin through the divorce process. And it released me from the exhausting cycle of 'how could he do x or y' as his behaviour got much much worse.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
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Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #35 on: September 15, 2019, 01:55:30 AM »
Thank you Treasur

I am really trying to detach emotionally and see her for what she is now, I know she is ill and that's what concerns me, I have now read just about every thread and link on here, I have googled bi-polar, early onset alzheimer, brain cancer, menopause, personality disorders, everything I could to try and make sense of this nightmare. At first I cherrypicked the reconciliation stories because they suited my desires, but I am now slowly coming to terms with the realities of my wife's sickness. I'm not sure if the depression articles fit her current condition, I have never seen her depressed ever.

The mediation meeting is on my solicitors advice and as you have said just to get a form-A to take to court to force disclosure, this could take a few months but at least it will get the ball rolling and provide a back-stop and hopefully give my wife some much needed thinking time. Although I don't think she is thinking anything about me and the divorce she wanted so badly on BD, and as you say she is ignoring and seemingly above the legal system.

Friends are very careful on what information they give to me concerning her as they know it triggers me and plays on my mind for days and nights afterwards. Other than OM (I think thats already a given btw) there's not much more she can throw at me and my/our friends are very protective and will not allow her to hurt me anymore than she already has.


I admitted to my brother last night that I was ill and he was very glad that I have now openly said it and recognised it and could now look at how to heal.

Im a little scared to be moving back to London but this house has become a prison and I have not left it for days on end due to my anxiety and agoraphobia (the very reason we bought a house here was to help me through this) and having stayed with friends in London last week I found myself walking through the westend happily on my own. so I now know it's where I really belong. Maybe it was this house that bought on my wife's MLC, she did shout on BD that I had abandoned her in London (3 nights a week) and she now didn't know who she was. I hope to get it sold in October but will need her consent as it's her name on the mortgage (unpaid for 4 months now). Maybe the price for me getting well again was to lose her.

I have no idea how she is living her life now as all of our friends are no longer in contact with her. I know she has rented a very expensive flat in an area where my old business was, maybe she feels safe there as we both had spent the last 27 years working weekends in my store there. Maybe it's part of her replay behaviour going back to our earlier party lifestyle there. I have no idea if she's still drinking heavily or smoking MJ, I do suspect she is but hope she is not.

It is mentally exhausting but I was given and utilising an excellent analogy on here "shoot the wolf closest to the sled,"  and that's exactly what I will endeavour to continue doing.

Massive Hugs to all.

« Last Edit: September 15, 2019, 02:20:40 AM by Wilderheart »

Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #36 on: September 18, 2019, 03:22:16 AM »
New levels of crazy reached today, I have spent most of the morning working on a plan with the mortgage company to keep the bailiffs at bay on our flat. It seems my wife had written to them asking them to repossess the property as soon as possible. They don't just do that of course. The chap at the end of the line commented how well he thought I was dealing with the situation under such difficult circumstances. If I can get back into the flat in October I don't think there will be much left there for me. My STBXW is trying to give away all the white goods (fridge freezer etc) on social media or else she has arranged for the council to come collect them. Senseless. Guess she hasn't calmed down yet. I will call the mediator in the morning to arrange an appointment asap. Both our credit ratings are now shot. In the meantime I have come off the sleeping pills as they weren't really working anyways, so I have some slight withdrawal symptoms. Been called in for emergency meetings to the universal credits team and the inland revenue on the 24th and the 25th due to the anonymous report on me. I have no real concerns about these meetings as the allegations are false. Living off food parcels from the food bank atm but friends are giving me a loan for the next 3 to 4 months to help out. I don't think this is going to end for me anytime soon.

Offline WilderheartTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #37 on: September 19, 2019, 12:59:22 AM »
Could't sleep last night, so been reading a lot of the threads on here, in particular the threads on REPLAY as that's where I think my wife is at the moment. As a LBS I find it helps to have the knowledge and understanding that others post. I guess there are others many like me who have spent months reading the posts on here. It does help. In the meantime I have two weeks to pack up everything in the house and to face moving back to our co-owned flat on October 1st. My wife is in full monster at the moment so I don't expect there will be anything left in there at all. Still no sign of a set of keys or any response from her solicitor whatsoever. Today I will contact the mediators (friends have loaned me the money to do so), I have made a to do list for the next two weeks, which mostly involves paperwork and forms for the tax office, universal credits emergency meetings next week, sending medical reports to the mortgage company, council tax, turning on phone and wi-fi, contacting the storage facility to regain entry and payments, moving back to my old GP's and keeping my solicitor updated to the situation. This is her divorce but she is off living her new fantasy lifestyle and is leaving me to pick up all the pieces. I do feel overwhelmed at the moment and am having withdrawal symptoms from the sleeping pills but this all needs to be dealt with. I don't want to push the divorce or even want the divorce but she is intent on destroying my life and hers in the process in order to win (her words). She is still working as far as I know but has told friends in the recent past that she wants to throw in her job in order to avoid any financial settlement. Nobody knows where exactly she is living now or how she is living her new life without any responsibility for any debts or the past 27 years. Maybe she is depressed but no one is seeing it. I know she is angry at me. I wish we could have just talked but realise now from being here that it wasn't and for now that is not possible to have a rational conversation. Like others I have become obsessed with the stages of MLC and I guess like others I want it to end quickly and live in hope that it will. I know this is probably not the case as it is an extreme MLC but maybe she will burn out faster at her current rate. She is gone for now.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 01:06:23 AM by Wilderheart »

Offline Droz

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #38 on: September 19, 2019, 03:07:28 AM »
Mate I feel your pain and though everyone says you will get over it.  Everyday is like hell, and every moment I think of her and if she needs help.  My W is 2 months in, walked out in me and the 4 kids, hasn’t spoken, apart from saying she has not feelings for me.  Told the kids she spent 25 years raising them it is now her time, got married too young, lost career due to family, regrets her life with us, discontent with everything and suffers from ill health.   Her personality is totally different. I have no words of comfort all I have is pray that she will find herself, be part of our lives and that I do not fear the future.

Online AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #39 on: September 19, 2019, 03:48:54 AM »
Attaching Wilderheart....

It's frightening to realize that we are on the same timeline (my BD was late Feb), but our situations are worlds apart (I'm with what seems to be a low-energy live-in wallower).

The best advice I can give is listen to vets and turn focus on you. You can't control her life or take responsibility of her actions.  But what you can control is your own head and your well-being: what you feel and think, how you act, how you behave, how you protect your financials etc etc.  Once you start working your life systematically, it will enhance. It will be babysteps one at a time, it will be frustratingly slow at the beginning,  it will feel ridiculous to work on something as simple as going out for a daily walk or listening some uplifting music or just faking a smile for 60 seconds a day.  But all of it, ALL OF IT will all enhance your now and future life regardless of what she does.   Trust me. I was a mental mess in April, now I'm (somewhat happily) taking charge of what my life is and will become.

What possibly matters most is that you are not alone. You seem to have great friends and support,  accept the help they provide.  You've got professional support, accept all the help they provide.  And you've got the LBS army....  Don't be afraid to share whatever is on your heart - once you start pulling your head together, the sun will start shining. 

Hugs / fistbump
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 03:51:07 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

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