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Author Topic: My Story Six months in now still looking for answers

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My Story Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#50: October 14, 2019, 01:22:41 AM
Goodness gracious, Wilderheart...
Well yes, some of these folks unravel so much that they do nothing but lie, steal and blameshift. I suspect tbh that they lie to their own L's too; I know my xh did. All you can do is ensure that your L understands that this is how it is and follow his/her advice to protect yourself.

A thought...I get that seeing social media stuff is triggering so you wisely want to not look. However bc I think if I remember right there is evidence there that runs counter to some of her legal claims e.g. Being homeless, would it help to ask one good sensible trusted friend to monitor this on your behalf and only tell you things that may be legal or financial or physical threats to you while you are going through the divorce process? You may even want to seek advice from your L about this.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#51: October 14, 2019, 01:55:56 AM
Thank you Treasur, great advice I've messaged a friend who has said yes he will document all the social media posts and send me them when I need them for my solicitor. I spoke to a friend last night about the possibility of initiating contact with my wife and she very sensibly talked me down from the idea, as she considers it not the time for us to talk.  I just wanted to say to my wife cmon now I understand you want a divorce but let's be sensible and do it like adults. Mediation would have given us that opportunity so she's right we would not be able to talk just yet. My fear is that we may never talk again and I don't know how to end no contact and let her know the door is open for her.
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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#52: October 14, 2019, 02:13:50 AM
Dear chap...so glad your friend talked you down and that your other fiend can be your safety googles.

Every bit of factual evidence you have shared to date suggests that - for whatever reason - your w is not someone one could have a reasonable or rational conversation with. It would hurt you if you tried. It would perhaps damage you legally if you tried. And tbh mediation would have been structured mindf**kery...it is not designed for this level of dysfunctional behaviour and any agreement you made would have been as useless as all the prior agreements you tried to make. Better not.

I hope you have photographed and documented the damage to the flat too. Worth remembering that normal sane adults - even those divorcing or having affairs - don't rip oven doors off. Your w is a raging loose cannon sincd BD.

And the future? Well, that's unknown. It may be that there is never that filling in of the missing conversations. That was the case with my xh and part of my recovery was learning to make peace with it. At the same time, if she ever becomes more normal and adult, she will know you well enough to know that if she knocks on your door you will probably at least listen to what she has to say. But right now, my friend, based on her behaviour she wants to blow your metaphorical house up so the position of the door isn't much of a priority is it?

I know it's hard. I know it feels insane. I know you desperately want to at least stop the WTF hand grenades. But right now it is as it is so all you can do to survive long enough to get off the battlefield and see what happens further down the line. You may find it helpful to think of her as you would think about a serious addict and behave accordingly....you can't talk sense with an addict either. But truly, we all know how hard it is and some of us here have dealt with rampaging MLCers like your wife. And survived  :)

PS I know you have struggled with depression pre- BD and then feel you went into a bit of a mental health splat immediately post-BD. Worth reminding yourself that one of the things that goes with that, as I found with my own PTSD, is that our brains spew out quite a lot of self-doubt and can skew reality a bit for a while. So some of how you feel is about recovering your own trust in your ability to see the wood for the trees...normal and it gets much much easier.  :)
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« Last Edit: October 14, 2019, 02:40:21 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#53: October 16, 2019, 09:26:49 AM
Just got off the phone from my solicitor to discuss financial remedy proceedings only to be told my wife's divorce petition has been declined by the court due to insufficient grounds for divorce. She would have been aware of this months back. Feels like I'm stuck in the Twilight Zone. If my wife falls in the woods does anybody hear her?
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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#54: October 16, 2019, 09:37:36 AM
Ha ha...not if we all do the three monkeys thing  ;)

That sounds unusual in the UK...do you know what grounds she used?
What does your solicitor advise you to do now, wilder, given all the crazy stuff and financial stuff?
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« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 09:39:22 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#55: October 16, 2019, 09:43:17 AM
We are going to have to request she comes up with five other reasons and resubmit the petition. Watch this space heavens knows what she will come up with this time around.
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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#56: October 16, 2019, 09:45:37 AM
Is there any advantage to you filing given the financial stuff, wilder? So at least you control the process a bit more?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#57: October 17, 2019, 06:25:50 AM
Waiting on a reply from my solicitor but it seems that there are no benefits to me petitioning the divorce as it would mean restarting the process it would be better if my wife just refiled with more reasonable unreasonable grounds if that makes sense. It is disturbing and odd that she would have been made aware of this weeks ago and has yet again done nothing. I’ve kept busy today arranging valuations on the flat again she should have done this weeks ago but as usual ignored the process I guess she just can’t be bothered so I’m still doing all the work on a divorce I never asked for.
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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#58: October 17, 2019, 06:31:15 AM
Wilder,

I'm sorry to hear this.  I believe they either can't be bothered, or they want us to do all the dirty work for them.

I refused to do it.

I'm not caught up on your thread, so you may need to, to protect yourself financially.
I'll go back a ways and read.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
#59: October 17, 2019, 06:38:32 AM
Sorry Wilder, now I remember the situation.

You are doing the divorce work to stop the bleeding.  You are doing the right thing to protect yourself.  Very understandable.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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