Author Topic: My Story Six months in now still looking for answers  (Read 671 times)

Offline Whyus

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My Story Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #20 on: September 10, 2019, 06:42:47 AM »
Happy Birthday W,
your W sure is causing a Trail of distruction for you. im so sorry About that, I know the Feeling.
A couple of months before BD my XW was Posting pics of us on Instagram "the most loving husband and Father possible. I will love you forever and so blessed to have you by my side. Soulmates"

I didnt even have Insta at the time! Ive found out since that she was already with OM at the time  >:(. How are you supposed to make sence of this $h!te? You cant, that is the Problem for most of us. These MLCWs can be real Evil b!tc#es once the switch is turned off.

Hang on in there and spoil yourself to something.
Cheers mate
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online WilderheartTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #21 on: September 10, 2019, 07:41:40 AM »
Thank you. My w was posting on Feb just two weeks before BD about how happy she was and what a wonderful husband I was. I had a call from a friend to say that she was on FB with pics of her in her new flat, but she has taken them down, bizarrely its in the area that I told another friend that I had considered moving to. I think I meant that I just wanted the pain to end. I'm staying with friends this evening and will try not to voice my concerns for to much but I do seem to have just the one subject ATM. It seems as my w is just running away from reality and ignoring the D she wanted at the start of this and is leaving me to pick up the pieces I'm not sure that pushing her via my L is the right thing to do ATM she's not responding and it's just running up bills for me. I am selling up our assets to finance the flat so it would be best to live there in the interim period but I'm not sure if I can mentally stand it. I will try. On Thursday I have to return to Norwich to pack up everything in the house, it looks as though it will get repossessed in the future but as its in her name there is nothing I can do to prevent that. It needs her consent to either sell or let it and again she just ignores my L letters. I just ace to wait and see what happens as there is no way of predicting what will come next from my w but for now she is just running away.

Online Treasur

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #22 on: September 10, 2019, 08:32:29 AM »
Oh my another East Anglian....you might have run into my xh and his owife lol  :)...but I have run back to suffolk now, much nicer.

On the legal front and ignoring stuff...what does your solicitor advise you to do? Bc it sounds as if your w's legal inaction....and that is very script bc in MLC land dealing with the old responsibilities is a lot less fun than partying on with the new and planning your next vacation or tattoo...is creating some real financial hardship and credit impact for you.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online WilderheartTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #23 on: September 10, 2019, 08:49:57 AM »

Hi neighbour, my solicitor sent a letter on August 27 advising my w that if we didn't get disclosure in the next 14 days that they anticipated I would have to go to court, ATM that is kinda an empty threat as I don't have the funds to do so until around another four months, my w is off course not aware of that fact. I am in talks with the mortgage company and as I now have a diagnosis of clinical depression they have put me on to a special team so I will deal with as soon as possible. Both our credit ratings are now shot to pieces, hers more so than mine but she doesn't seem to care one iota about that. I have to just wait for her solicitor to respond but all I've had from them 3 months back was a one sentence letter saying "we are awaiting instruction". I have to thank you for pointing out that this seems to be normal abnormal behaviour for an MLC, still wrestling to get my head around the events of the last six months. My w has used and abused friends to pass messages on and has played several mind games with them also. Nobody can reconcile her now to the lady she used to be. Reading ss'sposts I live in hope she is still in there somewhere.

Online Treasur

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #24 on: September 10, 2019, 09:05:40 AM »
Is your L advising you to go to court? As I remember - bc I had to threaten my xh with this for similar reasons and couldn't afford it either- the system seems to be designed to give the 'accused' a kick in the pants. (Which worked bc he REALLY didn't want to go to court and thought stuff would come out that would cause him to lose his job or schmoopie to lose hers...so he had to fold but he was angry as hell about it and described it as me 'winning'. In reality I won nothing much bc he had already stolen things I couldn't recover and trashed our/his finances  ::)...but it stopped me losing more if that makes sense?) There is a first court meeting which doesn't resolve much but allows a judge to look scary and then I think a three or four month gap built in.

You might want to ask your L if you can pay him/her in instalments or linked to stages in the court process and if he/she can explain how the court timeline works to you. I'm belabouring the point a bit bc I think your depression makes it really hard to care much about some of this financial stuff now but it may have a big impact on what life looks like in a couple of years. And although the house is in your w's name, as it was bought while you were married I would presume it is seen as a marital asset...your choice may depend if there is any equity in it of course.

Do you have any friends who you would trust to help you work through some of the financjial pros and cons of different choices? Bc I'm a bit concerned that you might be shrugging your shoulders when you should be fighting for what is your legal entitlement. MLC trumps divorce but a roof over your head helps.
« Last Edit: September 10, 2019, 09:11:15 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online WilderheartTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #25 on: September 10, 2019, 10:05:07 AM »
Thank you I have put a marital order on the house so I will need to take advice on wether I can let it out or put it on the market without her consent for the interim period as I have no means of paying for it or making up the last three months arrears. The mortgage company will not even talk to me about as the mortgage is her name only. Same with the flat in london but that is in both our names. I place no credence in what she posts on social media and the picture of her in her new flat has now disappeared so not sure if thats true. It does look as though she has now run away from all responsibilities so I will take legal advice on what actions to take next. I am standing for her but she does seem to be drowning and willing to pull me down with her. I will try to save as much equity (there is a lot in both property's) and will try to hang on to both properties in the hope she wakes up. Maybe they will let me rent out the house in order to pay the mortgage for now, as she has abandoned them and all financial support.

Online WilderheartTopic starter

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #26 on: September 11, 2019, 01:18:44 AM »
IT does looks as if i will have to go to court to get disclosure from my w hopefully the initial hearing will be enough to get things moving. I'm still in shock that she has moved out of our flat into what looks like a very expensive rental property. I will for now just have to go along with whatever the solicitor advises. In the meantime I really need some help with my mental health but in Norfolk the care is lacking maybe I will get better treatment in london if I can move back into the flat in October. If she has moved out she certainly has not been forthcoming with the keys to the flat so that will be more money wasted on a locksmith to gain entry, it's as if she wants revenge but for what I have no idea? Maybe her solicitor will respond today.
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 02:32:37 AM by Wilderheart »

Online Treasur

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #27 on: September 11, 2019, 03:20:43 AM »
You almost certainly don't want to do it, but you probably need to be quite aggressive legally now. Make a factual list of the things you believe your w has done that threaten your legal or financial security e.g. stopped paying the house mortgage, refused to sign paperwork allowing you to sell either property, leaving the flat but taking the only set of keys. Just the facts. Then press your solicitor for more aggressive options to review that may include some kind of temporary lien on her salary for interim spousal support say given the reality of your health and current financial situation.

Your w will do whatever she will do. Right now she has - at best - no concern for you, the law or meeting her reasonable adult obligations. And yes, in her messed up mind, she may be full of spite towards you....which is not about you but her...more likely she currently sees you as an irritating barrier to her new 'happy' where bills don't need to be paid and there are no consequences for ones actions.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #28 on: September 11, 2019, 04:48:08 AM »
Hi Wilder,

My goodness you have a very high energy, destructive MLCer, don't you?   :o

I'm really sorry she is acting so horrible, but in her head you are somehow the big enemy.
It's awful when you get one with so much anger and rage, but best leave her alone.
Plus if she is drinking and doing drugs, she is self-destructing and all you can do is allow her to do it.  She may crash and ask for help, or she will just keep going until she can't anymore.  But that is not your problem, it is hers.  Don't enable her.

May I ask, if the home gets repossessed what does that mean for you?

I would say your 2 top priorities are your mental health and getting help with this financial mess.
I agree with Treasur, your lawyer needs to explain how to get more aggressive with all this financial stuff.
I would probably see if you can get some kind of maintenance from your W, as she abandoned you and is running up bills the are effecting you.  Maybe some how get it in writing that since she left any debt she has incurred since she is responsible for, or something to that effect.

Wilder, at this point there is no reason to think she will come out of this any time soon.  This crisis takes years, so plan accordingly.  Protect yourself and let her flap in the wind because it's the only thing you can do.  She may not want this divorce, or she does but just can't be bothered with it.   Don't necessarily think the stalling is because she is having second thoughts.

You can stand if you want, but that doesn't mean waiting around for her. 
Take good care of yourself.  I'm glad to hear you are eating again.  Sleeping seems to be a problem for most of us, but if you can't sleep just get rest.
If you feel anxious, get yourself outside and go for a nice long walk in the fresh air.  It does help.

I hope things get worked out for you.

{{Big Hug}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Six months in now still looking for answers
« Reply #29 on: September 11, 2019, 05:35:16 AM »
Protecting yourself financially from her insanity is going to be a priority... Otherwise, you stand to loose a lot....

Treasur (being in the UK) has given you good advice on that front... it is long past time to haul out the big guns...
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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