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Author Topic: My Story Is Wife in a MLC?

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My Story Is Wife in a MLC?
OP: September 03, 2019, 12:48:39 AM
Married - 10 years
Together - 12 years
Me: 36
W: 34
Mini BD 1: 18 May 2019
Mini BD 2: 27 May 2019
Main BD : 1 July 2019
1 girl 8 years old and 1 boy 6 years old

2 weeks before the 1st mini BD on 18th May, W have been working late till 9+ 10am or going out with friends for dinner till 11+ 12am during weekdays.
On the 17th of May, she came back from work at 8+ pm, told me after that she helps to put the kids to bed, she will be going out for a drink with her friends. In my mind i was quite angry, but i did not object or agreed to it. After the kids slept at 9+, she walk to me, asked for a hug, but the unhappy feeling in me cause me to react and i told her that she has not been around at home for the past 2 weeks, either working late or going out. And now finally you are home, you still are going out again?  W got unhappy and left the house, got drunk, bunk in with one of there girlfriend house and only came back home the next day, 18 May, at 5pm late afternoon. When she came back, we had a 20mins talk (No quarreling), and i voice out my concerns to her about her working late, going out late. Her reply to me is ‘She is a grown up and she knows what she is doing, i do not need to worry’. That night, after the kids slept, she told me she need time to think about our Marriage and she will bunk in with one of her girlfriend (who i discover is a Butch!) and that i do not need to worry about anything. 

So this staying out and coming back home pattern carried on till 27th May. During the period she is at home, she always texting on her phone, the phone will never leave her side, to the extend she will even bring it in to the toilet when she bath. 
Got once W even mention to me that she felt scared when she slept in our home, throughout she had to keep both kids beside her to make her feel secure and safe. She feel very scared if she is alone with me.  I was so shock by her words, because throughout our 12 years of relationship, i have not even did anything against her will, never emotionally or physically abuse her, but why she will says things like this?

During this period, my mind is in a mess and i did all the things like begging her, clinging etc etc.. At that point of time, i was also worried about this group of new friends/colleague she is hanging out with, and also that girlfriend (Butch) she is bunking in with. This new group of friends/colleague are mostly either raise up from a single parent family or they are single parent which makes me feel that they are ‘brainwashing’ her.

On the 27th May, 2nd mini BD, W text me that will return back home at night and talk to me about her decision about our marriage. So on that night, she told me that our marraige is over and she does not have any feeling for me anymore, her heart is closed to me. She wanted a divorce and end thing on a good terms. Her reason for divorce was that she felt hat i have neglect her, disregard her. She wanted to pursue her own career, purpose and happiness in life. She apologies for being selfish, but she want to live her life to the fullest and have no regrets. W says that she will leave the house, both the kids and the house she will pass to me, i was quite shock with this decision of hers, and asked her where will she stay?  W replied that she will stay with her girlfriend first and say that ‘She is a grown up and she knows what she is doing, i do not need to worry’.
From this day onward, she did not return back home anymore and ‘officially' move in to her girlfriend house.

On the 1st July, Main BD, i discover via Instagram, that she is in a relationship with the Butch she bunk in with! So which means she is having a affair and her AP is a Butch?!, who is the girlfriend she has been bunking in for the one month plus.  (And this is an Affair down, this Butch Smoke and drinks a lot, which my W don’t like people who Smoke and drinks a lot, but now because of this Butch, my W have been living the party life. And once she even told me she have the urge to smoke due to the stress she is facing)
I just felt the whole world has collapsed on me. Devastated! My bosses and church pastor was with me as i grief the whole day. They advise me to continue to hold on the the marriage, but at the same time talk to lawyers to protect myself and my two kids. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst!

One week later after Main BD, my W realize that i have got news that she is a relationship with the Butch. She asked me out for a talk, but instead of feeling remorse or guilt. She continue to blame shift me, that i have neglect her and disregard her. Told me that during this 1 month plus staying with the Butch, she feel that the Butch is very understanding, fills up her emotions needs and she feel that she can depends on the Butch. W told me this Butch had already confess her feeling to W on the 10th May, but W did not accept nor reject her advance, but finally enter into a relationship with the Butch a few days before 1st July.
At this point of time, i had already kind of sort out my emotions, i did not get angry, but just calmly told her that i will continue to stand for our marriage.
How she want to feel, show she chose to listen and trust, is something i can’t control, and only she can make the choice. The kids and i will still be waiting for her to come back, the door is always open for her to return, it is her choice now. I’m sincere in rebuilding our marriage. I will be waiting for her, and once she is ready, we will work together on our marriage.

W previously told her mother and sisters we have some problem in our marriage and we will be divorcing. W sister contacted me asked me what happen and i fill her the story and Truth of what happened. W’s mother and sister was angry and disappointed in W decision to leave the family and enter another relationship with the Butch. W’s sister try to talk sense to her, but W feels back stabbed and betrayed by her sisters, she felt that as her sisters, they should be supporting her but instead her sisters did not support her choice. W says she is too hurt to trust anyone in her life.

As for the my two kids, from the Mini BD 1, 18 May 2019, they did cry W for the first 2 weeks, but after 3 months plus, they have got use without their mother in the house.
W only meet the kids once a week, and only for a few hours (Between 3 to 8 hrs)

So i want to check, is my W in a MLC or exit affair?
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« Last Edit: September 03, 2019, 12:58:13 AM by Fishball »

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Re: Is Wife in a MLC?
#1: September 03, 2019, 01:09:27 AM
Time will tell, my friend, although there are lots of textbook things there. If it is MLC, you will probably find that her behaviour and need to blame others will increase not decrease. With an exit affair, in a few months when the dust settles, she will probably behave like a slightly more rational person. Jmo.
Right now, in some ways it doesn't matter bc the practical impact is the same.
And either way, you did not cause her to either have an MLC or indeed to have an affair.  She had other choices; the fact that she chose this one is all about her and nothing about you. (And if it helps you are not the only person here where the gender focus has changed...the principle really and why ow/om is a symptom not a cause is that they hook on to anyone who is easily available to make them feel better....like a drug with a pulse...hence why APs are almost always co-workers or old exes or online links...never seen an MLCer yet who slowly builds a new R in a normal dating way or who affairs 'up'  ::) )

Hope for the best and act on the assumption of the worst is quite right.
See a L asap. You don't have to act on their advice but getting necessary information is helpful.
Tbh - much as this is a standing site - many people have found that MLC madness trumps divorce and wish they had filed sooner before their spouse trashed them financially particularly if - as seems to be the case with your w - she is ready to walk away from the house and custody of your kids.
So it is an important decision for you and understanding your L options where you live is useful.
As is protectively locking down as many of your joint finances and potential debts as you can bc MLCer spend money like a teenager with an unlimited gold card

The toughest thing for many LBS is to figure out how to stand, if they wish to do so, WITHOUT waiting. Bc any reconnection can take years not months and some kind of life for you and your kids needs to go on regardless. And tbh bc, if it is MLC and your w is in Replay, her behaviour may get much worse and much more destructive before it gets better...you can't control that but you will need to protect both you and your kids from the effects of it as much as you can. Usually the only way to do that is to be much less concerned about what is going on with your w and much more concerned about unhooking you and your kids from her rollercoaster.

It is a hell of a shock, we know.
How are you doing with the basics my friend? Sleep, eating, work, your own mental and physical health...
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« Last Edit: September 03, 2019, 01:20:07 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: Is Wife in a MLC?
#2: September 03, 2019, 01:49:15 AM
Treasur brought up a few VERY important points....

A parent that simply abandons their kids like your W apparently has reeks like an MLC... the thing is that, with an MLC, this is NOT a sprint to the finish in a matter of weeks or months (except that some of them feel the need to push a divorce through in record time like that....).  Instead it is a grueling slog of an ultra-marathon, the end of which is never known before hand.

Seeing a lawyer, getting your finances under lock and key, making sure that you are practicing good self-care is vital. As a father of smallish kids (mine were 8 and 4 and Atomic BD), I can tell you that your kids, while they may not grasp the full scope of what is going on, they most certainly DO know/feel that their lives have been totally disrupted. Therefore, although you are probably feeling like you are clinging to the edge of a cliff by your fingernails, your kids are going to need a parent that is stable, consistent, and there for them..... I know that mine did (and still do).

I am really sorry that you have gotten the invitation to the party that NO ONE EVER wanted to attend but you will find that you are in a community here of people who understand what is going on (much better than people in real life tend to)... In your case, with teh gender transfer as well, a lot of people in real life are going to look at it as if your W finally just decided to "come out of the closet."

One thing to keep in mind is that this has NOTHING to do with you or your marriage and it never did. This was something that was going to happen, no matter WHO she was with/married to and s likely based on things from her past.  Mid-Lifers look for external validation because they are not capable/have never learned to validate themselves. To them, the world is a scary and dangerous place and, if they don't get their "fix" of good vibes from outside, they are going to fall into the blackest hole of never-ending pain and despair.... So they go from one thing to the next trying desperately to keep their "fix" going.....

There is a link in my signature line ("A guide for NEWBIES")  that contains some very basic information and links to other resources available to you here. OldPilot will be along at some point with his "Welcome" Post and it contains MUCH more information.... Read the articles, take what pertains to your situation, and leave the ones that don't.

Again, her MLC is hers, NOT yours. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do to influence it, speed it up, make her "change."   MLC is like a tornado... You can choose to go out, stand in front of it, wave your arms and scream at it and it iwill not deviate one iota from it's course. Instead it will suck you in, chew you up and spit you out on the other side.... Likewise, you can choose to pretend it isn't really there and the results will be about the same... OR you can choose to get you and your kids into shelter, prepare as much as possible, let it go by, come back out and survey the damage (and there will be LOTS) and THEN decide how you want to proceed....

UM
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Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Is Wife in a MLC?
#3: September 03, 2019, 06:35:53 AM
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
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Re: Is Wife in a MLC?
#4: September 03, 2019, 08:45:02 AM
Time will tell, my friend, although there are lots of textbook things there. If it is MLC, you will probably find that her behaviour and need to blame others will increase not decrease. With an exit affair, in a few months when the dust settles, she will probably behave like a slightly more rational person. Jmo.

The first 2.5 months, she did start to blame me for all the prob in the marriage, but i have learn to detach and all my reply to her is 'i'm willing to rebuild the marriage with her once she is ready'. After that she divert her attention to her family and blaming them for not supporting her choice. And now currently, she have cut off contact from me and her family.

Right now, in some ways it doesn't matter bc the practical impact is the same.
And either way, you did not cause her to either have an MLC or indeed to have an affair.  She had other choices; the fact that she chose this one is all about her and nothing about you. (And if it helps you are not the only person here where the gender focus has changed...the principle really and why ow/om is a symptom not a cause is that they hook on to anyone who is easily available to make them feel better....like a drug with a pulse...hence why APs are almost always co-workers or old exes or online links...never seen an MLCer yet who slowly builds a new R in a normal dating way or who affairs 'up'  ::) )

Her AP is her co-workers, same company but different office. And from what i observe, the AP has start to made her move on my W since April. Building a close friendship with my W but during that period i did not suspect anything as i thought they are just close girl friends. :(

Hope for the best and act on the assumption of the worst is quite right.
See a L asap. You don't have to act on their advice but getting necessary information is helpful.
Tbh - much as this is a standing site - many people have found that MLC madness trumps divorce and wish they had filed sooner before their spouse trashed them financially particularly if - as seems to be the case with your w - she is ready to walk away from the house and custody of your kids.
So it is an important decision for you and understanding your L options where you live is useful.
As is protectively locking down as many of your joint finances and potential debts as you can bc MLCer spend money like a teenager with an unlimited gold card

I have talk to a L, and she have advise me not to do anything as under the Law in my Country, my W do not have any ground for divorce. And now the Kids are still with me, thus i have a better chance to get the kids custody in future. Currently W have file for separation.


The toughest thing for many LBS is to figure out how to stand, if they wish to do so, WITHOUT waiting. Bc any reconnection can take years not months and some kind of life for you and your kids needs to go on regardless. And tbh bc, if it is MLC and your w is in Replay, her behaviour may get much worse and much more destructive before it gets better...you can't control that but you will need to protect both you and your kids from the effects of it as much as you can. Usually the only way to do that is to be much less concerned about what is going on with your w and much more concerned about unhooking you and your kids from her rollercoaster.

It is a hell of a shock, we know.
How are you doing with the basics my friend? Sleep, eating, work, your own mental and physical health...

Sleep is ok.Eating is normal now but i have lost 12lbs in the first 3 months.
My boss is understanding thus he did not put much pressure on me now.
Just finish a weekly 5km Jog with my Church mate. :)
Still working on my mental and emotions, the up and down of my Emotions is still happening daily.

W birthday is in 2 days time. Just cant help feeling sad that we cant be together to spend time together on her Birthday. And the thoughts of the AP will be the one replacing me just make me feel so upset and hurt. :(

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