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Author Topic: Discussion Do the triggers ever go away?

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Discussion Re: Do the triggers ever go away?
#10: September 05, 2019, 12:01:53 AM
I dont know if the triggers ever go away but they do soften. I dont even have to Change to Radio Station anymore when one of XWs Songs Comes on (Songs she used to sing in our band). I just think "Hmm, shame" and get on with it.
I used to drive around town $h!te scared that a Little Black BMWZ4 would Pop up (OMs old car) and I would loose it but it does soften.
Stay strong one day, you are getting stronger every day and that is something to be proud of.
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Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018

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Re: Do the triggers ever go away?
#11: September 11, 2019, 12:20:52 PM
When I first discovered what was happening I was literally in fetal position. 
Little by little I started to feel normal.  H and I are reconciling and you would think it would make it better....but honestly it is so hard I think can I do this....not that I would change it.  I am happy we are working through all this but the triggers are really tough. 
But it has been 2 years and 7 months and 9 days since I found out....and it is still hard.
A friend who is divorced and had a really upsetting break up told me it is like this....
The ocean is churning and the waves are big and they are coming one after another.  They knock you down and some come so closely to the last wave you can't catch your breath. You are very weak in the beginning. But as time goes on there are still waves, but they come fewer and farther apart and they lose their power and you get stronger.  One day even if a wave comes, it won't knock you over, you will just stand there and watch it crash on the will get easier.  That metaphor really helped me visualize it!
Hope it helps someone else too!

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Me 50
H 50
Married Aug 1996
4 kiddos- S21, D19, S17, S15
July 2014 BD "thinking of divorce, let's go to therapy"
Aug 2014 to Fall 2016 weekly therapy
January 2017 BD he says he's seeing a lawyer about divorce
February 2017 OW confirmed but H doesn't know I know yet...affair began July 2014, when he decided things were bad
February 2017 I filed for divorce
March 2017 H FINALLY  admitted OW and said it was over
May 2017 H moved out
June 2017 New therapist who mentioned reconciliation as an option and we began "dating"
June 2017 dropped divorce case/H fired OW/we began serious reconciliation
May 2018 lease up on apartment and H is back home full time
Currently still seeing therapist once a month, still working through the issues we had with communication that led up to our disconnect!

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Re: Do the triggers ever go away?
#12: September 11, 2019, 12:50:51 PM
One....for me they are getting better.

Just recently I had a stint of time where triggers were hitting me hard.  They are much much much better now.

They are better because I took action.  At first I was pushing them down.  Ignoring them.  Running from them! (Sound familiar)

Once I decided to face them, they no longer had as much control over me.  They have lessoned and each time they resurface....I deal with what I have to deal with in the moment and at home later I face it and try to figure out the why did it happen and what am I avoiding to bring it on.  I face it.  I accept it and put it to bed.

It isn't all happening at once.  I have to readdress and each time I do...I find another little piece that is chipped away and dealt with.

I hope you find what is the best way for you to deal with them and help put them to rest or at least tamp them down so they don't interfere with your life!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

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Re: Do the triggers ever go away?
#13: September 13, 2019, 06:36:47 AM
The triggers do lessen and abate. I am nearly 9 years into this and I can drive past my xH's office without having a panic attack seeing his name on the sign outside. I no longer try to catch a glimpse of him. I haven't seen him in 3 years. The ONLY thing that still angers me is seeing bumper stickers for the gym where xH met his OW. I still have to quell my desire to go and rip them off the cars. Other than that, I'm feeling much better now.  ;D
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Re: Do the triggers ever go away?
#14: September 14, 2019, 04:05:46 AM
I’m looking forward to no triggers - but I think that comes with detachment. Work on detachment and then hopefully the triggers will lessen.

Mlcer video called my daughter and he had one of his friends over who I got along with. He knew about mlcer leaving me for the OW. It really upset me seeing him. I don’t blame him for not telling me but seeing him took me back to the time a few days before mlcer told me he was moving back to our home country and that he definitely wanted a divorce.
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!


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