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Author Topic: My Story PJ's Next Adventure

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My Story PJ's Next Adventure
OP: September 06, 2019, 12:35:13 PM
Not to be confused with PeeWee's Big Adventure.  ;)

Well, I guess W filing for divorce two days ago was as good of a place as any to end a thread. Reflecting a bit on the past 3 1/2 years, it was like things moved in slow motion for years and then fast-forward for weeks.

I'm not sure what this thread will turn into. I'm not really a stander at this point in time. I would describe myself as an "Iffer" now. I'm not closing the door on reconciliation. But I'm not expecting it or waiting around for it either.

STBXW is still lost in the fog. One story to illustrate: when STBXW and I were at the courthouse having our divorce legal documents processed, she turns to me and says "we're still having Thanksgiving together, right?" (Thanksgiving is a family-oriented American holiday). I was stunned. She's still not processing the seriousness of it all. She still hasn't told the kids she's not coming home.

I feel like I'm doing well. I think I did most of my grieving in advance. I have the house, the kids live with me and I'm making new friends. I'm happy and healthy and generally positive. But, I am soooo tired.  Keeping my heart in a cast for now. Not looking for a new relationship any time soon, but I'm not going to avoid one either. Going to DivorceCare and seeing a good IC. Trying to be there for the kids.

Thanks to everyone who has helped make the past 3 1/2 years a little more bearable for me. I really appreciate you all. Hopefully this adventure unfolds a little better than my last thread did.

Timeline
Spring 16: MIL has stroke, we have empty-nest issues at home, W develops arthritis and hip pain. W withdraws from me, gets a tattoo, becomes workaholic for first time ever, starts going out drinking with unmarried female co-workers, drives home while intoxicated a few times, calls me critical and controlling when I express alarm.

June 16: BD1. OM1. EA with work colleague. Bedroom photos exchanged. "I Heart You." secrecy and LIES, LIES, LIES. EA tapers off but never seems to end.

Sept 16: "I don't like who I am as a W." EA back on. When I confront her, "this is the second time you've hurt me by bringing this up PJ. You're on strike two so don't mention it ever again."

June 17: OM comments on W's FB photo of our kids. I flip my lid. W, surprisingly, unfriends OM and cuts off all contact. Things slowly get better. I think maybe it's not MLC and maybe the worst is over. (I was wrong!)

Sept. 18: After suffering for months, W has hip replacement surgery. I take off time from work and help her. We become close - almost like old times.

Nov. 18: BD2. OM2 is a dude she met playing video games online. He is out of state. Relationship is completely digital, but shockingly sexually graphic. W melts down. Says she's dead inside. Doesn't know who she is. "PJ - you're a better person than me." Bachelorette party is over - pity party begins. W moves out "for two weeks" but returns looking like hell after 5 days like nothing happened. Won't talk about it.

Feb. 19: W and I begin MC. We go for a total of 4 sessions. W melts down in session 3.

April 2019. W handed me and counselor a letter saying she is exhausted and depleted in our marriage and that she has given up. She is considering asking for a divorce.

May 19. After an exchange of letters and a relationship talk initiated by W, she says she is feeling a lot better about things.

Late June, 19 W moves out "for three months" to figure things out.

July, 2019. W says she wants a divorce. I don't fight it this time.

August 2019. Mediation sessions. They go well.

September 4, 2019. W files for divorce.

 
Upcoming dates of note:
Sept. 22, 2019: S24 is getting married.
Sept. 25, 2019: Divorce should be final
Late Oct. 2019: First post-divorce date scheduled. Taking current friend, the lovely "M" (a.k.a. the Boston Hottie) to see Dropkick Murphys.
May 2020: D22 is graduating from college. She has some disabilities and lives with us. She is applying for grad schools now.

Old threads:
4th Thread: PJ's Endgame? (aka: "Boy, that escalated quickly") https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11024.0
3rd Thead: Standing by a Glacier: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10871.0
2nd thread: Long Haul Truckin' https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10676.0;all
1st thread: The ravings of a deranged lunatic: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8910.0;all
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« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 02:59:55 AM by UrsaMajor »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#1: September 06, 2019, 01:26:31 PM
Welcome to your new thread PJ!! I hope this is one is filled with healing and peace.. as much as it's possible in MLC speak!

Quote
STBXW is still lost in the fog. One story to illustrate: when STBXW and I were at the courthouse having our divorce legal documents processed, she turns to me and says "we're still having Thanksgiving together, right?" (Thanksgiving is a family-oriented American holiday). I was stunned. She's still not processing the seriousness of it all. She still hasn't told the kids she's not coming home.
Off course!! She wants the good bits but none of the responsibilities....    :o She's in for rude awakening, isn't she?
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#2: September 06, 2019, 01:46:34 PM
Seriously, PJ...your kids don't know about the divorce??
And Thanksgiving? Hmm that seems like cake AND turkey eating  ::)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#3: September 06, 2019, 04:03:43 PM
PH

Always love your thread titles. So sorry this is where you are and more than anything that it’s happening the month of your sons wedding. Very glad you are still in the house though with the children and hope you have a peaceful few months ahead.

Strange to think a year ago you were ‘almost like old times’ again.

You need peace in your mind and now is the time!
Rose 🌹
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Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

F
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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#4: September 06, 2019, 04:33:12 PM
I just read all of your old thread titles as well!  They are great!  You articulated your iffer situation nicely.  Not waiting, but leaving the door open.

I hope this next adventure is filled with peace and laughter!
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

b
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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#5: September 06, 2019, 05:11:21 PM
Wow, friend,  what a timeline of events.  She really is off on a trip.   And, Thanksgiving and not telling the kids she's divorcing you?  Let's have all that cake and eat it too!  Crazy.  There really is no other more appropriate word.  At the very least, you can definitely says she is in a personal crisis.

You are handling the emotions as they come:  healthy and mature.

She is empty and void and blocking out everything:  unhealthy, immature,  and a train wreck of monumental proportions on progress.  I know how badly this hurts you to have to stand back and watch, but truly there is nothing else you can do for her.  I also know you would twist yourself in knots to "save" her from herself because I felt the exact same way with my xh.  If only there was something I could do to make this all right.  Yep, that is the empath in us wanting to make things "right"  Two things though....it is not our job to "save" or take responsibility for any other individual other than ourselves, and second just because we think a particular course of action is "right" in our own minds, doesn't necessarily make it so.  We thought our marriages were "right" and destined to last forever and we all fought to preserve that sense of truth, until it seemingly became one huge lie.

By now, you have come to know and realize that I tend to look at things from different perspectives to give everything possibility a chance to work out the way it's all meant to...the "right" way.  I'm definitely not saying you should give up on your fundamental idea of "right", whatever it may be, but more saying drop the rope, walk away on your own, and give her what she wants with a side of tough love and reality.

She wants a divorce, fine, then she gets it and all that comes with it....and it sure isn't a big, happy family Thanksgiving.  That's the best of both worlds, and frankly, she is only entitled to the world she chooses, not the one she feels entitled to where everything is on her selfish terms to serve her selfish wants and needs.  This is your life now and she wants out, so I say let her feel what that's like for a while.  That really is the only thing that just may make her recognize the depths of the hell she's creating at the moment.
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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#6: September 06, 2019, 07:10:58 PM
Hello,

Quote
she turns to me and says "we're still having Thanksgiving together, right?" (Thanksgiving is a family-oriented American holiday). I was stunned.

Stun her back,

"Sure you can come over for Thanksgiving, would you like to sit next to or across from my really hot girlfriend?"

Yes, I am going to Hades with Morte and UM.

Have a good one buddy,

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

s
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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#7: September 06, 2019, 07:51:13 PM
A divorce can be filed on September 4th and final on September 25th?   ???   

Man, I hope my MLCer doesn't ever find that out.  He slapped D papers on me six weeks after he ran away and was ranting at my lawyer after two months because it was taking so long!  He'd be pretty ticked off to know that somewhere it happened  within one month! 

How are the DivorceCare sessions going? 

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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#8: September 09, 2019, 12:48:12 AM
As a response to your closing comment on your last thread.....



PJ, are you sure we weren't married to the same woman?  The whole "We'll still play Happy Family" thing seems to be quite its own Chapter in the MLC script. Ironically, I don't see that NEARLY as much from the stories of the ladies here (in fact, I am not sure I remember NY of the male MLC'ers wanting to play that game) but we guys seem to hear that nonsense a lot....

They want to do "Family" after having blown up their family.....
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: PJ's Next Adventure
#9: September 09, 2019, 02:53:05 AM


PJ, are you sure we weren't married to the same woman?  The whole "We'll still play Happy Family" thing seems to be quite its own Chapter in the MLC script. Ironically, I don't see that NEARLY as much from the stories of the ladies here (in fact, I am not sure I remember NY of the male MLC'ers wanting to play that game) but we guys seem to hear that nonsense a lot....

They want to do "Family" after having blown up their family.....

I have a "happy family" MLCer too.  Has a lover, but does not want a D, wants to go as a famly to BBQs organised by our 2 very close couple-friends, wants to continue seeing the children in the family home as opposed to getting his own place.  Wants to spend Christmas with my extended family back home (but thinks I won't allow it).  La La Land...
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« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 03:01:39 AM by UrsaMajor »
January 2018 - 1st BD - "I'm not happy"
June 2019 - I discover existence of OW since November  2017. Lives on another continent
July 2019 - OW moves to live in my city. H has been taking minibreaks on our continent with her since the beginning.  
August 2019 - H on holiday with OW, despite ultimatum
September 2019 - H commits to leaving OW
November 2019 - OW moves back to her country (temporarily). Reconnection with me begins.
December 2019 - H resumes remote contact with OW.
January 2020 - H informs me he has broken up with OW
February 2020 - Gut and clues tell me OW is living with him again. H denies it, but says he wants to move back home at beginning of March

 

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