Author Topic: MLC Monster Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8  (Read 4046 times)

Offline beyondblessed

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MLC Monster Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #10 on: September 07, 2019, 02:44:35 PM »
Shocked Sis, I just cannot for the life of me get behind this whole fog phenomena.   I don't see what changes to make it start to dissipate and why, if present in all of them, it doesn't always leave them at some point and let them see clearly, 
too?  Or, do you think it does, and they are just to prideful and vain to admit they firetrucked it all up?

Online Puzzled

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #11 on: September 07, 2019, 04:56:31 PM »
Dear Shock's sis, thank you again for giving your time and insight to answer questions from us LBS. It's tremendously helpful to hear your perspective.  I've been wondering about the thought process and feelings of an MLCer during the latter part of their journey when depression may set in more and the fog is starting to lift or has lifted entirely.  How painful is it for an MLCer to experience depression and to look at the destruction they caused, and how strong is the longing to restore the relationship with one's spouse (or possibly ex-spouse by then)? 

In my H's FOO, abandonment of one's spouse and children is, unfortunately, a recurrent theme.  MIL and the BIL who also did this, however, do not show any outward signs of regretting their actions.  MIL, for example, also never talked to her children about leaving them behind, let alone apologize to them.  BIL is remarried.  Do you think MIL and BIL may never have really exited the tunnel then as they haven't attempted to make amends?
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 11 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly
May 2019: H gave up his job and moved about 1.5 hours to where D11 and I live

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #12 on: September 07, 2019, 05:56:11 PM »
Hey shocksis. Do you remember your h ever saying anything mean back to you? And does it matter now or do you just know it came from hurt?

If things were different for you, would you have ever text or called. And told yourh “ you missed him”?
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Mrs.Smiling

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #13 on: September 07, 2019, 06:11:53 PM »
HI SS,

I've been reading along and it's been interesting to read what you have to say.
I have a question, when deep within MLC, did you go weeks or months without any contact with your H?
My last interaction with exh was when he called me all sorts of names because he blamed me for messing up the "money situation" he was in control of and started having the State take from his check. After that last bought of spewing, he went silent. It's been almost a month since I or S22 have heard anything from him.

Thank you
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2019, 06:33:28 PM »
Hi SS,
Thank you for taking the time to answer so many questions. It is informative and helpful and appreciated more than you know. A few questions if I might.

Would it have made a difference to you if the reaction at BD, was “I’m glad to see you have decided to stand up for yourself and verbalize what you need, what does our marriage need to be providing you that it isn’t?”

Prior to entering the fog if your spouse had demonstrated changes, and been willing to let you go and determined to work on themselves, and been self reflective, would that have changed your perception of them?

Was it only the comments that your SO made to you/about you that seemed so hurtful or were all their interactions perceived to be hurtful and deliberately antagonistic?

Does the MLCers reluctance to actually leave delay the process?

I understand that begging pleading and cajoling are unproductive.  But if faced with a calm deliberative spouse who held you to being responsible for your own emotions and actions and reactions, would that have given you pause or made you consider their responses to you?

Did your SO say things that stuck with you, or caused you to consider in the fog...or did you wall off Everything they said?
« Last Edit: September 07, 2019, 06:48:42 PM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #15 on: September 07, 2019, 10:16:37 PM »
Attaching
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #16 on: September 08, 2019, 04:05:12 AM »

This is in response to what Couragedearheart asked:

Would it have made a difference to you if the reaction at BD, was “I’m glad to see you have decided to stand up for yourself and verbalize what you need, what does our marriage need to be providing you that it isn’t?”

I tried the response of showing my h, now ex, a link to an assertiveness training online program and said that I wanted to be there when he found his voice. Obviously this had no effect.

Did your SO say things that stuck with you, or caused you to consider in the fog...or did you wall off Everything they said?

I too would be curious to know if anything got through the fog and has stuck. I sent letters as well and wonder if those letters were ever read again or even saved. Would there be a difference between a conversation and a written communication?

Do you, Shock Sis, remember any of the outrageous statements that you made? This whole experience is so bizarre that many statements are seared into my memory. Not sure if that helps or not- helps as in confirming the crazy behaviors, not helps as in hurtful.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online ShockandaweTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2019, 02:58:09 PM »
Hi Beyond Blessed

I can only tell you of my own experience with the fog.
It is all enveloping and convincing and manipulative and strong. There were times when it did clear and I became very upset about my feelings rushing back at me but then it would descend again and push those feelings back. Once in property there are no feelings to push back as they are tucked up safely below the layers of thick fog. This is when indifference toward my ex h arrived.
As I came through and once again the fog pulled back enough to let me feel a little again it didn’t descend as thickly. This continued for some time and this is when I started to see om in the cold light of reality. As the fog got thinner my feelings grew stronger until the fog had disappeared it was then I had my awakening and it hit me like a freight train.
It takes a lot to come to terms with what an MLCer has done and even longer to build the strength to begin dealing with it and reconnecting.
I went in and out of the fog many times but each time I was out for longer periods.
« Last Edit: September 09, 2019, 05:10:43 AM by UrsaMajor »

Offline megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #18 on: September 08, 2019, 03:39:06 PM »
I went in and out of the fog many times but each time I was out for longer periods.

Do you recall what is was like to have a "pocket of clarity?"

Because for me, it was like I was talking to my "real" H again.  He would sound winded and a bit pathetic - like someone who'd just broken out of jail.  But I would still be so happy, thinking he was finally BACK. 

But then - POOF!!  He/it would vanish, just as quickly as he/it came.

And I've often wondered what he was feeling during those fleeting, ever-so-brief moments of normalcy (?)
« Last Edit: September 08, 2019, 04:22:28 PM by megogirl »

Online Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 8
« Reply #19 on: September 08, 2019, 09:45:59 PM »
Hi SS, did other people notice your MLC changes and bring it to your attention, also post MLC did they notice you changed for the better.

 

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