[beyondblessed]

Shocked Sis, I just cannot for the life of me get behind this whole fog phenomena.   I don't see what changes to make it start to dissipate and why, if present in all of them, it doesn't always leave them at some point and let them see clearly, 
too?  Or, do you think it does, and they are just to prideful and vain to admit they firetrucked it all up?

[Puzzled]

Dear Shock's sis, thank you again for giving your time and insight to answer questions from us LBS. It's tremendously helpful to hear your perspective.  I've been wondering about the thought process and feelings of an MLCer during the latter part of their journey when depression may set in more and the fog is starting to lift or has lifted entirely.  How painful is it for an MLCer to experience depression and to look at the destruction they caused, and how strong is the longing to restore the relationship with one's spouse (or possibly ex-spouse by then)? 

In my H's FOO, abandonment of one's spouse and children is, unfortunately, a recurrent theme.  MIL and the BIL who also did this, however, do not show any outward signs of regretting their actions.  MIL, for example, also never talked to her children about leaving them behind, let alone apologize to them.  BIL is remarried.  Do you think MIL and BIL may never have really exited the tunnel then as they haven't attempted to make amends?

[Shelly7435]

Hey shocksis. Do you remember your h ever saying anything mean back to you? And does it matter now or do you just know it came from hurt?

If things were different for you, would you have ever text or called. And told yourh “ you missed him”?

[Mrs.Smiling]

HI SS,

I've been reading along and it's been interesting to read what you have to say.
I have a question, when deep within MLC, did you go weeks or months without any contact with your H?
My last interaction with exh was when he called me all sorts of names because he blamed me for messing up the "money situation" he was in control of and started having the State take from his check. After that last bought of spewing, he went silent. It's been almost a month since I or S22 have heard anything from him.

Thank you

[Couragedearheart]

Hi SS,
Thank you for taking the time to answer so many questions. It is informative and helpful and appreciated more than you know. A few questions if I might.

Would it have made a difference to you if the reaction at BD, was “I’m glad to see you have decided to stand up for yourself and verbalize what you need, what does our marriage need to be providing you that it isn’t?”

Prior to entering the fog if your spouse had demonstrated changes, and been willing to let you go and determined to work on themselves, and been self reflective, would that have changed your perception of them?

Was it only the comments that your SO made to you/about you that seemed so hurtful or were all their interactions perceived to be hurtful and deliberately antagonistic?

Does the MLCers reluctance to actually leave delay the process?

I understand that begging pleading and cajoling are unproductive.  But if faced with a calm deliberative spouse who held you to being responsible for your own emotions and actions and reactions, would that have given you pause or made you consider their responses to you?

Did your SO say things that stuck with you, or caused you to consider in the fog...or did you wall off Everything they said?

[Sam I Am]

Attaching

[forthetrees]

This is in response to what Couragedearheart asked:

Would it have made a difference to you if the reaction at BD, was “I’m glad to see you have decided to stand up for yourself and verbalize what you need, what does our marriage need to be providing you that it isn’t?”

I tried the response of showing my h, now ex, a link to an assertiveness training online program and said that I wanted to be there when he found his voice. Obviously this had no effect.

Did your SO say things that stuck with you, or caused you to consider in the fog...or did you wall off Everything they said?

I too would be curious to know if anything got through the fog and has stuck. I sent letters as well and wonder if those letters were ever read again or even saved. Would there be a difference between a conversation and a written communication?

Do you, Shock Sis, remember any of the outrageous statements that you made? This whole experience is so bizarre that many statements are seared into my memory. Not sure if that helps or not- helps as in confirming the crazy behaviors, not helps as in hurtful.

[Shockandawe]

Hi Beyond Blessed

I can only tell you of my own experience with the fog.
It is all enveloping and convincing and manipulative and strong. There were times when it did clear and I became very upset about my feelings rushing back at me but then it would descend again and push those feelings back. Once in property there are no feelings to push back as they are tucked up safely below the layers of thick fog. This is when indifference toward my ex h arrived.
As I came through and once again the fog pulled back enough to let me feel a little again it didn’t descend as thickly. This continued for some time and this is when I started to see om in the cold light of reality. As the fog got thinner my feelings grew stronger until the fog had disappeared it was then I had my awakening and it hit me like a freight train.
It takes a lot to come to terms with what an MLCer has done and even longer to build the strength to begin dealing with it and reconnecting.
I went in and out of the fog many times but each time I was out for longer periods.

[megogirl]

I went in and out of the fog many times but each time I was out for longer periods.

Do you recall what is was like to have a "pocket of clarity?"

Because for me, it was like I was talking to my "real" H again.  He would sound winded and a bit pathetic - like someone who'd just broken out of jail.  But I would still be so happy, thinking he was finally BACK. 

But then - POOF!!  He/it would vanish, just as quickly as he/it came.

And I've often wondered what he was feeling during those fleeting, ever-so-brief moments of normalcy (?)

[Jackolar12]

Hi SS, did other people notice your MLC changes and bring it to your attention, also post MLC did they notice you changed for the better.