Author Topic: My Story Darkness My Old Friend  (Read 449 times)

Offline cherryblossomTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1111
  • Gender: Female
  • Together For 17 years Married for 1
My Story Darkness My Old Friend
« on: September 09, 2019, 12:28:34 PM »
Hi, I've not been on here for a few years.  I'd fully intended to come back on here to update my story thinking that it would be pretty positive.  I'd finally managed to divorce my H back in Spring of 2015, after 3 years of trying to unhook him from me.  On my journey to that point I'd realised that my H was abusive, controlling and that I was in fact gay.  I realise that might sound like I had my own MLC but I didn't - I had simply got into an extremely controlling/abusive relationship with my H that didn't allow me to explore my own identity.  My H definitely went through an MLC but he was a pretty toxic person for our entire R so it was eventually an easy decision for me to D.

Towards the end of 2015 I felt I was ready to date.  I met a woman on a dating website - she was funny, kind, and we got along easily.  After 2 years she proposed and we were married last Spring.  She turned 40 a few months ago and after we got back from our honeymoon (postponed to this year as we went to Southeast Asia and our Spring is the best time to go) she started to pull away, was irritable and tired.  She was clearly having an EA with an OW - the friend who we visited on the way back from our honeymoon.  This friend is the same age, incredibly successful and rich (which appeals to my W who is also pretty successful and a high earner) married with 3 small children and is clearly having some kind of MLC herself and is a mess. They talk on the phone for hours - both drinking excessively - in completely different time zones so at all hours of the day and night for each of them.  OW wants to leave her H and I think my W has decided that she's in love with this OW and wants to rescue her.  Since this OW lives on the other side of the world it may just be an EA but they did have the opportunity to do something when I was stuck in the hotel with a stomach bug.

BD came when I forced the issue by trying to find out why my W was pulling away from me  - no intimacy or communication - and what we could do to get things back on track.  She said that this had happened in a previous R but her story changed from minute to minute to fit whatever narrative she was going for.  I asked her if she was depressed and was told, "That wouldn't happen to me."  :o  So confirmation that this is MLC.  In the last few days she told me that she "isn't feeling it" and "doesn't want to lead me on".  Since I've such great experience with MLC here I've been able to be pretty calm about it - not reacting, setting boundaries for myself.  I've left our home temporarily to get away from the craziness of the MLC-er.

I didn't expect to be back here, although I'm not sure why - it does seem like this MLC thing is absolutely everywhere.

x

“None of us can heal in isolation. Healing is best done in community” Anne Wilson Schaef

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves - Viktor Frankl

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 16370
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2019, 01:08:12 PM »
Hello CB.

Nice to read you. Sorry you're back with not so nice news.

More than one LBS have two MLCer spouses, Ursa being one of them.

If I read it right, your wife told you this has happened in a previous relationship of hers. It may not be MLC. She may have some other issue, or some other matter along with MLC.

Not everything is MLC. Regardless, do you want to remain married or to divorce? Is there any point in standing/waiting for whatever is going to sort it itself out? You have been there before and this new marriage is very recent.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Ready2Transform

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7713
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2019, 02:02:40 PM »
CB!! I've often thought of you and hoped you were doing well. It sounds like YOU are, but I'm so very sorry that your new R is experiencing the "epidemic". :( Meeting MLCers left and right myself, so I do have to agree. Either I'm a magnet or it's everywhere.

Big hugs on this journey!
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Evermore

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 210
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2019, 02:40:31 PM »
Hi Cherryblossum.
I’m fairly new (BD was a year ago yesterday) so I can’t really offer much advice. But I can sympathise and ask the rhetorical ‘what is with all these people?!’ It sure does appear to be an epidemic.

Whilst I won’t offer advice I will comment that I wonder if your W, rather than (or as well as) having a MLC is a limerence addict? You say she said this has happened in a previous relationship, and you guys haven’t been together too many years. Maybe she’s one that, once limerence fades, thinks love is done (can’t transition to mature love) and she runs off looking for that limerent feeling? I’m not sure this theory will be terribly helpful (and may be completely off base) but I just thought I’d throw it out there. Either way, I’m so sorry you’re going through this again. It’s debilitating once. I can’t imagine twice.
M: 49
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.

Offline forthetrees

  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3054
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2019, 06:15:01 PM »
Saw your name and checked in. I´m sorry that you thought you´d made it to the other shore only to find yourself in a familiar scenario of gaslighting. Did you ever share the MLC experience with your W? If so, do you think she could see the parallels? This other woman is probably using your W as her relief valve and fantasy of escape. If you think it´s worth waiting, you could wait it out and let her see that she is the relief valve, not a permanent relationship for the other woman. In the meantime, you know the drill- self care is key.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Cherry Blossom

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2019, 12:11:59 AM »
Good to hear from you R2T, Anjae and FTT and nice to meet you Evermore (although I wish none of us were in this position -obviously),  - I hope you're all doing well.

I'm devastated but I'm stronger now so will at least be able to navigate more easily this time.  It sure is an epidemic.  I'm seeing it everywhere too.  Not sure if that's just an age thing or if it's more prevalent.

Interesting point Anjae and Evermore about whether it may not be MLC  As I pick away at our R I am exploring that question myself.

Her Rs appear to typically last 3 to 4 years.  She told me that  the intimacy faded in a previous R with X.  When I asked her about this on another occasion she said it wasn't X it was Y.  The next time she changed it back to being X which was a relationship around 10 years ago.  Her last R ended because her ex (who she was engaged to) was domestically abusing her.  She had said that this abuse took the form of raging (not physical violence towards her but smashing things up).  She recently changed the story to say that this ex used her depression as a weapon but didn't really go into too much detail.  I had explained my previous R to her but when we've been talking lately and I've been saying that the behaviour is similar to my ex she gets very angry although she called me by her ex's name (the one who used depression as a weapon) and said it was just a slip of the tongue  ::) 


The evidence for MLC is that she's bought a sports car recently (calling it her MLC car), is obsessed with money - worrying that we won't have enough for retirement, forgetting/losing things, drinking excessively, smoking and then exercising, buying gadgets, talking about getting cosmetic procedures and generally worrying about her appearance, being reckless - she's driven after a heavy drinking session when she would've clearly been over the limit, overtly flirty with women - straight ones.

I've moved back to my home city and am going to look for work here.  I can't stay in the same place as my W as she's pretty unkind and it wasn't good for my mental health to be around her.  She messaged me on Sunday to ask if I wanted to talk on Mon.  I asked what about and she said "about what we do next" and I said I needed to take some time to look at my options and I'd be back in touch.  She messaged me yesterday to say that "there's no reason for you to have to change everything right now.  You can come back if you want to.  I know you' are hurting and hate that I am the cause."  :o  I haven't replied.....
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8258
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2019, 12:25:30 AM »
Like others, cherry, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this kind of chaos for a second time. But as you obviously know from how you are behaving, in a way whether it is MLC or depression or a character pattern doesn't change the need for boundaries to protect you from unacceptable behaviour. I imagine as things unfold you will reach your own judgment about the 'cause' but meanwhile it sounds as if you are doing all the sane sensible things to protect yourself from the effects.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DCD

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 487
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2019, 07:13:54 AM »
Hi Cherry,

I'm so sorry that you find yourself walking the MLC path once again.  Starting your journey with eyes wide open isn't much comfort and I do hope you remember that this is her crisis and nothing you've done - not that it makes any of this more palatable.  Take good care of you.
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

Offline Cherry Blossom

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 14
  • Gender: Female
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2019, 11:40:44 AM »
Thank you Treasur and DCD - I'm doing all the right things - setting and keeping boundaries.  I feel more in control this time around.
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline Reinventing

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1974
Re: Darkness My Old Friend
« Reply #9 on: September 11, 2019, 05:55:40 PM »
Quote
She messaged me on Sunday to ask if I wanted to talk on Mon.  I asked what about and she said "about what we do next" and I said I needed to take some time to look at my options and I'd be back in touch.

Yes, you are handling this like a pro.

Sorry this is happening.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.