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Author Topic: My Story Darkness My Old Friend

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My Story Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#10: September 12, 2019, 04:38:28 AM
Hi Cherry,

Well, when I saw your name, I too was hoping for a bit more positive news... Mid-Lifers - You can't live with 'em and you can't hang 'em by their toes from the ceiling fan either....

Quote from: Cherry Blossom
She messaged me yesterday to say that "there's no reason for you to have to change everything right now.  You can come back if you want to.  I know you' are hurting and hate that I am the cause."  :o  I haven't replied.....
She hates that she is the cause of your hurting? What does she intend to actually DO about it then?  You can come back if you want to? To what? More of the same behaviour?  You are worth more than that....

Through my ears it sounds like Blah Blah Blah Blah


If she starts matching actions to words and comes up with some concrete ideas HOW to move forward, then she'd be saying things worth the time and effort to say them...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#11: September 12, 2019, 06:32:58 AM
Thanks Reinventing - I'm absolutely faking it right now but trying my best.

UrsaMajor - I'm sorry not to read something more positive news for you too  :-\  Yeah, I totally get that she is hating what she's done to me but only because it makes her feel bad and she wants that to stop so that she can enjoy her time with whoever it is she's sleeping with.  She also told me that "I am her best friend but that's not enough for her".

She's asked me to let her know what I expect in financial settlement so I think she's quite happy to make this all official.  SIL told me that she asked my W to tell their parents in person when they return from their holiday so she'll do that this Sunday.  All very matter of fact  ::)
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#12: September 14, 2019, 06:23:09 AM
Just journaling and I will catch up on more people’s threads.


I’m sitting in a hire car filled with my clothes and most treasured possessions. It was hard to go home today and see W’s 2 dogs (I’ve taken my dog away with me) - they were so pleased to see me.
Before I left to drive to our home I messaged SIL. I said it felt like people are normalising the sitch and that she maybe wouldn’t be so blasé if it were her H. I told her I love my W but she’s changed and hinted that my W could be depressed. The response was “whatever my opinion is is irrelevant. We can’t tell people how to live their lives” 😕 Makes me wonder if SIL is going through an MLC or maybe she just can’t fathom it and is protecting her family. She hasn’t asked how I feel though. She’s told me how I must be feeling but never actually asked if I’m ok. Feels like she’s shut me down.

I had sent a friend a text earlier to say I hoped my W would come back and be the kind loving woman she’s was. My friend replied saying that I hate to say it but she wasn’t always kind and didn’t love you like you loved her” and i don’t know if that’s true or not. So confused but maybe that is how it was.


I’ve stopped off in
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“None of us can heal in isolation. Healing is best done in community” Anne Wilson Schaef

When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves - Viktor Frankl

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#13: September 14, 2019, 09:36:11 AM
Quote
“whatever my opinion is is irrelevant. We can’t tell people how to live their lives”

As cold as that statement is right now, it's basically true. I have a friend dipping into MLC, and though I've counseled him, I have to detach from any of his choices as that's his free will. I do accept that even though I may have a bit of influence, there is a cutoff to how much I can actually persuade him out of doing. And if I cut him off, it would likely not impact his choices.

I think you've got a good read on your SIL and how she's not that invested in your side. I'd encourage you to not bang your head against the wall trying to get her to see your point or act on your behalf. Sounds like you've got good friends around you who are prepared to lend shoulders and send truth darts to make you really consider it all from all angles, which is a godsend in itself. Focus is best spent on them.

Big hugs and it breaks my heart about the pups.  :'( People make such selfish decisions without thinking about how it effects everyone, not just them. I've been very grateful that my xH took no pets when he left, but the ones he did truly never stopped grieving his loss.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#14: September 14, 2019, 10:44:43 AM
As cold as that statement is right now, it's basically true.

Yeah I know you're right.  I just needed to send that final message to her. She hasn't asked how I am even so I guess that says it all.

I do have very good friends and my Sister and her H have also been a great support.


Big hugs and it breaks my heart about the pups.  :'( People make such selfish decisions without thinking about how it effects everyone, not just them. I've been very grateful that my xH took no pets when he left, but the ones he did truly never stopped grieving his loss.
I know - I may not see them again as I'm pretty sure my W is seeing someone about 400 miles away from our home and her dogs may have to go live with her family.  I hope so anyway because I don't think she'll be capable of looking after them.  I'm lucky enough to have a friend who is offering to help me look after my dog when I get a job in my home town.  My W works from home so she was generally at home with all of them.  On my current wage I can't afford a dog sitter so to have that help is a massive positive and I feel very fortunate in all of this mess to have good things happen  :)


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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#15: September 15, 2019, 11:44:41 AM
Just journaling.....

My W messaged me last night to ask if I was available to speak today.  I asked what she wanted to talk about.  She said, "You've been gone a week.  You're talking about moving on calling a solicitor.  Shouldn't we have some sort of conversation?"  I had been in the middle of sending her my financials - payments I want back (she went on a bit of a spending spree with my dad's inheritance).  My figure is 3 times what she initially suggested (as she has fog in her brain and can't remember all the money she's burned through) so now she's going to see a solicitor next week.  I feel like I've been here before.  My ex H said that too but it was just a stalling tactic.  Right now I would stand for my marriage but I can't do that in our home (as it is her house).  My property is over 100 miles away and I need the money to move back there but also it's mine

I stupidly made contact with my W this morning to tell her that I know she's been seeing someone.  Ok, I actually said the word "cheating".  Stupid me!  I do have evidence of the affair now and I suspect that OW has been the reason my W's worked tirelessly over the past few months to ensure that her Facebook feed made it look like we're not together - any pics we are in together she's made sure we're not standing next to each other.  That's been one of the hardest things to take - being erased. 

My W then messaged that it was pretty early to be getting so worked up and she assumed I'd not been to sleep  ??? I guess that's a window into her world as it was 7:30am.  I told her I was up with my dog.  The thing is I've actually been taking very good care of myself - healthy food, not much alcohol and plenty of exercise.  If it wasn't for the MLC crap I'd say I was loving life  ;D

Just updating my W's previous R - that lasted 6 years (in all this mess I'd forgotten that).  She said that she broke off their engagement because she was being domestically abused - her ex "used depression as a weapon" - is that a thing?  I have never doubted this until now but I guess we all look back and doubt things...  The fact it lasted 6 years could point to her not normally just bailing after the honeymoon phase is over, but I'm still undecided on that.

My W also asked me to stop sending weird messages to her sister.  I said they weren't weird but it's interesting that SIL thought so but not to worry - I won't message her again.

Her final message was to say an absolute NO to my financial settlement figure and that "after your opener this morning and your nonsense earlier in the week" (can we say pot, kettle) that she had nothing more to say to me and that she will talk to me after she's seen a solicitor.

And breathe……

My W also said recently on a Whatsapp group that I was part of that this song was Amazing - and was obviously trying to make a point:  I Forgot You Existed by Taylor Swift -

How many days did I spend
Thinkin' 'bout how did me wrong, wrong, wrong
Lived in the shade you were throwin'
'Til all of my sunshine was gone, gone, gone
And I couldn't get away from you
In my feelings more than Drake, so yeah
Your name on my lips, tongue tied
Free rent, livin' in my mind
But then something happened one magical night
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn't love, it isn't hate
It's just indifference
I forgot that you
Got out some popcorn
As soon as my rep starting going down, down, down
Laughed on the schoolyard
As soon as I tripped up and hit the ground, ground, ground
And I would've stuck around for ya
Would've fought the whole town, so yeah
Would've been right there front row
Even if nobody came to your show
But you showed who you are, then one magical night
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
It isn't love, it isn't hate
It's just indifference
I forgot that you
Sent me a clear message
Taught me some hard lessons
I just forget what they were
It's all just a blur
I forgot that you existed
And I thought that it would kill me, but it didn't
And it was so nice
So peaceful and quiet
I forgot that you existed
I did, I did, I did
It isn't hate, it's just indifference
It isn't love, it isn't hate
It's just indifference (so yeah)
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#16: September 15, 2019, 03:19:16 PM
whatever my opinion is is irrelevant. We can’t tell people how to live their lives”

Agree with Ready2, it is true. That was of the very first things my lawyer told me. We can't tell people how to live their lives or with whom. Just like we cannot make them stay with us.

Right now I would stand for my marriage ...

May I ask why? Your wife relationship history is not rosy, she told different stories about her last relationship, you have no idea how long her crisis, if it is a crisis or just MLC, is going to last.

Ins't adultery a reason for divorce in the UK? Or does it not apply to Scotland, if you're living in Scotland.

If it was me, but that is just me, I would be hiring the best divorce lawyer I could afford and if she is cheating and the law allows for it, cite adultery as the reason.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#17: September 18, 2019, 01:47:20 PM
May I ask why? Your wife relationship history is not rosy, she told different stories about her last relationship, you have no idea how long her crisis, if it is a crisis or just MLC, is going to last.

I'm still trying to figure out if this is MLC or if this is a pattern of behaviour.  Her last R lasted 6 years.  A lot of her recent behaviour appears to fit MLC but I'm only ten days into this and picking over the past to make sense of it.  If it's a pattern of behaviour I won't stick around.


Ins't adultery a reason for divorce in the UK? Or does it not apply to Scotland, if you're living in Scotland.
You have to prove the adultery which is quite difficult (or at least there's a substantial cost involved) but that's something I'll ask my lawyer when I see her next week.





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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#18: September 20, 2019, 09:50:49 AM
After my W saying she was going to see a lawyer today she just messaged me (at 5:30pm) to let me know that "I didn't see John today"  I have no idea who John is but assumed it was the lawyer.  I asked what happened and she said he had to move the date because of a court session.  Surely they would've told her earlier in the day that this was the case.  I had to ask when her next appointment is and she said "Hopefully Monday afternoon".  Let's see.......  ::)

Pretty sure she's spent the week in London with her OW but I did quite a lot of detaching yesterday which has allowed me perspective to know for sure that I'm much better off away from my W and her chaos of a life right now.  I don't feel jealousy about OW because she is getting the worst version of the person I fell in love with.  And if it was all an illusion then I feel I'm well on my way to GAL. My social life has improved 100% since I went back to my home city :)
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#19: September 20, 2019, 10:47:07 AM
What about you, are you going to see a lawyer? Wouldn't it make sense, if you already don't, having your own lawyer?

Who knows what, and when, is your wife going to do.

And if it was all an illusion then I feel I'm well on my way to GAL. My social life has improved 100% since I went back to my home city :)

Happy to know your social life has improved 100% since you went back home.  :)
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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