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Author Topic: My Story Darkness My Old Friend

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My Story Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#20: September 20, 2019, 12:41:38 PM
Hi Anjae  - oh god, yes, I have a lawyer - same one when I D my H so I know and trust her.  I'm seeing her on Tuesday so will find out where I stand regarding the money and what I should be doing.  I don't plan on waiting to see what my W does - she may not even have an appointment with a lawyer and just be happy to drag this out as she spends more and more money for and with OW.  My only concern is that, as with my last MLC experience, it was an expensive battle to achieve anything.  Nothing I can do but move forwards though.

Thank you - it feels very good to be back with my friends and family :)
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#21: September 20, 2019, 04:20:30 PM
Hi Anjae  - oh god, yes, I have a lawyer - same one when I D my H so I know and trust her.  I'm seeing her on Tuesday so will find out where I stand regarding the money and what I should be doing. 

Excellent.  :)

I don't plan on waiting to see what my W does - she may not even have an appointment with a lawyer and just be happy to drag this out as she spends more and more money for and with OW. 

We know some MLCers drag things out while they spend more and more money with OW/OM.

My only concern is that, as with my last MLC experience, it was an expensive battle to achieve anything.  Nothing I can do but move forwards though.

That is the sad part, lawyes and legalitties cost money. No, nothing you can do other than move foward.

Thank you - it feels very good to be back with my friends and family :)

You're welcome.  :)
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#22: September 25, 2019, 05:53:31 AM
Things seem to be moving very fast.  Over the last few days my W kept messaging me saying she can't believe I left and how she thought we'd at least talk and that it's all happening so quickly.  She's not back-tracking at all but these are the things she's saying.  The conversation went round in circles until I finally messaged to say "You have my number, just phone me if you want to". 

She said she'd call me after being to see a solicitor last Friday.  She messaged at 5:30pm to say her solicitor had been called to court so she didn't see him.  Then it was going to be Monday but she couldn't talk because our friend (who was only supposed to be lodging with us short-term but had stayed for the entire time we were living together - which I'm sure didn't help our situation) was in the house and it wasn't fair to talk when she was there.  My W has a 4-bedroom house and she also has a car where she's been calling OW from so just putting it off.  I don't know why.  She finally called yesterday.  She sounded extremely tense - told me about 4 times that she's not a d!ck and she's being nice and that she's sad but understands that I'll be way more hurt about this than she is  :o She said that the last 2 years with me were great - so not the 1.5 years before?  but also if they were great why would you want it to end?  ::)  And of course that we are best friends...

We discussed what she would pay me back (of my dad's inheritance) and she also said she'd return the diamond bracelet I gave her for her birthday.  That hurt quite a lot.  I'd given her the bracelet because at the time she asked me to marry her I didn't have enough money to buy her an engagement ring so when my dad's inheritance came through I got her that.  It was quite symbolic, for me at least  :'(  I guess at least if I need to I can sell it.  I felt quite calm but was also pretty frosty.  It's just too raw for me to muster up any gentler feelings than that and ended the call with "I hope you're enjoying your freedom and your new g/f" and hung up.  She sent me a message to say "Sorry you think I'm seeing someone.  I'm not."

She changed her name back to her maiden name on Linkedin.  I think that's because OW works with her.  It feels like I'm being erased which I guess I am.
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#23: September 25, 2019, 08:36:39 AM
I'm so sorry, CB. The juxtaposition of wanting to quickly end things with being shocked you left.  ::) ???  So familiar. I'm sure that doesn't make it emotionally easier to deal with. Big hugs.
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"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#24: September 25, 2019, 02:26:58 PM
I'm sorry, CB.

I understand the bracelet hurst, but you are right, if you have it, you can sell it.

To me, it seems more like your wife is the sort that tires and jumps to another person when the shine of a new relationship wears off. Not that it makes it any less painful.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#25: September 26, 2019, 05:37:12 AM
Thank you Anjae and R2T - It is a rollercoaster of emotions but I do think my past experience is helping me process it much better this time round.

I think you may be right Anjae.  I suppose I don't want to believe it but it's a bit of a flashing neon sign.  I suspect my W may suffer from recurring depression that she refuses to seek help for and when in the depths of despair she either looks for or is easily turned towards something that gives her that high again - a rush of endorphins.  This is why, even though I feel immense grief at the end of our R, I feel no jealousy towards the OW.  She is not winning a prize.  Firstly she got together with someone who was only just/still married.  At some point she'll experience what I did - the cheating or at least the anger, the irritability and the making you feel like you're walking on eggshells.  I don't miss that.  I keep reminding myself how it was for the past few months and I'm grateful my friend told me to pack my bags.  It was toxic.

I have made more plans for my future.  Hoping my dad's house will sell and I will have some financial security and make a new life for myself and my wee dog here in my home town.  I will finish writing my book, in peace and quiet (away from someone who kept pressuring me to write but didn't give me the headspace to do that in).

I thought I'd done so much work on myself but when I look back I realise that I should've asked more questions about my W's R history and taken things more slowly before committing to moving and marrying.  I know that each of us is always a work-in-progress - no matter what age we are - but I am disappointed in myself for not learning obvious lessons and ignoring things that were so important for me.  I must pay much more attention to my intuition and what I need in life.  I won't be jumping into another R any time soon.
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#26: September 26, 2019, 08:17:11 AM
You're welcome, CB.

... It is a rollercoaster of emotions but I do think my past experience is helping me process it much better this time round.

Glad to know your past experience is helping you.

I thought I'd done so much work on myself but when I look back I realise that I should've asked more questions about my W's R history and taken things more slowly before committing to moving and marrying.  I know that each of us is always a work-in-progress - no matter what age we are - but I am disappointed in myself for not learning obvious lessons and ignoring things that were so important for me.

You know what, it is OK. You come back here for support, you know you it may had made sense to had ask more questions, you have plans for your life. You know you need to be more careful in the next relationship/marriage.

If the relationship had turned toxic, you are better off without it, painful it is.

Hugs.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#27: September 29, 2019, 07:57:13 PM
Hi cherry Blossom. Unfortunately have been through the whole MLC thing before this current relationship and know how painful it is.  You are right that you may have missed some red flags and that your W may also have a pattern of this type of relationship.

It's possible the best thing for you is to get the financial settlement over with, and be happy that you didn't lose more.

I just can't imagine myself getting through the past six years of my xH's MLC, having a new relationship and that ending too.  I would be much more likely to walk away faster from the newer relationship, having the knowledge of what you are about to endure, than to wait for her to come back to you which given her history, is sadly, unlikely.

Eventually we just have to be selfish about our choices. I wish you all the best.

((((((Hugs))))))
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#28: September 30, 2019, 11:24:36 AM
Thanks Anjae and Savvy

You are both right - my priority is to stay away from my W and end the R.  I am working on that.  I need the financial settlement to move on.  My W appears to be stalling on that.  I asked her for an update today - and from what she said I'd say that she either hasn't sought legal advice or has completely misunderstood the process (I'd put money on it being the former).  She told me her lawyer is busy working out how to get the money  and will be in touch when he has the funds  ::)  That's not what lawyers do.  They advise.  They don't find money unless of course he just has to point to her bank account and say, "there it is" as she pretends to look everywhere but where he's pointing....

So here I am again in very familiar territory.  I don't have the same anxiety though which is good.  I still cry - sometimes sob - but I am letting my W go - as much as you can after just 3 weeks (although in reality it's been more like 5 months that she's been off with me). 

Reading about the differences between Exit affairs and MLC affairs on Hearts Blessings - https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-difference-between-an-exit-affair-and-the-midlife-crisis-affair/ -has helped.  I still don't know for sure what has happened to my W but reading about the options is helping me detach.  MLC or a serial cheater doesn't much matter just now as I GAL.

Part of my process is to imagine that my W will wake up at some point and realise what she's done and come back to being the loving person I first met.  I realise that she might not but for now that's something I imagine might happen and sometimes the idea of something will get you to the next stepping stone even if it is the most unlikely thing to happen.
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Darkness My Old Friend
#29: September 30, 2019, 02:50:40 PM
I need the financial settlement to move on.  My W appears to be stalling on that.

If your wife is having a MLC, it is nothing new, is it?  ::)

Her lawyer is looking for funds... right... ::)
 
The main difference between an Exit affair and MLC is that an Exit affair does not involve the person wanting back, MLC tends to. There are other differences, like the person in an Exit affair cutting ties and not caring about the spouse, while a MLCer will try to control the LBS, etc.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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