Author Topic: My Story My daughter and I will get there!!!!  (Read 829 times)

Online Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« on: September 11, 2019, 04:46:31 AM »
Ok so let me journal.... and could I have a topic link!!! Thank you!

Mlcer went into rehab/mental treatment program today. He rang me yesterday morning to chat so we talked for 1 1/2 hours. A few key points of interest. I mentioned that he should think of his daughter as the lighthouse in a storm. He said he’s in a fog and when the storm gets too much he drinks and takes medication. Interesting he used the word fog.
I said he needs to get better because of our daughter. He told me to stop making him feel guilty. I told him I’m not. He has a daughter and has responsibilities.... that’s life.
He admits he lies all the time. So of course I can’t believe him. I feel he caught up with his OW again on the weekend. He was drunk most of  the time so I’m pretty sure he was indulging in all his vices. Just like me when I go on a diet - I eat all the chocolate I can get before I start.
He refers to relationship with OW  as if it was just a normal relationship. It’s like he still values the relationship and he said that he’d still be with her if it worked out. I feel we are second best. I don’t think he actually misses us that much. He’s just lonely.
I asked him how he felt when I was in hospital and he said he didn’t really care.
I asked him about the WhatsApp picture and he said she took his phone, uploaded it and then he blocked me because he knew I’d be upset seeing it. This doesn’t pass muster. I told him how we discussed we can’t go on dates if we are trying to reconnect. He said it wasn’t a date???? I asked him why he didn’t take it down and he said he didn’t want to upset her. He has to please people all the time and he doesn’t know why. That’s why he needs therapy.  She really does have a lot of power over him. Unfortunately I do think he is addicted to her. This whole WhatsApp saga really bothers me as it shows he has loyalty to her. He said he doesn’t and he said he didn’t want people to see the picture but his actions say something different. He then put a photo of our daughter then took it down. Just bizarre behavior.
I feel he’s using me as an emotional safety net. I can’t help but think he’s back with this woman. There are just things not adding up.

How does one truly detach? I’ve done the right things. I thought I had detached then I became hopeful then my hope was dashed. He’s sucked two years of joy, trust and love from me. Why did I allow myself to get hope back into the equation?


Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10553.0
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 04:57:43 AM by Thunder »
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Treasur

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2019, 05:07:26 AM »
Bc we do, limbo
Bc you want something better for your daughter.
It's normal and understandable.
Tbh I think detaching is more of a backwards and forwards process than we imagine...like unravelling the strands of a rope. But each time we pick ourselves up and do it again, we detach just a tiny bit more.

It sounds as if it is safer to assume that ow is still in play and to expect nothing and offer nothing in terms of a relationship with you. Press on with the separation stuff as you have done. Keep detaching your emotions from his emotions. Do not get sucked in to being his virtual therapist or validating him as a helpless victim....in fact probably better to listen while sipping large glasses of the STFU smoothie lol. Perhaps the simplest thing to hope for is that - if he is telling the truth - his program may enable him to work out how to be a better father who sees his daughter as more of a treasure than an obligation.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2019, 05:28:57 AM »
Attaching....

Honestly, from my perspective, most of what he said sounds like brain-diarrhea to me....


Blah blah blah
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2019, 07:01:56 AM »
UM - the voice of common sense!

asked him how he felt when I was in hospital and he said he didn’t really care.

I think maybe Your therapising attempts are threatening him and he feels you coming too close.  This is a big distancing statement.  Step back and leave him to it and see what rehab does.  Try to stay out of it all.  JMO.

Edited to add - but what a crappy thing to say.  What a plonker
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 07:04:19 AM by Nerissa »

Offline megogirl

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2019, 03:16:18 PM »
I think maybe Your therapising attempts are threatening him and he feels you coming too close.  This is a big distancing statement.  Step back and leave him to it and see what rehab does.  Try to stay out of it all.  JMO.

No, it's not JYO, because I thought the same thing.

PRESSURE, PRESSURE, PRESSURE - we hear it all the time - just don't think any of us will ever grasp it?!

Offline One day at a time

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2019, 03:48:47 PM »
Following Limbo.. I agree with the others, let the rehab do it's job and see what happens.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline megogirl

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2019, 04:16:42 PM »
Following Limbo.. I agree with the others, let the rehab do it's job and see what happens.

Mine actually panicked when I'd suggested that we go to counseling, way back in 2017.  He'd actually yelled, "I said that I would be OPEN to counseling.  No guarantees!"

In retrospect, he was only feeling PRESSURE.  I just wish that I could go back in time.....because I'd retract every word. 
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 04:20:05 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2019, 05:55:11 PM »
Mego, don't worry about it.

Going back in time will change nothing.  I'm sure he completely forgot that by now.
Their attention span is very short.

We all wish we had done something different, but in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter.

No kicking ourselves it the behind for it.  Ok?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2019, 06:25:41 PM »
Thanks everyone. Your comments have made me feel better. Treasur - I do feel detachment is a process and I know I will get to a point where a wall will come up and I won’t want anything to do with him. I’m looking forward to that day. I feel that wall rising up and I’m really hoping it comes soon. Part of me has to work out what I’m fearful of - it’s hard to admit I’ll be a divorcee. It’s hard to see my daughter suffer... she tells me most days daddy will be back. I haven’t told work either. Maybe I should but it’s none  of their business really. I’m scared about my financials but I’ll have enough money - I just need to speak to an adviser so I feel in control. I’m getting my career back on track.

UM - yes it’s all just crap words from him. It’s so very easy for him to talk and manipulate. He even told me he lies about everything. .... straight from the horses mouth or in this case.... the dinosaur!

Nerissa /one day ... yes I can’t be his therapist although he is the  one calling and telling me everything. But once again I feel this  is just manipulation to make me feel sorry for him. Also his way to keep me in his life. He knows I love analysing issues. Fortunately I have three weeks of silence. He is allowed to make two calls and I told him to call the nanny so he can detour me. Yes I’ll let rehab do it’s job but I’ve seen it time and time again.... it’s hard for these addicts to improve. They just want the easy way out.

I think the WhatsApp photo was a godsend... it reminded me of truly what I’m dealing with. I probably would have spent three weeks thinking he’s coming back to us. My hopes growing higher.

Mego - I don’t think they have an attention spa at all. They only react to what makes them feel good at the moment. For smart people they are so dumb.

This sounds bad but I wish I could just meet someone great! I know I’m broken and not the best catch atm. But it would be wonderful to feel cherished by someone. I went to a clairvoyant and she said I’ll meet someone in 2 more years!!
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 03:05:29 AM »
UM - yes it’s all just crap words from him. It’s so very easy for him to talk and manipulate. He even told me he lies about everything. .... straight from the horses mouth or in this case.... the dinosaur!

Your daughter is ... 4 now?  You too will soon learn more than you EVER wanted to know about "Toothless" the dragon from "Dragon Riders of Berk." <LOL>

I would have said that his comment about him lying about everything came from the OTHER end of the horse....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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