Author Topic: My Story My daughter and I will get there!!!!  (Read 830 times)

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
My Story My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« on: September 11, 2019, 04:46:31 AM »
Ok so let me journal.... and could I have a topic link!!! Thank you!

Mlcer went into rehab/mental treatment program today. He rang me yesterday morning to chat so we talked for 1 1/2 hours. A few key points of interest. I mentioned that he should think of his daughter as the lighthouse in a storm. He said he’s in a fog and when the storm gets too much he drinks and takes medication. Interesting he used the word fog.
I said he needs to get better because of our daughter. He told me to stop making him feel guilty. I told him I’m not. He has a daughter and has responsibilities.... that’s life.
He admits he lies all the time. So of course I can’t believe him. I feel he caught up with his OW again on the weekend. He was drunk most of  the time so I’m pretty sure he was indulging in all his vices. Just like me when I go on a diet - I eat all the chocolate I can get before I start.
He refers to relationship with OW  as if it was just a normal relationship. It’s like he still values the relationship and he said that he’d still be with her if it worked out. I feel we are second best. I don’t think he actually misses us that much. He’s just lonely.
I asked him how he felt when I was in hospital and he said he didn’t really care.
I asked him about the WhatsApp picture and he said she took his phone, uploaded it and then he blocked me because he knew I’d be upset seeing it. This doesn’t pass muster. I told him how we discussed we can’t go on dates if we are trying to reconnect. He said it wasn’t a date???? I asked him why he didn’t take it down and he said he didn’t want to upset her. He has to please people all the time and he doesn’t know why. That’s why he needs therapy.  She really does have a lot of power over him. Unfortunately I do think he is addicted to her. This whole WhatsApp saga really bothers me as it shows he has loyalty to her. He said he doesn’t and he said he didn’t want people to see the picture but his actions say something different. He then put a photo of our daughter then took it down. Just bizarre behavior.
I feel he’s using me as an emotional safety net. I can’t help but think he’s back with this woman. There are just things not adding up.

How does one truly detach? I’ve done the right things. I thought I had detached then I became hopeful then my hope was dashed. He’s sucked two years of joy, trust and love from me. Why did I allow myself to get hope back into the equation?


Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10553.0
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 04:57:43 AM by Thunder »
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8740
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2019, 05:07:26 AM »
Bc we do, limbo
Bc you want something better for your daughter.
It's normal and understandable.
Tbh I think detaching is more of a backwards and forwards process than we imagine...like unravelling the strands of a rope. But each time we pick ourselves up and do it again, we detach just a tiny bit more.

It sounds as if it is safer to assume that ow is still in play and to expect nothing and offer nothing in terms of a relationship with you. Press on with the separation stuff as you have done. Keep detaching your emotions from his emotions. Do not get sucked in to being his virtual therapist or validating him as a helpless victim....in fact probably better to listen while sipping large glasses of the STFU smoothie lol. Perhaps the simplest thing to hope for is that - if he is telling the truth - his program may enable him to work out how to be a better father who sees his daughter as more of a treasure than an obligation.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9338
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2019, 05:28:57 AM »
Attaching....

Honestly, from my perspective, most of what he said sounds like brain-diarrhea to me....


Blah blah blah
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 631
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2019, 07:01:56 AM »
UM - the voice of common sense!

asked him how he felt when I was in hospital and he said he didn’t really care.

I think maybe Your therapising attempts are threatening him and he feels you coming too close.  This is a big distancing statement.  Step back and leave him to it and see what rehab does.  Try to stay out of it all.  JMO.

Edited to add - but what a crappy thing to say.  What a plonker
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 07:04:19 AM by Nerissa »

Offline megogirl

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2199
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2019, 03:16:18 PM »
I think maybe Your therapising attempts are threatening him and he feels you coming too close.  This is a big distancing statement.  Step back and leave him to it and see what rehab does.  Try to stay out of it all.  JMO.

No, it's not JYO, because I thought the same thing.

PRESSURE, PRESSURE, PRESSURE - we hear it all the time - just don't think any of us will ever grasp it?!

Offline One day at a time

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1158
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #5 on: September 11, 2019, 03:48:47 PM »
Following Limbo.. I agree with the others, let the rehab do it's job and see what happens.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline megogirl

  • Subscriber, 6 Month
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2199
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #6 on: September 11, 2019, 04:16:42 PM »
Following Limbo.. I agree with the others, let the rehab do it's job and see what happens.

Mine actually panicked when I'd suggested that we go to counseling, way back in 2017.  He'd actually yelled, "I said that I would be OPEN to counseling.  No guarantees!"

In retrospect, he was only feeling PRESSURE.  I just wish that I could go back in time.....because I'd retract every word. 
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 04:20:05 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22159
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #7 on: September 11, 2019, 05:55:11 PM »
Mego, don't worry about it.

Going back in time will change nothing.  I'm sure he completely forgot that by now.
Their attention span is very short.

We all wish we had done something different, but in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter.

No kicking ourselves it the behind for it.  Ok?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #8 on: September 11, 2019, 06:25:41 PM »
Thanks everyone. Your comments have made me feel better. Treasur - I do feel detachment is a process and I know I will get to a point where a wall will come up and I won’t want anything to do with him. I’m looking forward to that day. I feel that wall rising up and I’m really hoping it comes soon. Part of me has to work out what I’m fearful of - it’s hard to admit I’ll be a divorcee. It’s hard to see my daughter suffer... she tells me most days daddy will be back. I haven’t told work either. Maybe I should but it’s none  of their business really. I’m scared about my financials but I’ll have enough money - I just need to speak to an adviser so I feel in control. I’m getting my career back on track.

UM - yes it’s all just crap words from him. It’s so very easy for him to talk and manipulate. He even told me he lies about everything. .... straight from the horses mouth or in this case.... the dinosaur!

Nerissa /one day ... yes I can’t be his therapist although he is the  one calling and telling me everything. But once again I feel this  is just manipulation to make me feel sorry for him. Also his way to keep me in his life. He knows I love analysing issues. Fortunately I have three weeks of silence. He is allowed to make two calls and I told him to call the nanny so he can detour me. Yes I’ll let rehab do it’s job but I’ve seen it time and time again.... it’s hard for these addicts to improve. They just want the easy way out.

I think the WhatsApp photo was a godsend... it reminded me of truly what I’m dealing with. I probably would have spent three weeks thinking he’s coming back to us. My hopes growing higher.

Mego - I don’t think they have an attention spa at all. They only react to what makes them feel good at the moment. For smart people they are so dumb.

This sounds bad but I wish I could just meet someone great! I know I’m broken and not the best catch atm. But it would be wonderful to feel cherished by someone. I went to a clairvoyant and she said I’ll meet someone in 2 more years!!
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9338
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 03:05:29 AM »
UM - yes it’s all just crap words from him. It’s so very easy for him to talk and manipulate. He even told me he lies about everything. .... straight from the horses mouth or in this case.... the dinosaur!

Your daughter is ... 4 now?  You too will soon learn more than you EVER wanted to know about "Toothless" the dragon from "Dragon Riders of Berk." <LOL>

I would have said that his comment about him lying about everything came from the OTHER end of the horse....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline kalypso

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 41
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2019, 01:54:10 PM »
Hello Limboland, I'm glad your H went to the programme, at the very least it can only improve him somewhat.
About him reffering to the OW as someone who he misses and values, and admitting that he didn't care when you were in hospital, it's making me angry and saddens me because he probably isn't ready/cooked yet. I was scared, terrified and devastated when I found out my H valued and appreciated his OW, when I found out about his affair he didn't give a s$it about me, he only cares about her since he left. So I totally relate to what you say. If one told me years ago that H woulnd't spend time with our D because he had to go sell his OW's car, I'd say they were nuts, but this is what happened!

Regarding detachment, for me his consistent actions did some good work. He hasn't cycled even once since he left, he never gave mixed messages, he totally ignores me. Plus on what would be our 26th anniversary in March I sent him a text and asked if he was happy with his life, and since I never got an explanation, I thought it would be good to get one our annivesrary date. So after much pushing (he wrote there isn't anything to say, I have explained it all, I don't have anything to answer), he said that he is happy where he is and it's over between us. That was the decisive factor/catalytic/crucial thing for me to start my detachment proccess, because until then he hadn't said a word to explain his actions or his decision to leave. So unconciously, after that, I changed. I would prefer not to see him ever again as he is now (impossible because of D) and though I still retain some hope for reconciliation, I don't see how it could ever work for me. And I am not influenced by his behaviour and actions anymore, I think of him and see him as a stranger. But in your case he has shown some positive signs, there has been some actions from his part, so it is totally understandable to feel confused and sucked in again. I may feel somehow detached from him, but for all I know, if I was in your position, I might have been throwing a party one day and then on the floor crying. So this cycling is very damaging, that's why detachment is important, but I at least was "lucky" that my H didn't falter even once.
So, for the sake of your D's and your own wellbeing, try to remain hopeful but not to have any expectations (the hardest thing, when you have some positive signs, but that's the only way to keep your sanity).

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2019, 03:51:27 AM »

Hey everyone

UM- i will wait with baited breath to watch dragon riders of Berk. I did look it up. We are watching fancy Nancy and pj mask atm. I miss peppa pig but she is over it. My mlcer is full of it but aren’t they all.

Kalypso- I don’t think mlcer is cooked but I think he has recognition that he is a void of nothingness. Nothing has worked to make him feel better so at least he has some self awareness and is trying treatment. Have many other mlcers gone into a treatment program?

Kalypso - Your mlcer just stays out of your life which is easier in many ways. As mine moved to another country I have found it easier to detach. I can’t imagine living close to one. It was awful when he lived nearby as I always had this constant hope dashed with anxiety that he would come to his senses and move back. Once I found out about other woman, the engagement and he moved I actually could work on my healing. I had to face reality. In fact it was a god send because I had to make choices in my life and it motivated me to challenge myself in so many ways. Before I was just a puppet to his emotions and behaviour. I am loving Wayne Dyer quotes which really help me. Every time I have that sinking feeling I read these three.
“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.”  “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Like you kalypso, I find the hardest thing to understand is how he could not want to be part of his young daughter’s  life and how he could hurt his own child.(although he doesn’t think he has)  The mind boggles. But he has prioritized this woman and his needs.

I know I shouldn’t have hope and as mentioned the WhatsApp picture,  although hurtful, was a godsend to remind me he is a prick. I’m reading a lot about narcissism. My Mlcer didn’t sign the papers to proceed to get financial settlement sorted before he went in. He said he would but unless his lawyer is taking his time then it’s because mlcer couldn’t be stuffed signing. he wants to control me and is playing games. Maybe my mlcer isn’t an mlcer but just a  narcissist. All his behavior indicates that he is a narc. Kalypso’s husband isn’t a narc because he just left and isn’t coming back and forth. (Or is that an incorrect assessment?)

My therapist asked whether my husband was narcissistic before all of this saga. I said he was selfish and spoilt but never narcissistic. maybe he was just happy to have me in his life as he got his own way most of the time and then when he found someone more exciting that could fuel his empty soul he left. I’m not sure......

Am reading this blog about narcissism and find mlcer to have a lot of the attributes. But once again is it the mlc or just him? Chicken or the egg.

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/

Anyway so that’s where I’m at. A lot of self reflection about myself and my ego. I think I’m quite competitive. I’ve noticed that I don’t care as much what people think about me because I know I’m a good person with good ethics and values. I’ve been through the wars and kept my head held high so if people want to criticize me they can - I don’t care as much. I feel such a huge connection with all people as we all suffer. My heart bleeds sometimes because of the suffering but then it enables me to know that suffering is a part of life.

Does anyone have animals who have become very stressed through this mlc situation?One of my dogs is very old but I feel he’s so stressed - he feels my pain. He misses his dad and we’ve moved three times in 18 months. I think he’s holding on to protect me so I sat with him and told him if he needs to go he can..... he’s not in pain but he’s tired. He doesn’t want to walk much. He only gets up for me when I come to the door. Everyone else doesn’t really get his attention.  Has anyone else seen their animals suffer through this?

Friends - have a wonderful weekend. Love Limboland.

Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8740
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2019, 04:11:24 AM »
I think all MLCer behave like narcissists tbh...I see it as more of a trait scale than narcissism as a PD which is a bit more of a consistent pattern. Covert narcissism is a factor too for some. So, yes, looking at it as a set of behaviour rather than a diagnostic label is  quite useful with MLC behaviour. Takes a bit of time and distance probably to decide with hindsight if they were high on the narcisstic scale beforehand.

Either way, right now, all you can respond to is the behaviour you see now isn't it? If it changes, you can adapt accordingly. Not at all surprised he didn't sign the paperwork bc he is only prioritising himself still of course....could be just he couldn't be bothered, could be trying to keep you on the metaphorical porch as a plan b...don't suppose why matters much practically speaking to you. Is there anything you can do to chase or enforce it, Limbo?

Louis the cat...who was my h's cat...prowled round the house calling for my h for about 3 months. He even went off his food for a little while. It was heartbreaking. My h of course was as indifferent about him as he was about me, having adored him for years. But then it was as if he transferred his attention to me, as if he knew I was sad, and he followed me round like a comforting little black and white ghost. He would often sleep near my head and pat my face when I cried....tbh looking after him bc he was an elderly diabetic cat kept me getting up in the morning for quite a while. He died 18 months ago but I think he hung on to see me through the worst of it all.  :)
« Last Edit: September 20, 2019, 04:13:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9338
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2019, 04:29:04 AM »
Limbo,

Starting right around ABD, my dog was my shadow when I was in the house... She even started sleeping under my bed rather than in her own bed (she still does this now occasionally but not as often).... She was my sidekick on my midnight rambles where I'd be out walking because I couldn't sleep and she absolutely loved that but she is MUCH younger than yours - she was just a 14 months old at the time.... She doesn't particularly care for xW anymore either... not like she'll growl orr anything but she just stays away from xW when xW comes to pick up/drop off the kids (for example)

xW's dog, on the other hand, greets me with his usual howl and full body wiggle when I am picking up the kids so that is also interesting to note... They say that dogs are able to sense if the person is a good person or not.... My dog definitely reacts to xW differently now than she did when we were still under the same roof...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #14 on: September 28, 2019, 03:26:29 AM »
Hi treasur and UM

I had to put one of my dogs down today. It was his time - he could barely walk and he would just urinate on himself as his back legs just gave in. He didn’t want to eat. He was in pain. I loved that dog so much. I was with him for his last breath telling him how much I loved him and thank you for been there for me. After his passing we went to a Buddhist temple. Prior to cremation they did a little ceremony and a Buddhist monk blessed my little boy’s soul. It was a lovely tribute for a great dog and I am so glad to be able to do that for him.

Treasur - my dogs helped me so much. Having that comfort there constantly, the beautiful cuddles and constant love. One of the reasons I stayed in this country is my dogs are too old to travel. I couldn’t live with myself if they died without me on a plane ride or some kennel. I am so glad your cat gave you the same love and comfort.

UM - definitely agree with you on dogs picking up on flawed characters. My girl dog who is still alive was my husband’s dog. Mlcer saw her a few weeks ago and she ignored him. She’s over him. Fortunately my daughter provides doggie with so much love,  as do I.

So I just thought I’d update. I promised my babies I’d be there for them. The only bright side from this is that I kept my promise. It was hard and I cried all the time. But I would never have abandoned them . My mlcer doesn’t know because he’s in treatment. He won’t really care unless he’s had some major breakthroughs in the facility.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2019, 09:03:19 AM »
I’m back limbo and attaching.

So awful to hear the changes in your MLCer but it’s great to see how positive you still are and whilst it halted the train it didn’t derail it.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2019, 07:59:38 PM »
Hey everyone

Sachat - I was wondering where you were as I couldn’t find any recent updates. I’ll look again. Hope you’re ok.

So just an update on my side. Mlcer got out of treatment on Wednesday. I received a text message Thursday  saying he was sad to hear about (our) my dog and hopes that we are coping ok and it must have been a hard decision for me.. He apologized for not signing the financial papers as he knew it caused me stress and anxiety, but didn’t have time to speak to his lawyer before he went in. Blah blah.Sounds like he’s following the 12 step program with his apologies though. At least he’s having some recognition of the pain he has caused. Doesn’t change much as it’s just words and he’s a lied to me constantly.

He hasn’t called me yet but he’s spoken to our daughter.

Ok just a brief update of the week. Regards limbo
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2019, 12:12:02 AM »
Limbo - I’m good made a new thread as opposed to updating as I just felt “new” I can’t explain it. I feel like pre MLC sacha!

Did he come out early or on time? I read all you updates in one hit you see so can’t tell timings. But it is good he is following the programme. I just hope it’s a forever following and not new novelty and something that will wear off.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2019, 02:42:08 AM »
Hey sachat I’ll read up on your latest news. Hope you’re ok and doing well.

I assume Mlcer completed the Program which is a good thing.  He can call me when he feels the need but I do feel he is catching up with his “ex”. He has feelings for her so he obviously will want to speak to her and he has no other friends in his city.  And perhaps going into treatment made him think his “woman” is the best thing for him...maybe they are the perfect match. Who knows.

Checking in and staying the three weeks shows that he recognises he has a problem. But with all these things it takes a long time to work through issues and to be honest the extreme nature of his mlc has made it pretty impossible to try to get back together again as he moved countries. I’m getting my career back on track so won’t move unless I have work. I definitely have become stronger and have changed....which is the whole point of this for us LBS. We have to change too. Sometimes life derails us because we were on the wrong track. I think I’m heading in the right direction....I’m getting my mojo back. Same as what you mentioned ....you feel like “new”.

Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2019, 08:12:57 AM »
Brief update... I still haven’t had a phone call from mlcer and I prefer not to contact. The lack of contact makes me feel he is seeking to get back with his woman as I would have thought he would want to make me feel secure when he came out of his 3 week treatment programme. He’s admitted he’s scared to be on his own.

Anyway the lawyers papers still have not come through from his side so I had to text him to ask for updated information. I just want the papers signed so I can feel some sense of security. He texts me saying how sorry he was  and how much anxiety it has caused me - then doesn’t ask his lawyer to sort everything straight away. Once again lots of words but no action.

He spoke to my daughter once last week and has had his weekly call this afternoon.  He really has no connection with us at all. What a major disappointment he is.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #20 on: October 14, 2019, 09:06:47 AM »
I can only imagine how annoying that is for you. But it sounds like the no contact side of things really helps you. However, he isn’t still able to make more of a effort with his daughter. That side of things is totally inexcusable.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #21 on: October 17, 2019, 10:17:52 AM »
Hi sachat

I don’t understand how he doesn’t contact his daughter...When he was in depression treatment he was calling twice a week. Now he’s out, it’s a call once a week. I’m sure it will go back to non existent as per previous times.

So it’s been two weeks since he got out of treatment and there have been no phone calls to me. There were 2 messages to say how sad he was about the dog dying and the 2nd apologising about been a prick and not signing the financial papers. Since then I have text him twice in regards to getting the financial papers signed.

I can’t help but feel he’s got back with his woman. I’m trying to get in contact with my intuition again. I think in mlc we are given signs but we think our mlcer would never stoop so low to do.... (u name It)....but they do. We dismiss what god/the universe is telling us. It would be so much easier for him to be with her as he gave up everything. He moved countries to be with her and he got caught cheating in front of everyone. We see time and time again - Mlcer says he/she wants to come back then after a period of time they go back to the other woman.

I’m concerned my mlcer is playing me like he did last year. At least I know now and am stronger than before. Ok signing off. Onwards and upwards friends!
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #22 on: October 18, 2019, 02:11:31 AM »
Hi limbo
I can only go off what I’ve seen on here and not RL antics for me as Clington has never said he wants to come home. However, I think your still very fresh into the journey so I would try and take anything he says with a pinch of salt. Maybe he is back with Ow or maybe he’s found Ow2. These MLCers do nothinf but run and run and run some more. So I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a form of Ow involved.

Stay strong darling. Your doing so good!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #23 on: October 18, 2019, 09:20:31 AM »
Sachet - My ex says he’s been depressed for five years....I knew he was depressed but I thought it was situational and once he found a new job he’d be fine. The first sign of anger was in December 2016 when he closed off from me for a week. In hindsight I can see the progression from denial to anger then replay. Is he still in replay? I’m not sure as he’s closed down after his treatment. I’m assuming he wouldn’t go into treatment if he was in replay. But he moved to a city where he knows one friend and his “ex”. I can see him just falling back into his old life with her. I actually don’t think he loves his daughter and I enough to try to make it work again. It breaks my heart to say it. Sachet - Your mlcer loves spending time with his children. Mine rarely bothers to call.


I’ve been thinking back about his involvement with our daughter and it’s been minimal since she was born. He’s only had one Christmas photo with her out of 3. He’s a vile father. He has been depressed the whole time since she was born so I don’t think he’s connected with her - hence he could walk out on a 2 year old.

Anyway my girlfriend and I are single mums so we are having a holiday together with the little ones. So lovely.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #24 on: October 18, 2019, 01:30:58 PM »
Limbo I know it’s not really a consolation to you right now but I always refer back to my own childhood. I never really knew my real dad. I just put it down to assuming “mum meets new man bans real dad from seeing kids” and no matter how much my mum never admitted it. I never believed her. Infact she never bad mouthed my real dad so I assumed (wrongly) that that meant she couldn’t bad mouth him because she was the one in the wrong. Then my brother joined the army and he got his birth certificate with my dads name in it. Long story short around 5 years ago I found him on Facebook and I messaged him. I have put more effort in with my next door neighbours pet gerbil than my dad has with me. Which shoes me everything I know now. It also strengthens my bond with my mum. She was w single mum to two kids and I may not get on with her all the time but I see it now. I love my step dad like he’s my dad because really he acts like it. When I’m upset he’s there. When I’m happy he’s there and tbh it’s actually no different to me than what I would imagine w real dad to be like. Your little girl may be loosing that bond with her dad but speaking from experience it won’t hinder her too much. She has you. And one day she may have w step dad. Even if she doesn’t she has your friends who will treat her like family. I know it’s sad but you will be just fine. As for him and Ow. LOL! I mean, nobody in their right mind would touch him. Which says it all!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #25 on: October 18, 2019, 08:00:44 PM »
Hey there

So I was bad and did a search of other woman on the internet and it came up with her listing her apartment for rent and available from next week. So unless she can’t afford the rent she is moving back in with the ex. He hasn’t spoken to me for two weeks since coming out of treatment so all the signs point to this. Oh well...the whatsapp picture before he went in made it very clear. I think his depression treatment was a way for him to deal with the guilt and lies. He wanted me to pull the plug on the marriage but he forgot my loyalty. I think he just loves this woman and has found his soul mate...plus he can’t be alone.

The fact he only speaks to his daughter once a week ..... he really wants to distance himself from us.

I called him but he didn’t answer of course. I’m not going to confront him. I’m going to ask him how he’s going and be caring.

I’m pushing for the final divorce.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #26 on: October 19, 2019, 12:03:14 AM »
Tbh limbo. I highly doubt he really loves his Ow. I think maybe she’s really over the top. Like mine is. With the “wow your amazing” “I love you” “your perfect” etc. And I think these MLCers love the feeling that giver them as opposed to loving that person. That’s my theory anyway. I wouldn’t necessarily say snooping was bad because it gave you information that can help you. But as long as you don’t focus on it too much. You should be okay. Focus on the matters in hand. Getting the divorce and working out how to move forward for your beautiful baby girl.

I’ve ever faith you will do the right thing darling.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2602
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #27 on: October 19, 2019, 03:09:21 AM »
Perhaps you should pass the number for her flat out down around the bad part of town...

Hopefully she will get a 'nice' lodger in no time.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline stillbaffled

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4500
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #28 on: October 19, 2019, 07:17:38 AM »

I think he just loves this woman and has found his soul mate...plus he can’t be alone.


In my case I have never believed my MLCer loved the ow, or that she was his soulmate.  BUT......I do firmly believe he can't be alone. 

Your MLCer having come out of depression treatment indicates that he has some serious issues to deal with right now. 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #29 on: October 19, 2019, 09:15:32 AM »
Hey sachat , still baffled and mortes..

I’ve gone through these thought patterns - that this girl was available at the right time and if it wasn’t her it would have been someone else. But then again I have these feelings that he  has connected with her on a deep level and will be together. This could be true love. They both have huge noses.😂😂😂

I could be nasty and send random texts from a fake account but That’s not my MO. I just say nose jokes!

Ex has serious problems as so I am just focusing on my family. He cares more about his mates daughters who are his god daughters rather than his own daughter. Can I ask a survey question. How many times does your mlcer call the kids per week? We average1 if lucky. He made 2 phone calls in 2 months once.

Awful and vile.



Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #30 on: October 20, 2019, 12:27:45 PM »
Well
Not that I would ever ever ever be that person that stopped the kids seeing their dad but I may be shortening the amount or days. Especially when it’s a working day as he will only see the kids for a hour or so and it seems to be more or a hinder.  But in a few weeks we are discussing so I’ll bring it up. And give longer another day when they don’t have school. Clington currently sees the kids every other day. If he’s working then it’s 6-6:30pm until around 8pm. Basically whenever he gets here from finishing work. If it’s a day he has off work he will have the kids all day. Set contact says are Tuesday Thursday Saturday and every other Sunday.

I think, one day he really will regret everything because time is very very precious and he won’t be able to get that back!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9338
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2019, 04:51:19 AM »
S12 stays with me about 50% of the time, maybe a bit more. D8 is a Mommy's-Girl and only stays with me every couple of weeks except on holidays or so but we are working on that. I at least get to see her when I pick up S12 from xW's place on the nights he's with me.

Having said that, xW initially "offered" that I could have the kids every 2nd weekend and just pay her. My counter-offer was that she could go pack sand and that I'd see her in court, it was going to be 50% or hot war because she was NOT going to take the kids away from me.  The resulting conversation was both laughable and pitiful because she went on how I hardly helped with the kids (until I reminded her WHO it was that got them up and out the door every single morning and took them to the Kindergarten, etc. which she then admitted it was true), how she was the one that had to deal with them when they weren't feeling good (until I pointed out how she would come swooping in, literally push me aside to take the kid out of my arms and blame it on her "mommy hormones - this is the same woman who didn't wake up in the night when one of the kids would be crying because she didn't hear them in her sleep whereas I was out of bed in a second - ??? which she then admitted was also true)
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #32 on: October 21, 2019, 07:39:47 AM »
Interesting sachat and UM - your mlcers really want to maintain contact with their children whilst mine moved countries. I suppose nothing is normal in mlcer land. My view is he has not bonded with her. No one who had a bond with their child would leave countries and live half way around the world. Anyway thanks for the feedback. Are there any other mlcers with young children - under 10 - who hardly contact their child? It’s seems quite unnatural but it’s the reality.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline New Day Rising

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 159
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #33 on: October 21, 2019, 08:03:12 AM »
I don't post often, but my kids are 10 and 3. My ex sees them on a Thursday after work and drops them home at about 7:30pm and then he has them every saturday. If he can get out of having them... he will... but new step-mum loves the control of it all. In the school holidays, he has them from Sunday evening to Wednesday when I finish work (ex and step-mum are teachers - it's how they met..True love right there).

Their relationship is based on lack of trust. She watches him like a hawk and calls all the shots. She is also over the top in her affections to ex and is part of the attraction. He laps it up. She's a drama teacher. He's an English teacher. They think they're Romeo and Juliet, but not a Shakespeare Theatre production - it's like the Christmas Panto version.

It's been almost 4 years since BD, and initially he would only see them 'when he wanted to'. I pushed for regular days/hours for him to see the kids and went to mediation as I was sick of hearing 'I should be able to see my kids whenever I want to', which equated to him calling round to the house for an hour after work and that didn't work for me.

He has only recently got the message after he sent me a message asking if he could call to the house and see the kids and walk the dog (dog was never his) and I firmly replied that our lives were completely and utterly separate now. It probably hasn't allowed me to 'pave the way', but I'm totally done being empathetic to that man.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2019, 08:04:48 AM by New Day Rising »

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9338
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #34 on: October 22, 2019, 05:11:11 AM »
OW is a drama teacher?



How... utterly ....  uhmmmm ... appropriate

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline New Day Rising

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 159
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #35 on: October 22, 2019, 05:20:44 AM »
Head of Drama. Special brownie points for being head of department in drama too, I think.

Hahaha. Oh my goodness. That made me laugh out loud in a very quiet office.

Yes, I should have known something was up when my ex took a serious interest in how good the school production of The Lion King was back in 2015. My face when he told me how good it was, was something like this.



And then I started laughing and was told not to laugh. Sorry sir. He has always hated musicals. Not anymore. He raves about La La Land, which he is currently in. I wish I was making this up, but I'm not.  ;D

« Last Edit: October 22, 2019, 05:26:26 AM by New Day Rising »

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #36 on: October 22, 2019, 09:18:40 AM »
Hey NDR
Your mlcer sounds similar to mine. It’s about the kid fitting in with them and when the mlcer wants to spend time.  I’ve set boundaries and he’s agreed but then he just forgets them - well chooses to forget.

I spoke to him on Saturday about some financial issues. He mentioned he will be where we live on Friday and would like to have a sleepover with our daughter. This might be ok if he lived an hour away but he has flown half way around the world and the only reason I found out was because I spoke to him. Either 1) he was hoping to avoid us completely or 2) he’s still so stuck in his own world. I thought of saying that we are busy but my friend said that is only harming my daughter.

I do have my radar up. He’s told me he’s not back with his woman but my sixth sense Is advising me. The fact he’s left this travel arrangement last minute and he doesn’t want to call or meet up says he’s told her he won’t meet me. ( I mean it’s very hard to lie if you are a cheater! 🤣🤣🤣)I  think in some way I’m looking forward to the divorce. I can’t trust him.

 I mentioned how OW has unblocked me on Facebook —- interesting...she did that just before they went on holidays and got engaged. After then she blocked me again. Now I’m unblocked. It’s probably the pregnancy announcement!

When we spoke he’s quite nice and understanding. His anger has gone towards me. But thats him trying to be nice so I can think of him as the nice guy. Even when he was holidaying with his woman but before I found out about the cheating - he was sending me happy snaps of his time away..... what a F=&& wit.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #37 on: October 22, 2019, 01:23:03 PM »
I mean I know I say it a lot on my own thread but I guess it applies to us all. You can’t make this sh!t up can you. I mean wow. I wouldn’t take what he says with anything tbf. I remember asking Clington when it went official with Ow would he please tell me. Let me prepare my own self and not see it online. He agreed he would. Guess what? He didn’t. He lied. Personally I would follow your gut. I don’t think it ever lets us down tbh.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9338
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #38 on: October 23, 2019, 03:38:02 AM »
I mean I know I say it a lot on my own thread but I guess it applies to us all. You can’t make this sh!t up can you. I mean wow. I wouldn’t take what he says with anything tbf. I remember asking Clington when it went official with Ow would he please tell me. Let me prepare my own self and not see it online. He agreed he would. Guess what? He didn’t. He lied. Personally I would follow your gut. I don’t think it ever lets us down tbh.

How can you tell when a Mid-Lifer is lying? Their lips are moving...

Rule of Thumb - 0% of what they say and about 50% of what they do until it is consistent is true
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline New Day Rising

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 159
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #39 on: October 23, 2019, 03:56:55 AM »
Hey NDR
Your mlcer sounds similar to mine. It’s about the kid fitting in with them and when the mlcer wants to spend time.  I’ve set boundaries and he’s agreed but then he just forgets them - well chooses to forget.

Yes, very true. They want it on their terms only. I am a little further along than you are, but it took me almost 3 years for him to get the message. Even after he was engaged to be married to OW, he still wanted to call to the house and see the kids and walk the dog, like playing happy families as if he's a toddler. I think the firmer you are with boundaries, the more annoyed they get, but the eventually get the message... well 3 years later.

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #40 on: October 23, 2019, 08:18:18 AM »
I mean I know I say it a lot on my own thread but I guess it applies to us all. You can’t make this sh!t up can you. I mean wow. I wouldn’t take what he says with anything tbf. I remember asking Clington when it went official with Ow would he please tell me. Let me prepare my own self and not see it online. He agreed he would. Guess what? He didn’t. He lied. Personally I would follow your gut. I don’t think it ever lets us down tbh.

How can you tell when a Mid-Lifer is lying? Their lips are moving...

Rule of Thumb - 0% of what they say and about 50% of what they do until it is consistent is true

Mlcer told me about 5 weeks ago - all he did was lie to me. I think he had a moment of clarity then has reverted to being a liar again.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #41 on: October 23, 2019, 08:23:52 AM »
Hey NDR
Your mlcer sounds similar to mine. It’s about the kid fitting in with them and when the mlcer wants to spend time.  I’ve set boundaries and he’s agreed but then he just forgets them - well chooses to forget.

Yes, very true. They want it on their terms only. I am a little further along than you are, but it took me almost 3 years for him to get the message. Even after he was engaged to be married to OW, he still wanted to call to the house and see the kids and walk the dog, like playing happy families as if he's a toddler. I think the firmer you are with boundaries, the more annoyed they get, but the eventually get the message... well 3 years later.

I have had the discussion with him before about boundaries and giving me forewarning of when he is coming to our country. I actually spoke to my lawyer today about sending him a letter stating standards of informing me about visitation. She advised not to push it until he has signed all the financial agreement forms,...then he’ll get the lawyers letters.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #42 on: October 29, 2019, 05:20:06 PM »
Hi friends
A brief update. Met mlcer last weekend and had a good chat about his time in treatment. He’s had a few realisations about his childhood - detached father and a mum who never once told him off. (So he’s a just a spoilt brat). There were unwritten rules never to speak up and rock the boat in his family. His father leaving the family for another woman was one of his first memories. However daddy came back. I think his mum was always worried he would leave again hence she created a calm and peaceful existence for her husband - no confrontation allowed and mlcer always had to be a good boy.

He’s still very self centred and can only think about his needs. He’s caught up with OW twice so she is still part of his life although he says it’s nothing romantic. (Mmmmmmm....)

He still never asks about our life. From what he said, one part of him is scared to know because he’s not part of our lives. Another part just puts us away in a little box and compartmentalises and the other part just doesn’t care.

I told him I wanted a divorce. He said he can understand if I want to move forward and get a divorce but he doesn’t want to make any major decisions right now.  We are getting financial settlement sorted now. However one of my boundaries is no contact with OW. He’s overstepped the mark so I do believe I have to get a divorce while she is on the scene as I feel he is just using us as a back up plan. I spoke to a different therapist the other day. I wanted a male perspective. He said the OW’s role (generally)is to always try and get the man back. She’s a manipulator(like he is)so I’m sure there is some pushing and pulling going on.

All I know is he’s messed up and there is a lot of work he has to do. He’s admitted that our marriage wasn’t bad and he finally admitted he was having an EA for a long time. Hallelujah! I had to explain what an EA was and he finally got it.

It’s confusing - in one breath he will say he didn’t love her but in another he said he’d probably do it again but wouldn’t lie to everyone. (The therapist said men often like to go and “explore” but that doesn’t mean they really want the other woman.  Mmmmmmm.....not sure about that. Maybe for men who have affairs but mlc is different) He told me he lied to me, his friends, family and his ho bag and went against all his values.

I see a man who is getting back at his father.  His father adores his only grandchild and I can’t help but feel mlcer is resentful he never got the love he gives our daughter. Mlcer is taking away the one thing his dad values so highly. He needs to speak to his parents and confront them in a controlled joint family counselling session. He’s a grown man, but a child and I don’t think he grew up. Anyway I think he needs to heal his relationship with them and his inner child before he can even think of healing us. However he doesn’t confront issues and he needs to.

So mlcer definitely has had realisations but still thinks of my daughter and I as obligations. He is still just focused on his needs only.

Just an update. Thank you.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Mortesbride

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2602
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #43 on: October 30, 2019, 03:19:49 AM »
I don't think any of them confront the issues they need to, that is the whole point of MLC after all.

Run, run, as fast as you can...can't catch me I'm the MLC man!
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8740
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #44 on: October 30, 2019, 04:13:26 AM »
Quote
told him I wanted a divorce. He said he can understand if I want to move forward and get a divorce but he doesn’t want to make any major decisions right now.  We are getting financial settlement sorted now.

All very self-focused script stuff from him, Limbo...but also movement of a sort. Who knows where that will take him or how long it will take of course.

Well done for not punching him on the nose when he said he doesn't want to make major decisions right now or pointing out that he already has or indeed that, newsflash, it isn't all about him.  ::) Can you get the legal and financial outcomes you want as things stand despite him not wanting to make big decisions or will you need to take a different route to get the stability you need?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 194
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #45 on: October 30, 2019, 07:50:54 AM »
Hi

Mortes
He actually told me that he is pulling away from calling his mother as he feels he called her too much...ummmm...so instead of sitting down with his mum and speaking to her about how he felt, he is running away AGAIN from confronting the issues head on. Yes it would be painful for him and her but it’s the only way to move forward. It drives me crazy that he can’t see what he’s doing.....

Treasur- I wanted to use my boxing skills when he said he doesn’t want to “make big decisions at the moment”. WOW...just WOW! I did have a chuckle to my parents when I spoke to them and told them what he said. Lots of things made me want to punch him, but I went in thinking I am just going to hear him out. I got into the habit of trying to speak to him and wanting more information then getting angry and upset. The treatment did help him but he’s admitted he has a long way to go. He said he’s not depressed anymore but he doesn’t have feelings. I suppose it’s the numbness. I feel like he’s had to suppress all his emotions for so long and now he just doesn’t know what he feels.

I think there has been some movement but I’m not sure where that will take him. At the moment there are lots of words but very little positive action from his side towards me and his daughter. He has given up alcohol and smoking.  I think he is really scared of his woman. He actually told me that she can be cruel. Cruel is a strong word...not nasty or a b!tc#..but cruel.

Once the financial settlement is through the courts, I am protected as it’s a legal document. This will take about five weeks from lodgement - it’s been lodged this week. We can get a divorce at the end of the year.  But I will be financially protected prior to divorce. He actually text me today, to say he’s sorry that his lawyer hasn’t sent through the confirmation of lodging the documents with the court.  Wow that’s an improvement...consideration of my feelings...

Thanks for your valuable feedback!

Regards limbo
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 999
  • Gender: Female
Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #46 on: October 30, 2019, 09:23:08 AM »
Hopefully he can continue to make positive movement towards his daughter too!
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.