Author Topic: My Story My daughter and I will get there!!!!  (Read 825 times)

Offline kalypso

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My Story Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #10 on: September 15, 2019, 01:54:10 PM »
Hello Limboland, I'm glad your H went to the programme, at the very least it can only improve him somewhat.
About him reffering to the OW as someone who he misses and values, and admitting that he didn't care when you were in hospital, it's making me angry and saddens me because he probably isn't ready/cooked yet. I was scared, terrified and devastated when I found out my H valued and appreciated his OW, when I found out about his affair he didn't give a s$it about me, he only cares about her since he left. So I totally relate to what you say. If one told me years ago that H woulnd't spend time with our D because he had to go sell his OW's car, I'd say they were nuts, but this is what happened!

Regarding detachment, for me his consistent actions did some good work. He hasn't cycled even once since he left, he never gave mixed messages, he totally ignores me. Plus on what would be our 26th anniversary in March I sent him a text and asked if he was happy with his life, and since I never got an explanation, I thought it would be good to get one our annivesrary date. So after much pushing (he wrote there isn't anything to say, I have explained it all, I don't have anything to answer), he said that he is happy where he is and it's over between us. That was the decisive factor/catalytic/crucial thing for me to start my detachment proccess, because until then he hadn't said a word to explain his actions or his decision to leave. So unconciously, after that, I changed. I would prefer not to see him ever again as he is now (impossible because of D) and though I still retain some hope for reconciliation, I don't see how it could ever work for me. And I am not influenced by his behaviour and actions anymore, I think of him and see him as a stranger. But in your case he has shown some positive signs, there has been some actions from his part, so it is totally understandable to feel confused and sucked in again. I may feel somehow detached from him, but for all I know, if I was in your position, I might have been throwing a party one day and then on the floor crying. So this cycling is very damaging, that's why detachment is important, but I at least was "lucky" that my H didn't falter even once.
So, for the sake of your D's and your own wellbeing, try to remain hopeful but not to have any expectations (the hardest thing, when you have some positive signs, but that's the only way to keep your sanity).

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2019, 03:51:27 AM »

Hey everyone

UM- i will wait with baited breath to watch dragon riders of Berk. I did look it up. We are watching fancy Nancy and pj mask atm. I miss peppa pig but she is over it. My mlcer is full of it but aren’t they all.

Kalypso- I don’t think mlcer is cooked but I think he has recognition that he is a void of nothingness. Nothing has worked to make him feel better so at least he has some self awareness and is trying treatment. Have many other mlcers gone into a treatment program?

Kalypso - Your mlcer just stays out of your life which is easier in many ways. As mine moved to another country I have found it easier to detach. I can’t imagine living close to one. It was awful when he lived nearby as I always had this constant hope dashed with anxiety that he would come to his senses and move back. Once I found out about other woman, the engagement and he moved I actually could work on my healing. I had to face reality. In fact it was a god send because I had to make choices in my life and it motivated me to challenge myself in so many ways. Before I was just a puppet to his emotions and behaviour. I am loving Wayne Dyer quotes which really help me. Every time I have that sinking feeling I read these three.
“How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.” “Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it's always your choice.”  “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Like you kalypso, I find the hardest thing to understand is how he could not want to be part of his young daughter’s  life and how he could hurt his own child.(although he doesn’t think he has)  The mind boggles. But he has prioritized this woman and his needs.

I know I shouldn’t have hope and as mentioned the WhatsApp picture,  although hurtful, was a godsend to remind me he is a prick. I’m reading a lot about narcissism. My Mlcer didn’t sign the papers to proceed to get financial settlement sorted before he went in. He said he would but unless his lawyer is taking his time then it’s because mlcer couldn’t be stuffed signing. he wants to control me and is playing games. Maybe my mlcer isn’t an mlcer but just a  narcissist. All his behavior indicates that he is a narc. Kalypso’s husband isn’t a narc because he just left and isn’t coming back and forth. (Or is that an incorrect assessment?)

My therapist asked whether my husband was narcissistic before all of this saga. I said he was selfish and spoilt but never narcissistic. maybe he was just happy to have me in his life as he got his own way most of the time and then when he found someone more exciting that could fuel his empty soul he left. I’m not sure......

Am reading this blog about narcissism and find mlcer to have a lot of the attributes. But once again is it the mlc or just him? Chicken or the egg.

https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/

Anyway so that’s where I’m at. A lot of self reflection about myself and my ego. I think I’m quite competitive. I’ve noticed that I don’t care as much what people think about me because I know I’m a good person with good ethics and values. I’ve been through the wars and kept my head held high so if people want to criticize me they can - I don’t care as much. I feel such a huge connection with all people as we all suffer. My heart bleeds sometimes because of the suffering but then it enables me to know that suffering is a part of life.

Does anyone have animals who have become very stressed through this mlc situation?One of my dogs is very old but I feel he’s so stressed - he feels my pain. He misses his dad and we’ve moved three times in 18 months. I think he’s holding on to protect me so I sat with him and told him if he needs to go he can..... he’s not in pain but he’s tired. He doesn’t want to walk much. He only gets up for me when I come to the door. Everyone else doesn’t really get his attention.  Has anyone else seen their animals suffer through this?

Friends - have a wonderful weekend. Love Limboland.

Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Online Treasur

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2019, 04:11:24 AM »
I think all MLCer behave like narcissists tbh...I see it as more of a trait scale than narcissism as a PD which is a bit more of a consistent pattern. Covert narcissism is a factor too for some. So, yes, looking at it as a set of behaviour rather than a diagnostic label is  quite useful with MLC behaviour. Takes a bit of time and distance probably to decide with hindsight if they were high on the narcisstic scale beforehand.

Either way, right now, all you can respond to is the behaviour you see now isn't it? If it changes, you can adapt accordingly. Not at all surprised he didn't sign the paperwork bc he is only prioritising himself still of course....could be just he couldn't be bothered, could be trying to keep you on the metaphorical porch as a plan b...don't suppose why matters much practically speaking to you. Is there anything you can do to chase or enforce it, Limbo?

Louis the cat...who was my h's cat...prowled round the house calling for my h for about 3 months. He even went off his food for a little while. It was heartbreaking. My h of course was as indifferent about him as he was about me, having adored him for years. But then it was as if he transferred his attention to me, as if he knew I was sad, and he followed me round like a comforting little black and white ghost. He would often sleep near my head and pat my face when I cried....tbh looking after him bc he was an elderly diabetic cat kept me getting up in the morning for quite a while. He died 18 months ago but I think he hung on to see me through the worst of it all.  :)
« Last Edit: September 20, 2019, 04:13:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2019, 04:29:04 AM »
Limbo,

Starting right around ABD, my dog was my shadow when I was in the house... She even started sleeping under my bed rather than in her own bed (she still does this now occasionally but not as often).... She was my sidekick on my midnight rambles where I'd be out walking because I couldn't sleep and she absolutely loved that but she is MUCH younger than yours - she was just a 14 months old at the time.... She doesn't particularly care for xW anymore either... not like she'll growl orr anything but she just stays away from xW when xW comes to pick up/drop off the kids (for example)

xW's dog, on the other hand, greets me with his usual howl and full body wiggle when I am picking up the kids so that is also interesting to note... They say that dogs are able to sense if the person is a good person or not.... My dog definitely reacts to xW differently now than she did when we were still under the same roof...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #14 on: September 28, 2019, 03:26:29 AM »
Hi treasur and UM

I had to put one of my dogs down today. It was his time - he could barely walk and he would just urinate on himself as his back legs just gave in. He didn’t want to eat. He was in pain. I loved that dog so much. I was with him for his last breath telling him how much I loved him and thank you for been there for me. After his passing we went to a Buddhist temple. Prior to cremation they did a little ceremony and a Buddhist monk blessed my little boy’s soul. It was a lovely tribute for a great dog and I am so glad to be able to do that for him.

Treasur - my dogs helped me so much. Having that comfort there constantly, the beautiful cuddles and constant love. One of the reasons I stayed in this country is my dogs are too old to travel. I couldn’t live with myself if they died without me on a plane ride or some kennel. I am so glad your cat gave you the same love and comfort.

UM - definitely agree with you on dogs picking up on flawed characters. My girl dog who is still alive was my husband’s dog. Mlcer saw her a few weeks ago and she ignored him. She’s over him. Fortunately my daughter provides doggie with so much love,  as do I.

So I just thought I’d update. I promised my babies I’d be there for them. The only bright side from this is that I kept my promise. It was hard and I cried all the time. But I would never have abandoned them . My mlcer doesn’t know because he’s in treatment. He won’t really care unless he’s had some major breakthroughs in the facility.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #15 on: October 04, 2019, 09:03:19 AM »
I’m back limbo and attaching.

So awful to hear the changes in your MLCer but it’s great to see how positive you still are and whilst it halted the train it didn’t derail it.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #16 on: October 04, 2019, 07:59:38 PM »
Hey everyone

Sachat - I was wondering where you were as I couldn’t find any recent updates. I’ll look again. Hope you’re ok.

So just an update on my side. Mlcer got out of treatment on Wednesday. I received a text message Thursday  saying he was sad to hear about (our) my dog and hopes that we are coping ok and it must have been a hard decision for me.. He apologized for not signing the financial papers as he knew it caused me stress and anxiety, but didn’t have time to speak to his lawyer before he went in. Blah blah.Sounds like he’s following the 12 step program with his apologies though. At least he’s having some recognition of the pain he has caused. Doesn’t change much as it’s just words and he’s a lied to me constantly.

He hasn’t called me yet but he’s spoken to our daughter.

Ok just a brief update of the week. Regards limbo
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline sachat3

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2019, 12:12:02 AM »
Limbo - I’m good made a new thread as opposed to updating as I just felt “new” I can’t explain it. I feel like pre MLC sacha!

Did he come out early or on time? I read all you updates in one hit you see so can’t tell timings. But it is good he is following the programme. I just hope it’s a forever following and not new novelty and something that will wear off.
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #18 on: October 05, 2019, 02:42:08 AM »
Hey sachat I’ll read up on your latest news. Hope you’re ok and doing well.

I assume Mlcer completed the Program which is a good thing.  He can call me when he feels the need but I do feel he is catching up with his “ex”. He has feelings for her so he obviously will want to speak to her and he has no other friends in his city.  And perhaps going into treatment made him think his “woman” is the best thing for him...maybe they are the perfect match. Who knows.

Checking in and staying the three weeks shows that he recognises he has a problem. But with all these things it takes a long time to work through issues and to be honest the extreme nature of his mlc has made it pretty impossible to try to get back together again as he moved countries. I’m getting my career back on track so won’t move unless I have work. I definitely have become stronger and have changed....which is the whole point of this for us LBS. We have to change too. Sometimes life derails us because we were on the wrong track. I think I’m heading in the right direction....I’m getting my mojo back. Same as what you mentioned ....you feel like “new”.

Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Limboland2018Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Reply #19 on: October 14, 2019, 08:12:57 AM »
Brief update... I still haven’t had a phone call from mlcer and I prefer not to contact. The lack of contact makes me feel he is seeking to get back with his woman as I would have thought he would want to make me feel secure when he came out of his 3 week treatment programme. He’s admitted he’s scared to be on his own.

Anyway the lawyers papers still have not come through from his side so I had to text him to ask for updated information. I just want the papers signed so I can feel some sense of security. He texts me saying how sorry he was  and how much anxiety it has caused me - then doesn’t ask his lawyer to sort everything straight away. Once again lots of words but no action.

He spoke to my daughter once last week and has had his weekly call this afternoon.  He really has no connection with us at all. What a major disappointment he is.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

 

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