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Author Topic: My Story My daughter and I will get there!!!!

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My Story Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#40: October 23, 2019, 08:18:18 AM
I mean I know I say it a lot on my own thread but I guess it applies to us all. You can’t make this sh!t up can you. I mean wow. I wouldn’t take what he says with anything tbf. I remember asking Clington when it went official with Ow would he please tell me. Let me prepare my own self and not see it online. He agreed he would. Guess what? He didn’t. He lied. Personally I would follow your gut. I don’t think it ever lets us down tbh.

How can you tell when a Mid-Lifer is lying? Their lips are moving...

Rule of Thumb - 0% of what they say and about 50% of what they do until it is consistent is true

Mlcer told me about 5 weeks ago - all he did was lie to me. I think he had a moment of clarity then has reverted to being a liar again.
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#41: October 23, 2019, 08:23:52 AM
Hey NDR
Your mlcer sounds similar to mine. It’s about the kid fitting in with them and when the mlcer wants to spend time.  I’ve set boundaries and he’s agreed but then he just forgets them - well chooses to forget.

Yes, very true. They want it on their terms only. I am a little further along than you are, but it took me almost 3 years for him to get the message. Even after he was engaged to be married to OW, he still wanted to call to the house and see the kids and walk the dog, like playing happy families as if he's a toddler. I think the firmer you are with boundaries, the more annoyed they get, but the eventually get the message... well 3 years later.

I have had the discussion with him before about boundaries and giving me forewarning of when he is coming to our country. I actually spoke to my lawyer today about sending him a letter stating standards of informing me about visitation. She advised not to push it until he has signed all the financial agreement forms,...then he’ll get the lawyers letters.
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#42: October 29, 2019, 05:20:06 PM
Hi friends
A brief update. Met mlcer last weekend and had a good chat about his time in treatment. He’s had a few realisations about his childhood - detached father and a mum who never once told him off. (So he’s a just a spoilt brat). There were unwritten rules never to speak up and rock the boat in his family. His father leaving the family for another woman was one of his first memories. However daddy came back. I think his mum was always worried he would leave again hence she created a calm and peaceful existence for her husband - no confrontation allowed and mlcer always had to be a good boy.

He’s still very self centred and can only think about his needs. He’s caught up with OW twice so she is still part of his life although he says it’s nothing romantic. (Mmmmmmm....)

He still never asks about our life. From what he said, one part of him is scared to know because he’s not part of our lives. Another part just puts us away in a little box and compartmentalises and the other part just doesn’t care.

I told him I wanted a divorce. He said he can understand if I want to move forward and get a divorce but he doesn’t want to make any major decisions right now.  We are getting financial settlement sorted now. However one of my boundaries is no contact with OW. He’s overstepped the mark so I do believe I have to get a divorce while she is on the scene as I feel he is just using us as a back up plan. I spoke to a different therapist the other day. I wanted a male perspective. He said the OW’s role (generally)is to always try and get the man back. She’s a manipulator(like he is)so I’m sure there is some pushing and pulling going on.

All I know is he’s messed up and there is a lot of work he has to do. He’s admitted that our marriage wasn’t bad and he finally admitted he was having an EA for a long time. Hallelujah! I had to explain what an EA was and he finally got it.

It’s confusing - in one breath he will say he didn’t love her but in another he said he’d probably do it again but wouldn’t lie to everyone. (The therapist said men often like to go and “explore” but that doesn’t mean they really want the other woman.  Mmmmmmm.....not sure about that. Maybe for men who have affairs but mlc is different) He told me he lied to me, his friends, family and his ho bag and went against all his values.

I see a man who is getting back at his father.  His father adores his only grandchild and I can’t help but feel mlcer is resentful he never got the love he gives our daughter. Mlcer is taking away the one thing his dad values so highly. He needs to speak to his parents and confront them in a controlled joint family counselling session. He’s a grown man, but a child and I don’t think he grew up. Anyway I think he needs to heal his relationship with them and his inner child before he can even think of healing us. However he doesn’t confront issues and he needs to.

So mlcer definitely has had realisations but still thinks of my daughter and I as obligations. He is still just focused on his needs only.

Just an update. Thank you.
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#43: October 30, 2019, 03:19:49 AM
I don't think any of them confront the issues they need to, that is the whole point of MLC after all.

Run, run, as fast as you can...can't catch me I'm the MLC man!
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You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#44: October 30, 2019, 04:13:26 AM
Quote
told him I wanted a divorce. He said he can understand if I want to move forward and get a divorce but he doesn’t want to make any major decisions right now.  We are getting financial settlement sorted now.

All very self-focused script stuff from him, Limbo...but also movement of a sort. Who knows where that will take him or how long it will take of course.

Well done for not punching him on the nose when he said he doesn't want to make major decisions right now or pointing out that he already has or indeed that, newsflash, it isn't all about him.  ::) Can you get the legal and financial outcomes you want as things stand despite him not wanting to make big decisions or will you need to take a different route to get the stability you need?
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#45: October 30, 2019, 07:50:54 AM
Hi

Mortes
He actually told me that he is pulling away from calling his mother as he feels he called her too much...ummmm...so instead of sitting down with his mum and speaking to her about how he felt, he is running away AGAIN from confronting the issues head on. Yes it would be painful for him and her but it’s the only way to move forward. It drives me crazy that he can’t see what he’s doing.....

Treasur- I wanted to use my boxing skills when he said he doesn’t want to “make big decisions at the moment”. WOW...just WOW! I did have a chuckle to my parents when I spoke to them and told them what he said. Lots of things made me want to punch him, but I went in thinking I am just going to hear him out. I got into the habit of trying to speak to him and wanting more information then getting angry and upset. The treatment did help him but he’s admitted he has a long way to go. He said he’s not depressed anymore but he doesn’t have feelings. I suppose it’s the numbness. I feel like he’s had to suppress all his emotions for so long and now he just doesn’t know what he feels.

I think there has been some movement but I’m not sure where that will take him. At the moment there are lots of words but very little positive action from his side towards me and his daughter. He has given up alcohol and smoking.  I think he is really scared of his woman. He actually told me that she can be cruel. Cruel is a strong word...not nasty or a b!tc#..but cruel.

Once the financial settlement is through the courts, I am protected as it’s a legal document. This will take about five weeks from lodgement - it’s been lodged this week. We can get a divorce at the end of the year.  But I will be financially protected prior to divorce. He actually text me today, to say he’s sorry that his lawyer hasn’t sent through the confirmation of lodging the documents with the court.  Wow that’s an improvement...consideration of my feelings...

Thanks for your valuable feedback!

Regards limbo
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

s
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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#46: October 30, 2019, 09:23:08 AM
Hopefully he can continue to make positive movement towards his daughter too!
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Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#47: November 14, 2019, 06:04:52 PM
Hi friends

Just journaling ...I really enjoy reading back on my posts as I can see the roller coaster ride I’ve had but also the progress in my detachment.

I think I’m heading towards the home stretch in releasing him. Although I am so pissed off with my lawyer, all the documents for financial settlement have been signed but my lawyer has gone on an overseas trip for a week so can’t lodge them. She didn’t tell me prior. So another delay in securing my financial future. This is farcical. I’m putting through divorce proceedings in December. He may not want to make “big decisions” atm but I’m having to divorce to be free. I want to take control. He only what’s me as back up.

He is making no effort in reconnecting or trying to solve his problems head on. He can’t speak to me about anything. He still hasn’t spoken to his brother in about 3 years. He’s pulling back from his mum. He hasn’t spoken to his daughter in 2 weeks. He really is a shameful and disgusting pig. He’s returning to his old ways and I wouldn’t be surprised if he his back on the booze and seeing his ho bag. He lies constantly.

I get effected by contact with him so no contact or very limited is my mantra. There is no benefit for me to speak with him. As he said “ it’s still all about him and his happiness”.  What I say or do does not matter.

I think he lied while he was in treatment.... at the end of his stay he said one lady came up to him and said “he (mlcer) has restored his faith in men????” What the hell. I don’t understand what lies he was saying but I think he forgot to mention what he did to his daughter and I.
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#48: November 14, 2019, 08:22:01 PM
Question - if your mlcer wasn’t pushing for divorce and you had financial security would YOU push for the divorce anyway?

I feel in my heart he is stalling - not because he is thinking of working to be back together - but to control me and to have a back up plan if it doesn’t work out with his ho bag. He is making no effort at all with me. Also he will have to sell the family home to give me my money and I don’t think he wants the hassle.

For me it’s to take control back of my life.  He’s played all the shots for 2 years.

I feel he thinks I’m waiting for him regardless of how he treats me.
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#49: November 15, 2019, 01:28:22 AM
I probably wouldn't have done, but I susoect that would have been an unwise choice for me so with hindsight I am grateful that it wasn't how my situation played out. There was no value to the 'appearance' of a marriage for me that was not outweighed by the disadvantages of Limbo, much as I valued the m I had and the h I loved...bc the truth was both were dead in the water regardless of what I wanted or felt. Jmo and my situation.

It sounds as if the real question for you though is about more control over your own life and that there are financial repercussions? Are you waiting, Limbo? What do you really feel you want now? They stall for lots of reasons imho...sometimes about back up plans, sometimes about avoiding ow plans, sometimes about money, sometimes just not wanting to deal with adult stuff and reality.....I susoect we LBS avoid things for different reasons too at different times. And I think we all go through a time when we try to figure what they are thinking in order to figure out what we should do don't we? Until it gets too exhausting or too damaging or too pointless.

What will you and your daughter lose or gain? Focus on that bc that is in your control. It certainly sounds as if your h is still running and throwing magic spaghetti at the wall so not much to work with there. And limited contact sounds sensible if only to keep spaghetti splats off your face lol.  If you can live well and control your own future well regardless of the legal stuff, as some Standing LBS here have been able to do, then it may not matter so much. If not, then MLC trumps divorce and it does not prevent a better healthier relationship with him, or he with your daughter, if he is ever healthy enough again to show up as a decent adult and prospective partner. We can only live in the reality and grace of the present after all even if we know that things can change in unpredictable ways...
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« Last Edit: November 15, 2019, 01:42:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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