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Author Topic: My Story My daughter and I will get there!!!!

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My Story Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#80: February 09, 2020, 10:38:58 PM
Ex is InTown for work so has our daughter for the night. He bought me face masks, hand sanitizer and a lovely bottle of Chardonnay. He is good for some things.

So I had a lovely child free afternoon at my meditation session, then pizza, wine and film - all on my own. No child demanding time of me. So nice.  I might go and have my own mlc and bugger off. It’s nice not worrying about anyone else except your own needs for awhile.

I read a few different sites offering advice on cheaters. This site believes in mlc, chumplady makes no excuses for cheating. It’s funny how we can view things in our lives when we see things through different lenses. Ex text me to ask whether I would like to come to breakfast with him and our little girl tomorrow. On chumplady everyone would say he’s manipulating you...giving kibbles because he feels I’m pulling away and saw I’m on a dating site. Here it’s viewed as a possible sign of coming out of the tunnel (as other things are occurring).

Part of me loves the idea of getting my old life back. But the reality of living with someone who committed such morally bankrupt and evil actions.... well I’m not sure I can and to be honest I am not sure it is on the cards anymore.

Ex says he just tries to live in the moment because he has so much shame and regret thinking of the past and he gets anxious about the future. He’s back smoking again and asked me if I have any Xanax so I don’t know what he’s up to. His lady is still on the scene but he doesn’t want to be with her. Once again he’s just using someone to fulfil a need in him because he is lonely. I feel lonely a lot but don’t use people. He lies still . He lied a month ago about going away and I think he lies about how much he catches up with his ex fiancé. He said she’s really angry that he is leaving and moving to a new country.

Update....well I had breakfast with daughter and ex. i ate a lot. It was good to chat and he opened up and I told him I’d like to tell him how I feel with a therapist in the room. He said yes but maybe later. We went to a book shop and passed by the Apple store and he bought me some cordless ear phones. Buying things is his love language.

I am so confused. I feel myself getting drawn back to the person who he was before. But I can’t help but feel he wants to manipulate me to have me as his friend. I don’t need to be his friend. I’m scared of him moving to back to our part of the world, using me as a back up plan/safety net then finding someone else. Every time I leave him after a visit I get angry and feel empty.

Sometimes it’s easier when they are just been arseholes as you can move on.
  • Logged
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#81: February 10, 2020, 07:43:27 AM
Limbo.. I know many people here are not fond of Chump Lady. I haven't read her site but I have read comments here about the general gist of the approach.. I know that when I started my journey, I wasn't ready to read anything like what Chump Lady would say. I needed the hope to get me through day after day.. Once I got stronger, I started to feel that the hope was keeping me in bargaining stage.. I started to see his actions as something he needed to be held accountable for rather than using MLC to excuse the inexcusable. I looked at the real facts, I assessed his actions and behaviors for what they were and I quickly realized that I was no longer in love with the person he became and I didn't want him back. I also accepted that the person he is right now might be the person he will be until the day he dies.. At that point I was ready to move on..

So bringing it back to your story..
- He's still in avoidance "living in the moment", he doesn't want to face what he did.
- He still has OW around (him saying he doesn't want to be with her is hardly credible, is it? Why doesn't he end the relationship once and for all?)
- He's looking for ways escape (Xanax?)
- He said he didn't want to divorce but doesn't really explain why or say it's because he wants to work in the relationship.. 
- He bought you a few presents... Ok. Personally I wouldn't read too much into that until he shows a clear intent...

This site also talks about the MLCer wanting the LBS sitting in the porch crocheting dollies waiting for their return (Right, UM?  ;) )... so the idea of them manipulating us to keep us stuck is not unheard of in HS.. You are best placed to know if this is what's going on or if he is, in fact, coming out... Judging by your timeline, I would say it's too soon but then again, everyone is different.
The other question I asked myself before I decided to move on was "Am I prepared to put in the effort that needs to be put in to building a new relationship with the person who treated me so badly?" The answer changed over time off course but when I got to a loud NO in my head, I knew there was no turning back...

Having said all this, if my H ever wants to talk to me and explain himself, I will give him that chance but I honestly think it would not change how I feel. The past cannot be changed.
  • Logged
H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

s
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Re: My daughter and I will get there!!!!
#82: February 10, 2020, 02:36:04 PM
Hey Limbo
I think only you know weather he is manipulating you as you know the old him and the new him best. I know I could write something in here about Clington and it wouldn’t come across the right way. So only you will know. All I will say is go with you gut. My gut has never let me down and I doubt yours would either.
  • Logged
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D6 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017
Moved in with Ow - November 2019
Ow met children - December 2019

 

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