Author Topic: My Story 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year  (Read 4145 times)

Offline Sam I Am

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My Story Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #10 on: September 12, 2019, 10:51:44 AM »
attaching!  Enjoy Tuscany!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Mortesbride

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2019, 02:02:54 AM »
Brief break from packing to catch up with everyone. Cya soon. ^_^
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2019, 02:36:29 AM »
You set a boundary. He broke the boundary.

Now, what are the consequences for him breaking the boundary and how will they be enforced?
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2019, 11:34:43 AM »
Attaching. Have an amazing trip!!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online MillyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2019, 12:18:36 PM »
UM, I get what you're saying: I'm enforcing boundaries, what am I doing about him breaking them? Hmmmm, I've got a ways to go with that. So, I want to call him on stuff he does, but not in a way that he feels backed into a corner. I know how that would go, we've been there before: he starts shouting, I get mad, one of the two stops communication, H goes back into the tunnel more convinced than ever. It's really hard to enforce a boundary and not get trailed into a fight. It's happening tonight.

So, after the wine fiasco, H emails last night that his car won't fit in my garage with the items of furniture I said I needed (where I store my linens, etc. for my rental). He writes provocative (bully) messages like: Are you sure you need that stuff? I email back that yes, I need it and no, there isn't anywhere else I can put it. Then I say, Is there any reason we can't be whatsapping? This communicating by email is really annoying.'

So tonight, he whatsaps. I think the last time was a couple of years ago. His messages are still provocative:  Are you sure you can't store it somewhere else?  Then he gets pissy.
H: Do you really think my car can fit in your garage with all that stuff?
Me: I have no idea. I see others have cars in the garage and some furniture.
H: your garage is probably smaller. It's only for a short time, can I just take the stuff away for now?
Me: No, I need it.
H: Well then that's a no to me using your garage then isn't it?
H: You say you want to help, but you really don't.
Me: I don't really know how to answer that last message.
Me: Have you measured the garage?
H: No, but I can just tell by looking.
Me: I suggest you measure it then. And please use a nice tone of voice.

It's been an hour, no answer yet.



Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline heroIam

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2019, 01:17:12 PM »
Attaching milly.

I just shake my head at it all like I have for 5 years!
See you soon!
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Treasur

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2019, 04:11:22 PM »
I'd be tempted to say 'oh dear, looks like the garage option won't work for you then'.
No further work required by you, no shouting needed, no drama, no more thefts, not your problem... ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline forthetrees

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #17 on: September 13, 2019, 05:07:17 PM »
The odd piece is that he assumes you already knew the dimensions of the garage and the car and were making a pseudo nice gesture. The other piece is that he´s pissy at you but he is the one who caused the car going into default on the loan. So, you´re supposed to fix his problems and not make any comment or facial gesture that implies he brought this upon himself. If OW is so wonderful, why hasn´t she figured out how to get him out of this mess? Seems that your original offer was to help him out if it did not inconvenience you. Sadly, it would, so he´s SOL.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline terra

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #18 on: September 13, 2019, 10:01:06 PM »
Attaching, Milly.

Are you leaving tomorrow? If so, what if you just tell him “It’s ok for you to find another solution. Will talk to you after I get back.”

Then close the door on it and just love your time and peace and experiences in Tuscany.

I also think it’s ok to be frank and tell him no on using the garage at all. Or only under your supervision. If he balks at that or gives you the sad/mad/astonished rubbish about “You don’t trust me”... the answer to that is “Yes, that is true. I don’t trust you.” And walk away from any further discussion about it, because you already know it will just be weird MLC wrangling and an unproductive use of your good and valuable time.

Any way you slice it though, you aren’t obliged to do him any favors. And if you choose not to do the favors, guess what! That’s a reasonable and legitimate consequence of him having treated you poorly. It’s not petty or punishment. It’s one way to show that you’ve meant it, about your stated boundaries.

I hope you just LOVE Tuscany. Enjoy!

« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 10:03:07 PM by terra »

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #19 on: September 14, 2019, 07:10:46 PM »
I agree with the others, if he doesn't like it and expects you to jump through hoops to accommodate a cheating liar, then tell him he's welcome to find somewhere else to store his car.

He already knows you don't really want to help him (his words) ;D ;D

Consequences, consequences.........
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

 

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