Author Topic: My Story 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year  (Read 3929 times)

Offline One day at a time

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My Story Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #20 on: September 15, 2019, 01:38:43 PM »
Enjoy your Tuscany trip Milly!! I so wish I could be there with all of you..

As for your H, he really has a cheek, doesn't he? After everything he has done, he's pissy because his car would not fit in your garage? The sense of entitlement is infuriating! Yep, he's welcome to find another option  ::)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #21 on: September 16, 2019, 03:38:00 AM »
UM, I get what you're saying: I'm enforcing boundaries, what am I doing about him breaking them? Hmmmm, I've got a ways to go with that.

And out comes the 2x4.... Sorry Milly but you are STATING a boundary... you are NOT enforcing them... Enforcing means employing consequences if the boundary is broken.... And that is what is currently missing in this scenario...

So, I want to call him on stuff he does, but not in a way that he feels backed into a corner. I know how that would go, we've been there before: he starts shouting, I get mad, one of the two stops communication, H goes back into the tunnel more convinced than ever. It's really hard to enforce a boundary and not get trailed into a fight. It's happening tonight.

Consequences are unpleasant for the most part, both for the person levying them and the person who has to accept them by dint of their own behaviour.. It is called "being held accountable.". However, they are an integral part of ensuring that the boundaries that are set out are followed... Otherwise, the boundary is useless and the violator has the confirmation that the Boundary setter was not serious or does not need to be respected...

So, after the wine fiasco, H emails last night that his car won't fit in my garage with the items of furniture I said I needed (where I store my linens, etc. for my rental).


He writes provocative (bully) messages like: Are you sure you need that stuff? I email back that yes, I need it and no, there isn't anywhere else I can put it. Then I say, Is there any reason we can't be whatsapping? This communicating by email is really annoying.'

So tonight, he whatsaps. I think the last time was a couple of years ago. His messages are still provocative:  Are you sure you can't store it somewhere else?  Then he gets pissy.
H: Do you really think my car can fit in your garage with all that stuff?
Me: I have no idea. I see others have cars in the garage and some furniture.
H: your garage is probably smaller. It's only for a short time, can I just take the stuff away for now?
Me: No, I need it.
H: Well then that's a no to me using your garage then isn't it?
H: You say you want to help, but you really don't.
Me: I don't really know how to answer that last message.
Me: Have you measured the garage?
H: No, but I can just tell by looking.
Me: I suggest you measure it then. And please use a nice tone of voice.

Then he is welcome to find a different solution that fits his car. It is NOT your job to rescue him or to fix the problem he has created by getting his car impounded... He is, again, falling back to the "Blame Milly for my problem" schema..... He has effectively created a problem for himself because of his actions. He is expecting you to fall all over yourself to provide him a solution and, when it is NOT the solution that HE wants, he is getting pissy and being a bully... Gee... Imagine my surprise.... Next thing you know, he'll be filing a lawsuit claiming that you are responsible for covering the costs of whatever needs to be done to get his car out of hock... OH! WAIT! He's already done that in a round-about way with the impending threat of the Quarter Million Euros lawsuit........

I really hope that your Tuscany trip is fun and that you can get away from H's MLC Madness for a while..... You deserve a break... and H deserves a 2x4 to the back of the head...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Online Dumbfounded

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #22 on: September 16, 2019, 10:39:36 AM »
What UM said.  It is your house and your things... you are not ever responsible to put yourself at a disadvantage to fix someone else's problems. That is NOT self -care. 

 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #23 on: September 24, 2019, 05:01:59 AM »
Hope you are having an amazing time in Tuscany!
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline MillyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #24 on: September 28, 2019, 03:29:34 AM »
Hello everyone, it's a week since the Tuscany trip ended and I thought I'd check in.

As others who were on the trip have said, there was truly something extremely soothing about being around others like me. I don't just mean others who know exactly what I'm going through, who don't judge me still loving an often cruel H, but being with people like me as people.

There were 9 of us, so maybe easier to see the pattern when there's more to compare it with. We were all kind, embracing, helpful, the first to jump up and fetch the water, the first to clean up, the first to run and do whatever was needed. We listened to each other, offered support, advice if it seemed wanted, gave each other space in a way you can do only when you really know someone.

At 5+ years since BD, I was the one who was in this crap the longest. What I came out of the experience with was a sense that I am further ahead in my own journey than I had thought. Seeing the others at other stages, I saw myself when at that point. This is a comfort to me because it implies that I will eventually reach a very good place if what we are told is right.

What I saw was that I am in a very accepting place now. I saw my IC this week and told her. She asked if I was in an accepting place of resigned place. I realized that I am in a resigned place, quite a different place but nonetheless, a more peaceful one than before so I will take it gladly.

How I think I came to this place I imagine is a combination of time and having tried everything I could think of to get my H back and make myself happy until there was no point repeating stuff that got me nothing. I am now resigned to the fact of what's happened, the destruction of our family, the destruction of our hard worked for finances, the changes that I might not have a companion again in my life. And as melancholy as what I'm saying might seem, it's actually a much more preferable place for me. It's a bit like giving up but giving up the pointless stuff, which to be honest, used up so much energy.

Back to the Tuscany trip and what I got out of it. There was a lot of MLC talk. I'm sure we all wondered if that is all we'd talk about and would we want that. The reality is that there was a lot of talk because we needed it. Imagine an opportunity to speak to people who really get it for days until you got it all out of your system? Then we talk about so many other things, too, because we visited towns, ate out at fun places, had so much gelato, people bought special souvenirs, we sure had plenty of other stuff to talk about.

What I realized by the end of the trip was that all of the people there with me were truly lovely. Not one of the people on the trip would have been unbearable to live with. In fact, everyone would have been a wonderful person to spend your life with. We were awesome.  By being able to compare myself to the others, it build my confidence in myself. I realized I really was as good a wife as the wives who still have their Hs. I came away feeling much more confident about myself and what I brought to the marriage. I think the trip helped me take one more giant step forward on my healing journey.

In normal life. I had a very busy week of work, which is how I like it. S was supposed to come back last night for the weekend but he was playing a tournament and winning so he had a match last night. He lost the semifinal but won 3rd place and was given a coup. It was an international adult tournament so he was thrilled. His first little success since he went up to the academy. He is on his way down to Florence right now. H will pick him up at the station and take him for lunch then drop him home. He will go back up tomorrow afternoon. S told me he will bring his big tennis bag stuffed with his dirty laundry for me to do. So not all those big tennis bags have rackets in them, you know!

So, last Saturday, end of Tuscany trip, Anon spent the night with me in my little pink fridge house because she had an early flight out the next morning. H was using D22's car (my only car at the moment) and had to come pick us up. H had been looking after my doggie while I was away. First time since BD. We'd asked him several times over the years but he'd always said no.

So Anon got to see my MLCer (so did a couple of others) in the flesh. My impression of how he was that day: in replay. He was dressed like a bad MLCer, was texting openly on his phone in front of me even though I have told him not to, he drove aggressively, spoke like he was on cocaine. He talked a lot to Anon because he'd ridden his bike to her part of the world when he was young. I think H was obviously curious of where I'd been and with whom. He asked masked questions about how many people were on the trip and from where. I could tell he was very nervous when he first arrived but relaxed more as we drove.

Anon and I had a lovely afternoon and evening together. We sat outside at my little house and had salad and coffee, chatted of course, then had a little dinner in my old village.

This past week, I've been communicating regularly with my H about  stuff like my garage and S. We now communicate by whatsap. He answers all my texts pretty quickly and when he doesn't, he apologizes for not having answered sooner. He is much more polite about my garage, says he wants to make sure that I have everything I need and where I want it. He has not yet brought his car. H even called me this morning because I asked him to bring something back. This is the first phone call in years. He was very friendly on the phone and called me by my name.

There has definitely been a great improvement in our communication since the beginning of August. This makes life much easier for me. It would be nice if it meant good stuff, but even just being able to communicate about S or anything in real time makes things so much less stressful so I am grateful for this.

H's oldest sister is coming to town with one of her sons in a couple of weeks and she has contacted me to see if I would meet them for dinner one of the nights. I'm pleased about this. I haven't seen her since BD. I had a strained relationship the last years before BD. She was the family bully and really made it obvious the last two years before BD that she thought I was a problem and that her brother would be better without me. I think she only made things worse. She's difficult, superior, bossy but I am curious to see how she is now. She has sent me a Christmas card every year since BD, addressing it to Mrs. Milly's H. I liked that.

I am going to tidy my house up now for S's arrival. I have bought him his coke.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #25 on: September 28, 2019, 03:45:07 AM »
I got to say I was very curious how that drive went!

He seemed terribly shocked at the giant bags of wine bottles!  ;D ;D

He probably imagined something akin to the likes of Beast's ''Cult'' title.

Oh well, let him sweat.  8)

I agree with everything you said though. Not one person there would have been difficult to live with. In fact I think I even commented about how nice it was to be with you know...actual caring adults.  ::)

It was certainly nice to feel like you are with people cut from the same cloth so to speak. A rarity these days.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anon

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #26 on: September 28, 2019, 12:22:19 PM »
Ah Milly,,, yes,,your MLC h is still in replay.  It was my first and almost instant thought I had.   We LBS’s can spot a replayer in a second from a mile away, can’t we.  ::).  It was an interesting drive for sure as I haven’t conversed with any other MLCers.   The similarities between your h and mine are striking.

I am in Tuscany withdrawal - missing it so much and pining for the connection with the tribe.  I’m currently distracted now as I am visiting a close friend in the US.   She is a spin class addict and well,,I’m not,,so I have a bit of time to read and post since she has gone to a spin class. 

My last day in Tuscany with you in your village was wonderful and I’m glad I was able to see the pink fridge!  In case anyone wondered- it’s real, the pink fridge is real 🙂
 



Offline No expectations

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #27 on: September 28, 2019, 02:00:00 PM »
Hi Milly! I've been away so long, but am so glad to hear how well you're doing!  I wish I could have been in Tuscany  with all of you, it sounds divine.

You've come so far. You're so much more sure of yourself and not worrying about what h thinks.  I wish I could give you a great big hug! 
Married 11 1/2 years, together 18.  BD 9/2016, 2nd BD 10/16.  H moved out 10/16.  2 AS's from my first M.  Me 55, H 50. OW 23.  Moved back 4/18.  Reconnecting and working on our M.

"And once the storm is over, you won't remember how you made it through; how you managed to survive.  You won't even be sure if the storm is really over.  But one thing is certain; when you come out of the storm, you won't be the same person that walked in...that's what this storm is all about."

"The trick is to enjoy life.  Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones."

Offline MillyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #28 on: September 29, 2019, 02:07:14 AM »
Thank you guys for following and posting.

Morte, caring adults is the right term for people like us. Given the choice these MLCers have: caring W/psycho OW, it really tells you that if someone prefers to live with a psycho, and tells you that you were the reason the marriage had to brake up as in my case, then my H is probably psycho too right now. 

Anon hope you are having fun on with your friend. Loved you pink fridge comment!

NoE, so lovely to see you pop back on HS and on my thread! Thank you for your words of support. As my H becomes more comfortable communicating with me I hear your words in my head about not frightening the squirrel.

It’s a sunny Sunday morning here and I’m sitting watching my S play tennis with one of his old friends. I’m so enjoying this. I have my travel mug filled with yummy coffee and I’m spending time with my adorable S.

He has been so sweet since he arrived. I have noticed that he has matured since he has been away. The tennis champion is very strict. He will not allow the kids to get away with anything. They need to be up early and have all their gear prepared. S said the first week they would all forget to pack something but the champion would get so mad that now they all prepare their stuff the night before. Cell phone time is limited to 30 minutes 3 times a day. They are not allowed to eat any junk food at all. Swearing will get you into huge trouble. I’m very pleased about this. My S was lacking an authority figure since BD. I think this will do him a world of good.

H picked up S from the station yesterday and took him for mcdonalds then dropped him home. S says H was fairly quiet but dressed the bad MLCer. S says H is very interested in his tennis now and asked lots of questions. H also told S that he has been talking to me. S said we were going out to dinner last night to celebrate my birthday next week. S couldn’t remember which day of the week it landed on but H said ‘Tuesday.’ He knew.

Church bells are ringing. Game is starting, going to enjoy this.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #29 on: September 29, 2019, 08:22:23 AM »
Milly - so glad you are having a great day watching S and spending time with him.   I agree with you....the structured and disciplined way he has to live in right now is good for him.  I often think that many of the students I work with would benefit from a year or two of serving in the military. 

I would sure love to see the pink fridge!  It sounds like you all had a great time in Tuscany.  I hope another trip will be in the works in the future.  It would sure be fun to have a huge national THS convention somewhere wouldn't it? 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

 

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