Author Topic: My Story 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year  (Read 4117 times)

Offline Treasur

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My Story Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #80 on: October 14, 2019, 01:44:11 AM »
Milly, if it helps PTSD is a whole different kind of beast...like comparing a wolf to a dog  ;)...but it does sound like anxiety and maybe some other feelings mixed in.

I don't know the answer to this but maybe other standers here do.

What it looks like is that a little info leads to a chain of assumptions. And most of those assumptions are about what feels bad to you? It sounds as if standing bc you want your h back involves seeing or looking for 'evidence' that this is more or less likely to happen? Hence the anxiety? What sil says or might think or unseen conversations that might have taken place. What your h is or isn't doing in London and what that means or doesn't. Is there a difference between what you think and what are facts you know?

Not getting into the rights or wrongs of standing, or even your situation tbh, but that kind of 'checking' sounds quite hard as a way of living with the uncertainty? Is there a way for you to unhook HOW you stand (assuming you still choose to do that) from the checking or the assumptions? I'm conscious for instance that you seem to have found a way to do so in the equally difficult situation with your oldest daughter? Just a thought...but I'm not a stander so others here might be able to help more from their own experience.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #81 on: October 14, 2019, 03:20:48 AM »
Milly, the horrible feelings will go away soon.  Any contact with those around the MLCer is certain to bring up old feelings of hurt.

If it helps, each time it happens, it seems to get easier, you will only see this in hindsight.  It's as if we are tested each time to see how far we have come.

There is no way it is 'all roses' with the ow, it never is and never will be.  They are totally delusional.  Take yourself over to Shock's Sis thread or read Denjef's in my signature.  It may help.

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Maleficent

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #82 on: October 14, 2019, 05:57:09 AM »
Milly, I am sorry about how you are feeling. I hope that nothing horrible happens. I understand how you feel after spending time with your inlaws. I do see them more than you, so not sure it is better or worse. A month ago while with my inlaws, I had to contact h.  My SIL was surprised by his curt and barely civil reply. She looked at me sadly and said she was sorry and did not understand why he was like this. She and I have a neutrality agreement of sorts, but I felt the same way as you wrote this weekend. For days. MIL mentioned something he was doing in passing last night and I thought why is she doing this to me.  So, I have no words of wisdom, but I understand your internal reaction. I see my inlaws more frequently, so it is like a million little knives rather than a dagger of pain.

We have to rescue ourselves again and again. You can do it.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline MillyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #83 on: October 22, 2019, 11:47:28 AM »
Thank you Treasur, Savvy, and Male for your comfort and advice, and sorry I haven't had time to reply sooner. I guess it's everything you all said.

Male, I'm sorry you have to face your in laws often. I used to be envious of people who still had contact with theirs, but now I don't know. Little knives is exactly what it's like. It's nice to be in close contact with someone connected to my H, but the anxiety was not worth it to me.

Treasur, I know you're right in that I'm making an assumption and running with it, and it's masochistic in a way. I'm ok now because I've been distracted by other stuff, but at the time it was hard. I understand that PTSD is something very different and much more intense, thanks for pointing that out.

Savvy, it did pass as you said.

I have been away in London the past few days. It was a business trip to do a wine fair but I took a couple of extra days on each side to be with D22. I actually stayed with her in her student room, sharing a bed as we've often done before. It was really lovely being with her. I also went out for a fabulous lunch with Nerissa. We couldn't stop talking. It's bizarre how close I can get to someone I've just got to know. I feel very safe with an LBS.

I got back last night really late. My H took care of my dog (our old family dog) while I was away. I asked him if he could to save me money since I'm paying for S15's expenses at his tennis academy. H agreed. I also offered him the use of my car if he drove me to and from the airport. He said ok. But this was a few weeks prior to my departure.

I wrote about it already on my thread so sorry for repeating myself, but I'm going to be doing another fair in Milan next week and want to go see S15 as he's close by. I asked H if he would take care of doggie again, but he said he was going to be away next weekend, presumably to London - OW town. I was annoyed at that. Of course it happens  all the time, but most of the time, I'm not aware of it.

By the day I was due to leave for London, I could tell H had retreated into the tunnel. I could tell from his answers: 'yes' 'ok' that he was probably regretting having to help me. I was, too. So on the day I'm leaving, he's supposed to drive me to the train station to catch the train to the airport. H asked if I could take the train and I had said ok as this airport is far. But when I went to pick him up to drive me (he has no car) to the station, he said I should take the bus to the station to take the train to the airport. I said no way was I going to the station by bus. I also had a big suitcase. After he huffed and puffed and threatened to get out of the car and not look after my dog after all, he said ok, let's go to the airport.

I was driving. I knew it was weird when he didn't drive. It's as if he wanted to be as far away as possible from doing something for me. I didn't start any conversations at all, just drove in silence. Slowly, he started making conversation with me. First he brought up wines, as he usually does. We spoke for quite a while about some local wines and grapes. Then he asked me a little about D22 and where she lived, her courses, etc. I only answered questions politely but didn't encourage any of the conversations. He asked me what I was going to do about my old car and I said I was going to repair it. He said that was a waste of money and I should just buy a new one. I said that I just can't face dealing with it, that as he knew, I couldn't do the numbers. He said, 'I know you can't.' He said it in a gentle way, the way you do when you acknowledge something you are both aware of. He then proceeded to give me advice on how to choose a car payment and what to expect and how to go about it. This was actually quite helpful for me.

By the time we got to the airport, his demeanor had changed. He was friendly and smiling. I was coming back on the last flight last night, landing at 11.30pm. He asked me about my return flight a few times, I'd already given them to him 3 times. He said what are we going to do? I suppose he meant about getting him back to his house afterwards. I said 'I don't know.' He said, 'well ok.' I had no intention of taking him back to his house afterwards especially since I specifically asked him if it was ok for me to book these flights. After he dropped me at the airport, he phoned me twice on his way home. Nothing much, just how to open the gas tank and did I leave him the house key, but in the past he would not have phoned for this stuff, he would have texted.

Anyway, the morning after, he texts me about doggie and her ears. We share a few messages, then I hear no more from him. I can feel the retreat again. The day I'm returning, I send him my flight details and get him to confirm he's coming. He says 'ok.' 

He waits outside in my car and he has doggie with him. I've very happy to see my dog and he lets me hug and kiss her while he puts my suitcase in the trunk. He tells me he will drive. I think he's ok so I ask if doggie's ears were ok. H barely answers, I know he's in a mood. I then try to say something about how warm it is in Italy compared to London but he wasn't interested. I told him I spoke to the academic coordinator (actual schooling) at the academy and how S15 will be doing 2 years in one and could catch up. H barely answered, so I shut up.

We get on the freeway to go around Florence and he gets off at the stop before mine. I say where are you going? He says, you have to drive me home. That will add over an hour to my ride home. I said 'No, I'm too tired, please take me home and then bring the car back tomorrow.' Well this sets him off. He says how he hasn't got an hour to waste the next day coming back and forward bla bla bla...... I told him ok, my misunderstanding, I thought I was being helpful but that I wouldn't let him use the car in the future if it was going to make my life harder. He gets all pissy, Replay mini-monstery about how hard it was to look after the dog, that she doesn't just sit there, that it's like looking after a toddler, in fact, it's more like having a puppy, and how he couldn't leave her in his house because she wrecked it and even when he took her out, she was crazy, and that it wasn't easy you know......

I just shut up, let him go on and on about how the dog (6.5 year old, female, Cocker Spaniel) needs training, that I need to give her 'just a little training as to 'heal' and to come back......I just let him rant away. I couldn't help thinking how not normal he sounded. He went on about my little car, which is D22's little old banger, and said it guzzled gas and was it a sport's car? Wish I could do the little eyes up emoji. You should see this car, it looks like it's had an operation and has been hand stitched back together again. It's one of the smallest cars on the market. I mean 'sport's car?' 

So I sat completely quiet for 30 minutes as he drove towards our old village, which he lives 15 minutes beyond and up a hill from. When we reached the intersection that went in one direction to our old village, and the opposite to my house, he said, 'I guess I can take you home and bring the car back tomorrow.' I said, 'but then you'll have to come back,' he said it was ok.

As we drove to my house, his mood changed again. He started making light conversation, tried to be funny. Asked if I was working the next day (today), I said I had a tasting at 2.

When we got to my house, he drove right up to my door and unloaded my stuff right into my house. He was cheery and touched me as we exchanged the car keys. This is something he would do a lot the first year after BD. I would always tell where his head was if he would touch my hand as we exchanged stuff, or if he did everything he could to avoid touching me. I was not expecting him to touch me last night, so I was touched (physically). When I opened the house door he needed the keys back for the car and put his hands out for me to put them in his palm but I was a little upset about the car behaviour and I just set them on the table for him to pick up himself. We settled on a time for him to come today, 12.30.

It was an incredibly beautiful day here today. I'm going to say it was 25-26 degrees C. I was boiled after London. I was ready by 12.30 and was doing some work on my computer when he arrived. He drove right up to my house again and knocked on my glass door and waited for me to come down. I took doggie out who made a big fuss of him. H looked around my (overgrown) garden while I got my shoes on.

I told him my tasting got cancelled and did he want to go to my garage and check out the space for his car. He said ok. I talked a little about S15 and his wins lately. H asked me what ranking S15 is. It's really weird for a father of a ranked child to have no clue whatsoever how ranking works. He listened with interest as I taught him. I mentioned D25 coming to visit in about 3 weeks but his face tightened. I let the subject go. When we got to my garage, he was weird again. Went around saying I should remove this or that. I said I wasn't removing anything. That this was my storage space and I wanted to keep everything. He said that I should throw away stuff, that it will make me feel better. I told him that when I moved out of the family house/winery, I threw away a ton of stuff and I wanted to keep all of the stuff in my garage. That kind of annoyed him. We left and started driving to his house.

I was quiet and left it up to him to talk or not. He brought up some old friends of ours. One of their sons got married a couple of years ago and H went to the wedding in my place. H told me that the bride's parents were such a happily married couple (our age). How lovely it was to see old married couples look at each other with such love. Hmmm, eye up emoji. H then asked me if it was true that some old friends of ours had split up. I said yes. He said that was so sad. He asked why. I said it was a long time coming, that they'd tried therapy for years (he gasped), and in the end she wanted to go ahead. H couldn't believe that it was the wife who wanted to split up. There was no infidelity and the couple are still friends and good parents to their one child.

H told me about our old friends' three sons and what they are up to work wise and girlfriends wise. It was a nice conversation. I can't help thinking that it's not a conversation he could have with OW because she doesn't know these people. Maybe H would tell her about them but I doubt it, I think she would consider them 'Milly' people and would therefore not be interested.

When we got closer to H's house, he asked me about my trip up to Milan this coming weekend and where was I staying. I told him I was staying with an old friend that he knows, too. He said why don't you leave Saturday instead of Sunday and spend 2 days with S? I said I had the problem of the dog and would have to spend money on an extra night of kennel. H said 'I'll take care of her.' I said 'I thought you were going away.' He said, 'well I might not go away after all.'

H got out of the car and said that I could bring my doggie to him and he would look after her. I asked if he was sure. He said yes, that he likes looking after her, that she's really sweet, and he even likes going out and about with her.

I thought I would journal this for future reference. Whatever happens, I think it's interesting to see how they yo-yo. So, looks like H is not going away after all, and he's going to give me free doggie care. This is good for me.

My impressions from having spent a little time with my semi-vanisher/off and oner is that he is still going through his crisis. I think he's moving in and out of the tunnel continuously. When he talks he still sounds like something is wrong with him. I mean, he doesn't sound like a 58 year old man, he's too confused about simple stuff. Their brains really are messed up. It's as if he can't understand basic things.

My impression is also that anger is still around. It's close to the surface and gets triggered easily, but compared to before, he's able to block it and turn it around to a positive quickly. Previously, during his crisis, I mean a few years before BD even, when he got angry it could last for days, even weeks. If he got angry at all, it would only escalate, it never ever ended easily. So I'm seeing a small improvement in his capacity to realize he's getting angry and stop it.

I thought I would share these thoughts.




 
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #84 on: October 22, 2019, 12:04:08 PM »
Last Wednesday I was not feeling the best...

Beast came to bring the kids home from contact...and was asking me directions to somewhere.

I said:
''At the end of the street take a left...go all the way to the roundabout and take a right....then at the 2nd big round about take a left....''

It seemed very clear to me what I was saying. He asked me 3 times in a row...I repeated the same instructions to him three times...trying to figure out an easier way to say ''Left, roundabout, right, roundabout, left''.

By the 4th time he asked me I audibly sighed...then he decided to monster and scream at me that I was an ass-hole.  :o

Because it is my fault his brain can't understand simple directions.  ::)

They are just completely scrambled up there.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Anon

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #85 on: October 22, 2019, 12:05:24 PM »
Good grief Milly - that is quite the update.   Your h is all over the place isn't he?  And isn't that weird that he was going to be out of town and then he wasn't?  Do you think he cancelled his plans to be out of town or did he lie about those plans in the first place?  Either way,, he's quite the confused mess.   If this erratic 'all over the place' behavior is different than the last few years, do you think he is coming close to the end of the tunnel where they get super confused again, just like in the early days when entering the tunnel?   I wouldn't be surprised given the time he has been in MLC.  Very interesting though.  Quickly cycling moods - shut down one minute and chatty the next.   Your head must be spinning.   How do you think he will be with you after you get back from Milan?

Offline Anon

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #86 on: October 22, 2019, 12:12:33 PM »
Last Wednesday I was not feeling the best...

By the 4th time he asked me I audibly sighed...then he decided to monster and scream at me that I was an ass-hole.  :o

Because it is my fault his brain can't understand simple directions.  ::)

Morte,,, He may not understand the directions but I think even more... he senses your recent shift and your obvious movement away from him.   He knows he is about to be left behind, or already has been left behind.  That could be why he called you an ass-hole. 

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #87 on: October 22, 2019, 12:45:38 PM »
Dear Lord Milly I am dizzy from that whole encounter. Just the flip flopping on how he feels about the doggie is enough to make you crazy.  I wonder if that is how they flip flip on how they feel about us and OWs? 

Just look at poor Beast asking an A$$h0!e for assistance. 

We should lock Beast, the Pumpkin King and Mr. Milly in a room with a problem to solve and watch their progress on camera from a room filled with comfy chairs,  snacks and wine. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Acorn

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #88 on: October 22, 2019, 02:25:35 PM »
Here is another person who is feeling rather dizzy after reading all that emotional see-saw. 
You really can’t make this stuff up.  Written out like that, you know you are dealing with emotionally out of whack person, AKA MLCer.  You did good by zipping.  The person that benefitted most from silence was you, of course! 

Added later:

I used to think zipping was good for our relationship above all else.
In hindsight, it was good for me.  It was a gift I gave myself without even realizing. 
It gave me a sense of achievement because I could control my tongue. I saved myself unnecessary heartache that I might have suffered had I engaged my H with words.  I did it for our R but, it turns out, it was for me.  Just sayin’.
« Last Edit: October 22, 2019, 03:06:26 PM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline MillyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #89 on: October 22, 2019, 03:13:46 PM »
Morte, that's exactly what it's like. They can't hold onto information, or can't add up sentences. It's as if they are on drugs or slightly asleep.

Anon, I don't know if he changed his mind about going to London, or if he never was leaving in the first place. We LBSs do reach the same reasonings, don't we? Either or, he's changed his mind about helping me this weekend. I have no idea how he will be when I return from Milan. He could be exactly as he is now, yo-yo or who knows? It's fascinating actually at this point. This is new behaviour as far as I'm concerned so I am curious.

DF, interesting point you make: do they flip flop about us and OW this way too? It's quite possible. Maybe not while they are deep in the tunnel, but at the beginning and end of Replay as we've been told it can happen. If this is what's happening, it will be interesting to journal it and see how it presents. And your last sentence made me laugh. Wouldn't it be fun to watch these guys from soft chairs, snacks, and wine. Love that!

Acorn, thanks for saying I did well to zip. I do feel a little proud of myself for this. I don't think in the past I would have been able to keep my mouth closed after a while. What I learned from zipping was that it diffused the situation. Not only did my H calm himself down, he turned around and did what I had wanted in the first place, and I didn't do a thing to make it happen.

One more thing that I just remembered about this afternoon, while I was in the car with H driving, there were a series of phone 'pings' - message alerts going off like a semi-automatic rifle: ping, pi-pi-ping, ping, ping, ping.......I thought it was my phone, which was at my feet in my handbag. I checked it because it was such a flurry of messages, it sounded very urgent. It wasn't my phone. H ignored his. This is quite significant to me because last Thursday, as I drove to the airport with H in the passenger seat, he not only checked his phone continuously, he answered several texts in front of me. He knows this is a 'no no' for me.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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