Author Topic: My Story 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year  (Read 623 times)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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My Story 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« on: September 11, 2019, 10:12:09 AM »
Welcome to my new thread. Wasting no time as there was an interesting discussion going on about our inner child and how some of us LBSs feel as if our life with our spouse's was fake, or something to that effect.

Quick recap-update:
Since BD, I have moved twice. In November it will be a year in this little hayloft the kids and I call home now. It is the perfect place for us.

I work for the new owner of my old winery, plus I do some translation work for my friend/estate agent, plus I have my little flat up and going on Air B&B, which I do myself.

My kids are getting older, My D25 has finished her masters and is working in the US. She is coming back for a visit in November. My D22 just graduated and will be leaving to do her masters in London in a week. My S15 has been accepted into a tennis academy in the North of Italy. I miss him but this is his dream.

This Saturday I'm going to be joining the others on the Tuscany trip. This will be my only holiday this summer as I've been earning for my kids, so I'm really, really looking forward to it!

What's changed in me this 2019, is that in January I told myself I was in denial about H returning. H went away to London for Christmas to be with OW. The first Christmas together, and in her country. I forced myself to be more aware that the chances of him coming home were very very small. It helped me detach to a certain extent.

Then in February, H charged up my D25's credit card and didn't have the money to cover it. He asked me to lend him the money, I said no. I ended up covering it anyway as my D25 asked me for help. This ended up with D25 cutting me off for a few months.

A couple of months later, H admitted to S that the credit card mess and the fact that D25 wasn't talking to me was all his fault. H had some nostalgic moments with S whilst walking around Florence, told S about places we would go on dates.

Since then, the judge finalized my H's separation case, and now H and I are legally separated. After a month, H requested a D.

Soon after, H said he would grant me a D (hadn't asked for one), if  I took away the wage garnishing order I have and refuse alimony for myself. If not, he threatened to sue me for €250,000 for money he spent while at our old property while he lived there. I said no.

Very clear that H is in big financial difficulty, presently car less and moves around on a bike.

Other noticeable changes in my H this 2019: Had lunch with S at tennis school in front of everyone, and stayed to watch S playing for the first time in 4 years, even though he knew I was coming to watch too. Had a few touch and goes, stealing glances at me, offered to mow my lawn twice, took a shower in my house, paid back small debts he owed me, stayed in my house with S while I went away for a weekend (hadn't slept in my home since before BD), re-connected with my cousin in Rome, whom he knows I'm very close to, sending her and my aunt his love, agreed to give more maintenance on top of the garnished wages so that S could go to the tennis academy, came to help me when I hurt my back and held me gently and kindly. He has withdrawn a little since then.

I asked H to watch doggie for a few days while I'm on the Tuscany trip. He has agreed to do it at his house. He is going to use my garage to store his impounded car until he sorts his fines. We have been in contact about that today since he went into my garage without forewarning me and I just happened to find out when I went in there to look for something at lunch time.

I laid out a strong boundary that he needs to inform me before he goes. That he can't remove anything without asking me first. That he can't make a mess because I need to be able to find my stuff. This caused an exchange of 10 emails. His emails got better grammatically and softer as they went on. I'm still on email only communication.

H is still with OW although she hasn't been around here much. We can tell because when she comes, he has to rent a car.








Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11008.150
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2019, 01:27:30 PM »
Attaching.... Don't want to miss the Tuscany reports
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Online Evermore

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #2 on: September 11, 2019, 02:24:09 PM »
Following along Milly. Very envious of Tuscany trip and looking forward to reports!
M: 49
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #3 on: September 11, 2019, 06:36:40 PM »
Wish I was going to Tuscany.. sigh.  Following along . Sounds like you have mastered "boundary" makin!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #4 on: September 11, 2019, 06:45:13 PM »
So ow doesn't ride bike with him, Milly?!?   ;)

Have a great trip! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #5 on: September 12, 2019, 09:08:02 AM »
Attaching milly xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #6 on: September 12, 2019, 09:11:17 AM »
On the rare occasion my h contacts me I can either get teenage text speak or if he is annoyed at me which seems to be all 99% of the time I get very formal texts with words a professional or lawyer would use. He must look them up on the internet! He plans his formal texts very carefully I think. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #7 on: September 12, 2019, 10:06:31 AM »
Attaching Milly!  Have fun in Tuscany!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #8 on: September 12, 2019, 10:30:19 AM »
Hello everyone and thank you for attaching.

So I thought I had laid out strong boundaries about my garage. This morning I went back to my garage with my D22 to look for the documents I really need.

I like to welcome the guests in my little apartment with a bottle of white wine. I leave it in the fridge so it's lovely and cold for them to open right away upon arrival. So for this purpose, I keep a few bottles in my garage. Yesterday, when I went to the garage by myself, I noticed that I was out of wine. I keep in in a old wood cupboard, in it's cardboard wine box of 6. Now I knew I was getting low, but didn't think I'd ran out because I would make sure to top it up. Also, I noticed that the cardboard box was gone, too. I wouldn't do that. I keep it there to support the wine. But I convinced myself that I had finished the wine, and maybe the cleaner lady who helps me at times, had thrown the box out.

So today I arrived at the garage with D22 with a bottle to leave for the coming week while I'm away. Except, suddenly, the box was there and there were 2 bottles in it. Sound like a fairy tale? That's because it's the MLC fairy tale. So I email H and say: I see you brought the white wine back. What about the red?'  Now, I wasn't sure he'd taken any red but since it's sitting there in a pile and it did look smaller, there was a chance he had. Then I wrote: 'I asked you to inform me before going to the garage. I need total transparency. Do you agree?'

A couple of hours later, H emails, 'Yes, I brought back the white wine. I did not take the red!'  His grammar. So clearly he feels offended that I should accuse him of stealing....the red. Stealing the white is ok because he brought it back. I think he thought he could quickly sneak in and bring back the white wine before Mummy noticed.

H reminds me of my S these last couple of years when he would affirm he'd studied, checked his homework online, done it all! And the more I would question S, the stronger he made his claims, almost to intimidate me, guilt me for accusing him of lying. Well, we know how that went.

I have not answered H's last email.

Tomorrow I have a busy day. I have a tasting in the morning then I work from home, then I'm going to pack. Saturday is a big day.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: 5 years since BD: Me galloping forward. My H different this year
« Reply #9 on: September 12, 2019, 10:44:54 AM »
'Yes, I brought back the white wine. I did not take the red!'

OMG I just cannot! Yes, you are definitely dealing with a 12 year old MLCer there. Wow. And taking your wine. Ummm, no!

Well Milly, I think you DID lay down some good boundaries. But they are only as good as the person who is subject to them. And in this case, H clearly doesn't get it. I'm not sure what the answer is, other than bar him access to the garage. Of course, maybe now that you said something about it, he is on notice that you are aware of the wine-snatching. So maybe that will take care of the problem. I hope it does. Bad enough these people have lied and cheated. Now they are stealing too. Yay, does the fun never end?

Good news is, you have tenants in your rental. Go you.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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