[Buggy31]

Okay so I've become aware of some fears I have about Limanality.  My husband is so much the OPPOSITE of who he was that I can't imagine what it will be like once he faces all the things he's done.  It's like he's driving a bulldozer through his life and no one can stop him.  The best you can do is GET OUT OF THE WAY!   I don't spend loads of time worrying about this as I am slowly dimming the switch and detaching from his physical presence as he prepares to leave.  However, it's one of the reasons I believe I fell into enabling, cake eating and doormat behaviors myself.  All of which, I realize now, were present to a certain extent in the relationship prior to MLC.  In MLC they just became very  extreme and in my face.  ANy thoughts or stories about Limanility and a spouse's fears surrounding  this phase?


RCR Edited the title a little to add liminality and withdrawal.

[Rollercoasterider]

Jusat so I understand...
Are you saying you are afraid of Liminality or are afraid that your MLCer will never get there because of his avoidance?

The latter makes the most sense and is common, but since you said you are afraid of Liminality, I want to make sure I understand.

[Trustandlove]

If it is fear that spouse won't get there because of his fears; that is something that I think about as well.  That he will just continue to mask, run, or whatever.  Trying to detach from that. 

[Buggy31]

I guess I have fears about both and I think it's complicated because the stages are so intertwined but I fear suicide, which I'm sure is most likely to happen in Liminality.  He's been talking a lot about getting to a breaking point lately or a crucial point.   This is what I'm hearing.  I know this is a detachment issue for me and I believe his leaving will help me deal with this. It has become painful to look at him.  His face is just tortured and this is hard for me to watch.  Emotional sickness is frustratiing because there is nothing that can be done to help.  The avoidance issues don't scare me as much because I've been dealing with them for awhile and I see a deeper depression emerging although I know there is a chance of replay coming on strong when he leaves.  I'm prepared for issues with OW and I KNOW when that fails he'll hit rock bottom.  It's when he has to face all the foggy replay behavior and what that will look like.  Hope this makes sense.

[Synicca]

I have read everything I can get my eyes on about behaviours in Replay.

These are the steps in which my H has taken in the last month, behaviours and actions.

H has come out of the deep fog that kept him from doing much of anything including work.
Fighting almost on a daily basis with OW. Left her 2 times, then sent her back home to NY ( we live in Cali )
Last Thursday ( Mar 24th ), Stating he needed to get away from the drama, That it was affecting his job.
He knew that if she stayed here he would lose his job and lose everything!

But H also continues to have a R with OW. Now turning into a EA rather then a PA.

He has become more clear headed and has been to work everyday since she left. Has less stress
and smiles more and has enjoyed his time with his friends.

When H fights with OW now, He can still find himself in the "fog" but he says it doesn't stay as long
like it did when she was here.

He still questions whether to be with Me and save our marriage...says he is still confused about OW and is torn.
but tells everyone including our D13 that he will never bring her back...

I'm just curious....I know there is no set guidelines and everyone is different, But could he be closer to leaving
the tunnel and coming out of Replay now that OW is gone?

Did he send her away because he is realizing life isn't what he thought it was?

He knew he was literally 2 weeks from becoming homeless if he didn't do SOMETHING...

I just need some clarity in where he might be...I know he is not DEEP in Replay...but getting closer
to leaving....ugh

[limitless]

Syn,
Every situation is different - BUT
I'm sure you've read the articles....
REPLAY is the longest stage....
If it's been 1 year since BD, spouse is in Replay
1.5 years - Spouse is in Replay
2 years - Spouse could be in Replay or entering Depression

I believe that my H's R with OW ended soon after he walked out on me and the kids (almost 8 months ago), BD was May 2010.
I believe my H is STILL in Replay. 

I did the same things.  Read and read - hoping to find a hint that he was ending Replay and entering Depression and Withdrawal toward Acceptance.

Honestly, if it makes you feel better to do this - go ahead.  But, it really is a waste of your precious time.
I don't think you will really know the stages until they are over.

Hugs,

L

[Synicca]

LS,

well, I have read that once the OW/OM is out of the picture they leave Replay....So if your H left his OW
at BD...right? That's even more confusing....

I don't like to put a time limit on anything as I believe everyone is different...Just my opinion...so if we take
the "time limits" out....we have to look at behaviours and actions...


So, If my H sent his OW away, but still has a EA with her....seems to me he is trying to End it for good, therefor
come out of Replay...If replay is where they are foggy and depressed...then My H isn't like that as much anymore
compaired to say...Last month when he was sobbing every 5 minutes and couldn't get out of bed.

[justasking]

Synnica

Depression fluctuates throughout all the stages including replay.

Getting rid of the OW doesn't mean that he is leaving replay. ALL the replay behaviours need to subside and OW totally gone. Only then will he moved into depression/withdrawal stage. Your H sending his OW away may mean nothing. Remember they lie all the time. At the moment you are making assumptions about what is happening. Please don't get pulled back onto the rollercoaster.

Also at the end of replay they often go through an awakening when they start to see the mess they have made.

Have a read of this thread it may help. Also reread the stage of replay.

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=26.0

I suggest you continue to detach and let him go. He is still very confused and as Lausecan said it is early days yet.

xx

[OldPilot]

Syn

Usually with stages it is very hard to see until you are past the events and looking back.
Sometimes you can have touch and gos that lasts for months.
Normally if their is an OW/OM they are still in replay.
You will see some of the other replay antics, clothes, teenage actions.
Running away is also normally part of replay.

Just to be clear, they are NOT out of the tunnel after replay.
They are very much still in crisis and it can be just as hard on the LBS as it is during replay.

Every crisis IS different and depends how it all plays out.

[Synicca]

Thanks JA and OP,

That helped alot!!

Ok, so he is still in the tunnel...got it.

Since my H's OW is still in the picture, I know he is still in Replay.....I think I just find it really odd that he used
his last dime to send her and her son home.....I know they are all wacko crazy!..so doing this is just another
crazy MLC thing...but sheesh, If he was so HAPPY and in LOVE, why send them home to be 3000 miles away??

I think what I'm trying to wrap my brain around is he bought the tickets, stayed with her for a week until they
left, ( acted like a couple ) then put them on a plane, and then continues to be in a R with her....

I dont know...maybe I am hoping that someone would know the MLC thinking...LOL