My sincere thanks for your posts really appreciate your views and HB apologise for misquoting you
so sincerely sorry.
Don't worry about it, B; as careful as I am about what I post; I do realize that people will often get a few things mixed up; Lord knows there's enough stress on this forum because of what all are going through.
When I catch 'misquotes' I correct them, and make sure my corrections are in bold.
I feel he sees me in her?? as he texts her sometimes to let her know how he feels and what he is doing but it freaks her out as she said I'm not his wife! Bur she gets he's not himself but the close living arrangements must blur the ability for her ,I feel , to think rationally at times ?
It's really hard to live with an out of control MLC'er; that's for sure.
Unless he calls her by YOUR name; I wouldn't think he was mixing you with her. I watched my husband and son have an interesting relationship that I was NOT a part of. I do recall them arguing sometimes, and I ALSO recall my husband telling my son things he really should have been telling me, but instead, he was telling son.
It all has to do with feeling SAFE with the person they are talking to. Your husband has no real "vested" interest in your daughter, other than she's his daughter; she CAN'T throw him out, she CAN'T do a whole lot with him; and so he feels "free" in expressing himself to her. This aspect is also the process of learning to developing relationships/friendships/reconnective aspects; can and does involve being more "real" with them.
It's actually a good thing that he's opening up to your daughter; I think JustAsking was/is observing something similar in her situation; when her husband is speaking of the past, and I THINK, how he feels(Correct me, JA, if I'm wrong, here) more is/was being said to the children than to her at this point, but JustAsking just lets it be; staying very detached, knowing HER TURN will come later on...her husband and yours are not that far apart.
Your daughter is having trouble understanding WHY your husband has all of a sudden chosen to confide in her. But then, sometimes, it's just enough to simply BE; and let it all slide off her back. I can imagine her being very uncomfortable.
On a side note, however, I just had an odd thought: keep the communication lines open with your daughter; and make sure she lets you know if ANYTHING happens that doesn't seem to be right between her and her dad. I would NOT even begin to accuse any MLC'er of having anything other than a "friend" type interest in their teenage offspring; but very strange things can happen; and it's best to be on guard at all times.
Twice in my lifetime, when my dad was going through MLC; he chose to confide in me; but my dad took this confidence way too far; and both times, I was forced to shut it all down in one aspect, but still struggle to keep my relationship intact with him.
Yet, I did not trust him, and what I'm about to post, I don't speak of often, B; but my dad said something to me when I was 15, and he was within his first bout of crisis; it was a clear invitation to have sex; and I was shocked to say the least; refused him angrily, and immediately, made certain I was NEVER alone with him. I was thankful that my sister and I shared a room together at that time; as I was afraid of what he might try to do to me at that time. I tried to tell my mother, she got all upset, and then I told one of my aunts, who got VERY angry, but she BELIEVED me.
Yet, when he was confronted, he called me a liar; this was one of the traumatic issues I faced while in Transition.
I already lived in terror of my mother, whose mind wasn't right; then I had to watch my dad's every move, too...it's a wonder, I didn't go totally nuts.
Fast forward 10 years later, I was 25; my husband was trucking 5 days a week; and my mother got sick; and was hospitalized for quite awhile...she nearly died.
I can see I made a huge mistake of opening my home to him; instead of letting someone else put him up; but then, my sister had said something about him "peeping" at her through the bedroom window through the curtains...so, both of us were objects of illicit interest......this is NEVER right, and NOTHING can justify a parent that goes this route in their minds and hearts.
My dad was going through MLC AGAIN; having missed some aspects; and one of the first red flags I caught, was hearing him calling me by my mother's name first, and I corrected him right then(I resemble my mother strongly; although I resemble my dad, too).
THEN, not long after, I heard him begin to call me the pet names he called her....it didn't take me long to figure out he was, indeed, mixing us both up; and I had a bad flashback to the time of my 15th year; and what he had asked me for back at that time.
On top of that, my younger brother and I began to hear some very explicit sexual content from him about his younger days that I did NOT wish to know about; I asked him to stop talking about it; was accused of being "thin skinned", that I was grown, and this kind of subject should not be that uncomfortable. Furious, I lit up like a Christmas tree; so mad at him I could not see straight.
But he didn't stop talking, and I left the room.
When I thought about it all a little later, I was SO scared, I started putting a kitchen chair under the doorknob at night so I could get some decent sleep; not knowing what he might get in his head to do...next, I broke down and told my husband who had a fit; and advised me to send him home to his house.
I asked my husband to be present when I confronted him.
I confronted him a couple of days later; with my husband there; and at first he refused to go home; then he said something I will never forget; I told him that I knew when he was young he took care of himself....he said that he married my mother so SHE could take care of him....that flew all over me; coupled with the memories of having to literally MAKE him get in the car to go see Mother, because he would NOT go on his own(he didn't care if she lived or died, as long as HE was taken care of, typical MLC selfishness)....and then, my terror hit the surface, and in fear AND anger, I left the room, packed his stuff; and put him OUT of the house.
You know, he acted like I had half killed him; and he disowned me because of it; but he never told the truth of what he said/did both of those times....the next time I saw him, he was dead; but that's beside the point.
I said all that as a cautionary measure; I would hope, even though the MLC spouse may do a whole host of other things; that they would NEVER stoop as low as what my dad tried to do with me.
I hadn't thought about this in a LONG time; but something you said about your husband mixing you and her up triggered this particular memory in me...and I'm really very sorry if what I've said scares/frightens you....I don't think this is happening with your husband...yet, this has been known to be a reality for some children; I had read various stories over time; and knew the person was going through MLC.
Just keep close tabs on the situation, I know you already do, B.
Also, remember the spouse is the LAST in line for reconnection; it seems everybody else gets a piece of the action; but since the LBS was the FIRST to be disconnected; they are always the LAST to get reconnected. Mostly, it's because the LBS is the "ONE" who has always been there; and the one the MLC'er seems to love the most; and it seems the LBS is the one, initially, that gets hurt the most.
ove and thanks and any other insights on how we get through this/these stages greatly received! its too confusing to say the least ... and think I am not the only one that finds this so?
While I understand you wish for more understanding and clarification; remember the stages were written as a GUIDE, NOT an absolute.
Even RCR's articles are the same; I have read them in this same vein; each one provides guidance; but there are NO absolute solutions for the crisis; as each case is so very different.....all of the reading DOES help increase understanding; but B, I can tell you from experience, there were many things I was unable to see UNTIL my hindsight kicked in more fully AFTER each phase he traveled through.
It's not uncommon to try new things; be different people, then end up a completely different individual when it's all said and done; he seems to be trying out a few aspects on for size; and this is evident of some experimentation that can come at ANY time of the crisis....until he gets himself straightened out, just keep reading, work on yourself, keep tabs on your daughter; and understand she must handle herself with dear old dad...now if he hurts her physically, that is a way different story; but she can learn to handle her dad emotionally; and you're helping her with that.
Even I observed our son learning the SAME lessons I was learning during my husband's crisis; and he uses these lessons in his own life.
I didn't make him learn them; he learned them on his own by watching the example I actually did NOT know I was setting for him.
Hopefully, this will help...I will give more thought on your other questions, B.
Limbo & Awakening, Liminality, Withdrawal... Confusions
Author
Topic: