[Ready2Transform]

My question pertains to concerns about being second choice if/when MLCer returns and how others cope with that.

I don't want to be anyone's second choice. I don't want to be what anyone is settling for because the fantasy didn't work out. I am wondering if others experience those feelings while standing and how they cope with them.

I think it's very healthy to feel that way.  Shows the initial blow to our self-esteem of BD is returning to a healthy place (or maybe reaching it for the first time - I know I'm stronger now than I ever was before, and have far more requirements of others in order to be in a relationship with me). 

I tend to view MLC in a very clinical way, so even though emotionally I think many of them return with this sort of immature, self-serving purpose on the outside, my logic brain wants to say the underlying reasons why we are still the "home" they seek have to do with subconscious, crisis-related mechanisms and chemicals that are still keeping them in a place of crazy.  That doesn't mean we have to take them back in the way that they want us to, or even at all.  It is a choice, and one that we'll be making whichever way it goes from a stronger place that is more in line with our own needs (whether that's the need for a healthy partner, the need for companionship, the need to move on, the need to do as God wishes for us, etc - whatever fits).  Mine is in no way on the path I paved, so I don't have a decision made.  If and when the time comes, I have a belief that I'll know what the right choice is.  It's a practice to not dwell on it, one I'm not very good at, but what I'm aiming for all the same.

[Reallytrying]

I read an article briefly about the difference between touch & go and reconnection but I can't seem to find it back.
I am very curious about the difference. My bomb drop occurred 2 years ago. After that my husband was very distant and sometimes mean. After he moved out last year he has definitely been a boomerang - coming and going, treating it as though he still lives here. He also connected pleasantly often and then would withdraw.
At some point he began a physical relationship with someone he had likely been in an emotional relationship with. When I foubd out about it we had a very emotional conversation and he indicated that he did not want a divorce but that he intended to continue seeing Her.

Since then - about a month now the interactions between us feel very different. We had to go to something for my daughters school and we rode together. When he is here we laugh a lot more and share more about what's going for both of us at work, etc.  The other day it was our wedding anniversary and though we didht acknowledge the day he spent the entire day with me (not just with the kids). In that time the only time I feel the go is right after he's spent time with her.

Can the reconnection begin even while the OW is still very much in the picture?

[OldPilot]

Can the reconnection begin even while the OW is still very much in the picture?

I would say no, not true reconnection.

Normally as long as the OW is around they remain in REPLAY.

I have merged your post into a thread that talks about this, and there is a link to an earlier thread in post #1.

[Thunder]

Wildfire - So, are they just coming back because their flight to freedom, happiness, etc. didn't go they way their fantasy mind thought it would and just think something (us) is better than nothing?

I realize I may sound cynical and jaded. That's just where I am right now. I guess dealing with an MLCer will do that to a person.

I am so there right now, Wildfire.
I haven't heard anyone else express this.  Thank you.

My H did try to find an ow.  Or at least it seemed he did.  In the first few months, after bd (almost 5 years ago), he signed up on to dating sites, looked around but never actually joined them.  He joined a dating service but only got one "good" response, which didn't work out...and it was like he gave up.

Sometimes I wonder if we are together because he just settled.
He has never been with another woman since we broke up.  He has only been with me for the past 30 years.  I hate to think that way, our relationship is good, but it nags at me sometimes.

He calls me every day.  We are together almost every day.  We are intimate almost every day. He seems happy to be with me but I still have doubts.   
I poo poo them away but their still there.

[Reallytrying]

Thanks Oldpilot. I also found the article I had read earlier and it provided the clarification I have been looking for. Essentially the touch & go abs reconnection behaviors may look very similar. I am trying not to worry about the stage my husband is in and focus on finding my joy. Some days it is easier than others.

[Albatross]

I believe that MLC have same dynamic at the end as in beginning. It is like a wave or hill if You like. Top of the wave or hill is peak of the replay so as much time they spend in separation they would spend it in later phases of MLC. So LBS only can notice turbulent phase top of the wave, which is replay. All other is longest and silent.

[Hmmm]

My H said a few months ago that nothing external worked.

He's been very quiet since but recently mentioned on the phone that my problems at work (demotion/anxiety/insomnia) were from the torture he put me through when he left. This is true but I have never blamed him for it.

I'm trying not to stage watch but these seem very significant to me.
Xxx

[Reallytrying]

Hmmmm - it is so hard not to stage watch. It gives us hope that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. My counselor has been working with me on accepting things for what they are - regardless of the stage he's in I would hold it as a small positive that he at least sees the connection between his behavior and negative things in your life and leave it at that. Trying to read too much into it will only make you feel disappointed if/when he starts acting like a fool again :-)

Good luck.

[OldPilot]

Trying to read too much into it will only make you feel disappointed if/when he starts acting like a fool again :-)

Or worse yet when he is NOT in the stage that you thought or progressing the way you EXPECTED.

RCR does have an article about stage watching,  I will see if I can find it for you and edit this with a link.

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_separation_replay_stage-obsession.html

[31andcounting]

Thunder~  I have never openly expressed my fear of my H settling for me and for our M, but I have that fear also!   I lived that fear for 15 years after we divorced and he came back early on in our M.   I figured out that living in that fear kept me from actually living in my marriage!!!  It kept me from living my life and loving fully. 
Not sure exactly how I change  that and end that fear but I am working on it because I refuse to live this  "new" relationship in fear!!

 Not an easy task ,but I feel it has a lot to do with my thinking!!!  The mind is very strong!
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