Author Topic: My Story Insert Clever Title here....  (Read 3379 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Insert Clever Title here....
« on: September 16, 2019, 06:43:08 AM »
Just when I think there is a glimmer of peace on the horizon.....

After quite a few great days of just enjoying the last few days of summer and being able to ride my bike and thinking that I can do this, I can be okay....SWOOSH, BAM - life slaps me in the face and humbly I must admit yet again, that I am still as fragile and confused as ever.

See, it's when you don't constantly think about it and when you relax and don't lurk around corners......no thinking a thing I met a client at the front door at work and BANG! there MLC walks right past me, smiles and says 'Hey, how are you doing' with a big smile on his face. And that's when schratz goes from composed, capable adult professional to Deer in Headlight - flight mode.
I just smiled back and greeted the client and moved away from the area as quickly as possible while MLC was still standing there waiting for me to chat or something. No, there was nothing classy or composed about it - I am sure I looked like a panic stricken rabbit on the way into the snake pit.

And that irks me to no end. Actually it pi$$es me off. Instead of running to the bathroom to cry, I ran back to my desk to yell at myself. Which I guess is a step in the right direction....but....Why oh why does that man still have that affect on my after 2 years ? When does it end ????? Is there a magic spell breaker potion I can purchase and guzzle ? This is so irritating to me that he still holds that kind of power over my heart and soul. When will I be indifferent to seeing him ?

And why must they torture us ? Why can he not just disregard me ? Clearly he doesn't want me in his life, so why act all friendly and jovial as if we are old buddies ?

Dangit - this was not how today was supposed to go down.....


Previous thread  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10846.150
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #1 on: September 16, 2019, 07:06:37 AM »
Attaching Schratz....

And, if you really want an answer to the somewhat rhetorical question
Quote from: Scratz66
Why oh why does that man still have that affect on my after 2 years ? When does it end ????? Is there a magic spell breaker potion I can purchase and guzzle ? This is so irritating to me that he still holds that kind of power over my heart and soul. When will I be indifferent to seeing him ?

It is my opinion/belief that this probably doesn't happen until we drink the potion called "Done," especially if you are in close contact with the Mid-Lifer for whatever reason.... I used to be that way with xW as well until the court date was set. That was my turn to drink from the Done Fountain... There is no longer trepidation or longing or anything else... That has all been replaced by a huge heaping helping of "OK, lets get this conversation over and done with so I can go take care of the things I need to take care of." I can be, and am cordial but, happy mask or not, xW no longer gets a rise out of me...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline xyzcf

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #2 on: September 16, 2019, 07:35:45 AM »
When does it end?

For several of us, possibly never.

Acceptance of what once was and is gone helps me to be able to see him..but there is still plenty of emotion attached to that.

If I had the choice to completely erase him from my mind and my heart I don't think I would take that choice.

And no, many do not leave us alone. Remember that they too have a heart and that we are still very much a part of that heart. Many MLCers cannot seem to erase us either.

Which makes sense as I always come back to the same thought...this is not about me and not about our marriage. That is the hardest thing to believe, truly believe but it is what allows me to take the feelings I have, which are normal for the love we shared and deal with them as a normal response to a very abnormal situation.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline Music45

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #3 on: September 16, 2019, 12:18:27 PM »
Schratz, I hear you. Sounds to me like you coped with today a whole lot better than you would have done not so long ago. That's progress. Keep doing what you're doing.
I've not had a great day either, I know exactly how you feel.
Hang in there.
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #4 on: September 16, 2019, 04:10:52 PM »
I’m sorry Music that your day wasn’t  great either. Hopefully tomorrow will be better for you. Ursa - where do we find the ‘Done’ flavor of the potion ? Then again how can I be done if I still love that stupid man with every fiber of my being. Often I wish I could be done, and maybe I will get there one day, then again maybe not.

Xy- it just shocks me that after two years there is still so much emotion wrapped up in just seeing him. How do you deal with the emotions when you see yours ?
And we all know they are bonkers, but seriously a casual ‘Hey what are you doing’ like he didn’t run off with another woman and chose to live his life without me?
Can’t wrap my head around it.

And so I will just let it go along with the unusual tomato gift last month and the Hey I just noticed the 4 year old scratch on your car from the month before that.

But on a just as messed up front my brother sent me a pic of him and his OW like it’s the most natural thing in the world. If it wasn’t for the truly amazing guys on this forum I would start thinking that men in general are a few cents short of a dollar.

Anyhow- Monday over - no tears were shed and tomorrow is another day.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2019, 06:37:43 PM »
Schratz, Sorry about the sighting today.  I know those triggers- two years in and you think we could handle it. I wonder if it is the surprise of it all. Maybe it would not be so bad if we could prepare in advance for the sightings.   And then the best buddies routine, like they forgot our relationship, or perhaps they are trying to show the world that they are good people, all "amicable."  You did well. Tomorrow will be a better day.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2019, 07:23:55 PM »
Continuing on with you, S66. 

That "done" potion is an enigma, that's for sure.  As xyz says, for some it never comes.  For UM it came when the court date was set.  For me it came when he married the ow. 

I'm sorry that you had the encounter this morning, but you handled it and kept going.   
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Whyus

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #7 on: September 16, 2019, 10:50:45 PM »
Im sorry that you had such a $h!tety sighting S ("sighting" makes him Sound like Bigfoot in a way  :o). I know exactly how you feel, XW would just drive past me in traffic and "BOOM".... off Spinning I went for days. It does seem that we are under a spell of some Kind. There is no magic "done" potion, its a conscious decision which could come after something big happens.

For UM it was the court date, for me it was the signing off and selling of our house or it could be a marriage to OP or a child with OP. It could just be that you wake up one day and just think "firetruck this $h!te!". Some are never done and could stand for the rest of their lives which is also ccol if that is what you want. We (LBS) are all different but somehow I feel we are a Little Special, our spouces certainly firetrucked up the best Thing that ever happened to them in leaving us.


If it wasn’t for the truly amazing guys on this forum I would start thinking that men in general are a few cents short of a dollar.
We guys on this Forum could say the same, that all women in General are a few Cents short of a Dollar.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #8 on: September 17, 2019, 01:26:39 AM »
I honestly think there are levels or types of 'done'ness, 66. Some we choose, some seem to just happen over time. And some of our sighting 'reactions' are sometimes more about residual trauma than about doneness. One can be 'done' but still triggered or uncomfortable I suspect.

My xh is no longer what he was to me but neither is he just another stranger on the planet either. I am done in the sense of seeing him as part of my past not my future, but he was important to me. I have not been tested in my situation - the benefits of a vanisher lol - but I don't know how I would feel or respond if I heard he was seriously ill say or indeed if he asked for my help in some serious way. Idk....but I do know that for me at some level he is still significant as a person to me even if I am apparently not so for him. That seems normal and healthy to me after twenty years together tbh even if I do nothing with that feeling.

What I see in your post - bc I did/do it - is a belief about 'should' linked to time. Understandable but not very useful imho. Please understand that I am Ms Pot on this! You feel what you feel and no one else needs to know or has the right to tell you to feel otherwise. Right now this is how you feel. Some day you might feel slightly differently which is ok too.

I would tell your brother to stop and give him an non negotiable metaphorical slap if you must. No need to explain or justify, just say don't do this or it will affect how we communicate in future. People are surprisingly dull witted or wedded to other people's dramas sometimes, men and women both, but you have the right to say not on your time. I had to do that with some of my girlfriends more than once. File your h's behaviour under the Mad Tomatoes label and turn your eyes away from it to keep focused on other things. You did nothing wrong and you are under no obligation to play the 'this is normal' game, really you're not.

Are you still looking for jobs elsewhere?
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 01:33:00 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #9 on: September 17, 2019, 09:02:53 AM »
This was on Couragedearhearts thread. I think it might answer some of your questions about why we continue to feel the way we do
https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/us_58ed2e74e4b0145a227cb909/amp
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

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