Author Topic: My Story Insert Clever Title here....  (Read 3338 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #10 on: September 19, 2019, 07:56:29 AM »
Thank you all for your replies.
Xy - thank you for the link - just wow - puts it all in a nutshell, doesn't it. And I am fully aware that some of the trauma is still left over from childhood when my father had his MLC and left and my mother disappearing into alcohol to deal with the pain.
I recovered nicely from the Big Foot sighting - thanks Why - that made me snicker - and did not fall apart. Resisted the urge to contact and explain why I did not stop and speak, but didn't. Somebody said to me that I should make contact and make it comfortable and easy for him to be friendly with me if I want him to come back. I thought about that for a couple of days now. The person that told me that said that my stubbornness refusing to contact is maybe ruining his coming back. I disagree.

I have always very kindly and nicely replied to any contact he made, I thanked him for the stupid tomatoes, I agreed to meet for drinks when asked and I was kind and polite when he backed out.
If he wants contact, he knows where I am at and unless he is a complete Nincompoop he knows that I still care about him deeply. It is not my responsibility to chase him down, it is not my job to continuously make him feel warm and secure and let him know I will not reject him. He left. He has to really want to have me back in his life and he has to initiate.

Am I completely off base with that ? Just wondering, because you know the LBS always wonders  :)

Read an interesting perspective the other day - it was talking how some people cannot get over a relationship and just miss the other person so much. Somebody said, it is not necessarily the actual person that you miss, it is the emotions that that person invokes in you that you miss. Been chewing on that and I am not sure how I feel about that.

Other than that - it is still beautiful Indian Summer here and I get out as much as I can on my bike before the wet, gray and soggy season starts.  Meeting a group of friends this evening for dinner and then the weekend is here - yay  ;D

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Treasur

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2019, 08:08:20 AM »
Makes perfect sense to me 66 and imho a very healthy way to see it  :)

I think in my experience I have missed both things with my loved ones. Things that are about who they were. Times when I miss the feeling of having a Mum say. Not sure either one is better or worse, just different. What I do notice is that the happy memories seem to come with the first and the tears with the second.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2019, 11:04:41 AM »
 
Quote
Somebody said to me that I should make contact and make it comfortable and easy for him to be friendly with me if I want him to come back. I thought about that for a couple of days now. The person that told me that said that my stubbornness refusing to contact is maybe ruining his coming back. I disagree.

So you are to blame?

No Schratz, until he is ready to find you, there is NOTHING you can do to "entice" him back.....what does this person know really? We are not in high school. This is not a dating game.

Your husband is in a serious crisis and until he resolves some of that, there is nothing you can do.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2019, 01:25:01 AM »
Somebody said to me that I should make contact and make it comfortable and easy for him to be friendly with me if I want him to come back. I thought about that for a couple of days now. The person that told me that said that my stubbornness refusing to contact is maybe ruining his coming back.

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2019, 04:11:03 AM »
I agree S, you are right.

You did nothing to cause his crisis, so you can't fix it.
You have been nothing but nice and friendly to him.  Perfect!
My goodness you have come a long way.   :)

You were the one rejected, not him.  So let him figure it out.  He either will or he won't.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starterTopic starter

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2019, 10:44:23 AM »
So, it’s my birthday today and I’ve decided that my gift to myself will be to not check my email to see if he sent anything. I shall enjoy this day in peace with no monkey braining and no tears.
My mom sent me a German magazine and German Gummies and i shall sit by the lake enjoying the sun and life. I have a good life and many blessings including all of you on here.

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2019, 10:55:50 AM »
Happy Birthday Schratz!!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2019, 11:33:27 AM »
Happy birthday, 66 xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2019, 11:37:53 AM »
Happy birthday and enjoy your day!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Insert Clever Title here....
« Reply #19 on: September 22, 2019, 12:09:47 PM »
Happy Birthday 66. Have a good one!!!

 

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