Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the little things.  (Read 2643 times)

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
My Story Finding Joy in the little things.
« on: September 16, 2019, 11:28:00 AM »
Hi Everyone!

I will pop back in the coming week and give a brief replay on my story.  I have read and appreciate every word from my last post and am truly thankful for the amazing advice and support here.  Such wisdom in the midst of adversity.

H crossed a red line with me on our mediation coffee and I am done.  I am in a funk this week due to it.  Who knows if I will feel differently if/when he ever changes, but I cannot continue to have him in my life anymore than is needed.

My heart does hurt.  The ugliness in his heart and life does make me grieve.  The way he is ending our marriage is so harmful and hurtful.

I truly wish I never had to see him again, but I have to be strong and coparent for the kids. 

This is going to be a long several months, while we deal with the divorce.  At this point I do wish it were done so that life did not seem so up in the air. 

I have made some friends in the single parent group.  They hangout all the time.  I also see them all at church.  Everyone is very friendly.  A lot of them sit together in church with their kids.  I was invited by the father of 6(not to worry, I am not interested in men at all right now). We all just hangout casually.  I said I can’t join because my h sits with the family sometimes.  It is best for the kids for this to remain the case for the foreseeable future. 

I am getting on the waiting list for a house in a wonderful neighborhood.  It is gated with beach access, a pool, beautiful trails, tennis courts etc.  I was not even considering looking in there for a rent house next summer because I want to save money for when I buy in two years.  It turns out the neighborhood has 6 patio style homes in the front that are really cute with a small yard, they rent in my budget.  So I’m hoping it works out since we will get kicked out of military housing once the divorce is final.

My daughters friend lives in the neighborhood and her Mom said if we move there we could carpool.  Our big kids go to the same school.  It turns out her husband had a 10 year long MLC after a deployment, from 2003-2013.  He never left home, but was very angry and their grown daughter was dramatically effected.  So she related to my situation.  She said once her h admitted he had a problem and got help it was the beginning of the end.

My h is getting help and admits to being broken, but is as mean and hollow as ever.  Monday’s are typically laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping kind of days.  Today is no exception.  I treated myself to a green smoothie bowl with pineapple, bananas, peanut butter drizzle and cocoa nibs.  So good.  Good Monday everyone!  It’s a good day for a run!

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11063.0
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 02:31:16 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9403
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2019, 02:32:35 AM »
I've linked your threads FJ.....

Sorry to hear about the mediation coffee debacle...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 600
  • Gender: Male
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2019, 05:38:24 AM »
Following along, FJ.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2019, 07:03:16 AM »
Thank You UM!  I appreciate it!

Good to have you PJ!

Journaling-I cannot explain the shift in mindset as it is just one more step forward and minor, but significant.  Before, my heart was still for my husband even though I was detached for the most part.  I still hoped for reconciliation.  Now, I still pray for him, but just pray God’s will. 

When I make choices I feel a subtle shift in my thinking.  There is not a distant hope, or an underlying feeling causing me to make choices that might lead to reconciliation.  When I think of my future, I will only consider him so much as he effects the kids.  I will do my best to be kind and polite.

I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge.  Honestly, I do not like to feel like a victim and I have for almost a year.  It only changes my mindset, nothing else really.  It might change where the kids and I live long term.  I think now I look at him as unsuitable for me.  I would not date or be with a man that treats me horribly, so why is he an exception.  On the other hand, if years down the road he is a changed man and wants to reconcile.  I would consider who he is, who I am, and if we go together.

Him divorcing me is huge.  Had he not gone this route, I’m sure I would still be waiting.  I will admit to looking at the financials in the divorce as a form of justice.  Not vengeance, more subtle than that.  That old saying, it’s cheaper to keep her.  I am still working on forgiveness daily. 

I’m both sad and excited, as only divorce can bring.  I’m sad for the mess and loss and excited for a new life with me and the kids.  A new adventure.  I’m excited to be single in a way.  Not dating, not thinking of men.  Just growing and really living for the next couple of years.

I would not have chosen this, but here it is.  There is no part of me that wants any part of who he is now.  It has been almost 4 years since my h got deployed and cut me(and really to a large degree the kids) out of his life....and here we are.  I am finally ready to do the same. 

I am able to fondly remember my h pre deployment.  We had so many good years.  Those years are fondly tucked away in my memories and separated from these last few.  He no longer wants a life with me, a relationship with God or the responsibility of a family.  He will ultimately pay for this choice in his relationships with his kids, his finances and having to live with the guilt and loss of respect.

It’s odd, that dream we all have where they come back a changed better person, apologize and tell us they love us and want us.  That doesn’t mean much to me right now.  Some part of him threw me away and stomped my heart into the ground.  He has shown no care, or mercy.  He is a weak man who only cares for himself at the expense of his family.  I’m not sure that is something I can get over.  I can forgive in time, but to ever let him near my heart again.  I see that as unlikely.  But, never say never.  There is power in redemption, grace and forgiveness and I do not know the end of this story.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 07:15:48 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 567
  • Gender: Male
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2019, 08:53:31 AM »
Wow FJ,
That is quite the update......

So sorry it's come to that, but it's totally understandable.

We all have our breaking point. I think you're showing such strength..... and protecting your kids, a great mom.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2019, 09:41:41 AM »
SS-Thank you, I appreciate that.  I guess him Monstering and divorcing me has gotten me to this point.  Only God’s  redemption and grace can save the marriage now.  Of course that would take my h choosing repentance and he has been very clear about his intentions not to submit his will to Christ’s.

If the Lord led me to take him back later, I would.  It would be incredibly hard to do...
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8833
  • Gender: Female
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2019, 10:30:42 AM »
You are quite right, FJ, that you don't know the end of the story yet.
Let God take care of that as you say while you focus on this chapter.
You are doing tremendously well...let yourself feel how you feel and trust that both feelings and the story will evolve with time, my friend. But yes, what he is now is not much of a prize as a husband or father so protecting yourself from his self-destruction is a necessary thing, just as you are doing.
Love the sound of the potential house that comes with a free LBS neighbourhood chum...perfect  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2019, 02:45:05 PM »
Treasure-Yes, It is very necessary.  I am thankful I found a new lbs friend too.  People only talk about this stuff when they find out you are also walking through it.

I am hopeful about the housing.  It would solve some issues for sure!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2019, 07:28:18 AM »
Working through some FOO issues that this MLC situation has brought to the surface.

My mom was 20 when she had me, 17 when she had my sister.  My parents were divorced by the time I was two.  My dad was around little.  He did give me my love for nature.  He was an every other weekend father, but even then he left for the bar.  He was an alcoholic.  He did pay child support and got us a gift on our birthday. 

My Mom was a good mom for a lot of years.  We were poor, she was uneducated.  I did take on much of the Mom role with my siblings(middle child).  When I was in 5th grade, she lost it.  She just could no longer handle life.  She always put men first and us in bad situations.  I remember eating at friends houses mostly and being thankful for free breakfast and lunch at school.  I know what it’s like to go hungry and that creates a sometimes irrational fear that my kids and I will also go without.  At the age of 12, I asked to move out on my own.

From 12-15 I lived in many homes.  I got into trouble and lived an aimless life.  At 15 I was taken in by the people I consider my family now.

Also at 15 my father committed suicide.  I remember feeling mad that he was so selfish even in death.  I remember grieving the loss of any hope of a relationship.  He taught me more in his death than in his life.  I new I did not want to repeat his or my mother’s choices.  I saw where partying and living for self leads and decided I wanted no part.  I truly never looked back.

I became a Christian, I spent all of my free time serving underprivileged youth, soup kitchens, street ministry.  I met my husband, we got married and I went to college.  My heart was to change a generation.  Raise my kids up right and avoid the pitfalls my parents made.

If this was my main purpose in life, to be a good wife and mother, I was content in that role.  So when hard times came, I persevered, because I had a purpose in life. 

Now that I am getting a divorce, it is important to me to put my children’s needs above my own and stay strong.  Realizing that sometimes patterns persist in generations.  I think that my Mom always choosing men over us, is in the back of my mind.

My Husband’s behavior often reminds me of the neglect from my own father.  Even in this degenerative state, for now my h is way better than my dad was.  Mostly because my h spent so many years doing everything right and so we are still reaping that fruit.  But there are times when he reminds me of my father.  Just paying the money and living a life for himself.

Thankfully I am much stronger than my mother was and have a way to provide.  She got to a point where she could not even take care of herself.  It has been so many years since I looked at her as a mom.  I help her and am kind to her as she is my mom.  But, I have not had any expectations for her to act as my mom or do anything for me in anyway for at least 15 years.  If I am honest, I look at her as charity.  Someone I should try to help to the extent I can while realizing people must help themselves.

In a thousand ways my children have it better than I did even now.  They have parents who love them and provide for them.  They have never gone without.  They have a moral compass and a family to call their own.  Still, it is such a disappointment for me to have failed at my goal to raise them in a two parent home.  A home filled with love and laughter.  I cannot control the actions of someone else.  I cannot make him love me or want to raise his kids. 

I can only trust them to God and do my very best.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2019, 07:46:03 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Father5

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 149
  • Gender: Male
Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2019, 07:53:56 AM »
JOY,

  We have so much in common. I too come from a similar back ground. My father was an abusive addict though to this day would never admit it. He and my mom are still married but he is still the same. I have a hard time pretending anymore that this didn't happen. I moved out at 16 and never looked back.

  I am determined to raise my kids differently than they did. I am a very hands on father and try to be as involved as possible. I am just finding God and Jesus and starting to live a better life. I have been sober for over 20 years now and am keeping myself that way.

  My mom checked out on me at the age of 12. My older sister is Bi Polar and she was so much to deal with that my mom just couldn't handle it anymore. I do live in an unhealthy family dynamic. If there is conflict, nothing is said to the person it is said to someone else then passed around until it finally leads to them hearing it from someone else.

  So my father being abusive and the fact I am terrified of him is never talked about. I have often thought about saying something to them but at this age and my mom having cancer I don't see the point. He is a narcissist and won't see what he has done and my mom would just protect him. 

  Anyway back to you, You sound amazing and such a great person. You should know that about yourself and know that your kids and family know that about you as well ! Keep healing and moving forward you seem to be on the right path !

God Bless you !
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.