Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the little things.  (Read 2551 times)

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Finding Joy in the little things.
« on: September 16, 2019, 11:28:00 AM »
Hi Everyone!

I will pop back in the coming week and give a brief replay on my story.  I have read and appreciate every word from my last post and am truly thankful for the amazing advice and support here.  Such wisdom in the midst of adversity.

H crossed a red line with me on our mediation coffee and I am done.  I am in a funk this week due to it.  Who knows if I will feel differently if/when he ever changes, but I cannot continue to have him in my life anymore than is needed.

My heart does hurt.  The ugliness in his heart and life does make me grieve.  The way he is ending our marriage is so harmful and hurtful.

I truly wish I never had to see him again, but I have to be strong and coparent for the kids. 

This is going to be a long several months, while we deal with the divorce.  At this point I do wish it were done so that life did not seem so up in the air. 

I have made some friends in the single parent group.  They hangout all the time.  I also see them all at church.  Everyone is very friendly.  A lot of them sit together in church with their kids.  I was invited by the father of 6(not to worry, I am not interested in men at all right now). We all just hangout casually.  I said I can’t join because my h sits with the family sometimes.  It is best for the kids for this to remain the case for the foreseeable future. 

I am getting on the waiting list for a house in a wonderful neighborhood.  It is gated with beach access, a pool, beautiful trails, tennis courts etc.  I was not even considering looking in there for a rent house next summer because I want to save money for when I buy in two years.  It turns out the neighborhood has 6 patio style homes in the front that are really cute with a small yard, they rent in my budget.  So I’m hoping it works out since we will get kicked out of military housing once the divorce is final.

My daughters friend lives in the neighborhood and her Mom said if we move there we could carpool.  Our big kids go to the same school.  It turns out her husband had a 10 year long MLC after a deployment, from 2003-2013.  He never left home, but was very angry and their grown daughter was dramatically effected.  So she related to my situation.  She said once her h admitted he had a problem and got help it was the beginning of the end.

My h is getting help and admits to being broken, but is as mean and hollow as ever.  Monday’s are typically laundry, cleaning and grocery shopping kind of days.  Today is no exception.  I treated myself to a green smoothie bowl with pineapple, bananas, peanut butter drizzle and cocoa nibs.  So good.  Good Monday everyone!  It’s a good day for a run!

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11063.0
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 02:31:16 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #1 on: September 17, 2019, 02:32:35 AM »
I've linked your threads FJ.....

Sorry to hear about the mediation coffee debacle...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #2 on: September 17, 2019, 05:38:24 AM »
Following along, FJ.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #3 on: September 17, 2019, 07:03:16 AM »
Thank You UM!  I appreciate it!

Good to have you PJ!

Journaling-I cannot explain the shift in mindset as it is just one more step forward and minor, but significant.  Before, my heart was still for my husband even though I was detached for the most part.  I still hoped for reconciliation.  Now, I still pray for him, but just pray God’s will. 

When I make choices I feel a subtle shift in my thinking.  There is not a distant hope, or an underlying feeling causing me to make choices that might lead to reconciliation.  When I think of my future, I will only consider him so much as he effects the kids.  I will do my best to be kind and polite.

I’m not sure what pushed me over the edge.  Honestly, I do not like to feel like a victim and I have for almost a year.  It only changes my mindset, nothing else really.  It might change where the kids and I live long term.  I think now I look at him as unsuitable for me.  I would not date or be with a man that treats me horribly, so why is he an exception.  On the other hand, if years down the road he is a changed man and wants to reconcile.  I would consider who he is, who I am, and if we go together.

Him divorcing me is huge.  Had he not gone this route, I’m sure I would still be waiting.  I will admit to looking at the financials in the divorce as a form of justice.  Not vengeance, more subtle than that.  That old saying, it’s cheaper to keep her.  I am still working on forgiveness daily. 

I’m both sad and excited, as only divorce can bring.  I’m sad for the mess and loss and excited for a new life with me and the kids.  A new adventure.  I’m excited to be single in a way.  Not dating, not thinking of men.  Just growing and really living for the next couple of years.

I would not have chosen this, but here it is.  There is no part of me that wants any part of who he is now.  It has been almost 4 years since my h got deployed and cut me(and really to a large degree the kids) out of his life....and here we are.  I am finally ready to do the same. 

I am able to fondly remember my h pre deployment.  We had so many good years.  Those years are fondly tucked away in my memories and separated from these last few.  He no longer wants a life with me, a relationship with God or the responsibility of a family.  He will ultimately pay for this choice in his relationships with his kids, his finances and having to live with the guilt and loss of respect.

It’s odd, that dream we all have where they come back a changed better person, apologize and tell us they love us and want us.  That doesn’t mean much to me right now.  Some part of him threw me away and stomped my heart into the ground.  He has shown no care, or mercy.  He is a weak man who only cares for himself at the expense of his family.  I’m not sure that is something I can get over.  I can forgive in time, but to ever let him near my heart again.  I see that as unlikely.  But, never say never.  There is power in redemption, grace and forgiveness and I do not know the end of this story.
« Last Edit: September 17, 2019, 07:15:48 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #4 on: September 17, 2019, 08:53:31 AM »
Wow FJ,
That is quite the update......

So sorry it's come to that, but it's totally understandable.

We all have our breaking point. I think you're showing such strength..... and protecting your kids, a great mom.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #5 on: September 17, 2019, 09:41:41 AM »
SS-Thank you, I appreciate that.  I guess him Monstering and divorcing me has gotten me to this point.  Only God’s  redemption and grace can save the marriage now.  Of course that would take my h choosing repentance and he has been very clear about his intentions not to submit his will to Christ’s.

If the Lord led me to take him back later, I would.  It would be incredibly hard to do...
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #6 on: September 17, 2019, 10:30:42 AM »
You are quite right, FJ, that you don't know the end of the story yet.
Let God take care of that as you say while you focus on this chapter.
You are doing tremendously well...let yourself feel how you feel and trust that both feelings and the story will evolve with time, my friend. But yes, what he is now is not much of a prize as a husband or father so protecting yourself from his self-destruction is a necessary thing, just as you are doing.
Love the sound of the potential house that comes with a free LBS neighbourhood chum...perfect  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #7 on: September 17, 2019, 02:45:05 PM »
Treasure-Yes, It is very necessary.  I am thankful I found a new lbs friend too.  People only talk about this stuff when they find out you are also walking through it.

I am hopeful about the housing.  It would solve some issues for sure!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2019, 07:28:18 AM »
Working through some FOO issues that this MLC situation has brought to the surface.

My mom was 20 when she had me, 17 when she had my sister.  My parents were divorced by the time I was two.  My dad was around little.  He did give me my love for nature.  He was an every other weekend father, but even then he left for the bar.  He was an alcoholic.  He did pay child support and got us a gift on our birthday. 

My Mom was a good mom for a lot of years.  We were poor, she was uneducated.  I did take on much of the Mom role with my siblings(middle child).  When I was in 5th grade, she lost it.  She just could no longer handle life.  She always put men first and us in bad situations.  I remember eating at friends houses mostly and being thankful for free breakfast and lunch at school.  I know what it’s like to go hungry and that creates a sometimes irrational fear that my kids and I will also go without.  At the age of 12, I asked to move out on my own.

From 12-15 I lived in many homes.  I got into trouble and lived an aimless life.  At 15 I was taken in by the people I consider my family now.

Also at 15 my father committed suicide.  I remember feeling mad that he was so selfish even in death.  I remember grieving the loss of any hope of a relationship.  He taught me more in his death than in his life.  I new I did not want to repeat his or my mother’s choices.  I saw where partying and living for self leads and decided I wanted no part.  I truly never looked back.

I became a Christian, I spent all of my free time serving underprivileged youth, soup kitchens, street ministry.  I met my husband, we got married and I went to college.  My heart was to change a generation.  Raise my kids up right and avoid the pitfalls my parents made.

If this was my main purpose in life, to be a good wife and mother, I was content in that role.  So when hard times came, I persevered, because I had a purpose in life. 

Now that I am getting a divorce, it is important to me to put my children’s needs above my own and stay strong.  Realizing that sometimes patterns persist in generations.  I think that my Mom always choosing men over us, is in the back of my mind.

My Husband’s behavior often reminds me of the neglect from my own father.  Even in this degenerative state, for now my h is way better than my dad was.  Mostly because my h spent so many years doing everything right and so we are still reaping that fruit.  But there are times when he reminds me of my father.  Just paying the money and living a life for himself.

Thankfully I am much stronger than my mother was and have a way to provide.  She got to a point where she could not even take care of herself.  It has been so many years since I looked at her as a mom.  I help her and am kind to her as she is my mom.  But, I have not had any expectations for her to act as my mom or do anything for me in anyway for at least 15 years.  If I am honest, I look at her as charity.  Someone I should try to help to the extent I can while realizing people must help themselves.

In a thousand ways my children have it better than I did even now.  They have parents who love them and provide for them.  They have never gone without.  They have a moral compass and a family to call their own.  Still, it is such a disappointment for me to have failed at my goal to raise them in a two parent home.  A home filled with love and laughter.  I cannot control the actions of someone else.  I cannot make him love me or want to raise his kids. 

I can only trust them to God and do my very best.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2019, 07:46:03 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Father5

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2019, 07:53:56 AM »
JOY,

  We have so much in common. I too come from a similar back ground. My father was an abusive addict though to this day would never admit it. He and my mom are still married but he is still the same. I have a hard time pretending anymore that this didn't happen. I moved out at 16 and never looked back.

  I am determined to raise my kids differently than they did. I am a very hands on father and try to be as involved as possible. I am just finding God and Jesus and starting to live a better life. I have been sober for over 20 years now and am keeping myself that way.

  My mom checked out on me at the age of 12. My older sister is Bi Polar and she was so much to deal with that my mom just couldn't handle it anymore. I do live in an unhealthy family dynamic. If there is conflict, nothing is said to the person it is said to someone else then passed around until it finally leads to them hearing it from someone else.

  So my father being abusive and the fact I am terrified of him is never talked about. I have often thought about saying something to them but at this age and my mom having cancer I don't see the point. He is a narcissist and won't see what he has done and my mom would just protect him. 

  Anyway back to you, You sound amazing and such a great person. You should know that about yourself and know that your kids and family know that about you as well ! Keep healing and moving forward you seem to be on the right path !

God Bless you !
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2019, 02:45:25 PM »
FJ, all caught up now.. I'm very sorry for the coffee mediation disappointment, it's hard to experience those things but the good news is that those things help us detach.. I think we all need to see enough evidence that our spouses have been taken by aliens before we can truly say enough is enough.. You don't know the end of the story but right now, the story doesn't include your H..
I can relate with the feeling of wanting to have the D behind you and never see your H again.. I'm going through the same right now and it's surprising because I never thought I would get to this point but I have.. As you, I might be able to forgive in time but letting my H in again? I'm not sure about that..

As for your FOO, I'm sorry to hear everything you went through and I can understand why you wanted something different for your kids but as you said, you can only control your actions.. We are all conditioned by our FOO.. I think my lack of interest in having kids was because my dad abandoned me and my mum and then he proceeded to abandon the kids he had with his second partner. I didn't want the same for me and any potential kids.. As much as I loved and trusted my H, my view always was that men walk away (thanks dad!) and my H proved me right..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2019, 06:42:46 AM »
Father-You have done an amazing job of turning things around for your children and being the Dad they need.  I suppose if we stay strong and are who we need to be for them, we have done our part.  I have thought for months and realize that my own FOO issues are why my h and I married.  We both had a hard home life and bonded over that among other things.

So in that way those foo issues led to this very place.

One Day-It breaks my heart that your father left and that is why you did not want children, only to be reinforced by your h’s actions.  I suppose our story is very common and that shakes my ability to trust again.  Time heals all wounds, but the scars run deep.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 06:44:28 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2019, 07:41:33 AM »
My divorce recovery class was last night.  Lawyers were there to answer questions and then we had our small group.  I am the resident ‘child’ of the group.  All of the ladies seem to see me as a daughter.  They mother me, give me cookies and hand me their number.  They all have grown kids and most of them are being cheated on, and left by their husbands.  Actually all of them, that I know of.  Some are filing themselves, but all are having this forced on them. 

Admittedly it sickens me, in some ways more than my own situation.  These women faithfully served their families all of these years and are now discarded for younger women.  They gave their youth to these men, and now that they are older, they are being thrown away.  I am younger and can start over(though having kids at home is a different kind of struggle).  These women are grandmas, the kind that hug you and would do anything for you.  It hurts my heart that life can be so cruel.

The few men in the group are quieter.  They don’t share as much and I don’t try to get to know them.  I do know they are in just as much pain.  One new man came last night.  His wife is cheating.  It turns out our spouses are good friends.  They used to have lunch together(before she was deployed).  Interestingly, my h always said he does not have time to go to lunch, that he eats at his desk. He showed me a picture of my h, himself and his wife at a military event.  I very much remember the event.  My h still lived at home.  He did not invite me to the event and said he needed to get a hotel room for the night, because he did not want to drive drunk.

I was not happy about being excluded from the event to begin with, let’s say him saying he was getting a room did not go over well.  I told him I could pick him up, or he could get a cab, but it was not ok for him to not come home.  He showed up at 3am.

Anyways, this man seemed to think it possible our spouses were in affairs, but I doubt it.  At best/or worst a side affair to the main entree.  They probably just meet up to talk MLC stuff, like how to cheat without getting kicked out of the military, or how to make your spouse as miserable as possible, or what to do if your spouse seems happy.  ;)  Anyways the man seemed to want to bond and I do feel for him.  I just got the impression he was wanting to get even and I’m not interested in returning an affair for an affair. 
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 08:05:17 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2019, 09:32:21 AM »
Oh, also the two main couples that run the divorce support group, met at divorce support group.  Neither dated during, but did chuckle it was not long after. 

I do not understand my h’s need to call me.  He has made it perfectly clear how little he cares for me in the last year and as recently as a week ago.  So why call regularly?  Sometimes it’s justified as it would take longer to text.  We still have so much tying us together.  Bills, a house, finances, coordinating the d, and co-parenting.  Seeing each other and speaking regularly is inevitable.

Last night he called to see if things worked out for d14.   She wanted to stay for an event after church, but it was too late for me to drive her home and get the littles to bed for school.  She asked her dad, he said no.  So he called at the time of the event to see what happened.  He could have called her, she has a cellphone.  He seems to find reasons to see me and speak to me. 

I have decided to be very careful during this divorce to both avoid him as much as possible, but also stay in good communication.  It is in my best interests to not go dim until the d is over.  Ultimately, us working together on the d saves lawyer fees and us getting along leaves a better chance for an easy settlement.  The lawyers last night say they see cases like mine all the time(him being military with ptsd) and they often end up not settling and having to go to court. 

I just don’t understand it.  I would prefer to be left alone if he is going to divorce me, cheat on me, and treat me badly.  I’m not sure if it’s guilt and he wants to be friendly, or if he is just lonely.  I’m in a tough spot because we are still so linked and I want the d to be civil. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2019, 04:58:29 PM »
FJ, I completely understand where you are coming from. When H was still living in this country, I still had regular contact with him. Not as much as you because we don't have kids but more than I probably needed/wanted.. But I took the same approach as you, kept things civil to have a drama free settlement.. even now where I would like to stop all contact, I do the formalities to keep the communication open just to we can get the remaining things settled..  I do hope things happen in a timely fashion for you but I wouldn't bet on it.. Shock sis mentioned this in her thread.. She didn't want her H and had her new life yet she knew divorce was the wrong thing to do so she dragged it out for 3 years I think? In the chaotic MLCer's head it probably makes sense.  ::)

I don't think you need to be a grandma to feel discarded. My H left me when I was 41 but I still felt discarded like an old rag. He traded me for a younger model, OW is 11 years younger than me and it really caused a massive dent to my self confidence. My IC and many of my friends keep talking about all the things I have going for me that would be very attractive for men.. And yet the only man I wanted, rejected me.. It has been a slow process but I have regained my self confidence back although I still have my moments!!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #15 on: September 19, 2019, 05:45:38 PM »
One Day!  For sure!  I feel discarded as well, I think it just seemed worse in some ways to me that these ladies were of a certain age.  But, it is just as hard for us in different ways.  Plus, who hurts a grandma....I don’t know.  My heart went out.

I guess contact is our only choice until the divorce is final.  I know if I move to text only, then when I need to talk to him I will not be able too.  Sometimes I absolutely need his help. 

I agree that my h is a lot like Shocks sister.  He seems pretty adamant about a divorce though.  She wasn’t, her husband wanted it.  My h is consumed with me not getting more of his pension(with each year I get another 2.5 percent) and is afraid of getting caught cheating at work(which at the least means a demotion).  Time will tell I guess.

Journaling-The beach was so nice today.  There was a nice breeze and the waves were crashing at my feet.  I love this time of year.  Also, the beach was practically deserted, all mine!

I need advice.  As stated I have to keep contact with my h and would prefer to keep it kind, but distant.  However, he can sense my detachment and when I am kind and polite he takes it a step further and tries to be buddies.  This happened tonight.  In his perfect world, I am fine, we are buddies and he can live consequence free. 

That said, I know it is not my responsibility to punish him or to fight this battle.  It is his to fight.  It really upset me though.  He calls everyday and today he joked and chit chatted.  It is intermingled with kid talk that needs to happen.  It takes a lot for me to be polite and the idea that he thinks we can be buddies does not sit well. 

I do wonder if it would be wise for me to just let it play out for the sake of an amicable divorce.  He will do a lot to be my ‘friend’ and ease his conscience.  I will admit, it made me feel hate toward him after getting off the phone.  I had to go outside and speak forgiveness. 

I guess he cannot win.  If he’s a monster I’m upset, if he tries to be best friends I’m upset.  So long as he is choosing this life, I prefer facts only in a polite way.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #16 on: September 19, 2019, 09:01:28 PM »
Quote
I guess he cannot win.
Cheaters never win, FJ!

Yeah, the buddy thing. "Let's just set aside for a minute the fact that I blew up our family, leaving a trail of pain and destruction. We can still be best friends, right?" Gaaaaah!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2019, 12:02:48 AM »
FJ,

Let's just say that you are in VERY good company..... From what I can tell, based on the accounts here, really high energy replayers seem to go full-on Monster while real Wallowers want to live in the basement, be BFF's and do whatever they want but are generally not all THAT nasty..... and there is the range in-between with the on-again, off-again Monster/BFF..... almost like schizophrenia...

I too have gotten the "We'll still be best friends, won't we?" tripe... I didn't even answer that one.... But I am SURE my face said enough....

As far as the communications go, when he wants to just "chat," you might need to do something, you know? "Oh sorry, I need to run. The kids need to wash their hair for school tomorrow...." If you have 4 kids, there are PLENTY of reasons to get off the phone with him and to limit the time speaking of things other than what needs to be spoken about.... An alternative is to just give the "Uh-huh... OK... Mm-hmm" kind of answers... If you don't reciprocate, he will likely loose interest in chatter pretty quickly.

I too however, worked HARD to have an amicable (for the kids) result from xW's D.... Now that it is over, I have reduced communication to dealing with kid stuff and that is all... No, xW, we will NOT be BFF's... First, I don't have friends that treat me the way I have been treated. Secondly, I know the way xW treated her "friends" and I am not interested. Thirdly, she doesn't WANT "friends." She wants enablers and accomplices and cheerleaders.... and that is NOT my idea of friendship....

« Last Edit: September 20, 2019, 12:04:23 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2019, 08:34:20 AM »
PJ, I truly do not understand the buddy thing.  Unfortunately I have many years of coparenting with my new buddy and will have to learn the dance of getting along.  I guess that’s good for my own personal growth though.  Always a positive.

UM, Yes!  Schizophrenia is exactly what it feels like.  He threatens me and is ugly and then he is buddy buddy.  I feel like it is a guilt thing. 

Those are great suggestions and truly I cannot just sit and chat like he can anyways, at least not without interruptions.  I completely agree with your take on friendship and could say all of those things about my h.  He does not want me as a friend, he wants me on board with his choices and for me to make it easy on him.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2019, 03:50:14 PM »
Today my h and I had a bit of a funny exchange(for me anyways).  He forgot to call before returning the kids and so I was not home. 

I had extra time on my hands today and got dressed up, just because.  Well, he stayed at the house with the kids until I got back and I could tell he thought I may have gone out with someone.  Really, I was running errands.  He is back to being super nice(we are best buds ::)). Anyways, I saw the look on his face when he got in his car.  He knows I am detaching further and he mentioned last week it would be tough to see the kids raised by someone else.  Ultimately it means nothing, I don’t see him changing his ways for sometime, but it was sort of nice to make him sweat.

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2019, 08:19:45 PM »
Quote
He knows I am detaching further and he mentioned last week it would be tough to see the kids raised by someone else.
This is where UM's tiny violin could come in handy... Really? He shouldn't have walked away then?  ???
I know you are not interested now FJ but you are young and if your H doesn't wake up in a reasonable time, you might get to a point where you decide to bring a new person to your life... and he will have to sick it up!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2019, 08:47:25 PM »
Yes!  A violin would be great!  He said it in away that meant he understand it would eventually happen.  So I guess he recognizes I will move on eventually and cares to some extent, but not enough to change his actions.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2019, 06:03:30 AM »

I had extra time on my hands today and got dressed up, just because.  Well, he stayed at the house with the kids until I got back and I could tell he thought I may have gone out with someone.  Really, I was running errands.  He is back to being super nice(we are best buds ::)). Anyways, I saw the look on his face when he got in his car.  He knows I am detaching further and he mentioned last week it would be tough to see the kids raised by someone else.  Ultimately it means nothing, I don’t see him changing his ways for sometime, but it was sort of nice to make him sweat.


Good for you! 

In 2017 I got hit going through an intersection when a young woman ran a red light because she was on her phone.  My suv was in the shop for three months so I was driving a rental car that her insurance had to pay for.   My MLCer drove in the yard to get some machinery from the back building and saw the car with Illinois (I live in a different state) plates and commented, "I see you have company from Illinois."    I just nodded and said something like, "Oh, I'm pretty busy these days."   ;)    I left it at that but it made me smile to think he was wondering who was at my house! 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #23 on: September 22, 2019, 06:34:43 AM »
Reality eventually bites us all doesn't it? Good and bad.
Most crisis folks do seem to be a bit taken aback when reality smacks them in the face, even when it is entirely predictable. I still remember my xh crying over how hard and stressful the divorce process was. How it was making his mental health worse. How it was creating distance between us and made it difficult for us to talk 'properly'. He filed, mind you  ::)....but it was as if it all came as a bit of a shock to him  ::)

Yes, you are a relatively young woman with a go-getting positive spirit. He is at best a semi-detached father who will probably be living hours away from his children. Pretty likely that there will be another male figure in the future who spends more time with them. Duh. But yes, the odd internal violin moment just does not seem to cut through the delusional fog at all. Sad, but how it is with them.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #24 on: September 22, 2019, 10:34:47 AM »
Stillbaffled,  Always nice to have a little laugh:). I try to tell mine as little as possible.  He should wonder.

The funny thing is, if he were in his right mind he would know as long as the divorce is not final, I would not go there.  Because my old h knew me.

Treasur-Too true!  He is creating all of this and he will eventually pay some very long term consequences in all likelihood!  Thank You Treasure for the compliment🤓
« Last Edit: September 22, 2019, 10:38:07 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2019, 05:04:16 AM »
By repeated request.....



As for making him sweat....


Bus to Hades, here I come...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2019, 06:19:47 AM »
Joy,
Just now catching up with you. I am so sorry that the coffee meet went badly. So much hate would be incredibly hard to deal with and while I do not know your H, it sounds to me like a lot of rage and anger at the world, God and life in general but since those are too broad to attack - he is taking it all out on you. And really, we are going to blame a 14 year old on the state of your life, dude ? How pathetic is that ?

Anyhow - if nothing else, it does seem that this put you on a new plane to detaching and all I can say is Good for you.

Isn't it crazy though how after he told you exactly how he rather lose all his assets than ever having to look at you again, he wants to be chummy and buddies on the phone ? Nope, that's not how that works. Would you stay friends with somebody that declared his hate for you ? I know, I wouldn't....they are just crazy in their little MLC bubbles.

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #27 on: September 24, 2019, 09:06:48 AM »
Thank You UM- Just what was needed;)

Schratz-You know, oddly, I am now thankful for that coffee date.  It did allow me to completely drop the rope!  I am in such a better place for it!

Journaling-To get off and on base you have to go through a guard gate.  I cannot tell you how many times in this past year I have had to dry my eyes and put on a fake smile for the guards.  After awhile they know you.  I have received so many pity looks from them, you cannot hide red puffy eyes.

But perhaps my coffee debacle was the best thing for me.  I dropped the rope.  Any thing that might cause me to want to pick it back up again, I avoid.  Oddly this includes too much hope in a particular outcome.  The thing with me, I am too optimistic of a person.  It got me into so much trouble for many months.  I was unable to be hopeful and detach, which is why over the last many months I have begun to let go of hope.

Don’t get me wrong, I have hope, in Christ alone.  I have faith in His perfect will.  I have trust, that He will take care of me(and I will do my part).  I know I will be ok with or without my h.

A passing thought went through my head two days ago.  It was, you are single and alone, but I noticed it did not stick this time.  Without a trying, I did not let that thought stay.  I am no longer in victim mode.  I do not chose it.  I also wonder if this process has not healed other parts of my heart.  I do not feel a void.  I think this MLC forced me to look deep, evaluate and heal old wounds as well.

It forced me to figure out who I am and who I want to be.  To let go of parts of me that were not helpful or unnecessary.  To live a much more present life.

Healing has many layers and I know more layers will be torn away.  This next couple of years will have so many challenges.  I will need to face them one at a time.

I found myself humming a happy tune as I grocery shopped today.  Smiling genuinely instead of forced at random people.  For today I will not wipe away tears as I return home.  I am stronger than I ever was before this MLC, I am a better person, more compassionate.  I have a stronger faith and a better attitude.  I am in fact finding joy in the little things, but also strength I never knew I had and a peace that passes understanding.

I am detached enough to both have compassion on my h, recognize he has mental health issues, but also let him deal with them. 

I am willing to be kind, polite, distant, and listen.  I will not be throwing truth bombs.  I daily give my h to God.  I am letting God fight this battle for me.  From my perspective it is actually a battle for his soul, regardless of the marital outcome.

This morning on the way to school, after dropping the littles, my big kids made some comments.  A conversation started, I said, you know your Dad loves you, and they said not enough.  Both agreed, he did not love any of us enough not to leave.  I honestly did not know what to say.  I said he is going through some things and I am sorry that it is hurting them.

I have not closed the door to reconciliation, but I am open to another outcome.  I have however let him go for now....possibly forever.


Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #28 on: September 24, 2019, 12:58:32 PM »
Woooooo!!!! FJ!!!!!

Wow!!!

Strong woman, strong woman. Amazing how tough you are.
I hope he comes to his senses, but I'm very impressed.... about letting go and letting God fight this for you. Super awesome...... and fight he will, better than you can.

Very impressive.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #29 on: September 26, 2019, 11:54:50 AM »
I am feeling very whole lately.  I am alone, but not lonely.  Happy and content in my single(yet married status).  I do not need anything to make me content, I have everything I need already.

This has brought on a change in my dealings with my h.  I do not need him, expect him to come home, or need to punish him.

I am finally to a place where I can just be when it comes to him.  I am typically a cheerful person(and am becoming so again).  I feel like I have found myself again.  When I get on the phone with him or see him in person, his presence does not effect me.

I do not tell him my business, but I can be around him and not pretend.  I was being kind and polite towards him, I added listening and now I am able to be cheerful.  Because that is how I feel.  Not because of him, but in-spite of him.  Now that I am no longer in so much pain, I have more compassion on him.

The thing is, I think I have forgiven him.  I speak the words everyday.  I speak them over individual betrayals, the(possible) divorce, him as a whole.  Admittedly the list used to be long.  Now, I do not think much on his betrayals, on me raising the kids alone, on the pain he has caused.  I’m sure I will need to continue to forgive...

I am so thankful I did the work and continue to do the work of healing and moving forward.  This site and the people on it are a huge part of that!

Also, I realize something.  We sometimes wonder if we have it in us to reconcile if given the chance.  So many variables have to work out in order for it to happen.  I realize now that without the mirror work we would not be ready for any new relationship, with our spouse, or with another.

I now recognize that if my h tried to come home, I have the capacity to easily take(the changed version of him) back.  Because I am healing, because I am strong, because I do not find my worth in him or his actions, I am whole without him.

Just as easily, I have the capability to move on if he divorces me.  My healing is not based on the outcome.  Him divorcing me versus reconciliation is harder(on my kids), it would not be my choice. 

The truth is, the more healed I am, the more willing I am to take him back.  Because I want a whole family for myself and my kids, because I do have the capacity to chose love and forgiveness, because God hates divorce(but he does not hate the divorcee) and because in my opinion it could break my husband forever if he loses his family.  I saw it happen to his Mom. 

On the other hand, if he divorces me, and my heart is completely healed, I will not actively look for a relationship, but it will come.  Because when you’re happy and living life, it is a powerful force. 

I wondered if I would ever be happy again.  For you newbies, the answer for me is Yes!  I still have a lot of yuck to muck through, but I have peace and contentment.

Something I did not always have before bd.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #30 on: September 26, 2019, 05:20:26 PM »
My h is still calling most days, even for little things.  I was thinking that it was mostly monster for the first 6 months, then half and half and now mostly nice and sometimes monster.

He called today to get a breakfast casserole recipe.  I couldn’t help but think, I thought you would spend every dime we had not to have to interact with me, but 2 weeks later he is calling for recipes.  I don’t know, I guess friendly is good for coparenting.

Then again, I do make yummy breakfast quiche, so maybe that overrode his hatred ;)
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #31 on: September 26, 2019, 05:35:26 PM »
Joy,

You have found you.....
Her heart is beautiful....I like her very much. And I can tell so do you.

This makes my heart happy for you.

❤️
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #32 on: September 26, 2019, 11:13:58 PM »
You sound really good FJ. Feeling detached and no longer expecting a particular outcome is a good place to be. And that might be why your H is actually becoming nicer. My H was never really a monster but could say very hurtful things. Once he saw I gave up the fight, he became very nice. I was able to keep my distance as we don't have kids but certainly any interaction we had was quite friendly until he moved abroad
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #33 on: September 27, 2019, 05:03:19 AM »
Hello,

Quote
He called today to get a breakfast casserole recipe.

My ex did the same thing. Of course, she was her sneaky self. She asked my youngest daughter while she was visiting for Christmas to take my recipes from my box. I saw her and asked and when she told me, I responded, "Your mother can call me and ask. I can scan my recipes for her and keep the originals." She put the recipes back.

If she had just asked like a normal person, I would have given them to her.

I am glad your h is in a different place and that may be because you are in a different place. Often, it is the vibe we give that sets them off or the humidity or possibly the moon phase. It also could be cycling on his part as he goes back and forth in what remains of his tiny brain- especially the realization that you may be or will be with someone else.

Just don't get sucked into his tiny mind and continue to find the comfort in being just you with your own children. Living life and enjoying yourself. That's really detaching and letting go.

Now that doesn't mean you can't be a little feisty.

"Oh, an the last thing I add to the casserole mix before I bake it is a tablespoon of cayenne pepper. " 

Let him have a mouthful of that!

((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #34 on: September 27, 2019, 12:32:54 PM »
Courage-Thank You!  I really appreciate that!!

One Day-I believe you’re right.  He can tell I’m detaching and he wants to be cordial so long as it costs him nothing:). It’s good to know your h also did that.  It helps with expectations!

Ready-I love the idea of a tablespoon of cayenne, so long as he only chokes a little;). You are right, I am detached and so he is comfortable around me. 

Journaling-I just had an interesting lunch.  So, apparently other people at my church that are only acquaintances have noticed how crazy my h looks in church.  This person had no clue of my story, and asked someone who does know my story if we are ok.  She of course said, why don’t the three of us do lunch as it is not my place to say.

She and her husband (whom she says is oblivious to everything) noticed how hardened my h was.  How he shakes during service, his mannerisms, and just the appearance that he hates God(and me). 

She was concerned that I may be being abused and I believe she thinks my husband is possessed.  Anyways I told her my story over lunch.  The other lady that was at lunch is an amazing person.  She reached out to me many months ago during my darkest hours.  She goes to a different church, but we knew each other through a coop.  Anyways she works at a church and she and another pastor met me for an un-timed counseling session.  I did not ask for it, she and he volunteered their time.

It was the single largest act of compassion I have ever been shown.  They just listened to me and pointed me back to Christ for three hours.  It could have gone on all day had I not been done.  They gained nothing, it was just selflessness.  The experience made me want to be that kind of person for someone.

I digress.  God laid my family on both of these ladies hearts and neither knew me originally.  It felt really good to know I am not alone(as all of my friends live elsewhere).  Also, today I made two new friends and they are such amazing women.  They want to do Friday lunch a couple of times a month.

It felt good to have more validation that my h is just not right, but he has to help himself ultimately.  Goodness, it’s not every day someone wonders if your spouse is possessed. 
« Last Edit: September 27, 2019, 12:34:25 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #35 on: September 27, 2019, 07:54:25 PM »
Joy, when my xh came out of the MLC closet he acted and looked completely crazy.  My sister, who is very active in her church and ministry came and blessed our house at the time and implored all evil spirits to flee.  It wasn't long after that xh filed for the D and left to be with OW.  He was possessed by selfishness and maybe not literally by the devil, but still evil nonetheless.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #36 on: September 27, 2019, 08:58:24 PM »
Beyond-Yes, I think mine just comes off as crazy as well, at least sometimes.  I like that!!!  Possessed with selfishness for sure ::)
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #37 on: September 28, 2019, 12:37:49 AM »
I am glad, FJ, that you have received kind and unjudmental support from people of faith. Sadly it isn't always the case.

I believe in God but I am rather less certain about the idea of the devil or indeed possession. Which in some ways is a bit illogical. But early on a priest who knows us both called it 'the darkness' and I found that made sense to me. I could feel the difference between light and dark in a way that I didn't feel the presence of the Devil as I felt the presence of God if that makes sense. The temptation to lean towards the darkness in myself at times. The feeling of darkness that my then h carried with him like a perfume. Y'know those times when you can feel something that you can't always put into words? And what I like about it is that the feeling of darkness makes just as much sense to people who don't subscribe to any kind of religious beliefs and might find other reasons for it.

I think we can all feel the darkness in someone though just as we sometimes can feel the light...we don't have to know what it is to feel it. Interestingly my xh, when he was still trying to wrestle it perhaps, said that he was fighting his 'demons'...although post BD he no longer believed in God. Strange.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #38 on: September 28, 2019, 08:13:25 AM »
Treasur-I completely agree with your assessment.  It is certainly a struggle between good and bad, light and dark.  I do believe it is a Spiritual battle.  My h is a different person, in a bad way.  I really do not know what exactly causes this.  I do know, there is a battle for my husband’s soul.  He has not said he does not believe in God, but rather he curses God and is angry at Him.

Journaling-I was thinking today about all of the mistakes I made in the last year.  All of the things I did to push my h further away.  Perhaps I would do things differently if given the chance, but I accept my choices as me doing the best I could.

There are so many times I spoke when I should not have, I poked and prodded.  The thing is, it made things worse for our relationship, but I think me telling him exactly how I felt(many times), was better for me.  I do not think I would be as healed as I am if I had not walked the path the way I did.

I was emotional, I was angry, I felt the pain fully, I wailed and lashed out.  I looked despair in the face.  I often times did not hold back all of my opinions about him.  Here’s the thing, I’m not sure I regret it, because it is what I needed for my healing.

So I accept my mistakes, my shortcomings, and my failures of the past year.  I accept that while he needs to walk through his stuff, I needed to deal with the pain he inflicted in my own way.

It would be very difficult for an lbs to take an MLCer back unless they have also done the work of healing and forgiveness.  I was not able to heal and pretend with him.  I was not able to wear a mask.  Looking back, I should have gone very dim much earlier as I would have said and done so much less, but I wonder, if I had not expressed those feelings, would I still be struggling with them.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Father5

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #39 on: September 28, 2019, 09:25:41 AM »
FJ,

From what I have read you have handled yourself with such grace It is inspiring.
I wish I could go back and not say some things that I did. But I was hurt and angry also and didn't know anything about MLC.

  It's easy to play Monday morning quarter back but we did the best we could with what we were facing at the time.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #40 on: September 28, 2019, 10:01:43 AM »
Speaking (ha ha pun  :) ) as someone who was ignored so my voice had nowhere to go really, I think that voice turned inward and became depression and then PTSD....so yes, I suspect your instinct about your own healing is right FJ. It makes sense to me anyway. And the tough truth is that pretty much by then they are unreachable, they kind of don't hear us, so as long as you stayed away from violence or relentless abuse or anything super crazy (and I'm sure you did), it would not have made a difference to your h's path imho. Detachment is not just about protecting us from being damaged by them, it is also about removing ourselves as an object for them to fight with and blame....with time, if they recover, anecdotal evidence suggests they remember that in a positive way. We couldn't help but we did things to avoid adding more damage.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #41 on: September 28, 2019, 02:17:36 PM »
Father-So true, it’s easy after the fact.  I did not know either for the first many months, but even after I did know, it took me so long to be able to follow the rules.  In my dark hours I would beg and plead, and sometimes tell him what I thought of his choices!

Treasure-Nice pun🤓. No, I was never out of control like that.  Just giving my opinion or chasing him when it only drove him away.  I truly struggled to not think of him as my confidant for a very long time.  It was like continually touching a hot stove, getting burned and the doing it again.  No matter how many times I got burned, I still did it again.  I think because I was in shock and disbelief that this was my husband.  I truly could not accept it.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #42 on: September 28, 2019, 11:22:00 PM »
Gosh, I remember that feeling of wanting to talk to him. Things would happen, good or bad, and it made no sense that I couldn't just chat to my person bc he had been my first person for so many years. It was deeply shocking to me both that I couldn't and that he evidently didn't feel that need too. I had a LOT of conversations with him in my head. I wrote letters never sent bc the need to talk to him was so big. It has faded with time, but truthfully not entirely gone. But I also knew instinctively that the person who wounded you without care can't be the person to help you heal...I stopped telling my h anything about my feelings about anything at the end of 2016 when I saw the shark eyes and knew that nothing about my real self mattered to him at all.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #43 on: September 29, 2019, 03:06:18 PM »
Treasur-It took me a good while.  I’m not sure why, but quite some time.  I had always considered him my best friend before the deployment.  He says I have not been his best friend in years.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #44 on: September 29, 2019, 04:55:35 PM »
I am coming up on the one year anniversary date of my bd(at least the big bomb drop).  There was a bomb drop 6 months prior, that he was unhappy and we needed counseling.  At the time, I just did not get the magnitude of what he was saying because I was too busy working on our house, preparing to move across the country, raising 4 kids etc.  I was overwhelmed.  So I don’t know, I sort of count it in the timeline, but my life changed with bd2.  That is when my real grief began.

Anyways as the one year anniversary approaches and I am more healed, I have more compassion and detachment.  I am better able to see things from the outside and though I am doing my best to keep the rope on the floor, I guess I am also more willing to have a bit of hope.

Because I can handle hope now without reattaching.  I can handle hope without pushing.  I can have a bit of hope without expectations that that hope will be realized.

I find myself loving my husband and wanting to have compassion and grace for what he is walking through.  Even if our outcome is divorce and we never reconcile.

He has not yet hired a lawyer, or seen one.  I look at the divorce as a 90-100 percent likelihood because unless we are 100 percent reconciled in the next 20 months, I will not leave the state without one for financial reasons.

So, I guess technically I’m a stander, but a stander with an acceptance for either outcome, the willingness to file if needed, and a timetable.

I have realized lately that I do not have any questions for my husband.  I do not need anything from him, but repentance to reconcile.  I do not need explanations or to understand, because I will never understand.  I do not need details.  I need actions.  Consistent actions and transparency.  I need truth at all times.  I need commitment and a willingness to rebuild.  These things take time, but I see them as doable if he were willing. 

So, almost 1 year in, my heart has turned to a prayerful observer versus a 🎢 roller coaster companion.  I’m also looking forward to this next year, even if I have to walk through a divorce, there is much joy to be found in this life.



« Last Edit: September 29, 2019, 05:24:20 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #45 on: September 29, 2019, 11:03:48 PM »
Tonight I had a conversation with my kids that made me proud of my actions.  I have done my best not to ever talk negatively about their father(to them), and when they say something I either keep quiet or encourage some empathy. 

I have encouraged the kids to pray for their father and recognize he is struggling.  I have also encouraged forgiveness for their sake, but have not pushed them toward him.  That is up to them.

Anyways tonight the older kids started bashing him some.  Saying why does he bother to make the littles go to visitation sense he is so grumpy with them.  I did not speak.  They basically wanted me to agree with them, but I try to stay neutral.

They actually said, how is it fair that Dad has acted like he hates you, but you will not talk bad about him in front of us.  I just said, it wouldn’t be right for me to talk bad about their father with them around.

My d14 then says, ya, you’re right because that’s what good people do.  She said it in a backhanded way against her father, but I took it as a compliment.  I pray someday their father is whole again and that my children’s wounds can heal.  That they can have a good relationship with their father in the future.
« Last Edit: September 29, 2019, 11:05:27 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #46 on: September 30, 2019, 02:10:03 PM »
FJ....kids are much more in tune and smarter in a lot of ways than adults.  We tend to overthink and stress about the "right" way to handle things, but kids just put it out there....just like we all did at that age.  Now, through good intentions, we wrongly try to sugar coat and smooth the rough edges of life, which has done nothing more than raise the next generations of snowflakes and potential MLC'ers and teach them to placate to other's $h!tety behaviors and treatment.

I'm all in favor of you continuing to take the high road to keep your own dignity and integrity in tact, so long as you always make it known that your H's choices and behaviors only reflect upon him and are not acceptable behaviors for your kids to display themselves or dismiss arbitrarily from him just because he is their father.  It sounds as though you do this with them, and clearly your D sees it for herself.   He isn't fooling anyone but himself.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #47 on: September 30, 2019, 04:34:27 PM »
Beyond- Oh, they know.  We are very conservative so his actions stand out in every way for my kids.  I just don’t want to be the mom who talks bad about their kid’s Dad(to them).  They see it on their own.  They have connected the dots without me badmouthing and recognize the behavior as wrong and immature.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #48 on: October 01, 2019, 09:34:50 AM »
I started to feel some anxiety today about all that has to get done in the coming year.  Thankfully I know the trick is to just focus on today’s tasks and remind myself, one day at a time.

Still it reminded me of how much the kids and I will have to endure because of his selfishness.  I’m not focusing on it now, but those emotions still surface.

My first two tests towards my Florida teachers licensure don’t seem too bad.  Basically one is for k-6 certification and one is special ed.  I have been passing the pre tests, but will work through both study books this month just to make sure I do well. 

The idea of working next year and raising these kids is overwhelming to me.  They are used to being able to do a sport each, extra events, me being at all school functions, the oldest play an instrument each,  and they do choir and Awanas etc at church.  Between running them, keeping house, homework etc, I just cannot imagine things being able to stay the same. 

It hurts because I don’t want them to lose anything else.  It is going to be a huge adjustment for them as they were all homeschooled all of these years and were involved in everything under the sun.  We had so many friend groups and flat out, they had a good life.  Once I start working I will be too busy to give them those extras.  I will be stretched really thin.  Also, who knows what I will be able to afford.

It was always agreed I would go back to work part time(maybe 3 days a week).  So me raising 4 kids alone and working full time does feel like a betrayal.  He has so little family responsibility now, I would not trade places, it’s just going to be hard.

I am thankful though that the public schools get out before my kids schools, so I should be able to pick them up without aftercare.  I just keep reminding myself, one day at a time.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #49 on: October 01, 2019, 09:49:28 AM »
FJ,
You're going to show them what a mom can do to take care of her family.
That's a powerful message and lesson for your kids (what selfless acts look like).

They will come to not only understand and appreciate it, but it will blow their minds later.

You're doing awesome.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #50 on: October 01, 2019, 10:39:41 AM »
Here's some other possibilities FJ....they get to enjoy the social benefits and maybe some great new teachers with a different style in their new schools, they get to see a mum who is more than just a mum but also a person as they get older, they get to be treated as more responsible young adults in training who are respected as part of a family pulling together to work out what to stop, start and continue, they get to see what it looks like to deal with life adversity with grace, maybe they learn some new life skills like laundry or cooking which might even be more useful in their adult lives than some of the other activities they do now.....keep adding your own ideas HERE lol....

Yes it will be different. Yes there will be some juggling and some constraints. But yes too that you keep your family growing and learning together...while your h in reality will lose all of you as his family, at least for a while.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #51 on: October 01, 2019, 03:59:13 PM »
Thank you SS!

Treasur, Yes, it will certainly bring new skills to the table.  We do have to act as a team for sure.  There is always an upswing.  D14 and s12 homeschooled their whole life, so they have domestic chores down pact.  S12 makes his extra cash by cleaning out my car and mowing:) D14 bakes, cooks, and even sews(actually really well, she’s made 2 quilts).  But, you’re right they will learn from this, both good and bad.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #52 on: October 03, 2019, 11:57:12 AM »
I’m starting to think as much as my MLCer monstered for months that, “we will be divorced by May 31.”  He may pull the typical MLC divorce that drags on.

So far he has done nothing.  Then again, if we do mediation it may not take long.  I think out of site out of mind will go a long way towards him not bothering to rush things.  I’m better off with him waiting until the end of summer, or you know coming out of the fog and not divorcing me at all.

It’s such a mess.  If he does not divorce me by fall, I will have to divorce him unless he cut the replay timeline way down and wants to reconcile...  If only.  Or do I want him, who knows anymore.

I really prefer not to have a divorce on my conscience.  Then again, I prefer to be able to protect and provide for my family and so will do what is needed. 

He is sticking to his friendly contact.  He is distancing though.  He calls 1 to 2 times a week to chat about kids etc.  A few weeks back when he was supposed to be scheduling meetings with lawyers I mentioned us just sharing a lawyer.  We could ask questions collectively and individually.  We intend to mediate and only need a lawyer for a few complicated matters.

He never answered and has not mentioned it since.  I think something changed a bit when he thought I was on a date last week.  Not, I want her back, but, I better keep her on the shelf.  I guess the next few months will tell.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #53 on: October 04, 2019, 09:18:28 AM »
Awesome FJ  ;D

Yes.... let him spin (picture a office swivel chair, H on it, and it's spinning)..... round and round he'll go, he'll get dizzy, climb off, and then climb back on.
I don't think it's us they care about, it's all about the ride. He's not going to be thinking about D while yelling "Weeeeeeeee!!!".

Doing great!!! Keep going!!

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #54 on: October 04, 2019, 03:50:43 PM »
SS, Yes, he is too busy being ‘in love’ to worry too much about a divorce.  I can tell by how he’s acting that he thinks he’s fallen for her.  Hopefully he is too busy swirling around to worry about following through with the d.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #55 on: October 04, 2019, 07:05:56 PM »
Oh he's one of those ones...... Sorry FJ, that must be very painful and tiring.

When he pops out of it, he's going to have some really terrible soul searching to do.

 :(

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #56 on: October 05, 2019, 08:50:21 AM »
SS, Yes one of those.  Indifferent to me at this point and completely into whoever his ow2 is.  Still won’t admit to her of course.  The evidence has shown up enough that I know she is there.  Honestly, by getting him to hold off a year on the divorce(he wanted it immediately after bd), I think Monster has significantly calmed down.  So, I’m hopeful that he will just forget the d for a bit and focus on his rainbows and unicorns. 🌈  🦄

So I leave him alone and he is friendly when he contacts, but distant.  I am the same with him.
« Last Edit: October 05, 2019, 08:51:30 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #57 on: October 05, 2019, 08:32:32 PM »
Joy,
No matter how detached it’s painful to watch your spouse do this. I’m sorry you have to experience it. I think the “we r soooo in lurve” is a good way to set yourself up for a bigger fall. After all to project that you have A) feel that it’s off from the beginning, B) be so insecure that must must gaslight yourselves and others c) be crazy enough to do that, d) make sure that everyone knows so your fall out is more public and your shame and exposure even greater.

Bless his heart.
(That’s a southern statement, that emphatically DOES NOT mean bless his heart.

Indifferent people do not monster, they do not abandon their kids, they do not fall in lurve, indifferent people do not suddenly stop pursuing the divorce they said they wanted....whatever he is.....it certainly isn’t indifferent. 🤣

Besides....it’s quiet on your front because the MLCer has found a drama lama to create all sorts of melodramatics with....now you get to be the calm one.

I heard a bit of this first hand....I promise someone is getting monstered......if it isn’t you...it’s the OW...I was told some of the things H said to OW...just rude.

Sounds like a great time to create some memories with the kids. Maybe find a fun hobby. I have a friend that’s going to tech a group of us to make a scrub caps!
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #58 on: October 06, 2019, 05:18:03 AM »
Courage-For the last few weeks monster has stopped and he seems indifferent to me.  He does not get upset.  I found out yesterday he is moving forward with the d, so my hope that he would be distracted with ow was in vain.

I wonder when this stops hurting so much?!  I’m ready for that part.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #59 on: October 06, 2019, 08:09:59 AM »
Hello,

The pain is going to come and go. It fades and seems to go away, but it never fully goes away. But don't feel you need to focus on the pain or your h's actions, feelings, or decisions. He is on his journey and it can take a real long time. As I posted, my ex seems to be leaving the tunnel after nine and a half years.

That's a long time and I am not sure if she has confronted all the demons of her past.

You have come a far ways and I feel as if the past few weeks, he has pulled you back some. Maybe more consistent calls to you about normal stuff. Maybe just stopping by.  A little bit of normalcy from them can suck you right back in. Especially if they are trying to keep you on the shelf.

Also, you seemed really busy this summer and now you've hit a lull as you put your plans together and try to move forward. Life isn't go go go everyday. It seems to be bursts of high output followed by periods nothingness.

Also, I have sensed that the anger in you has subsided a bit. Not bitter anger towards him, but the anger to pull you and your family out of the fire. The force to move ahead despite him. As you have realized that you and your family can thrive without him, the survival mode ceases and the reflective mode sets in. After all, we live forward and understand backwards.

Just continue to focus on him and enjoy your life with your children. It will be a great time to build even stronger bonds with them as you work together. You are an amazing wife and mother and don't let him make you question your own worth.

Have a great day,

((((Ready)))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #60 on: October 06, 2019, 02:54:24 PM »
Ready-Thank you, the tears are flowing lately.  I appreciate the encouragement and advice.  Yes, this school year is much more about routines, homework, chores and hauling kids.  Not as much time for extra curricular activities.  He would be surprised how much I am not on the shelf if he divorces me.

Journaling-I had hoped my husband would hold off on the d, but he went lawyer shopping, which means I need to as well.  He seems to want to work more through lawyers so he doesn’t have to deal with me and yet calls semi regularly for mundane things.  I much prefer to work together to save money, but hey, according to him, it’s all his money anyways.  It’s worth $250 an hour to avoid me.

It hurts.  It just does.  After a year he still seems to have no feelings for me at all.  He was at church this morning and his body language still said, I hate you.  Someone in my single parent group(the Physical Therapist with 6 kids) gave me a hard time about me and h sitting together.  He asked if ow ever joins us😂. I just laughed, he knows I’m hoping to reconcile, but it is so awkward.  H always ends up right next to me and turns his body away from me.  I was just happy and enjoyed myself, but you should have seen the look on his face when he got a piece of gum and I smiled and stuck out my hand.  😂😂😂. You would think I had asked for his kidney.  I half asked for my own amusement.

Future self reminder -Do not poke the bear.

I told him I forgive him today.  Not for him, but for me.  After church I stuck on a pair of cut offs and a tank top, h just now stopped by, it felt good that he did a double take and actually said goodbye.  That said, more and more I feel like I am less about looking good for him, and more about looking and feeling good for myself.

Still, its always nice to show him what he’s missing, even if I am back and forth on if I would ever let him back into my life again.  I have pretty much decided that my smartest move is to just be friendly no matter what.  We have a d to get through and kids to raise.  So I am doing my best to ignore some of the stupid things he says and just smile.

The vindictive part of me would love to see the look on his face when I have someone who does appreciate me by my side(in a couple of years), but you know, I try not to let that side out much ::)

He seems to believe going before a judge is his best option.  If he does not get his head on straight he is going to waste all of our hard earned money.  Divorcing someone who is not quite right is going to be a ride...not the good kind.
« Last Edit: October 06, 2019, 03:23:53 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #61 on: October 07, 2019, 07:34:42 AM »
Divorce is such an odd process.  I don’t want it, but if it’s going to happen, I just want it done.  He is making such a mistake in rushing to divorce me.  Or at least I feel like he will regret it.  So long as we are married I will not date or even become too friendly with men.

The truth is, I’m just not sure how long I will wait after a divorce.  I am naturally an outgoing person.  I am fun loving and the truth is I love life.  I’m trying to be loyal and hold our family together, but him divorcing me may be the end for me.  I’m trying desperately to cling to the idea of our family being whole.  More and more he has less of me.  Less respect, less trust, less reasons for me to hold on.

I will not try to date, I will not actively look.  But, the longer he is in replay the better the chance I will meet someone and naturally build a relationship.  I enjoy being alone, but miss having someone.

It’s been so long(4 years) since I had my old husband.  I want to be appreciated and loved.  I feel taken for granted and misunderstood.  I see the shell of a person he is and I have compassion, but him divorcing me will likely cause me to move on.  I will do my best to guard my heart and keep to my plan of waiting a year after the d(at least). 

He seems to want a divorce more than he cares about keeping me on any shelf.  My husband’s heart seems too far gone from me.  I do wonder if I’m clinging to a dead horse.  He even said the other day that he thinks a divorce will remove any faint hope I have and help me to move on.  So obviously that’s what he wants.  There is no doubt he will regret it eventually, but regret does not help anyone.  Only actions matter.  If he truly cared about me, about us, he would not be putting us through this hell.

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #62 on: October 07, 2019, 07:45:18 AM »
Some do seem to see the divorce as a kind of magic wand, FJ. Even the same ones who then drag their feet when the practical consequences of a divorce start to become obvious....or even act a bit surprised that these exist lol.

Right now your h thinks being divorced will make him feel better/happier. And he doesn't care what you think or how much that costs anyone else. Time will tell if that works out to be so for him...mostly it seems it doesn't as reality bites with time. Impossible for you to know bc of course you don't actually really know what is going on in his head and there were a whole bunch of missing conversations.....but as you rightly say, his actions create effects right?

If it helps, MLC trumps divorce and divorce does not seem to prevent reconnection necessarily either. Maybe they see both marriage and divorce as both just bits of paper? Idk.  And many old timers here often say that divorcing earlier (painful as it is) would have been better for them as LBS financially and prevented them from being stuck in a kind of life limbo for quite as long as they were.

But how you feel about moving forward sounds healthy and normal and honest to me. If it turns out that your h made a terrible mistake and you make a new happy life without him? Well, I guess that will be his loss and lesson to figure out. I have no doubt though that you and the kids will be just fine, just a different kind of fine.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 07:50:11 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #63 on: October 07, 2019, 07:12:04 PM »
Quote
And many old timers here often say that divorcing earlier (painful as it is) would have been better for them as LBS financially and prevented them from being stuck in a kind of life limbo for quite as long as they were.
Not sure I qualify as an old-timer, but this was my experience. I don't regret standing, but I would have been better off financially for sure and would have spent less time in limbo. Even though my divorce is only a couple weeks old (so take it with a grain of salt), divorce has been far easier than limbo was. Being rejected sucks, but being cheated on sucked more.

So, my view from the recently-divorced section is not to fear the D word. It's terrible, but I think you'll find it less terrible than what you're going through now. You've clearly been doing a lot of the hard work already. You'll be just fine when you finally make it through the wringer.

Happy to supply you with a happy, motivating thought for the day!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #64 on: October 08, 2019, 02:43:37 AM »
I'm adding my voice to what PJ wrote... D-Date was 30 August and it was dreadfully anti-climatic, all things considered. And, for me, it was just burying the coffin that had already been nailed shut...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #65 on: October 08, 2019, 09:12:47 AM »
Treasur, I asked him the other day if he thought a divorce would make him happy, he said he does not see himself happy for some time.  He said a divorce will allow him to move on.  Maybe he means have OW move in with him.  He could not do that while married due to the military.  He isn’t thinking clearly, but he has weighed the cost(me and the kids) and has chosen himself.

I do think there is a loud voice in his head saying run, be free, live for yourself.  I will give him that.  But, when people talk as if they are completely looney and do not know what they are doing.  I think he knows exactly what he is doing, but has no empathy for us, he only cares for himself.

PJ, I do agree that being divorced will make things easier for me as far as limbo goes.  I prefer to stay married because it keeps me from moving on.  Once divorced, I’m unsure how much self discipline I will have to wait around on a man who may never come back.  Financially I am better off staying married as well, but having all of the stress of the what ifs off of my shoulders will be a good thing.  Also, feeling free from any obligation to him and being able to make my own decision about whether I will take him back or not, without feeling the obligation of my marital commitment is an upside.  I just don’t want this, but none of us do and we carry on.

UM-I think that’s what I’m afraid of.  I want to wait and give him time to come back, as it’s only been 1 year since bd.  The problem is, I’m healing quickly and I think I might be ready to move on well before he is out of replay.  This partly because he has only partially been around for the two years before bd, and not at all for the deployment.  So I’m ready to live and have fun, but I am trying to keep my heart on hold for him.  I’m trying to hold myself back.  That is easy to do while married because it would go against my beliefs to date while married.  The problem is, he is divorcing me, I am probably going to be pretty healed by the time it goes through based on how I feel now.  The divorce takes away a safe guard to my heart.  So it will be a daily battle for me to try and wait on him after it goes through rather than move on.  In groups I laugh now and have fun.  That naturally draws others towards me as I am becoming whole and happy which is an attractive force.

Truly this is why I set out to wait 3 years from bd.  Because I knew I would want to move on before then.  For me it will be about self discipline, because I feel I owe it to my marriage to wait the 3 years and then I can move on with a clear conscience.  Feel like I gave it my all. 

I Just don’t want to move on and shortly after he tries to come home.  It’s all so ridiculously unfair.  He should be here meeting my needs, treating me right, being a faithful husband.  I feel like a great weight is put on the LBS to hold the family together(we put it on ourselves), and it seems at times an impossible burden.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #66 on: October 08, 2019, 02:17:22 PM »
FJ....one year into this is nothing in the grand scheme of time.  Even if he did decide to return (and that's a mighty big IF), it would still be years of your lives hanging in the same uncertain balance they are right now.  As difficult as this may seem now, I could not imagine having an uncooked, unchanged MLC'er living under my roof.  There are a few stories of it on here, and it doesn't sound pleasant at all. 

I know you desperately want him to wake up, but that isn't how this works.  You have got to let him go do what he feels he must or his chances of making it through this become even slimmer.  A piece of paper didn't save your marriage from ending and another piece of paper won't prevent a reconciliation,  if that's what's meant to be.

You say you have a great faith in God, so take this mess and place it with Him in your faith.  God will never take something from you that He doesn't intend to replace with something better.  Notice that I said something and not someone.  I believe that there is always a purpose for our pain, and that we do not navigate and survive it on our own strength and merits.  Trust that whatever happens, whether it be divorce or reconciliation, that you and your kids are being looked after and will just fine.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #67 on: October 08, 2019, 02:43:47 PM »
He isn’t thinking clearly, but he has weighed the cost(me and the kids) and has chosen himself.

I do think there is a loud voice in his head saying run, be free, live for yourself.  I will give him that.  But, when people talk as if they are completely looney and do not know what they are doing.  I think he knows exactly what he is doing, but has no empathy for us, he only cares for himself.


Hey FJ!!!!

I don't know if it's this way for all them, but since my W is "mostly" normal at the moment, I was asking questions about this one night (hey, if you've got the chance... GO FOR IT!!!!)  ;)

W said when she was in Shark-eyes mode..... yes she knew everything she was doing.... and now she still knows what she was thinking and feeling. Interesting right? Especially with all the memory loss that was going on during Shark-Eyes (which she has no memory of..... LOL!!!!!).
Anyway.... she described the experience as instinct, pure instinct. All her instincts and feelings said go left and her brain was saying "what are you doing? Go right". For the most part, she went left.... and that's when she was bad. When she started fighting, then she went right but all the while the instinct was still yelling to go left (and I guess still is).
Don't know if that helps us, but I can sorta empathize with a vague understanding of what it's like.

You're doing awesome!!!

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #68 on: October 08, 2019, 03:52:36 PM »
Beyond Blessed, I do trust that either way God will take care of us.  I also believe that an intact marriage is the best case scenario.

Much like adoption.  I was taken in by a family as a child, and they are great.  That said, I had many, many wounds from my bio family.  So God took care of me, but I would have far fewer scars if my bio family had been who they should have been.

I see this the same.  We will make it through and I may even find someone great, but it is not God’s best for us.  His best would be my h being the man he is called to be.  By not being, the kids and I will have many unnecessary wounds.

SS, that is very similar to what I imagined!  Like their instincts say to do one thing, and those instincts are very strong, but ultimately they know right from wrong.  I will add that at the very time they are supposed to fight these instincts, they are at their weakest.  I do have compassion in that regard and forgiveness is possible and I do chose it.  In addition their empathy is turned off and their selfishness is in full gear.  The perfect storm.  I’m so glad your wife is doing so well!!!

Journaling-I have taken a turn.  It has been a slow process for me.  I was not able to slap on a smile in front of my husband and pretend everything was ok, when it was not for a very long time.

My progress-BD devastated, begging, pleading, bargaining, guilt trips, pushing, my own fog, barely functioning.

I would say this went on for at least 6 months.  He mostly lived at home the first 7 months making detachment harder.  I then read about MLC and very very slowly gained enough self control to let him be.  It has been a long uphill battle with many failures on my part.  I did my best over the summer to avoid him because I needed to detach, heal, and let go.  I still sometimes messed up and told him how I felt.

This fall I have been overall very detached, I show no judgment, I am kind, I am short.  I keep it business and let him contact me.  I do my best not to argue, and have worked on a positive tone. 

This past two weeks I have made huge progress for me.  I now talk to him just as I would anyone else.  I am able to be friendly.  Before I would answer in a kind voice, but could only muster a few words.  It was the best I could do, but now I talk to him as I would anyone, but keep it short, don’t ask questions and don’t argue.

So time is allowing me to do the mirror work I needed to do to forgive and have a good friendly co parent relationship with my h.  It has taken me almost a year to get to this point.  I’m sure I prolonged the process and made it way worse by my early actions, but now I am mirroring his behavior and listening.

I’ve noticed he is being friendlier now that I am able to be purely friendly back.  No pushing, no blame.  It just is.

Now, I did not say he is my friend, but I am being light, airy and easy going.  I consider this a huge accomplishment because I am not pretending, this is where I am at.

I am doing the work I need to do and I am proud of myself.  At the very least this allows a good coparenting relationship.  In 7 days I will be at 1 year since bd!  I see a future and that future is bright!
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 04:49:06 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #69 on: October 09, 2019, 01:42:00 AM »
FJ,

I suspect that you will heal faster than you might expect. Military marriages are somewhat different when one spouse deploys, especially for long period of time. The remaining partner is suddenly the 100% person, mom, dad, taxi, teacher, you name it. They are also totally run the household with no assistance. the deployed spouse comes back and has to find a place within the operational system that has been established at home in their absence. As you have already been coping with an absent spouse for quite a while, you are probably in a better place than some....

That doesn't change the fact that, once your Mid-Lifer came home, he lost the plot and jollied off into Schmoopie Land but it could be one of the reasons that you believe that you  will heal faster. The LBS almost always gets their head together long before the Mid-Lifer even starts thinking about it and you hve had plenty of practice, being, in all practical sense,  a single parent
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #70 on: October 09, 2019, 07:05:13 AM »
UM, Yes, I did have to learn to do it alone during the deployment.  He has only been deployed once(for 8 months) and half way through he pretty much cut contact.  He got back 3 years ago and never took his place back in the family.  Instead he hid off and was secretive and broken.  He did help haul kids as at that time taking 1 kid somewhere was much less stressful than being home with littles.

I have grown accustomed to doing it all, but only this last few years.  So for me even though bd was a year ago, it felt like I had a wallower for the 2 years prior.  Though at the time I did not equate it to marriage problems, but rather ptsd.

Journaling-Since my husband’s heart has been so hardened to me for a year I have decided that it is worth it to me to begin to be friendly and hope to get to the point where he looks at me as a friend.  Though admittedly, I will not be able to reciprocate that friendship until trust is regained(which means possibly never).  I believe it is my best move towards reminding my husband of the many years we were happy together.

Our relationship is improving as I take this approach while managing my expectations.  I am following Smart Contact which I watched on YouTube and it is working well.

I have realized that if I want my marriage to work, I have to allow a certain level of friendship to begin.  It’s such a tough thing because I will never know if my husband is with an ow.  He has never admitted to anything ever.  I do not spy and so, who knows if they are still together or not.  He insists he is not with anyone.  Who knows the truth.

Our relationship began as friends.  I was 18 and we met at his Dad’s singles group.  A friend of mine’s mom was in the group and we showed up for free food:). H and I were instant friends.  My whole life was spent volunteering back then and I recruited him to help me.  We put on a vbs, and monthly children’s events at my church together.  We even did a children’s Street ministry internship together.

If I recall it took about 6 months of friendship before I looked at him as more.  We were inseparable and one night as we sat in the car, he made me laugh and suddenly I realized I liked him.  I think he liked me all along.

He was my best friend and we were inseparable for years and years.  We went to college together, he was a family man, the type to spend all of his extra time at home.  So for 16 years of our marriage, that’s what we had.  Until that deployment.

So naturally any new relationship will start with friendship.  I cannot truly be friends with someone I do not trust, and so for now I am just hoping to become the person he turns to.  While I guard my heart.  I do love him...or who he was. 

I have to give this a real shot, and in order to do that I am probably going to get hurt in the process.  BB said he had to keep putting himself out there.  I am doing that in a new way and he is accepting my friendship. 

He has been desperate for it, and I am going to give it to him because I am now strong enough to do so.  So now we are buddy buddy coparents(at least this week), which feels better than Monster/victim that went on for so long.  For me this is a win with or without reconciliation because I do not want to fight with the father of my children forever.  I want peace.  I accept the divorce is coming, I accept we may never reconcile.  I do not accept that my life has to feel at war forever.  I am in a good place.

The result of me being friendly is he is back to calling most days.  He finds a reason to get me to the door at pick up.  He now always says hello and goodbye.  He lingers a bit.  Last night we even had a moment as we discussed a kid.  A joking around moment.

He offered to run the littles to school this morning(what!!), he took them and just called to ask a question that could have been texted.  He then said have a good day(what!!)and was really friendly.  I have no delusions that he is anywhere near done with replay.  I just know that I can handle this kind if a relationship and I hope it sticks.  I need help with these kids.  Once I start working, I truly need to be on good terms with this man.

He needs to trust me again(Lord knows why he doesn’t), he needs to remember what we had.  The way I see it, friendship is foundational.  So I have a feeling we will begin a phase of co parenting, being friendly, him coming in for a few minutes versus waiting on the porch at pick up(which happened yesterday) him not being so quick to pick a fight, me letting him be and not pressuring.  I fully recognize he needs to pursue me in the friendship and he is. 

I love him and a part of me hates that I love him.  But, I am fully in control of my emotions now and I have a feeling that will give us the space we both need to heal.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 07:06:28 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #71 on: October 09, 2019, 07:35:28 AM »
Right on FJ!!!

Yes, I know... it's little.... but it feels so BIG doesn't it?

I think this happens when we really need it, to give us hope when we're losing it. No worries, God has you (and him too).

I was wondering.... what about his memory loss? When W was in full blown Shark-Eyes, all memory was gone. All. As she started to improve, the memory gaps/blocks began to lessen.
Have you seen any of this with H?

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #72 on: October 09, 2019, 07:39:08 AM »
SS, He does not remember anything.  Whole conversations.  I have to remind him of all arrangements.  Often times we are having a conversation and he does not know what I am talking about because he does not remember the prior conversation.  It is hard to deal with.

Ha!  Him offering to do Anything or being a congenial human being towards me is Big!!!  I have very high expectations in life ya know😂😂😂
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 07:44:50 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #73 on: October 09, 2019, 07:45:05 AM »
Gosh, I remember that FJ. Patchy memory plus lying a lot plus changing his mind from one day to the next made it jolly difficult to have sensible conversations or have much confidence in anything we agreed. I just learned to always have a contingency plan... :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #74 on: October 09, 2019, 08:15:51 AM »
So what is that I wonder....... chicken and the egg?

The MLC'er can't act like "normal" because the memory is missing on how to act/feel/etc.
So do they improve as memory is restored and they remember how to be? Or they improve and as a result memory is restored? Totally weird.

Did he end up starting that counseling? I know many would disagree with me that counseling doesn't help... but I really think it does. If they will play along and get some help accessing the memories they are struggling with, it does get those little wheels turning up top.

-SS
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 08:17:44 AM by Standing Strong »
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #75 on: October 09, 2019, 08:24:06 AM »
Treasur, Yes it is all great fun;).  One thing that seems different about mine than most.  If he says it, he does it.  He has not wavered about leaving or the d(at least out loud) and when he commits to do something for the kids etc, he does it.  Same so far for finances.

SS, my understanding is that they are only using a certain part of the brain.  I would guess trying to understand an MLCer is the only thing more complicated than trying to figure out a woman;)

He has been seeing a psychiatrist and has become much less reactive over the last few months(overall). 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 08:28:49 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #76 on: October 09, 2019, 08:30:12 AM »
Well, those are small positives FJ bc not all do. It may change of course but you can use it while it's there....perhaps the IC he is seeing is helping him manage his own behaviour a bit as you say.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #77 on: October 09, 2019, 09:26:51 AM »
Yes, it would be nice if he started getting better.  I think in some ways he has.  He has taken step one, admitting something is wrong and step two, he is getting help.  Lots of stuff he is not doing, but it starts there.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #78 on: October 09, 2019, 09:52:15 AM »
Hey, that's really big FJ..... really big.

He knows something is wrong. That's huge.
He's chilled out, that's also big.

Now can he connect the dots? If he does, he can fight his instincts. Will take time, but that's a good base from him to begin having doubts about D....

It's so slow ( I know), but really there's some great signs in there.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #79 on: October 09, 2019, 10:04:14 AM »
SS, It would be nice if things could turn around before the d, but mentally I have to move forward with the expectation that it will happen. 

I just can’t take a blow like that without my guard up.  We still have 8 months, possibly more before it would be finalized, it would be nice if he lost interest in pursuing it, or put it on the back burner.

I have often thought that he is one that needs the d.  He needs to feel the freedom to make his own choices.  I don’t discount the idea of reconciliation after a d.  In fact, going through the act of having the marriage brand new, might would help a reconciliation, the problem is, him divorcing me will cut my resolve to wait significantly.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 10:31:05 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #80 on: October 10, 2019, 08:16:09 AM »
MLC and I were best friends first also and I know we would have to start out as friends if any reconnection were to ever happen as well.
It's so hard though, isn't it ? You have come such a long way in such a short time that I am just filled with awe and amazement - maybe your deep connection with your faith has helped....I admit I lost my faith for quite some time in the beginning and am only now slowly finding my way back.

Code: [Select]
I love him and a part of me hates that I love him
Amen, sister - Amen.....if I could unlove him, but he still owns so much of my heart and soul, so that's not happening any time soon.

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #81 on: October 10, 2019, 09:57:47 AM »
Schratz, I’m sure many on here wish we could take that love and throw it into the sea.  I guess that’s not how love works.

When my h left, my biggest fear happened.  I had a fear of being alone.  Here I was in a brand new state with no one.  No job.  No plan.  I think God used that.  I hit rock bottom and realized slowly that if my biggest fear has already happened, what do I have to fear.  I do feel as if God has me in the palm of his hand.  As if he has orchestrated my care.  As if he alone is my refuge.  My h(or anyone else)will never be #1 in my heart again.  That place is reserved for God almighty.  God the comforter.  God the healer.  I also find my worth in Christ, in that way, my h can never take my self esteem.  He cannot take my identity.  He cannot take my value, because he is not what makes me who I am.

It’s taken me a bit to figure all of this out and it’s still a process.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #82 on: October 10, 2019, 11:23:49 AM »
You sound like you are so much at peace and it takes my breath away.

My biggest fear was not being alone - I have always been alone - my biggest fear was never being good enough (long story - narcissist father who left during his MLC and alcoholic mother) and this crisis has me struggling with that. I struggled with my faith because in the midst of it I felt almost like I wasn't even good enough for God to bother with me....anyway - I am finding my way back and in reality God has blessed me with so many things that I need to be so grateful for.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #83 on: October 11, 2019, 05:20:41 AM »
Schratz, I think this experience makes many of us have to face our worst fear.  Might I suggest finding scriptures that say who you are in Christ.  Not one of us is worthy of His grace and forgiveness.  You can find much self worth when you look up and regularly read who you are in Christ.  A child of the King.

For the most part I am very much at peace.  On occasion I forget to do what it takes to be at peace and struggle.  For me it takes, letting go and giving it to God.  Accepting either outcome on my marriage with the belief that either way, the kids and I will be ok.  Having a frame work for the future, but very much not getting ahead of myself, living in today.  When I think of all of the things I have to walk through this year I feel overwhelmed.  But, I can accomplish today’s tasks.

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #84 on: October 11, 2019, 07:45:36 AM »
During my drive home from dropping kids, I get time to think, reflect and pray.  Today my thoughts went back to a time in my life where I was completely lost.  In my own sort of fog.

I remember moving out of my mother’s home at 12 and having free reign to make whatever choice I wanted to make about who I lived with.  Too strict, I left.  Too crazy, I left.

I lived in I think 10-12 homes in 3 years.  During this time I went from an honors student to a troubled child.  I made horrible decisions, had low self worth, felt abandoned in life and ultimately took a dark path.  At 15 I was homeless and asked my old youth pastors if I could move back in with them.  I lived a secret life behind their back.  My bio father committed suicide and that was the beginning of my rock bottom.

I remember the night before I gave my life over to Christ.  I have never told anyone the choices I made that night and do not intend to now.  I lived in such darkness and I wonder, if that night of horrible choices had not occurred, would I have ever changed my life.  I needed to see my own depravity in order to turn my life over to a higher power. 

But, once I made my choice, I never looked back because I knew that that old life had nothing to offer me.  So my h needs to walk this path, it does not make his actions ok, but for whatever reason he has to walk in darkness to eventually see the light.  When you are in darkness the extreme contrast between light and dark is unmistakable.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 07:47:26 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #85 on: October 11, 2019, 09:02:56 AM »

Quote
I love him and a part of me hates that I love him

Amen, sister - Amen.....if I could unlove him, but he still owns so much of my heart and soul, so that's not happening any time soon.

It's surprisingly relieving that somebody else out there shares the same mixed feeling.  I have cried way too much simply because.
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
Me: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
Kids (at time of BD): G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

*** Every person on the planet is like you - a human being, most likely doing the best they can. Some are just more in control of themself than others ***
*** There are things you control and things you can't control, but what you can control is your attitude towards things you can't control. ***
*** “Rivers know this: There is no hurry, we shall get there some day.” — Winnie the Pooh ***

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #86 on: October 11, 2019, 09:12:23 AM »
Alvin!  I think we feel that way because our love for them brings us pain.  Still, lately I feel a stronger and stronger pull to hang in there and have compassion.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #87 on: October 11, 2019, 10:44:21 AM »
I feel the need to write.  I know that the first year after bd has got to be the hardest part of this journey because nothing can be as bad as that!  I think I will celebrate my bd day, in 4 days.  Not because it happened, but because I survived.  Somehow, I made it through the hardest year of my life!

I am stronger, more compassionate, more introspective, quieter,  and calmer.  I am thankful for the little things and more passionate about what I hold dear.

My relationship with my h is changing for the better.  We are mostly always friendly and today he called to chat(he does this at least once a week).  It’s not so much what he said, but a longing in his voice.  A longing for his family.  That has not ever happened since bd.  He asked what we were doing tonight, and I cannot explain it, he wanted to be with us.  I told him we have plans with friends for bowling and food(we do). 

He is taking my d8 on Sunday to the church at her school because she will be singing.  I will be taking the other kids to their Sunday activities.  He asked if he should leave right after she sang(I didn’t really answer), he said, I guess it really wouldn’t hurt me to stay.  I just chuckled, no, I guess not.

But, it’s not what he was saying, it’s that there was introspection there.  I can see that the hard part at this stage is to stay detached and keep the expectations low.  After we chatted he just kind of lingered on the phone.  I listened mostly and let him lead the conversation.

He is cycling back towards his family right now, not myself in particular.  He did actually show up to pick up the littles from school.  A month ago he talked about driving them to school sometime and now he is following through.  There are small signs of improvement.

« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 11:12:06 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #88 on: October 11, 2019, 06:34:43 PM »
My h called again and asked to come by after bowling.  We went for a walk.  He cried.  He said many things.

The quick version is, he knows how badly he treated me in the last year.  That he wants to treat me right as the mother of his kids.  That he wants to work together and hopefully get to a place where we can be friends.  That he does not want me to get the wrong idea, he does not want to get back together.

Quick excerpts-He is broken.  I deserve better than him in many, many ways(very true).  He needs to heal and feel the hurt.  He is working through his issues, but even once he does, he does not want me.

He accepts that him and the oldest kids may never have a great relationship again.  He is for sure seeing that girl(not because he admitted it, but because he avoided the question, yes I asked).  He said he is not capable of loving anyone right now, he does not think he will ever get right with God, he brought up his friend who gets along great with his ex, they are both remarried and even sit together at football games for the kids(I wanted to drop kick him when he said this).  I let him know that I would not be participating in that.  He said he thinks he could with me and mine(new spouse).

Admittedly I cursed him out in my mind a few times while I very politely listened.  He is open to the idea of waiting a bit on the divorce.  Maybe finalize it at the end of summer or the end of next school year(less likely). 

He said that I viewed him as selfish, but he had to get away and heal.  That his whole life he has put others before himself.  That even now he is doing this(hmmm). 

All in all a good conversation.  It was hard to hear(him saying he does not want me) and also good that he is softening towards me and the kids.  Good that he said he is working on feeling the pain and healing.  Good that he wants to work together to raise the kids.

We may do Halloween together, and possibly Christmas morning.  Mainly because I do not want to miss either holiday and I am already getting Thanksgiving.  But he said he hates coming into our house and hates FL(ok).

I’m not sure how to feel.  He’s broken, but rejecting me.  I’m tired of hoping for a relationship that may have died in Afghanistan.  I’m just going to keep moving forward and trust that good things are in store one way or another.  No matter what, it seems like a step in the right direction.  We need to get along and coparent.  Him caring enough to come by and share his feelings has to be a good thing.

He did not touch me when he left.  I feel kind of meh about the conversation.  He is still with ow and he does not exactly feel like a catch.  Why am I fighting for someone who is cheating on me, wants no part in a marital relationship with me and is living such a selfish lifestyle.  Just meh...
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 06:41:09 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #89 on: October 11, 2019, 08:17:11 PM »
Joy,

I believe we both had the exact same conversation tonight.

My comment to H was since he seemed to not even have his own life figured out I would appreciate him not making assumptions about mine. New husband. Bull crap. How about you butt the heck out of what I will or won’t do and do or do not want. You don’t even know what you want. Other than for no one to make you feel guilty about OW.

Seriously, I was mad. You don’t get to decide anything for me. You can only decide what you will do with you. You can speak for yourself, but I would really appreciate you not planning out anymore of my life after the bang up job you’ve done with the last year of it.

I’m personally not really ticked about the idea of a divorce in that I think without one he just assumes I’m there on the shelf where he left me. And he may assume that with or without the divorce I don’t know. But I just don’t see it as meaning much.

I feel like the moment you decided to separate yourself from me you lost any right to comment on my life. If you aren’t going to be a husband to me why should I care what you think about me or my decisions.  My husband has a right to have an opinion....that’s one of the rights you are choosing to give up.  Go be sad about your poor choices elsewhere, it’s ruining my beautiful evening.
Am I supposed to be sorry that you are not enjoying the choices you made that hurt me and everyone you love....no. I am not.

It’s not that I am unable to feel empathy, it’s just a waste of the empathy I feel, as you can seek help and make better choices anytime you want too. Now go away and wallow in your consequences. 🤷‍♀️
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 08:18:41 PM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Anjae

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #90 on: October 11, 2019, 08:49:31 PM »
I feel like the moment you decided to separate yourself from me you lost any right to comment on my life.

Early on after BD I said something similar to Mr J. He was wanting to control who I went out with, how I should do things, etc. I told him, when you left you lost the right of having anything to do with my life.

It’s not that I am unable to feel empathy, it’s just a waste of the empathy I feel, as you can seek help and make better choices anytime you want too. Now go away and wallow in your consequences.

Rings a bell. The thing with clingers is that they come back, text, call, and want us to listen to them all the time. I spend tons of nights listening to Mr J on the phone. It was exhuasting and nothing good come of it. He didn't got better, I become drained and tired of it all.

I lost count of many times I heard, I am unhappy, I have to live in a friend's bedroom, later a rented bedroom. He has long stop living in a bedroom, he and OW2 had a fancy flat, now he has some nice flat. At the time, he was living the way he had decided to, leading the life he has choose.

But, boy, did he moan and moan and moan. Yet, he did not wanted to return home, he wanted to do it because he only had now to do it. Now become 13 years.

It is hard to know why they do what they do or why they remain so many years in Replay. At times nothing seems to make sense.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #91 on: October 12, 2019, 05:57:51 AM »
Courage-Very interesting that yours is thinking along the same lines.  It was an apology, pity party, a reminder he does not want me(just in case I got the wrong idea), and a willingness to compromise and work together all in one.

The thing is though, I don’t like who he currently is at all.  At least he’s not monster.  I totally agree that mine will consider me on the shelf as long as we are married.  I want to stay married as long as possible though because it is beneficial to me and the kids, because if I can drag it out we will not have to move twice, I’m hoping he comes to his senses at some point and it would be nice if we were still married.  Also, I think the marriage keeps me standing longer.  If we divorce, I may just find out how good it feels to be treated right!  I feel you on the wasted empathy!!!

Anjae-Interesting that you listened and listened, but he still never came out of replay.  This is a tough ride!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #92 on: October 12, 2019, 06:17:04 AM »
Joy,

Someone who doesn’t actually want you....doesn’t concern themselves with your happiness, or what you do or don’t do.

I have an ex that I don’t want, and I really don’t have anything but apathy for him.
Not anger, no commentary or suggestions for his life, no need to inform him of anything, just....nothing.  He means nothing to me so I don’t even think about what he does or doesn’t do....as long as he maintains his end of the custody agreement and is appropriate with S15...I really couldn’t muster up the energy to care at all.

That is not at all, what your H is doing. Your H is painting a vivid fantasy life for you which he believes will assuage his guilt, and then make his quest noble and sacrificial.......🙄🙄🙄
Your H is going out of his way to make you feel unwanted and to kill your feelings for him to relieve his own guilty conscience.....can you imagine doing that to someone you broke up with....no. Because it makes no sense...why would you care what someone you don’t want feels about you....you wouldn’t.

It also allows him to pity himself....he just couldn’t be what you needed (never mind that he didn’t try). He did the noble thing (at great cost to himself) of letting you run into the arms of the dashing stranger who would be able to make you happy (trying to make you happy himself would require discipline, and things just happen to him he has no control over the course of his life).

Poor H (cue sad wailing and tiny violin music) and unfortunate victim of circumstance (the circumstances he put himself in due to his choices and refusal to get help).
He is even so generous as to insult you so that you can hate him and fulfill his fantasy plan for your life....(I’m surprised he stopped at just imagining it rather than show up with some stranger on a damn horse to present to you as a substitute.)

I will make a suggestion for a Christmas present for him....get him some handkerchiefs to cry into.

If it wasn’t actually happening in real life it would be terribly funny.  He is being drama lama. It gets old really quickly.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 06:29:52 AM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #93 on: October 12, 2019, 06:28:13 AM »
Joy,

I read this back to myself, maybe I should take my own advice as well.....🤣
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #94 on: October 12, 2019, 06:31:26 AM »
Couragedearheart, I love it😂😂😂. You are right!  I did say that to him at one point, he said I am broken and you deserve better.  I said, I deserve someone who has the strength to do what they need to do to become whole again.  I told him that is a cop out.  His whole life is a pity party.  I could never be jealous of the ow, she does not currently have a prize.

I really just want space at this point.  I already have 4 kids, I don’t need a 5th.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #95 on: October 12, 2019, 06:36:00 AM »
You should strategically place tissues in your décolletage when you see him, that way the next time he begins his pity party you can whip one out and hand it too him. “Here, something for you to cry into.”

🤣🤣🤣

It’s petty....but the thought brings me satisfaction.

Here is your H...and mine 🥺😥😩

#blesshisheart
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #96 on: October 12, 2019, 06:48:08 AM »
Ha!  It makes me smile too🤣. Maybe a handkerchief with his initials for Christmas!  I don’t know.  The conversations intent was an apology from him, but the result is me wanting space from him and MLC in general. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #97 on: October 12, 2019, 06:51:41 AM »
Joy,

Fwiw, my new answer to “I am broken” is going to be “Okay, you are broken, what are you willing to do about it?”

Mhhhhhh I like it. I think I’ll use it for everything actually.

“You don’t have a good relationship with the kids? What are you willing to do about it?”

“You want to treat me right as the mother of your children? What are you willing to do about it”


Ohhhhhh

Now let’s apply that to the NOT WANTS!

(Step back.....I’m getting ready to hit myself with my own 2x4)

What am I willing to do about the things I don’t want?

Hmmmmmm.....I’m just going to take that one back to my little brain cave and ponder it.
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #98 on: October 12, 2019, 07:02:28 AM »
Courage, I will follow suit!  Turn it around and remind them and ourselves that actions are what matter!  So true!!!  Wise words!!!

I think my action will be to pull back from him.  I don’t need to ride this particular ride, he has ow for that.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #99 on: October 12, 2019, 07:11:51 AM »

Fwiw, my new answer to “I am broken” is going to be “Okay"


What would it feel like if you just said this?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #100 on: October 12, 2019, 07:23:23 AM »
Good morning Treasur!  There were a few things that looking back on our conversation I would not say again.  I am typically an open book and so mystery and silence is not my forte.

I would have just let some of what he was saying sit in silence.  I did some, and sometimes I gave my full opinion. 

After the convo he texted me, “Thanks for listening, I hope we can be civil.”  I text back, I hope you can begin to heal and be someone me and the kids can be proud of again.

Still ever the fixer, and quite opinionated.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #101 on: October 12, 2019, 07:50:02 AM »
A bit off topic.  I bought myself a new wardrobe for work last month because I figured next summer I will have to buy the kids school clothes, supplies etc and it gets expensive.

I have done odds and ends jobs over the years, but when I go back to work full time next year it will have been 15 1/2 years of me mostly being a SAHM. 

So I needed a whole new business work wardrobe.  I am so excited!  I got dresses, skirts, work pants, sweaters, and tons of nice shirts.  The only catch is, for the skirts and pants, I ordered a size down from what I normally wear.  I tried them on and they fit a bit snug.  I figured if I am going to buy a new wardrobe, I may as well lose a size.

So I need to lose 3-5lbs to fit comfortably into the clothes.  The shirts already fit comfortably.  I am for sure going to be the type of teacher always dressed up in a cute dress, skirt, or dress pants! 

So, since I already eat healthy I’m going to have to cut calories.  Maybe even give up wine for a bit.  Hmm, maybe I should have just ordered the correct size! 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #102 on: October 12, 2019, 08:14:15 AM »
I think you'll be able to fit into them in no time at all since you already have a plan on how to drop those pounds.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #103 on: October 12, 2019, 08:58:55 AM »
Reinventing!  Hopefully, I am really good about keeping my weight at the size of my clothes, just naturally eating less if they get snug.  However it’s been a minute since I’ve worn this size.  I tried them on again this morning, already looking better, but not quite right.  Time to do some extra cardio!
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 09:00:32 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #104 on: October 12, 2019, 09:46:14 AM »
I have one opinion about bodies.

When I look at other people I just see them, as a whole, the person....unless it’s the size of a unicorn horn I don’t notice pimples, freckles tiny scars, a smidge of armpit fat.

Why assume anyone would notice that about me? They don’t.

Besides my looks are the least interesting part of me, it had very little to do with me and much more to do with DNA and chromosomes....I didn’t choose my body or eye color or any of the rest of it that may or may not be attractive to you.

My brain on the other hand *wiggles eyebrows seductively* that’s all mine, I cultivated the things I fed it, I have worked on it, improved it, challenged it.

You want to make me melt....tell my you like the way I think.

So the clothes are a bit tight....good, it improves your aerodynamics! 🤣
Not to mention shows off your figure, if you like them wear them.


There are clothes on your body and you approve, that’s really all that matters.
❤️
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 10:53:18 AM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #105 on: October 12, 2019, 10:08:49 AM »
Courage- I don’t approve yet;). I don’t like wearing snug clothes.  Just for modesty sake, I need to wait!!  It definitely shows my figure a bit too much right now.  I have never found worth in my looks, but since bd happened there has been a need to look my best.  I need to feel good about myself in every way.  I am also much more acutely aware that while women do not care, men are very visual.  It makes me sick and yet it’s true.  When I met my h, he was overweight, I was not.  I was attracted to him because of him.  He eventually got in great shape, but either way I loved him.

I don’t think it’s the same for men.  I do feel the need to look my very best, but my worth does not come from my looks. 

Journaling-I think that talk really has me all over the place.  The talk means my SMART contact is working.  He is reaching out to me.  The problem is, he only wants to be friends and he is waist deep in self pity, and his own muck.  So I am doing SMART contact and getting the desired results(him pursuing me, even if as friends).

But, now that he’s around, I want space.  Because he’s not someone I currently want in my life as is.  I think it boils down to, he’s no where near done cooking and who wants undercooked cake?  The issue is that my being friendly and using SMART contact has brought good results. 

Him helping more, being more accommodating, more mutual understanding, working as a team for kids.  It could mean a much more smooth divorce and him possibly allowing my timeline for the d, which would save me and the kids an extra move.

In other words, I am conflicted.  I want to get as far from him as possible, but it is best for me and the kids for me to continue to be friendly and listen.

It bothers me though.  This is what he wants.  He wants his new woman, freedom and his family to still be friendly and agreeable about his choices.  Let’s all be one happy family, but I’m replacing you as my wife for another person.  Because I’ve lived such a selfless life up until now, I deserve it.

The thing is, I don’t remember him being anymore selfless than the next guy.  I think he chose not to say if he disagreed, or if something bothered him.  He has always let me do the heavy lifting and make most decisions.  I always wanted him to step up to the plate more, and he did not.  So I had to be the problem solver, the one to make sure things got done.  He was content in his role of passenger. 

So, this MLC might be about him finding his voice.  Finding himself and that’s good, but there was no need to ditch his family in order to accomplish that goal. 

I just need to keep listening, keep being friendly and then reassess boundaries after the d goes through.  This is going to be a long year. 

The whoa is me side is going, why do I have to have anything to do with a lying, cheating man with little character and no backbone.

The compassionate empathetic side wants to run for the hills.

The responsible side says keep doing what your doing because it is what is best for me and the kids....
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 10:12:08 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #106 on: October 12, 2019, 05:31:17 PM »
I am taking some space from the forum, I’ll be back.  I need to heal in a new way, without my focus on MLC or my h.  My prayers are with you all!  ♥️♥️♥️  I’m so very thankful for your support, advice, words of wisdom and guidance!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #107 on: October 13, 2019, 12:16:57 AM »
Caught up FJ! Take the time you need.. I'm spending less time here and I can see how my brain is focusing more in other things other than MLC or the H who walked away. I don't forget all the wonderful people who have supported me for the last 18 months so I still read a bit most days but I'm posting very little. I think there's no harm is taking a break from time to time to take a step back and see what direction we want to go.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #108 on: October 13, 2019, 04:38:32 AM »
One Day!  Yes, I cannot imagine having made it this far without the wonderful people here!  For me it feels as if I need to walk without crutches for a bit to get to the next stage of healing.  I just cannot keep my focus on my h right now.  I need space from his MLC.  ♥️
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #109 on: October 14, 2019, 09:40:01 AM »
For about 5 seconds I thought I could take a break from MLC.  I was wrong.  It is apparently an effort in futility, as right when I hoped for space I am being smothered in MLC.

My husband has become a major clinger this last few days.  He is not ok at all.  He showed up at my house to drop a kid from a choir activity he took her too and it was my thought he was taking the kids and leaving.  He switched his night with them for the holiday.

He has made more effort with the kids for the last week anyways, but he cannot handle them well.

Instead he eats pizza with us and says, I didn’t intend to take the kids until 3pm(2 hours later).  So he hung out with us until then.  I just cleaned the kitchen and put away laundry.  He hung with me and asked what Faith and I planned to do, I gave him a wouldn’t you like to know smile.

The little kids notice his presence.  One asks if we are doing Christmas together, the other asks why Daddy never comes to the house.  He answers neither.

He offers me some watermelon moonshine that a friend gave him.  He started crying again in the kitchen while I cleaned.  He is heading to TX to see friends and his MLC mom, of course not the rest of his family.  He is going last minute because he is not ok.  We have a conversation about the rent house, the renters want to stay another year from Feb.  The area the house is in has been an amazing investment, so I asked him to consider it. 

He is all about us being best buds now and working together.  I’m allowing it for now. 

Last night I called him, which I never do.  I got wind that his MLC mom has been badmouthing me to the entire family.  My SIL has warned me about her(we all know she is trouble and none of her kids are close to her).  Last night she told me the full story.  She calls regularly to bad mouth me to my BIL.  He takes up for me.  My SIL and I have avoided this woman for many years.  She is manipulative, controlling and selfish.  Well it’s seems now she is my h’s best friend.  He has bad mouthed me to her, and she has no clue he is not of sound mind.  She has decided I am what kept them from a relationship this last 20 years and she is thrilled we split.  Classic MLC, she is still finding ways to blame everyone else.

My SIL and I spent years encouraging our husbands to have a better relationship with their Mom, but every chance she got she tried to come between husband and wife, brother and brother.  She hated that we were all close and she wasn’t.  She tried to act like she was an amazing grandmother(and mother), but always had an excuse not to show up to Birthdays for our kids, and for the most part, she wanted nothing to do with us, unless she was causing trouble.

Anyways, I let him know that she is now pulling her old ways and trying to come between him and his brother as well as badmouthing me.  She had told him his brother was badmouthing him, it turns out he was only taking up for me.

This woman is one of the biggest reasons I would try to work things out with my h.  Once she was(understandably) not allowed back home after she divorced my fil and tried to come back 2 years later.  She could not handle reality and has lived in a fantasy world this last 23 years.  She married 3 more times, has been sick the last 10 years from smoking and drinking too much(liver problems).  She is on her death bed and looks 80.  She is 65.

Anyways, while on the phone with my husband I felt the need to suicide check.  He is acting so emotional and unstable the last few days.  I told him, if he is struggling please do not do anything crazy.  If he needs to call he can.  I could tell by his reaction he has considered doing something drastic. 

So for now I am not going to set boundaries.  I am having zero detachment issues.  This week has made detachment easy.  Being around him has caused me too detach further as I fully see this is not currently the man I love.  I see this as good movement, he is working through his issues.  He is about to go visit with his Mom and she will likely badmouth me the whole time.

If we ever reconcile, I will never be around this woman again.  That is firm.  He is welcome to see her, I will not.  My poor sil still has to sometimes, her husband(my bil) left her early in their marriage.  For two years he was back and forth between her and another woman.  He was not a monster like mine and they did not have kids yet.  Anyways, he also repeated his Mom’s behavior.  They have had an unbreakable marriage since.  They have been married 25 years.

Should my husband be acting like this in replay?  Is this normal?  I guess he is cycling in some new way that I do not understand.



Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #110 on: October 14, 2019, 09:51:22 AM »
Yup, all sounds very MLC normal. The cycling. The instability. The irresistible unconscious pull of safe home cake. The weird wider drama of family connections. The inability to communicate clearly or really have much of a plan. The self pity. Yup, mlc normal.

But you seem to have found your balance FJ and detached enough to see it for what it is. And the need for boundaries if only to reduce the confusion for your kids. You've found your plot; your h is evidently still busy losing his. Sorry. But yes, normal  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #111 on: October 14, 2019, 10:00:28 AM »
Thank You Treasure!  I didn’t think he would get all crazy emotional like this until after replay, but I guess this is the cycling.  I wonder how he is holding down a job. 

My SIL says he calls constantly now to say the exact same things.  If they try to talk about anything else he gets mad.  So it is a convo repeat about his mother’s sickness.  I told them he cannot remember anything.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #112 on: October 15, 2019, 01:35:29 AM »
FJ....he sounds like the typical MLC mess.  Hot, cold, rainy, sunny....whatever his emotions are at any given moment.  It is called an emotional rollercoaster for a reason
  I understand your concern for his wellbeing, but whether you institute boundaries or not, none of this is at all within your control.  He's going to do what he's going to do, regardless. Be polite, be his friend, but do so without the expectation of any sort of connection beyond that.

Only true detachment will give you the break from MLC that you seem to want.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #113 on: October 15, 2019, 06:55:15 AM »
Beyond!  Too true about their emotions.  What I wanted was space from all things MLC.  I am detached fully.  However, he is always around in one way or another.  His choices effect me and my kids greatly.  We are still very much so intertwined financially, with the kids, and our home.  So I guess I wanted a break from him, and all things MLC, but now is not the time to go dim from the forum or from him.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 06:58:18 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #114 on: October 16, 2019, 07:17:01 AM »
I have a great aversion to being around people who smoke.  Someone can be across the park smoking and I will struggle to breath some.  I was born with a hole in my lungs(my mom smoked while pregnant with me), and I grew up with my Mom and Dad smoking in the house and car.

So, I can spot a smoker immediately.  Apparently, my husband smokes some now.  I asked him, he said yes, that he will not smoke in front of the kids...

My grandma died of emphysema and my biological Mom has emphysema and still smokes.  I did not say a word to him.

We have entered into a “friends” stage.  He likes to talk, he wants to make sure we are on good terms.  I continue to let him pursue me.  I am polite, friendly, short, distant, ask no questions, no relationship talk, and do not always answer his questions.

Here’s the thing.  I am allowing all of this because I believe he is lost, he is weak, he needs a light house.  We spent a lifetime together.  I want a relationship on this level for now to coparent and have a friendly divorce.

I am not necessarily doing this because I want him back.  Only time will tell on that.  He must sense how done I am.  I’m not sure I want him back.  For sure not as is.

So last night I did not feel like seeing him, but he always finds a reason to see me.  So, when he asked me to come down when he picked up the kids, I texted instead.  At pickup, I opened the door and just said bye.  So of course he called to chat an hour later.  I mean, our perfect little friendship needs to be solidly in place. 

He is pursuing me for a friendship while divorcing me.  Great fun.  The thing is, my 12 year old is more mature.  At least he’s a preteen, not a rebellious preteen. 

So long as it seems to be beneficial to all involved I will continue down this path.  It creates peace and  makes it less likely for him to do anything to upset our “friendship”.  I put friendship in quotes because I in no way consider him my friend.  He is not yet worthy.  That said, I am trying to do the right thing for him, myself and the kids.  It’s not easy to know what that is, but I know I need to be the bigger person.

For now this benefits everyone involved, if a choice ever needs to be made, I chose me and the kids.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 07:18:03 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #115 on: October 16, 2019, 11:25:05 AM »
He's going thru the phases...... time to be "Friends".

Has he mentioned anything about his counseling? I'm not putting too much faith in that as it's military counseling but I do believe stirring the pot is very important.

Sounds like the wheels are turning to some extent. That's good...... and he's chasing to some extent, that's good too. If he is seeing improvement is can spur him to do the same.

Keep going FJ!!!! I know you will, there's no other way but forward.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #116 on: October 16, 2019, 11:50:19 AM »
SS,  Something is for sure changing in him.  Only time will tell.  He is for sure beginning to feel again.  He cannot handle it and has cried in front of me 2x in a week.  He said earlier in the week he cannot currently love anyone.  I wish I knew if OW was in the picture, if she for sure wasn’t I would question if he is moving into the depression phase.  He is so adamant about the divorce, I think she must still be around.

The truth is, it would not currently be possible to have a real relationship with him.  He is too emotionally immature, unstable and selfish.

So this is going to be a long ride.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #117 on: October 16, 2019, 04:53:48 PM »
Yup, a long ride FJ......

I have to say though..... the return of feelings is HUGE.
W didn't start making progress until that happened, and then things really started happening. She also couldn't process them and was overloaded. I don't know how many weeks that went on for, communication wasn't the best back then.
I heard the I can't love anyone too....... it's ok. What he's really saying is he doesn't believe he can be loved. No joke.

Has he described it? I wonder if it's the same for them all? W described it as a rush of emotions, like a backlog.... PLUS all current emotions on top of that. Like a sensory deprivation tank and the water rushing in with no way to stop it (at least that's how I interpreted it). She said the emotion wouldn't stop, and they'd just hammer her, especially when she was alone. Since there was no emotion for so long, they are extra sensitive to it.

I don't know if what follows this explosion is depression. It's self awareness but I don't think it's anywhere near the end of replay.
Awareness is HUGE though. If he really is either going to be permanently self-aware, or a "first look", that's a really good thing.... a milestone. Let's hope and pray it's permanent. Then he will really process, and that will be a while. If he runs away after a look around, that's ok.... but he stands a better chance if you extend an olive branch. This will confuse the heck out of him, but watch to see if he grabs it. The MLC raccoon will grab anything shiny, so be the shiny.

If no OW..... he will simmer and I think it'll stop him in his tracks. Get ready for some MAJOR confusion and self-reflection from him. Will he voice it? Maybe. IF he chooses to trust you.
If he simmers, let him talk D, but I don't think he'll do it. They talk, talk, talk.... it's all fantasy. If you are important, or become important, where you are with him will change BIG TIME.
If he does look to you, put on your gloves FJ and dive in (gently). I know that will be hard to listen and probe (gently). I'd say pray and have God lead you in it..... this is where the real work is. Going to help him spin those wheels, and they have to be spun. It's not fun. It is painful..... but you have been prepared for this. Stick out that hand into the muck, let him grab it.... when he lets go, wait. Hold out your hand again, let him grab it and when he lets go again.... wait (and pray) then stick out your hand again. You're the hero in this, remember that. The strength resides in you. The light is you. The anchor is you. Save your spouse.

Super important that if he looks to you for help, that you listen and not judge. Super important. Be totally honest but zip those lips and let him run his. He's going to have so much to say, and the same darn things over and over and over again. That's processing.
That he would look to you is very big, that's the cry for help (without saying it like that). They can't verbalize.
This is where trust and a new role is formed. Best that it's you and not someone else. Grit your teeth and take a bite. The 1st one is hardest, it will get easier.

You've got this.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #118 on: October 16, 2019, 06:26:51 PM »
SS, Thank You for the advice!  I am listening without judgement when he reaches out to me.  I have made myself available as much as I complain here.  I can see he is drowning and I know I need to be there when He allows.

The only thing he said was, I have to feel all of this pain in order to get through it.  Plus him crying has only happened a few times in our marriage(in front of me), so twice in a week is big.

I am trying to be the “light” for him.  All I can really do is pray, be kind, friendly and listen.  I do not want to take on the role of fixer or his Mommy.  The truth is, my hands are full raising our kids alone.

Mine is not one to say he will do something and not do it.  If nothing changes, he will divorce me.  He so far has followed through with everything he says he will.  All I can do is prolong it as long as possible to give him time to come around.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 06:43:44 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #119 on: October 16, 2019, 10:05:04 PM »
Thank sounds great FJ!!!!

He's very lucky to have you.... and someday he'll know that again.

With him being talkative you're really going to have your hands full  ;)

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #120 on: October 17, 2019, 04:49:14 PM »
Thank you SS!

Journaling-My husband has recently become a major clinger.  He left for TX today and called to chat for 45 minutes.  He has started trying more with the kids this last two weeks. 

He is texting d14 in the mornings to try to get her to connect.  He also offered to take her to Varsity soccer 2X a week(out of 4). 

He is also trying harder with d8(they have never really gotten along great). 

My h’s Mom is something else.  I just laughed it off.  So my h is going to see her, but is staying at his BIL and SIL house for two days.  My SIL texted and said that my h’s Mom asked to throw my h a party at their house ???  It is not his birthday, she wants to have a celebration....

I said, like a divorce party?  She said, I don’t know, but we said no.  That woman is celebrating my h abandoning his kids and wife.  She really does not even know my kids, at all.  She has never cared about them outside of pictures.  She has not called to talk to any of them in at least 7 years.  She has maybe seen them 2 times during that timeframe.  We (including my h) quit trying to see her because she always canceled last minute when we would come to town. 

Now, she and my h are supposedly best buds, but my h said a lot of times she does not answer the phone or return calls.  Same old.

I hope he continues to try to reconnect with the kids.  All of this is way better than 6 weeks ago.

One of the women I have greatly confided in since my bd has left her h.  I actually grew up with her h and am friends with both.  They have always struggled in their marriage.  She has never been happy.  He will not file, but is so tired of everything that he hopes she does.  There’s is an example of a typical separation.  Both slowly just being done.  He is a devout Christian and so wants to work on things, but she is just done.  I’m hoping she goes home.  They have three kids, one is 6 months old.
« Last Edit: October 17, 2019, 05:44:48 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #121 on: October 18, 2019, 04:41:07 PM »
I’m not sure exactly how I want to move forward.  My h called again today.  The thing is, he wants to be friends and coparent, but I know I will need boundaries.  It is too new for me to do anything, next week he could be different.

He is not looking to get back together or anything, he is still all me, me, me(so Replay).  He looks me in the eye now, so I believe he is very comfortable with his decision to move on with his life.  I do not want a front row seat to this show, but I do question if being his friend might be wise if I can do it.  It’s very uncomfortable for me.  I mean he doesn’t talk about an OW or anything and I wonder if they broke up, but it does not matter if they did.  He does not look at me like that, and as is, I do not look at him like that.  We are currently two completely different people....me being an adult and all.

My first reaction is to run.  I am waiting to make any decisions.  He is so self focused.  It is hard to be around him.  I want to be a lighthouse.  I do on occasion say things very gently.  It is heartbreaking to see him act so much like his Mom, who never came out of MLC. 

The idea that this could be my kids father from now on is so sad.  I truly believe a friendship is important to reconcile, but he is still not him.  This is hard.

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #122 on: October 18, 2019, 05:23:14 PM »
I find it so fascinating that the MLC'ERS can be so alike with certain actions and behaviors, yet so completely different with others.  My xh ran like a scared rabbit nearly 4 years ago and and getting him to meet to tie up any loose ends was like bribing a kid with a candy bar.  And, for the record, those very few, brief encounters.....he never once could raise his eyes to meet mine.  We have no reason for contact as all matters have been settled and no children to schedule and balance.

As for remaining friendly, I don't see how that wouldn't be in your favor and benefit.  You said earlier that you've fully detached, so having no expectations but successfully co-parenting seems like the way to go.


Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #123 on: October 18, 2019, 06:15:18 PM »
Beyond!  It is odd how they are so similar yet so different. 

It is in my favor and benefit as well as the kids!  It is difficult to be so involved with such a selfish person.  Being around him ‘as is’, so much is difficult.  He never looked me in the eyes until after I told him I forgive him a couple of weeks ago.  He’s just no one I know or would want to know and our whole lives are intertwined. 

His life choices still greatly effect me and my children.  My hope is for a whole family even if I have accepted either outcome.  It’s the big picture thinking part of me.  Do I want my family together, yes.  Do I want him back....I don’t even know who he is going to be.  The current him is not desirable.  The old him and old relationship is dead in my eyes.

I don’t know.  Does anyone want to hang out regularly with someone who dumped them(that is the least of it).  He is still willing to put me and the kids through great hardships because he is #1 in his life.  In other words, I do not view who he currently is as a good person.  So why would I want to be close to him.  Yet, I know it is for the best.  So conflicting. 

« Last Edit: October 18, 2019, 06:33:32 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #124 on: October 19, 2019, 05:33:37 AM »
FJ... of course, he's not your "friend".  Hes a person who completely abandoned you and your kids, in favor of himself.  Who in their own right state of mind would want to willing have contact with this sort of person?  No one I know.  And, I say willingly because with you, you are doing it out of necessity....a much different concept.  You are doing it because you HAVE to, not because you WANT to.

Completely understandable and yes, even though I am lucky enough not to have to do this, I do realize how difficult it makes it for you to not just completely cut him off and close the door in his face.  That was probably the biggest blessing I had in all of this....the ability to make a break...maybe not as cleanly and nicely as I'd have preferred,  but it needed to be ugly and painful to get me to learn the lessons attached to his actions and behavior.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #125 on: October 19, 2019, 06:40:08 AM »
Blessed, Very true!  You’re right, it is a necessity for now.  This sure does teach us a lot about ourselves and cause a lot of growth and adulting:)

How long has it been for you?  Is it still hard? 

The problem is, even though he’s no one I would want as is, seeing that he is working on healing gives me hope.  Which reattaches me.  So I have to work on expectations and good boundaries.  It’s hard not to start thinking this is a very positive step towards his healing(him feeling, getting help, acknowledging he is broken, apologizing etc).  Yet, expectations being very low in my view is the key to the whole process.  Even if they come back your expectations have to be at zero to give them time and space.  So for me it’s hard to have hope without expectations.  So I try to keep hope at bay.

I also feel like having someone around so much who has rejected me(and still is) is really not great for my self esteem.  I overall have a very good self esteem and it can handle a lot, but I’m not thinking it is a good thing.
« Last Edit: October 19, 2019, 06:47:38 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Anon

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #126 on: October 19, 2019, 06:54:25 AM »
Hi FJ,  I Just started reading your thread and wanted to comment on a couple of things. 

He is not looking to get back together or anything, he is still all me, me, me(so Replay).

While in replay they couldn’t be less interested in us.  Replay means “all about me”.  Be prepared for another few years of this.  On the very short end replay lasts 2 years, on average it’s much longer.  Best not to expect anything from him during this time.

Quote
He looks me in the eye now, so I believe he is very comfortable with his decision to move on with his life.  I do not want a front row seat to this show, but I do question if being his friend might be wise if I can do it.
We can’t reliably draw any conclusions from what these MLCers say or do.  There may be several reasons why he looks you in the eye that have nothing to do with his comfort in moving on.  Avoid assumptions  about the meaning of anything they say or do.   Fwiw, I doubt any MLCer in Replay or any other stage is comfortable with anything they do.

Quote
I mean he doesn’t talk about an OW or anything and I wonder if they broke up, but it does not matter if they did.
Another assumption.  My h never ever talks about his ow.  It’s been 2.5 years now and they are still together.  And what you say is true,,it does not matter.  It’s a very painful part of replay for the spouse and it’s darn difficult to believe it doesn’t matter.   I have to talk myself into believing that myself.  Heart says it matters, head says it doesn’t. 

Quote
I truly believe a friendship is important to reconcile, but he is still not him.  This is hard.
It’s tough to be friends under these circumstances and why would you?  What friend would do what he’s done?  Consider that being friends may give him the wrong message.  That he can do whatever he likes and still have your friendship.  Also consider the effect it will have on you to maintain a friendship while he continues a relationship with another woman.   

You do not have to be friends to be a lighthouse.   Instead be “friendly” without being friends.  Treat him with  the basic respect and kindness deserving of any human being.   Take the high road in interactions with him but I would rethink being actual friends with him.  Right now he doesn’t deserve it.   

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #127 on: October 19, 2019, 07:43:12 AM »
Anon!  All very good points!  I question if he and his ow2 broke up because it would make a lot of sense.  He is so different this last couple of weeks, so broken.  So I am not monkey braining if they are together, but many signs lead to a possible split.  He said recently he cannot love anyone, which to me is a good sign.  The only solution to not loving anyone is working on yourself.

As far as a friendship, I agree it is very tricky.  I do not look to him as a friend, but he is reaching out to me as a friend.  I know that during replay they are only capable of thinking of themselves.  I do recognize I need boundaries(this has only been going on for two weeks).  That said, I do think me being friendly benefits me and the kids in every way.

For instance, the renters wanted to stay another year and financially that is a win for everyone, also it may mean the kids and I can move back in at a later date.  Before he would have fought me tooth and nail, but now he kind of just goes along.

Same for a smaller financial decision I just made, before he questioned every move I made(even though I have no bad intention), now not even a blink.

He plans to divorce me and before it was very ugly, now that we are “friends” in his eyes he is willing to go the much more affordable route and may even postpone.  I also see him wanting to come to mutual agreements during the divorce if we are getting along, versus a huge fight.  So he does not deserve “friendship” for sure, but for now it is what I believe is best.  He does know I will enforce boundaries if he gets out of line(as I have for 6 months).  So far us being “friends” has had the opposite effect, he is treating me well, volunteering to help with kids, trying harder, even telling me of his activities.  Technically we are 19 months post bd, his first bd was unrecognized by me until later. 

It is difficult because I will never know if he has another women, and so I have to just be friendly and coparent without expectations.  He keeps things well hidden. 

I guess for me it comes down to what I am comfortable with and I am not sure yet.  My boundaries seem to work well with him, he knows he cannot get away with anything without a consequence from me. 

« Last Edit: October 19, 2019, 07:54:19 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #128 on: October 19, 2019, 07:52:11 AM »
FJ....it will be 4 years in January.  And, no, it is not difficult for me at all because I have no problem leaving the past and living in my present simply because the two have nothing in common but ME.  When I was married, it was either US as a couple or HIM.  There literally was no ME...I was just there for him, or as the other half of some absurd equation.   

How could I not see all of this, then?  Simple.  I was too close to it to recognize it.  Much like I believe the MLC'ER and anyone close to them...family, mostly, are too close to see the damage and pain they are inflicting.  Once he left, there was only me to focus on.  Maybe that's what made it easier to an extent, but it also made it more persistent and raw because there was no else to help offset the burden of it or distract me from doing the hard work of my own introspection.

We all have things we wish we could've done differently too.  I accepted right away that he wasn't the only responsible party...I was there too.  Yes, ultimately it was him who walked away, and that will always be his burden to bear, but I knew I was no where near being the whole and fulfilled person I was created to be, so I got busy.  In the gym, in my spirituality,  in my emotional and mental self growth and ultimately forging other romantic and non romantic relationships....reading, learning, growing, putting myself out into this vast world again.  Just being able to breathe freely and experience life on my own terms again has made a huge difference.   When you spend so much time with someone it is only natural to pick up and assume some of their characteristics and let me tell you.....the person I was after being with him for 18 years, was NOT the person I was on my way to becoming before I met and married him.  A far cry, in fact. 

4 years later, I am back that younger girl, except now I know exactly WHO I am.  I know what I like and don't like.  I recognize now when someone does not have my best interests at heart, when disrespect is the mood and when my boundries are being crowded, and at every one of these times, I have a choice to make:  to let it continue like the old married me would have, just to keep the peace or to put my foot down, make my voice heard, and stand for ME.   So, when this all came to a head 4 years ago, I chose to stand for ME....not him and his unwillingness to assume the same responsibility for his own issues....and the only time I look back is to be reminded of just how far I've taken myself since then.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #129 on: October 19, 2019, 08:06:54 AM »
Blessed, That is awesome!  I have often thought it is hard in different ways when no kids are involved.  My kids are what forced me to get it together, and my littles cuddle with me making it feel less lonely.

So I have never believed it was easier to walk through this without kiddies.  It just hurts more people when kids are involved and it’s so much harder to walk away.

I can totally see how overtime we change to fit the mold of the couple and often give too much of ourself away in the process.  I have learned in this that no one person can meet my needs.  I need other people to experience things with that my spouse is not interested in, or needs he cannot meet.

I feel the same way, after the split I recognized many things about me I needed to work on.  In that way this has been a good thing.  Onward and upward Blessed!  Knowing who you are and what you want is huge!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #130 on: October 19, 2019, 09:12:48 PM »
My h is in TX, so I did not expect to hear from him this week, but he has called everyday.  I have been writing about my conflicting feelings about the situation.  Him wanting to be friends, but not wanting the marriage. 

I realized today that since August of 2018 my husband’s heart has been turned completely against me.  So him wanting to be friends, calling regularly etc is a step in the right direction.  Before he preferred to avoid me at all costs.  He was angry and ugly towards me.  Now he is friendly and light. 

I had asked him last month what he wanted from the kids for Christmas.  I thought that was the way to go.  Surprisingly on his TX trip he asked what he should get from the kids for me.  He gets to hear what he is missing out on quite a bit when it comes to the kids when he calls.  I just mention what is going on with them, no guilt trips.

He just asked if we are doing joint Christmas gifts from both of us.  I said we can.  The truth is, I do not want to miss out on seeing my kids for half of every holiday.  So for now it makes sense to allow him to come on Christmas.  For Thanksgiving he will be in TN with friends(or at least that has been his story), he planned this when he thought we were going to TX.  I guess this is the struggle we will face forever if we divorce, either get along and do holidays together or miss time with your kids.

He has been more open about his activities when he calls, just naturally saying what he is up to.  He mentioned last week that I think he lives this great single life(I have never thought that;), but that he doesn’t. 

So, I have made a decision.  I will just keep doing what is best for me and the kids, and worry less about how that effects him.  If my decisions mean he is doing some “cake eating”, but it benefits the kids and I, so be it.  Rather than set boundaries for now, I will just begin to make myself less available.  I will be too busy at times to be around for pickup or drop offs, not answer some calls, be vague about my activities and at times when I do see him be disinterested. 

I am very comfortable with this plan.  It allows me space, but keeps things very friendly.  At Easter he just skipped it all together because he did not want joint holidays, so this is progress, if only for coparenting.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #131 on: October 20, 2019, 11:13:21 PM »
Quote
So, I have made a decision.  I will just keep doing what is best for me and the kids, and worry less about how that effects him.
Perfect!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #132 on: October 21, 2019, 04:26:09 AM »
Hello,

Quote
If my decisions mean he is doing some “cake eating”, but it benefits the kids and I, so be it.

Boundaries are set to protect the LBSer, not punish the MLCer. If no contact is to prevent the MLCer from monstering at every opportunity, then it protects the LBSer.

In regards to cake eating, that is more in regards to you. Do you believe he is getting all the benefits of the marriage without any commitment? Do you feel he is using you or the kids at his beck and call? Once again boundaries are set in regards to protecting the children not preventing him/her from seeing them. In your case, if he is supporting your children, why not? What made you upset in the first place was his lack of support.

My advice is to continue to do what feels right for you. After all, you are still moving forward with your plans to teach, you have an idea of where you will be when the divorce occurs, and you have no expectations of him.

Personally, I think you are moving in the right direction and making decisions that keep you in control of you and your children.

((((Hugs))))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #133 on: October 21, 2019, 07:43:03 AM »
Thanks PJ and Ready.

Ready, this just started a couple of weeks ago, and if it went on long term I would have concerns he was getting benefits of the marriage without commitment.  Though he still misses out on the majority of time with our kids.  Yes, I felt the need for more boundaries when he was monstering, now I question where those boundaries should be.  Not to punish him, but because he should not feel too comfortable with his decision to ditch us(best of both worlds).  It is a tough balance.  Also, I do not want to feel like a doormat at his beck and call whenever he wants.

This is tough to navigate.  If he ever asks to do anything with the kids it’s always yes when possible.  Access to me is the issue. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #134 on: October 21, 2019, 08:50:46 AM »
So I’ve noticed a gray cloud lately over myself and s12.  We are both just a bit down.  He discussed it with me and I had noticed it in him and in me.

Maybe another layer of healing beginning, or just feeling the reality of a pending divorce, limbo or having my h around again as “friends”, when really he is currently a piece of crap.

For my son I’m sure the reasons are complex, but obvious.

Why is the process so mind numbingly hard.  I am trying to do right by my family and if I just moved on from my h, set firm boundaries and gave myself time this would be less hard.

The truth is, it is my belief that most reconciliations that happen, require the lbs to keep putting themselves out there a bit, reaching out their hand so to speak(as BB said) in hopes that eventually the MLCer takes it.  It is a hard grueling process because a large part of me anyways, often wants to extend something other than a hand.  Possibly some mace...

I will never truly understand how someone can be this selfish, abandon their family, their beliefs.  He is doing better, trying harder, and I’m glad.  It seems like to me, that just resurfaces what he has done, who he is, the fact that he has chosen anyone and everyone over me for sometime.

Forgive me as I need to work through this, and many will not relate.  That is ok.

The thing is, I struggle with doing what I believe is the right thing.  I cannot remember who wrote it recently, but someone spoke what I feel.  My vision is for a whole family, it is best for my kids, biblically the right thing, ultimately best for my husband.  The question is, in all of this, where do I fit.  Do my feelings even equate.  Do I lose myself in trying to make sure everyone else is ok, that the family structure survives.  If I don’t fight for my family, by waiting on my husband than who will.  It’s all up to me to be the strong one, to pray, to trust, to believe enough for the both of us.

I do believe in laying my “flesh” at the foot of the cross.  It feels as if in order to move forward, I must die to myself daily.  Which is scriptural.  A part of me is being lost in all of this and I am unsure if that is bad or good.  Perhaps this is a purifying process getting rid of the parts of me that no longer need to be there.

I think of Christ’s example, loving us enough to give His life.  Perhaps I am called to live my life to serve others and in such away that Loves the unlovable, that forgives the unforgivable.  That has never been as hard as it is now with a feeling that I have a “Judas” in my husband.  My heart feels like he is Judas, but my head knows he is more like the Prodigal son.  He is perhaps both in a way.  He is hurting, he is running, but in doing so he betrayed us in his choices.

I have never mentioned this on here before because it is too complicated.  Here goes.  I was never truly adopted by the family that took me in and always received mixed messages.  I always wanted to be treated just as their other children, but they got me as a teenager.

So I never said anything until the deployment, I think because until then I had my family in my husband and kids.  The deployment caused a major rift between me and my best friend/Mom(the family that took me in).  Mostly because for the first time, I needed them as parents and they(she) just didn’t care.  She seemed to have no empathy and this was also the case with her own children(I see that now).  During this time I asked where I stood in the family.  It was a lonely dark time for me, as I felt I had no one and before this I had always had my h and this woman.

Ultimately I backed way off from the relationship and felt like I had been there for her all of these years, (I am also her best friend) and that in my time of need she was not only not there, but rejected me.

So, when my husband bd me, it was the beginning of she and I reconciling.  She has been my biggest supporter.  I realize now that during the last few years she was going through menopause and it changed her emotions.  She still has hormonal fluctuations now, but not in the same way.

I bring this up because, yesterday, 3 1/2 years from the start of this, she profusely apologized.  She told me she has never feared losing anyone as much as me.  That she and I are closer than her and her Mom or sister.  That she regrets her sin so much and that she would give anything to take it back.  I’m leaving a lot of what happened out of the story, but ultimately she had made new friends, and they sort of replaced her family and myself.  No affair.  It could have been a MLT.

I had no hope for mine and her relationship a year ago.  I did not think I could ever get passed the hurt.  Because during that deployment my h turned his back on me(he broke over there, but did not tell me, just cut communication) and so did she.  These were the two most important people in my life. 

We are really close again and only time will tell if we will ever be as close as we were before this happened.  It does give me hope for my marriage.


« Last Edit: October 21, 2019, 09:23:25 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #135 on: October 22, 2019, 11:31:52 AM »
Hey FJ,

The downs and ups..... very difficult and no real explanation too..... weird isn't it? Like you could have something good happen, and it's good for a little while and then..... it's like it didn't even happen and you're back to feeling like before. Super weird.

Your H sounds like he's making some attempts. I think you're totally right, most reconciliations need the LBS to extend their hand and putting themselves out there. Hard to get your hand slapped or worse, they take it and their grip slips...... but it is what's needed (IMO).
That professional help he's getting will take some time. Although it isn't fun or fair, see if he stabilizes. If he does, you may get to really see the struggle he's going thru. Especially if he really opens up about it. If that professional really hits the core, he's going to need someone to share it with...... if for no other reason then to vocalize it (he may get to the point of sharing so that you understand, but not in the beginning.... it's all about him, and for him). Listening without judgement will help him start to trust you again, and value you again. It sounds like this is already underway. This is very hard, as you will probably want to know where you stand, what he thinks about you, what he thinks about the future, etc. He probably won't vocalize this and probably won't know the answer himself.

One little tip if you're not already doing it...... when he does something good, or makes a real attempt. Make sure you tell him. Building them back up is very important, and it will connect him to you. If he knows or is starting to know that the problem is really him, knowing that you care and that his attempts aren't for nothing will matter a great deal (although he probably won't be able to vocalize that it does.... his eyes and face will tell you). He may shake his head or disagree that he's a good person.... but he will think about this endlessly. Part of him will know it's him, part of him will be confused. The knowing part will grow until his mind knows and conflicts with his instincts. They will fight, but the mind wins.

On doing the right thing.... you are doing the right thing already. You are struggling and hurting, and growing. You aren't perfect, so don't worry about mistakes.... you're trying to save your family..... that says it all. You haven't given up, you're fighting. Awesome FJ. You're doing your part, that's all you can do.... and doing your part will inspire him to do his part.

Let him fight himself. You will be forgotten until he's all bashed up and then he'll reach out again.... and again.... and again. Each time he will put another thread of trust in you, until it is a tether. In time, he will not be able to get away..... it will be strong enough to hold him there. Then new work will be needed.

Awesome about your mom. Yup sounds like MLT or something similar. I'd be so curious to hear if she is emotionally different/better now. This stuff is EVERYWHERE!!!!

Keep going, you are totally awesome (don't forget it).

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #136 on: October 22, 2019, 04:03:29 PM »
SS, I would say she came out the other side calmer, and more caring.  More mature.  I believe hers was just your traditional run of the mill MLT.  I do not live near, so I did not know until later that she was distant with all of her kids.

I appreciate the advice SS.  When he does something good, I will encourage him!

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online Father5

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #137 on: October 22, 2019, 08:53:52 PM »
Hi FJ

I am right there with you! I am struggling to find strength to put my hand out there or knowing when to do it. Did your H come to you?

 My W has gone silent. We don't talk or see each other except on rare accations during kid exchanges. She had filed and is adamant about the divorce so far.

I am always polite but short and business like. My W has mentioned in the beginning that she wants to be friends. I am not sure if this is still the case and I am not sure I have the strength to see her with OM.

You sound so strong you have been a great guiding Force for me. I always read your thread.

Thank you
Father
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #138 on: October 23, 2019, 08:31:09 AM »
Father, he has pursued a friendship with me in the last month.  I am pulling back because it hurts and he still plans to d me.  I am going to go back to short polite replies and avoiding him some.

I really think him and his ow2 broke up, but he has no intention of us reconciling.

I’m surprised you think I am strong.  I do not currently feel it.  You are doing great!  So long as she is with OM that is all you can do.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #139 on: October 23, 2019, 09:00:36 AM »
I have been feeling a bit depressed this last week or two, but I realize now it is because I could not seem to release my pain and hurt.  I just couldn’t cry.  My plan was to watch some sad movies to find a way to let it out, but today on the way home from school drop offs I exploded in tears and feel so much better.

I am going to distance myself some from my h.  Not completely back to before, still friendly, but it hurts me to be around him so much.  It has caused me to spiral.  I was in a good place and now I am struggling.  Not with missing who he currently is, but being around him reminds me of all he did and the feelings of abandonment and rejection.

It reminds me that I am alone and stuck in limbo and I have so many obstacles to get through in the next couple of years.  This all because of his selfishness.

I believe my h and OW broke up.  I made it very clear that if he is seeing anyone I do not want anything but a business relationship.  He insists he is not and I believe this to be true because of his shift in behavior.  He calls me and his family regularly now.  For the last few weeks, and is reaching out to the kids.  He was so broken last week and I think it was likely from a break up.

He called yesterday and said that he told his Mom I have never kept him from her and that the opposite is true.  Another interesting thing he said is that I want him to be something he’s not.  I in no way followed any rules on yesterdays conversation and acted on emotions.

I said, by that do you mean a husband and father?  He of course did not answer.  I feel trapped.  I am still married to him, and for me this is best for now, but it keeps me in emotional limbo.

I think because as long as we are married I feel it my duty to try in our marriage.  To do my best to make it work.  It’s just who I am, but once we divorce I will probably grieve more and then move on.

Interestingly enough my husband said that sometimes people just need someone to blame.  At first I thought he was talking about himself and I thought wow, we are finally getting somewhere.  He was speaking of his Mom trying to blame me for him not wanting to see her all these years. 

I asked him, do you think you have done the same.  No.  I said you do not think you blamed me for everything wrong in your life this last year?  No, we both found fault in each other.

Wow, he’s already rewritten his rewritten history to forget what a psychopath he was.  I already know how this story ends, because his Mom went before him.  If he stays on this path eventually the story of our break up and divorce will be a total distorted lie designed to make me at fault and him a victim.

He did say he does not want to do what his Mom did and wants to try harder with the kids.  If he does continue to try with the kids I will chose to live near him in TX very likely.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #140 on: October 23, 2019, 10:03:52 AM »
Hey FJ!!!

Sounds like a lot of processing with you.  :D

Chin up, you're doing great!!! All that work, all that hurt, you're carrying it like a champ.

So you think he broke up? That's great. It'll force some processing in him. Some encouragement: You don't know why. He's already been getting some help, so the pot is being stirred. Did stirring the pot "make" him break up? Very possible. If that is the case, then what really caused the break up? You did. His buried love for you.

Oh that "you want me to be something I'm not"..... I've heard that so many times. AND "you expect things from me" (or stuff like it). Script with a dash of truth.
He does know what you want, and he thinks about it (positive about this). What he's not saying is that he doesn't know if he's good enough to BE that. So much doubt and so much broken. What he also can't express is that he wants to be that, and can't see a way to become that (yet). He's gotta cook.
His reaching out is sooooo good. Soooo good. He's trying, grasping for a branch while he's sinking.
Who knows if he's bottomed, or just on a ledge. Can you save him on the ledge? No, but he can..... and only if he has an anchor (IMO).

I wouldn't worry about rewritten history..... it's normal. He will need something solid to latch on to while processing and figuring out what is real. Whatever is in his mind is false, if he is starting to be self-aware he needs to see something which is in conflict with the lies in his mind. That will help him cook.

Just a thought, I know you hurt to be near him. If he's broken up with OW...... what would happen if you invited him to a family dinner? Or watching a movie at home..... something familiar. Yes this will be very difficult. It would show him what he's missing, show him the door is open, show him there is something that he CAN be a part of potentially. Not to sweep under the rug, not to forget. It will probably be harder for him then for you (really). Just a thought.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #141 on: October 23, 2019, 10:11:27 AM »
SS, I will really consider that.  The thing is, I’m starting to think I should always do the opposite of what my instincts are in this MLC ;) Right now I want to run away from him, but perhaps this is the time not to.  I could allow him to eat with us before trick or treating.

I made it clear that if he is in a relationship I want us to be purely business, so hopefully he respects that.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #142 on: October 23, 2019, 10:34:40 AM »
The thing is, I’m starting to think I should always do the opposite of what my instincts are in this MLC ;) Right now I want to run away from him, but perhaps this is the time not to.

WoooHooooo!!!! Yes FJ!!!! YES!!!!

That is where the break-thru's are. Yes yes yes!!!!! It looks so hard and you want to go right, everything in you says go right..... left is so much more difficult, and more risky. Go left.

The thing is, you are still his mirror. What you go thru, so is he. He will see (and if unseen, he will know..... can't be explained) that you did the hard thing. Just like your instincts are saying to do one thing, so too is it for him. It will inspire him to do the same as he is your mirror.

Oh yes, think about trying it and see what happens. What do you have to lose? Hurt? You hurt anyway. MLC? He's in MLC anyway.
I'm very excited for you!!!

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Father5

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #143 on: October 23, 2019, 11:19:44 AM »
    My gosh I am right there with you FJ!

   My wife hit me over the head with her holiday plans. She literally dictated them to me in a text about ten minutes ago. Basically it read like this" I will be at so and so's house on the 27th and 28th do you want the those days or the 29th and 30th ? I will be skiing i at so and so these days do you want the kids those days or the other days.

   So basically the schedule she is asking for is in her favor or whatever/whenever she wants to travel. My head says to say F/no this is your mess you can't have this traveling life and leave the kids with me to accomadate your schedule. This is your mess you started not mine. She is adamit about the divorce , she has filed. At some point I am going to have to find the courage to make a play to change something or try something different. I like you will not and am not able to be aroound the OM. I feel lost not knowing what to do. I will try and do whats best for the kids as always. But financially we are in two separate places. I cannot go skiing for weeks on end etc etc. I shouldn't have to miss my kids because she can. I also want my kids to have that kind of fun, who woould't want that. 

  Anyway I am trying to figure this out. I don't like being around her at the moment, I still can't look her in the eye.

Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #144 on: October 23, 2019, 11:34:38 AM »
Father, he has pursued a friendship with me in the last month.  I am pulling back because it hurts and he still plans to d me.  I am going to go back to short polite replies and avoiding him some.

I really think him and his ow2 broke up, but he has no intention of us reconciling.

I’m surprised you think I am strong.  I do not currently feel it.  You are doing great!  So long as she is with OM that is all you can do.

Well, he is processing...but one of the problems is that can lead us to get pulled into the kind of talks you describe here...which tends to lead to expectations that bite us hard on the bum before we know it.

Fwiw, I get your point about feeling you should try bc you are still married. I'd like to invite you to put that obligation down for a moment though bc right now (sorry) you would be one hand clapping.

But what you do both seem to currently share as a goal is for him to be a more present, pleasant father? So could you put the m (and relationship with you) to one side for right now and if you did would doing the trick treat supper feel ok with you given that you don't much like hanging with him right now? Can you do it in a way which is more kids and less you somehow say? Or would you prefer to do it as if you were already divorced say?
« Last Edit: October 23, 2019, 11:36:08 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #145 on: October 23, 2019, 03:02:36 PM »
Father!  It truly is hard and if your wife is living a lavish seemingly carefree lifestyle it would be much harder to process.  Mine has never admitted to an OW, ever.  When he got caught in all his lies about OW1, he just said they were friends and he lied because it was none of my business. 

I only knew about ow2 because of a joint phone bill, not that I have looked in months.  So I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to have to meet the affair partner or be around them regularly.

My thought process is, if they are heavily involved with another person, all we can do is follow SMART contact(YouTube), heal, GAL and become the best version of us.  That way(#1 we are healthy), but secondarily if they ever do come back(and we want them) we are ready and who we are is a draw.

Or, if we move on who we are is a draw to others.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #146 on: October 23, 2019, 03:25:53 PM »
Treasure, I agree about the one hand clapping.  Also that when they cycle back towards us that it is difficult to refrain from relationship talks.  For me it was difficult because it brought up all of those old feelings, but I can see how in time expectations are a problem if not kept in check.

Reading the reconciliation post, we apparently have years and years where expectations have absolutely no place(if things do work or don’t).   ::)

I feel like him being around too much sucks me back into crazy-town and I have to stay in Saneville.  The truth is, unless he starts being ugly or seeing someone, I will allow family time, I will also allow contact.  Just not as much as he wants(as far as me answering the phone).  I likely pushed him away quite a bit with our convo yesterday, and for me that is not necessarily a bad thing as I needed space.

Also, sometimes for good or bad I feel the need to tell him how I feel.  I try not too, but sometimes I do.

We will see how it goes.  I do believe he is processing, but our situation is different.  So long as he is not right with God, I cannot see him coming home because he equates the two.  In other words, he does not like being around me because I remind him of his current relationship with God.  He also feels like so long as he is running from God(my words) that we are on different paths.  So, I have no expectations of him trying to come home, until or unless he recommits his life to Christ.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #147 on: October 24, 2019, 08:42:21 AM »
I have my first big test in a couple of weeks and the next two weeks later.  Each costs $150 to take, so I’m hopeful to pass the first time.  So long as I pass these I can work next year as a teacher(as long as I get hired), but the actual license will require 2 more tests in the spring and 300 hours of internet class work.

This semester I have not had to do anything towards licensure except study for these test as I have to wait on the state to move forward.

Next semester will be busy.

Today is half day at my littles school and parent/teacher conferences.  Thankfully my d8 and I have figured out a system that works for her in spelling and she has made an A on her last two tests.  So I’m hoping she will pull her grade up in no time.  She has significantly improved in reading as well, so if she keeps going this route we will not test her for Dyslexia.  She may just be on the slower side of learning to read, which is great news!  Dyslexia is a life long struggle(and costs us an arm and a leg for my s12 for therapy) versus a couple of years working hard at learning to read well and figuring out her learning style.  She gets pulled out of class 4 days a week for extra help in reading and we have always read at home every night.  It is quite a commitment, but we have a handle now.

It’s a little weird, but even my MLCer has been very serious about the situation.  He helps her on Tuesdays and she says he is adamant that she gets the words right.  She works with me, s12 and d14 and says I am the most patient with reading and spelling and daddy is the least out of us all.  It has been a team effort for sure.

My d14 has hurt her knee and so will not get to play varsity soccer this year.  It’s too bad because she was being watched by the military command for an opportunity in Europe to go and play there for a season through some special program.  It’s ok though, because there is a good chance that my d14 will get to spend her summer 2021 in Poland as her best friend is moving there.  So if one door closes...  Plus, I will likely go for a couple of weeks!!!

D14 is on track to finish 2 years of school in 1 and is just flying through her work with A’s.  The only drawback has been she has not had time to take driving school and she needs to.  She is considered the top student at her school.  Her piano teacher has said that my d14 has a special talent for music and plays beautifully.  She is also working with her on vocals as my d14 loves to sing.

My s5 is also one of the top students in his class as school comes easy for him.  He is the sweetest most laid back kid.  Except for food, he is a picky eater.  He is doing very well overall.

My s12 has fully hit puberty, and is struggling some with depression.  He has been trying to skate by and not work hard at his Dyslexia therapy and guitar lessons and I have had to be on him.  He is such a sweet boy and he and I have always naturally been close.  He starts football next week.

My h just called and we had a perfect balance of friendly business, no relationship talk.  He used therapy words and said he tries not to be reactionary.  He is going to help me out on my testing day by picking up the kids from school and taking two to a Dr’s appointment.  I am thankful that I seem to be able to rely on him.  We seem to have a good working relationship and I hope it sticks.  He is coming for Halloween and I did tell him I will have some Chili made up.  Also, we will all be together for s12’s football games so we have plenty of things constantly bringing us together.

This time last year I lived in fear of my husband.  He was scary and I kept my door locked at night.  Now, he seems to be in a better place.  We are coparenting well, and I don’t feel like at any moment he is going to try to hurt me in some way.

My favorite season is fall, and we get to wear sweaters in the area of FL we live in!!!  We typically take them off by noon, but still!  I’m actually wearing pants and a sweater and am cold!!!  This makes me happy.  What if I get to pull out boots soon or a real jacket!  I am making different fall soups every night and of course all things pumpkin.  I’m going to make trim healthy mama pumpkin muffins today!

Happy Fall! 






« Last Edit: October 24, 2019, 09:03:43 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #148 on: October 25, 2019, 09:21:27 AM »
I’m at the hair dresser under the dryer getting strawberry blonde highlights.  It is my birthday weekend and I turn 39 on Sunday.  I guess I will need to do highlights every 12 weeks now because I have started getting a few gray hairs.

We have a big fall festival tomorrow at church that we are going to, and then h will take the kids on Saturday after the event. 

Something crazy happened yesterday.  My s12 and his friends were on the back play area at school.  They had gotten ahold of some very large bubble wrap.  They were jumping on one bubble at a time and a few kids were arguing about something.  The argument was nothing big, but there is a nearby house.  They heard the argument and thought the bubble wrap was gun shots.  A ton of police cars showed up with dogs and everything.

Thankfully everyone ended up laughing it off, but I’m sure that was scary for the kids having so many police show up.

My d8 is currently my hardest kid.  I give her constant attention trying to help her feel loved.  I do not think she will accept love from anyone until she and her Daddy are good.  He is aware of the issue and is working on it.  She is a handful right now, but she drew a sad picture yesterday and said this is how she feels.  So finally some expressed emotions.

I am thrilled about my d8’s parent teacher conference.  She made A’s and B’s except in spelling and our goal is to get her on A/B honor roll for next time.  The schools grading system is really stringent.

He just finished my hair and did a wonderful job!  Now I’m listening to George Straight Radio on Pandora and headed home for a pimento cheese lettuce wrap burger.  Mmm.

I remember not too long ago when I couldn’t even listen to love songs.  Now, I have hope for my future with or without my h’s return and so the idea of loving and being loved is a good thing.  If he chooses to love me, and accept my love, good, if not someone else will eventually.

I’m learning that getting older takes work.  Now I have to do more to look the same;). Things that I took for granted 20 years ago, are now things I work for.

I went and reread some of the HS content in the table of contents.  Specifically the part about how sometimes your spouse keeps running when the split from ow because they are still in crises.  It has bothered me tremendously that my h says he cannot love anyone right now(recently), but that we split because he doesn’t love me.  I know, I know, but it has run through my mind.  I guess because it’s so ridiculous.

Anyways, I’m not feeling depressed since my good cry the other day!  So many great things about this time of year!

 

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #149 on: October 25, 2019, 05:14:25 PM »
Here’s the thing about MLC, you end up being thankful for scraps.  Things are on an upswing.  I’m trying to be thankful.  Truly. 

So here’s the story.  There are a lot of positives if you compare my situation to a month ago.  I guess it’s all perspective. 

My extended family is renting a home in Branson the week leading up to Christmas!  Yay!  The kids and I are going and my h is willing to watch the family dog. 

He called to chat tonight.  He continues to be friendly and is consistent with his visits with the kids, but travels a lot, which causes him to miss some.  He travels some for work and some for play.  In essence he is living the single life.  He does what he wants, when he wants.

He has been calling me and his family regularly.  Most days and is trying harder with the kids.  When he called tonight he mentioned watching the kids while I go out with friends sometime.  So, I have a lot to be thankful for lately.  He is polite and friendly.

So then I realize that tomorrow for the fall festival they booked me to volunteer the whole time, I thought I just volunteered for part of it.  My little kids need someone to walk them around.
The thing is, it’s last minute, I get that.  I asked if he could take them.  He has plans.

But, he shouldn’t have plans because HIS kids are going to a fall festival that he knew was on the calendar.  He shouldn’t have plans because he should be here being responsible and helping me raise our children.  He just got back from a week long vacation to TX. 

So I am torn between wanting to throat punch 🤛🏻 him and trying to be thankful that he’s no longer acting like a raving lunatic.  That at least he seems sane.  That at least he’s trying.

It’s not enough.  I’m tired of doing this alone.  Him throwing out the occasional bone is not enough, and yet it has to be.  It’s all I’m going to get for a good long while.

What a selfish, selfish man, but at least for now he’s not also a Monster.

MLC life.


Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #150 on: October 25, 2019, 05:19:43 PM »
Hey FJ!!!!

Hahahahha, the whole "it takes effort to do what I took for granted 20 years ago......", ain't that the truth!!!! LOL!!!! I should be Arnold by now!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAH

Ah, H is all zapped out. Yeah, that's normal. They are like a Duracell battery..... strong when full and then weak.....weak.....weak..... and so long to charge.
When they are strong it's like "Oh yeah!!! Here we go!!!!" and then *poof*.... where'd all the energy go?????

Selfish.... yup..... but sometimes I wonder..... is it true selfishness all the time? I'm not sure. When the tank is empty, there just isn't any gas.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #151 on: October 25, 2019, 05:35:28 PM »
SS, haha!  Old people life ;).

Do you think his solo week long trip, Friday night and Saturday morning plans may have worn him out ::). Poor guy, it’s a hard knock life 8)
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #152 on: October 26, 2019, 03:25:52 AM »
Oh FJ, I hear you! Looking well once you go past 35 takes a lot more time and effort! I started getting grey hairs in my early 30s so you got away with it for much longer than I have!

I'm sorry you are getting only scraps. MLC is so unfair isn't it? My experience was different because my H simply disappeared so I wasn't even getting scraps.. it did help me to detach sooner but also meant a lot of doubting as I wasn't seeing the crazy behaviour. Only time will tell what happens.. the main thing is that you do you.. hard when kids are involved but you are a great mum so you got this!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #153 on: October 26, 2019, 01:43:16 PM »
One Day!  Such great advice about me doing me!  It seems like no matter what MLC style they are, it is tough and hurtful!

Now I will follow your advice, but not right this moment!  😂😂😂

Journaling, There is a week out of every month that I need to avoid my MLCer for both of our sakes.  Before I was just emotional and he wasn’t around so it didn’t effect him much.

Now with him calling all the time and in general being all about him still, I may avoid him more at certain times.

So I was really irritated with him last night and today.  I said nothing last night, but today he heard it.  I’m not sure I can explain my feelings.

He went on vacation solo, and then instead of having the kids on his night(last night), he said he had work plans.  So I accommodated to today. 

But instead of him making himself available to take the kids to the Fall festival, he again had plans and they had to miss it because of a misunderstanding in my volunteer time.

In other words, no matter how much me time he gets, it’s still all about him.  If I say anything he gets ticked.  It’s not my business.

The thing is, he’s improved significantly, but before he wasn’t around and now he is more.  So I’m dealing with him more and it’s like dealing with a 2 year old.  Except two year olds are cute and cuddly. 

I had given him the festival date a month ago.  So, I ended up saying something after the kids had to miss the festival.  It did not help that when he called I was deep cleaning the little kids room.  I should not have answered, but to be honest I’m sick of walking on eggshells and not being able to give my opinion.

So, there was a feeling of, here I am at home holding down the fort and raising our kids, while h is off doing whatever.

So, when he called in a cheery mood to ask if he could get the kids two hours later than expected, I told him what I thought.

I said, because you are not here being a father, all of the responsibilities are on me and our kids are the ones that miss out.  I said, I hope you had a good time with your plans, but you just went on a week long vacation and I needed help here. 

He came by to get the kids and he seemed ticked, but interesting enough he felt the need to defend himself.  He said, not that it’s your business, but I talk with my old cell group leader every other Saturday.

So, good!  That’s good news that he is talking to someone who can help him grow, that said, he did not talk to his cell group leader for 8 hours today.  At most 2, so he just said what I wanted to hear and tried to make himself look good.

I said, well I’m glad you talked to your cell group leader, but you need to be helping out with these kids.  It seems you’ve always got plans and I’m left doing it all.

I can say this, some of you have the patience of saints, you zip your lips and wait patiently.  My feelings become very strong when my kids are being effected.  For instance d8 and s12 are struggling and I am dealing with it alone even though he caused it, but then I’m supposed to play nice with the man hurting my kids.

Most days I do it because I believe it is best, but somedays....

So, griping aside I do believe he is making headway in the tunnel.  I do not look at today as a set back because my feelings matter too, not just his.  I am a person with feelings as well and I feel like our lives have been all about his feelings since he got back from deployment.

Well, the kids and I also have feelings.  We also hurt, but he only sees his hurt.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2019, 02:29:13 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #154 on: October 29, 2019, 08:26:20 AM »
FJ,

Two things:

1) The occasional truth dart will not hurt. You too have an emotional limit that he is constantly pushing and he DOES have responsibilities for his kids, whether he likes it or not.

2) You need a new thread please:



Next Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11185
« Last Edit: October 31, 2019, 05:16:55 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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