Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the little things.  (Read 2640 times)

Offline One day at a time

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2019, 02:45:25 PM »
FJ, all caught up now.. I'm very sorry for the coffee mediation disappointment, it's hard to experience those things but the good news is that those things help us detach.. I think we all need to see enough evidence that our spouses have been taken by aliens before we can truly say enough is enough.. You don't know the end of the story but right now, the story doesn't include your H..
I can relate with the feeling of wanting to have the D behind you and never see your H again.. I'm going through the same right now and it's surprising because I never thought I would get to this point but I have.. As you, I might be able to forgive in time but letting my H in again? I'm not sure about that..

As for your FOO, I'm sorry to hear everything you went through and I can understand why you wanted something different for your kids but as you said, you can only control your actions.. We are all conditioned by our FOO.. I think my lack of interest in having kids was because my dad abandoned me and my mum and then he proceeded to abandon the kids he had with his second partner. I didn't want the same for me and any potential kids.. As much as I loved and trusted my H, my view always was that men walk away (thanks dad!) and my H proved me right..
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2019, 06:42:46 AM »
Father-You have done an amazing job of turning things around for your children and being the Dad they need.  I suppose if we stay strong and are who we need to be for them, we have done our part.  I have thought for months and realize that my own FOO issues are why my h and I married.  We both had a hard home life and bonded over that among other things.

So in that way those foo issues led to this very place.

One Day-It breaks my heart that your father left and that is why you did not want children, only to be reinforced by your h’s actions.  I suppose our story is very common and that shakes my ability to trust again.  Time heals all wounds, but the scars run deep.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 06:44:28 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #12 on: September 19, 2019, 07:41:33 AM »
My divorce recovery class was last night.  Lawyers were there to answer questions and then we had our small group.  I am the resident ‘child’ of the group.  All of the ladies seem to see me as a daughter.  They mother me, give me cookies and hand me their number.  They all have grown kids and most of them are being cheated on, and left by their husbands.  Actually all of them, that I know of.  Some are filing themselves, but all are having this forced on them. 

Admittedly it sickens me, in some ways more than my own situation.  These women faithfully served their families all of these years and are now discarded for younger women.  They gave their youth to these men, and now that they are older, they are being thrown away.  I am younger and can start over(though having kids at home is a different kind of struggle).  These women are grandmas, the kind that hug you and would do anything for you.  It hurts my heart that life can be so cruel.

The few men in the group are quieter.  They don’t share as much and I don’t try to get to know them.  I do know they are in just as much pain.  One new man came last night.  His wife is cheating.  It turns out our spouses are good friends.  They used to have lunch together(before she was deployed).  Interestingly, my h always said he does not have time to go to lunch, that he eats at his desk. He showed me a picture of my h, himself and his wife at a military event.  I very much remember the event.  My h still lived at home.  He did not invite me to the event and said he needed to get a hotel room for the night, because he did not want to drive drunk.

I was not happy about being excluded from the event to begin with, let’s say him saying he was getting a room did not go over well.  I told him I could pick him up, or he could get a cab, but it was not ok for him to not come home.  He showed up at 3am.

Anyways, this man seemed to think it possible our spouses were in affairs, but I doubt it.  At best/or worst a side affair to the main entree.  They probably just meet up to talk MLC stuff, like how to cheat without getting kicked out of the military, or how to make your spouse as miserable as possible, or what to do if your spouse seems happy.  ;)  Anyways the man seemed to want to bond and I do feel for him.  I just got the impression he was wanting to get even and I’m not interested in returning an affair for an affair. 
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 08:05:17 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #13 on: September 19, 2019, 09:32:21 AM »
Oh, also the two main couples that run the divorce support group, met at divorce support group.  Neither dated during, but did chuckle it was not long after. 

I do not understand my h’s need to call me.  He has made it perfectly clear how little he cares for me in the last year and as recently as a week ago.  So why call regularly?  Sometimes it’s justified as it would take longer to text.  We still have so much tying us together.  Bills, a house, finances, coordinating the d, and co-parenting.  Seeing each other and speaking regularly is inevitable.

Last night he called to see if things worked out for d14.   She wanted to stay for an event after church, but it was too late for me to drive her home and get the littles to bed for school.  She asked her dad, he said no.  So he called at the time of the event to see what happened.  He could have called her, she has a cellphone.  He seems to find reasons to see me and speak to me. 

I have decided to be very careful during this divorce to both avoid him as much as possible, but also stay in good communication.  It is in my best interests to not go dim until the d is over.  Ultimately, us working together on the d saves lawyer fees and us getting along leaves a better chance for an easy settlement.  The lawyers last night say they see cases like mine all the time(him being military with ptsd) and they often end up not settling and having to go to court. 

I just don’t understand it.  I would prefer to be left alone if he is going to divorce me, cheat on me, and treat me badly.  I’m not sure if it’s guilt and he wants to be friendly, or if he is just lonely.  I’m in a tough spot because we are still so linked and I want the d to be civil. 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #14 on: September 19, 2019, 04:58:29 PM »
FJ, I completely understand where you are coming from. When H was still living in this country, I still had regular contact with him. Not as much as you because we don't have kids but more than I probably needed/wanted.. But I took the same approach as you, kept things civil to have a drama free settlement.. even now where I would like to stop all contact, I do the formalities to keep the communication open just to we can get the remaining things settled..  I do hope things happen in a timely fashion for you but I wouldn't bet on it.. Shock sis mentioned this in her thread.. She didn't want her H and had her new life yet she knew divorce was the wrong thing to do so she dragged it out for 3 years I think? In the chaotic MLCer's head it probably makes sense.  ::)

I don't think you need to be a grandma to feel discarded. My H left me when I was 41 but I still felt discarded like an old rag. He traded me for a younger model, OW is 11 years younger than me and it really caused a massive dent to my self confidence. My IC and many of my friends keep talking about all the things I have going for me that would be very attractive for men.. And yet the only man I wanted, rejected me.. It has been a slow process but I have regained my self confidence back although I still have my moments!!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #15 on: September 19, 2019, 05:45:38 PM »
One Day!  For sure!  I feel discarded as well, I think it just seemed worse in some ways to me that these ladies were of a certain age.  But, it is just as hard for us in different ways.  Plus, who hurts a grandma....I don’t know.  My heart went out.

I guess contact is our only choice until the divorce is final.  I know if I move to text only, then when I need to talk to him I will not be able too.  Sometimes I absolutely need his help. 

I agree that my h is a lot like Shocks sister.  He seems pretty adamant about a divorce though.  She wasn’t, her husband wanted it.  My h is consumed with me not getting more of his pension(with each year I get another 2.5 percent) and is afraid of getting caught cheating at work(which at the least means a demotion).  Time will tell I guess.

Journaling-The beach was so nice today.  There was a nice breeze and the waves were crashing at my feet.  I love this time of year.  Also, the beach was practically deserted, all mine!

I need advice.  As stated I have to keep contact with my h and would prefer to keep it kind, but distant.  However, he can sense my detachment and when I am kind and polite he takes it a step further and tries to be buddies.  This happened tonight.  In his perfect world, I am fine, we are buddies and he can live consequence free. 

That said, I know it is not my responsibility to punish him or to fight this battle.  It is his to fight.  It really upset me though.  He calls everyday and today he joked and chit chatted.  It is intermingled with kid talk that needs to happen.  It takes a lot for me to be polite and the idea that he thinks we can be buddies does not sit well. 

I do wonder if it would be wise for me to just let it play out for the sake of an amicable divorce.  He will do a lot to be my ‘friend’ and ease his conscience.  I will admit, it made me feel hate toward him after getting off the phone.  I had to go outside and speak forgiveness. 

I guess he cannot win.  If he’s a monster I’m upset, if he tries to be best friends I’m upset.  So long as he is choosing this life, I prefer facts only in a polite way.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #16 on: September 19, 2019, 09:01:28 PM »
Quote
I guess he cannot win.
Cheaters never win, FJ!

Yeah, the buddy thing. "Let's just set aside for a minute the fact that I blew up our family, leaving a trail of pain and destruction. We can still be best friends, right?" Gaaaaah!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #17 on: September 20, 2019, 12:02:48 AM »
FJ,

Let's just say that you are in VERY good company..... From what I can tell, based on the accounts here, really high energy replayers seem to go full-on Monster while real Wallowers want to live in the basement, be BFF's and do whatever they want but are generally not all THAT nasty..... and there is the range in-between with the on-again, off-again Monster/BFF..... almost like schizophrenia...

I too have gotten the "We'll still be best friends, won't we?" tripe... I didn't even answer that one.... But I am SURE my face said enough....

As far as the communications go, when he wants to just "chat," you might need to do something, you know? "Oh sorry, I need to run. The kids need to wash their hair for school tomorrow...." If you have 4 kids, there are PLENTY of reasons to get off the phone with him and to limit the time speaking of things other than what needs to be spoken about.... An alternative is to just give the "Uh-huh... OK... Mm-hmm" kind of answers... If you don't reciprocate, he will likely loose interest in chatter pretty quickly.

I too however, worked HARD to have an amicable (for the kids) result from xW's D.... Now that it is over, I have reduced communication to dealing with kid stuff and that is all... No, xW, we will NOT be BFF's... First, I don't have friends that treat me the way I have been treated. Secondly, I know the way xW treated her "friends" and I am not interested. Thirdly, she doesn't WANT "friends." She wants enablers and accomplices and cheerleaders.... and that is NOT my idea of friendship....

« Last Edit: September 20, 2019, 12:04:23 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #18 on: September 20, 2019, 08:34:20 AM »
PJ, I truly do not understand the buddy thing.  Unfortunately I have many years of coparenting with my new buddy and will have to learn the dance of getting along.  I guess that’s good for my own personal growth though.  Always a positive.

UM, Yes!  Schizophrenia is exactly what it feels like.  He threatens me and is ugly and then he is buddy buddy.  I feel like it is a guilt thing. 

Those are great suggestions and truly I cannot just sit and chat like he can anyways, at least not without interruptions.  I completely agree with your take on friendship and could say all of those things about my h.  He does not want me as a friend, he wants me on board with his choices and for me to make it easy on him.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #19 on: September 21, 2019, 03:50:14 PM »
Today my h and I had a bit of a funny exchange(for me anyways).  He forgot to call before returning the kids and so I was not home. 

I had extra time on my hands today and got dressed up, just because.  Well, he stayed at the house with the kids until I got back and I could tell he thought I may have gone out with someone.  Really, I was running errands.  He is back to being super nice(we are best buds ::)). Anyways, I saw the look on his face when he got in his car.  He knows I am detaching further and he mentioned last week it would be tough to see the kids raised by someone else.  Ultimately it means nothing, I don’t see him changing his ways for sometime, but it was sort of nice to make him sweat.

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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