Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the little things.  (Read 2627 times)

Offline Treasur

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #110 on: October 14, 2019, 09:51:22 AM »
Yup, all sounds very MLC normal. The cycling. The instability. The irresistible unconscious pull of safe home cake. The weird wider drama of family connections. The inability to communicate clearly or really have much of a plan. The self pity. Yup, mlc normal.

But you seem to have found your balance FJ and detached enough to see it for what it is. And the need for boundaries if only to reduce the confusion for your kids. You've found your plot; your h is evidently still busy losing his. Sorry. But yes, normal  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #111 on: October 14, 2019, 10:00:28 AM »
Thank You Treasure!  I didn’t think he would get all crazy emotional like this until after replay, but I guess this is the cycling.  I wonder how he is holding down a job. 

My SIL says he calls constantly now to say the exact same things.  If they try to talk about anything else he gets mad.  So it is a convo repeat about his mother’s sickness.  I told them he cannot remember anything.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online beyondblessed

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #112 on: October 15, 2019, 01:35:29 AM »
FJ....he sounds like the typical MLC mess.  Hot, cold, rainy, sunny....whatever his emotions are at any given moment.  It is called an emotional rollercoaster for a reason
  I understand your concern for his wellbeing, but whether you institute boundaries or not, none of this is at all within your control.  He's going to do what he's going to do, regardless. Be polite, be his friend, but do so without the expectation of any sort of connection beyond that.

Only true detachment will give you the break from MLC that you seem to want.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #113 on: October 15, 2019, 06:55:15 AM »
Beyond!  Too true about their emotions.  What I wanted was space from all things MLC.  I am detached fully.  However, he is always around in one way or another.  His choices effect me and my kids greatly.  We are still very much so intertwined financially, with the kids, and our home.  So I guess I wanted a break from him, and all things MLC, but now is not the time to go dim from the forum or from him.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 06:58:18 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #114 on: October 16, 2019, 07:17:01 AM »
I have a great aversion to being around people who smoke.  Someone can be across the park smoking and I will struggle to breath some.  I was born with a hole in my lungs(my mom smoked while pregnant with me), and I grew up with my Mom and Dad smoking in the house and car.

So, I can spot a smoker immediately.  Apparently, my husband smokes some now.  I asked him, he said yes, that he will not smoke in front of the kids...

My grandma died of emphysema and my biological Mom has emphysema and still smokes.  I did not say a word to him.

We have entered into a “friends” stage.  He likes to talk, he wants to make sure we are on good terms.  I continue to let him pursue me.  I am polite, friendly, short, distant, ask no questions, no relationship talk, and do not always answer his questions.

Here’s the thing.  I am allowing all of this because I believe he is lost, he is weak, he needs a light house.  We spent a lifetime together.  I want a relationship on this level for now to coparent and have a friendly divorce.

I am not necessarily doing this because I want him back.  Only time will tell on that.  He must sense how done I am.  I’m not sure I want him back.  For sure not as is.

So last night I did not feel like seeing him, but he always finds a reason to see me.  So, when he asked me to come down when he picked up the kids, I texted instead.  At pickup, I opened the door and just said bye.  So of course he called to chat an hour later.  I mean, our perfect little friendship needs to be solidly in place. 

He is pursuing me for a friendship while divorcing me.  Great fun.  The thing is, my 12 year old is more mature.  At least he’s a preteen, not a rebellious preteen. 

So long as it seems to be beneficial to all involved I will continue down this path.  It creates peace and  makes it less likely for him to do anything to upset our “friendship”.  I put friendship in quotes because I in no way consider him my friend.  He is not yet worthy.  That said, I am trying to do the right thing for him, myself and the kids.  It’s not easy to know what that is, but I know I need to be the bigger person.

For now this benefits everyone involved, if a choice ever needs to be made, I chose me and the kids.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 07:18:03 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #115 on: October 16, 2019, 11:25:05 AM »
He's going thru the phases...... time to be "Friends".

Has he mentioned anything about his counseling? I'm not putting too much faith in that as it's military counseling but I do believe stirring the pot is very important.

Sounds like the wheels are turning to some extent. That's good...... and he's chasing to some extent, that's good too. If he is seeing improvement is can spur him to do the same.

Keep going FJ!!!! I know you will, there's no other way but forward.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #116 on: October 16, 2019, 11:50:19 AM »
SS,  Something is for sure changing in him.  Only time will tell.  He is for sure beginning to feel again.  He cannot handle it and has cried in front of me 2x in a week.  He said earlier in the week he cannot currently love anyone.  I wish I knew if OW was in the picture, if she for sure wasn’t I would question if he is moving into the depression phase.  He is so adamant about the divorce, I think she must still be around.

The truth is, it would not currently be possible to have a real relationship with him.  He is too emotionally immature, unstable and selfish.

So this is going to be a long ride.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #117 on: October 16, 2019, 04:53:48 PM »
Yup, a long ride FJ......

I have to say though..... the return of feelings is HUGE.
W didn't start making progress until that happened, and then things really started happening. She also couldn't process them and was overloaded. I don't know how many weeks that went on for, communication wasn't the best back then.
I heard the I can't love anyone too....... it's ok. What he's really saying is he doesn't believe he can be loved. No joke.

Has he described it? I wonder if it's the same for them all? W described it as a rush of emotions, like a backlog.... PLUS all current emotions on top of that. Like a sensory deprivation tank and the water rushing in with no way to stop it (at least that's how I interpreted it). She said the emotion wouldn't stop, and they'd just hammer her, especially when she was alone. Since there was no emotion for so long, they are extra sensitive to it.

I don't know if what follows this explosion is depression. It's self awareness but I don't think it's anywhere near the end of replay.
Awareness is HUGE though. If he really is either going to be permanently self-aware, or a "first look", that's a really good thing.... a milestone. Let's hope and pray it's permanent. Then he will really process, and that will be a while. If he runs away after a look around, that's ok.... but he stands a better chance if you extend an olive branch. This will confuse the heck out of him, but watch to see if he grabs it. The MLC raccoon will grab anything shiny, so be the shiny.

If no OW..... he will simmer and I think it'll stop him in his tracks. Get ready for some MAJOR confusion and self-reflection from him. Will he voice it? Maybe. IF he chooses to trust you.
If he simmers, let him talk D, but I don't think he'll do it. They talk, talk, talk.... it's all fantasy. If you are important, or become important, where you are with him will change BIG TIME.
If he does look to you, put on your gloves FJ and dive in (gently). I know that will be hard to listen and probe (gently). I'd say pray and have God lead you in it..... this is where the real work is. Going to help him spin those wheels, and they have to be spun. It's not fun. It is painful..... but you have been prepared for this. Stick out that hand into the muck, let him grab it.... when he lets go, wait. Hold out your hand again, let him grab it and when he lets go again.... wait (and pray) then stick out your hand again. You're the hero in this, remember that. The strength resides in you. The light is you. The anchor is you. Save your spouse.

Super important that if he looks to you for help, that you listen and not judge. Super important. Be totally honest but zip those lips and let him run his. He's going to have so much to say, and the same darn things over and over and over again. That's processing.
That he would look to you is very big, that's the cry for help (without saying it like that). They can't verbalize.
This is where trust and a new role is formed. Best that it's you and not someone else. Grit your teeth and take a bite. The 1st one is hardest, it will get easier.

You've got this.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #118 on: October 16, 2019, 06:26:51 PM »
SS, Thank You for the advice!  I am listening without judgement when he reaches out to me.  I have made myself available as much as I complain here.  I can see he is drowning and I know I need to be there when He allows.

The only thing he said was, I have to feel all of this pain in order to get through it.  Plus him crying has only happened a few times in our marriage(in front of me), so twice in a week is big.

I am trying to be the “light” for him.  All I can really do is pray, be kind, friendly and listen.  I do not want to take on the role of fixer or his Mommy.  The truth is, my hands are full raising our kids alone.

Mine is not one to say he will do something and not do it.  If nothing changes, he will divorce me.  He so far has followed through with everything he says he will.  All I can do is prolong it as long as possible to give him time to come around.
« Last Edit: October 16, 2019, 06:43:44 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #119 on: October 16, 2019, 10:05:04 PM »
Thank sounds great FJ!!!!

He's very lucky to have you.... and someday he'll know that again.

With him being talkative you're really going to have your hands full  ;)

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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