Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the little things.  (Read 2641 times)

Offline One day at a time

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #20 on: September 21, 2019, 08:19:45 PM »
Quote
He knows I am detaching further and he mentioned last week it would be tough to see the kids raised by someone else.
This is where UM's tiny violin could come in handy... Really? He shouldn't have walked away then?  ???
I know you are not interested now FJ but you are young and if your H doesn't wake up in a reasonable time, you might get to a point where you decide to bring a new person to your life... and he will have to sick it up!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #21 on: September 21, 2019, 08:47:25 PM »
Yes!  A violin would be great!  He said it in away that meant he understand it would eventually happen.  So I guess he recognizes I will move on eventually and cares to some extent, but not enough to change his actions.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #22 on: September 22, 2019, 06:03:30 AM »

I had extra time on my hands today and got dressed up, just because.  Well, he stayed at the house with the kids until I got back and I could tell he thought I may have gone out with someone.  Really, I was running errands.  He is back to being super nice(we are best buds ::)). Anyways, I saw the look on his face when he got in his car.  He knows I am detaching further and he mentioned last week it would be tough to see the kids raised by someone else.  Ultimately it means nothing, I don’t see him changing his ways for sometime, but it was sort of nice to make him sweat.


Good for you! 

In 2017 I got hit going through an intersection when a young woman ran a red light because she was on her phone.  My suv was in the shop for three months so I was driving a rental car that her insurance had to pay for.   My MLCer drove in the yard to get some machinery from the back building and saw the car with Illinois (I live in a different state) plates and commented, "I see you have company from Illinois."    I just nodded and said something like, "Oh, I'm pretty busy these days."   ;)    I left it at that but it made me smile to think he was wondering who was at my house! 

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Online Treasur

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #23 on: September 22, 2019, 06:34:43 AM »
Reality eventually bites us all doesn't it? Good and bad.
Most crisis folks do seem to be a bit taken aback when reality smacks them in the face, even when it is entirely predictable. I still remember my xh crying over how hard and stressful the divorce process was. How it was making his mental health worse. How it was creating distance between us and made it difficult for us to talk 'properly'. He filed, mind you  ::)....but it was as if it all came as a bit of a shock to him  ::)

Yes, you are a relatively young woman with a go-getting positive spirit. He is at best a semi-detached father who will probably be living hours away from his children. Pretty likely that there will be another male figure in the future who spends more time with them. Duh. But yes, the odd internal violin moment just does not seem to cut through the delusional fog at all. Sad, but how it is with them.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #24 on: September 22, 2019, 10:34:47 AM »
Stillbaffled,  Always nice to have a little laugh:). I try to tell mine as little as possible.  He should wonder.

The funny thing is, if he were in his right mind he would know as long as the divorce is not final, I would not go there.  Because my old h knew me.

Treasur-Too true!  He is creating all of this and he will eventually pay some very long term consequences in all likelihood!  Thank You Treasure for the compliment🤓
« Last Edit: September 22, 2019, 10:38:07 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #25 on: September 23, 2019, 05:04:16 AM »
By repeated request.....



As for making him sweat....


Bus to Hades, here I come...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #26 on: September 23, 2019, 06:19:47 AM »
Joy,
Just now catching up with you. I am so sorry that the coffee meet went badly. So much hate would be incredibly hard to deal with and while I do not know your H, it sounds to me like a lot of rage and anger at the world, God and life in general but since those are too broad to attack - he is taking it all out on you. And really, we are going to blame a 14 year old on the state of your life, dude ? How pathetic is that ?

Anyhow - if nothing else, it does seem that this put you on a new plane to detaching and all I can say is Good for you.

Isn't it crazy though how after he told you exactly how he rather lose all his assets than ever having to look at you again, he wants to be chummy and buddies on the phone ? Nope, that's not how that works. Would you stay friends with somebody that declared his hate for you ? I know, I wouldn't....they are just crazy in their little MLC bubbles.

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #27 on: September 24, 2019, 09:06:48 AM »
Thank You UM- Just what was needed;)

Schratz-You know, oddly, I am now thankful for that coffee date.  It did allow me to completely drop the rope!  I am in such a better place for it!

Journaling-To get off and on base you have to go through a guard gate.  I cannot tell you how many times in this past year I have had to dry my eyes and put on a fake smile for the guards.  After awhile they know you.  I have received so many pity looks from them, you cannot hide red puffy eyes.

But perhaps my coffee debacle was the best thing for me.  I dropped the rope.  Any thing that might cause me to want to pick it back up again, I avoid.  Oddly this includes too much hope in a particular outcome.  The thing with me, I am too optimistic of a person.  It got me into so much trouble for many months.  I was unable to be hopeful and detach, which is why over the last many months I have begun to let go of hope.

Don’t get me wrong, I have hope, in Christ alone.  I have faith in His perfect will.  I have trust, that He will take care of me(and I will do my part).  I know I will be ok with or without my h.

A passing thought went through my head two days ago.  It was, you are single and alone, but I noticed it did not stick this time.  Without a trying, I did not let that thought stay.  I am no longer in victim mode.  I do not chose it.  I also wonder if this process has not healed other parts of my heart.  I do not feel a void.  I think this MLC forced me to look deep, evaluate and heal old wounds as well.

It forced me to figure out who I am and who I want to be.  To let go of parts of me that were not helpful or unnecessary.  To live a much more present life.

Healing has many layers and I know more layers will be torn away.  This next couple of years will have so many challenges.  I will need to face them one at a time.

I found myself humming a happy tune as I grocery shopped today.  Smiling genuinely instead of forced at random people.  For today I will not wipe away tears as I return home.  I am stronger than I ever was before this MLC, I am a better person, more compassionate.  I have a stronger faith and a better attitude.  I am in fact finding joy in the little things, but also strength I never knew I had and a peace that passes understanding.

I am detached enough to both have compassion on my h, recognize he has mental health issues, but also let him deal with them. 

I am willing to be kind, polite, distant, and listen.  I will not be throwing truth bombs.  I daily give my h to God.  I am letting God fight this battle for me.  From my perspective it is actually a battle for his soul, regardless of the marital outcome.

This morning on the way to school, after dropping the littles, my big kids made some comments.  A conversation started, I said, you know your Dad loves you, and they said not enough.  Both agreed, he did not love any of us enough not to leave.  I honestly did not know what to say.  I said he is going through some things and I am sorry that it is hurting them.

I have not closed the door to reconciliation, but I am open to another outcome.  I have however let him go for now....possibly forever.


Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #28 on: September 24, 2019, 12:58:32 PM »
Woooooo!!!! FJ!!!!!

Wow!!!

Strong woman, strong woman. Amazing how tough you are.
I hope he comes to his senses, but I'm very impressed.... about letting go and letting God fight this for you. Super awesome...... and fight he will, better than you can.

Very impressive.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #29 on: September 26, 2019, 11:54:50 AM »
I am feeling very whole lately.  I am alone, but not lonely.  Happy and content in my single(yet married status).  I do not need anything to make me content, I have everything I need already.

This has brought on a change in my dealings with my h.  I do not need him, expect him to come home, or need to punish him.

I am finally to a place where I can just be when it comes to him.  I am typically a cheerful person(and am becoming so again).  I feel like I have found myself again.  When I get on the phone with him or see him in person, his presence does not effect me.

I do not tell him my business, but I can be around him and not pretend.  I was being kind and polite towards him, I added listening and now I am able to be cheerful.  Because that is how I feel.  Not because of him, but in-spite of him.  Now that I am no longer in so much pain, I have more compassion on him.

The thing is, I think I have forgiven him.  I speak the words everyday.  I speak them over individual betrayals, the(possible) divorce, him as a whole.  Admittedly the list used to be long.  Now, I do not think much on his betrayals, on me raising the kids alone, on the pain he has caused.  I’m sure I will need to continue to forgive...

I am so thankful I did the work and continue to do the work of healing and moving forward.  This site and the people on it are a huge part of that!

Also, I realize something.  We sometimes wonder if we have it in us to reconcile if given the chance.  So many variables have to work out in order for it to happen.  I realize now that without the mirror work we would not be ready for any new relationship, with our spouse, or with another.

I now recognize that if my h tried to come home, I have the capacity to easily take(the changed version of him) back.  Because I am healing, because I am strong, because I do not find my worth in him or his actions, I am whole without him.

Just as easily, I have the capability to move on if he divorces me.  My healing is not based on the outcome.  Him divorcing me versus reconciliation is harder(on my kids), it would not be my choice. 

The truth is, the more healed I am, the more willing I am to take him back.  Because I want a whole family for myself and my kids, because I do have the capacity to chose love and forgiveness, because God hates divorce(but he does not hate the divorcee) and because in my opinion it could break my husband forever if he loses his family.  I saw it happen to his Mom. 

On the other hand, if he divorces me, and my heart is completely healed, I will not actively look for a relationship, but it will come.  Because when you’re happy and living life, it is a powerful force. 

I wondered if I would ever be happy again.  For you newbies, the answer for me is Yes!  I still have a lot of yuck to muck through, but I have peace and contentment.

Something I did not always have before bd.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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