Author Topic: My Story Finding Joy in the little things.  (Read 1627 times)

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #100 on: October 12, 2019, 07:23:23 AM »
Good morning Treasur!  There were a few things that looking back on our conversation I would not say again.  I am typically an open book and so mystery and silence is not my forte.

I would have just let some of what he was saying sit in silence.  I did some, and sometimes I gave my full opinion. 

After the convo he texted me, “Thanks for listening, I hope we can be civil.”  I text back, I hope you can begin to heal and be someone me and the kids can be proud of again.

Still ever the fixer, and quite opinionated.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #101 on: October 12, 2019, 07:50:02 AM »
A bit off topic.  I bought myself a new wardrobe for work last month because I figured next summer I will have to buy the kids school clothes, supplies etc and it gets expensive.

I have done odds and ends jobs over the years, but when I go back to work full time next year it will have been 15 1/2 years of me mostly being a SAHM. 

So I needed a whole new business work wardrobe.  I am so excited!  I got dresses, skirts, work pants, sweaters, and tons of nice shirts.  The only catch is, for the skirts and pants, I ordered a size down from what I normally wear.  I tried them on and they fit a bit snug.  I figured if I am going to buy a new wardrobe, I may as well lose a size.

So I need to lose 3-5lbs to fit comfortably into the clothes.  The shirts already fit comfortably.  I am for sure going to be the type of teacher always dressed up in a cute dress, skirt, or dress pants! 

So, since I already eat healthy I’m going to have to cut calories.  Maybe even give up wine for a bit.  Hmm, maybe I should have just ordered the correct size! 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #102 on: October 12, 2019, 08:14:15 AM »
I think you'll be able to fit into them in no time at all since you already have a plan on how to drop those pounds.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #103 on: October 12, 2019, 08:58:55 AM »
Reinventing!  Hopefully, I am really good about keeping my weight at the size of my clothes, just naturally eating less if they get snug.  However it’s been a minute since I’ve worn this size.  I tried them on again this morning, already looking better, but not quite right.  Time to do some extra cardio!
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 09:00:32 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Couragedearheart

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #104 on: October 12, 2019, 09:46:14 AM »
I have one opinion about bodies.

When I look at other people I just see them, as a whole, the person....unless it’s the size of a unicorn horn I don’t notice pimples, freckles tiny scars, a smidge of armpit fat.

Why assume anyone would notice that about me? They don’t.

Besides my looks are the least interesting part of me, it had very little to do with me and much more to do with DNA and chromosomes....I didn’t choose my body or eye color or any of the rest of it that may or may not be attractive to you.

My brain on the other hand *wiggles eyebrows seductively* that’s all mine, I cultivated the things I fed it, I have worked on it, improved it, challenged it.

You want to make me melt....tell my you like the way I think.

So the clothes are a bit tight....good, it improves your aerodynamics! 🤣
Not to mention shows off your figure, if you like them wear them.


There are clothes on your body and you approve, that’s really all that matters.
❤️
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 10:53:18 AM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #105 on: October 12, 2019, 10:08:49 AM »
Courage- I don’t approve yet;). I don’t like wearing snug clothes.  Just for modesty sake, I need to wait!!  It definitely shows my figure a bit too much right now.  I have never found worth in my looks, but since bd happened there has been a need to look my best.  I need to feel good about myself in every way.  I am also much more acutely aware that while women do not care, men are very visual.  It makes me sick and yet it’s true.  When I met my h, he was overweight, I was not.  I was attracted to him because of him.  He eventually got in great shape, but either way I loved him.

I don’t think it’s the same for men.  I do feel the need to look my very best, but my worth does not come from my looks. 

Journaling-I think that talk really has me all over the place.  The talk means my SMART contact is working.  He is reaching out to me.  The problem is, he only wants to be friends and he is waist deep in self pity, and his own muck.  So I am doing SMART contact and getting the desired results(him pursuing me, even if as friends).

But, now that he’s around, I want space.  Because he’s not someone I currently want in my life as is.  I think it boils down to, he’s no where near done cooking and who wants undercooked cake?  The issue is that my being friendly and using SMART contact has brought good results. 

Him helping more, being more accommodating, more mutual understanding, working as a team for kids.  It could mean a much more smooth divorce and him possibly allowing my timeline for the d, which would save me and the kids an extra move.

In other words, I am conflicted.  I want to get as far from him as possible, but it is best for me and the kids for me to continue to be friendly and listen.

It bothers me though.  This is what he wants.  He wants his new woman, freedom and his family to still be friendly and agreeable about his choices.  Let’s all be one happy family, but I’m replacing you as my wife for another person.  Because I’ve lived such a selfless life up until now, I deserve it.

The thing is, I don’t remember him being anymore selfless than the next guy.  I think he chose not to say if he disagreed, or if something bothered him.  He has always let me do the heavy lifting and make most decisions.  I always wanted him to step up to the plate more, and he did not.  So I had to be the problem solver, the one to make sure things got done.  He was content in his role of passenger. 

So, this MLC might be about him finding his voice.  Finding himself and that’s good, but there was no need to ditch his family in order to accomplish that goal. 

I just need to keep listening, keep being friendly and then reassess boundaries after the d goes through.  This is going to be a long year. 

The whoa is me side is going, why do I have to have anything to do with a lying, cheating man with little character and no backbone.

The compassionate empathetic side wants to run for the hills.

The responsible side says keep doing what your doing because it is what is best for me and the kids....
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 10:12:08 AM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #106 on: October 12, 2019, 05:31:17 PM »
I am taking some space from the forum, I’ll be back.  I need to heal in a new way, without my focus on MLC or my h.  My prayers are with you all!  ♥️♥️♥️  I’m so very thankful for your support, advice, words of wisdom and guidance!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #107 on: October 13, 2019, 12:16:57 AM »
Caught up FJ! Take the time you need.. I'm spending less time here and I can see how my brain is focusing more in other things other than MLC or the H who walked away. I don't forget all the wonderful people who have supported me for the last 18 months so I still read a bit most days but I'm posting very little. I think there's no harm is taking a break from time to time to take a step back and see what direction we want to go.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #108 on: October 13, 2019, 04:38:32 AM »
One Day!  Yes, I cannot imagine having made it this far without the wonderful people here!  For me it feels as if I need to walk without crutches for a bit to get to the next stage of healing.  I just cannot keep my focus on my h right now.  I need space from his MLC.  ♥️
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding JoyTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Finding Joy in the little things.
« Reply #109 on: October 14, 2019, 09:40:01 AM »
For about 5 seconds I thought I could take a break from MLC.  I was wrong.  It is apparently an effort in futility, as right when I hoped for space I am being smothered in MLC.

My husband has become a major clinger this last few days.  He is not ok at all.  He showed up at my house to drop a kid from a choir activity he took her too and it was my thought he was taking the kids and leaving.  He switched his night with them for the holiday.

He has made more effort with the kids for the last week anyways, but he cannot handle them well.

Instead he eats pizza with us and says, I didn’t intend to take the kids until 3pm(2 hours later).  So he hung out with us until then.  I just cleaned the kitchen and put away laundry.  He hung with me and asked what Faith and I planned to do, I gave him a wouldn’t you like to know smile.

The little kids notice his presence.  One asks if we are doing Christmas together, the other asks why Daddy never comes to the house.  He answers neither.

He offers me some watermelon moonshine that a friend gave him.  He started crying again in the kitchen while I cleaned.  He is heading to TX to see friends and his MLC mom, of course not the rest of his family.  He is going last minute because he is not ok.  We have a conversation about the rent house, the renters want to stay another year from Feb.  The area the house is in has been an amazing investment, so I asked him to consider it. 

He is all about us being best buds now and working together.  I’m allowing it for now. 

Last night I called him, which I never do.  I got wind that his MLC mom has been badmouthing me to the entire family.  My SIL has warned me about her(we all know she is trouble and none of her kids are close to her).  Last night she told me the full story.  She calls regularly to bad mouth me to my BIL.  He takes up for me.  My SIL and I have avoided this woman for many years.  She is manipulative, controlling and selfish.  Well it’s seems now she is my h’s best friend.  He has bad mouthed me to her, and she has no clue he is not of sound mind.  She has decided I am what kept them from a relationship this last 20 years and she is thrilled we split.  Classic MLC, she is still finding ways to blame everyone else.

My SIL and I spent years encouraging our husbands to have a better relationship with their Mom, but every chance she got she tried to come between husband and wife, brother and brother.  She hated that we were all close and she wasn’t.  She tried to act like she was an amazing grandmother(and mother), but always had an excuse not to show up to Birthdays for our kids, and for the most part, she wanted nothing to do with us, unless she was causing trouble.

Anyways, I let him know that she is now pulling her old ways and trying to come between him and his brother as well as badmouthing me.  She had told him his brother was badmouthing him, it turns out he was only taking up for me.

This woman is one of the biggest reasons I would try to work things out with my h.  Once she was(understandably) not allowed back home after she divorced my fil and tried to come back 2 years later.  She could not handle reality and has lived in a fantasy world this last 23 years.  She married 3 more times, has been sick the last 10 years from smoking and drinking too much(liver problems).  She is on her death bed and looks 80.  She is 65.

Anyways, while on the phone with my husband I felt the need to suicide check.  He is acting so emotional and unstable the last few days.  I told him, if he is struggling please do not do anything crazy.  If he needs to call he can.  I could tell by his reaction he has considered doing something drastic. 

So for now I am not going to set boundaries.  I am having zero detachment issues.  This week has made detachment easy.  Being around him has caused me too detach further as I fully see this is not currently the man I love.  I see this as good movement, he is working through his issues.  He is about to go visit with his Mom and she will likely badmouth me the whole time.

If we ever reconcile, I will never be around this woman again.  That is firm.  He is welcome to see her, I will not.  My poor sil still has to sometimes, her husband(my bil) left her early in their marriage.  For two years he was back and forth between her and another woman.  He was not a monster like mine and they did not have kids yet.  Anyways, he also repeated his Mom’s behavior.  They have had an unbreakable marriage since.  They have been married 25 years.

Should my husband be acting like this in replay?  Is this normal?  I guess he is cycling in some new way that I do not understand.



Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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