Author Topic: My Story My former spouse just said "he's happy"  (Read 2766 times)

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« on: September 19, 2019, 02:11:29 PM »
First time for to start a thread - I've been lurking for about two years and have commented a few times.  I intend to start a thread of my own at some point - but for now....

After nearly 2.5 years I received an email from my MLCer - he has been in monster since September 2017... verbally and emotionally abusive - I finally have put solid boundaries in place, but it took two years.  This recent enforcement of boundaries has escalated this verbally agressive behavior not just to me but our two younger sons - as the relationship with his sons disintegrates before our eyes, I got an email from my MLCer, it was all about him - he recently moved in with the OW and her two sons - he is telling me that he wants the boys to see him as his life is now, not how it used to be, how he's changed.  He's happy.  He shows no empathy for the boys or what they are experiencing or his neglect and rejection of them..... but the statement "he's happy" - when we here at home are literallly feeling tormented by him... has anyone else experienced this?  Can he really be happy while the boys are so traumatized?  It was such a shock to me - and painful to read...  I thought the MLCer was miserable...
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 05:41:20 PM by Thunder »
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2019, 02:15:40 PM »
Script. Most will proclaim how happy they are and want to rub it in our faces. You're still relatively early in, in terms of MLC years (that's not to say two and a half years is not a huge chunk of life for us normal folks). I'm so sorry you and your children are experiencing this. I'm glad you set boundaries. They'll help.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Online Treasur

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2019, 02:26:30 PM »
Helps me on these WTF moments to just do a quick check in with 'and normal people do...'
If you think about times when you've been happy, do you need to tell people like that? Probably not. And the complete flavour of Me Me? Very script. He wants to use your boys to basically 'prove' his happiness in some strange way, to validate it. Not normal healthy adult let alone a parent.

And tbh a grown up knows that 'happy' is a pretty feeble goal  ::)
But let's assume he is...great, good for him...he's now a person who can be happy at the expense of others distress...not a great kind of human really.
Very, very script. I'd suggest a big mental Whatevs from you and keep those lovely boundaries for you and your sons on the sane normal side of the street .  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline megogirl

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2019, 04:59:32 PM »
What Treasur said....!

Yeah, there is no one unhappier than the one who has to proclaim how happy they are.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 05:50:03 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2019, 05:52:27 PM »
Welcome 3Boys4Me, I changed this to your story thread.

I am so very sorry you are going through this.
None of this is easy but we will try to support you in any way we can.

Add anything you want to your thread.
We will follow you on this journey you did not ask for.

Big Hug


A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2019, 08:54:17 PM »
Welcome 3Boys4Me. So sorry you're here but I'm glad you've found us. And I'm glad you've found the courage to share your story.

Post as often as you like. This is a great place to journal, vent, rant, tilt at windmills and ask questions. You'll find a lot of wisdom here - much of it acquired the hard way.  :(

I agree with Mego. ^^^What Treasur said^^^.

As for the happiness. It is script. And yes, he may actually be miserable and just not know it yet.

Many of us find that at a certain point - for many of us around 3 years post bomb drop - things start to shift. The MLCer becomes increasingly shaky while the LBS finds their footing and becomes stronger. But don't get hung up on timelines. Things happen when they happen.

You've endured a lot already. 2 1/2 years is a blip on the screen for an MLCer, but it's a long time for an LBS. (kind of like how 5 minutes on the beach is a lot different than 5 minutes under water). You may be doing better than you think.

Again, I wish you weren't here but welcome!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Cherry Blossom

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2019, 12:52:40 AM »
Welcome to your thread 3boys4me - exactly what Treasur said.  They also tell us they're not angry when their actions would say otherwise.

Well done for setting boundaries - it can take time to do that so now that you've done it you'll at least feel positive that you're protecting yourself and your children as much as you can from your MLC-er's behaviour.
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2019, 01:53:12 AM »
Oh yeah... He's "happy." Yeah, right...... Just like my xW is all "Happy" now that her D is done... Still sick, still haivng sleeping problems, still having all the misery she had before but NOW she has no one to blame it on ... Happy?

Blah a blah Blah Blah....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2019, 10:38:41 AM »
Hello 3 Boys - welcome to your own thread.

Of course he has to say he is happy. How else would he justify any of his behavior ? Remember being a teenager - you were happy one second and 30 minutes later you could be the saddest you ever felt. Don't waste your time believing any of it. Seriously - who cares what he says - you just focus on you and your beautiful sons. If he truly wants them in his life, I would suggest he shows that he even cares about them at all. Have they had any contact with him since he left ?
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Anjae

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2019, 10:51:30 AM »
Hello and welcome, 3Boys4Me.

Of course he is happy. Not. Like all others MLCers your husband is so, so happy, that he neglects his boys and shows no empathy towards them.

2.5 years of angry mosters and he is happy? Think not.

Like PJ said, 2.5 years is often a nothing for the MLCer, but it is a lot for the LBS to endure an angry, monster MLCer.

Look after yourself and your boys the best you can. For now your husband is in MLC land and there is nothing you can do for him.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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