Author Topic: My Story My former spouse just said "he's happy"  (Read 2763 times)

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
My Story My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« on: September 19, 2019, 02:11:29 PM »
First time for to start a thread - I've been lurking for about two years and have commented a few times.  I intend to start a thread of my own at some point - but for now....

After nearly 2.5 years I received an email from my MLCer - he has been in monster since September 2017... verbally and emotionally abusive - I finally have put solid boundaries in place, but it took two years.  This recent enforcement of boundaries has escalated this verbally agressive behavior not just to me but our two younger sons - as the relationship with his sons disintegrates before our eyes, I got an email from my MLCer, it was all about him - he recently moved in with the OW and her two sons - he is telling me that he wants the boys to see him as his life is now, not how it used to be, how he's changed.  He's happy.  He shows no empathy for the boys or what they are experiencing or his neglect and rejection of them..... but the statement "he's happy" - when we here at home are literallly feeling tormented by him... has anyone else experienced this?  Can he really be happy while the boys are so traumatized?  It was such a shock to me - and painful to read...  I thought the MLCer was miserable...
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 05:41:20 PM by Thunder »
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Ready2Transform

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7746
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #1 on: September 19, 2019, 02:15:40 PM »
Script. Most will proclaim how happy they are and want to rub it in our faces. You're still relatively early in, in terms of MLC years (that's not to say two and a half years is not a huge chunk of life for us normal folks). I'm so sorry you and your children are experiencing this. I'm glad you set boundaries. They'll help.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #2 on: September 19, 2019, 02:26:30 PM »
Helps me on these WTF moments to just do a quick check in with 'and normal people do...'
If you think about times when you've been happy, do you need to tell people like that? Probably not. And the complete flavour of Me Me? Very script. He wants to use your boys to basically 'prove' his happiness in some strange way, to validate it. Not normal healthy adult let alone a parent.

And tbh a grown up knows that 'happy' is a pretty feeble goal  ::)
But let's assume he is...great, good for him...he's now a person who can be happy at the expense of others distress...not a great kind of human really.
Very, very script. I'd suggest a big mental Whatevs from you and keep those lovely boundaries for you and your sons on the sane normal side of the street .  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline megogirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2207
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #3 on: September 19, 2019, 04:59:32 PM »
What Treasur said....!

Yeah, there is no one unhappier than the one who has to proclaim how happy they are.
« Last Edit: September 19, 2019, 05:50:03 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 22198
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #4 on: September 19, 2019, 05:52:27 PM »
Welcome 3Boys4Me, I changed this to your story thread.

I am so very sorry you are going through this.
None of this is easy but we will try to support you in any way we can.

Add anything you want to your thread.
We will follow you on this journey you did not ask for.

Big Hug


A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 600
  • Gender: Male
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #5 on: September 19, 2019, 08:54:17 PM »
Welcome 3Boys4Me. So sorry you're here but I'm glad you've found us. And I'm glad you've found the courage to share your story.

Post as often as you like. This is a great place to journal, vent, rant, tilt at windmills and ask questions. You'll find a lot of wisdom here - much of it acquired the hard way.  :(

I agree with Mego. ^^^What Treasur said^^^.

As for the happiness. It is script. And yes, he may actually be miserable and just not know it yet.

Many of us find that at a certain point - for many of us around 3 years post bomb drop - things start to shift. The MLCer becomes increasingly shaky while the LBS finds their footing and becomes stronger. But don't get hung up on timelines. Things happen when they happen.

You've endured a lot already. 2 1/2 years is a blip on the screen for an MLCer, but it's a long time for an LBS. (kind of like how 5 minutes on the beach is a lot different than 5 minutes under water). You may be doing better than you think.

Again, I wish you weren't here but welcome!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Cherry Blossom

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 50
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #6 on: September 20, 2019, 12:52:40 AM »
Welcome to your thread 3boys4me - exactly what Treasur said.  They also tell us they're not angry when their actions would say otherwise.

Well done for setting boundaries - it can take time to do that so now that you've done it you'll at least feel positive that you're protecting yourself and your children as much as you can from your MLC-er's behaviour.
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9374
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #7 on: September 20, 2019, 01:53:12 AM »
Oh yeah... He's "happy." Yeah, right...... Just like my xW is all "Happy" now that her D is done... Still sick, still haivng sleeping problems, still having all the misery she had before but NOW she has no one to blame it on ... Happy?

Blah a blah Blah Blah....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1480
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #8 on: September 20, 2019, 10:38:41 AM »
Hello 3 Boys - welcome to your own thread.

Of course he has to say he is happy. How else would he justify any of his behavior ? Remember being a teenager - you were happy one second and 30 minutes later you could be the saddest you ever felt. Don't waste your time believing any of it. Seriously - who cares what he says - you just focus on you and your beautiful sons. If he truly wants them in his life, I would suggest he shows that he even cares about them at all. Have they had any contact with him since he left ?
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 16547
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #9 on: September 20, 2019, 10:51:30 AM »
Hello and welcome, 3Boys4Me.

Of course he is happy. Not. Like all others MLCers your husband is so, so happy, that he neglects his boys and shows no empathy towards them.

2.5 years of angry mosters and he is happy? Think not.

Like PJ said, 2.5 years is often a nothing for the MLCer, but it is a lot for the LBS to endure an angry, monster MLCer.

Look after yourself and your boys the best you can. For now your husband is in MLC land and there is nothing you can do for him.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3726
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2019, 11:48:51 AM »
Hello,

I read your thread and it is sad when a father loses his moral compass. Just be advised that our MLCers are driven by emotion and they do what feels right at the moment.

However, as the LBSer, we learn to respond and that involves thinking and being rational to the man-child. He's happy? "Congratulations and I am glad you feel that way. However, your actions towards your sons is not acceptable nor warranted. I wish you the best, and when you can act appropriately with your own children, you are more than welcome to have a relationship with them."

Boundaries... MLCer's can't live with them and LBSer's can't live without them.

(((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2019, 12:22:27 PM »
Thanks all, just reading the love and support you have shown me, a complete stranger, highlights how much good there is in the world. I especially want to thank PJ who PM’d me and encouraged me to post - that simple kindness means a lot when a person feels so blue.

I know 2.5 years is just the beginning, my parents went through MLC, my dad walked away, married the OW, eight years later they divorced and the reconnection process ensued - 4 years later my parents remarried and not until 4 years after that did they live together...he was out of the house for 16 years in total..  however beginning with reconnection they were together for 34 more years until my dads death. My mom said it was worth every minute of the anguish. She is my model and superhero, I wish I could learn from her now bush she has Alzheimer’s.

I will post my story over the weekend, thanks to all for following along and helping to support in this crazy saga of the MlC, LBS journey.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline megogirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2207
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2019, 03:21:47 PM »
Hi 3Boys

Curious....if your parents were re-married, why did they not live together during those 4 years?

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2019, 04:52:16 PM »
Hi Mego,

My dad moved to California years prior to work on my Uncle’s business and my mom was a small business owner a few states away, while reconciling and through those first four years of remarriage, my mom hired a woman who helped run the business so she would commute to see my dad a Couple times a month

3Boys
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline megogirl

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2207
  • Gender: Female
  • "You must do the thing you think you can not do."
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #14 on: September 20, 2019, 05:10:08 PM »
OK, do during those four years they were actually reconciling, not married?

Cos that makes more sense then.  At this point, I can not even imagine a reconciliation (although I absolutely believe their faux-"marriage" is a total sham.)

My thoughts have run the gamut.  Like, have I reverted back to how I felt when I'd first met him?  (Which was, please GTF away from me).  Or would I fall in love with him all over again?  Idk and perhaps I won't care, should that opportunity ever present itself.

But it's stories like your parents' that give me hope.
« Last Edit: September 20, 2019, 05:11:13 PM by megogirl »

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 16547
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #15 on: September 20, 2019, 05:43:52 PM »
I know 2.5 years is just the beginning, my parents went through MLC, my dad walked away, married the OW, eight years later they divorced and the reconnection process ensued - 4 years later my parents remarried and not until 4 years after that did they live together...he was out of the house for 16 years in total..  however beginning with reconnection they were together for 34 more years until my dads death. My mom said it was worth every minute of the anguish. She is my model and superhero, I wish I could learn from her now bush she has Alzheimer’s.


What a story!

Sorry to hear your mother has Alzheimer's.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Limboland2018

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 201
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #16 on: September 20, 2019, 10:49:49 PM »
Just to let you know my experience. Once I found out about the other woman, his engagement 😝🥴😚 and then his move to another country leaving me, his 3 year old daughter and 2 dogs he told me he had no problems sleeping. That he loved other things now. Now, he’s told me it was all lies. That when he flew out of the country he cried for two hours. (He didn’t get any sympathy from me) He has admitted he drinks and has an alcohol problem to escape. He takes a lot prescription medication too. He’s gone into treatment as he’s not happy. He threw away everything to be with his woman but she has not fixed him either. It’s not normal to discard your child and children. And if he’s happy about it and can sleep well then he’s a psychopath.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Finding Joy

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 624
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #17 on: September 21, 2019, 08:43:43 PM »
Mine also claimed happiness, and a month later said he is more broken than ever.  The replay makes them feel exhilarated in that moment.

Your mom is quite the women!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Nerissa

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2019, 02:41:37 AM »
Mine also claimed happiness, and a month later said he is more broken than ever.  The replay makes them feel exhilarated in the moment

I’m thinking it isnt just the exhilaration.  I think it’s a degree of sadistic delight in hurting us and witnessing our distress which brings up
Something in them - a mirror of their own distress?  A feeling of superiority?  Power?  The pleasure of playing with our feelings?

Whatever, the impulse is not nice.  It’s immature and unhealthy and cruel.  Bear that in mind before engaging again and ask whether you want this in your life.  It will continue while
You let it i think, and until he bottoms out at least and maybe it is just a part of him previously hidden.

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1480
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2019, 05:49:23 AM »
Very interested to hear your parents story.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline Cherry Blossom

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 50
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2019, 08:33:24 AM »
Wow Ruby - your parent's story is incredible.  Your mum is definitely a superhero.  I'm sorry to read that she has Alzheimers.  It does sound like she's passed on a lot of her qualities to you (or you've picked them up) because you clearly have resilience too...
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1091
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2019, 09:29:33 AM »
3 boys

Sorry you have bern feeling blue. Well done taking PJ’s advice.

Thanks for sharing your parents story.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #22 on: October 20, 2019, 12:30:56 PM »
Thought I would do a quick update and ask for some help... I am in the “pause” and struggling to find my peace and happiness - I still wake up often in disbelief that this is my new life.

After five months of denial, It’s been two years this week since I learned my MLCer had an OW who was a “close friend” of mine. My spouse was a clinging boomerang who spent a great deal of time in monster but lots of confusion and touch and goes. From May - July this summer we spent a lot of time together as a family at events for our sons. By the end of the summer he was saving me seats, sharing sports programs, buying each other water or snacks while at events... this was all happening just as he moved in with the OW.

Then in late August, there was a big issue where our son and the OW’s son tried out for the same select sports team - our son made the team and hers did not - she, and even her 15yo seemed to blame our son for her son not making the team - I could tell my MLCer was very conflicted between being happy for our son but angry the OW son didn’t make it. We travel every weekend with the sport and he wanted the kids to play on the same team (wasn’t going to happen, my son would have dropped down a competitive level - he will not travel with his dad and the OW and refuses to be around her at all.) This has generated a whole new round of animosity - my ex is back to spewing at me, blaming me - now he said the kids are punishing him for wanting out of a bad marriage, they will not stay with him overnight or go to her house where their dad is now living.

He has moved from obvious confusion to saying things like  “I’m happy” and we had a “bad marriage” - yet he can’t completely detach from me (nor I from him if I’m honest)

I have heard that MLC gets worse before it gets better. And there is no question he is still in replay (BD was 2.5 years ago) - for those of you who are standing... how did you or are you handling this time “in between”... the “it gets worse” period...

I feel like I have been called to stand. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. That said, I don’t walk on eggshells around him any more, I have boundaries now that I failed miserably at setting the first 1.5 years, but I still miss my husband and the man he used to be. His anger and contempt for me, and our kids, is so hard to understand.

I welcome any ideas as to how to continue to move forward as the reality of two years with no visible progress sets in... he seems more committed to the OW and her two sons then to our sons... and certainly to me.

For those of you who have endured this longer than two years - what has been the key to your stand??
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1091
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #23 on: October 20, 2019, 01:27:31 PM »
3boys

This is for sure the hardest thing, sorry your mom has Alzheimer’s and not able to support you like she could have.

I have thought of myself as healing rather than standing. Healing while not complicating things further is probably it. I’m not far ahead of you, 3 years from BD. I’ve been in that limbo land though and it’s a tricky place to be. The advice of detaching, GALing, eyes off MLCer, live like they are not coming back is really how to survive it. It’s all you can do 3boys. I thought my H was past replay and I didn’t mean it lightly, I was sure he was past it but really he’s never left it which I can’t believe. I think he had clarity in between OW1 & OW2 for around 6 months in 2018.

As LBS we need to move forward. Probably the key to your stand will be one day at a time. Just keep surviving the day. I’ve no experience of OW with children though and it sounds like another level xxx

Keep posting here as that will help you through
Sending you strength and support
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Surviving2019

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 52
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #24 on: October 20, 2019, 02:03:27 PM »
3boys

Wow, I’m feeling a bit like you today: I’m 2 years from BD with a false start this May-August 3019. I thought he had gained some clarity and the mature man I married was back. I was wrong and I’m still reeling at times from this. He’s run back into that tunnel which is painful to watch.

I’m trying hard to detach and live my life. If I’m completely honest, I do pretty well if I have some plans. Today, it’s just me and the dog and I’m finding that really difficult. I went to church and hiked. Now I’m just sitting here feeling a little sad and at times disappointed that this is my life.

I don’t have any advice to offer: everything you’ve been given seems like the thing to do. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Offline Finding Joy

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 624
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #25 on: October 20, 2019, 02:18:07 PM »
Yes, you’re not alone.  Like Rose I tend to think of this time as healing.  I figure the kids and I need at least 3 years to do that. 

It is tough when they draw close to you and then go back to Monster.  After a year of Monster mine is being very friendly, but I know it would be tough if he goes back to being so ugly. 

This is one long ride.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #26 on: October 20, 2019, 02:39:48 PM »
Thanks Rose, Surviving and Joy. It’s too bad that we belong to this strange club, but I truly appreciate your support. I’m grateful.

I like the concept of healing rather than standing.  It is a slight shift in perspective that could be really good for me, thank you. My two younger sons had their first Homecoming last night (freshmen!) and MLCer showed no interest, zero. I used to believe he was the greatest dad in the world. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, and now he’s well, non-existent. It’s the disbelief and feeling that this can’t be my life - but it is. I need to regroup, reframe this as time for me to heal, set the example for our sons and move forward. Some days are just hard..
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #27 on: October 20, 2019, 03:14:55 PM »
Quote
Some days are just hard..
.

Indeed ..they are hard. Some days are so excruciating we wonder how to get thru them . I am quietly following along with you and I do have some "opinions" or perspectives to share with you . I am just getting my thoughts together and hoping to get some time to myself later this evening . I think you are pretty damn amazing , I really do. I will get back to you ..I promise.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3726
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #28 on: October 20, 2019, 03:45:18 PM »
Hello,

Quote
I am in the “pause” and struggling to find my peace and happiness

Don't struggle. Find happiness in your reality. It is all around you if you don't focus on what you don't control. Instead see moments in your life that bring joy. Your son made the team, you should be proud of him and his accomplishment. That's a feeling of happiness. Instead of focusing on the absence of you h from his life, feel content that you are a part of your sons' lives.

Building your life is posting and doing the things you do that bring you forward. I suggest you read Morte's thread about trying new things and moving forward. LP posted about, "Conquering your fear."

I think you need to do the same. So your H claims or states his happiness from a bad marriage. Do you fear he is right? That a man that deserts his family and his obligations that he made to you and before God. Why do you place any faith in his words now.

Instead, I advise you to try something you've never done before. It doesn't have to be huge, try a new recipe, go to a place you've never been before, take the kids for a hike and lunch....the sky's the limit. Live life as if he is never coming back. Find happiness in who you are and thrive despite him.

I know it is hard, but detachment is more than not communicating with him, it's cutting the emotional ties, hopes, and thoughts that continue to make him a part of your world.

Personally, two years on your own is remarkable and you don't give yourself the credit that you are due.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 600
  • Gender: Male
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #29 on: October 20, 2019, 11:10:35 PM »
First of all, thanks for the update 3Boys. I don't know that I can really add anything more than what others have already said here. But I'll add my voice to the choir of those reminding you to give yourself some credit. You've already done something incredibly difficult, so you should know that you're capable of doing incredibly difficult things.

I think Ready is on to something. So many of us are self-critical. When our spouse or X says something critical about us, we're afraid they're right. But if your spouse has obviously lost his judgment and senses, why take his criticism of you to heart?

Quote
For those of you who have endured this longer than two years - what has been the key to your stand??
Well, I stood for 3 1/2 years and would have stood for longer but my XW filed for divorce. (I'm an Iffer now.) Lots of folks here helped me out a lot with great advice, seeing a counselor helped, and exercise helped. I wasn't great at detaching and getting a life - I had a live-in wallower. But the better I was about squashing expectations, the better I felt.

If you expect nothing, you appreciate everything.  Hard lesson to learn!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #30 on: October 21, 2019, 12:02:03 PM »
Thanks Barbie, Ready, PJ.

The kids and I stay active. We’ve traveled quite a bit on our own, been to Grand Canyon, Disney, Canadian Badlands, Las Vegas, Phoenix and more, lots of hiking, biking and sports activities - swim team, tennis, hockey etc. 

Personally, I have a wonderful family and really quality girlfriends who’s husband (formerly our couple friends) have been entirely supportive.

Personally I pray and do a lot of meditation. I cook and eat well, but am not getting near enough exercise and have gained quite a bit of weight this year after a traumatic experience involving physical violence between my 15yo and MLCer that happened this New Year - that event and the ensuing court battle, restraining order and responsibility for parenting 100% of the time has set me back these last 9+ months.

Since the restraining order and interim parenting plan lifted (October 1) my MLCer has had two additional lawyers sending me remains letters to continue to harass and intimidate me with legal proceedings. He lost access to the kids for four months and then had supervised visits with increasing frequency for five months, at the end of it, the kids will not stay the night with their dad - he moved I. With the OW and our kids won’t have anything to do with her (she was a trusted friend so the kids have huge issues with her and the betrayal) -

Even though on the surface I look very strong and all my friends think I’m quite strong and resilient - the truth is I don’t feel strong or resilient. I’m spent. Exhausted. Can’t focus. I work at home and am really struggling to be productive. I am able to maintain strength, focus and emotional presence for the kids, but I have nothing left for myself. I’m at the place where I just want to pull the covers over my head.  Ugh. Feels pathetic and I want to be so much farther along emotionally than this...
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2019, 06:26:38 PM »
3Boys ..Let me say right up front that I have no experience standing for "years" and in my heart of hearts I am fairly certain I could not have done it. Period. My husband went to MLC crazy land very rapidly, had affair, abandoned our family and within months he returned. So certainly I am no expert on long term standing. We have 1 thing in common..my husbands OW was a family member / friend and I am not sure the shock will ever go away. My 5 daughters have refused to EVER see her again and say " to us she is dead". My husband will never truly know , in his soul, what he has done. A double betrayal is hard to come back from, so I am very sorry that this happened to you and your sons.

I guess I am wondering about this statement

Quote
From May - July this summer we spent a lot of time together as a family at events for our sons. By the end of the summer he was saving me seats, sharing sports programs, buying each other water or snacks while at events... this was all happening just as he moved in with the OW.
.

I am truly baffled by this and really need to ask why . If he is living with this OW and he is all "happy"  ( NOT in a million years!) why are you doing "family" time or outings? How do you feel about that truly? And your sons?  Do you think it is "cake-eating " in some ways ?  He can have his OW and his family ?  Why would he change anything? . I would love to understand your logic or thinking behind this decision...perhaps I have missed something.

Quote
the kids will not stay the night with their dad - he moved I. With the OW and our kids won’t have anything to do with her (she was a trusted friend so the kids have huge issues with her and the betrayal) -
.

I can certainly understand this reaction from your boys. My girls were all adults and it was truly devastating. And this man says he is "happy?". Total script !

Quote
Even though on the surface I look very strong and all my friends think I’m quite strong and resilient - the truth is I don’t feel strong or resilient. I’m spent. Exhausted. Can’t focus. I work at home and am really struggling to be productive. I am able to maintain strength, focus and emotional presence for the kids, but I have nothing left for myself. I’m at the place where I just want to pull the covers over my head.  Ugh. Feels pathetic and I want to be so much farther along emotionally than this...
.

Yes. I have been in that exact place as most of us on HS have been. How can this be otherwise?  It is indeed very traumatic to be betrayed by a spouse and abandoned. PTSD has been the result for many of us. Extreme self-care is truly the only way to survive , to recharge and to carry all the hurt, responsibilities, kids, job etc. You will just need to put yourself at the top of the list for awhile. It is the only way to stay afloat.

You might find this interesting.....

https://www.hayhouseu.com/the-art-of-extreme-self-care-online-course-hhu


Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 600
  • Gender: Male
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #32 on: October 21, 2019, 07:23:50 PM »
I think the energy level issue is pretty common among LBS. We actually talked about this a lot in DivorceCare.

We only have so much energy. Ordinarily it is distributed emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually, etc... But when we're going through an emotional trauma, all of our energy is spent on our emotional needs. This doesn't leave much else for the rest of us. I know I suck at work these days. And I think for a lot of us, eating can become a way of dealing with stress and fueling our needs for physical energy. So we gain weight - it's a vicious cycle.

My only advice is to pay attention to sleep and to drink lots of water. That's what works for me. I avoid sleeping pills, but take Melatonin (slow release) and L-Tryptophan.

You will survive this.
« Last Edit: October 21, 2019, 07:30:00 PM by PJ Will Be OK »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #33 on: October 21, 2019, 08:41:20 PM »
Barbie - thanks for responding, I don’t know how to quote yet, so I am copying this from your response above:

“I am truly baffled by this and really need to ask why . If he is living with this OW and he is all "happy"  ( NOT in a million years!) why are you doing "family" time or outings? How do you feel about that truly? And your sons?  Do you think it is "cake-eating " in some ways ?  He can have his OW and his family ?  Why would he change anything? . I would love to understand your logic or thinking behind this decision...perhaps I have missed something.”

Great question Barbie - and there are two reasons - the first is, my spouse lost parental rights after a violent incident between he and one of our sons - we had a protection order as things got sorted through the court, the ultimate decision was the event didn’t rise to the level of child abuse - and parents are permitted to discipline their children, it had never happened before etc.  however the relationship with our two younger sons (the youngest witnessed the event between his dad and brother) was extremely strained. they were afraid and didn’t trust him - so there was a five month period of supervised visits, graduating to visits where other adults were present. from May through August I was often the other adult present. However, the second reasons is yes, he is a cake eater, and was very much a clinging boomerang, cycled for the first year and a half - that really didn’t stop until the physical altercation between MLCer and son - which gave is a period of four months of no contact JAN - April except for court appearances.  During May - August visits, we started having a sense of ease again, he wanted to see the boys and I was part of that package. To be honest, I missed him and though it was extremely difficult, considered it paving the way. During this time he did not tell me he moved in with the OW and intentionally kept it from me. So yes, he’s a cake eater and I can be a door mat. UGH. Why?!! I deserve so much more than this shadow of a life. Partly it’s because we truly had a good marriage and pre bomb drop I had never in my life been so loved. Part of it is my faith and my vows - this is the “for worse” part. Maybe it’s related to my own childhood history where my dad had MLC, took off, parents divorced, he married the OW, and 12 years later my parents were back together remarried to one another. 

I feel like I am being tested on all levels. Some times I pass, often I fail. Much of the time I want to sell the house, pack us up, move away, start over. However, the only thing my kids have asked it to stay home, in our neighborhood, with their friends. I don’t know how long I can manage with my work situation, but hopefully with the help of all the amazing examples I read about on HS, I too will shake off the cloak of LBS grief and inertia and take a few more baby steps in the right direction.  I’ll check out the course on your link.

PJ - hi! Thanks for checking back in. I may have to look up divorce care in my local MeetUp groups, that might be very good for me. And your long walks are truly inspiring - I talked to a lovely friend today and she was such a helpful reminder about how I set my standards above reasonable for this period in my life. I can and should be celebrating all the little successes... so, that will be my little daily goal - I need a loving approach to self-care!
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9374
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #34 on: October 22, 2019, 02:24:11 AM »
3Boys,

Right up front, I will say that I am NOT a psychologist... however, my mom IS one and the things you describe (the inability to focus, the exhaustion, the "flat" feeling) were also things I went through with xW1 after BD/Monster/D. It was then diagnosed by by IC (NOT my mom but recommended by her) as "situational depression."   I was on low-dose SSRI's for about 1 year and that was all that was needed to get my feet back under me. This was  a purely physical reaction to the stress.

Therefore, you may wish to talk to your doc or IC about it.  Ironically, the IC I was seeing gave me a questionnaire to fill out and when I gave it back, she turned pale. At the end she told me that, from simply talking to me, she would have no idea that there was anything amiss but, with the symptoms I described and the fact that I had 3 of the top 4 "life events known to trigger situational depression") and a total of 11 of 15 on the scale, she said that the meds would be the appropriate way for me to go. I didn't need conventional "therapy" per se as emotionally and mentally, I was doing well in dealing with the situation but physically, it had taken a heavy toll on me.

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding Joy

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 624
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #35 on: October 22, 2019, 06:52:01 AM »
I agree with UM, I know for sure I am currently struggling with situational depression as well as my s12 and you describe many of my feelings.  This is truly so hard my heart hurts for your situation.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline sada

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 385
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #36 on: October 22, 2019, 07:48:26 AM »
Thanks for answering Barbie's question so thoroughly 3boys. I was wondering also. I'd like to hear more about your parents when you feel like writing about it. 12 yrs apart, a marriage to ow, then back together for "real" life. Love it!

I also had that depression & 6 months of ADs helped me tremendously. Just get through this day, then the next, then the next, ...           

Considering all you are going through I think you are doing pretty darn great.

Sada
Me - 57
H - 56
Married 13 years, together 23
Apr 2014: PA discovered, ow 22 yrs younger
May 2014: "I love her & she loves me"
("But I'll always love you the most")
Jun 2014: Left home to live w OW
Aug 2014: Back home. "Sorry, made mistakes".
Late 2015: Ow2 (a couple of dates I think). Monster
  returned for several months 
Early 2016: Health scare, including major surgery, resulting in fog lifting some more.
Today: H progressing thru mlc positively.Mostly cooked, has remained home and reconciling
Arguments & disagreements very infrequent
Enjoying our time together

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #37 on: October 22, 2019, 06:54:30 PM »
Thank you 3boys , for telling me a bit more about your situation. Lets look at your answers , talk about them a bit and tease out some new considerations.

Quote
they were afraid and didn’t trust him - so there was a five month period of supervised visits, graduating to visits where other adults were present. from May through August I was often the other adult present.
.

A very unfortunate situation indeed. I am not sure how you could have handled this differently as I suspect you want your boys and your husband to repair their relationships. I believe you did what any mother would do given the circumstances. Am I correct that this "supervised" requirement is now over ?

Quote
he wanted to see the boys and I was part of that package.
.

How old are your boys? Why are you "part of the package" ( if the supervision requirement is over ). Do you feel your boys are safe with your spouse?

Quote
To be honest, I missed him and though it was extremely difficult, considered it paving the way. During this time he did not tell me he moved in with the OW and intentionally kept it from me. So yes, he’s a cake eater and I can be a door mat. UGH. Why?!! I deserve so much more than this shadow of a life. Partly it’s because we truly had a good marriage and pre bomb drop I had never in my life been so loved. Part of it is my faith and my vows - this is the “for worse” part.
.

This is really very interesting to me . I have not seen "cake - eating" and "paving the way " considered to be the same thing or atleast similar.  I see "cake-eating "  is living without consequences. It has been described as the best of both worlds. Some of the mess your spouse has made, you have helped him clean-up. ( being the person to supervise etc). If there are no natural consequences of his choices and decisions...what will change?. He cannot have the" best of both worlds", he cannot be without significant consequences for his choices and actions .  Paving the way in many ways has to do with you.

Quote
Paving the Way is about how you treat others and your Self; it integrates with Mirror-Work which is about you; who you are, how you respond and react and what you can do to change what needs changing, embrace what needs loving and heal without bitterness. Paving the Way for your MLCer to come home is about loving your Self and making your Self a priority. As you change and heal, you become an attractive force for your MLCer. Understanding the theory as I explain it will get you nowhere if you fail to apply it; without actions it’s dead and I can’t do the work for you. Growth is a personal experience.

https://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/2013/07/08/what-is-paving-the-way/

What can YOU change , that needs changing? 3 boys?  I see you have refered to yourself as a "doormat". What needs to change to rid yourself of that feeling . It is so incredibly bad to feel powerless, like you have no power or control over your life …like a doormat . I believe that feeling contributes to anger and to depression. You do have choices and control …do you know what they might be?. Remember ..."If you always do what you have always done you will always get what you have always got ". You do not like your life right now ?  Time to take your power back and make a stand with some BIG changes, actions and behaviours.

What your husband has done is not remotely acceptable. He is living with another women. His role as "your" husband/friend is gone , his privilege as head of his "family" is gone, his "marriage " is gone. He has started a new life with another women. He needs to feel the consequences of his choices. Only then might he start to examine what he has done . You need to utterly and entirely drop the rope, physically see him ONLY when there is absolutely NO other option and kick the doormat to the curb. If he asks …not that he will see you …but tell him that you have decided to "accept what he has decided , that you are also starting a new life and that you will be making some changes etc ". Thats all he gets to know. He is not your husband at this moment .If your boys are old enough, safe and comfortable ...there is no reason that you need to "play family" with a husband that has abandoned all his responsibilities and is living with another women. He can no longer have both .

Quote
I feel like I am being tested on all levels.
.

Because you are. As others have suggested , perhaps a doctor visit is needed and some help with medication etc. I do take AD as depression was paralyzing to me . I had stuff to do...being paralyzed was not on my to do this . I am wondering if you have a counsellor ?.

Do some thinking 3boys . Consider what big changes need to happen and how YOU are going to power-up and get them done. You are not alone in your journey...you will have support from HS every step you take.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline ember

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 315
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #38 on: October 22, 2019, 07:40:26 PM »
Hi there,
Im an old timer on this site. Bomb drop was almost 10 years ago. I was left to raise my two young children when my exH left. I was briefly suicidal but snapped out of it when I realized that I could not leave my children to be raised by my exH. I did go on AD for a few months which was enough for me to get my head straight. For me, I had to pretend that he was dead. The man I knew and was married to for 17 years was gone and never coming back. I started to "GAL", get a life of my own. I continued to play ice hockey, I took yoga and cooking classes, I went to the spa, reconnected with friends; I tried to keep busy. It was easier that way.

 My exH was a vanisher anyway, but we did end up working out a visitation schedule. All our communication was all business and strictly by e-mail or text. There was no relationship discussion unless it was legal issues. The kids were old enough that they could meet him outside the house when he came to pick them up. We drew up a separation agreement early on and that was the framework for visitation on holidays, birthdays, summers etc. which made it so much easier. I really only saw him from a distance at my son's hockey games. These boundaries are for you, to enable you to get strong and not be that door mat that he walks all over.

How do you know an MLCer is lying? His lips are moving. Believe nothing of what he says and only half of what he does. Worry about you and the kids and let him deal with his own mess. He says he's happy, I highly doubt it. And even if he is, it is nothing for you to involve yourself in. Say congratulations, if you need to address that type of comment at all and move on.

I was lucky enough to find someone when I was least expecting it. I have been remarried for years now, and my life is wonderful.
You don't know what life has in store for you , keep your head up, ask for help when you need it and make sure you take care of yourself so that you can care for your kids.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #39 on: October 23, 2019, 11:52:45 AM »
I love your story Ember and you made me laugh too - thanks for the smile.

Barbie, thanks for the great questions and the opportunity for reflection.  We have a grown son who has completed college and out of the house, we have a son who just turned 15 and a 14 year old (we adopted and delivered so our younger two are six months apart, both freshman in HS.)

I was “part of the package” this summer because of the supervised visit requirement in our interim parenting plan, that expired October 1. So no longer a requirement.

What are the things that need changing?  So many things  - among the most important and the ones I have implemented in the last month or two -

1.  no more disrespect, when he starts to lash out at me, yell at me in front of the boys - I stop it and ask him to leave, I remain calm and refuse to engage.
2. No more altering our schedule to accommodate his lack of planning - I used to let him get away with canceling, being late, changing things at last minute or adding time when he failed to plan. In September I finally stopped.
3.  No more abusive behavior toward the kids - they are old enough to stand up to him and to share their thoughts, feelings - whoever they challenge him on his actions he tries to get me to “discipline” them, I refuse to play go-between between he and the boys now and I support their need to communicate, set their own boundaries and not be gaslighted (he has directly told the boys - just because it’s a fact, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true!) the kids are all WTF?
4. No more asking him for anything - if he flips a switch on the electrical panel he expects the boys and I to thank him profusely and repeatedly, it’s so weird and gives him some sense like he’s helping, the time he requires us to spend thanking him is far longer than whatever minimal help he just provided
5. No more two sets of standards - he has to live up to the requirements of the dissolution and parenting plan - I let him walk all over me on this one - but in September I shut that down too.

I guess in essence I have finally dropped the rope and he is not happy about it. Strangely enough yesterday he asked the boys how I was doing and also asked about a couple of my family members who have been unwell - so he is having a little thinking time... good for him.

I need to focus on self care, remaining completely detached, and learning to live with joy, I have always been so outgoing, happy, joyful, fun - I would like to feel like that woman again...
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline FearNot

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #40 on: October 25, 2019, 12:20:06 PM »
3Boys, sounds like you have started implementing some good boundaries. so big kudos to you!! I for one, suck at boundaries and am still learning in that department!! I don't have a lot to offer for words of wisdom, as I am just shy of the 2 year mark. You have received some great advice here, and I truly agree that self care is a really important one (another one I'm working on).

I like the idea of healing vs standing that was mentioned here as well. I think you are doing awesome and that you do need to give yourself some credit. It's a lot to go through this and we all experience it the same but different. Weight gain/weight loss, over sleep/ no sleep, can't sit still/ can't get moving, can't stop crying/ feel void of emotion...on and on. Whichever way it goes for us it still requires work on our part to keep it together each day. We cycle, it happens but there is a lot of support and wisdom to be found here. I found the supplement L Theanine really helpful, as it helps with sleep (but doesn't make you drowsy) anxiety, emotions etc. It's a staple in my world now, but sometimes we require more than that. I have in the past but you will find what works for you.

I'm glad you found the courage to post (sad that you are one of us), even though there is a lot to be learned from being in the background! It's a great place to release your thoughts, document your journey and look back and see your own growth because it is already happening.

Very inspirational story about your parents and look forward to hearing more when your up to sharing, and I am really sorry to hear about your mom. My step dad has dementia and it really is heartbreaking.

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline ember

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 315
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #41 on: October 26, 2019, 03:52:59 AM »
Everything you have implemented sounds great. Continue to be consistent, that's the key. It gets easier over time, "monster" behavior tends to diminish if he knows he can't get away with it. Sounds like you are on the right track.

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #42 on: October 26, 2019, 05:20:28 AM »
3Boys, that is a great list!  Lots of changes a-comin indeed! It gives you a sense of power and control of your own life and what you will and will not tolerate..."doormats" cannot survive under such conditions. Some boundaries regarding time physically  spent with ex may be another consideration. I would encourage you to become a "vanisher" and continue to refuse to play "house" or except this situation as normal. It is far from normal. I sometimes see the spouse almost becoming the OW... .

I wonder how or why an OW excepts such a dysfunctional mess. What could she possibly say to herself fully knowing that your boys refuse to stay at her house, are very upset and want nothing to do with her or that he spends time with you and your boys as a "family". It is a mystery to me.

https://www.terricole.com/setting-and-enforcing-healthy-boundaries/

Truth darts. I love them. Should your spouse react to the changes you are making ( and I believe he will ) it is an opportunity to apply some well placed truth darts in a very calm deliberate way. Some examples ( that I used )

1. I have accepted your decisions about our marriage. I am now making plans for myself to start my new life
2. I no longer need your help around my home. I have that covered now
3. Please contact your children directly if you wish to make plans with them. It is no longer necessary to talk with me as they are old enough to make their own plans.
4. I ask that you do not come to my home without notice. You can no longer come and go . I do not come and go from your home.
5. I will pack any items that belong to you and let you know when you may pick them up.
6. any truths" specific to your situation in as few words as possible, calmly and not to be debated or discussed. You do NOT have to explain anything . Period. Expect monster.

Keep going....! I like the path you are on!
2.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline ember

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 315
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #43 on: October 26, 2019, 09:56:23 PM »
Wow, Barbiedoll,
Those are all great pointers!! They worked so well for me. It's amazing to see the difference in the MLCer when they realize that the LBS is not just going to sit by and let them do whatever they want and accept it all and wait.
The change in my exH was palpable when I told him that he was no longer allowed to treat my house as his since he left. I told him that I would be fine without him. He struggled to give up the house key. It was almost like he was giving up the last bit of control he had.

My exh genuinely expected me to let him go, screw around with as many women as he liked, run up huge amounts of debt, disrespect me and the kids and then expect me to take him back with open arms!!! He was shocked when I told him I wanted to get a separation agreement as the first step towards divorce. He actually said "whoa, hang on there. Is that really necessary?"  Lol. I replied "Um, Yeah, you left the marriage. You said you were done. So lets finish it." He then proceeded to stall and delay for months and months.

Keep up the great work. The advice you're getting here is awesome. 

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #44 on: October 27, 2019, 02:50:55 AM »
Great advice here, 3boys, on boundaries and useful phrases.

With hindsight, I think it takes a while to work out what detachment looks like like and what standing means to each individual. Ready is quite right that there is an emotional detachment which is deeper and takes longer than just reducing contact. Tbh I could only do it by essentially thinking of my former h as metaphorically dead which I appreciate is a bit extreme lol...and more difficult to do when you have kids of course.

With hindsight too, I think there are some stages for LBS and we tackle them differently.
The first is a kind of ER stage which is just about survival so we triage everything that doesn't help us survive, and stumble through the shock physically and emotionally. So, this stage is about basic stuff.
The second is a kind of ICU stage where we are working out how to stop doing things that hurt or damage us, or protect ourselves from further damage. This stage is about boundaries, self care and priorities.
The third is more like Physio perhaps, a stage when we start to focus less on protecting ourself from bad stuff and more on hunting for stuff that makes us feel good. And sometimes that involves working out what does lol. As you say, feeling like ourselves again....plans and schemes and dreams for what next in our 'new normal'.

I suspect that detachment and acceptance and standing are different at the different stages as we evolve. We learn by trial and error probably. And our perspective on events and our ex/spouse evolves too. Events like a divorce process or the kind of contact we have...and therefore what we need to protect ourselves from...probably influences where we are at too, like the recent supervised visitation order which has just ended. Perhaps we stay more attached for a while when/if their behaviour represents a tangible threat to our wellbeing? But are free to focus on other things when our boundaries are sufficient that we feel safer?

I suspect that MLC spouses' behaviour evolves too as the reality of their choices unfold. Most seem to respond to uncomfortable consequences in one of two ways; more avoidance or more control. Sounds like your xh is a fan of the latter.....so he wants everyone else to fall into line with his narrative and fit around his needs. Imho a normal healthy happy adult doesn't act that way....and firm boundaries will help you and your sons (although initially they might make your xh angry bc it is reducing his control). Ah well, a valuable life lesson opportunity for him right?

It sounds as if you are somewhere between the ICU and Physio?
« Last Edit: October 27, 2019, 03:04:57 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #45 on: October 27, 2019, 08:11:07 AM »
Thanks all for joining along.

Treasur I appreciate the analogy, it resonates - I would say I am still closer to ICU than physio unfortunately, however I am feeling stronger day by day.

Our newly established boundaries that both the boys and I have finally erected, while very good for us, have served to engage my Spouse’s ugliest tendencies. And as you correctly stated, for him it’s about control. I have received two new legal demands in the past six weeks alone. He has fired another attorney (or they withdrew), bringing his total to four different attorneys in 2019 alone. - he has had four attorney in 2019 alone.

For him, I believe control is paramount and he has lost it. He has a high need for contact so negative contact suits him fine at the moment... I guess that takes me back to the title of my friend, my husband says he’s happy.  I don’t think so. Happy people don’t require or create negative circumstances, they don’t revel in other people’s pain, they don’t need to control every outcome or other people’s lives... they don’t need to pretend that good and lovely memories didn’t exist in order to justify their current behaviors...

Ok. So maybe going to actively move from ICU to physio - continue to detach and disengage and to find my peace and joy.

It’s 8am where I live on a crisp Sunday morning, I am enjoying my sweeping view of the Puget Sound and Olympic Mountains. I have two sweet boys snuggled in their beds, we were out at a haunted farm with friends last night after two hockey games during the day, today we will go to church and do some household chores so we are ready for our week ahead. Life is good, I just have to remember to count my blessings and be grateful.

BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #46 on: October 27, 2019, 08:34:22 AM »
Quote
guess that takes me back to the title of my friend, my husband says he’s happy.  I don’t think so.

Ah ha...there you go. Quite right. As my gran used to say, watch the feet not the mouth  :)
But if his control goes up, well you and your boys will just calmly build another wall...if it helps, not the first MLC spouse to change lawyers like socks here.

Your view sounds beautiful. You must live in a lovely spot. And it sounds like a perfect kind of Sunday. The Shack author has this phrase about good life being about embracing 'grace in the day' which sounds about right. I hope your day is full of grace.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #47 on: October 27, 2019, 08:51:08 AM »
Thanks Treasur, you too. Enjoy the grace the day brings
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #48 on: October 28, 2019, 01:18:38 PM »
Journaling...

Really struggling today - has a very busy weekend - multiple sports events, evening plans with different friends each night, and regular getting ready for the week chores. With the weekend behind me, my brain is back on high alert.

Two years ago this weekend I found out about the affair(s) and his primary OW was a good friend of mine - once I confronted my spouse about the affair he filed for D within a week - full of monster rage, venom and spewing... after two years I would like to be more detached, but today is a struggle - my adrenaline is racing, I can’t focus, and I am reliving all the lies, deception etc from that time, the waves of torment are back to haunt me ... I’ve been praying and meditating this morning - how do you shake off the triggers? What are some of the ways you cope to get through this days/seasons when the memories (nightmares really) come flooding back to claim your peace?

Do any of you have particularly difficult times around significant dates/events related to your spouses MLC?

My PTSD has kicked in and I feel paralyzed...

BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #49 on: October 28, 2019, 01:30:38 PM »
Dear dear 3boys
First, I want you to take a big deep series of breaths and remind yourself that how you feel right now WILL pass. It always passes.
Second, I want you to do something nice and gentle and kind for yourself...a walk, a nice bath, a snuggle in a blanket...something simple and physical. Like you would if you were comforting a child bc your limbic system needs that physical comfort right now. Like when your boys were little and sick for example...something simple to eat, a story, a cuddle, a favourite teddy...whatever version of that works for you.
Third, I want you to remind yourself that these things HAVE happened, they are NOT happening right now, you are not in the same place as you were then, it is not the same shock but an echo, and you are stronger and wiser now. And you know that this feeling is just a brain hiccup.
Fourth, I want you to find a little phrase or use one you already use...something like 'I'm ok' or 'this too will pass' or 'tomorrow is a new day'...and focus on tomorrow morning as a fresh start point.

It is quite possible that if you are already tired, plus the time triggers, that made you a bit more vulnerable. So plan to be super gentle and kind to yourself for a few days bc you might be a little tired. Cut out anything you can which is draining. Add anything you can which soothes your spirit, whatever that is that works for you.

And remember the first point....this will pass, my friend. I promise you, it will pass.
« Last Edit: October 28, 2019, 01:34:17 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #50 on: October 28, 2019, 07:18:52 PM »
Great advise from Treasure, going to follow that for myself as well.  Self-care and self compassion seem to be the best way to soothe ourselves until it passes. And it does pass. Hope you find some peace today 3boys.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9374
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #51 on: October 29, 2019, 04:17:59 AM »
3Boys,

This is normally where I toss in my "This too will pass... Maybe like a kidney stone, but it will pass." joke but Treasur is absolutely correct.

When the Mid-Lifer is a Monster, those triggers of being tired and the memories come raging back like they just happened. Like Treasur, this is what has gone before and is NOT what IS at the moment so remembering that is a good way to begin to get a handle back on the emotional overflow.

Take things a bit slower for a spell and see where you come out.
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Finding Joy

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 624
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #52 on: October 29, 2019, 02:32:17 PM »
For me, I struggle more in the middle of the night.  Sometimes I wake up in a panic or crying.  I’m sorry this is so hard, something no one wants to walk through.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1036
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #53 on: October 29, 2019, 06:09:59 PM »
3 boys-
Attaching and amazed at how similar our paths are.
I also have 3 boys.
MLC started 5/17
Learned about affair same time as you (11/17)
H moved out 3/18
Christian and rely heavily on beliefs and prayer.
Sadly though, now I'm divorced.
Standing but open to options if God places something in my path.

Just focus on YOUR story because "God's not done with you".
Look that song up by Danny Gokey if you don't know it.  Pretty amazing to hear because it really tells about where the LBS is from a Christian standpoint, though not directly.

My sons know that I love them unconditionally and that I'm always here for them - as I'm sure yours do as well.
That's what really matters.
Make your family with them and see how things turn out, with daily prayer and giving it to God...
He will take care of it all; He's in control.

Hugs,
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #54 on: October 30, 2019, 09:26:58 AM »
“Give it all over” - yes, that truly is the only thing I can do. We talk a lot about detaching and dropping the rope - I have so much direct contact, and often in monster, that I find this particularly difficult - I also know my ego is still involved - as in, how could he do this to me and our sons? And many mornings I wake up, still, and think, is this really my life now?? The ego involvement, denial, attachment, lack of self focus all serve to impair my progress...

It is as if I am attached to my suffering... as if I would rather suffer the pain of the loss than accept it... that’s crazy!! Why?

So it is time to be both gentle and tough - my husband is gone, my marriage is over. He’s mean, cruel and neglectful. My former friend has no shame and enjoys taunting my son at his sports events. That is the man I am pining over?? Where is my self esteem? I am a deserving and worthy human being. I was a good wife and mother. I can only change my self and control my own choices ... and leave him to it. It’s time.

BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #55 on: October 30, 2019, 09:36:12 AM »
Ah, it's the power of human attachment bonds, my friend.
Which are good healthy things with good healthy people.
Normal to feel how you do. We've all been there.
It starts to matter less WHY other people do what they do and more that you refuse to have it in your life.
And it being your life now? Only if you allow this stuff in....reduce direct contact as much as you can. It is possible even with kids. And as you do, you will quarantine more bits of your life from stuff that is not your s$itty circus and not worthy of you.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #56 on: October 30, 2019, 09:47:44 AM »
Thanks Treasur, you really live up to your name.

I had complete trust in my husband and healthy attachment, he (we) cycled so heavily for a year and a half that I forget that in many ways that our emotions and connections are still incredibly fresh.  I agree I need to go as dim/dark as possible to protect myself, he emailed Monday and I have yet to respond... two days, that is progress for me - I need to be accountable to myself and my own healing and not let his every contact set me back.

BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1036
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #57 on: October 30, 2019, 01:20:29 PM »
3 Boys

It sounds like you've become so strong.
You do need to protect yourself.
You don't need to answer all texts/emails, especially if there's monstering involved.

Joe Beam on Marriage Helper talks a lot about SMART contact, which is great to have especially when there are kids involved which requires some degree of contact.  You might want to look at it.

You're getting stronger with every day.
Just trust and believe...

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline ember

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 315
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #58 on: October 30, 2019, 10:16:41 PM »
Hi there,
Believe it or not, you are doing great. We all have triggers, sometimes right out of the blue and you wonder "where did that come from???" Be kind to yourself, because unfortunately, it really is just time that makes this better. Take a deep breath, talk yourself down and definitely, do not be hard on yourself. You are reacting in a completely normal way.
Employ the boundaries. Play this game by your rules. Do not answer his nasty e-mails or texts. Make him wait. Do what you have to do for yourself, forget his demands. Go through the legal process, as painful as that is, but use it to your advantage. Given enough rope, monstering MLCers tend to hang themselves legally.
Nobody ever said this was easy but you are getting better every day.

Ember

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2786
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #59 on: October 31, 2019, 03:52:54 AM »
3boys, I get triggered every year around the date I found out about OW, my BD2. I don't even remember the date but then one day I'll wake up feeling so low, echoes of the pain of BD as Treasur calls it. And then I remember it was BD2 date. So I think it's normal that you are still triggered on the date of your BD. I just let myself wallow on that day, nothing I can do to really change it on the day. Then it passes.

You have good boundary plans and to me boundaries have been fundamental for my growth. You also have that stunning view, and your cuddly boys. xx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #60 on: October 31, 2019, 10:18:17 AM »
Triggers are pretty fascinating.   Now that I am removed from the 2nd Anniversary of OW discovery my nervous system is returning to normal. I held to my boundaries - not responding to the baiting legal letter that didn’t need a response, not responding to the cruel email, and then when a normal message about talking to the kids was offered, a quick, polite affirmative response.

None of this is easy - I appreciate all of you who are walking this trial of life together, your wisdom, willingness to share what has worked for you, acceptance, offering of alternative ways to question or challenge behaviors that may not be serving me well and HUMOR... thank you!!

BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1036
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #61 on: October 31, 2019, 11:07:33 AM »
3Boys -
I agree - you ARE doing great.
We do all have setbacks; usually triggered by memories or dates.
October and especially November are hard months for me as well. (both parents died in November, found out about ow in November, started dating H in November, Thanksgiving, Family time...) - you get the idea.

Just focus on you and your boys.
That's all that matters right now.

Keep up the good work.
Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #62 on: November 07, 2019, 07:02:01 PM »
Thanks so much all, it helps a lot to know others get triggered around BD and important dates.

The last week was relatively quiet, until today - I need some advise or maybe a reality check. As I’ve mentioned before my former spouse is very high energy monster. A couple of weeks ago I asked him if he would help out with this weekend’s activities because we have guests in town, I’m hosting an event for 45 on Sunday, and I have the kids 100% - they haven’t spent a night with their dad for over ten months. S15 has a busy sports weekend, S14 had an important meeting at school and I simply need a little help. I asked over two weeks ago and he said he would check his calendar, then last week he said he would confirm as soon as the schedule was published - it has been out for a week. I haven’t heard a word, so today I emailed him again asking him to confirm - he instead sent me an email how the kids were treating him “heinously” because they wouldn’t accept him as he is now and they are mistreating him and the “people he loves” - which is the OW a former close family friend, he then said that he told the kids he will resume a relationship with them once they accept her and him...

Do I respond? Should the kids respond? I’ve been as no contact as possible and have only twice asked him to see the kids in the last six weeks -

I need some outside perspective. Help!
« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 07:18:42 PM by 3Boys4Me »
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Couragedearheart

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 329
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #63 on: November 07, 2019, 07:19:46 PM »
3 boys,

I’m so sorry. I wish you dint have to experience this.

Imo... I would respond as your children’s parent might to a stranger.  He is assigning adult emotions and actions to children.... this seems very inappropriate.  I would not allow anyone to treat s15 as if he is an adult... it is wrong, it distorts the expectations, and it requires children to act in a way they have not learned to act or should be expected to act yet.

Beside however your children feel is valid, it does emotional damage to invalidate them and force them to pretend that they like or accept things they do not like or accept.

If it were me I would remove my offer citing his inability to treat children in an age appropriate manner and reach out to friends for help instead.

Just my opinion.
Hugs
« Last Edit: November 07, 2019, 07:38:49 PM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S15
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #64 on: November 07, 2019, 07:24:04 PM »
To add a little insult to injury, today was our 20th Anniversary of our first date...
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3726
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #65 on: November 07, 2019, 07:33:21 PM »
Hello,

Quote
he instead sent me an email how the kids were treating him “heinously” because they wouldn’t accept him as he is now or the “people he lives” - which is the OW a former close family friend, he then said that he told the kids he will resume a relationship with them once they accept her and him...

This reeks of someone trying to bait you for his failure to be a father.

Now, I can't speak for your situation, but I developed a network of friends who would pick up my kids or have them spend the night at their homes while I dealt with my wife's cra cra.

If you can get the outside help, I would then respond, "Hello, I am sorry that you feel your children are treating your so poorly. Fortunately, I have developed an alternative plan and will not need your assistance. Have a nice day."

If you don't have the support system. Then post back and I will think of a response for the no good rotten MLCer you have on your hands. Currently, all I have is, "Listen up you two timing swizzle stick of a man. You are going to take care of your kids because whether you like it or not, they'll be on your doorstep with their bags this Friday. Got it?"

It's just a draft and needs a little work,

(((((Hugs)))))) and more ((((((Hugs)))))

Ready





"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #66 on: November 07, 2019, 11:51:47 PM »
I would be tempted to make other arrangements for your kids and either ignore his message or reply with a factual one saying thanks for letting me know, have made other arrangements. The key i think is to not engage emotionally or let him suck you into engaging with his emotions. You asked a practical question; he gave you a response all about his feelings which were nothing to do with the question.

There is nothing you can do about how he feels, that is his business. Actuallly you're not responsible for your kids feelings either.  It's bonkers of course for an adult parent, but still nothing you can do. I'm sorry and particularly sorry that it comes so close to your anniversary. If it is any small comfort, please see it as a reminder that your h is far from being a healthy happy adult bc this is not how normal healthy happy adults communicate. But i am sorry and I hope you can shrug it off enough to enjoy the fun of your busy weekend
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #67 on: November 08, 2019, 01:00:44 AM »
Definitely respond as Treasur or Ready suggest.  He is feeling guilty and fishing for an angry response which will make him feel ‘in the right’. So if you do as he wants (I’m not saying he is doing this consciously - he probably isn’t)  you are the one who will end up feeling bad.

Don’t let anniversary sentimental emotions derail your detachment if you possibly can.  And ask others for help. Most people are happy to be trusted enough to be asked to give support ( within their ability to give)

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9374
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #68 on: November 08, 2019, 01:56:51 AM »
Although Ready's "draft" response would have been my first choice because H is acting like a walking Richard Cranium with ears, the better way is going to be to NOT engage Monster at all. That means more like what Treasur suggested...

Find alternate help for the kids and then a VERY short, emotionless replay like, "OK, I have handled it and made other arrangements for the kids."  I wouldn't even "thank" him for the information as it was nothing more than brain spew.... sort of like this guy....


He will then see that you are not helpless, you are not going to play middle-person to his R with his kids, that you will not force the kids to accept something that it totally wrong in SO many ways anyway, and you will not be bullied by his twatwaffle antics...

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2786
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #69 on: November 08, 2019, 02:04:46 AM »
3boys, I'm really sorry, I have been in your same position myself and my H has used the very same expression with me. I would say what the others have said, find friends to help you. The sports parents might be able to help get your S to his sports? Friends might be happy to give you a hand prepare for the hosting? Tell them the truth, that you have the boys and they have activities and in what could they lend you a hand.

It might not be what you would have preferred and certainly your H should be helping out with the parenting part but when he is like this, better to ignore him. Your H is still deep in the tunnel. OW is probably pressuring him about his kids not being around her. He used your request for help to bargain for his outrageous demands.

I would say 'Never mind, I found other people to take care of the boys.' I do think it stings them to think that someone else might be taking their place.

My H was like this a couple of years ago. He has now given up on trying to force OW on my S. My H now also helps at times with S.

Right now I would say it's pointless reaching out to your H for help, or if you do wish to reach out at times be prepared for him saying no or using it as an opportunity to monster. Any sign of monster and shut it down. That only fuels their drama and they need drama. Let him get it from OW.

You just keep going on your journey the way you have done and make this weekend a big time of fun and happiness for all of you.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3112
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #70 on: November 08, 2019, 02:18:30 AM »
Yes, what everyone said.
You were actually gracious in offering him a chance to step up.  He turned it into a ‘ME, ME, ME’ session.  How typical...

For what it’s worth, may I share my experiences on co-parenting?  I made no attempt to do so.
I wrote him off as a poor crazy uncle boarding with us.
I was IT for my kids. I had two of my best friends on standby if I had to be at 2 places at the same time.
It’s only recently that I was able to delete a long list of tradespeople I could contact if the house needed some fixing.

Write him off, 3Boys.  He is as useless as tits on a bull ;D while he is thrashing about in MLC land.


Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #71 on: November 08, 2019, 08:39:38 AM »
Thank you Courage, Ready, Nerissa, UM, Treasur, Milly, Acorn - such outstanding advice and I laughed so hard at Ready’s suggestion I about spit water out my mouth!

So, after our meeting at school which MLCer attended (why? So he looks good at school, he doesn’t see his child but he will show up and act involved so he can sign the paperwork saying he attended the meeting), he didn’t say two words to S14 - S14 was diagnosed with suicidal ideation, anxiety and depression 18 months ago. I have had him in treatment, he’s on anti-d’s and we are now exploring  trauma therapy. MLCer won’t acknowledge S14 condition or diagnosis because then he would have to acknowledge the circumstances leading up to the condition.... so anyway, S14 has been having panic attacks and it’s disrupting his performance at school - he’s a brainiac with one of those “extraordinary” minds but the depression and anxiety are over the top and he’s suffering, he also has performance anxiety because his dream is to be a NASA astronaut and be involved with the MARS mission so grades are very important to him - a perfect storm for this kid...

S14 was not happy his dad was there acting like he knew what was going on and yet ignoring his kid, I did not look at or speak to MLCer during the meeting. S15 was waiting outside the school talking to friends, when the meeting was over MLCer went to talk to sporty S15, which made both kids cranky... kids and I got in the car, we drove up to the hockey rink where sporty son was meeting up with other kids for a workout.

Before I had a chance to read all your great advice, I responded to MLCer monstering back. I was just so sad, mad, frustrated. I was sick at his ridiculous statement “my role is not as helper to you”, his complete lack of acknowledgement at what our sons are experiencing, his calling the children’s feelings heinous, his description that his kids are hurting “the ones he loves”, and his willingness to fully abandon his children if they refuse to have a relationship with OW...

I was spent, my tank empty and I responded with several truth darts - including telling him our sons don’t want a relationship with the OW, a person they trusted who betrayed them and stabbed them in the back, they wanted a relationship with him. That what he was building with her wasn’t love, love isn’t built on lies, deceit, betrayal and the destruction of another person’s marriage and family. That he was living a corrupt fantasy. That I didn’t need his help, but he was choosing to not live up to the parenting plan - he could still see the boys, spend time with them and simply return them home at bed time... that everything he was doing was 100% self-centered, it was all transparent excuses... Blah blah blah word vomit word vomit...

After hockey I took the boys out to dinner as I couldn’t face cooking. I told them their dad had made it pretty clear he wouldn’t be seeing them anymore until they accept his OW. And they both said fine, they didn’t feel like they had a dad anymore anyways, and so off I went to bed crying into my pillow asking myself how had our lives turned into this and how on earth did I fall in love with a man 20 years ago that is capable of such contempt for his own family....this morning I sorted rides for S15 to his game in Canada tonight, coordinated to be the driver for other parents for our Monday game, told the coach our son would miss Saturday’s game because of family obligations (he’s not happy about that but without MLCers help it doesn’t work due to logistics of the weekend beyond just the game)

Now, I am just numb, drinking coffee, staring out at the foggy haze over the Puget Sound, watching the burnt rust leaves blow across our lawn as the wind coaxes them from the trees, grateful for all of you following along on HS, that there are people out there who get it, that I’m not crazy, and that this will pass, my 3Boys are beautiful, amazing humans, I am a decent, kind person, and none of this, NONE of it, is about the boys or me. It may affect us, but it’s not about us, and it will not destroy us...




BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1036
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #72 on: November 08, 2019, 10:26:45 AM »
3Boys---
Every time I read one of your posts, it rings so true with me and my MLCer as well as my boys' relationship (not) with their biological father.  My son also has said that he's not really a dad to him.  They haven't spoken, texted, seen each other in over a year - granted my son is older than yours...

I will be interested to see how your H reacted to your many, oh so true, truth darts.  Please let us know his response, because you will probably get more monstering...

So happy that you were able to take a step back and have a cup of coffee realizing that this is not about you, or your amazing boys.  It is about your H and what he has to go through right now, sadly taking us along with them to a degree.  Their actions affect us, but we cannot be effected by their actions.  Subtle difference...  (Some english major please correct grammar if I got effect and affect mixed up!).  I think you know what I mean though...

I learned not to depend (or ask) H for anything - help, money,. zip-nada.
Live your life as if...  be at peace with your boys...   love yourself...

Hugs to you.
Wish I was there to share a cup of coffee with you - unfortunately I'm on completely opposite coast, almost directly straight across.
BUT - My S may be going to college in your state (short list), so visits may be in order! 

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #73 on: November 08, 2019, 11:04:20 AM »
Sea, if you make that college visit than coffee is in order, would be so nice to connect with someone who gets it in person.

Thank you for understanding, our stories are so similar and I see them reflected in so many others on this forum, it is not a club I ever contemplated joining but I am grateful it exists - in RL, it’s been two years now since affair was outed and our community learned of our troubles - the Shock has worn off for others where the kids and I are still wobbly, looking for our footing...
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5084
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #74 on: November 08, 2019, 11:36:01 AM »
OMG 3Boys--my H does the same thing. He shows up to all the school meetings even though he NEVER sees S13, except a couple morning during the school week and lacrosse practice, which he coaches along with 2 other teams. Super Dad.

Anyway, I am so sorry he is being such an idiot. There really are no other words. But based on what you had written on my thread, I am guessing he was "committed" to a weekend with OW and her fam and couldn't get out of it so he projected all that guilt, shame and frustration upon you and the boys. My H does the same--OW and her fam call all shots and H willingly obliges. And I can see the terror in his face when he tries to weasel out of something for S13. It isn't normal what they do. It is pathetic and sad and one day it will all come crashing down around them.

My H has been gone for 3.5 years. Everyone where I live assumes all is fine with us now too. LOL. S13 and I are wobbly too, but getting better.

One thing I have done, since my H was useless as a parent from the get-go was to find a village of S's  friends parents, etc to help me. I work an hour out of town so it is critical for me as H is literally dark at all times (even has me blocked on his phone). It is nice not having to rely on him especially when the answer is usually no if I do ask.

Anyway, good luck this weekend.  And hey, sometimes those truth dart e-mails are necessary. Lord knows I have sent my fair share. Once we realize we are dealing with a soul-less alien though, we see that our energies are better spent elsewhere.

Hugs.

 

   
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 11:38:02 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #75 on: November 08, 2019, 11:43:13 AM »
I responded to your post last night and then LOST THE ENTIRE THING!  Damn! But it was not much different than all the others have said . You do need to use your friends or relatives and stop asking him for any kind of help. I know this is hard … he is a father that has lost his mind ( clearly) and the less you interact with him the better. Its OK that you had a truth-dart spew at him ( saw that as plan B) , just know it a) had no affect on him or b) he uses your "anger and unreasonableness" as justification for his behavior or C) he shares it with OW and they bond and talk endlessly about how crazy YOU are. None of that is ammo that you want to give them.

I future it is best to ignore his spews all together . What would they talk about then? Or very short responses ( in 3 days) such as " I understand " , or  " sorry this is not going like you planned " or "sorry you feel that way" and of course ( as has been said) " I have made other arrangments and will not require your help ". Boggle him with no reaction.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #76 on: November 08, 2019, 12:01:30 PM »
KIT,
Oh yes, that is it exactly, a few weeks ago he was amenable, going to help, just had to check a few things out, this week OW s15 hockey schedule was released and he has games all weekend 3.5 hours away on the other side of our state. She is a manipulating, cunning home wrecker that wants MLCer to have nothing to do with his own children - but she was to parade him around like a prize at hockey events (the community is horrified, they have no shame and no friends but her arrogance exceeds even his, which is off the charts) - so ultimately he made his declining to see our sons about the kids not accepting his relationship with OW so he can appease her and go out of town this weekend with her and her sons rather than taking care of his own. Our S15 knew immediately what was up.

Barbie - yes, this, all of this! Why can I read other people’s threads and understand so clearly but when it is my own situation, I am drifting along in the dark, confused and incoherent - I really need to get in the habit of asking for feedback before I charge ahead. I was reading your post on trusting yourself and your intuition on another thread and it was so personally resonant. I used to be very attuned and highly intuitive, including as this all began, but this last year I feel much cloudier, muddier and less in touch with my intuition. I am doubting the feedback I am getting spiritually and in my gut - it is this overwhelming numbness, void-place that I currently reside, as if I am cut off from that part of my nature - if you have any tips on how you re-accessed your intuition is love to hear them!!  And yes, he does read the emails with OW, the tone has changed recently, I actually think she is writing or helping to write them. Not surprising really. Gross, but not surprising.

Xx
3Boys
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline ember

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 315
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #77 on: November 08, 2019, 09:00:06 PM »
I know its hard to avoid communication when there are kids involved, but in your case, yours are old enough to decide if they want to see their father or not. That, right there will limit the amount of contact necessary between you and your MLCer. Don't ask him for help, don't ask him for anything, that alone will get him thinking.

He will try to bait you, like he did when you asked for help. Don't respond. There's a good rule, when you receive a text or email, don't respond for at least 24 hours. That allows you time to cool off and really think about the message and what is behind it. A day later, you may decide to just ignore it or possibly respond, but in a calm business like manner if necessary. 

Going dark for me was a life saver. The longer I went without any contact with him, the stronger I became and then when contact was necessary, I could handle it well. No emotion.

Ember

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2786
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #78 on: November 11, 2019, 02:03:33 AM »
3boys, I can understand your need to send those truth darts. Now you've told him how you feel, there's no need to repeat it ever again. Your H is the usual useless selfish father. The fact that his OW is someone you and your kids knew, just makes it even worse. The fact that some of these MLCers like yours, prefer to spend the weekend rooting for OW's kids instead of your own is abominable. When they're like this, they are an embarrassment to themselves.

I like everything Barbie said. I would ignore your H completely now. NC or as dim as possible. Let the boys decide and respond for themselves. I remember when my S15 stood up for himself and told H he would not go out with him if OW was there, it really put my H in his place. My H still tried to bully S into being around OW, but my S stood his ground. Now H would never dream of asking S to be around OW.

You did great sorting out help for your sporty S. Look how resilient you are. Your boys just need each other and you. You can make their life very fulfilling and you do. Life with you is safe and very fun. They know that.

I hope that as you watch the leaves blow over the Puget Sound, you also take a moment to count your blessings. You are doing really well.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9374
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #79 on: November 11, 2019, 02:51:11 AM »
3Boys,

You asked a question earlier in your response to Barbie -
Quote from: My3Boys
Why can I read other people’s threads and understand so clearly but when it is my own situation, I am drifting along in the dark, confused and incoherent - I really need to get in the habit of asking for feedback before I charge ahead.

There is a relatively simple explanation for this and it is common to many, if not most or even all of us at times, especially when we are still reeling from the shock of BD....

When you are reading the threads of others, you are standing on the hilltop, looking out over the forest, looking at all the trees that make up the forest below you... When the situation is yours, you've got your nose pressed so hard to a tree that it is making a dent in the trunk... because it is YOUR situation, you are personally involved.  That is where the difference lies - the OB- vs. SUB-jectivity...

As for H, he may be looking like a porcupine with all the truth darts sticking in him but, unfortunately, at the present time, he is immune to them...  So, yeah, VERY dark may be the way to go from here on out... Trying to deal with the Body-Snatcher pod version of H is about as productive as putting a screen door in a submarine...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Nerissa

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #80 on: November 11, 2019, 04:14:14 AM »
3Boys,

You asked a question earlier in your response to Barbie -
Quote from: My3Boys
Why can I read other people’s threads and understand so clearly but when it is my own situation, I am drifting along in the dark, confused and incoherent - I really need to get in the habit of asking for feedback before I charge ahead.

There is a relatively simple explanation for this and it is common to many, if not most or even all of us at times, especially when we are still reeling from the shock of BD....

When you are reading the threads of others, you are standing on the hilltop, looking out over the forest, looking at all the trees that make up the forest below you... When the situation is yours, you've got your nose pressed so hard to a tree that it is making a dent in the trunk... because it is YOUR situation, you are personally involved.  That is where the difference lies - the OB- vs. SUB-jectivity...

As for H, he may be looking like a porcupine with all the truth darts sticking in him but, unfortunately, at the present time, he is immune to them...  So, yeah, VERY dark may be the way to go from here on out... Trying to deal with the Body-Snatcher pod version of H is about as productive as putting a screen door in a submarine...
To add to this - In my own situation, I am almost always somemotionallyninvilvednthstbadvicenoften flees my head and I react with old patterns and habits , even after having advice.  Other people seem to learn this lesson quicker, but I think it always applies to some extent to our own problems.  An uninvolved and wise eye is always helpful imo, but I am quite dependent on emotional support - a bit too much really.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #81 on: November 11, 2019, 05:21:26 AM »
I think all LBS either lose their internal GPS for a while bc the situation is so surreal or we doubt the one we have. And as UM says, our emotions and fears cloud the view too. Plus of course our ex/spouse usually lies a lot in ways we find incomprehensible bc that is not the kind of human we are. So it gets muddy...

I found the rule of 3 was the single most useful tool for me. Pressing pause and doing nothing for a bit helped me hear my own voice and gut.

The other thing that helped me was to try to act based on who I am not what he was doing, and to care much less about what he thought or said....that also stopped me chasing rabbits. Getting back to basics helped me. Silly things like saying to myself I have never been the kind of woman who cares about FB posts so I'm not starting now. Or that I have never been a spiteful person and I'm not going down that road now. Or that sensible people stop talking to crazy people who want to hurt you and that you can't talk logic to Bonkers who like being Bonkers. Or truth to liars. Or my favourite during the surreal MLC divorce process was File under F for Futile.  It was like reminding myself of my original GPS even if the world around me seemed to have gone quite mad  ;)
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 05:23:08 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline New Day Rising

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 161
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #82 on: November 11, 2019, 05:41:51 AM »
I can really relate to everything you're saying concerning your H and the kids. My ex in the first 2 years would turn up to anything relating to the school even though he would make every excuse that he couldn't see the kids (usually to do with work). He called the school once too to ask about our son's attendance. He could have asked me or he could have been more involved and he'd know. He used the information to ask me why our son had so many absences. It was due to the fact he was going to counselling once a week. I called the school and asked them what information he had asked for and they even explained to him that they were aware of the absences and it wasn't an issue as they had a record of what it was for.

Nowadays he doesn't turn up for much. OW takes up much of his time. This week he cut his time on Thursday short as OW was poorly. I found out from my son that the OW had taken too many tablets and was poorly due to this. I'm not sure what to make of it. However, OW was around when he had the kids on Saturday.

I think this just shows how messed up our ex's and their OW/OM really are.

Everyone else has mentioned this, but it is best to stay as low contact as possible. He's away with the fairies like my ex too, taking part in some really bad film.

I also feel my GPS isn't quite wired correctly at the moment too. I will get back to my old self.

I also struggle with my short term memory, but everyone tells me that it's due to being so busy and having to sort out the kids, work, sort the house etc. I'm not so sure. I used to be on the ball.
« Last Edit: November 11, 2019, 05:46:20 AM by New Day Rising »

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #83 on: November 11, 2019, 10:01:29 AM »
Happy Veterans Day (US)!  It’s Monday morning here in Seattle, another foggy one. S14 just popped his head upstairs for a bowl of cereal while S15 is still snoozing. They rarely get to sleep in, it makes my heart happy when they can catch up a bit on their sleep.

Weekend went GREAT. Hosted 45 for the party yesterday, and we had guests from 10a-10p.. My niece (who is more like a sister to me) is having her first baby at 41; we celebrated her and her new husband. All my siblings and their spouses were in town for the event, one from Hawaii, 2 from Cali, 1 from the Midwest, and the three of us local girls, plus cousins, friends. Three of my sisters came over early to help me set up. I had been shopping, cooking and cleaning for several days. The house looked festive, the food was amazing, champagne flowing. Such fun.  S27 - who I am extraordinarily close to and fiancé (yay, I finally get a girl!!) came early to help too, around 5pm they had to leave for awhile but after their obligation they came back and stayed late. All is right in my world. My kids were incredible - helping to host, organize, calm me when I had moments of overwhelm. I am just truly grateful, I have a beautiful life, a beautiful family. My siblings are the best. My mom with Alzheimer’s got to come and I got to sit by her side and hold her hand and tell her how much I love her.  When all the guests had left S15 was in a chatty mood, so we sat and talked for at least an hour. Not many 15yo boys want to just hang out at the end of the night and talk to their mamas... I look at him in wonder and think how did I get so lucky? I did some cleaning and headed off to bed around midnight.

Slept in this morning until about 8. There is still much to do this morning to pull house back together. It can wait while I drink my coffee as the Olympic Mountains peak out above the fog line over the sound and I catch up with my friends on HS.

Ember, you are spot on that my H baits me and unfortunately, I bit hard this week - and as many of you said, the truth darts bounce off him at the moment. Milly, I need to take your advice and be done with them. I have said my piece, the seeds are either planted or they aren’t. I need to save my breath and focus elsewhere. UM your analogy of my nose and the tree was the truth darts I needed - delivered in the very best way with your sense of humor. That’s exactly it. My nose is officially lodged in the bark. I need to extricate myself!! Nerissa, I think you and I have similar timelines so let me extend the same kindness to you that is often extended to me - we are really at the beginning of all this. It makes sense that our internal guidance system may be wonky for the moment, but it is still there, we just need to removed  our noses from the bark and tune back in, quietly listening to ourselves. Treasur, I agree I am chasing rabbits - this is actually a recurring dream for me since this all began - rabbits show up in my dreams, sometimes on a leash, sometimes untamed, always white. I love your perspective about remaining true to yourself regardless of former H’s actions. I am struggling with that - I often say to myself, I am not bitter, vengeful, angry, resentful, do not allow these circumstances to change the core me... however I also suck (pardon) at boundaries. So I have allowed H to cake eat and I can exhibit door mat behaviors - so that part of my core being has to change. H narcissism is currently out of control - I don’t consider hm a narcissist pre-MLC, but he has definitely been in mania and his replay antics are the very definition of narcissism with both me and our sons... he feeds off of the fact that he does whatever he wants and we are supposed to just go along - I think that’s why engaging with you all on HS is so important. I would make a royal mess of it all in my own - it’s just so opposite of anything I have ever experienced in the 18 years my H and I were together. New Day, yes, I need to dim the lights between H and me - how do I dim the light and also be the lighthouse? It’s a paradox.

Here’s my question of the day - I got an email this morning from H. After bailing on helping this weekend with more than two weeks notice and going out of town to watch OW S15 play, he has decided he would like to take the boys to lunch today (no school due to the holiday) and drive sporty son to Canada for the game tonight... he has only been with S14 1x in six weeks, he has come to a few of S15s games so he’s seen him but more often... I will talk with the boys once S15 wakes up, but in the meantime...  Any Thoughts?
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #84 on: November 11, 2019, 10:19:01 AM »
Something came up last night at my party that I think many on HS might be interested in - My H and I have been very good friends with a couple for more than ten years. A little over five years ago, my friend’s sister abruptly left her H of 25 years. They had three grown kids and she said she felt unfulfilled and needed to do something different with her life. It was a total blindside. Over the last five years one of their kids got married and the MLC W was cold and distant to her H. She was cruel and indifferent during their divorce. The MLC W’a dad (my friends dad too) was a prominent politician, he passed a little over a year ago, and at the funeral the LBS felt very awkward, didn’t know if he should belong, etc - my friends are wonderful to him, telling him you are family. Your FIL loves you, your MLC W has done this - you are very much wanted here etc. The LBS H stayed really close to his kids and the kids just didn’t understand their mom or why she was behaving so oddly... well last night, my friends told me, MLC W, after more than 5 years, has approached Her H and they are reconciling. Three plus years post divorce and five plus years from bomb drop.

I know, sample of one - oddly enough, in my world, every single MLCer I have known except 1, eventually comes out of the fog and wants to reconcile... small sample - maybe ten or so.

If you are standing and want to continue to stand, I appreciate hearing stories that provide some hope - maybe this story will brighten someone’s day...!

Xo
3Boys
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #85 on: November 11, 2019, 10:19:58 AM »
If the boys want to go, fine. And perhaps start to model a new boundary by asking one of your sons to reply to their father about logistics if they want to go. Take yourself out of the loop. If they don't, encourage them to again say so directly to him...we have plans, thanks or we'd prefer not to. Bc you want to grow sons who don't avoid uncomfortable stuff either lol. You are not the social secretary for either them or their father if the invite does not include you  :)

Boundaries can be tricky little beasts bc finding them difficult can be down to a bunch of different reasons. Brene Brown writes somewhere that the foundation of trust is about trusting ourself to set and honour own own boundaries to ourself. If you need to NOT do certain things bc you honestly believe you need to go Dim in your communication now, then honouring that is more important than if anyone thinks you are a lighthouse....besides lighthouses don't chase ships do they?  :)

Love the sound of your weekend. And that phrase 'all is right in my world'.....aim for more of that feeling my friend.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Nerissa

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 636
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #86 on: November 11, 2019, 11:40:45 AM »
3Boys,

You asked a question earlier in your response to Barbie -
Quote from: My3Boys
Why can I read other people’s threads and understand so clearly but when it is my own situation, I am drifting along in the dark, confused and incoherent - I really need to get in the habit of asking for feedback before I charge ahead.

There is a relatively simple explanation for this and it is common to many, if not most or even all of us at times, especially when we are still reeling from the shock of BD....

When you are reading the threads of others, you are standing on the hilltop, looking out over the forest, looking at all the trees that make up the forest below you... When the situation is yours, you've got your nose pressed so hard to a tree that it is making a dent in the trunk... because it is YOUR situation, you are personally involved.  That is where the difference lies - the OB- vs. SUB-jectivity...

As for H, he may be looking like a porcupine with all the truth darts sticking in him but, unfortunately, at the present time, he is immune to them...  So, yeah, VERY dark may be the way to go from here on out... Trying to deal with the Body-Snatcher pod version of H is about as productive as putting a screen door in a submarine...
To add to this - In my own situation, I am almost always so emotionally involved that advice simply flees my head and I react with old patterns and habits , even after having advice.  Other people seem to learn this lesson quicker, but I think it always applies to some extent to our own problems.  An uninvolved and wise eye is always helpful imo, but I am quite dependent on emotional support - a bit too much really.

Offline Anon

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 776
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #87 on: November 11, 2019, 12:15:07 PM »
Quote
oddly enough, in my world, every single MLCer I have known except 1, eventually comes out of the fog and wants to reconcile... small sample - maybe ten or so.
Interesting even if it is a small sample.  I must be one of the rare ones here because in my world I cannot think of even one person I know or have heard of who had or is having a MLC.   Did these people you know successfully reconcile?

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1036
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #88 on: November 11, 2019, 12:20:12 PM »
Anon - thanks for that bit of hope for reconnection in a few years...possibly...if it's in God's grand scheme.
Meantime, just going with the flow...

Treasur's advice about building your son's ability to communicate in difficult situations, and for themselves is so important.  Something I've had to learn as well with my boys.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #89 on: November 11, 2019, 12:53:57 PM »
Anon - no not all. Several, more than half successfully reconciled. In two, the MLC W still wants to reconcile but the LBS H do not want anything to do with their former spouses - neither are remarried, they were simply too damaged by the MLC. Two are in the early stages of reconciliation at just over four years and just over five years - but those two couples are committed to reconciliation.

My parents reconciled and remarried - MLC took a total of 16 years in their case - my dad married the OW, their affair was undercover we think for 2 years and then public for 8, my parents began to reconnect a little under 9 years after bomb drop, took them four years to reconcile and remarry than four more years to live together - my dad wasn’t out of the house for more than 16 years.  My neighbors split up when the kids graduated HS, MLC H married the OW, it was a contentious D, the OW and MLCer and he remarried original W about 12 years post bomb drop. Same thing happened with a former co-workers parents.

So maybe my world is very odd, but in all the situations of MLC (not traditional break ups) that I am directly attune too, in all but one the MLCer wanted their former spouse back. Almost all the ones I know were divorced and still wanted to return.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2786
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #90 on: November 11, 2019, 02:50:22 PM »
3boys, my advice would be to let your boys decide and tell their dad directly. Of course, they should inform you, but let them deal with it.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #91 on: November 11, 2019, 03:21:58 PM »
This morning I let the boys know their dad contacted. S14 did not want to see him. S15 wanted a haircut and he wanted the ride only because he would get home earlier if he had a direct ride (rink is about 2.5 hour drive each way) and tomorrow is a school day. The boys replied directly to their dad and I stayed out of it. I’m annoyed as hell because I really needed him to parent this weekend, but it’s not about me, so I just let it be. Progress.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1036
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #92 on: November 11, 2019, 03:59:41 PM »
3Boys -
Although you didn't get complete parenting (at least H took S to game), you did teach the boys to be responsible, and shut down being in the middle.
GREAT step!
It will do you well in the future.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #93 on: November 11, 2019, 10:45:51 PM »
Win for you and your boys, 3....you all got to choose and stick to boundaries that work for you...well done  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline ember

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 315
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #94 on: November 12, 2019, 07:56:03 PM »
Good job letting your boys take control. It gets easier as it goes along. For me, my exH simply texted the kids and kept me out of it which was great for my staying dark. It is just one more step towards your H realizing that you aren't playing his games anymore.

Keep up the good work.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #95 on: November 12, 2019, 09:00:09 PM »
Thanks for the support all.

He’s now contacted two more times today on separate issues - the first one, I didn’t reply to, there is no need, he can figure out the answer. The second contact was related to coordinating something with S14, I simply answered I am unavailable x, i will have S15 call you this day at x. Since my truth darts, he has reached out almost every day and I have only replied once. I still feel like crap, but going as dark as possible should hopefully help.

BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9374
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #96 on: November 13, 2019, 12:42:34 AM »
If I look into my magic crystal ball and look into your future, I see....


I see.....



I see H contacting you more and more because he feels the distance and wants to keep you riding the Rollercoaster with him. He'll start getting nervous now that he feels you withdrawing more and more and dropping the rope. He needs you to be responsible for his actions and the fact that you are putting the burden back on him (where it belongs) is causing him distress because Mid-Lifers can NOT be responsible for their actions - they HAVE to blame someone else or circumstances or whatever.

He seems to be playing the Pursuit-and-distance game now and is ramping up the contact in order to chase you.

Dark is a good thing for him to experience, let alone for you to begin to heal and get off the Roller Coaster....... He wants someone else in his life? Then that means he doesn't get YOU in his life, doesn't get you solving his issues with his sons, nothing...
« Last Edit: November 13, 2019, 12:45:43 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #97 on: November 13, 2019, 12:50:46 AM »
Great response, 3boys. And the more you do it, the easier and more natural it will become like any new habit. I'm sure UM is right - he is a wise experienced bear - but fight the temptation to monkey brain about what your xh may be thinking. After all, you are now his xw by his choice and the job description is rather shorter isn't it lol?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #98 on: November 13, 2019, 09:21:24 AM »
Hmmm, I believe UM and Treasur you are correct. I have another email this morning that I am choosing not to open yet. I monkey brain, feel sick to my stomach etc at the repeated contacts. Dark feels so much better, for me, not as a punishment to him or to create a specific result. I can not resolve his problems with our boys, nor can I make him do anything. His life, his choices. UM, yesterday I finally understood, as long as he is with OW, he has no place in my life at all.

I have tried to continue to be a soft place for him and to help him repair his relationship with the boys, and the boys (all 3) and I are withdrawn, depressed and battered as a result. Wanting to love someone and reach out when they continue to treat us like garbage only draws out the rejection we feel.

It’s long overdue. Time to totally drop the rope, detach and actively pursue our own healing. 2.5 years in, leave him be. Treasur I just read something you wrote about owning your healing on the menopause thread - I haven’t been owning my healing. Even though I have PTSD, it’s still entirely my choice when I don’t answer that ringing phone, make good self-care choices, and complete tasks that directly impact my and my boys future. Enough of the wallowing, the escape, the denial. Time to rejoin the world...
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3112
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #99 on: November 13, 2019, 09:29:52 AM »

Even though I have PTSD, it’s still entirely my choice when I don’t answer that ringing phone, make good self-care choices, and complete tasks that directly impact my and my boys future. Enough of the wallowing, the escape, the denial. Time to rejoin the world...

Atta girl!  When you realize that it’s YOUR choice, YOU can make the changes happen.  That’s the true meaning of taking Personal Responsibility. 

I applaud you arriving at this point. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8790
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #100 on: November 13, 2019, 10:57:17 AM »
Quote
Treasur I just read something you wrote about owning your healing on the menopause thread - I haven’t been owning my healing. Even though I have PTSD, it’s still entirely my choice when I don’t answer that ringing phone, make good self-care choices, and complete tasks that directly impact my and my boys future. Enough of the wallowing, the escape, the denial. Time to rejoin the world...

You might not feel quite yet how big and important this shift in you is, 3boys. But it is. And it is brave and honest and real and it will help you support your boys better too. There is nothing to lose from this choice and everything important to gain. When you look back though, you'll know how important a shift it was.

You may wibble and wobble, but that's ok....just keep your eyes on the question 'does this help me heal or feel stronger?' And I would really suggest taking a few moments at the end of each day to note your successes, even tiny ones, bc they start to lock into your brain that you are making progress.

I am cheering and smiling right now, 3 boys  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1480
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #101 on: November 13, 2019, 10:57:38 AM »
3Boys - just caught back up on your thread.
I do like your going dark and looky there MLC doesn't like it, does he.....
Our time lines are so similar and dangit...I must admit I have not owned my healing either. I sort of 'blame' my non healing on 'but I love him' and I cannot move on.
And maybe blame is not the right word - I evaded my actively pursuit of healing because somewhere deep down it feels that if I actively pursue to detach and move on, that means I no longer love him and that is a scary place for me to be.

Can you drag me with you out of the wallowing and denial and back into the world ?
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #102 on: November 13, 2019, 11:23:45 AM »
Oh Schratz,

I am right there with you and when I read your thread my heart hurts.  I love my husband. I don’t want to stop loving him. I don’t want to give up on faith, hope and love, for me, this is the “worse” of my vows for better or for worse. I have also seen MLC play out so many times, not just with my parents but in my immediate circle of family and friends. And I know how strong my marriage was and how much my husband loved me despite his current rewriting of history - however, here’s where the big BUT comes in - knowing those things and having those experiences, while entirely valid, have served to keep me mired in wallowing and waiting. My pain is real. The grief is real, the PTSD is real. Yet in order to move forward (not on) I must own my healing, be present in the now and look forward, not back. I keep re-injuring myself when I ruminate on all the MLC details... I simply am exhausted by doing this. I deserve joy, peace and a fulfilling life. I am not shutting the door on my H, in fact, I think I am honoring him more by letting him to it. That said, it is more important to honor myself, and my kids well-being. So yes Schratz, let’s do this together!!
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1036
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #103 on: November 13, 2019, 12:09:39 PM »
Great job 3Boys -
Take me with you and Schratz!

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #104 on: November 13, 2019, 12:48:26 PM »
I knew you would be “in” Sea, and yes! We can and will do this together!!
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11606
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #105 on: November 13, 2019, 01:24:24 PM »
The three of you sound very strong and on the right path.

 Wallowing and ruminating do nothing but keep the wound open and bleeding. Weakens and exhausts you.

There's no good reason to rehash this over and over again. Reliving it. It's time to start healing.
Once you get the hole deep enough you are standing in, you have to stop digging.

I have found the only way to heal is to go no contact after you have finally had enough of whatever their problem is and have some compassion for yourself.The only way to peace is through no contact.

How this effects them needs to be no concern of yours. They are big boys (and girls)

You do deserve better than this. You can do this.


Fantastic post 3Boys4Me!
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #106 on: November 13, 2019, 01:52:51 PM »
Quote
as long as he is with OW, he has no place in my life at all.
.

I am dancing all around my kitchen!!  Keep chanting this ...over and over!

Quote
I have tried to continue to be a soft place for him and to help him repair his relationship with the boys, and the boys (all 3) and I are withdrawn, depressed and battered as a result. Wanting to love someone and reach out when they continue to treat us like garbage only draws out the rejection we feel.
.

Stop doing this. To hit a "bottom" in his life is supposed to hurt. Not be all cushy and warm. Get out of your own way...and his.

Fantastic!

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #107 on: November 13, 2019, 02:02:57 PM »
Oh Barbie, you just made my day as I picture you dancing around your kitchen!!! Thank you, gave me a huge, warm boost, and yes, I am absolutely taking steps in the right direction. I also hear you loud and clear about no longer being the soft place for him to fall - you, Ursa Major, Milly, Thunder, ember, Treasur and others have helped me really “see” that my “loving him home” approach while he is deeply attached to the OW and his crisis is an exercise in futility as well as directly harmful to me and my own well being. 

Reading along with other threads like Seahorse, Schratz, Courage and so many more help me see my own situation reflected in theirs.  I was a lurker for some time on this forum, since deciding to actively participate, you have all helped me to begin the process of actively owning my healing. For that, I am eternally grateful!

BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11606
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #108 on: November 13, 2019, 02:23:03 PM »
Yes listen to Barbie's last post, no warm soft place to land for him.

While he has an ow you are out of the picture. Keep your dignity and self respect.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #109 on: November 13, 2019, 02:39:45 PM »
Thank you in it. I had heard that early on and I just simply ignored the advice - over and over and over again. The OW was a friend of mine - she was edgy and she reminded me and many of our mutual friends of a high school “mean girl” - she had a cutting, sense of humor and really masculine immature behaviors - people tolerated treatment from her they wouldn’t otherwise - it was very odd. As my Husband regressed his behaviors started matching hers - when he first met her, he told me he thought she was a slob and over the top, even calling her a pig at one point, Now he is living with her and they both act like arrogant, angry, manipulative high schoolers that I would never have hung out with - not at 16 and certainly not now.

Thank you for the reminder in it - I must take on this as my personal mantra, as long as he is with her in his life - he gets nothing from me. Nothing. No friendship, no care, no concern, no attention, no focus. I need to completely remove myself and heal. I have been paralyzed from forward motion and I deserve more. My kids deserve more.   The PTSD is overwhelming and as long as I continue to ruminate I don’t heal.



BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11606
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #110 on: November 13, 2019, 02:55:56 PM »
Yes that was the most intelligent posts of an LBS I ever read.

Fear can motivate you or paralyze you. So allow it to motivate you.

Now no Fear going forward.

What are you losing? Some kind of messed up teenager in a grown man body? Whoever wants him can have him.
Now give him no more ego feed..hey if he's got TWO women who are giving him attention he must be all that and a bag of chips.( At least that's what he's thinking.) Take yourself out of this scenario.

Also
No phone calls answered from him.
No texts replied too if he gets all sappy around the holidays
No emails answered professing his love or about anything else answered.
NOTHING.

Pull all the window shades down. Nothing but night for him.

Conserve you own warm loving light and give it to yourself and your children.
Your children will do as well as you do.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 115
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #111 on: November 14, 2019, 11:53:59 AM »
This question is about PTSD. I have suffered with PTSD since BD, currently it seems to be worse. My fear and panic response are very high. I haven’t been working a regular job for a little over a year and have no health insurance since the D. I paid out of pocket for talk therapy for awhile - but funds are far too low to continue that, and I don’t think it was working much for me anyway.

I am currently procrastinating and actually feel paralyzed from doing things I know I need to do - I can’t seem to focus to update my resume, organize my paperwork, complete taxes - I am due a refund and I can’t do them (I did all our finances and never missed a payment but H always did our taxes) ... I am further and further withdrawing into myself. Don’t want to go out, see friends, cook, can’t tackle my pile of paperwork... when you found yourself at your absolute low, what helped propel you out of it??
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2786
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #112 on: November 14, 2019, 12:14:48 PM »
Threeboys, I'm sorry you are so low at the moment. I've felt exactly the way you feel right now although I had to keep working or we would have been broke so that kind of saved me.

I don't have a solution so I'm going to make some suggestions just in case they should work for you. I get the not being able to deal with your taxes, because they are something I can't do either. In fact, the things I don't know how to do, I procrastinate and increase the problem. My suggestion is can you think of a friend, doesn't have to be an accountant just one good at numbers or forms, who would be willing to help you face the taxes in exchange for a lunch out/bottle of champagne or something similar? I have found when I'm very low like you, that not being able to resolve one of the big problems like the taxes keeps me paralized and unable to resolve even the easier stuff.

Curriculum: do you have a similar friend for this?

Are you taking antidepressants? I do and they help a little.

Have you already talked to your doctor about it?

Hopefully others will join in with more suggestions.

All I'm going to say is what you're going through is normal and many of us here know exactly how awful and helpless you are feeling. I do feel that it will pass eventually, however I understand that you would like it to end as soon as possible. Sending you hugs xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Father5

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Full Member
  • *
  • Posts: 149
  • Gender: Male
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #113 on: November 14, 2019, 12:33:16 PM »
HI 3Boys,

   So sorry you are going through this. I was real lucky that I was just able to hide in my office and read HS. I did this for about 6 months as I wsa unable to do anything else MLC consumed me. I did however play a lot of tennis, I mean a lot of tennis. This was considered by me to be avoidant behavior but it did help me get through it.

  I do suggest running or anything that will get your heart rate up even if its for just a few minutes. When you elevate your heart arte it will help releive anxiety. It will also help get your mind somewhere else and help you sleep.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5084
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #114 on: November 14, 2019, 12:51:07 PM »
3Boys--I am just like you. I froze for a long time--did the absolute minimum I needed to in order to survive.  I am also a procrastinator by nature so things did NOT get done for a while.

Here is how I dealt with it, maybe some of it will be useful to you.Everyone is different, but I too love getting others' perspectives.

1.  Make a list of all the things you need to do. And then make another list of things you want to do--ie: household improvements, etc. that are not essential. Now, take on ONE thing from the need list. Don't worry or think about anything else on there (unless you have to). Once complete, check it off. That is so satisfying. Now, take something from the "Want" list and work on that. For me, I wanted to re-paint some furniture. It was kind of a pain, but I was so pleased with it when finished. I felt very accomplished. (I also purged some of H's clothes--LOL--even more satisfying.) Just remember, ONE thing at a time. Try not to look at either list in the aggregate b/c then you can get overwhelmed. But once you start checking things off, you will feel better.  Well, I did anyway.

2. I agree with Father. Physical exercise, even if it is just a walk gets those endorphins going and that makes you feel better all over.  I joined OrangeTheory and loved it. Can't wait to go back (Still recovering form a broken toe)

3. Friends/family. Do you have someone to talk to? Or call? Actual real human conversation with friends is a major anti-depressant for me.

4. Help others. Are you involved in any charities? Helping others is also a major anti-depressant. There are so many worthy charities out there. Volunteering at shelters for humans or animals. Or even donating your own used items to Salvation Army (goes hand in hand with purging) can be helpful. And you are doing something to help. It takes the focus off our own misfortunes when we do this.

5. Speaking of animals. I find a good cuddle from my cat is very therapeutic.

These are all just ideas of course.  Trust that we have all been there in one way or another.  You have had to deal with so much in such a short amount of time, it is no wonder that it just caught up.  You will get through this too. I can tell by the way you write. You are a survivor.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1480
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #115 on: November 15, 2019, 11:27:16 AM »
Three boys - for the longest time all I did was go to work, go home and do it again the next day.
I didn't want to be around people or cook or do anything really except the bar minimum.
What helped me was 1. when asked to attend or join something, even though I didn't feel like it, I accepted and went. Did I always a great time - no. But it did get me out and around and some times I was really glad I went. 2. I started biking. Good old fashioned getting the bicycle out and riding it until your lung hurts and your legs hurt. Just being outside and away from everything and just challenging your body helped. I even entered a 30 mile bike event - came in dead last, but hey - I did it.

Find something that you enjoy doing with or without the boys and then do it as much as you can. As far as the taxes, I like the idea of asking a friend to help you with that. Coffee, piece of pie and deciphering tax documents … and you will feel so accomplished when it's done.

You can do it - make that list and cross off one item each day.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline forthetrees

  • MLCer Type: Vanisher
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3080
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #116 on: November 15, 2019, 03:18:42 PM »
In no particular order this is my how to get out from under the funk:

1. hot cup of Earl Grey tea- works every time.

2. Turbo tax- asks you questions one by one and leads you to the final paperwork. You can pause and save at any time.

3. Affirmations to replace the negative thought loops. I went from starting every day with, "I am the saddest person in the world." to "I am good. I am kind. I am important." The latter was my go-to affirmation repeated at night as a mantra until I fell asleep and the first thing I said to myself each morning. The transformation was not instantaneous, but it was dramatic when the shift occurred.

4. Short to-do lists- if the list is too long, it is overwhelming. Also, get a FAT black sharpie market to cross off things that get done. At this stage of the game, break down a task so that each step is worthy of a cross-off. Ex: if you have to paint something, instead of paint x, make it steps like, decide on color, buy paint, sand/scrape x, clean x, prime x, first coat, second coat. If you don´t break down the task it will likely not happen. So for the taxes, sign up for turbo tax, gather W-2, spend 15 min. on it, save, return next day, etc.

5. Go outside and expose some skin to the sunshine- they now know that UVB light affects your microbiome which affects the gut-brain axis- your immune system and your mood.

6. Listen to music but music without lyrics.

7. Watch HBO comedy specials. Google youtube clips of comedians.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #117 on: November 15, 2019, 06:57:28 PM »
And I am the exact opposite ..anxiety was so extreme that if I sat still or "stopped doing stuff" the anxiety tripled. If I even thought about stopping , I had extreme anxiety. I was up at 4 am ( on the dot ) I nothing could get me back to sleep . I would do laundry, bake muffins, paint rocks, vacume, empty dishwasher , sew and on and on ...and then at 8 I went to work. High and extreme energy from anxiety . It made selfcare very challenging because it often involved sitting still ...and I just could not stop. I often registered walking 6, 7 8 kilometers a day on my fitbit ...and I was in the house! Had the cleanest house in town . My therapists said perhaps it was effort to control things when my life was utterly out of control . She challenged me to sit and read in the middle of the day or just lay on the couch ...time for myself . Could not do it, the anxiety damn near killed me . I still struggle with this and have tried a variety of ways to change , calm down, reduce my constant "to do list" , get out of the house , learn to let things go , go easy on myself and repeatedly insist on selfcare. It is not easy ...anxiety creates extreme energy in me .  I do have PTSD ( diagnosed formally in hospital ) and I do think it is different in all people. Selfcare is really the answer to so many things .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline in it

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 11606
  • Gender: Female
Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #118 on: November 15, 2019, 09:12:52 PM »
I was like you Barbie, for activity.

I just slowed down after 5 years straight of it. I got sick and had to go on antibiotics. Ran myself right down. That slows you down. But I do not recommend running yourself into the ground, then you get THAT sick.

I take magnesium it soothes my nerves and helps me sleep.
Yogi brand makes a tea I love, Honey Lavender. helps a lot. Tension Tamer helps by Celestial Seasonings. I like both iced too.
I sleep to escape and stress now. I love naps.
Crying also helped relieve the stress.
I also did hypnosis, not cheap but worth every penny. That helped a whole lot.
I walk and I watch anything funny because laughing changes your brain chemistry. Laughing also relieves stress.
A nice bed with nice sheets soft blankets.
Anything overwhelming I took apart and if I just got a l-i-t-t-l-e something done that day for it? I considered it a personal best.

I also pray -a lot.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.