Author Topic: My Story My former spouse just said "he's happy"  (Read 2765 times)

Offline Cherry Blossom

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My Story Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #20 on: September 23, 2019, 08:33:24 AM »
Wow Ruby - your parent's story is incredible.  Your mum is definitely a superhero.  I'm sorry to read that she has Alzheimers.  It does sound like she's passed on a lot of her qualities to you (or you've picked them up) because you clearly have resilience too...
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #21 on: September 23, 2019, 09:29:33 AM »
3 boys

Sorry you have bern feeling blue. Well done taking PJ’s advice.

Thanks for sharing your parents story.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #22 on: October 20, 2019, 12:30:56 PM »
Thought I would do a quick update and ask for some help... I am in the “pause” and struggling to find my peace and happiness - I still wake up often in disbelief that this is my new life.

After five months of denial, It’s been two years this week since I learned my MLCer had an OW who was a “close friend” of mine. My spouse was a clinging boomerang who spent a great deal of time in monster but lots of confusion and touch and goes. From May - July this summer we spent a lot of time together as a family at events for our sons. By the end of the summer he was saving me seats, sharing sports programs, buying each other water or snacks while at events... this was all happening just as he moved in with the OW.

Then in late August, there was a big issue where our son and the OW’s son tried out for the same select sports team - our son made the team and hers did not - she, and even her 15yo seemed to blame our son for her son not making the team - I could tell my MLCer was very conflicted between being happy for our son but angry the OW son didn’t make it. We travel every weekend with the sport and he wanted the kids to play on the same team (wasn’t going to happen, my son would have dropped down a competitive level - he will not travel with his dad and the OW and refuses to be around her at all.) This has generated a whole new round of animosity - my ex is back to spewing at me, blaming me - now he said the kids are punishing him for wanting out of a bad marriage, they will not stay with him overnight or go to her house where their dad is now living.

He has moved from obvious confusion to saying things like  “I’m happy” and we had a “bad marriage” - yet he can’t completely detach from me (nor I from him if I’m honest)

I have heard that MLC gets worse before it gets better. And there is no question he is still in replay (BD was 2.5 years ago) - for those of you who are standing... how did you or are you handling this time “in between”... the “it gets worse” period...

I feel like I have been called to stand. It’s the hardest thing I have ever done. That said, I don’t walk on eggshells around him any more, I have boundaries now that I failed miserably at setting the first 1.5 years, but I still miss my husband and the man he used to be. His anger and contempt for me, and our kids, is so hard to understand.

I welcome any ideas as to how to continue to move forward as the reality of two years with no visible progress sets in... he seems more committed to the OW and her two sons then to our sons... and certainly to me.

For those of you who have endured this longer than two years - what has been the key to your stand??
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #23 on: October 20, 2019, 01:27:31 PM »
3boys

This is for sure the hardest thing, sorry your mom has Alzheimer’s and not able to support you like she could have.

I have thought of myself as healing rather than standing. Healing while not complicating things further is probably it. I’m not far ahead of you, 3 years from BD. I’ve been in that limbo land though and it’s a tricky place to be. The advice of detaching, GALing, eyes off MLCer, live like they are not coming back is really how to survive it. It’s all you can do 3boys. I thought my H was past replay and I didn’t mean it lightly, I was sure he was past it but really he’s never left it which I can’t believe. I think he had clarity in between OW1 & OW2 for around 6 months in 2018.

As LBS we need to move forward. Probably the key to your stand will be one day at a time. Just keep surviving the day. I’ve no experience of OW with children though and it sounds like another level xxx

Keep posting here as that will help you through
Sending you strength and support
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Surviving2019

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #24 on: October 20, 2019, 02:03:27 PM »
3boys

Wow, I’m feeling a bit like you today: I’m 2 years from BD with a false start this May-August 3019. I thought he had gained some clarity and the mature man I married was back. I was wrong and I’m still reeling at times from this. He’s run back into that tunnel which is painful to watch.

I’m trying hard to detach and live my life. If I’m completely honest, I do pretty well if I have some plans. Today, it’s just me and the dog and I’m finding that really difficult. I went to church and hiked. Now I’m just sitting here feeling a little sad and at times disappointed that this is my life.

I don’t have any advice to offer: everything you’ve been given seems like the thing to do. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #25 on: October 20, 2019, 02:18:07 PM »
Yes, you’re not alone.  Like Rose I tend to think of this time as healing.  I figure the kids and I need at least 3 years to do that. 

It is tough when they draw close to you and then go back to Monster.  After a year of Monster mine is being very friendly, but I know it would be tough if he goes back to being so ugly. 

This is one long ride.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #26 on: October 20, 2019, 02:39:48 PM »
Thanks Rose, Surviving and Joy. It’s too bad that we belong to this strange club, but I truly appreciate your support. I’m grateful.

I like the concept of healing rather than standing.  It is a slight shift in perspective that could be really good for me, thank you. My two younger sons had their first Homecoming last night (freshmen!) and MLCer showed no interest, zero. I used to believe he was the greatest dad in the world. I couldn’t believe how lucky I was, and now he’s well, non-existent. It’s the disbelief and feeling that this can’t be my life - but it is. I need to regroup, reframe this as time for me to heal, set the example for our sons and move forward. Some days are just hard..
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Online barbiedoll

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #27 on: October 20, 2019, 03:14:55 PM »
Quote
Some days are just hard..
.

Indeed ..they are hard. Some days are so excruciating we wonder how to get thru them . I am quietly following along with you and I do have some "opinions" or perspectives to share with you . I am just getting my thoughts together and hoping to get some time to myself later this evening . I think you are pretty damn amazing , I really do. I will get back to you ..I promise.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #28 on: October 20, 2019, 03:45:18 PM »
Hello,

Quote
I am in the “pause” and struggling to find my peace and happiness

Don't struggle. Find happiness in your reality. It is all around you if you don't focus on what you don't control. Instead see moments in your life that bring joy. Your son made the team, you should be proud of him and his accomplishment. That's a feeling of happiness. Instead of focusing on the absence of you h from his life, feel content that you are a part of your sons' lives.

Building your life is posting and doing the things you do that bring you forward. I suggest you read Morte's thread about trying new things and moving forward. LP posted about, "Conquering your fear."

I think you need to do the same. So your H claims or states his happiness from a bad marriage. Do you fear he is right? That a man that deserts his family and his obligations that he made to you and before God. Why do you place any faith in his words now.

Instead, I advise you to try something you've never done before. It doesn't have to be huge, try a new recipe, go to a place you've never been before, take the kids for a hike and lunch....the sky's the limit. Live life as if he is never coming back. Find happiness in who you are and thrive despite him.

I know it is hard, but detachment is more than not communicating with him, it's cutting the emotional ties, hopes, and thoughts that continue to make him a part of your world.

Personally, two years on your own is remarkable and you don't give yourself the credit that you are due.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #29 on: October 20, 2019, 11:10:35 PM »
First of all, thanks for the update 3Boys. I don't know that I can really add anything more than what others have already said here. But I'll add my voice to the choir of those reminding you to give yourself some credit. You've already done something incredibly difficult, so you should know that you're capable of doing incredibly difficult things.

I think Ready is on to something. So many of us are self-critical. When our spouse or X says something critical about us, we're afraid they're right. But if your spouse has obviously lost his judgment and senses, why take his criticism of you to heart?

Quote
For those of you who have endured this longer than two years - what has been the key to your stand??
Well, I stood for 3 1/2 years and would have stood for longer but my XW filed for divorce. (I'm an Iffer now.) Lots of folks here helped me out a lot with great advice, seeing a counselor helped, and exercise helped. I wasn't great at detaching and getting a life - I had a live-in wallower. But the better I was about squashing expectations, the better I felt.

If you expect nothing, you appreciate everything.  Hard lesson to learn!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

 

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