Author Topic: My Story My former spouse just said "he's happy"  (Read 2767 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #70 on: November 08, 2019, 02:18:30 AM »
Yes, what everyone said.
You were actually gracious in offering him a chance to step up.  He turned it into a ‘ME, ME, ME’ session.  How typical...

For what it’s worth, may I share my experiences on co-parenting?  I made no attempt to do so.
I wrote him off as a poor crazy uncle boarding with us.
I was IT for my kids. I had two of my best friends on standby if I had to be at 2 places at the same time.
It’s only recently that I was able to delete a long list of tradespeople I could contact if the house needed some fixing.

Write him off, 3Boys.  He is as useless as tits on a bull ;D while he is thrashing about in MLC land.


Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #71 on: November 08, 2019, 08:39:38 AM »
Thank you Courage, Ready, Nerissa, UM, Treasur, Milly, Acorn - such outstanding advice and I laughed so hard at Ready’s suggestion I about spit water out my mouth!

So, after our meeting at school which MLCer attended (why? So he looks good at school, he doesn’t see his child but he will show up and act involved so he can sign the paperwork saying he attended the meeting), he didn’t say two words to S14 - S14 was diagnosed with suicidal ideation, anxiety and depression 18 months ago. I have had him in treatment, he’s on anti-d’s and we are now exploring  trauma therapy. MLCer won’t acknowledge S14 condition or diagnosis because then he would have to acknowledge the circumstances leading up to the condition.... so anyway, S14 has been having panic attacks and it’s disrupting his performance at school - he’s a brainiac with one of those “extraordinary” minds but the depression and anxiety are over the top and he’s suffering, he also has performance anxiety because his dream is to be a NASA astronaut and be involved with the MARS mission so grades are very important to him - a perfect storm for this kid...

S14 was not happy his dad was there acting like he knew what was going on and yet ignoring his kid, I did not look at or speak to MLCer during the meeting. S15 was waiting outside the school talking to friends, when the meeting was over MLCer went to talk to sporty S15, which made both kids cranky... kids and I got in the car, we drove up to the hockey rink where sporty son was meeting up with other kids for a workout.

Before I had a chance to read all your great advice, I responded to MLCer monstering back. I was just so sad, mad, frustrated. I was sick at his ridiculous statement “my role is not as helper to you”, his complete lack of acknowledgement at what our sons are experiencing, his calling the children’s feelings heinous, his description that his kids are hurting “the ones he loves”, and his willingness to fully abandon his children if they refuse to have a relationship with OW...

I was spent, my tank empty and I responded with several truth darts - including telling him our sons don’t want a relationship with the OW, a person they trusted who betrayed them and stabbed them in the back, they wanted a relationship with him. That what he was building with her wasn’t love, love isn’t built on lies, deceit, betrayal and the destruction of another person’s marriage and family. That he was living a corrupt fantasy. That I didn’t need his help, but he was choosing to not live up to the parenting plan - he could still see the boys, spend time with them and simply return them home at bed time... that everything he was doing was 100% self-centered, it was all transparent excuses... Blah blah blah word vomit word vomit...

After hockey I took the boys out to dinner as I couldn’t face cooking. I told them their dad had made it pretty clear he wouldn’t be seeing them anymore until they accept his OW. And they both said fine, they didn’t feel like they had a dad anymore anyways, and so off I went to bed crying into my pillow asking myself how had our lives turned into this and how on earth did I fall in love with a man 20 years ago that is capable of such contempt for his own family....this morning I sorted rides for S15 to his game in Canada tonight, coordinated to be the driver for other parents for our Monday game, told the coach our son would miss Saturday’s game because of family obligations (he’s not happy about that but without MLCers help it doesn’t work due to logistics of the weekend beyond just the game)

Now, I am just numb, drinking coffee, staring out at the foggy haze over the Puget Sound, watching the burnt rust leaves blow across our lawn as the wind coaxes them from the trees, grateful for all of you following along on HS, that there are people out there who get it, that I’m not crazy, and that this will pass, my 3Boys are beautiful, amazing humans, I am a decent, kind person, and none of this, NONE of it, is about the boys or me. It may affect us, but it’s not about us, and it will not destroy us...




BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline seahorse

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #72 on: November 08, 2019, 10:26:45 AM »
3Boys---
Every time I read one of your posts, it rings so true with me and my MLCer as well as my boys' relationship (not) with their biological father.  My son also has said that he's not really a dad to him.  They haven't spoken, texted, seen each other in over a year - granted my son is older than yours...

I will be interested to see how your H reacted to your many, oh so true, truth darts.  Please let us know his response, because you will probably get more monstering...

So happy that you were able to take a step back and have a cup of coffee realizing that this is not about you, or your amazing boys.  It is about your H and what he has to go through right now, sadly taking us along with them to a degree.  Their actions affect us, but we cannot be effected by their actions.  Subtle difference...  (Some english major please correct grammar if I got effect and affect mixed up!).  I think you know what I mean though...

I learned not to depend (or ask) H for anything - help, money,. zip-nada.
Live your life as if...  be at peace with your boys...   love yourself...

Hugs to you.
Wish I was there to share a cup of coffee with you - unfortunately I'm on completely opposite coast, almost directly straight across.
BUT - My S may be going to college in your state (short list), so visits may be in order! 

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #73 on: November 08, 2019, 11:04:20 AM »
Sea, if you make that college visit than coffee is in order, would be so nice to connect with someone who gets it in person.

Thank you for understanding, our stories are so similar and I see them reflected in so many others on this forum, it is not a club I ever contemplated joining but I am grateful it exists - in RL, it’s been two years now since affair was outed and our community learned of our troubles - the Shock has worn off for others where the kids and I are still wobbly, looking for our footing...
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #74 on: November 08, 2019, 11:36:01 AM »
OMG 3Boys--my H does the same thing. He shows up to all the school meetings even though he NEVER sees S13, except a couple morning during the school week and lacrosse practice, which he coaches along with 2 other teams. Super Dad.

Anyway, I am so sorry he is being such an idiot. There really are no other words. But based on what you had written on my thread, I am guessing he was "committed" to a weekend with OW and her fam and couldn't get out of it so he projected all that guilt, shame and frustration upon you and the boys. My H does the same--OW and her fam call all shots and H willingly obliges. And I can see the terror in his face when he tries to weasel out of something for S13. It isn't normal what they do. It is pathetic and sad and one day it will all come crashing down around them.

My H has been gone for 3.5 years. Everyone where I live assumes all is fine with us now too. LOL. S13 and I are wobbly too, but getting better.

One thing I have done, since my H was useless as a parent from the get-go was to find a village of S's  friends parents, etc to help me. I work an hour out of town so it is critical for me as H is literally dark at all times (even has me blocked on his phone). It is nice not having to rely on him especially when the answer is usually no if I do ask.

Anyway, good luck this weekend.  And hey, sometimes those truth dart e-mails are necessary. Lord knows I have sent my fair share. Once we realize we are dealing with a soul-less alien though, we see that our energies are better spent elsewhere.

Hugs.

 

   
« Last Edit: November 08, 2019, 11:38:02 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online barbiedoll

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #75 on: November 08, 2019, 11:43:13 AM »
I responded to your post last night and then LOST THE ENTIRE THING!  Damn! But it was not much different than all the others have said . You do need to use your friends or relatives and stop asking him for any kind of help. I know this is hard … he is a father that has lost his mind ( clearly) and the less you interact with him the better. Its OK that you had a truth-dart spew at him ( saw that as plan B) , just know it a) had no affect on him or b) he uses your "anger and unreasonableness" as justification for his behavior or C) he shares it with OW and they bond and talk endlessly about how crazy YOU are. None of that is ammo that you want to give them.

I future it is best to ignore his spews all together . What would they talk about then? Or very short responses ( in 3 days) such as " I understand " , or  " sorry this is not going like you planned " or "sorry you feel that way" and of course ( as has been said) " I have made other arrangments and will not require your help ". Boggle him with no reaction.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline 3Boys4MeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #76 on: November 08, 2019, 12:01:30 PM »
KIT,
Oh yes, that is it exactly, a few weeks ago he was amenable, going to help, just had to check a few things out, this week OW s15 hockey schedule was released and he has games all weekend 3.5 hours away on the other side of our state. She is a manipulating, cunning home wrecker that wants MLCer to have nothing to do with his own children - but she was to parade him around like a prize at hockey events (the community is horrified, they have no shame and no friends but her arrogance exceeds even his, which is off the charts) - so ultimately he made his declining to see our sons about the kids not accepting his relationship with OW so he can appease her and go out of town this weekend with her and her sons rather than taking care of his own. Our S15 knew immediately what was up.

Barbie - yes, this, all of this! Why can I read other people’s threads and understand so clearly but when it is my own situation, I am drifting along in the dark, confused and incoherent - I really need to get in the habit of asking for feedback before I charge ahead. I was reading your post on trusting yourself and your intuition on another thread and it was so personally resonant. I used to be very attuned and highly intuitive, including as this all began, but this last year I feel much cloudier, muddier and less in touch with my intuition. I am doubting the feedback I am getting spiritually and in my gut - it is this overwhelming numbness, void-place that I currently reside, as if I am cut off from that part of my nature - if you have any tips on how you re-accessed your intuition is love to hear them!!  And yes, he does read the emails with OW, the tone has changed recently, I actually think she is writing or helping to write them. Not surprising really. Gross, but not surprising.

Xx
3Boys
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline ember

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #77 on: November 08, 2019, 09:00:06 PM »
I know its hard to avoid communication when there are kids involved, but in your case, yours are old enough to decide if they want to see their father or not. That, right there will limit the amount of contact necessary between you and your MLCer. Don't ask him for help, don't ask him for anything, that alone will get him thinking.

He will try to bait you, like he did when you asked for help. Don't respond. There's a good rule, when you receive a text or email, don't respond for at least 24 hours. That allows you time to cool off and really think about the message and what is behind it. A day later, you may decide to just ignore it or possibly respond, but in a calm business like manner if necessary. 

Going dark for me was a life saver. The longer I went without any contact with him, the stronger I became and then when contact was necessary, I could handle it well. No emotion.

Ember

Offline Milly

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #78 on: November 11, 2019, 02:03:33 AM »
3boys, I can understand your need to send those truth darts. Now you've told him how you feel, there's no need to repeat it ever again. Your H is the usual useless selfish father. The fact that his OW is someone you and your kids knew, just makes it even worse. The fact that some of these MLCers like yours, prefer to spend the weekend rooting for OW's kids instead of your own is abominable. When they're like this, they are an embarrassment to themselves.

I like everything Barbie said. I would ignore your H completely now. NC or as dim as possible. Let the boys decide and respond for themselves. I remember when my S15 stood up for himself and told H he would not go out with him if OW was there, it really put my H in his place. My H still tried to bully S into being around OW, but my S stood his ground. Now H would never dream of asking S to be around OW.

You did great sorting out help for your sporty S. Look how resilient you are. Your boys just need each other and you. You can make their life very fulfilling and you do. Life with you is safe and very fun. They know that.

I hope that as you watch the leaves blow over the Puget Sound, you also take a moment to count your blessings. You are doing really well.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Reply #79 on: November 11, 2019, 02:51:11 AM »
3Boys,

You asked a question earlier in your response to Barbie -
Quote from: My3Boys
Why can I read other people’s threads and understand so clearly but when it is my own situation, I am drifting along in the dark, confused and incoherent - I really need to get in the habit of asking for feedback before I charge ahead.

There is a relatively simple explanation for this and it is common to many, if not most or even all of us at times, especially when we are still reeling from the shock of BD....

When you are reading the threads of others, you are standing on the hilltop, looking out over the forest, looking at all the trees that make up the forest below you... When the situation is yours, you've got your nose pressed so hard to a tree that it is making a dent in the trunk... because it is YOUR situation, you are personally involved.  That is where the difference lies - the OB- vs. SUB-jectivity...

As for H, he may be looking like a porcupine with all the truth darts sticking in him but, unfortunately, at the present time, he is immune to them...  So, yeah, VERY dark may be the way to go from here on out... Trying to deal with the Body-Snatcher pod version of H is about as productive as putting a screen door in a submarine...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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