My former spouse just said "he's happy"

[Milly]

3boys, my advice would be to let your boys decide and tell their dad directly. Of course, they should inform you, but let them deal with it.

[3Boys4Me]

This morning I let the boys know their dad contacted. S14 did not want to see him. S15 wanted a haircut and he wanted the ride only because he would get home earlier if he had a direct ride (rink is about 2.5 hour drive each way) and tomorrow is a school day. The boys replied directly to their dad and I stayed out of it. I’m annoyed as hell because I really needed him to parent this weekend, but it’s not about me, so I just let it be. Progress.

[Seahorse]

3Boys -
Although you didn't get complete parenting (at least H took S to game), you did teach the boys to be responsible, and shut down being in the middle.
GREAT step!
It will do you well in the future.

Sea

[Treasur]

Win for you and your boys, 3....you all got to choose and stick to boundaries that work for you...well done 

[ember]

Good job letting your boys take control. It gets easier as it goes along. For me, my exH simply texted the kids and kept me out of it which was great for my staying dark. It is just one more step towards your H realizing that you aren't playing his games anymore.

Keep up the good work.

[3Boys4Me]

Thanks for the support all.

He’s now contacted two more times today on separate issues - the first one, I didn’t reply to, there is no need, he can figure out the answer. The second contact was related to coordinating something with S14, I simply answered I am unavailable x, i will have S15 call you this day at x. Since my truth darts, he has reached out almost every day and I have only replied once. I still feel like crap, but going as dark as possible should hopefully help.

[UrsaMajor]

If I look into my magic crystal ball and look into your future, I see....


I see.....



I see H contacting you more and more because he feels the distance and wants to keep you riding the Rollercoaster with him. He'll start getting nervous now that he feels you withdrawing more and more and dropping the rope. He needs you to be responsible for his actions and the fact that you are putting the burden back on him (where it belongs) is causing him distress because Mid-Lifers can NOT be responsible for their actions - they HAVE to blame someone else or circumstances or whatever.

He seems to be playing the Pursuit-and-distance game now and is ramping up the contact in order to chase you.

Dark is a good thing for him to experience, let alone for you to begin to heal and get off the Roller Coaster....... He wants someone else in his life? Then that means he doesn't get YOU in his life, doesn't get you solving his issues with his sons, nothing...

[Treasur]

Great response, 3boys. And the more you do it, the easier and more natural it will become like any new habit. I'm sure UM is right - he is a wise experienced bear - but fight the temptation to monkey brain about what your xh may be thinking. After all, you are now his xw by his choice and the job description is rather shorter isn't it lol?

[3Boys4Me]

Hmmm, I believe UM and Treasur you are correct. I have another email this morning that I am choosing not to open yet. I monkey brain, feel sick to my stomach etc at the repeated contacts. Dark feels so much better, for me, not as a punishment to him or to create a specific result. I can not resolve his problems with our boys, nor can I make him do anything. His life, his choices. UM, yesterday I finally understood, as long as he is with OW, he has no place in my life at all.

I have tried to continue to be a soft place for him and to help him repair his relationship with the boys, and the boys (all 3) and I are withdrawn, depressed and battered as a result. Wanting to love someone and reach out when they continue to treat us like garbage only draws out the rejection we feel.

It’s long overdue. Time to totally drop the rope, detach and actively pursue our own healing. 2.5 years in, leave him be. Treasur I just read something you wrote about owning your healing on the menopause thread - I haven’t been owning my healing. Even though I have PTSD, it’s still entirely my choice when I don’t answer that ringing phone, make good self-care choices, and complete tasks that directly impact my and my boys future. Enough of the wallowing, the escape, the denial. Time to rejoin the world...

[Acorn]

Even though I have PTSD, it’s still entirely my choice when I don’t answer that ringing phone, make good self-care choices, and complete tasks that directly impact my and my boys future. Enough of the wallowing, the escape, the denial. Time to rejoin the world...

Atta girl!  When you realize that it’s YOUR choice, YOU can make the changes happen.  That’s the true meaning of taking Personal Responsibility. 

I applaud you arriving at this point.