Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage  (Read 1545 times)

Offline Finding Joy

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My Story Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #10 on: September 20, 2019, 08:07:07 AM »
Rose, courage is the perfect word for this time in your journey.  I also struggle with a loss of respect for my h, I’m not sure how you get that back. 

The hardest part is the not knowing when or if their crises will end and if it does end, will they chose to walk away because it is easier.  It is tough with kids because we are tied to them.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #11 on: September 20, 2019, 11:49:04 AM »
Welcome to your new thread Rose...love the idea of courage!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2019, 12:06:18 PM »
Latching on and sticking around to support you...no matter what!

You do have the COURAGE to keep tackling life one day at a time Rose!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline RosetintedglassesTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2019, 01:46:52 PM »
H texted me today to see if S&D wanted to go to cinema. He had already agreed it with them and was checking with me. I said no to D as she wasn’t feeling well. He texted back and forward quite chatty. I wasn’t expecting that. Why does my mind think so positively all the time. I wonder why i’m Not angry at him. Am I in denial?

He came and collected S. I was gardening but as I knew he was coming I deliberately made sure I was showered and hair and make up on to give me courage. I didn’t want to see him and was certainly not doing it with gardening hair/makeup especially after the last twice and his recent news. He was late and S was annoyed so he waited at the door and just ran when H arrived. I was there with P but stayed behind the wall. Hair and make up not required but it was for me anyway.

I think they’ve just arrived back
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline RosetintedglassesTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #14 on: September 22, 2019, 05:05:26 AM »
Yes they had arrived back. I stayed upstairs and didn’t go down. He left after an hour or so and I heard and came down to help S lock the door and wave him away. I said I was on the phone.  I am looking forward to being able to be more honest with them once they know.

I had a few friends call me and I told another few friends which helped. Some friends advice is different to others, quite interesting and it opens yet another dilemma as I have heard of people losing friends when they give advice and the person goes against it. I need to say this to the few who are spending lots of time telling me what to do and what not to do as I know this is MLC and so unpredictable and I won’t decide now what I will do or not in the future. I’ll do what’s best for now.

Not only does this blow up your life but then you find yourself having to break this news that you don’t want to people, manage their feelings, take their advice, listen to them although none of them have been in this position and on top of that put in a caveat that who knows what will happen in the future.

I’d say this is taking its toll on me. Not terribly but I am overwhelmed. It comes down to financials as if I could live in the house without him I could manage no trouble. I am worried about how I will get through but I know I will. A few friends say ‘it’s just a house’ and I get that but it’s our home and with all the upheaval going on I don’t want more. I think that’s ok to feel like that. One friend, who is divorced but not MLC, said if he’s not mentioning selling the house then don’t you either. Better advice and more along how I feel. Doesn’t change things financially though but it was nice to here her say it’s better if you dont have to move.

I feel like I want to lie in bed for a year and someone else sort all this out for when I get up again.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Maleficent

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #15 on: September 22, 2019, 06:33:45 AM »
Hi Rose, just wanted to send a ((hug)). Your word for the thread is Courage and that's what you will need to get you out of bed every morning. I understand so wanting to lie there and hope it will magically sort out. Our time frames are similar and ow1 has disappeared presumably from my story as well.  We like to believe that at that point our H's will realize that their old life was really good. And then when they don't... another heartbreak. But you have the courage and two fine children and a cute puppy to keep you moving.  And us-we are all here for you. As you said, just do what's best for now.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Treasur

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #16 on: September 22, 2019, 06:46:33 AM »
Dear Rose, well we all know that feeling. And you are quite right that you will work your way through this new stage of uncertainty. I can't remember if you have taken legal advice? Sometimes gettingba bit of info, even if you don't act in it, can reduce the worry about things like the house.

I read somewhere that in uncertain times when we feel our choices are really important, we need to be a little selfish about the voices we allow into our heads. And that often we need just a few people who will listen to where we are and stand with us there without judgment. Not many people can do that easily so you may need temporarily to step away from some of the voices, even if their intent is good, so you can hear your own voice more clearly.

As I recall, the only new thing is about ow2 and the apartment move with the potential financial effects of that? Has your h mentioned divorce or formal separation or any other big changes? Accept that some of how you feel now is about both disappointment and the uncertainty of a change in the status quo...it is likely that you will be filling that space with your own fears which may or may not prove to be accurate. But it is a shift in the situation so allow yourself to be still enough to figure out how you need to respond. That still space is where Courage lives too isn't it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #17 on: September 22, 2019, 12:27:33 PM »
Rose
I hate you are having to deal with more of his MLC foolish crap.
Remember we talked about being able to go to a remote tropical island and just live till it's over??? That would be lovely.
Your too strong of a woman to just lie in bed. I know the feeling though.
It's easy for friends to give advice. If they are real friends, they will understand your feelings and support what you want. If they cant??? Well they are not real friends. Try to not worry about that.
As for finances?? I think your H will keep doing as he has been. Any change in that would disrupt his fantasy life. So you have time to figure things out. IDK how it is where you live, but here if the H leaves and abandons his kids and wife and leaves, well he will have to take care of things financially. Not a of it, but a pretty goid chunk of it. So I don't see him doing anything unless he has too.

Sending you strength today girl. Keep your head up and keep moving forward.

Offline RosetintedglassesTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #18 on: September 22, 2019, 03:05:07 PM »
Thanks you all, I will reply.

Just wanted to say I spoke with H today. I had an hour without children and he wasn’t working so thought I could speak with him but assumed he wouldn’t answer. He did. We chatted for 40 mins. I said it was to discuss what to say to the children about OW2. He misunderstood and thought we were only telling them he’s not coming back rather than OW2 so we will both think further on that.

He is sounding so much more healthy than he was. We chatted a bit about OW1. I asked how it ended. He said it was not long after he left here, I asked what he thought about that now and he said ‘it was ridiculous’. The whole thing. He never thinks about her and didn’t say it but sounded like he regretted it. He certainly doesn’t respect her.

His take on OW2 is that we have been separated for 2 years and he has been seeing her for around 6months (I asked as he was a bit frosty 6months ago and told him this. I said he acted differently to me which is true). I asked why it took so long to tell me if it was a reasonable thing to do and he said he wasn’t sure if it would go anywhere. Sounds fair enough. He was quite nice to me. We chatted about the car as we need to sell it. I said I don’t really like it and he said ‘well start thinking about which car you would like’. He said not having the car is worse than not having a flat. He says he walks a lot and uses public transport. I told him this all makes no sense as we have the car sitting here and so he does have a car but chooses not to use it.

I also said that I remember him age 21 excited to be buying a flat and with his car said it would be great. I said it doesn’t seem right to work through your life to a big house (ish) and almost immediately say you want a flat again, and a car. I said I don’t understand it. He agreed.

He asked if he could take the children away for a few nights. I wasn’t sure and asked if OW2 would he there and he said no, for sure. I really felt rejection with this request as it’s basically the family minus me. Not sure what the children would think, another thing to think about.

This led me to ask what was wrong with us and he said we weren’t happy and didn’t communicate. I said no no I did communicate and would always say if I wasn’t happy. I said this was you, you must have been unhappy and didn’t mention it. I said what wrong with conflict anyway. It’s ok to say no. I said you didn’t say anything, got ow and left. I said ‘as a friend i’d Say you should get IC as this will raise its head again in your life if you don’t, it’s unhealthy’  he said I was right.

Basically he says he’s not coming back in case he’s a moany dad again and wants to be this fun dad. He says he’s worried he gets triggered (his word) back in the family. Is he over his MLC, decided not to come back and now found a new gf in his new life? That’s how it felt.

I told him I have a hospital appt this week (so to wait to tell children until afterwards). We chatted it through and he was interested and asked how I was getting there etc then at the end said good luck with it. He’s being quite nice to me. It’s so much better than being nasty like before but it does make it difficult to keep my head right.

I’m not re-reading this as no time. Hope it’s ok
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline RosetintedglassesTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #19 on: September 23, 2019, 03:41:36 AM »
Mal, I felt your hug, thank you. Luckily not getting out of bed isn’t really an option.  I don’t think I mean it from a depressive state more from a mind overload not knowing where to start, what to think or what’s for the best. Maybe it’s the same thing. I’m glad your OW1 has gone, hopefully your H thinks it was all ridiculous as my H said about his OW1 yesterday.

Treasur, I have legal info calling me back. It is free so not sure how in depth but better than nothing for now. I love what you said about the voices. Someone standing with me is right. I do have a couple of people like that. Yes new info is OW2 and H saying he has no plans to come back and would rather get a flat. No mention of divorce or selling house but financially I know we are at our limit. I think he would feel guilty if we had to move house and already feels guilt so I think if he could afford somewhere he would be happy enough. Yes T, I think my courage is sitting there, I am using little bits of it that last week I didn’t need. But it’s there so that’s good.

Help, I like to use your shortened name as it’s what you called yourself when you started and i’ll Always remember your support back then. (I’ll not mention the other part of your original name, ha ha) I know you are disappointed in my H and that this is dragging on and getting worse for me. I’m sad too, it’s really hard but it helps knowing you are not having to deal with this from your W so hope that continues. A remote tropical island, what I wouldn't give.  Honestly. That is exactly what I want to do. I’m feeling things I’ve never felt before and not in a good way. When illness, death and tragedy come into our lives it’s heartbreaking. But people understand. With MLC no-one understands and neither do I. It’s such a tax on your brain trying to figure things out that it feels impossible. The first friend I told about BD3 said ‘well you need to realise you’ll need to sell your house’. That was in response to ‘I can cope if I don’t have to move house’. No one in RL would be as harsh if this was a family illness/death or tragedy. She apologised later for being harsh. She’s a good friend and sometimes you need to be told something harsh. I get that. Makes you feel more alone though at that time.

My head is going round and round in circles. I’m going to grab a shower and do my hair and make up.

Thanks for being there
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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