Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage  (Read 1633 times)

Offline Milly

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My Story Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #70 on: October 15, 2019, 12:45:22 AM »
Following, Rose. It seems you've reached a new place, a gentle, accepting, agape place. You're definitely making progress. Your H seems to be progressing himself as well, although not towards you at this stage.

What you say about whether you'll reach that happy place you had again really resonates with me. You expressed my own thoughts very well. I get comfort in reading that although you're feeling like this inside, you are growing and reaching a peaceful place. Thanks for sharing.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Treasur

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #71 on: October 15, 2019, 01:18:31 AM »
Rose, there is a different kind of happiness if only bc we are liberated from some of the feeling of limbo or MLC watching. And your nature is to look to the good so you'll find it.

It sounds as if your h thinks that (other than ow2/apartment etc) not much is going to change for him. That he will still be included in your collective family life and day to day doings and puppy walks and listening to his choir blither as he has been. Which is foolish of him but not uncommon. I suspect some of the changes you may choose to make to live your life more as an xw rather than a w may come as a bit of a shock to him. And tbh making these changes and new boundaries is part of the acceptance and adapting process for you and the kids too. His loss...I just think he thinks (as they do) that he can have everything he wants without loss, that the world spins around him and the rest of you will fall into line to make him happy. Hmmm ...not sure that is how sowing and reaping or indeed teenagers work lol.

Imho if you're standing, you need to detach more now to fit events and support your kids. And if you're not standing you need to detach more....so either way, same path.
« Last Edit: October 15, 2019, 01:19:33 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline sachat3

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #72 on: October 22, 2019, 02:18:48 AM »
Hi Rose
It’s taken me a short while to fully catch up on your thread. I must say I was shocked to hear about Ow2 but I know you suspected for a while. Somehow our guts have our backs.

I don’t really have any practical advise to offer. Just thought I would attach and send some hugs.

My children do not fully understand the concept of boyfriends girlfriends etc etc. So mine do not know about Ow. D8 has every so often seen a photo of Ow on Clingtons phone and she would singsong mock him “daddy’s got a girlfriend” but she has no concept of boyfriend girlfriends etc. But your children are older. They will understand. I think they will shock you with how much they will understand.

Sending big hugs
Me - 28
H - 35
3 children together D3 D5 D8 (D1 D4 and D6 at the time of BD)
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Maleficent

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #73 on: October 22, 2019, 04:44:43 PM »
Rose, Just checking in - thinking of you and I hope all the discussions went as well as they could have gone.  Sending Hugs.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline RosetintedglassesTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #74 on: October 23, 2019, 06:07:42 AM »
Milly, I can feel warmth and kindness coming from you and I appreciate that so much, thank you for commenting on my thread and I look forward to more! Glad you are here xx

Treasur, the fact that you said my nature was to look at the good has really meant a lot to me. I am so glad that comes across and you are so good at reading people. Yes detach more, actually that’s not as hard as it sounds given the new info. I wouldn’t say I was standing but my view is that I can’t believe where I am from 3 years ago so won’t put a label on where i’ll Be in 3 years. I’ll see what happens but I am moving forward alone and while that is sad, scary and senseless I have no other route available in my mind, so onward I go.

Sachat, thank you for catching up on my story. I think I might have been reading alongside you as have been back over my threads from 2019. Yes my gut did have my back - I love the way you wrote that! The hugs were appreciated and my thread is better having you here xx

Mal, goodness this is such a lovely place where people going through Hell just stop for a while and check in on someone taking the same path. Thanks so much for thinking of me. The discussions have passed and yes they did go as well as they could have. I will write it out in a bit more detail but it was over a week ago, we are all ok, I am DELIGHTED it is behind me and having no more lies is a huge advantage in my life. I have spent a lot of time with the children talking it through and also other fun things not to do with MLC and balanced it as well as I could. I have also told friends and family and enjoyed their support.

I’m exhausted but being kind to myself. I will post separately about how it went when I get a chance.

Rose 🌹


Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Maleficent

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #75 on: October 24, 2019, 06:03:07 AM »
Rose, I am so glad the discussions went as well as they could have. I was worried because it is tough at any age and yours are young. Glad it is behind you and you are feeling loved and supported!
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline RosetintedglassesTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #76 on: October 30, 2019, 03:53:32 AM »
Thanks Mal, I am glad it’s behind me too. I feel healthier than I was, of course my kids now don’t.

I chased H around for a week before we spoke with the children. He kept avoiding my calls, not calling back, being unavailable and breaking promises. I turned up at his parents one day to tell them to get him to talk about it and he was working from there that day so I told him I was telling the children on the Friday and we needed to talk first. He said he would, he then arranged to call at 1pm on the Thursday. At 12:30 on the Thursday S called to say he was coming home from school at 1pm. Agh. I thought by the time he gets here I will have had around ten mins with H (he had specifically said he would call me not me to call him). Of course H didn’t call. At all. I was glad I didn’t text him saying I couldn’t do it as S was there.

S wasn’t feeling well and was still off on the Friday. I decided against telling them that day as 1- S was feeling ill, 2- D had just got her school vacation so was in a happy mood 3- I hadn’t yet spoken with H 4-I wanted to put it off.

The relief I felt was huge and I decided as D was busy Sat and Sun and Mon AM that it had to be Mon PM. I couldn’t put it off after that as they wouldn’t have enough time before heading back to school to live with the news. D kept planning things though including a sleepover with her friend on Monday evening. I had to say no and remembered why it was important to get this all out.

On the Sat I dropped D off where she was going and was taking P for a walk near there. H’s parents wasn’t far away and I thought in an ideal world he would come and talk and walk. I called him but didn’t think he’d answer or want to meet. But he did answer and did say he’d meet. He was there within 10 mins. We walked around for almost an hour and agreed what to say to the children and my big issue was the house. He said again he wants a flat and as there’s no money if I can work and get money he can get a flat. He says he knows this would take time though and was ok with that. He says nothing will change just now. He said or we could sell the house. I don’t think he wants to do that but is equally not bothered if we do. I don’t like being tied to him but I also don’t want to move house if possible. So if I can get my head clear enough to focus on jobs then that’s my best route.

I told him I was telling them on Monday and he said it was best if we both did it. I didn’t hear from him on Sunday and on Monday just before 3pm I called him and he didn’t answer, I left a message saying I needed to tell them in around an hour. After 4pm I called again and he didn’t answer so I left a message saying I was needing to get this happening. He texted around 4:30 saying he was at chiropractor and would call once he was out (couldn’t he have texted before he went in?). I left it until around 5:15pm and called him again. I said I was just going to tell the children as ‘we’ had missed each other the week before (he had avoided my calls but I put it nicely) and I didn’t have that luxury this week, I needed to tell them so I was just going to do it without him. He called back saying he was five mins away and would be there, to wait on him. So I did. I sat beside D with a drink meaning when H came in we just needed to get S downstairs and we were all in position.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #77 on: October 30, 2019, 05:12:28 AM »
OK.... And?

Man, that is worse than a Seasons' End Cliffhanger.

How did the kids take the news? What DID they get told in the end (Mid-Lifers have an amazing capacity to bend the truth... )
« Last Edit: October 30, 2019, 05:20:54 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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Offline RosetintedglassesTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #78 on: October 30, 2019, 05:19:42 AM »
A ha ha UM!

Been putting it off as not got enough time to go through it all so did the lead up and next will do the chat. Got IC now so not sure if i’ll Update after that or later but will be back..!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: He’s having a mlc 7 - Courage
« Reply #79 on: October 30, 2019, 06:41:15 AM »
UM, I'm with you. I was reading and then THE END. Ha.
Hope your session goes well Rose. Fill us in when you can.

 

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