Author Topic: My Story Schrödinger's Cat in a Box  (Read 2638 times)

Online UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #90 on: October 11, 2019, 03:16:55 AM »
Quote from: Treasur
What was/is your experience of healing or how you measure your own progress or the difference between healing/healed as you see it?

For me, this question is rather a set of discrete questions, requiring discrete and differing answers/perspectives...

Starting with the last one first - the difference between healing and healed.....
I am not certain that we are ever totally "healed," if one assumes that "healed" means that one is no longer affected by the "wound." I have to say that I do not think that is either possible, nor is it realistic. Just like any major wound, this one will leave a scar, albeit one that can not be seen. However, just like a scar, the tissue that has regrown is more limited than the uninjured tissue surrounding it. The scar means that the bleeding has stopped and that there is no longer a means for dirt to enter the body/blood stream but there are subtle differences in the tissue that makes up the scar and connects it to the rest of the body. I have to believe that this is similar to how we emotionally change and grow as we heal... The bleeding is stopped but there is no way to return to the pristine, uninjured condition we previously enjoyed. We then develop other coping strategies to accommodate that lack of elasticity (for example) of the scar tissue to the point that, from an external perspective, people do not notice the scar at all... but WE do .... So healing is something we do every day for the rest of our lives, possibly subconsciously, but it is something that we do....

I feel that measuring progress is applying an artificial baseline of time to a process that is intrinsically without time. Healing takes the time that it takes. Different people heal differently, some faster, others slower.  If I were to chart my own "progress," that would be anything but objective as there is no finite measure to judge by. Rather I see it in stages. Progressing from one stage to the next is obviously progress in healing but whether it is similar to someone else's progress or to a "normalized" baseline, I doubt the veracity or validity of such a comparison... healing is again a VERY individual thing and the only measure is one's own healing progress. One could say that it one has gone through certain stages of the grief and worked through the events, that is a form of measurable progress but comparative?  Maybe not.

My personal experience with healing has been filled with potholes, backslides, forward sprints and the occasional falling flat on my nose. To me, it means that I am able to let go of my Mid-Lifer and concentrate on living my own life. It meant being able to seperate the emotions revolving around the M, the BD, the Mid-Lifer, etc., from those dealing with the new reality that was my life. Healing was about acceptance; acceptance that my old life was gone and would not ever come back, acceptance that my new life was going to be different and there would be different players, different experiences. Healing was about getting to a point where the old emotional baggage was set aside and no longer allowing it to have a prominent place in my new life where it would invariably pollute any new R. Healing was about being able to say, without a doubt, that my old life and M is truly behind me and, despite the high level of contact I have with xW due to the kids, there is NO danger of falling back into the old routine with her. not only is there no danger, there is no temptation to return to that life. It is about seeing the differences between then and now, recognizing the things that I did that were unhealthy and becoming aware of them so as NOT to do them again in the future. I mean, seriously, if we have to go through the fires of he!!, we need to make sure that we take any and all lessons given to us as part of the trip and learn from them.  I've done this twice now and I most certainly do NOT need to have it happen a third time... .
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #91 on: October 11, 2019, 04:37:15 AM »
Odd little life event. Some old friends who live out of the country texted me this morning to see if I can meet them for lunch as they are passing through London. They were 'us' friends but have NC with xh as far as I know bc he cut them out too. I have been in touch with them over the last few years but last saw them maybe in 2017. I know they love me and have nothing but good wishes for me. I love them too; they are good people.
But
I'm not the same person they used to know and like. And I am past wanting to fake it. They feel like part of my old life and friends of the old me...and we were very close...but bc I haven't seen or spoken voice to voice with them for a long time now, I feel like a stranger. God, does that even make sense? I love them but I don't want to see them bc I won't turn up as the person they liked and loved. I'm not that person anymore...I don't much always like who I am now, she's not much fun tbh even if I don't dislike her....but she is SO different from the old me and my life has been so far from normal in those missing couple of years while my friends have done normal life...kids and jobs and houses and holidays and stuff. I feel like a freak tbh.

I'm not sure what I will do. I could lie but I don't think I'm going to do that bc my old friends deserve better. I think I will try and talk to them voice to voice and try to explain - well once I work out what I am trying to explain lol. It is so much easier with people who didn't know me before all of this...

I feel a bit nuts tbh...and I feel really s$itty about it and about the fact this is how I feel. Do I need to let go of even more of the old me to recover? Idk. Feel like crying though. I liked the old me, truly I did....other people liked her, I know they did...I'm just not her now. This sucks
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 04:58:47 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Enyo

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #92 on: October 11, 2019, 05:29:50 AM »
Treasur

As my son has told me many times 'I think you are overthinking things'.  You are making assumptions of what their reaction to the new - or more true work in progress - Treasur is like and you know what they say about assumptions.

I suppose there comes a time when our old life collides with our new lives, for most of us this has happened organically as we live in the same place, we see people who knew us before and some of us still have contact, because of children, with our MLCer.

Why don't you make the trip to London you never know you may enjoy the experience.  At best you might rekindle a lovely friendship with people who are making no assumptions of who you are now - at worst someone else will be cooking your lunch and you will return home with a bit more understanding.

FWIW, you may not like some of your new (work in progress) self (not sure what you are basing this on - is this a lingering idea that you shouldn't be the way you are at the now not sure why that would be) but we on here like who you are and we are very discerning people.

Take care
Enyo X
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #93 on: October 11, 2019, 05:43:18 AM »
Treasur, I agree with Enyo- we all know you are wonderful, even though we did not know the old-Treasur.  A basic question for you-what do you fear from seeing them again? (Is it being vulnerable, that they won't like you or that they will see how you have been hurt? Genuine question as my own empathy meter is a bit faulty right now).

You and I have approached the question of healing differently- you have gone internally where as I, the introvert, have looked externally. So, I see this as a good opportunity to be with people who care about you. It would be different if they had not been in touch with you and did not know the story-those re-connections are painful.

Think of the new Treasur as one who has been repaired with the golden thread of  Kintsugi as another wiser than I posted on my thread. A golden Treasur.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #94 on: October 11, 2019, 05:59:51 AM »
For what it is worth I think you are letting your anxiety take over, and stopping you doing something that could potentially be very healing.

Perhaps if you do go you may find a piece of that person that you lost. Some small conversation or joke could be the very thing that ignites it for you.


You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #95 on: October 11, 2019, 07:14:21 AM »
Time for a GIF and a Pithy saying....



Just say "no" to monkey braining...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FIRETRUCK

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #96 on: October 11, 2019, 01:05:20 PM »
Dear Treasur,
It's natural to freeze a person in time..to remember them as they were when we last saw them, and to carry that same picture round in our heads whether or not we actually see them again. Why would you think that your friends have not changed over the last couple of years just as you have? And in so many great ways.
The fear of judgment and rejection may have served us well for a while, by helping us avoid so many potentially painful situations but, I think sometimes, fear can overpower us too, and we miss out on opportunities, new experiences and growth. Isn't that the same way we frame the MLCer's actions?
The LBS journey does draw parallels with the MLCers here - We avoid, we cut off and we make our excuses and continue to try on different hats. Not saying you should or should not go meet your friends from your past life, or that you should be driven to include them in your future - But I am saying reconnecting is not always a bad thing once you have regained your balance. It can be as positive or harmful as you want it to be. For me, starting to feel less fretful about reconnecting with more friends we had as a couple, has been having a really positive affect on me. 
Stay strong
FIRETRUCK

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #97 on: October 11, 2019, 02:23:25 PM »
I know I personally get major anxiety when I am about to see people I hadn't since before BD, or who are in constant communication with H. It triggers me for some reason even though I know those who see H won't say anything to me. And the people who "we" just knew from before, well, to be honest, it can be a little awkward.  But you are a brave soul my friend. You may decide this new version of Treasur cannot stand these people. Or maybe, she will adore them, and they her (you)  :)

Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online TreasurTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #98 on: October 11, 2019, 11:44:58 PM »
Thank you for the loving reality reminders.
Yesterday was a blip. (Ok it was a bloody huge punch in the face crying with fear and confusion blip lol). But today is clearer. And the blip was informative.
On the train today I'll set some goals and talk to my friends about meeting up. I may just not want to, I'll see. But a choice is different than a reaction from anxiety isn't it?

I woke up early this morning thinking that Beliefs are not Facts, Beliefs are just Thoughts you choose to keep thinking. And once I see them, if I don't like them, I can change them.

The blip told me that I have a bunch of thoughts which may or may not be true. That my old friends are the same and expect me to be as I was and won't like me if I'm not or want me to look like a 'success story' I feel I'm not. That whatever I am now is 'less' than who I used to be. That my xh 'won' and I 'lost' bc I wasn't strong enough to see reality and protect myself. And that I am irrecoverably different. It is just as possible that those things are not true as true actually. Or that other things are true...that my friends have missed me and just want to see my face, that I am more than I was, that I am the same in some ways and different in others. And perhaps I won't know which beliefs are facts until I test some of them out in RL. And it is ok to do what I want to do either way.

Perhaps I am just mourning the person I used to be...although she is part of what got me into the horror time too so maybe she wasn't all that and a bag of chips lol. Perhaps I am just unaccustomed to feeling loved now so it's a bit uncomfortable.

Perhaps the simple truth is that my old life and people in it were a mirror of who I used to be. And my current life is the same but I don't like the reflection so much.  :)
Perhaps it is long past time to change it....

Wrestling with your own mind monkeys is exhausting isn't it? Grrrr, upstream stuff....that funny place of not entirely embracing where you are and also not being able to change the reality of it...gah  >:(

I think I feel this way about these friends bc I haven't spoken to them in almost 2 years and bc 'we' were close friends since 2004...married peers I suppose, and they were as blindsided as I was. Lots of old emotions for all of us. Whereas I have chatted to and seen other old friends so maybe they have seen the work in progress more....

Early this morning before my trip I strolled round to my little corner shop to buy a paper for my journey. There is a lady who works there, Marion, and we often chat. It came up in conversation that it was my birthday tomorrow so she gave me a hug. And then she said that when she first met me two years ago, she could see that I was destroyed. That she used to worry about me if she didn't see me for a couple of days and wished she could help me bc she had been there. So all that time when I felt so invisible, I wasn't really. But she also said she could see how different I was now to then so my birthday was definitely worth celebrating. And you know what? Marion is right. I WAS destroyed two years ago, hanging on to life by my fingernails....and that is not where I am now at all. I don't like the fact that I was as I was then...but I am grateful as hell that I am not there now.

So, a little reminder gift from the universe in the shape of Marion's kind face along with your reminders was just the job.

Nas has started an LBS goals thread and I'll spend some time on the train working out a couple of mine bc I do have some now  :) And I like what her nephew said 'Don't stop until you feel proud'...
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 12:11:22 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Enyo

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Re: Schrödinger's Cat in a Box
« Reply #99 on: October 12, 2019, 01:34:53 AM »
Happy birthday fellow Libran - I hope you have a really wonderful day

Enyo X
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

 

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