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Author Topic: My Story 2.5 years... unwanted divorce... he’s planning a wedding

F
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Hello!  I was actually here two years ago and forgot all of my login info.  Briefly, bomb drop was 2.5 years ago.  Affair with his secretary denied for two months and then discovered at random by an outside source.  Left me and our two children the day he dropped the “I don’t love you” bomb.  I stalled and refused divorce for 18 months until our no fault law kicked in and I had to protect custody and money.  He received his divorce in January of this year.  Brought the aloe stir around our kids in March against my wishes.  His family embraces it, though they once stood with me.  My 15 year old son has been removed from his family for standing up to the alienator.  My 10 year old daughter is forced to be around her after expressing her desire not to.  And now they are planning an October wedding that was announced to me last month through our daughter. 

I did all the things.  Prayed non stop.  Let him go.  Left him alone.  Was kind... loving... but strong. 

And we are still here. 

I don’t know what else to do.

I’m hurting and bewildered that it has gone this far.
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Hope,

I can’t imagine the hurt and pain that you have right now.  So very happy you reached out to all of us.  We are here for you. 

IMHO, what you need to do now, is what you have been doing, live.  Live your life for you.  Keep moving forward, one foot in front of the other.   It is so cliche, but remember when one door closes another opens.   Put your faith in Him and allow Him to carry you through.   

Sending hugs and holding your hand. 
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I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear — Nelson Mandela

I never lose.  I either win or learn! - Nelson Mandela

For we have fallen from our shelves, To face the truth about ourselves.  "The Gift", Annie Lennox

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do."  Eleanor Roosevelt

"Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose." Yoda

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I'm so sorry, Hope, that you are facing this newest BD. 

If you stick around here long enough I think you'll find that there are many here who did (or are doing) just what you did:

pray non-stop, let them go, left them alone, be kind, be loving, but strong......etc. etc.

But like you are finding out.....it doesn't seem to matter.   They do what they do, regardless of what we do. 

You will find support, encouragement and wisdom here.  We are here to support you. 

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BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

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I'm so sorry, Hope, that you are facing this newest BD. 

If you stick around here long enough I think you'll find that there are many here who did (or are doing) just what you did:

pray non-stop, let them go, left them alone, be kind, be loving, but strong......etc. etc.

But like you are finding out.....it doesn't seem to matter.   They do what they do, regardless of what we do. 

You will find support, encouragement and wisdom here.  We are here to support you.

SB is sadly quite right.
Not everyone here agrees, but I believe that nothing we do or don't do makes any difference at all to the path they take. Their path is shaped by other things unseen by us.
There is a point of almost despair, of hopelessness, that comes to most LBS when we really see that. Not an easy place to be and I am sorry that you have hit it.
But
There are positives in it too even though it probably doesn't feel like it.
It is a big loud reminder that his crisis and choices were never about you at all, just about him.
And you are not responsible for anything in which you had no voice, no vote and no control.
But the things you DID do - prayer, letting them go, finding strength, choosing a loving spirit over a vengeful one - these are all things that have made and will continue to make a real difference to the life of you and your kids.

Imho letting go has many layers.
Each one comes with a mixture of grief and freedom...but it is not easy we know.
I am one of the folks here whose h speedily remarried ow and it was surreal and painful. But also a bit of liberation from half hopes and expectations too perhaps.

You have survived the last 2.5 years and truthfully the worst of it. You will be ok and you will survive this too, my friend. MLC trumps divorce unfortunately but you can build a post-MLC life too.

On a practical level, do you have some kind of IC so you have a safe supportive place to figure out how to adapt and heal?
And it sounds as if there are some challenges around how to support your kids as they adapt too? Others wiser than me will be able to share their experience of this, so keep posting. Tell us more about what you feel you need to cope, adapt and move forward.
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« Last Edit: September 23, 2019, 02:30:58 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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