Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 15  (Read 2571 times)

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2541
  • Gender: Female
My Story Beauty into Beast 15
« on: September 24, 2019, 11:28:38 AM »
Previous thread. https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11049.160

Starting this for everyone who wants to comment on my last post etc. Nothing else to post today but the thread police are after me so I need to bail out!  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Airmid

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4149
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2019, 11:35:26 AM »
Morte's last post....

Hardest post I have had to write. Please be warned I am going to be completely honest, and I am sorry if what I write hurts anyone as that is never my intention. But this is my truth as I see it and I hope it maybe helps someone else one day.



I went away to Tuscany hoping that when I came back I would have answers. As you can tell from my previous posts I have been dancing on the done fence for some time. Back and forth.. Falling off to one side then climbing back up to think some more. ''LBS Cycling'' ::)

I could feel that it was starting to land on one side more than the other though. It was getting harder to find reasons to climb back up. Perhaps I forgot to see it from one more perspective? Perhaps the fact he remember x, y, z meant something different? Perhaps I missed something? What was I missing?

All the while I could feel the emotional deletion happening. Protection. My body had already started the process to protect itself from the past. I knew this was coming. It was getting harder and harder to stop the process. Harder to keep holding on to the love or whatever. Harder to even want to try.

So maybe this trip to Tuscany held the key. Some little thing that would be said or felt. Some hint as to what I should do. Where I should go. How I should feel. What should keep me sitting on the fence?

I listened as these beautiful LBS told their stories. Stories of pain, and love, and an undying loyalty to a person who was betraying them. Such enormous amounts of forgiveness, and hope, and love. Yet while I admired them all for the unique qualities they each possessed, for their unwavering loyalty and faith that things would turn out okay...I questioned my path even more.

I wondered to myself, even if this all 'blows over' and Beast does come back...

What words can he say to take the scar away? What promises can he make that will make me feel safe again?

The answer of course is nothing. There is nothing he can say that will take the scar away. It will always be there in the back of my mind. Whispering to me over every dinner out. Every movie and show. Did he do this with her? Did he watch her as she laughed at this bit? Is he thinking of her right now as he sits with me? Does he regret coming home? The whisper that would never stop.

Sure maybe it get's better with time. Maybe you learn to ignore it. Heck you might even get super successful at silencing it....but there will be times when it comes back. It will always come back.

As for believing promises from the one I love? Well that is probably going to be pretty impossible for both Beast or any new person in my life. That is the curse of being burned like this. Distrust placed upon the undeserving for fear of being hurt. But I reckon it would be much easier to trust a person who has not hurt you, than to trust someone you knew so intimately who hit you so hard out of the blue.

The strangest thing happened that I did not expect in Tuscany. I felt safe. I have not felt emotionally safe in a very very long time. These people who were 'strangers' yet not strange at all. People who had similar pain and who listened without judgement. Who want to help and support you. And stories I never ever intended to share just sorta came out at times I didn't expect. Things I have not looked at for years. I suppose what this taught me is that there will be another person that I can feel close to, that I can feel safe with, that I can be vulnerable and share things with. I questioned for a long time if it would be possible for me again, yet here it was happening before my eyes.

Sure those kinds of people are rare. They are the unicorns hidden among the horses parading around with cones taped to their heads. :P Yet here I was in a place I had never been, surrounded by beautiful unicorns....and these unicorns would go back to their sea of cone headed horses and feel alone again. But they are out there.

So I started to think beyond that. Let's assume that Beast managed to come back, managed to say the magical words to somewhat heal the scar, managed to make me trust him again... what then?

What constitutes a man in my eyes? What is it that I need or want at this point?

For me I would say things like a provider, a protector... a man who will fight for his family. Someone who is honest and you can trust without a shadow of doubt.. who would rather tell you the truth and face the consequences then give you a song and dance with lies of omission. Someone as loyal as I am, and as supportive in all the ways a partner should be. Someone who has drive and ambition, someone with a passion, someone who is a little spontaneous and adventurous. Someone who is not afraid to live life. Someone kind to other's.

Of course we know that Beast can not be any of those things now. He is basically a self centred spoiled man child, that would probably sell one of the kids off for the next gaming console that get's released. :o



What about before? Was he these things before? Could he be these things again?

Before he was entertaining, he was funny, he made me laugh and we told each other everything. That has not and would likely never change. He was a 'loveable idiot' and would return to that I think. But was he all the other things I need (or would like) now?

He did provide financially for us, so I can make no complaints in that department. It was never much or extravagant but he tried. I imagine if he came back then he would still try to provide for us, one way or another. Sure he would rather buy himself a game, than the kids some item...which made him a little selfish but we had the things we really needed. Food in our bellies, a roof over our head, warm clothes in the winter. So I honestly can not fault him in this department.

A protector? No. He was not that. In fact he used to joke if we were ever to get mugged that he would run for help. He thought it was funny. Deep down I knew it was true. No, he was never my protector. I wasn't even 100% sure if he would protect our children if I am honest. I can even remember a few times when he would take a strop with me, and leave me at the side of the road and storm off. I was about 18-20 years old, in a new country, knew no one...and he did this several times. Sometimes he felt guilty and came back, other times I had to make my way back on my own.

And then when the time did come to fight for his family, all he had was that ''he didn't have the energy'' as he slumped down the kitchen counters. That was a huge moment in time for me, and I lose a massive about of respect for him as a man. I can not respect a man who does not fight for his family. I just can't. I am not convinced this is something that would ever change.

Honesty was another big thing. Sure if he said he would be home for dinner he would be there, so he was reliable in a way....but honest? No. He liked to tell his tall tales, and was a frequent user of lies of omission. Most of them didn't matter, and I knew he was lying, yet still he would lie. I believe this is just part of his programming. Avoiding conflict. It will never change.

Loyalty. Ah the big one. Well Beast was loyal.. until he wasn't. And when he wasn't it was a catastrophic breach of loyalty. Go big or go home apparently is his motto here.  ::) It would take a long long time to convince me of his loyalty again, and then the fear that it would be breached again in such a destructive way...would make it almost impossible to build completely. A man should want to move mountains for the one he loves. I know I would have moved a mountain for him, bucket by bucket...years by year if that is what it took. But I reckon he wouldn't have been bothered after the first few loads were done. It would be to much effort.

Supportive. Besides financially, was he ever supportive? Hmm this is a complex issue.

Emotional support was always lacking. I grew up without it, so managed okay without it in the years that followed. There was less abuse and violence and such so in fact it basically felt a lot like I didn't need emotional support any more. It only became apparent as the years went on and my father passed, and there were some scares with the children....how utterly useless he is in this department. I can remember sitting in the hallway about 6 months pregnant...and I was painting the trim. My dad was in a bad way (just before he passed), and it brought up a lot of mixed emotions. About things I went through as a child, part of you glad they are suffering for what they did, then questioning if that is right because in the end they are still your father and you love them...at any rate I was so very very upset. I reckon it must have been a form of grief wrapped up with a nice dose of pregnancy hormones. I know he heard me crying but in the moment I knew I would not get any form of empathy from him. He wouldn't know what to do, so he would just sit upstairs and pretend to not hear me. And that made me even more upset. This must have went on for about 30 minutes as the paintbrush lay staining the floor. He didn't shout down, he didn't come check on me, he just acted oblivious to the whole thing. So what did that teach me? To hide all that stuff, even from my husband, because ''he isn't good at handling that stuff''. And if I did it in the room with him he would either give you the patting hug, or get annoyed and angry because he had no idea what to do. I do not think this would be something that would change, because it was never there. I do not think it is his fault, I think it is because of how he grew up....but I don't think it can be healed either.

There were other things that I needed that got put on the back burner. Things he deemed unimportant, so I submitted to keep the peace. I saw other people do these things, but wrote it off. Perhaps I was just to needy, perhaps this is how it goes after years together. After all I had endured worse. My life was good. We are happy.

There were things I wanted to do, but I wasn't allowed to. Sure I could have gone out and done it anyway...but his anxiety and fear would have meant fights. I didn't want fights. I wanted us to be happy.

But it turns out that perhaps we weren't happy. Perhaps I was happy, because I have this ability to just find my own happiness in anything. Over the years I had diluted myself, and bent, and gave up parts that I needed. I sculpted myself into the smaller, less fiery, less vibrant person than who I was to please him and keep him happy. Yet I convinced myself I was happy because life was so much better now than before. But let's be honest...almost anything would have been.

It wasn't until after BD that I realised I almost didn't even recognise me any more. Who was this person laying on the floor wanting to literally die because of a man who decided to walk away? How had it come to be that he had so much emotional power over me? How had I become so weak? Of all the things in my life weak was never a descriptor of me. Yet here I was, covered in snot, begging to die....just because the man I loved walked out? I think in that moment was when the anger took over. Anger at him for what he did, anger he had betrayed me after I trusted him, and anger at myself for letting someone take so much control over me.

At any rate, since BD has been a huge eye opening experience. Questioning and piecing together the past. Looking at it from every angle possible. Was he just a cheating dirt bag who left? Was it MLC? Has he always just been a firetrucking nut case? On and on. I looked at the whole picture from every single view point. What it meant for him. What it meant for me. Round and round and round...until eventually I knew without a shadow of a doubt the ins and outs of the story. How complicated and interlaced it was.

How I could both love him with all my heart, yet be caged from who I really was. How I could be both happy in my life, yet starving parts of who I truly am. After all that is what I have done since I was born. Bend and flex and change to fit the needs of those around me. Hide my emotions and feelings behind a wall of ice, and make jokes and laugh as the pain digs inside. I love my mother and father because they hold those titles, but I also hate them each in their own way for their failings. Over time I came to forgive and try to see it from their side, I tried to keep up some form of relationship. I had a responsibility to be the forgiving daughter...but there was always that little bit inside. The piece that still remembered. The side that could not forget. The side that could never truly love them again. And so I know very well how complicated love and hate, and honour, and respect...and responsibility can be.

What is left? A man riddled with anxiety and fear about life. A trait that squashed down my deepest desires for adventure and fun. Sure I was happy to give that up before to make him happy, but...it was denying a part of myself that was always there. The starving wolf locked inside a cage. It is a wonder that I wasn't the one to break first. Could I do that again? Could I bend and change and starve the real me...to make someone else happy?

I don't think I could. Once you see it all, you can not unsee it.

I know I loved Beast passionately and fiercely with everything I had inside of me. But I also had to sacrifice who I was to do it. And I did it of my own free will. And it turns out that it didn't work out how I had hoped. But I can not blame anyone but myself.

Yet at the same time Beast is a man who could not see that he had the most priceless gift in the world. A life so beautiful that money can not buy. Three beautiful healthy kids, a wife who adored him, hugs as he came home from work, and dinner on the table. He was willing to throw it away, without a second thought. Without a fight. Without even a good explanation why.

So it is with a heavy heart I have to say that it is time for me to wrap up an old chapter and start a new one. My childhood went into book number one. My time with Beast went into book number two. Now it is time for book number three.

I will continue to wear my scar, and I can remember all the good and all the love I had for a man who probably didn't deserve it. But that love is gone now, and he has no one to blame but himself. I can no longer live in limbo. I can no longer wait endlessly for the next chapter.

My head and my heart are both on the same page now, and they both tell me it is time to start an entirely new book.

A book that is about getting me and my life sorted out. A book about love and adventures with my children. 

A book that may or may not lead into a new love story....with a new person. A person worthy of the love of a good honest loyal woman, not one of a woman accepting the scraps of love given by a selfish manchild. Someone to do silly things with that don't even make sense as adults, just to laugh and say we did it.  Someone who wants to make you smile, or hear you laugh.. who sends a random text in the day, that makes you grin ear to ear. Someone to grab the side of your face and kiss you passionately when you least expect it. Someone who talks to you and actually remembers what you say, who wants to know everything about you...and secretly stares at you when you aren't looking. A man spontaneous enough to surprise you with a date you don't expect, but predictable enough to know he will be home for dinner.

That is what I want, and that is what Beast will never be.

So I guess it is time to find my unicorn.  :)

Recopied for continuity

Online Dumbfounded

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2019, 01:28:11 PM »
Attaching....  ;D
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline barbiedoll

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2146
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2019, 06:31:46 PM »
Quote
The answer of course is nothing. There is nothing he can say that will take the scar away. It will always be there in the back of my mind. Whispering to me over every dinner out. Every movie and show. Did he do this with her? Did he watch her as she laughed at this bit? Is he thinking of her right now as he sits with me? Does he regret coming home? The whisper that would never stop.
.

Nothing will ever take the scar away. Nothing. Ever. I believe this to be true for me and perhaps for many LBS. I have read from time to time stories from women that have been betrayed that say " I am completely healed, I never think about it and I have utterly forgiven my husband". I don't believe them for 1 second. It is entwined in our history , forever. I think about it every single day. EVERY day . And I have for over 5 years. I do not sob my heart out anymore ...unless it is a really bad day. But it is always there. The mistake I made for a very long time was believing or expecting HE would be responsible to fix MY pain. To heal me. To say the "right" thing that would help me. I was wrong . My healing has very little to do with him.

Yes. I have many "whisper-triggers" ...every day. That is the truth. I "wonder" everyday if he is sorry he returned ( this has been HARD), does he think of "her" when we have sex?  Is there a comparison?  Does he wish he was somewhere else? Millions of thoughts. Even today. He was talking to someone about a movie he saw. He said to me " It was a great movie wasn't it?". I have no memory . It was likely a movie he saw with "her". Maybe . Its a haunting that does diminish ...but it is never gone. I no longer say anything out loud...I used to tell him , cry and feel like I was mentally ill. Could not escape the endless whispers. Now I handle them internally, by myself and just let the thoughts float by ...and disappear. But they will never be gone. This is by far the hardest most excruciating thing...to overcome infidelity ( MLC or not). I am not at all sure I would choose this road if I had a do-over.

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2541
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2019, 02:26:33 AM »
I got to say I spent two days writing out what I wanted to say. Trying to illustrate all the details and get my point across. I was scared to post it. Scared to express how I truly felt. In fact I posted it to the site and then was to nervous to read the reaction for some time. :-[

I know my decision was not what a lot of people would choose, and not the aim of this website after all.

But I have to say I am pleasantly surprised. Not one bad message, tons of messages of support and acknowledgement. I am truly grateful that you have all taken the time to read and understand me. It really has touched me to feel so validated in my choice. :-*


Ursa- Sorry to make the big bear cry, but happy you found some sort of...similarity in what you experience. And you are very right, some of those damn horses look so much like Unicorns...until they spear you with their fake ass cone. :o

Serenity, Anon, and Thunder- Sorry for the tears, but thanks for the support.  :D

Helping- He already is the loser.  8)

Hero- My legs aren't sore, but man toe sure is! Lol

Whyus- Thank you. I think that is part of the conclusion isn't it. Some people can forgive and move on and rebuild. I was never sure I am that person, not after something so big, for so long. It's not like he just lied about something small or something.  ::)

Airmid- that is a nice illustration thank you for sharing it with me.

Maleficent, Dcd, Finding Joy, Treasur- Thanks again for all your well wishes, they really mean a lot.

One day- I do not feel like a switch flipped for me. It felt more like a slow deletion. Every day it affected me less and less, every day I lost feelings for him. Sometimes something happened and maybe a few sentences were un-deleted...but over time...more and more is gone...and there is just nothing left. Nothing worth holding on to. The plot is no longer what I want to write about.

Honestly with that at first is a sense of failure. Have I failed to be strong enough to stand for years and years for a chance? Maybe. Or maybe the sweeping feeling of a weight suddenly being off my shoulders...is the feeling of freedom.

I am to weak to stand for a man who no longer loves me, who treats me like crap, who abandoned his wife and children. But I am strong enough to set myself free into the great unknown. Both options have strengths, and weaknesses, but they are measured in very different ways. Neither better or worse than the other, just different.

Standing. Standing is a word that implies stillness. I was never still, as most vets say ''Standing but not still, keep moving forward''. But I am impatient, I am fiery, I am passionate, and I am driven...there was only ever going to be so long that I could stand...or anything even similar to standing before I knew I would lose interest and move on with my life. I never knew quiet when it would happen, and to be fair 2 years of waiting around is actually pretty impressive for me! I am an Aries after all.  :P

Dumfounded- I love what you said about him throwing the stone into the Ocean. It isn't my responsibility to chase the clumsy idiot. There are plenty of people swimming in the ocean that can see me for what I am. One day someone will find me and pick me up, and never dream of letting go.  ;D

Barbie- Yes the dark whisper in the back of the mind. I knew it would be there within myself, and so many many stories of reconciliation and connection where the LBS still suffer that voice. Still have lost their confidence, still question and wonder and worry. It is real? Will it happen again? Is he staring at her? Is his new co-worker the next OW? I can and have imagined how absolutely horrible it would be. Could it get better? Probably...you would know much better than I. :)

It would take an enormous amount of forgiveness and internal strength...and if I am 100% honest. I just can't.

I think I knew that long ago when I said my line was when it became physical. I knew that the whispers would never stop. I tried not to look at it, not to assess how I felt, after all there was so much other nasty things to look at. If I was strong enough, or waited long enough or blah blah blah. Maybe I could figure out how to erase it from my mind. But the reality is...I can't. And the prospect of living with that whisper every time I look at him?

I have had enough bad $h!te in my life. I do not want to live in this for the rest of it. We had our good times, and then we had our bad times. But I do not want to suffer like that with him. Personally I find it easier to forget about the bad things in my life, and move on to something new.

I appreciate that is a very individual choice, and I have a deep deep respect for those who choose to face it.

But lovely Barbie, and all the other LBS out there, who are suffering through this dark whispering of doubt, I truly deeply hope that one day...that voice is silenced for you too. Because if anyone deserves happiness...it is the people on this site.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8539
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2019, 02:48:42 AM »
Out of interest (and wanting to support you), Morte - and I applaud your honesty about what you can and can't do bc that is healthy and realistic for you - have your reflections brought you to any specific next steps you are ready to take? Or are you still working the practicalities out? (Which would be understandable given your situation and three kids).
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 21995
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2019, 05:10:23 AM »
You should never be afraid of us, Mort.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Dumbfounded

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2706
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2019, 05:17:29 AM »
I spent time with my MLC brother this summer who has returned home and they are attempting to reconcile. I watched first hand the dark whispers torment my SIL. It is a painful thing to witness and it made me even more sure of my decision to end my stand. I am not strong enough to withstand the dark whispers. They would consume me from the inside out. And that decision did feel like a failure to me for quite some time.  I stand in awe of those choose to fight them like my SIL.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline heroIam

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1953
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2019, 06:26:41 AM »
Hi Morte,
I'm following along.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 419
  • Gender: Female
Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2019, 06:31:54 AM »
Attaching Morte. 

Quote
Yes the dark whisper in the back of the mind. I knew it would be there within myself, and so many many stories of reconciliation and connection where the LBS still suffer that voice. Still have lost their confidence, still question and wonder and worry. It is real? Will it happen again? Is he staring at her? Is his new co-worker the next OW? I can and have imagined how absolutely horrible it would be. Could it get better?

This whisper is what I am facing head on right now and I have to say this has been one of the hardest things I've faced so far in this journey.  I'm looking for the answers myself. 

Your writing is clear and beautiful.  Thanks for putting into words the feelings that many of us face.  I wish you nothing but the best in your new chapter. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.