Author Topic: My Story Beauty into Beast 15  (Read 2568 times)

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Beauty into Beast 15
« on: September 24, 2019, 11:28:38 AM »
Previous thread. https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11049.160

Starting this for everyone who wants to comment on my last post etc. Nothing else to post today but the thread police are after me so I need to bail out!  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2019, 11:35:26 AM »
Morte's last post....

Hardest post I have had to write. Please be warned I am going to be completely honest, and I am sorry if what I write hurts anyone as that is never my intention. But this is my truth as I see it and I hope it maybe helps someone else one day.



I went away to Tuscany hoping that when I came back I would have answers. As you can tell from my previous posts I have been dancing on the done fence for some time. Back and forth.. Falling off to one side then climbing back up to think some more. ''LBS Cycling'' ::)

I could feel that it was starting to land on one side more than the other though. It was getting harder to find reasons to climb back up. Perhaps I forgot to see it from one more perspective? Perhaps the fact he remember x, y, z meant something different? Perhaps I missed something? What was I missing?

All the while I could feel the emotional deletion happening. Protection. My body had already started the process to protect itself from the past. I knew this was coming. It was getting harder and harder to stop the process. Harder to keep holding on to the love or whatever. Harder to even want to try.

So maybe this trip to Tuscany held the key. Some little thing that would be said or felt. Some hint as to what I should do. Where I should go. How I should feel. What should keep me sitting on the fence?

I listened as these beautiful LBS told their stories. Stories of pain, and love, and an undying loyalty to a person who was betraying them. Such enormous amounts of forgiveness, and hope, and love. Yet while I admired them all for the unique qualities they each possessed, for their unwavering loyalty and faith that things would turn out okay...I questioned my path even more.

I wondered to myself, even if this all 'blows over' and Beast does come back...

What words can he say to take the scar away? What promises can he make that will make me feel safe again?

The answer of course is nothing. There is nothing he can say that will take the scar away. It will always be there in the back of my mind. Whispering to me over every dinner out. Every movie and show. Did he do this with her? Did he watch her as she laughed at this bit? Is he thinking of her right now as he sits with me? Does he regret coming home? The whisper that would never stop.

Sure maybe it get's better with time. Maybe you learn to ignore it. Heck you might even get super successful at silencing it....but there will be times when it comes back. It will always come back.

As for believing promises from the one I love? Well that is probably going to be pretty impossible for both Beast or any new person in my life. That is the curse of being burned like this. Distrust placed upon the undeserving for fear of being hurt. But I reckon it would be much easier to trust a person who has not hurt you, than to trust someone you knew so intimately who hit you so hard out of the blue.

The strangest thing happened that I did not expect in Tuscany. I felt safe. I have not felt emotionally safe in a very very long time. These people who were 'strangers' yet not strange at all. People who had similar pain and who listened without judgement. Who want to help and support you. And stories I never ever intended to share just sorta came out at times I didn't expect. Things I have not looked at for years. I suppose what this taught me is that there will be another person that I can feel close to, that I can feel safe with, that I can be vulnerable and share things with. I questioned for a long time if it would be possible for me again, yet here it was happening before my eyes.

Sure those kinds of people are rare. They are the unicorns hidden among the horses parading around with cones taped to their heads. :P Yet here I was in a place I had never been, surrounded by beautiful unicorns....and these unicorns would go back to their sea of cone headed horses and feel alone again. But they are out there.

So I started to think beyond that. Let's assume that Beast managed to come back, managed to say the magical words to somewhat heal the scar, managed to make me trust him again... what then?

What constitutes a man in my eyes? What is it that I need or want at this point?

For me I would say things like a provider, a protector... a man who will fight for his family. Someone who is honest and you can trust without a shadow of doubt.. who would rather tell you the truth and face the consequences then give you a song and dance with lies of omission. Someone as loyal as I am, and as supportive in all the ways a partner should be. Someone who has drive and ambition, someone with a passion, someone who is a little spontaneous and adventurous. Someone who is not afraid to live life. Someone kind to other's.

Of course we know that Beast can not be any of those things now. He is basically a self centred spoiled man child, that would probably sell one of the kids off for the next gaming console that get's released. :o



What about before? Was he these things before? Could he be these things again?

Before he was entertaining, he was funny, he made me laugh and we told each other everything. That has not and would likely never change. He was a 'loveable idiot' and would return to that I think. But was he all the other things I need (or would like) now?

He did provide financially for us, so I can make no complaints in that department. It was never much or extravagant but he tried. I imagine if he came back then he would still try to provide for us, one way or another. Sure he would rather buy himself a game, than the kids some item...which made him a little selfish but we had the things we really needed. Food in our bellies, a roof over our head, warm clothes in the winter. So I honestly can not fault him in this department.

A protector? No. He was not that. In fact he used to joke if we were ever to get mugged that he would run for help. He thought it was funny. Deep down I knew it was true. No, he was never my protector. I wasn't even 100% sure if he would protect our children if I am honest. I can even remember a few times when he would take a strop with me, and leave me at the side of the road and storm off. I was about 18-20 years old, in a new country, knew no one...and he did this several times. Sometimes he felt guilty and came back, other times I had to make my way back on my own.

And then when the time did come to fight for his family, all he had was that ''he didn't have the energy'' as he slumped down the kitchen counters. That was a huge moment in time for me, and I lose a massive about of respect for him as a man. I can not respect a man who does not fight for his family. I just can't. I am not convinced this is something that would ever change.

Honesty was another big thing. Sure if he said he would be home for dinner he would be there, so he was reliable in a way....but honest? No. He liked to tell his tall tales, and was a frequent user of lies of omission. Most of them didn't matter, and I knew he was lying, yet still he would lie. I believe this is just part of his programming. Avoiding conflict. It will never change.

Loyalty. Ah the big one. Well Beast was loyal.. until he wasn't. And when he wasn't it was a catastrophic breach of loyalty. Go big or go home apparently is his motto here.  ::) It would take a long long time to convince me of his loyalty again, and then the fear that it would be breached again in such a destructive way...would make it almost impossible to build completely. A man should want to move mountains for the one he loves. I know I would have moved a mountain for him, bucket by bucket...years by year if that is what it took. But I reckon he wouldn't have been bothered after the first few loads were done. It would be to much effort.

Supportive. Besides financially, was he ever supportive? Hmm this is a complex issue.

Emotional support was always lacking. I grew up without it, so managed okay without it in the years that followed. There was less abuse and violence and such so in fact it basically felt a lot like I didn't need emotional support any more. It only became apparent as the years went on and my father passed, and there were some scares with the children....how utterly useless he is in this department. I can remember sitting in the hallway about 6 months pregnant...and I was painting the trim. My dad was in a bad way (just before he passed), and it brought up a lot of mixed emotions. About things I went through as a child, part of you glad they are suffering for what they did, then questioning if that is right because in the end they are still your father and you love them...at any rate I was so very very upset. I reckon it must have been a form of grief wrapped up with a nice dose of pregnancy hormones. I know he heard me crying but in the moment I knew I would not get any form of empathy from him. He wouldn't know what to do, so he would just sit upstairs and pretend to not hear me. And that made me even more upset. This must have went on for about 30 minutes as the paintbrush lay staining the floor. He didn't shout down, he didn't come check on me, he just acted oblivious to the whole thing. So what did that teach me? To hide all that stuff, even from my husband, because ''he isn't good at handling that stuff''. And if I did it in the room with him he would either give you the patting hug, or get annoyed and angry because he had no idea what to do. I do not think this would be something that would change, because it was never there. I do not think it is his fault, I think it is because of how he grew up....but I don't think it can be healed either.

There were other things that I needed that got put on the back burner. Things he deemed unimportant, so I submitted to keep the peace. I saw other people do these things, but wrote it off. Perhaps I was just to needy, perhaps this is how it goes after years together. After all I had endured worse. My life was good. We are happy.

There were things I wanted to do, but I wasn't allowed to. Sure I could have gone out and done it anyway...but his anxiety and fear would have meant fights. I didn't want fights. I wanted us to be happy.

But it turns out that perhaps we weren't happy. Perhaps I was happy, because I have this ability to just find my own happiness in anything. Over the years I had diluted myself, and bent, and gave up parts that I needed. I sculpted myself into the smaller, less fiery, less vibrant person than who I was to please him and keep him happy. Yet I convinced myself I was happy because life was so much better now than before. But let's be honest...almost anything would have been.

It wasn't until after BD that I realised I almost didn't even recognise me any more. Who was this person laying on the floor wanting to literally die because of a man who decided to walk away? How had it come to be that he had so much emotional power over me? How had I become so weak? Of all the things in my life weak was never a descriptor of me. Yet here I was, covered in snot, begging to die....just because the man I loved walked out? I think in that moment was when the anger took over. Anger at him for what he did, anger he had betrayed me after I trusted him, and anger at myself for letting someone take so much control over me.

At any rate, since BD has been a huge eye opening experience. Questioning and piecing together the past. Looking at it from every angle possible. Was he just a cheating dirt bag who left? Was it MLC? Has he always just been a firetrucking nut case? On and on. I looked at the whole picture from every single view point. What it meant for him. What it meant for me. Round and round and round...until eventually I knew without a shadow of a doubt the ins and outs of the story. How complicated and interlaced it was.

How I could both love him with all my heart, yet be caged from who I really was. How I could be both happy in my life, yet starving parts of who I truly am. After all that is what I have done since I was born. Bend and flex and change to fit the needs of those around me. Hide my emotions and feelings behind a wall of ice, and make jokes and laugh as the pain digs inside. I love my mother and father because they hold those titles, but I also hate them each in their own way for their failings. Over time I came to forgive and try to see it from their side, I tried to keep up some form of relationship. I had a responsibility to be the forgiving daughter...but there was always that little bit inside. The piece that still remembered. The side that could not forget. The side that could never truly love them again. And so I know very well how complicated love and hate, and honour, and respect...and responsibility can be.

What is left? A man riddled with anxiety and fear about life. A trait that squashed down my deepest desires for adventure and fun. Sure I was happy to give that up before to make him happy, but...it was denying a part of myself that was always there. The starving wolf locked inside a cage. It is a wonder that I wasn't the one to break first. Could I do that again? Could I bend and change and starve the real me...to make someone else happy?

I don't think I could. Once you see it all, you can not unsee it.

I know I loved Beast passionately and fiercely with everything I had inside of me. But I also had to sacrifice who I was to do it. And I did it of my own free will. And it turns out that it didn't work out how I had hoped. But I can not blame anyone but myself.

Yet at the same time Beast is a man who could not see that he had the most priceless gift in the world. A life so beautiful that money can not buy. Three beautiful healthy kids, a wife who adored him, hugs as he came home from work, and dinner on the table. He was willing to throw it away, without a second thought. Without a fight. Without even a good explanation why.

So it is with a heavy heart I have to say that it is time for me to wrap up an old chapter and start a new one. My childhood went into book number one. My time with Beast went into book number two. Now it is time for book number three.

I will continue to wear my scar, and I can remember all the good and all the love I had for a man who probably didn't deserve it. But that love is gone now, and he has no one to blame but himself. I can no longer live in limbo. I can no longer wait endlessly for the next chapter.

My head and my heart are both on the same page now, and they both tell me it is time to start an entirely new book.

A book that is about getting me and my life sorted out. A book about love and adventures with my children. 

A book that may or may not lead into a new love story....with a new person. A person worthy of the love of a good honest loyal woman, not one of a woman accepting the scraps of love given by a selfish manchild. Someone to do silly things with that don't even make sense as adults, just to laugh and say we did it.  Someone who wants to make you smile, or hear you laugh.. who sends a random text in the day, that makes you grin ear to ear. Someone to grab the side of your face and kiss you passionately when you least expect it. Someone who talks to you and actually remembers what you say, who wants to know everything about you...and secretly stares at you when you aren't looking. A man spontaneous enough to surprise you with a date you don't expect, but predictable enough to know he will be home for dinner.

That is what I want, and that is what Beast will never be.

So I guess it is time to find my unicorn.  :)

Recopied for continuity

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2019, 01:28:11 PM »
Attaching....  ;D
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2019, 06:31:46 PM »
Quote
The answer of course is nothing. There is nothing he can say that will take the scar away. It will always be there in the back of my mind. Whispering to me over every dinner out. Every movie and show. Did he do this with her? Did he watch her as she laughed at this bit? Is he thinking of her right now as he sits with me? Does he regret coming home? The whisper that would never stop.
.

Nothing will ever take the scar away. Nothing. Ever. I believe this to be true for me and perhaps for many LBS. I have read from time to time stories from women that have been betrayed that say " I am completely healed, I never think about it and I have utterly forgiven my husband". I don't believe them for 1 second. It is entwined in our history , forever. I think about it every single day. EVERY day . And I have for over 5 years. I do not sob my heart out anymore ...unless it is a really bad day. But it is always there. The mistake I made for a very long time was believing or expecting HE would be responsible to fix MY pain. To heal me. To say the "right" thing that would help me. I was wrong . My healing has very little to do with him.

Yes. I have many "whisper-triggers" ...every day. That is the truth. I "wonder" everyday if he is sorry he returned ( this has been HARD), does he think of "her" when we have sex?  Is there a comparison?  Does he wish he was somewhere else? Millions of thoughts. Even today. He was talking to someone about a movie he saw. He said to me " It was a great movie wasn't it?". I have no memory . It was likely a movie he saw with "her". Maybe . Its a haunting that does diminish ...but it is never gone. I no longer say anything out loud...I used to tell him , cry and feel like I was mentally ill. Could not escape the endless whispers. Now I handle them internally, by myself and just let the thoughts float by ...and disappear. But they will never be gone. This is by far the hardest most excruciating thing...to overcome infidelity ( MLC or not). I am not at all sure I would choose this road if I had a do-over.

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #4 on: September 25, 2019, 02:26:33 AM »
I got to say I spent two days writing out what I wanted to say. Trying to illustrate all the details and get my point across. I was scared to post it. Scared to express how I truly felt. In fact I posted it to the site and then was to nervous to read the reaction for some time. :-[

I know my decision was not what a lot of people would choose, and not the aim of this website after all.

But I have to say I am pleasantly surprised. Not one bad message, tons of messages of support and acknowledgement. I am truly grateful that you have all taken the time to read and understand me. It really has touched me to feel so validated in my choice. :-*


Ursa- Sorry to make the big bear cry, but happy you found some sort of...similarity in what you experience. And you are very right, some of those damn horses look so much like Unicorns...until they spear you with their fake ass cone. :o

Serenity, Anon, and Thunder- Sorry for the tears, but thanks for the support.  :D

Helping- He already is the loser.  8)

Hero- My legs aren't sore, but man toe sure is! Lol

Whyus- Thank you. I think that is part of the conclusion isn't it. Some people can forgive and move on and rebuild. I was never sure I am that person, not after something so big, for so long. It's not like he just lied about something small or something.  ::)

Airmid- that is a nice illustration thank you for sharing it with me.

Maleficent, Dcd, Finding Joy, Treasur- Thanks again for all your well wishes, they really mean a lot.

One day- I do not feel like a switch flipped for me. It felt more like a slow deletion. Every day it affected me less and less, every day I lost feelings for him. Sometimes something happened and maybe a few sentences were un-deleted...but over time...more and more is gone...and there is just nothing left. Nothing worth holding on to. The plot is no longer what I want to write about.

Honestly with that at first is a sense of failure. Have I failed to be strong enough to stand for years and years for a chance? Maybe. Or maybe the sweeping feeling of a weight suddenly being off my shoulders...is the feeling of freedom.

I am to weak to stand for a man who no longer loves me, who treats me like crap, who abandoned his wife and children. But I am strong enough to set myself free into the great unknown. Both options have strengths, and weaknesses, but they are measured in very different ways. Neither better or worse than the other, just different.

Standing. Standing is a word that implies stillness. I was never still, as most vets say ''Standing but not still, keep moving forward''. But I am impatient, I am fiery, I am passionate, and I am driven...there was only ever going to be so long that I could stand...or anything even similar to standing before I knew I would lose interest and move on with my life. I never knew quiet when it would happen, and to be fair 2 years of waiting around is actually pretty impressive for me! I am an Aries after all.  :P

Dumfounded- I love what you said about him throwing the stone into the Ocean. It isn't my responsibility to chase the clumsy idiot. There are plenty of people swimming in the ocean that can see me for what I am. One day someone will find me and pick me up, and never dream of letting go.  ;D

Barbie- Yes the dark whisper in the back of the mind. I knew it would be there within myself, and so many many stories of reconciliation and connection where the LBS still suffer that voice. Still have lost their confidence, still question and wonder and worry. It is real? Will it happen again? Is he staring at her? Is his new co-worker the next OW? I can and have imagined how absolutely horrible it would be. Could it get better? Probably...you would know much better than I. :)

It would take an enormous amount of forgiveness and internal strength...and if I am 100% honest. I just can't.

I think I knew that long ago when I said my line was when it became physical. I knew that the whispers would never stop. I tried not to look at it, not to assess how I felt, after all there was so much other nasty things to look at. If I was strong enough, or waited long enough or blah blah blah. Maybe I could figure out how to erase it from my mind. But the reality is...I can't. And the prospect of living with that whisper every time I look at him?

I have had enough bad $h!te in my life. I do not want to live in this for the rest of it. We had our good times, and then we had our bad times. But I do not want to suffer like that with him. Personally I find it easier to forget about the bad things in my life, and move on to something new.

I appreciate that is a very individual choice, and I have a deep deep respect for those who choose to face it.

But lovely Barbie, and all the other LBS out there, who are suffering through this dark whispering of doubt, I truly deeply hope that one day...that voice is silenced for you too. Because if anyone deserves happiness...it is the people on this site.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #5 on: September 25, 2019, 02:48:42 AM »
Out of interest (and wanting to support you), Morte - and I applaud your honesty about what you can and can't do bc that is healthy and realistic for you - have your reflections brought you to any specific next steps you are ready to take? Or are you still working the practicalities out? (Which would be understandable given your situation and three kids).
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Thunder

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #6 on: September 25, 2019, 05:10:23 AM »
You should never be afraid of us, Mort.   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2019, 05:17:29 AM »
I spent time with my MLC brother this summer who has returned home and they are attempting to reconcile. I watched first hand the dark whispers torment my SIL. It is a painful thing to witness and it made me even more sure of my decision to end my stand. I am not strong enough to withstand the dark whispers. They would consume me from the inside out. And that decision did feel like a failure to me for quite some time.  I stand in awe of those choose to fight them like my SIL.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline heroIam

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2019, 06:26:41 AM »
Hi Morte,
I'm following along.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2019, 06:31:54 AM »
Attaching Morte. 

Quote
Yes the dark whisper in the back of the mind. I knew it would be there within myself, and so many many stories of reconciliation and connection where the LBS still suffer that voice. Still have lost their confidence, still question and wonder and worry. It is real? Will it happen again? Is he staring at her? Is his new co-worker the next OW? I can and have imagined how absolutely horrible it would be. Could it get better?

This whisper is what I am facing head on right now and I have to say this has been one of the hardest things I've faced so far in this journey.  I'm looking for the answers myself. 

Your writing is clear and beautiful.  Thanks for putting into words the feelings that many of us face.  I wish you nothing but the best in your new chapter. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2019, 07:07:23 AM »
I've just read through your latest post.  Of course, I will say you have to do what you feel will be the best for you and your kids.  You know you and you know your kids.  Everyone's case is so different yet the same.

Yes, this hideous scar will always be with us.  That is for sure.  But I do also believe there is a place within ourselves that has to move forward with the marriage if that is what we choose.  Scar will be there no doubt, however, it will be ultimately about what is within us that allows the scab to remain or choose to totally pull the scab off.  Should my H return, for our relationship to work many things need to happen on his part, and on mine.  For me and my part, my choice is that the scab will have to come off and allow and commit to having the healing begin.  Not sure i'm making sense, but I believe it is all about what we want, what we choose and how we choose, what we are willing to do - and the committing to that choice, and not wavering.   I don't think it's possible to do this in some or most cases and I do think time helps us get to this crossroads point of choice.  I don't have kids and don't begin to know what it's like having this happen with children involved.

It is possible to move forward with our H's should they choose to return.  I do believe that.  And that will take time and commitment on both parts. And this may not be for everyone.  I have to say, through all of this, I did learn something very important.  Nothing is in my control, and there are no guarantees in life.  And, I'm learning every day to let things roll off my shoulder in every part of my life, not just with H.

From what I learned about you and your situation while in beautiful Tuscany, I saw a very strong, beautiful, intelligent, and very funny woman.  I have no doubt your decision will be the best for your circumstance.  I support you Morte on whatever you decide.  Lots of love and hugs your way.  :)

 
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Sam I Am

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2019, 07:50:40 AM »
Morte - As long as you do what is best for you and your children....then no one anywhere can fault you ever! 

I respect whatever decision you make for yourself.  After all...isn't that part of our learning and growing. 

I envision you as a spitfire and believe all will be well with you no matter what!

Look forward to hearing about your new adventures!   
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2019, 08:37:38 AM »
Following along

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #13 on: September 25, 2019, 09:30:14 AM »
Morte--It's only been a few days since we left Italy and I already miss you! You have such great spirit and are wise beyond your years. More wise than many people I know, including myself. Everything you wrote so resonates with me. I totally get it. And ultimately it is your decision right? You are free to make that decision, and free to change your mind at any time as well. No one would ever judge that--and if they did I would have to wonder why. Probably more about their own issues than yours.

And I know the high of an amazing vacation, and talks with "our people" can take us to a whole new level of understanding. So comforting and of course we gain that elusive confidence that was so cruelly robbed from us at BD. I've been exactly where you are now. Ready to move forward with my D. Ready to embrace MY new life and finally kick that abusive MLCer to the curb. Take back my power and find someone who truly loves me the way I know I deserve to be loved. Nothing wrong with that for sure.  Except, I have a son so really, do I have time for that? Hmmmmm. Maybe. But he doesn't really have a father so my time commitment to him is even greater. OK, I thought, I'll decide on this whole MLCer later. And sure enough, my own thoughts and decisions shifted a bit. No harm done. I am so happy the trip was great for you. It was for me too. I would never be so bold as to tell you what to do b/c who am I to ever do that? What do I know? But sometimes, it is best to let things rest for a bit before committing to anything. Hey, maybe you already have. Like I said, no one can make this decision but you.     

Eh, I guess really what I wanted to say is that you a beautiful (inside and out), strong, intelligent, wise and kind-hearted soul. Keep going forward. Maybe Beast will catch up. Maybe not. And who knows where this Beauty will end up then. Hugs friend.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #14 on: September 25, 2019, 06:05:56 PM »
Congratulations on taking the next step forward in making the rest of your life, the best of your life.  It isn't a decision to make lightly, and you've certainly done your due diligence.  I am proud of you.  Never think you are weak for letting go of something you loved so dearly.  Acceptance takes more faith and courage than anything else I can imagine.  They are already gone.  All that's left is to call the time of death.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #15 on: September 25, 2019, 06:56:59 PM »
The scar will never go away, but it will heal and fade.

Do what is best for you and the kids.
I know my decision was not what a lot of people would choose, and not the aim of this website after all.

It is not an unusual decision and many on HS, sooner or later, go for it.

They are already gone.  All that's left is to call the time of death.

Sadly, yes.

I do not disagree with Hero that reconnection/reconciliation can happen, but I agree it may not be possible in many, if not, in most cases.

There too many things going on, there are too many variables, including how long someone will be in Replay or MLC (impossible to know until they out of either) and we only have one life.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2019, 01:26:08 AM »
Dear, dear, Morte what an incredibly strong post you wrote. You could also be a writer, you know. You are everything this site is about - focusing on ourselves. You did your mirror work and have realized why you allowed yourself to dilute yourself. You know where that behaviour came from, and what it lead you to find acceptable. What a huge look at yourself you've done.

Like many of the others, I see myself in your words, but actually hadn't quite seen it as clearly until you pointed it out. I feel that your post should be up on a banner on HS. Not because of the parts about your doubts about your H, but for the parts that can show a very sad LBS that if she does the work, she will be able to pull out her great, hidden parts and live the life she was originally meant to live.

Your decision to end your stand is yours to take. I think HS is equally about standing and helping the LBS to become herself again.

You are just the cutest, sweetest, so incredibly smart (may I remind everyone she's finishing a degree in biology this year and heading on to do a masters), funny, and totally lovable woman. There's more than one unicorn out there for you if this is what you decide you want.

Big hugs and massive support for you as you face the next book.xxxxxxxxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2019, 03:27:06 AM »
And, never forget that, when it all comes down to it, MLC trumps standing or whatever else we/they decide to do...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #18 on: September 28, 2019, 05:42:10 AM »
Hey guys, I am back for replies and responses and resounding applause from my adoring fans! HA

Just kidding...

Sort of... 8)

Anyway nothing much to update in regards to MLCer. He sorta skeddaddled out of here after my Tuscany trip and I haven't seen him much since. He came over to take youngest after nursery, then seen the other kids for about half an hour...but that has been it.

Surprisingly no annoying texts or that like he was doing before my holiday. I suppose he has been over dosed by having to watch his kids for a week.. or maybe his little MLCer brain is going to explode about what I did in Tuscany with the 3 am wine cult. Who knows. ::)

But actually I am really really okay with this. I am not interested in pretending to be friends. I actually don't even think of him right now unless I come to this website. I have more important things to focus on and enjoy than whatever the lunatic is up to this week. :)

Right now I am planning a super cool weekend in the city, so that is giving me something nice to focus on and day dream about. I feel all excited like a kid at Christmas which is absolutely ridiculous. I am really looking forward to doing some new things, things I always wanted to try but was never ''allowed to'', meeting new people, and just leaving as much of this behind me as I can.

So back to the replies.

Treasur- ''Have my reflections brought me to any new steps I am ready to take?'' I suppose you are asking if I am planning to file for divorce and such? This is something I am contemplating back and forth, trying to work out what is best for me and the kids in the long time. I can't even really apply until July 2020 as that is when we are ''officially declared'' as two years separated. Those of you who read my story know about ''the date'' débâcle. ::) I will have to stick with the date I gave the officials or end up in hot water. This means it is actually nearly 3 years separated but really that is just details at this point.

Right now I have a lull in study, so since Tuscany I have been focused on getting back to eating healthy and making new friends etc. Really want to get 'out of my cage' so to speak. After that when the clock ticks closer next year, well I will be finishing up my study and I suppose looking at getting it official. Problem for another day right now.  :D

Dumbfounded- I am sorry for your tormented SIL. I can't imagine it is easy for her. I can relate a bit to that feeling of failure, but I truly believe that setting yourself free is just a different type of strength. Sometimes it is harder to let go of something you loved and take a leap into the unknown. Sometimes it is harder to face the dark whispers in your mind in the hope you can get that loved thing back. Both are very hard, both take a lot of strength. It just depends on if you are afraid to take the leap.  :)

Roo- I am sorry you are facing the dark whispers. I am not fully caught up with your story as I don't tend to spend much time here right now. Thank you very much for your compliments, and I am glad you felt a commonality in what I said.

Hero- I believe you are right that there is space for people to move forward with the marriage if that is what they choose. It takes an incredible amount of internal fortitude and forgiveness, and I deeply admire you and several other ladies who still have that. It is really nice to have support, but I guess...in the end... I am a leap taker. (What's that...I hear a shocked gasp from the crowd? Oh I know it is such a huge surprise right?! :P)

Sam- ''I envision you as a spitfire and believe all will be well with you no matter what'', well your vision is probably pretty accurate.

KIT- Ahh my lovely sister wife! Yes I suppose you are right. We never really know what is going to happen in our lives. If we didn't learn that from MLC then what have we learned right? :o Sometimes you come across the most horrific and unimaginable things, and sometimes you come across the most magnificent expected blessings. That is the point of life though, the ups and the downs. That is what makes it exciting I suppose.

As I replied to Treasur there isn't much I can really do in terms of permanent decisions at this point. So once the vacation high wears off, well I will have had plenty of time to have thought long and hard. I will not have regrets, do not worry.  :-*

Beyond- I am still planning on getting that marriage gravestone for my garden. Marriage, BD, Divorce date. Might even engrave the effigy of a Beast on it. Seems fitting.

Milly- My digital mom! Yes of course I could be a writer! I mean... I can basically do everything so..  ::) Anyway, your words were really sweet and touched me. Thank you very much.

Ursa- Eh what do you mean?! I don't need a horde of MLC Trumps hanging around bwahahaha. ;D

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #19 on: September 28, 2019, 08:35:18 AM »
Morte-Now that is one image I would like to never see again😂😂😂
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #20 on: September 30, 2019, 01:53:43 AM »
So sometimes you are going along in life...minding your own business...and you have completely forgotten about the whole MLC thing. ::)

You are smiling and happy, things are going well...life is actually pretty firetrucking good.

And then your daughter comes in with a sad look on her face in the morning.

You ask her ''What's up buttercup?'' and she curls into you and starts to cry a little.... you ask her to tell you what is wrong and then she pulls out her phone.

At this point your gut does a little ''Oh $h!te what is gonna happen now'' type of deal.

She opens the picture of her father and he is standing next to a big white polar bear statue, quiet clearly taken at the zoo.

Oh $h!te.

She then begins the questions ''Did you take this picture? Who took this picture? Why is dad at the zoo? I don't remember any polar bears at the zoo? Did you take this picture?''.

firetruck. Red alert... red alert... danger... abort.

Do I lie to her to make her feel better? Tell her that it was an old one, that maybe I took it when we went...even though I know that is a lie? Or do I tell the truth as calmly and unbothered as possible....

Well I reckon you guys know what I chose. ;)

I simply and softly said ''No honey I didn't take this picture''.

She was a little sad, and maybe a little mad at her dad, but it looked like she was really just confirming what she already knew. I am glad I didn't lie to her.

What are my feelings on the matter?

Well I am not surprised at all. In fact when he took us to the zoo that last time ages ago I knew it was because he was frequenting it with her. So firetrucking obvious. ???

But I will not lie...

The fact he has taken his hoeworker to the zoo more times than his own kids?

Brings up those pathetic and disgusting feelings again.

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #21 on: September 30, 2019, 01:57:37 AM »
Oh morte,,, so sorry for you and your D. It Strings like hell but you did the right Thing. Honesty always pays Off, even if it hurts.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #22 on: September 30, 2019, 02:00:30 AM »
Morte...you are a warm little diamond. You did the right thing bc your daughter deserves not to be gaslit by you....and in her gut, she knew you didn't take the photo or it would never have occurred to her to ask. You just treated your small person with respect and love by telling her the factual truth without embroidery. What a fantastic thing to do as a mother and human.

And Beast? Well, you knew anyway right? Just like your daughter knows really. And yes, it is difficult to respect him as a parent right now or excuse his thoughtlessness in sending the picture....hey look how much fun daddy is having without you at one of our special places...SMH  ::)But you know that too don't you? So actually nothing changed except you treating your daughter with the loving respect she deserves. Which is a win for you both.
« Last Edit: September 30, 2019, 02:01:59 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #23 on: September 30, 2019, 04:17:58 AM »
Hello,

Quote
I simply and softly said ''No honey I didn't take this picture''.

You told her the truth without making a statement against her father. Nice! Too often we take the opportunity to make it a play against our MLCer and you did a great job of not telling her a lie nor making a case against Beast. That was great.

So sad that they don't realize the feelings of their own children when they are off and about "finding themselves".

Good thing your little ones have such a great mother.


((((Hugs))) and more (((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #24 on: September 30, 2019, 07:47:47 AM »
Good response Morte.

Many years ago I worked in a busy NYC hospital in the pediatric ward.
We were trained very carefully not to lie or disguise the truth with children.
They are more aware than we usually give them credit.

Children know the truth - and often acknowledge it before their parents do.
When the parents tried to soften the reality - after the family would leave - 
the child would sometimes confide in me what they knew as the truth. 
Often they felt responsible to hide their own feelings or thoughts to protect the parent because they knew the parent was not speaking the frank truth.

Your approach is so much better.
You taught your daughter than she can expect an honest answer from you - and not have to hold information in order not to hurt you.
In other words - you are trustworthy.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #25 on: September 30, 2019, 07:55:30 AM »
Airmid &Morte

I’m going to piggyback on what Airmid said, you didn’t just teach her that you are trustworthy, but that she and her gut instinct is too. Hurt is painful, pretending it’s not just means we have to hide and bury it.
You are a safe place for her feelings and emotions, I believe that if anything will break the cycle of MLC and not pass it on.

You are an amazing mom, it’s difficult to watch our kids hurt. Hugs to you.
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #26 on: September 30, 2019, 09:44:17 AM »
OMG--what a total A$$hat! I'm sorry, but these guys are just idiots. Really, the freaken zoo? Without your kids? Laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaame. Grow the F up Mr. Beast.

Well, I am not at all surprised you handled that so well Morte. Your D knows she can always rely on mama Bear. And her little heart was hurting bc dad is an idiot presently. But you told her the truth in the most selfless, loving and kind way a person could have. You are amazing.

Hugs to you and D. Your littles are so blessed to have you as their Mama.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #27 on: October 01, 2019, 02:28:24 AM »
I agree with everyone, Morte, you did wonderfully. You are a great mother and your D will grow up healthy because of it. The truth is best I believe, although it doesn't need to be a harsh truth. Your H was totally thoughtless posting a photo at the zoo when he has such young kids. But that's the epitome of a MLC - thoughtlessness. The way you answered your D was perfect.

And yes, you can be anything you want! You are starting to sound like my D22. Glad I'm getting the message through to all my kids!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Enyo

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #28 on: October 01, 2019, 05:45:29 AM »
I also agree with everyone else - lying to children is never a good idea, they have us sussed out long before we realise it! and I imagine your daughter is more switched on than most.  Well done in not covering for Beast but doing it in a classy way, you handled it better that I would have. 

Also enjoyed (is that the right word?) reading your post on your last thread.  Yes Tuscany was very thought provoking and I agree with you it felt safe to open up.  I also wish you well with you book number 3 however you wish to go forward with it - you'll not find any judgement from me!

Take care
Enyo X
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Offline DCD

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #29 on: October 01, 2019, 07:06:46 AM »
 :(
 >:(
you handled that beautifully.  Hugs to you and your little lady.
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
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Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #30 on: October 01, 2019, 10:26:44 AM »
I agree.... nicely done Morte.  8)
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #31 on: October 02, 2019, 09:57:34 AM »
It's another instalment of wack job Wednesday.

You know that time of week when I have to face the wrath of the wraith of exmus past... ::)

Started off promising when he ditched youngest, by not picking him up, and not bothering to text. ???

Later he showed up at 4 pm and I was upstairs doing chores. Didn't really speak to him just shouted down to take them out for visitation today. Needless to say he was thrilled.    ::)

He took them out for about 1.5 hours.

So he comes back in a completely different mood...I am busy doing chores. He starts to follow me about to talk to me. Chatting about what they did, how he is sick (again  ::)), and blah blah blah. I refrained from asking him if he caught it at the zoo. Brownie point for me.  ;)

Then he starts to ask me about my plans for my upcoming weekend break. I told him it might be one week, or possible the next again weekend depending. That I need to wait a bit before I know for sure. Questions, questions, questions.

My phone is playing random music off the radio and he comments on it. He then comments ......Brace yourself because this is a hoot!.....

''You need to make better life choices.''

So I smiled ever so sweetly and said, ''You are right. Starting with this. Get the firetruck out my house.''

His face was a bit  :o and off he went. Shouting back down the drive way that he was going to go google some insults because he is off his game.

Yeah...you really really are.  8)


You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #32 on: October 02, 2019, 10:00:13 AM »
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Bravo Morte 👏👏👏
 Bravo!
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #33 on: October 02, 2019, 10:02:21 AM »
He then comments ......Brace yourself because this is a hoot!.....

''You need to make better life choices.''

So I smiled ever so sweetly and said, ''You are right. Starting with this. Get the firetruck out my house.''


LOL - It's liberating once you take the rose-colored glasses off and see them for who they really are!

Offline DCD

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #34 on: October 02, 2019, 10:08:43 AM »
Ah yes….”the firetruckening”.  That’s what I’ve come to call it.  When you’ve sorted through the collateral damage, get things back on track and moving forward again and then MLCer shows up with unwarranted, unnecessary, un-asked-for, and unbelievably stupid "advice", which generally starts with “you need to…” or the like – the firetruckening. 

How does one overcome the firetruckening? Exactly as you have just done  ;D
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #35 on: October 02, 2019, 10:12:34 AM »
Love this  :)
Yup, when the LBS finds their own 'game' again, the MLCer is just out of their league completely.
Funny how they always seem a bit surprised by that....and how much they don't like those better LBS choices lol.
I do hope Beast is bracing himself as Morte's new 'book' maybe above his current reading age....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #36 on: October 02, 2019, 10:16:02 AM »
I do hope Beast is bracing himself as Morte's new 'book' maybe above his current reading age....

HA! Yes indeed I think it might be.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #37 on: October 02, 2019, 12:31:07 PM »

''You need to make better life choices.''

So I smiled ever so sweetly and said, ''You are right. Starting with this. Get the firetruck out my house.''


Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, drop the mike....

I bow to you oh great Morte. I usually come up with my witty comebacks about 15 minutes after the person has left.

Best part about this, is that I have the visual of your gorgeous face and beautiful smile whilst saying these words.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #38 on: October 02, 2019, 12:44:23 PM »

''You need to make better life choices.''

So I smiled ever so sweetly and said, ''You are right. Starting with this. Get the firetruck out my house.''


Annnnnnnnnnnnnnd, drop the mike....

I bow to you oh great Morte. I usually come up with my witty comebacks about 15 minutes after the person has left.

Best part about this, is that I have the visual of your gorgeous face and beautiful smile whilst saying these words.

Ha! Yes it’s so different when we can visualise and hear the voice of the person writing.  That was quite assertive Morte. 

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #39 on: October 02, 2019, 02:36:26 PM »
And, just like that, the rules of the game change  ;D 8)

What loser has to go to Google to learn witty insults?  Oh, that's right, the witless, wandering MLC'er who thought you were going to do as he wanted and keep those puppet strings firmly attached.  Good for you for simultaneously cutting the cord and bursting his bubble.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #40 on: October 02, 2019, 06:16:52 PM »
I just fell sooo close to you right now Morte !  ;D  Sometimes ya just got to say it like ya see it !   I am still clapping!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #41 on: October 02, 2019, 06:51:09 PM »
One day she calls her power back and the whole game changes.

I probably would have thrown in a zoo comment but I am weak like that.



Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

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Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #42 on: October 02, 2019, 10:19:54 PM »
Has to be up for the MLCer's most  "Stupid comment if the year award", surely!!

Sad thing is that he probably didn't 'get it'.  Of course YOU are a crazy woman to say that Mort :o  It's always the LBS fault and of course we are always the crazy one. 

You'd better start making better life choices Mort, just like those your H is making because he is an expert.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #43 on: October 02, 2019, 11:03:14 PM »
Good one, Morte! Don't know why, the whole situation reminds me of the Hunger games.

Of course, when Beast said 'You need to make better life choices,' he was talking about himself. Your answer will have hit him like a whip. There will be no doubt that something in Morte has changed.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #44 on: October 03, 2019, 02:42:20 AM »
I think that you have just made a better life choice in taking your power back.....this has had me smiling since I read it last night - you go girl! Well done xxx PG xxx

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #45 on: October 03, 2019, 10:35:04 AM »
I am glad that all of you had a good giggle.  :)

Nerrissa and Kit it must be very confusing for those of you who met me in Tuscany. Most people think I am just this sweet innocent mom...and then I come out with $h!te like that. :o Someone (can't remember who now) said they always pictured me as this dark haired gothy little fire cracker. I wonder if it is confusing for people when my looks don't match my internal self?! 

Ah well keeps em guessing.  ;)

Savie I got another contender for the ''Stupid comment of the year award''.

So today was Parent's evening (Beast is a no show...big surprise ::)). I text him to ask if he will help pay for daughter's school trip. It is nearly £200 and I just paid for school uniforms, equipment, and son's school trip. He replies:

''I'm what they call poor. Tramps have more money than me''.

Sigh.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #46 on: October 03, 2019, 12:53:19 PM »
It wasn't me BUT I did always picture you as a gothy little gamer. Just saying, ha. And the firecracker part too. But a redhead.

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #47 on: October 03, 2019, 06:39:03 PM »
And the petty part of me would have replied "Hmmm, well maybe you need to make better choices" at his poor tramp comment.  I never was afraid to thrown those truth darts.   ;D

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #48 on: October 05, 2019, 01:58:11 AM »
Yes Morte, your H is also in the running, they really do say some incredibly stupid things.  I wonder if we wrote them all down, if they come out of crisis, they would be embarrassed? 

Only time will tell........
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #49 on: October 05, 2019, 08:39:40 PM »
Morte,

Dear sweet 8 lb 2oz baby Jesus, Beast is pitiful isn’t he? Poor guy he can’t even afford a tiny violin with which to play himself a pity party song.

Oh well, want better options? Make better choices.

My H is also flailing around in 3 ft of water declaring that he is drowning, eventually you just shrug and walk away...you can only shout “just stand up” for so long. 🤷‍♀️
Alas, being a damsel in distress is hard thankless work as they are discovering....
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #50 on: October 06, 2019, 10:54:20 AM »

A funny thing happened for me after living in MLC limbo for 2 years. It left me a lot of time to reflect on me, what I want, what I need, who I am...and what I want going forward in my life. It allowed me the time to see things in a way I couldn't see them while living them. To locate and identify all the pieces that were missing, that I didn't even know where missing.

In my past relationships, particularly with Beast...I was always the adult. The grown up one. The one who made all the decisions, paid the bills, made sure the kids were taken care of. I had to stuff and stifle my fun, spontaneous, adventurous side because it made him feel insecure.

I wasn't allowed to be me...I had to be this distorted tame dulled down me. I was never allowed to be both. I can't really blame anyone for this. Technically I allowed myself to bend into this single dimension to try and please him. To placate his anxiety and insecurity. To keep the peace.

But I am not a single dimension kind of girl. The things that make me, me....are so very very complex. I am smart and sweet and like cute squishy things...But I am also witty, wise, sarcastic and a little bit fiery at times. I am passionate, driven, and spontaneous...and sometimes a little naughty. I am a great mom, a damn good cook, and a responsible enthusiastic student.  It can be very complicated to be all these things at once, when people start to put expectations on you to just be one thing. It starves the other parts of you...

Over the last 14 years I have been starving so many parts of myself...I was watered down so much that the raging fire inside of me was just this little smoking ember...


I contemplated if this was the right time to tell this, or if I should wait. I suppose a lot of people in my situation feel that way. Afraid to be judged or ridiculed or told off for their choices. Afraid if things don't go to plan they will look a fool. But while I had all these feelings for a little while I much prefer to live my life openly and honestly. To lay it on the line so to speak and if people don't like it well...please feel free to find the nearest emergency exit. ;)

Someone out there will be able to relate. Will need to hear a story similar to theirs. To read something and not feel alone.

 
So suffice it to say in an interesting turn of events, life has dealt me an unexpected curve ball. I find myself texting and talking with someone, who I shall refer to as KP. It is still at the very early stages obviously, just chatting and getting to know each other. Yet most of the time these chats end up lasting well into the night...

I could honestly just listen to him talk for ages. We are so very similar in the important ways...and yet different in others. I really admire how intelligent and hard working he is, yet I can see that he has the same multifaceted sides. He doesn't fit into a single dimensional box. But the most important thing is something about him just makes me feel....hmm how do I describe it. Safe? Comfortable? At home? Free to be me?

Honestly right now it feels like KP has just walked in and threw a can of petrol on that ember that was dying inside of me. My emotions and hormones are going firetrucking haywire.  :o

I am day dreaming, going shopping for cute outfits, mentally planning dates and adventures...and growing a list of fun things to do...and joking and laughing....and smiling again.

I mean really smiling. Like that way when you find yourself smiling so long while talking on the phone that your firetrucking cheeks start to hurt. I can't remember the last time my cheeks were hurting from smiling so much. It is lovely, and honestly a little scary.

What I want to mention though is all the things it is teaching me. About myself, what I want, what I need to work on...what I expect from others. How a person should treat another. That maybe you can share stuff with someone else after this horrible experience.

It is helping me find pieces that were missing, that I didn't even realise I had lost.

I know this site can sometimes have a stigma about these types of situations. I know some people get scared to share their story, or experience because of this. I had those feelings too...but...I am not the type of person to lie and hide things. Fear only works for so long, and I really want anyone out there who feels the same...to feel braver in sharing their truth. Because we can only make good choices for ourselves based on truths, not lies.

At any rate. This week KP sent me flowers. It was a complete surprise and I was really shocked at first....and then at one point I will admit I might have been jumping up and down squealing like a teenage girl asked to prom. :-[ Honestly it was probably sickening from the outside...but damn it felt good. To feel seen again. To feel loved and valued. To feel wanted as a woman.

And yes I know what is coming.. All you wonderful mature momma bear's (and maybe a papa bear?  ;) ) will tell me to be careful. Guard my heart. I got it. I am okay. Really I am so okay.  ;D

So I guess I am the fool ready to make a leap, because I know eventually it will all work out. It always does. I need to be me, and that means all of me.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #51 on: October 06, 2019, 11:02:14 AM »
No judgment. No care instructions from me.
I trust that you are smart enough to steer your own ship, Morte
And that you will not plot your course by someone else's map after seeing yourself in a Captain's Hat again  :)
« Last Edit: October 06, 2019, 11:03:46 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline DCD

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #52 on: October 06, 2019, 01:45:21 PM »
ENJOY  :)
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #53 on: October 06, 2019, 02:01:39 PM »
That’s truly lovely news. So pleased you are feeling happy. Xxx

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #54 on: October 06, 2019, 02:13:24 PM »
My heart is so happy for you!  It’s so good to know we can truly live again.  Feel that fire again after they so effectively seem to stomp it out.  Tears for this because hope is a precious thing and I feel it a bit after reading this.  That with a reconciliation or without one, we can move forward!!!
« Last Edit: October 06, 2019, 02:14:26 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #55 on: October 06, 2019, 04:18:29 PM »
So lovely to read the joy in your post Morte.  I too think that you absolutely don't need any warnings or advice.  You are one smart cookie so you go have fun now ya hear!
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #56 on: October 06, 2019, 04:35:35 PM »
Happiness is always found within.  What you become, you also attract and are attracted to.  You have grown and are rediscovering your true self.  Beast is shrinking and becoming less, so it's no great surprise he's no longer an interesting or attractive option to you.

Go out and live your best life, on your own terms.  That's what we have all been placed on this Earth to do.  Some of us just need a huge eye opening lesson to get the message.

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #57 on: October 06, 2019, 04:55:20 PM »
Enjoy and have fun!

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #58 on: October 06, 2019, 05:32:56 PM »
No judgement here Morte..none whatsoever. I agree with others that no warnings required as I believe you will figure out exactly what is right for YOU. I have always believed you have such wisdom far far beyond your years . Onward you go Morte ...finding your best life . You surely deserve it !
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #59 on: October 06, 2019, 06:09:46 PM »
What a nice situation to find yourself in, Morte!  I hope someday I find myself in a similar one.  No judgement from me.  Really smiling is a fabulous thing! 
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Anon

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #60 on: October 06, 2019, 06:35:19 PM »
Morte,,I am literally crying tears of happiness for you.  You deserve it more than I can adequately express.  You are one of the brightest shining stars I have ever met in a good long while.  Enjoy it all,,,and don’t give Beast a second thought.   This new interest sounds just fabulous!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #61 on: October 06, 2019, 11:54:30 PM »
Such a beautiful post Morte, I could have written the stuff about never feeling like 'me' in our marriage.  XH's family always thought they were so much better than everyone else and I had to live up to someone else's expectations.

I was definitely a dulled down me, that's why I often felt flat and always waiting for life and H to be better,  but it never happened. I managed to be happy in my own little bubble but inside I was often disappointed I didn't feel my light shining brightly.  When you're married to a pessimist, you have to do double duty to feel happy and it's exhausting.

I hope your new flame ignites the spark for you again and beast is a distant memory.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #62 on: October 07, 2019, 12:36:08 AM »
You'll not hear any criticism from me Mort.....

A few threads ago (feels like half a lifetime sometimes and just yesterday in others), you had a long-running discussion about the big red button and what would happen when it got pushed.... Well, just maybe, KP is the power source that the button needed? I mean, you can push a button all you want but if it isn't connected to something, if it doesn't cause something to happen, then it is kind of useless, isn't it?

You and KP are both adults, you know what the score is on your side and I have to believe that he does to as I can't reconcile my mental picture of you with the idea that you are someone who doesn't put her cards on the table from the start....

One can guard their heart to a certain extent and, based on the lessons we get handed (and hopefully learn) in life, we get proficient in listening to our gut feelings and paying attention to what it's saying.  That is quite different however, from walling one's self off from having feelings for another human being... Because, having feelings for someone means that we allow ourselves to become vulnerable, to put ourselves in the position of being hurt again.... It is also the only way that someone can truly find (and feel) love and a deep connection to another person.  Sure, one can have superficial R's (there are the occasional Posters that are living that life) and, maybe for them they are OK with that kind of existence (I personally can not call it a "life but that is because it is NOT my way of thinking) but, for others, we want to have that deep and intimate connection with a partner.....

Like King Pelinor in Camelot said, "You can wall all those others out to keep from feeling, to keep from being hurt by them but, when you wall others out, you are also walling yourself in.... "
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #63 on: October 07, 2019, 05:23:33 AM »
Aww it warms my heart coming on to so much love and support. Thank you so much guys. You are all the best!  :-*

Anon you saying you were crying got me crying! Honestly this is why women can't cry together huh. Thank you so much.  ;D

Savie I am glad my post gave you something to reflect on. You shouldn't dull yourself either. Go and find some petrol.  ;D


Ursa you have a good memory. I do remember talking about the Red button dance. I think we all know what happens when it gets pushed...I just hadn't pushed it yet.

But I think I had been staring at that red button for months. In fact I think when I went to Tuscany I was looking for some sort of answer to keep me from pushing it. Honestly it felt like I was mentally staring at it...rubbing the top of it...but not quite sure if I was ready to push it.

Yet the more everyone talked and we discovered things about ourselves, and reflected...

I guess somewhere out there I must have pushed it well and good. I knew just as much as all these wonderful people were still hanging in there, and still standing...that I just wasn't. That I was done.

So without fan fare, or even a red button party...it was just done. Instead of an angry slam of the red button I always imagined....it was just one more stroke across the top...that finally pushed it down. A calm decision. Not an angry or hasty one.

And as for having my cards on the table well...your mental picture is right. I am 100 percent on the table. The good, the bad, the ugly..and the terribly terribly funny.  8)

I like your quote about walling yourself in. I was in the process of laying bricks...I was ready to shut everyone out for a good long while. I knew it was going to take something very out of the ordinary to get in. I was about half way there then suddenly someone jumped over. Typical. ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Enyo

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #64 on: October 07, 2019, 09:09:17 AM »
Morte

Smiling as I read you post. Can visualise you looking like a Bond villan stroking that red button.  Sorry there wasn't a red button party - there could have been wine!

Tuscany was a good place for reflection wasn't it - I think we have all went home a bit changed - a bit more sure of our next step/way forward - I know I did.

So so pleased that you are happy - and who doesn't like having flowers delivered?  I bet you smile like a Cheshire cat every time you walk past them.  I know you have your feet on ground but do allow yourself to fly a little.

Enyo x
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #65 on: October 07, 2019, 09:40:03 AM »
I'm very happy for you, too, Morte. You deserve to be loved and appreciated fully by some wonderful man. You have so much to offer someone. Your H could have had that but he chose to walk away.

I think this is part of your personal growth, you know your worth now. You don't need to babysit a man, you need an equal, with the same hopes for the future, who wants you to do well at university so that you can begin your much desired career.

I hope this man appreciates who he's getting. Big hugs and do tell us more!xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #66 on: October 07, 2019, 10:14:54 AM »
I read you post last night as I was sitting on the bench waiting for 5 teenagers to emerge from a ride at an amusement park.  I composed several responses but then realized I couldn't decide how I felt... which was more about me than you. Then I read UM's response this morning and was like ... oh, I am the gal behind the wall who wants to say I don't know Morte if it is safe out there for you dear.   

It takes so much courage to open a broken heart again to the possibilities of love. I wish you nothing but happiness Morte!! 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #67 on: October 07, 2019, 06:36:33 PM »
Morte, you and I are in a very similar place.  I didn't push the red button either and I also thought the decision not to stand anymore was going to some epic thing that required lots of tears, shouting and pain - not so. 

I think going out with cafe man did it, finally someone WANTED to be with me and was telling me I was beautiful, special, amazing and desirable, I was feeling what H should have been making me feel, but didn't.  XH chooses to be with a woman who has stated she is waiting for his other to pass and will take the money and run, what a relationship!

I am a totally different woman to the one he BD'd and I have been nothing but caring and understanding of his MLC but it's his problem and no longer mine to fix or ruminate over.  He has Money Bags to look after him and she can have the abusive sod.

I also have a life now, a home, job, lots of amazing friends and I look after ME very well.  I look after my hair, nails, lashes, clothes and make-up, I am the Queen.  I hit the gym five days a week and look fabulous all the time.  I am known as 'the glamorous one' at work and always being asked for advice on hair and make-up.  I also look after my emotional well-being with tons of self kindness.

I am definitely ready for a special man and he's just around the corner, I can almost feel him getting close.  It's so exciting to think about being in love again, makes me tingle all over.  I know what love is and I do it well.

Morte, I know you are going to be smiling a lot in the future and I wish you and every LBS who has suffered the pain we all have, the utmost happiness once they decide to kick their MLCers into to the past where they so clearly deserve to be.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #68 on: October 08, 2019, 03:24:07 PM »
Finally caught up Morte. You got me grinning ear to ear right now ;D
Me: 34
H: 37
S18; D11; D8; D5
Together 19 years, Married for 3
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I'm finally discovering who I am

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #69 on: October 08, 2019, 05:48:35 PM »


I was in the process of laying bricks...I was ready to shut everyone out for a good long while. I knew it was going to take something very out of the ordinary to get in. I was about half way there then suddenly someone jumped over. Typical. ::)

This definitely resonates with me. I personally am walled into a 100-story tower presently. But if/when i do meet someone special, I don't think I will be able to look at H the same. I am a one-man woman, so it would be the end for sure.

Morte you are one of the most self-aware persons I've come in contact with in a long time. Like I said before, only you know what is right for you and your littles. And I suspect you've done some serious soul searching to get here. Healing these wounded hearts of ours is no easy task. We all have much love to give. It is only right that we should let it in if it comes looking for us again.  :)
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #70 on: October 09, 2019, 08:34:27 AM »
So I will start Wackjob Wednesday off with a bang and a good laugh...cuz you know that is my style. 8)



So last night I am sitting there minding my own business and I get this text:

Beast: ''I am stuck in a lift''
Me: ''Stuck in a lift?''
Beast: ''Yeah''
Me: ''Hmm....''
Me: ''Do I call for help or leave him...''
Beast: ''Oh, I called'' -sent picture-
Me: ''Oh... damn... I was totally gonna call ;)''
Beast: ''Totally''
Me: ''Well...seems like you got your evening set :)''
Beast: ''Ugh''
Me: ''Give you time to contemplate your life''
Beast: ''I am stuck with a work guy, he talks a lot''
Me: ''Cosy...dont get to close...he might have you''.
---about an hour later-
Beast: ''Yeah, we escaped''
Me: ''Well guess we will see you tomorrow then ::)''

He was stuck in that elevator for 2 hours past his shift. Oh what a wonderful evening. Not even sure why he decided to text me about this? But I found it highly amusing.


Beast came for youngest at 1 pm. Off they went giving me some peace and quiet.

Later after school I am walking into my living room from the kitchen...and who's big firetrucking face is stuck to my window.   :o I did that stupid jump scream that annoys me when it comes out. Of course this sent the kids and Beast into fits of laughter.  ::)

So he took the kids out to get their sweets...then stood around my living room awkwardly for a while. Staring at my flowers but never commented. Telling me his harrowing tale about the elevator...and doing that sorta weird...room sweep. You know the one...where they are looking around to see what else is new.  ::)

Then he took his back pack upstairs to the toilet to get changed for the gym. Why wouldn't you just get changed AT the gym?! Fecking weird.

This is my weekend with the kids, so unless he gets stuck on a train or something I should be clear for another week.  ;)
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 08:36:44 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #71 on: October 09, 2019, 10:34:24 AM »
If nothing else Beast is entertaining Morte. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #72 on: October 09, 2019, 10:54:14 AM »
Quote
and doing that sorta weird...room sweep. You know the one...where they are looking around to see what else is new.

Really?
If I were you and caught Beast doing that - I most certainly would use his curiosity to my advantage.
I would...
-  buy a hallmark card and get someone else to sign it - "all my love, your secret admirer"

- place a pack of condoms in the medicine cabinet - front and center - just in case Beast was snooping while in your bathroom.

- buy a very sexy negligee and leave it at the bottom of my carefully made bed.

- while you are at it - how about some satin leopard sheets?  I bought these as a goof one time on Amazon - turns out - they are cheap and fun to sleep on.

- leave a few books on the coffee table like....
          Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment - by Steven Stosny PhD,
          Something Gained: 7 Shifts to Be Stronger, Smarter & Happier After Divorce -by Deb Purdy
          This Is Me Letting You Go - by Heidi Priebe

But then - lol I am evil.


 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 10:55:56 AM by Airmid »

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #73 on: October 09, 2019, 11:16:36 AM »
Airmid!  Yes!!! 😂😂😂
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #74 on: October 09, 2019, 01:18:16 PM »
Airmid
UM will be along shortly saying your going to hades. 
Those are all good ones though, ha

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #75 on: October 09, 2019, 02:09:38 PM »
Airmid, I thought the same.  A huge cache of worn sex toys would be a great addition  ;D ;D.  Ain't nobody missing ya here, Beasty Boy  ;D ;D

Offline lawprofessor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #76 on: October 09, 2019, 02:40:54 PM »
Morte, that's a teenage anchor check.  He noticed you aren't on the shelf where he put you in the closet.  So he gets worried.  How did you manage to escape the closet?  So he looks around to see what's changed after all who expects their safety net to fold up?  Surely not the special boy who had 2 women want his greatness. 

So he tries to reel you back in with that ridiculous set of texts to show you how exciting his life is and how put upon he is by life.  He wanted some attention. 

Mine did the same to see if I'd bite and jump back on the shelf. He even tried suggesting he might come home if only he could know I wasn't dating.  Yeah, not falling for those empty words either.  You only care that I stay on the shelf and wait so you have your safety net. 

How like a teenager, immature and boring.  At least that's my opinion.

Keep doing you.
Lp
if people won’t listen to you, there’s no point in talking to people. If they won’t listen, you’re just banging your head against a wall.

Sadly Ive used up all the time I had allotted to spend banging my head on the wall

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #77 on: October 09, 2019, 03:25:15 PM »
I thought the same when I read it as LP, he was trying to figure out what changed.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #78 on: October 09, 2019, 03:39:37 PM »
I also think he is trying to lure you back into playing games.  He isn’t going to be the one to stop first.

Online Treasur

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #79 on: October 09, 2019, 03:52:32 PM »
Can you train the new dog to attack him like a burglar?
I remember an old client of mine saying that he decided to change his highflying international job when he got home late from a business trip once and his own dog attacked him and his young son wasn't sure who he was when he woke up...

Although I like Air's last book title too  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #80 on: October 09, 2019, 05:05:03 PM »
Easier to do when you don’t have the prying eyes of littles all about the house. We don’t want to confuse everyone. Haha!
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #81 on: October 10, 2019, 01:47:53 AM »
OK, we are going to have to charter an entire BUS for this trip to Hades but Air gets the seat of honor for coming up with the ideas.... The rest of us get to tag along for laughing...

Maybe add a can of whipping cream and a bottle of maraschino cherries in the fridge for good measure...

xW did that a few times too. My cousin from the US had come to visit me, had to get a curling iron (her US one was not multi-voltage), and, since the German one runs on 220vAC and couldn't be used in the US, she left it in the kids bathroom... <heh>  The only thing was that the kids told her it was from my cousin and that she had left it for D8....

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #82 on: October 10, 2019, 02:12:12 AM »
You guys crack me up. Great to see everyone laughing and joking.

Dumfounded: I used to joke he was a loveable idiot. Now he is just an idiot. Bwahaha. ;D

Airmid: Those are all brilliant ideas and frankly the kind of $h!te I would come up with. The only catch being I don't really wanna explain to my 9 year old why mommy has a supersize box of mega condoms. That could get weird real quick. :o

Beyond: In regards to the worn sex toys...see above.

LP: Thanks for your input. I never even thought of the stuck in a lift thing as an anchor check, but that is an interesting take. Personally I really was contemplating just leaving him in it....to bad he had his phone to call for help. ….Nah I am only kidding...I might have phoned....maybe... ;)

Treasur: Unfortunately I can't teach the wee one to attack him as...well if I decide to go away for a week holiday or a weekend away he is the numpty who has to watch my dogs (and my kids). So although this is an entertaining thought...it's a no go.

Ursa: We don't need to hire a bus...we are all riding the Karma bus remember.  8) Though I do like some whipping cream, cherries and chocolate sauce...so might be an idea.


Not really an update as no MLCer activity but I did have a funny idea for Halloween while walking the dogs...

So in my living room at the front of the house we have this big window. Every year we decorate it a week or two before Halloween, so I was getting some ideas of what we can do next week during the school holidays. I was contemplating making little bats and what not but then realised I have a nice big bouquet of flowers sitting on my table (directly in view from the window) and I thought ''I am not sure little fake bats and my flower bouquet are going to match''....at any rate this is about the time my mind went nuts...big surprise I know  ::)

So I was thinking how firetrucking funny would it be if I did like a bloody hand print scene...with big hand smears up the window..and I could write ''Til death do us part'' in 'blood' with the lovely flowers and pretty house sitting in the background. Oh god this gave me an insane laughing fit when I imagined Beast's face next time he came over for visitation.

At any rate I have decided I should probably stick to the little kid friendly bats...seeing as I don't want to have the cops round and that.. :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #83 on: October 10, 2019, 02:19:34 AM »
Oooooooo.... You are SO bad....

But I like it...'Til Death Do Us Part" indeed...

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #84 on: October 10, 2019, 11:18:15 AM »
And if the flowers wilt and die, so much the better.....
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #85 on: October 10, 2019, 02:14:11 PM »
If you didn’t have such small Children, Id insist you do it!  But we don’t want you all
Up with nightmares I suppose. ☹️

Offline Milly

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #86 on: October 11, 2019, 01:13:39 AM »
Love the blood dragged smudges on the window! Can you just do it for the night of Halloween? Plus wilted flowers! Pretty please?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #87 on: October 11, 2019, 01:20:18 AM »
You know, I was thinking....

You could get a styrofoam Tombstone and put the "Til Death...." thing in fake blood on that with your wedding date and BD date as the born and died dates and then put THAT in the window with the dead flowers in front of it...

OK, maybe a little TOO direct...

"Get that motor runnin'...."   The Hades bus is coming to town...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #88 on: October 11, 2019, 01:50:36 PM »
Love the blood dragged smudges on the window! Can you just do it for the night of Halloween? Plus wilted flowers! Pretty please?

And be sure to post the pics.  ;)
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #89 on: October 12, 2019, 06:08:18 AM »

Wrestling with your own mind monkeys is exhausting isn't it?


Treasur was talking about something else on her thread but this quote really stuck out to me.

Wrestling with your own mind monkies.

That is something we all do to some degree, even before MLC $h!te storm hits us. I remember doing it back in school when I was a teenager. ''Will they not like me because...'' ''Will they think this because I wore that''....

I can remember always feeling a bit out of place.

I had two different groups of friends, each who filled a need of one side of me. There was the smart, nerdy loners, who I related to and could have a decent mentally stimulating conversation that wasn't about how many boys we had snogged that weekend. I could talk with them about complex things, science, ideas, theories...amazing discussions....but they were always just a little bit boring for lack of a better word. They were the scardey cats, the ones to afraid to do things, the ones who wrestled a lot with their own mind monkies.

On the other side I had my wild pals, the 'skaters' and the 'goths'. The social outcasts who didn't give a firetruck what anyone thought. The ones hanging out late at the arcade, drinking under age, smoking pot...listening to rock and roll. These guys helped me feel free, and do crazy fun stuff that you aren't supposed to do...but are what makes up living. These were the friends who had your back, would never rat each other out, and found a sorta brotherhood between us. Yet they were never mentally stimulating. We could laugh and joke and have fun, but there was never going to be a good mental discussion between us.

I belonged to both groups, yet fully to neither.

What is the point? Well I guess my point is that I almost always feel like this. Like people I know will only accept or like one part of me.

Even though now I feel like I can be more of myself, I am still finding it difficult to really accept that someone can like all parts of me, and not just one bit if that makes sense?

So with that comes the monkey braining.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Couragedearheart

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #90 on: October 12, 2019, 06:24:50 AM »
That’s what friends are for. No one person can or should fulfill all of us. Our spouse shouldn’t want to  do and be all those facets of ourselves...but they should appreciate them, and enjoy them and encourage us to find and spend time with people that enjoy those things too.

I have to have friends for different purposes. I am complex, and I am satisfied with that, but I can’t ask everyone else to match me. So I have 3-4 wildly different sets of friends for different things and that allows me to explore the many facets of me with the people that enjoy those same things.

It’s healthy and interdependent. You wouldn’t use a man to replace girlfriend time...he can’t do it, so you can’t ask an adventure friend to replace the monkey brain friend or vice versa....we just appreciate people and ourselves for who they are and the part of our life they bring joy too.

Don’t monkey brain this one.

You are perfect as you are, you should like this about yourself.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 06:31:56 AM by Couragedearheart »
Me 36
H 36
S14
Wallower?
EA discovered 5/31/2019
BD May 31 2019
EA ongoing? 🤷‍♀️ (Who knows?)
“God allows us to feel the frailty of human love so we’ll appreciate the strength of his.” C.S. Lewis

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #91 on: October 12, 2019, 04:53:19 PM »
This is very odd because I was just talking to someone the other day about being a “floater”. I don’t have one BFF that is my go to person for everything. I have different groups of people I float between and among and I seem to know a lot of people but sometimes I feel like I don’t really belong anywhere..  but then I think I am ok with that. There are just so many dimensions to me and I can never really decide if this a good thing or a bad thing.

I was working in my flower bed this afternoon and I got to monkey braining something fierce about being too complicated for any one person to understand. I got to feeling kinda destined to travel the rest of my journey alone as some sort of “too complicated” person. I started remembering when LB told me things like I was too sensitive or too this or too that. And my mind knows that those statements are excuses used by him to justify his bad behavior ... but they still sting some days and lead me down that path.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #92 on: October 12, 2019, 05:02:11 PM »
Really guys?
You are going to monkey brain yourselves over having different sections of your life and different friends to go along with it?

Put it to rest because honestly I think this is pretty normal.
I am an engineer - I have my science geek friends who understand my passion for certain things environmental and science minded.

I have my crazy beach friends who are totally artistic and right brained - and get me out of my left brain thinking.

I have my theater buddies - who I got to dinners and plays with.

Some of these friends overlap - but most don't.
My therapist told me right after BD how important it was to develop all sorts of different friends.

Here's the thing - they are all resources - for different aspects of ourselves.
There is no one person who can fulfill everything for us - what an awful expectation and burden to put upon one friend.

Be happy and celebrate that you are unique and diverse and have all sorts of different friends.
I think it is a sign of being healthy.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #93 on: October 13, 2019, 05:07:33 AM »
Waheyyyy. I’ve finally done it. It’s taken some time to read your threads. It’s taken me the best part of a week but I just want to say. That you making the decision to end your stand so to speak, is a very brave one. I would say “nobody can judge you for it” but you already know that because I’m late to the party. I can 100% resonate with everything you say about the gradual decline in not caring. That’s how I feel. Things just don’t bother me so much anymore. The end result for you is always going to be the same. I know you will live a life full of happiness and love. It won’t be with beast. But it will be with beast 2.0 and this one won’t be looking for little miss skittles hey! You said earlier that the forum isn’t for “non standers” well you didn’t use those words but that’s what you meant. But the fact is. Marriages and long term relationship also weren’t meant to be ruined by MLC and these Ow. You do you boo!

Also with regards to KP. I firetrucking LOVE this like love love love it. Everyone deserves to be happy and someone who can make you genuinely smile and happy is a blessing.

Now I’m caught up you won’t get any midnight messages from me ha!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online MortesbrideTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #94 on: October 13, 2019, 05:33:08 AM »
I guess I should have been more specific about what I was monkey braining exactly. It isn't so much about having different friends for different things...but more about monkey braining how much of you should be shared.

Airmid

''They are all resources- for different aspects of ourselves''.
Gah... I know what you are trying to say but that just makes me feel so cringey. Like MLCers who seek out people to use them for their needs. It feels icky and I don't like the sound of it.

I suppose I don't really see people as resources. I don't have friendships to gain something from someone. I don't use them to fill a need. I am usually their friend because I enjoy their company. I feel a connection or safety with them...or we just happen to like something or other.

If my quiet geeky friend decides to start talking about her freaky sex life, I might be surprised but it would actually be very enjoyable to have them share this side of themselves. I wouldn't be offended or feel like they over shared.. yet sometimes I worry that I am over-sharing.  I know that it is probably something that comes from my childhood and past. Not being allowed to share all of who I am. So I am working on it.

''There is no one person who can fulfil everything for us- what an awful expectation and burden to put upon one friend''.

Hmm this is interesting. I was always prone to having one or two best friends. They knew everything about me. All the good and the bad and the ugly. It creates and intense bond that lasts for a long time. But when that bond is lost then it is devastating.

I reckon that is what many of us did with our MLCers right? We were married but also best friends. They were expected to fulfil everything for us. But for many of us did we not do the same?

And so what would you advise going forward? That I am not to expect one person to be able to see all sides of me? That I only share the parts they want to see?

I am not sure I want to do that.

Hmm it is a tough one. :-\

Sachat do not worry about the late night texts. They don't bother me at all. I am glad you finally caught up and got back to HS. As for being Beast 2.0 I am certain that I do not want the Beast model at all anymore. Regardless of any upcoming upgrades and attachments.  ;) Thanks so much for your well wishes with me and KP. It means a lot.  :-*
« Last Edit: October 13, 2019, 05:35:36 AM by Mortesbride »
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #95 on: October 13, 2019, 05:48:56 AM »
I sat there musing last night about weather to send it. Didn’t want to wake you or anything. Then I figured you were smart enough to put a phone on silent or you doesn’t want to be disturbed haha! I think more than anything in this journey it’s doing what’s right for you. Whatever that is. After all it’s our life to live and weather you live it with beast KP LM JK or whosever it’s Mortes choice. As long as morte is happy that’s all that counts.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Airmid

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Re: Beauty into Beast 15
« Reply #96 on: October 13, 2019, 06:19:59 AM »
Quote
Airmid

''They are all resources- for different aspects of ourselves''.
Gah... I know what you are trying to say but that just makes me feel so cringey. Like MLCers who seek out people to use them for their needs. It feels icky and I don't like the sound of it.

Well I was speaking to a different concept.  I was not talking about sharing myself.
I was talking about recognizing your resources.
Your number one resource is yourself.
And then after that you have any number of resources.

In my case - when my mother was alive - she was my second most important resource.
She and I held the memories of our collective history.
She always had my back.
She was my source of unconditional love.
And those were just a few of the things my Mom was to me.
Are those things resources?  You bet they are.

You have a negative reaction to the word resources because to you it implies using people.
I don't see it that way at all.
I simply see that different people have different strengths.
Knowing that I have a friend who is very practical with money - and asking her for assistance with helping me to create a budget is not using my friend.  She was more than glad to help.
I didn't demand she do it - I asked her.
Obviously she could have said "no".

Resources can be people, or a job, or education.
And I don't see anything negative about having a resource.
Having oxygen in the air is a resource for humans - nothing negative about that.

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''There is no one person who can fulfil everything for us- what an awful expectation and burden to put upon one friend''.

Hmm this is interesting. I was always prone to having one or two best friends. They knew everything about me. All the good and the bad and the ugly. It creates and intense bond that lasts for a long time. But when that bond is lost then it is devastating.


In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with having one or two very close friends.
But not to the exclusion of having other friends.
Everyone has a best friend - this is normal.
But as you pointed out - if you only limit yourself to 2-3 friends - then the loss can be devastating.
You are young - so to you loss probably means the person moves, or stops being your friend.
In my case - as my friends age - it usually means death.

I have lost over a dozen friends in my life to death.
Car accidents, cancer, other fatal illnesses.
I guess I have learned the hard way that in order for me to keep surviving - my circle of friends must be cast wide.

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I reckon that is what many of us did with our MLCers right? We were married but also best friends. They were expected to fulfil everything for us. But for many of us did we not do the same?

Yes, I did this with my xH.  I didn't do it consciously.  But I had a very insular relationship with him.
And when he left - I was very much alone - because I had not invested much time or energy in outside relationships.  I had a form of co-dependency with my xH.  And co-dependent love is not the healthiest thing.

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And so what would you advise going forward? That I am not to expect one person to be able to see all sides of me? That I only share the parts they want to see?

No - that is not what I would advise at all. 
But then - as I said - my original comments were about recognizing your resources - not about sharing yourself. 
What I would say is that you can recognize that your life will encompass many people -
 and some will know you more deeply than others.
I was very close to my Grandmother when she was alive. 
But I certainly didn't discuss my sex life with her. 
So she didn't know all parts of me - but she still was someone I was very close to.
I don't think one has to share all parts of oneself with others in order to have a close bond.
If you can - that's great - but it is not a requirement.





 

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