Author Topic: My Story Reconnection... not there yet  (Read 1119 times)

Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Reconnection... not there yet
« on: September 25, 2019, 07:44:28 PM »
My last thread...
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10668.150

I changed the title of the thread!,
since the first time in the forum my thread title was "Reconnection"  because I used to see the "signs" how I wanted them to be...
Now with more knowledge about MLC and acceptance of the long road this is, I understand we are not there yet, I hope some day but I accept the possibility to not get there and I am ok with that

A summary of my journey:

September 2017. a monster is inside H, I was scared because I didn't recognize him anymore but I didn't know what was just about to come, for that time it was like a baby monster compared with the months to come...

December 2017. BD2 "I love you but..." speech

March 2018. he told me about OW, he never left home and it was like a teenager going to visit the girlfriend from 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM every day...

From June to late November 2018. brakes and backs with OW in December she sent me a message and I think that was what made him to take the decision

December 2018  to July 2019. Me working hard in myself and about H honestly I don't have a clue! I just know that he is wearing his old clothes LOL!

June 2019. He showed his head out of the tunnel for a while but a big fight with his brother and, again, disapproval of his parents... back in the tunnel

July 2019. He visited OW, just to talk ????? After that he told me to forget everything and start from zero, REALLY? Without working on it? Some of you, good friends, told me is not possible and I understand now, we cannot start if we are not finished, H his MLC and me... lots of things to fix!

Since then he is like Acorn says, "crazy uncle living here"
great relationship with D6,
we sleep together but rarely speak, just the necessary
He talk to his friends about me like everything is ok and I am his caring wife,
at home, we just share responsibilities

I am much better now hopping but not expecting and definitely getting a life.
And because for me was confusing the difference between hopping and expecting, I share what I found about it...

"Expectations are demanding. Hope isn't. Expectations often hinge you to your anticipations or speculations and in the worst case may burden you with a sense of entitlement. They often leave you broken when they are broken.
Hope, in the other hand, is like a light at the end of the tunnel, something that keeps you going through the dark. It doesn't demand, it just wishes."

"I expect myself to write a suitable explanation, I hope I have done justice to my expectations. I expect you to read it, I hope you'll like it." 😄









Yo ❤

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2019, 01:43:38 AM »
Attaching.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Cherry Blossom

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2019, 02:43:20 AM »
Attaching
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2019, 04:57:37 AM »
I love hope, we can all use a piece of that.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2019, 07:26:05 AM »
attaching
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2019, 07:31:12 AM »
Thanks UM, Cherry B, SF, Sam, for being here! ❤
Yo ❤

Offline Acorn

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2019, 07:47:06 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Yo!

Quote
Now with more knowledge about MLC and acceptance of the long road this is, I understand we are not there yet, I hope some day but I accept the possibility to not get there and I am ok with that   

This shows your growth, Yo, in my view.  Acceptance is happening, I’m happy to observe!


"Expectations are demanding. Hope isn't. Expectations often hinge you to your anticipations or speculations and in the worst case may burden you with a sense of entitlement. They often leave you broken when they are broken.
Hope, in the other hand, is like a light at the end of the tunnel, something that keeps you going through the dark. It doesn't demand, it just wishes."


I really like the above quote explaining the differences between expectations and hope. 
It’s not that difficult to mix up the two, and don’t I know it! 

If I may add to your wonderful quote, please.

Expectations focus on the future, whereas hope is current. 
Expectations hinge on another person’s actions, whereas you own hope 100%.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2019, 11:41:56 AM »
Yo-I am glad Acorn chimed in as I was thinking to suggest to you to read her old threads.

I would not be so negative. Your H has started to reconnect with you. But it's a very very slow process and there are moments when they need to disappear for a while for internal reasons as an MLCer isn't a very good multitasker.

Your H's going out reminds me a bit of how Acorn's H was booking himself to every conference around the globe he could for a while. But when she looked back, she saw this was an important part of the process that he needed to go through.

There's not a single moment when you can say you have reconnected. I would just say things improve in the relationship. Less monster, maybe less total running away from you. You can't call them normal by any stretch of the imagination, but their behavior at least becomes a little more bearable. And as Acorn points out, your attitude changes also help with that.

You are less than 2 years post-BD. This is early. I know it is a hard thing to go through, but I would say where you are in the timeline, your H is on an ok trajectory. It could be much worse than it is. I know that is not saying much considering he isn't like the man you loved and married, but for someone who is standing and wants their marriage restored, you are probably in as good a position as you could expect at this point. Keep your eyes on the positives, try to ignore or brush off the negatives, and you will be fine.

Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2019, 12:03:06 PM »
Following along Yo.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2019, 05:08:54 PM »
Following!
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), Unsure if he and OW2(PA) are still together?
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

 

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