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Author Topic: My Story Reconnection... not there yet

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My Story Reconnection... not there yet
OP: September 25, 2019, 07:44:28 PM
My last thread...
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10668.150

I changed the title of the thread!,
since the first time in the forum my thread title was "Reconnection"  because I used to see the "signs" how I wanted them to be...
Now with more knowledge about MLC and acceptance of the long road this is, I understand we are not there yet, I hope some day but I accept the possibility to not get there and I am ok with that

A summary of my journey:

September 2017. a monster is inside H, I was scared because I didn't recognize him anymore but I didn't know what was just about to come, for that time it was like a baby monster compared with the months to come...

December 2017. BD2 "I love you but..." speech

March 2018. he told me about OW, he never left home and it was like a teenager going to visit the girlfriend from 7:00 PM to 10:00 PM every day...

From June to late November 2018. brakes and backs with OW in December she sent me a message and I think that was what made him to take the decision

December 2018  to July 2019. Me working hard in myself and about H honestly I don't have a clue! I just know that he is wearing his old clothes LOL!

June 2019. He showed his head out of the tunnel for a while but a big fight with his brother and, again, disapproval of his parents... back in the tunnel

July 2019. He visited OW, just to talk ????? After that he told me to forget everything and start from zero, REALLY? Without working on it? Some of you, good friends, told me is not possible and I understand now, we cannot start if we are not finished, H his MLC and me... lots of things to fix!

Since then he is like Acorn says, "crazy uncle living here"
great relationship with D6,
we sleep together but rarely speak, just the necessary
He talk to his friends about me like everything is ok and I am his caring wife,
at home, we just share responsibilities

I am much better now hopping but not expecting and definitely getting a life.
And because for me was confusing the difference between hopping and expecting, I share what I found about it...

"Expectations are demanding. Hope isn't. Expectations often hinge you to your anticipations or speculations and in the worst case may burden you with a sense of entitlement. They often leave you broken when they are broken.
Hope, in the other hand, is like a light at the end of the tunnel, something that keeps you going through the dark. It doesn't demand, it just wishes."

"I expect myself to write a suitable explanation, I hope I have done justice to my expectations. I expect you to read it, I hope you'll like it." 😄









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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#1: September 26, 2019, 01:43:38 AM
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#2: September 26, 2019, 02:43:20 AM
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M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#3: September 26, 2019, 04:57:37 AM
I love hope, we can all use a piece of that.
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#4: September 26, 2019, 07:26:05 AM
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#5: September 26, 2019, 07:31:12 AM
Thanks UM, Cherry B, SF, Sam, for being here! ❤
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#6: September 26, 2019, 07:47:06 AM
Welcome to your new thread, Yo!

Quote
Now with more knowledge about MLC and acceptance of the long road this is, I understand we are not there yet, I hope some day but I accept the possibility to not get there and I am ok with that   

This shows your growth, Yo, in my view.  Acceptance is happening, I’m happy to observe!


"Expectations are demanding. Hope isn't. Expectations often hinge you to your anticipations or speculations and in the worst case may burden you with a sense of entitlement. They often leave you broken when they are broken.
Hope, in the other hand, is like a light at the end of the tunnel, something that keeps you going through the dark. It doesn't demand, it just wishes."


I really like the above quote explaining the differences between expectations and hope. 
It’s not that difficult to mix up the two, and don’t I know it! 

If I may add to your wonderful quote, please.

Expectations focus on the future, whereas hope is current. 
Expectations hinge on another person’s actions, whereas you own hope 100%.
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Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#7: September 26, 2019, 11:41:56 AM
Yo-I am glad Acorn chimed in as I was thinking to suggest to you to read her old threads.

I would not be so negative. Your H has started to reconnect with you. But it's a very very slow process and there are moments when they need to disappear for a while for internal reasons as an MLCer isn't a very good multitasker.

Your H's going out reminds me a bit of how Acorn's H was booking himself to every conference around the globe he could for a while. But when she looked back, she saw this was an important part of the process that he needed to go through.

There's not a single moment when you can say you have reconnected. I would just say things improve in the relationship. Less monster, maybe less total running away from you. You can't call them normal by any stretch of the imagination, but their behavior at least becomes a little more bearable. And as Acorn points out, your attitude changes also help with that.

You are less than 2 years post-BD. This is early. I know it is a hard thing to go through, but I would say where you are in the timeline, your H is on an ok trajectory. It could be much worse than it is. I know that is not saying much considering he isn't like the man you loved and married, but for someone who is standing and wants their marriage restored, you are probably in as good a position as you could expect at this point. Keep your eyes on the positives, try to ignore or brush off the negatives, and you will be fine.

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#8: September 26, 2019, 12:03:06 PM
Following along Yo.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#9: September 26, 2019, 05:08:54 PM
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Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-15 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#10: September 27, 2019, 02:55:26 PM
Thanks Acorn! You are right about the difficulty to mix the two concepts, actually in Spanish the verb to use with "I" is the same word for expectations and hope!. 😮


Expectations focus on the future, whereas hope is current.
Expectations hinge on another person’s actions, whereas you own hope 100%
.
Great!

Not your Monkey, thanks for your comments! and about your suggestion of reading Acorn's threads, I do! And has been my lifesaver more than once, I just wish to be as wise as she has been.

Keep your eyes on the positives, try to ignore or brush off the negatives, and you will be fine.

Promised

Thanks for being here PJ and Finding Joy!

And to keep with the story...
10 years ago I used to work for an association giving conferences to teenagers about healthy life, sexuality and some other things
Two weeks ago they called me again to work for this semester with them but I have to travel this monday to Mexico City for the training, just two days, I'll be back on Wednesday and I already told my boss at school and she said yes
I told H about it, D6 is going to stay with him. For the first time  D6 and me are going to be separated and maybe it sounds silly but I am sad...

At the beginning he said it was OK but last night he started to babbling about it and at the end he told me that he'll give me the money that they are going to pay me if I won't go

Is a very attractive offer, I am really tired and would be great to have more money and less work to do... 😄
But after this two years my experience tells me he is trying to manipulate me again...
I didn't know what to do, in one hand if I don't go is going to be more comfortable but I am letting his demons not just control him but me
I am going to miss D6 but with pain in my heart I have to teach her to be independent (I am sure H is a great dad, she'll be fine)

In the other hand, if I go I am taking care of myself and doing my life but is possible to have to handle a monster at home for the weekend and maybe like other times he is going to stop the process (with pain in my heart but not my business)

So I decided to go! I am going to tell him that I appreciate the offer but if he wants to help me he can do it anyway knowing that everything is going to be fine if I am not at home  for two days

If he some day wants to reconnect with me he needs constance and needs to know I can have a life and independence and if I am with him is because I love him not because I need him (of course I am not telling him this)

Besides all these, is going to be fun to see him taking care of D6 and work (what I do always), driving her to school, fixing the snack, homework, uniforms, afternoon activities, D6 jumping and speaking with no stops from 6:00 am to 10:00 pm, shower, dinner, etc.

I haven't talked to him so please let me know your thoughts so I can be sure I am making the right decision

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« Last Edit: September 27, 2019, 03:00:11 PM by Yo »
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#11: September 29, 2019, 11:43:50 AM
Attaching  :)
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#12: September 29, 2019, 07:16:09 PM
You are absolutely making the right decision to go Yo.  Your D will be fine and it will give her much needed time with her Dad.

Take some time after your day at training to take time for you, have a spa bath, massage and generally just find time for you for a change.
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#13: September 30, 2019, 10:42:17 AM
Hi Yo, I hope you are in Mexico City.  If you are, enjoy! 
Being away from an MLC environment is refreshing.   I’m speaking from experience.

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Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#14: September 30, 2019, 02:19:48 PM
Already in the airport!

H made it difficult since yesterday when D6 reminded him about the trip, I guess he didn't think I was to come.
At the end he offered to drive me to the airport, when we arrived to the front door I said thank you and he left...

Well... I am on my way, ready to learn and take a brake for the first time!
I already miss D6 but I know she'll be fine.

Thanks SF and Acorn ❤


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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#15: October 06, 2019, 03:28:57 PM
Hola!

Same old stuff, H in the tunnel and me reacting without thinking.
This week H is letting me know where he is if he is not to be back at the usual time, today he cooked lunch for the three of us, but he is still not talking to me and if I talk to him he looks at me with hate and answers in a very rude way.

Yesterday I had a fall, a friend of my sent me a text that explained how to ignore, disregard, not talk, were agression against the couple and some other things in the text that triggered all the bad stuff I have been living the last two years

I didn't think, I just reacted and told H that I was tired and I didn't want this anymore, I asked him what kind of money arrangement he was willing to make in order to know what options I had. Everything in a very calm way from my side

He was really upset but he just said that he didn't want to talk, that maybe in another time.

As I said today he cooked for us but is the same story, I know that MLC'ers are not coherent but I really would like to understand why he wants me whit him if he is uncomfortable with me around, I am sorry, I guess I am acting like new but I am in one of those days...
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#16: October 06, 2019, 10:35:15 PM
We all need a break from their insanity at times Yo, they are exhausting.

Give him the silent treatment as well or get out of his way.  MLCers act like such children, although most children are much nicer than any MLCer.
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#17: October 07, 2019, 09:29:35 AM
MLCers act like such children, although most children are much nicer than any MLCer.

Definitely! Thanks Savoir Faire
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#18: October 07, 2019, 09:56:04 AM
O well, no more talking to him for a while then.  One does not repeat any performance that got you disrespect.  Leave him alone to sulk all by himself. 

You’ve had your say, now it’s back to cool, calm and collected.  Right, Yo?
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Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#19: October 07, 2019, 10:43:13 AM
Hola!

Same old stuff, H in the tunnel and me reacting without thinking.
This week H is letting me know where he is if he is not to be back at the usual time, today he cooked lunch for the three of us, but he is still not talking to me and if I talk to him he looks at me with hate and answers in a very rude way.


Sometimes these MLCers seem like they hate us but it's not about us at all. Last night I asked my H if he wanted me to prepare dinner as soon as he got home and he agreed. Well, between then and me serving dinner, he talked to MIL. He was complaining about some problem he had with someone at his clinic I think but it definitely was not about me. Then he told me he didn't want dinner now, and later when I asked again if he wanted to eat he just gave me a dirty look, didn't answer, and left the room. I just said good night, put the food away and left it at that. It was clear that his mother had agitated him in some way. And I could imagine your H's attitude has nothing to do with you, but seems like it is directed at you.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#20: October 07, 2019, 10:55:47 AM
YO-
Wow! This is echoing my life a bit. Although my H did move out after I asked him to given he didn't want to end contact with the OW and he had repeatedly told me ILYBINILWY and that "we don't have a future."

Two years since he left. I worked steadily on myself. He came back at the very end of April 2019, stayed until the middle of August the cut and ran again. This time his excuse was that his adult children don't like me, and "we don't have a future."  The more I read, the more I think he's starting to make steps out of the tunnel, but isn't all the way out.  We did have a pleasant evening last night, just doing a shared activity and having a meal. He lingered for a while before heading to his apartment. Ordinarily, I would have made an attempt at physical contact, but I just smiled, and told him I hope he enjoys his work week.

Since leaving again, he has filled every single weekend with work. He's traveling all over the country teaching. Running again, but I think this is a normal part of the process and he needs to do it. He has been asking me my thoughts and feelings, which is a bit disconcerting, because I don't actually know where he is in the tunnel and what is too much or too little to share. It's like, on one hand, he wants to connect, and on the other he is so scared of something (rejection? hurt? his own insecurities? unhappiness?) that he allows that to control him and away he goes.*Sigh*

While this second time leaving has been very hard, I am working on living my life. I've dug into the content here. I've planned trips with friends, doing projects on the house, and in general, being happy doing what I like to do. I do get lonely at times as I miss my H and step-children, but what can you do?
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#21: October 07, 2019, 11:21:45 AM

Sometimes these MLCers seem like they hate us but it's not about us at all.


This has been my experience as well.  He told me this almost verbatim when I asked him why he hated me.  He also added that he hated himself.

Of course, this statement did not stop him from looking at me with utter dislike and revulsion which made me shiver as if someone walked on my grave.   That look was directed at me consistently over a long period - Replay.  I learned to ignore it because it was so insane.  What did I ever do to be at the receiving end of such disgust?  Nothing.  I was just the ‘whipping boy’ of his emotional turmoil.  The easiest target.
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« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 11:25:28 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#22: October 13, 2019, 10:24:54 AM
Thanks Acorn, NYM and Surviving for your comments always something important and useful in each of them! ❤

Something happened this week... I wasn't talking too much but reading your advices I decided to talk less, just the necessary
H started to talk, the first day was just about superficial matters and each day it has been more interesting, some times is like before BD, not my thinking, I know he is not cooked yet, but in a very relaxed way, his eyes and body language, kind of cautious from both sides but nice, I mean nice because without the necessity of being quiet because we have to or the obligation of thinking everything before talking, is like a brake of this madness, like a brake to get strength to keep going
Not a word about us, about what happened or what is going to be, just enjoying the talk
He is not anxious and that makes me feel relaxed when he is around
Last night he came home later than he use to, just one hour but it felt like a very long hour...of course I had bad thoughts for a while but as soon as he came home he started to tell me everything about his evening, and I am happy about it because I realized he has his old friends back and they are embracing him like he hadn't abandoned them

Almost all the talk is about him but right now is something that he needs, to be fair I have had a lot more blessings so to listen to him with love doesn't hurt

Don't worry my friends! I know this can be just a moment, I really do! I hope it is the beginning of another stage but I am prepared to be by myself if is necessary

I am starting this week giving the conferences of the Mexico City training, it is good because I am going to be busy and because as you know, the person that learns the most when you teach is you! And this cycle is about bullying, something that we, LBSs know about 🥴


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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#23: October 14, 2019, 03:15:06 AM
Allowing them to talk is a really great idea.  You will find out so much more than when asking questions.  You are doing so well, never easy with a recovering MLCer around.
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"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#24: October 17, 2019, 07:34:57 AM
Thanks Savoir Faire, you are right, never easy!

H is back to not talking to much, at least he is not completely quite as last months but he is mad again, I cannot imagine how much hurt he has inside, and I really feel sorry for him

I started to read again old threads and some information about letting go, sometimes I feel like I am in to him (secretly) more than I should so I have to work a lot more in me.

I don't have to much time because of my job, in one hand is ok because I am busy but sometimes I would like to read more and come more to the forum, I need it.

And talking about my job, I have the opportunity to take full time next year if I want to, that can give me the economic freedom to leave if is necessary, I am sure he is not going to, but that doesn't mean he is going to be out of the tunnel sometime, so I have to be prepare to have the best for D6 and for myself

I have noticed that lately I talk about me a lot! The word I is written a lot! I feel guilty because I am not reading other threads or showing I care to other members of the forum but in other hand I guess this is a moment of thinking about myself. Anyway writing this is a way of apologizing so the guilt is there. Maybe care to much about others is part of my personality or maybe is something I should work with...

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#25: October 17, 2019, 07:58:09 AM
Yo,

A big part of the LBS healing and taking control of their lives is to start focusing a bit more on ourselves, our needs/wants, our health, our happiness.  The majority of us spent an awful lot of time focusing on our Mid-Lifers for the years leading up to BD and the aftermath thereof so it is only normal that focusing on ourselves is a bit of a shock sometimes and can induce a bit of guilt...

But it is a necessary and important step.  The difference between the LBS self-focus and the Mid-Lifer self focus is that the LBS sees it in context of their world whereas the Mid-Lifer couldn't care less about the world around them as long as they are getting their jollies....
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#26: October 18, 2019, 11:32:31 AM
Thanks UrsaMajor! ☀️
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#27: November 07, 2019, 07:34:51 PM
Hola!

H started to talk last week, mostly about him, but at least talking...
Last monday everything changed, it was my birthday and as good LBS I wasn't expecting anything but early in the morning he gave me a hug, said Happy birthday and gave me money to buy anything I wanted
In the afternoon I went to my mother's to celebrate with my brothers and their family, I didn't tell H because since BD I always invited him and he always said no so I stopped asking a few months ago

When he found out, he started to monster again, I think that maybe because
- I didn't need him to enjoy my birthday
- he doesn't have a caring family like mine
- I was not waiting for him to.come home as always

I had to work in my self esteem again because he really said ugly things, it hurts...
But hurts more to see him suffer the way he is

One of the things that he has been mentioning when he is monsterish  (I believe I just invented that word) is that he is not going to go to my family Christmas party, like if I was expecting him to go! But this last time he said that he had no other place to go that day, I think he is worried because this year is our turn with his kids

Today I followed my intuition and during lunch I told him that my brothers included him and the kids in the Christmas plans, that I wasn't asking if he would like to go, just saying for him to know, he said that wasn't true because they didn't care about him, so I told him that he should start to believe that people care about him and even love him because who he is and that they think about him and his kids as part of the family as always (which is true) he didn't answer, he just cried

I think he needed to feel a little bit of love, let's see what he does with that, I hope embrace it but I don't expect
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#28: November 07, 2019, 09:11:31 PM
Not much to say about your situation other than to say you are not alone. Your H sounds like he is in a similar place to where mine is right now.

This might give you a laugh if you have seen the movie Ocean's 12 before. It's kind of depicts how I feel about dealing with a H who is going into the depression stage:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wnEuOJg_dA

The MLCer is the lasers.


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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#29: November 07, 2019, 09:21:01 PM
NYM I laughed a lot! I feel exactly like that! Loved it!
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#30: November 07, 2019, 11:36:00 PM
Belated Happy Birthday yo!!

I love that your H cried.  shows there is some feeling in there again.  He is still cooking though ::)
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http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#31: November 08, 2019, 06:23:40 AM
Thank you Savoir Faire! 💕
And about H, oven closed!
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#32: November 08, 2019, 12:37:58 PM
Holaso I told him that he should start to believe that people care about him and even love him because who he is and that they think about him and his kids as part of the family as always (which is true) he didn't answer, he just cried

I think he needed to feel a little bit of love, let's see what he does with that, I hope embrace it but I don't expect

Yes! Yes! Yes! I have said this to mine too and he always cries. Definitely not done cooking. It does sounds like ours are in similar spots. For me, it’s hard to see him in so much emotional turmoil. I have to remind myself that I can’t fix him or fix that pain for him.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#33: November 10, 2019, 09:07:06 AM
You are right Surviving! We cannot fix them!

Just maybe one nice comment occassionally can make them feel a little bit better in the middle of all their chaos

I remember last year I told H once that he should live with OW to know if they really work together (I don't know why I did that but luckily the outcome was good) the point is that around last December, months later, he told me that the comment made him think that ow was not what he wanted for his life and then I realized that not everything around them is a fantasy and some times they are able to count what we say or do

Of course everybody is different and what works for some maybe not for others, I guess the thing is to not expect they are going to be fixed because something we said or do, the porpoise is to give them something nice in the middle of all their ugly things, and just some times, to not make them feel pushed

Is like when a worker has a bonus, it happens maybe twice a year and the company is not expecting the worker expend the money in the company, is just to give them a brake and make them work better because they feel better...



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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#34: November 17, 2019, 02:09:58 PM
Hi Yo,  I'm new to your story but we have similar timelines.  I also feel that my h are maybe reconnecting, but are not there yet.  He always used to be so talkative... now he is very quiet.  Sounds like that may be part of the process.  Living with an MLCer is very difficult to say the least.  My emotions are cycling and I'm trying to keep them under control.  They are in no position to be the strong, sane ones in these relationships so it is up to the LBS.  That is no easy feat.  I'm following along on your journey now.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#35: November 17, 2019, 07:01:59 PM
Hola DaybyDay! I am glad to have you here!

You are right, we have similar timelines, and right, is difficult to live with them and keep our emotions in control.

My H has already almost a year quiet, he cycles in the communication part but is quiet most of the time, some times I am desperate and tell him that would be better to be separated at least for a while but is like a very distressing situation for him and he becomes aggressive because of the fear so I have been hanging

The detachment part has been very difficult, I have had some progress but very slow
And about the part that we are reconnecting is kind of confusing, I have read that the fact they aren't with OP anymore is not a sign that they are out of Replay, we both have just around two years in this so maybe is soon to think we are near reconnection, who knows

Is very refreshing to know we are not alone, thanks for follow my thread and I'll be following yours so we can cheer, learn, and more, one of each other

Hard season is coming being with a MLCer so we need to be strong for us and our kids!

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#36: December 21, 2019, 08:24:30 AM
Hola!

Difficult season for the heart, for LBS but I believe much more for MLC'ers,
we have to struggle with the abandonment of our H or W from maybe months or two or five years but they have to struggle with the abandonment of their mother or father in different ways from their childhood

I am not saying our struggle is less important, I know is painful, but at least ours is an adult's issue and theirs is a children's one

We have to go through this days without our beloved partner missing those times of love and sharing, with more time to think because some of us are in winter break of work, is not nice! But they have to go through this time living and feeling again as a scared and lonely child

I am generalizing because I believe MLC is directly related with childhood issues and family matters some how

H is struggling with this and the need to get his kids back, he made a lot of MLC things during the past two years so his children don't want to spend the holidays with him and in his desperation he keeps doing more mistakes sometimes
Our D6 has been less affected because since last Christmas H reconnected with her and has proven how much he loves her, but she always is trying to protect his dad feelings like she knows he is the fragile one, sometimes it hurts because she only sees that I am more detached of him but she doesn't understand why, of course I don't let her know how many times he has been and sometimes he still is a jerk with me

Christmas celebration is very important in my family, we celebrate it in my mother's home with a house full of people and love,
H would have to face the guilt of what he has done (because last year my brothers found out about OW) he would have to face the fact that despite this they love him (to much for him because his own family doesn't) and face the issue with his kids. Honestly I think he is not ready, still to much for him

I am fine, and as soon this season is over I'll be better, I just hope to have the strength to stand because most of the time I fell the desire to quit

Anyway let's celebrate and be thankful of what we have that is a lot!

Feliz Navidad

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#37: December 21, 2019, 09:49:03 AM
Hola, Yo!

Glad to hear from you. 

I, too, think that childhood/family of origin issues are at the centre of midlife crisis.  I am not referring to what LBS theorizes the FOO issues might be for MLCer’s dis-ease, but what MLCers themselves have told their spouses as to the cause of it.  Your H obviously shared the nature of his issues.  That is a good start. Since you cannot take away your H’s troubled childhood and his crisis stemming from it, the only course of action for you is to get on with your life and leave him alone to resolve (or not) his issues.  You are doing this, I am happy to note!  :)

Wishing you a wonderful time with your family over the joyous season.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#38: December 21, 2019, 08:10:07 PM
Thanks Acorn! Happy holidays and congratulations for your anniversary! ❤
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#39: December 22, 2019, 03:22:19 AM
Hi Yo, I'm attaching to your thread.  I love how you explained expectations verses hope.  I struggle with both after 6+ years of standing. 

I'm very interested in reconnection and how it looks.  Trying to figure out if husband and I are reconnecting or something different.  Time will tell.

Along for the ride.
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“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#40: December 22, 2019, 10:38:21 AM
Thanks for follow Yellowrose!
I read your last posts in your thread and seems like you have a lot of doubts same as me! I don't know what stage we are in but definitely is the more difficult, others stages were more painful but at least I knew were I was standing at, now I don't really know anything!
H is trying to get his kids back, reconnecting with our D6 or maybe even rebuilding with her, he is really sweet with our dogs and cat, but with me is like ???? I don't even know what to write about that...

He doesn't speak, or try anything related about me, is just good morning, thank you and good night but is a big trigger for him if we don't have lunch together or sleep together
Is like he is out of the fog but when I am in the scenery the fog in his head automatically comes back

Yellowrose your H is more like trying with you, if I may say, maybe you should be a little more available if you have the strength to have no expectations and just enjoy the help he offers or the invitations through your D, I know is scary to be disappointed again but if you are not open to it, how are you going to know what is he trying to do or get?
I dare to say this because you still love him!

Remember I have just a couple of years in this matter so my words maybe are not the best to follow, is just an opinion with all my love and good intentions

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#41: December 23, 2019, 08:36:11 AM
Yo, thank you so much for responding.  I have let fear keep me immobilized. I just don't know if I'm strong enough.  Husband moves slow but I may be slower. I'm not recognizing his language (intent).

Someone said they reconnect with the children first.  I see that I'm my own life.  So glad your D6 have the enjoyment of her father. 

Really wish we could find info on the reconnecting stage.  I feel like I'm in the dark again.
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“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#42: December 30, 2019, 09:01:00 AM
Hola!

The year is ending and almost everyone is expecting 2020 be better of course...

I am fine but exhausted and worried about D6, I said in my last posts that H is reconnecting with her but he still monsters at me sometimes, mostly when he feels I am not there like I was before, he loose control and doesn't pay attention if D6 is there to see how her sweet daddy yells at me and says ugly things
I don't know if is because of this but she is having situations with other kids, she let her friends bullying her and does nothing, she just cries
Maybe is a kids thing, but maybe she is following patterns
I gave birth to her when I was 45 years old and she is my only child, I have to make a strong, independent woman out of her because I'll be old when she is going to be in her best years

She is really smart, the best of her class! A beautiful blue eyes sweet girl, great in sports and animal lover... is a must! to make her strong.

So I decided to move out of home, now I have the opportunity to ask for full time at work and that will help to rent a better place to live, that way we would be calm and she wouldn't see H brakes
I let H know my intentions and he lost control and started yelling at her that I didn't love him and he was sick (well... he is! Mind sick) she didn't know what to do, she started to beg me to love him and cried desperately
I explained to her later that H is the love of my life but he has to fix some things to be happy and if I give him space would be easier for him
and I do believe this would give H space to live his process deeper (sometimes I think he is in a comfort zone, he has everything, so no hurry to face anything) anyway is his crisis, nothing I can do about and if he comes out and I really am the love of his life, he will try to fix M, if he doesn't... better sooner than later

I am leaving home but still a stander, hopping but not expecting

I would like to have your comments about it, is something I decided but doubts are all over my head



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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#43: December 30, 2019, 02:05:27 PM
Yo, I feel for you and your D6 to have this situation in your life (a live-in MLC H, who monsters at you at times) and such a difficult decision to make.  I've liked your recent posts, e.g. the compassion you have shown for MLCers and what they went through in childhood and that it is easier for us to go through it now ourselves since we are adults. 

On the one hand, I do see in what you write that your H is reconnecting with his daughter and your pets, so he seems to be following the typical order of reconnection.  He also seems to still love you since he gets upset when you two don't eat together or sleep in the same bed.

On the other hand, I totally understand and like that you are drawing a boundary, that you are not be talked to and treated the way he does at times and that you want your daughter to grow up in a peaceful home.

I would take the decision that feels best to you and D6, without considering your H's crisis.  It is hard to know what impact your moving out would have on your MLCer.  If you do move out, I would reassure him that he is the love of your life and that you have faith in him to overcome this.

I would try to let my intuition guide me in that decision.  Please know, though, that I am in a very different situation - my H moved out in 2015 and our divorce is just around the corner. Those who are in the reconnection stage or have reconciled could probably give you a more insightful response.

Wishing you lots of strength and a clear vision, and a very happy 2020.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#44: December 30, 2019, 04:20:38 PM
Yo, I'm really sorry that your D6 is having to witness your H's crisis. I do think you're right to remove her from it by moving out. I like Puzzled's suggestions, too.

It might be an idea to let your H know why you are moving out, and maybe you already have done. I'm very sorry for your little girl who wishes you would just stay with your H. That's what all our kids want. However, with your H being so difficult at this time and yelling at you in front of her, it is not a good lesson for your girl's future. Maybe you already have, but I would tell your D exactly why you want to remove both of you from the family home at this point.

I hope that your new home will be very peaceful. I would bet all I have that it will be a warm, safe place for both of you. I think that is very important for our children. I imagine you will let your H see your D as much as he wants and that will help your D feel that she is not losing her father. You are just making sure that your H understands that he must respect you, and that he can't mistreat you in front of your D, who has no control of what is said between you and your H.

I do think your H still loves you, though, but some good strong boundaries might do him some good.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#45: December 31, 2019, 12:42:24 PM
Thank you so much Puzzle and Milly!

I already let him know he is the love of my life but the reason of my decision is that I am not let anobody to treat me with no respect and I want D6 to have a good example and give her a peaceful environment to grow up

He asked me to spend new year's celebration with him, and I said yes but I am still firm about moving out
He is trying to excuse some things he has done by saying I prefer to be with my family and I explain back that for the last two years I have been expecting him to count me in his plans but now I am not anymore, even if I would like him to do it, so I am going to enjoy the people who cares about me
I don't really know if he listens what I say, maybe not, but at least I try to explain my behavior and decisions don't have anything to do with the love I still feel for him

Anyway, let's celebrate this great year of learning and prepare ourselves for a 2020 full of blessings

Happy New year friends!
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#46: January 01, 2020, 12:15:37 PM
I really like how you are thinking and acting, Yo. Happy New Year.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#47: January 04, 2020, 04:52:03 AM
I also think your husband loves you. But like most he's double-minded (aka confused).  Distance and time is a gift to lbs, so hopefully it a gift for your hubby. 

Not sure how far you're in this journey but the stronger and farther I am from BD the less crap I take from anyone.  I think once we realize we survived the un-survivable and the fear is not so overwhelming a different person emerges. Perhaps the new stronger you is what your husband is trying to wrap his MLC head around.  While he remains in a weak MLC mindset 😢. But the love is there.

Excited about your new place and so so so so so so so proud of you!!!!!!!!

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******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#48: January 04, 2020, 01:57:36 PM
Milly and Yellowrose thank you so much!
 I wish the tears we cried in 2019 water the seeds we are planting for 2020!

And I have some news...
We spend new year's eve together, we were having dinner, H, D6 and me and his cousins called to invited us to their party, his aunt told him that his parents weren't there so he could have a nice time, we decided to go and indeed we have a great time! I tried to hang with the girls and have fun without thinking in how he felt but at 12 when everybody were saying happy new year and hugging he came and gave me a hug, I don't know why I kissed him and from that moment everything changed
Since that moment he have been acting like the old H, joking, talking, sharing, asking me... really? Just when I decided to move on!!!?

I don't know if he is really trying or is because he just doesn't want me to leave

The difference is that now we have talked about things that have happened during this MLC time, he has been bringing the talk to the table and asking questions, I like that he is firm with his point of view, he is not soft trying to go along with it, but open to my point of view

I could be more specific about the talks but I really don't want to bored you

The point is that this situation has made me have second thoughts about moving out, I am still looking for a nice place but slower than last week

Yellowrose, don't be that proud of me 🙈, I don't really know what to do 😬
Milly I could use some of you strength and optimism, you are number 1 for it!
And Puzzle, thanks again for wishing me clear vision! I need it more than ever!

Lets see what happens, in the meantime Happy New Year my friends! ❤

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#49: January 06, 2020, 02:51:05 AM
Yo, I'm very happy for your New Year's Eve! I love hearing about your hug and kiss and especially that it lead to your H wanting to talk. I would love to hear what he said, you would not bore me.

Good idea to hold on a minute on moving out. You know you have that option if it comes to it.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#50: January 22, 2020, 03:03:38 PM
Hola!
 Thanks Milly! ❤

Updating...

Seems like H is still trying, he talks much more, everything about him! but talking if we see the half of the glass filled.
Most of the talk is about the gym, we are trying to be consistent in our workout and healthy lifestyle but separately,  we are out of each ones gym at the same hour so when we come home we have dinner together and talk about what we did, well... he talks and I listen, sometimes he asks me questions and when I answered he is like not listening and starts with his story again 😕

I have seen small changes though, well not small but slow....

If he gets home first, he fixes dinner for me too, helps a lot with things I usually do, is patient and super tolerant if I forget or miss something, and he has been respectful all the time

He has been working in the issue about me having a great relationship with my family (he acts like is ok with it but I sense he doesn't feel it yet)

This time is different from others touch and go because he has been gradual with his changes and once he is there is consistent, is too early to know if is reconnection but I wanted to write it down because maybe can be helpful in a future to know were we are standing by
What I need to work in is the fact that I still hope to listen out of his mouth that he is sorry or maybe just talk about the last year ugly events, and, that more often than I should I expect him to ask me to date him (we are ok at home but he hasn't asked me to go out with him)

Anyway touch and go or reconnection I keep doing my life... I am enjoying my job more than ever, this week I start horse riding again, planning a ladies group therapy about expectations and relationships of any kind (interesting that a psychologist coworker asked me to start the group with her) and the most important, enjoying D6 and trying to be a better me to give her a good example


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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#51: February 14, 2020, 11:30:13 AM
Hola!
Another touch and go! We are in the go right now...

After new year's H everything went right but around two weeks ago he started to be rude and bossy again

D6 started to have situations at school, first I thought she was being bullied but I found out she was taking things too personally and the things that were happening were kids things, so I talked to her to let her know that if she does something to defend herself her father and I wouldn't be mad about it but she told me that she didn't want to because the girls wouldn't be her friends anymore

Immediately came to my mind... if I was allowing things from H why she wouldn't from friends? If she was afraid of losing their friendship, maybe I was allowing because of the fear of losing H?

So I talked to him last Sunday morning about R (maybe I knew what the outcome would be) and told him that we should go with someone to help (therapy) and of course, the conversation started gradually to heat and he ended monstering (I don't know if this is a word but I am sure you know what I mean)
Long story short, we are in my mother's house since Sunday night

Since the first day she have had very good days at school, she already told them what she likes and what she doesn't so they can be respectful with her (mature from a 7 years old)

I am sad but calm, actually today is my first sad day, maybe because Saint valentine's day

I realized that I was permitting because I thought we could have more chances to reconnect living together, so unconscious I was expecting!

H went backwards apparently after this, one day he is crying all day long, the other day he is super angry, today he is indifferent, all mood changes he can have, thank God just with me, with D he is sweet, he picks her up from school, and if they are not together they are on the phone...

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#52: February 14, 2020, 11:45:49 AM
I stopped writing the last post because I had a situation with my car, I called H to ask him the phone number of the guy that fixes our cars

H offered to pick me up from the car shop and asked me if I could help him in the vet (I wanted it so bad! I really miss the vet!) I am worried because the car thing is going to be expensive but he told me that everything is going to be ok and WE will pay for it
We came home to have lunch (he didn't ask, just did it) and he was polite
Sad, mad, indifferent, nice... Are we missing an emotion? Just to be prepared 😂😂😂
H is taking a nap and I am writing...

We are going to pick D up at school and then D and I go back to my mother's

Pray for me to be strong
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#53: February 14, 2020, 11:11:30 PM
At this moment my biggest desire is to detach completely of so many things, I just want to be in peace without thinking and enjoy life as it comes

Yesterday H was telling me how bad he was tired of being responsible (so in Replay) and today he wanted to take care of my car expenses, worried about D to eat healthy and buying breakfast for me and fixing lunch so I can rest

how can we be just spectators when we have a taste of what we wanted the most?
Big deal to stay detached! Working hard on it but without great results
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#54: February 18, 2020, 09:11:13 PM
Hola!

I don't know if I am doing the correct things, is so difficult!

I was thinking that maybe H was in a comfort zone because as soon I left he started to change
We have been seeing at each other because my car situation and because D, I know is an excuse for me, don't really know if he is doing the same but we have shared more time together than when I was at home
He is planning that WE are going to sell my car and WE are going to get a new one but he hasn't asked me to come back

He cries all day long when I am with him but doesn't say a word, I just ask "are you ok?" but he doesn't talk about it so I don't insist
I sense that he is starting to realize what he has done but don't know to what point, maybe just what he has done to D

I don't know if I should keep hanging with him to be present in his life and making feel he is not alone or stay a little bit more separated so he doesn't feel in the comfort zone again

I don't know if I should stay in my mother's home or take this as a long term change and look for a house for me and D

Our clothes are still at home and that is making us feel this situation is not defined...

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#55: February 19, 2020, 06:15:00 AM

I don't know if I should keep hanging with him to be present in his life and making feel he is not alone or stay a little bit more separated so he doesn't feel in the comfort zone again

I don't know if I should stay in my mother's home or take this as a long term change and look for a house for me and D

Dear Yo, you do what’s best for your and D’s emotional health. There is nothing you can do for him.  You cannot MAKE him feel this way or that.  He chooses his feelings and attitude.  Either he helps himself or not.  It’s not in your hands.  You cannot fix him.

((((HUGS))))
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#56: February 19, 2020, 07:47:39 AM

I don't know if I should keep hanging with him to be present in his life and making feel he is not alone or stay a little bit more separated so he doesn't feel in the comfort zone again

I don't know if I should stay in my mother's home or take this as a long term change and look for a house for me and D

Dear Yo, you do what’s best for your and D’s emotional health. There is nothing you can do for him.  You cannot MAKE him feel this way or that.  He chooses his feelings and attitude.  Either he helps himself or not.  It’s not in your hands.  You cannot fix him.

((((HUGS))))

Acorn is quite right, wise words.
Do you think that seeing him more or less for a few weeks will help you figure out your next steps, Yo?
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#57: February 19, 2020, 07:57:18 AM
Hola Yo,

Being left in Limbo (which you are) between your mom's house and where H is (which I understand is where your clothes are as well) is NOT a nice place to be.  It takes a toll on both you and D.

The thing is, is that you have ZERO control over H's emotional well-being.   to me, it sounds as if H is making plans that are including the "we" factor but failing to take "we" into account when actually LIVING. He wants to sell your car and then get you a new one? He is emotional but doesn't want to talk about it (with you) while you are there at the house with him?

How is that affecting YOU though and YOUR emotional health? What about D and HER emotional health?  Will having a solid roof over your head make things easier for you both, regardless if H is there or not?

I really can't give you a firm "do this" piece of advice but I can say that your priority needs to be on YOUR health (emotionally, mentally, physically) and D's... H is going to have to deal with his own issues. on his time frame.

Yeah, you can "be there" for him but he is going to have to do the heavy lifting. You can be supportive but it is NOT your crisis or problem to fix, it is his.... and he is going to have to take the steps needed to solve it.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#58: February 19, 2020, 05:07:11 PM
Thanks Acorn, Treasur and UM! ❤

Your questions and statements gave me another perspective

I am going to take it easy, actually I am better than I thought!
I don't know if I am really detaching finally or is because he has been present but the fact is that I sleep like a baby, and I don't feel the need to call him or text him, maybe because he has been doing it
Who knows... but I am ok and the most important thing, D is happy and learning!

Thank you very much my friends!
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#59: February 20, 2020, 01:38:19 PM
Hola, Yo, can't give any additional advice that hasn't already been given. Seems like your H might be having an awakening, as in realizing one or more of the things he's lost. Doesn't necessarily mean the crisis will be over, but does sound like he's realizing stuff.

I would take it easy as you suggest. Don't make any major decisions right now. When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Do what makes you comfortable for now. Would you be able to move into your mother's in a temporarily-permanent way for now?

I have a girlfriend from Barcelona here in Italy. Her H is going through a Mid life transition, hopefully it doesn't become a crisis. She can't speak English so can't come on the forum but she always sends me messages that start with 'Hola!' You remind me of her.
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#60: February 20, 2020, 09:10:52 PM
Hola Milly!
Thanks for your message!

Definitely staying in my mother's is not going to be permanent, my father was the best father but raised old Latin fashion, so my mother at her 80's is living her life for the first time so I am not going to invade her space
She is really sweet and caring and has made us feel loved, I know we can stay here as long as we need but I would like to have our own house if is needed

But as I said, I am going to take it easy.

Today we went to pick D up from school as the rest of  the week (H idea) and then we went to do other things, he played and jocked around like he used, it was a nice family time!
He told me that a friend visited him and they were talking about being responsible and honest, that this friend looks old but in peace and that he told him that working hard and taking care of his family gave him a good life and have a good sleep, he ended the talk saying that he doesn't sleep well (I wonder why! 😂)

When I was at my mother's I received a message from him telling me he was going to have a beer with his old friends for a couple of hours

Definitely a good day! Lets pray for more like this...

Milly if you think that is pertinent you can give your girlfriend my e-mail so we can be in touch, I am nobody to advise her but having someone to listen that is in a similar situation can help.

Send you hugs!

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#61: February 21, 2020, 02:10:22 AM
Yo, thank you so much for offering to help my Spanish friend. I will ask her.
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#62: March 02, 2020, 08:24:50 PM
Hola!

I am still at my mother's house, but talking and hanging a lot more with H than when I was at home (since BD).

Some times I still doubt if I did the right thing going out of home, not because of H, MLC or me, just because of D, she misses her father and to be honest he has been a great dad from the last months

I don't know how much H has worked with his family issues or if he has worked at all, but I believe he has to, in order to be completely out of the tunnel. I really hope so for his own sake

He has been respectful, sweet, caring...
He calls every morning to see how are we and invites me to have lunch with him at home, then we go together to pick D up from school but...
He hasn't asked me to come back home maybe he is processing or maybe he knows what it takes to have us back and is not ready for it

I am ok, in hold for the moment but with a lot more control of my feelings and actions and that feels good...


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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#63: March 03, 2020, 01:28:57 AM
Hola Yo,

Maybe then the break was good for YOU to get a handle on your own feelings and allow you room to breathe off of H's Rollercoaster.

What would it take from H to get you to go back? Would he have to ask you? Why do you think he might "know" what it will take for you to come back (there is a BIG danger of ASS-U-ME here - trust me, men are no more mind-readers than women are).
How is D feeling about the situation as it is? You noted that she misses her F a lot and that H is behaving more like a F than he was for a while.

Maybe it is time to ask him about his family? Keep the R between you and he off the table but the "How is mama?" kind of question (giving him an opening to talk if he wishes?

Just a couple of ideas....

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#64: March 03, 2020, 10:09:48 PM
Thanks UM! I followed your advice and brought his family conversation to the table, I just asked, as you said, how are your parents doing? And he answer with a question, "why are you asking that?" with a bad attitude, but I really left R to a side and that made me have the courage to keep talking without fear of his reaction
so I told him that I was asking because maybe working with his parents issues would be the solution to a lot of his problems, and I guess he felt my confidence and even thought he didn't answer, his face changed to a smoother way
I closed the conversation with a "you don't need to have a relationship with them (because I know them), just work on it", and I changed the topic

I can't do anything else for him, is his crisis, his issues, his life, so I just hope an outside view (my comments) can at least make him think in the possibility

Why do you think he might "know" what it will take for you to come back (there is a BIG danger of ASS-U-ME here - trust me, men are no more mind-readers than women are).


You are right, but I can't just come back without an invitation, and I truly believe that in the middle of all his mess he can understand now why we left
When it happened I told him that my love for him was the same but I wanted D learned to not allow anybody to be disrespectful  to her being an example to her (she was there when he said ugly things to me  the last time)




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#65: March 03, 2020, 10:34:17 PM
Is it worth considering the situation looking at it from the opposite end, Yo?
So less about him and more about you and your daughter? In a very practical way.

Bc right now it feels as if you are waiting for something from him? And more concerned about his head and his parental issues than the practical reality of your living situation? (Which is a kind of R talk tbh, might have been better to reply less honestly and said something like 'oh I was just wondering how they are'.....no poking or telling him what he should be doing/thinking is better bc it is just more pressure and he will see it as a kind of criticism) And tbh, how he thinks about his parental issues....or not....is probably not your priority right now whereas how you and your daughter are living is. Anything else gives away your power to things you can't control imho.

Better to focus on what you can. Less asking him; more informing him of YOUR decisions and next steps. Is he still having an affair, Yo? And why are you still in so much contact with him if you moved out? Do you consider yourself separated now? Does he act as if you are? Do you?

Legally and financially and practically, what are your options right now?
Why did you leave? Why do you need an 'invitation' to return to what i assume is your jointly-owned marital home? Why shouldn't he leave? Have you taken L advice on your options? Do you feel safer/happier living away from him? Does your daughter? (Sorry, can't remember how old she is)

At a simple level, if the current pattern is not working for you, figure out your options and try something different perhaps.

The heart of it is probably about why you left. And what has changed bc you did.
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« Last Edit: March 03, 2020, 10:41:54 PM by Treasur »
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#66: March 04, 2020, 05:11:59 PM
Treasur thank you very much! These are a lo of questions and each one made me think a lot!!!!

You are right with the opinion that I was waiting something from him! Maybe not for me but for himself but at the end is expecting too.

Thank God I am ok in the financial situation, he has been supportive in that matter always, some times more than others but always been there for that
BUT I know that everything can happen in MLC land and he can change that too,
and in that case I would be covered too, the business is on my name, everything belongs to me, legally, no sharing property or separate property (I don't know the correct way to say it), and I have a very good job with a lot of benefits like medical care, food vouchers, half  time, good pay... maybe is not nice for me to say but I am kind of good at it so because I almost always have new jobs offers, my bosses spoil me 😄

So I guess my only problem is me! I have putted others before me and plus attachment and expectations my focus is not in the right place
Lot of work to do!
I guess that is the beauty of life! We never end growing

D is 7 and is hyperactive thank God! So she keeps me trying to be a better person always,
Rest or surrender is not an option, and again, thank God

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#67: March 16, 2020, 04:23:49 PM
Hola!

Coronavirus is here! We have a few cases in the country but in order to not be in the situation of other countries, the schools are going to be closed and the recommendation is to go out just if necessary.
I have D7 that I believe kids are the ones that transmites easier or faster and my mother 80 (she seems like 60 but anyway 80 😄) that are the ones in more danger, so I am the one in charge of the shopping and outdoor stuff, anyway I have to go to my job
We are a third world country and at the moment our president is someone far to be proud of, so we, the people, are the ones that are taking precautions and making consciousness about the situation

H is still behaving nicely, caring and calm
Since we left home, more than 1 month already, he calls in the morning first thing and last thing at night, during day we go together to pick D up from school and spend a couple of hours together
Today the city is quiet and when he called in the morning I told him to come to have lunch with us...
I wasn't expecting anything because my mother is here and since BD he hasn't come
He said yes and came, we had lunch, D, H and me, with a very nice talk, and then we spend a while in the living room
He told me he had to go because his father is in the hospital because a kidney problem and he wanted to be with him during the afternoon!!!!! which is good news I guess because he hasn't seen him in almost 1 year

I don't ask or talk about R or something related, I try to listen and be calm just saying positive comments about his talks, so I guess I am doing ok
The thing I think I am missing is about expectations, I am not really expecting something because I have planned at least this year with just D and me in the picture, but I can help to feel just as when we were getting to know each other like in the beginning and some how that feeling makes me feel like when we were young and I waited for my boyfriend to call or come...

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#68: March 18, 2020, 09:54:45 AM
Attaching Yo. 
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#69: March 23, 2020, 03:55:40 PM
Hola Yo, you are being very wise deciding by yourself to be very careful especially with your 80 year old fabulous looking mother.

Your H seems to be making some progress, especially the lunch with your mother. That's quite a change. Of course you will have expectations, you are only human and your H has been very nice lately. Just remind yourself to not expect too much.

Stay safe and stay away from people.
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#70: March 24, 2020, 02:37:03 PM
Thanks Milly! I hope things are better with the situation in your city, we have a lot of information but not all of it is real so I try not to listen to much and keep following the safety instructions.
Our president said we are ok and people should be going out!!!! Really? With more than 600 cases in the country! We are in time, I believe, to stop a major catastrophe. He is acting worst than a MLC'ER! 🤬
Thank God people is ignoring him and since classes are suspended, a lot of families are staying at home.

I am ok, with a lot of work to do, is more than usual because we are not familiarized with on line work in a 100% way, not us as teachers and not the students neither, yesterday I was sending messages with one of my students and he texted me back asking me if he could go to the bathroom 😂

H is in touch most of the time, at least for D
I think he is processing a lot of things but still avoiding when is painful
Yesterday D asked him if he misses her when he sees her bedroom and first thing in the morning he called me to ask if I knew about that and what did I do about  it, I answered with a question, what are YOU going to do about it? and of course a lot of babbling with no adult response
After this, like other times when hurts, we didn't have lunch together because he didn't call and I know he is not going to call again today, don't know if is time of process or he is going to escape and avoid, but pretty sure he is going to call till tomorrow
His problem anyway...


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#71: March 24, 2020, 05:18:48 PM
I haven’t quite finished reading all of your story Yo. But I see you are about 3 years into this. Thinking back through my timeline that was a time I was breaking free of the nonsense. And the x was all over the place. One moment all sweet and wanting to work things out the next just a total butt. I was no contact with him as much as possible during that time.

But I did ask him about this stupid behavior of his at that time. Now I can only take it with a grain of salt because even though we have a civil relationship these days he still protects himself and his interests. So making up something to fit the situation is his go to many times.

But...  he told me he was very confused at the time. Duh. Lol. And embarrassed. That’s a word he uses a lot. He said he wanted to come home but then he didn’t.  Around and around. And he said he would get mad at me. If he heard that I was out and about or whatever. In his mind he thought I was doing something wrong. Lol. Oh boy. And then he’d want to punish me and he’d be mad. I should have just been waiting for him. Yes, that’s utterly crazy.

And of course his crazy AP would hold his wittle hand and reinforce his stupid ass thinking.  Around and around.

I think you are handling it well. Have no expectations. I think it’s a hard time at this point. You see those little moves forward and they mean so much. And they know it and use it to their advantage. I’m not sure if it’s done on purpose or just because they can do it. Like 12 year olds they are.

Boundaries and no expectations. And I love how you are not helping him with deal with your d.  Nope that’s for him to face and work through. Sounds like he’s trying to get there. But girls are tough. Lol. They want answers. Lol.



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#72: March 25, 2020, 11:42:55 PM
Thanks TMT! You are right! I was seeing those little moves and they  meant so much! I keep working on that!

I was wrong about H  calling again the day of situation with D, he did call, a couple of times and let D know he love her very much and he is always thinking about her!  He has been constant with D for months, maybe a little bit more than a year but it still scares me, the idea of him running away from her in one moment or another, that 'll brake her heart

And about me, I was thinking today that I am actually enjoying how things are right now with him... I don't know if I am confused, having a respite
 or finally getting to detatchment but is nice to talk with him about how our day is going, joking around, solving things of work, things about D...
...and I don't have to rush because dinner is not ready, be in charge of shopping, cleaning, everything! or wash his underwear 😄
He fixes lunch when we are having together, he managed to schedule the payments, is nice and caring most of the time, doesn't yell... definitely I am having a tranquil time!

I hope to be ready when it ends if it does...
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#73: March 27, 2020, 06:59:50 AM
Yo I totally get it. Lol. I think that’s part of why I have let the x be a little bit in my life. He is being nice and nice to the kids. He tries to be helpful but I just don’t let him.  Lol. I don’t feel threatened or have any expectations. I have my own home and do things as I like. Don’t have to take care of him.

I think if I ever have a SO in my life he will never be allowed to move in. Lol.
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#74: March 27, 2020, 11:00:21 AM
TMT! 😂😂😂
I still love him, I am enjoying this as a brake but still a stander, maybe because I am behind you in timeline, maybe in 3 more years I'll be thinking exactly like you LOL
But anyway enjoying!
Be safe! Send you a hug
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#75: March 27, 2020, 04:39:55 PM
I think you took what I wrote in a way I didn’t mean it.

I understand of course that you love your husband and that you are standing.

I was only agreeing with you that time to yourself can be quite liberating. Not meant that you would stay in that solution long term.
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#76: March 27, 2020, 06:54:09 PM
I am sorry TMT, my English is not too good and sometimes I do that 😕
Anyway you never know, long or short term, the point is to enjoy 😁

Thanks for the explanation!
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#77: April 09, 2020, 02:39:29 AM
Hola!

Things seem to be ok, we are in the week when our situation about the virus is going to be defined as long as I understand,
Some people is still making panic shopping but not staying at home which make me feel mad but most of the people is trying to be safe, we are aloud to go to the supermarket just one per family and around 75% of the business are closed, is not that difficult since we are on vacation season

H is keeping the good attitude calling everyday first thing in the morning and a couple of times after that and he is coming to my mother's to have lunch almost every day

He hasn't said anything about our future maybe because we don't know what is going to happen or how long we are going to be at home, maybe because he is in a comfort zone or maybe because he is not ready,
but I have seen a lot of nice changes! such as he coming to my family territory, being a gentleman always (that is something that made me fall in love with him), and make comments to D7 like she is beautiful because she looks like me or like he is very happy to know that she is really smart just like me
Now he listens and actually asks to make me talk about me!!!

But the most important thing I have seen is how he is caring again about people, worried about the people is not working or without an income in this situation and helping every time he can

I know that he is not seeing OW since at least 8 months but don't really know if he is talking to her or other and to be honest some times the monkeys dance in my brain about it but I haven't said anything

I am planning to rent my own house for me and D7 as soon as the next school year starts, around August, and he is not included in my plans (I would like to but is not in my hands) and I am excited about having my dogs again with us, about decorating the house and about having my life with my schedule and my decisions,
so that is something that makes the monkeys go away...
We'll see how next months come, between MLC and coronavirus you'll never know 😂😂😂
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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#78: April 13, 2020, 10:39:29 AM
Yo, nice to hear your progress and your H's. Definitely caring about other people is a good sign. When they are in the tunnel, they just care about themselves. Hopefully, his feelings are returning.

I also like that you are making plans for you and D7 - the rental in August and thoughts of decorating it, all without your H in mind. Even if your H keeps making progress, it might be good for both you and him for you to get a chance to live as you wish, to try out things that you haven't been able to do since you were married. It would also give him more time to work on himself.

Glad to hear you are safe.xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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#79: April 16, 2020, 01:06:47 AM
Hola!
Milly I haven't thanked  you for your words, I have heard you are better with the virus situation and I am very happy for you and your country!

And about that, here the numbers of sick people are worst each day but not that high as in other countries, maybe because a lot of people stayed at home since the beginning, anyway the news are that the government will change the situation to phase 3 tomorrow in order to low down the numbers and make this to end faster.

We are ok, actually blessed because I have a job that can be done online and food in our table, and the most important thing, we are healthy!

About H more good news... He told me two days ago he would like us to be together when this is over, finally he said it!
I take it easy because despite he has been constant maybe is soon to take it as a sure thing.
He is going out every day because work and I am taking care of my mother so is not possible right now but is a good thing because I think we need more time to be sure if we are ready for that.

When he said it I just said "thanks for saying that because, makes me feel good" but I didn't answer and he said that we'll talk about that later

I am acting calm and easy around him but the best thing is that is exactly how I feel and my plans about renting a house are still the same, I am not going to change that unless I see more constant and with the world situation we are living, we have time for that

He has become a better father than ever, he was great before BD but now he is the best! And I dare to say this is true because reconnection with D7 has been working long enough

I can see clearly now how God's time is perfect!
When things happen maybe is not easy to see but then you can tell...
I was sad when I got out of home but now I am thankful because I have the opportunity to be with my mother in this time of crisis and take care of her, because D7 is learning things with her I couldn't teach her, because is great to be in an environment of love,  peace and positivism
 and a very important thing...
 because H and I needed this time apart to grow, now is up to each one to take advantage of it

Came to my mind that maybe we, LBSs, can handle this world crisis a little bit better... is exactly as MLC!
Stages, bad news, things that hurt, loneliness, no drug found to cure it, just time and more time...
but in this case maybe we humans are the MLCers 😮
 I just hope we can grow enough to deserve the earth when this is over...
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#80: April 16, 2020, 02:51:48 AM
Great, great news Yo!!
Your post says a lot.  Timing is everything.  The lessons learned are many.  May you be filled with much joy and many blessings.  Praying for more restorations.  Be well!! GGG
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#81: April 16, 2020, 04:47:01 AM
Thank you GGG! Send you a big hug! 💕
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#82: April 16, 2020, 10:26:30 AM
More movement from your H, Yo! Happy for you.

I agree with you that this world crisis is like BD and we are experienced at that!

I see lots of good stuff in your post, including:
 "because H and I needed this time apart to grow, now is up to each one to take advantage of it"  I truly believe that both the MLCer and the LBS needs to grow. For me it's what I got from this time since BD. The next time I have a relationship, I want to appreciate it deeply.

I love that you are grateful for the time with your mother so you can look after her, and the lessons for D7. Wonderful lesson of unconditional love and care for our loved ones.

Hope things stay good for you. xxx
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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#83: May 07, 2020, 10:51:37 PM
Hola!

I have had a lot of work and didn't have the chance to thank you Milly for your post! Thanks 💕
I have been reading the forum sometimes but just for minutes, this online teaching mode is killing me! I am slow and spend too much time on it, I keep saying to myself "I am thankful for my job" to make it easier but sometimes it doesn't work (just kidding! I am blessed!)

D7 feels frustrated sometimes, she is very active so be at home always is being difficult for her, she was asking me two days ago, why Coronavirus was here obligating her to be at home if she is a nice person that takes care of earth and people 😕 I guess she is starting to learn that life is not always fair

H is still coming sometimes to have lunch with us and calling everyday at least four or five times during the day but since last Sunday he is mad so he is calling "just to know about D" and coming jus to see  "her"! I uploaded an app to D's iPad so they can talk any time without me in the middle so calling me just to know about D is another teenager behavior
Sometimes when he calls I ask D to answer the phone but when they finish he always asks D to give me the phone and says "ok, I just wanted to talk to her" LOL 
He is growing in a lot of things but far from being cooked! The teenager inside him is very persuasive!

He is mad because I called a friend that owns a gym to ask him if he had training groups (some gyms have 5 people groups that train in a very big area and outdoors) and this friend told H after my call and asked him why we weren't training together as he and his wife
H was mad because he didn't know what to say and yelled at me that what did I wanted him to say? That we were separated? I just told him, do what you think is better for you! And now he is "just calling for D"
Well, I sometimes act like a teenager myself without having MLC, what can I expect from him 😄

All this post is silly, no important events, I just wanted to be present and feel like I am chatting with my good friends! A glass of wine in my hand would be much better but I have to work tomorrow morning, wakeup early take a bath and drive all the way from my bedroom to the livingroom for work 😄😄😄

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Reconnection... not there yet
#84: May 08, 2020, 01:31:32 AM
He calls and talks to D directly then asks D to hand the phone to you so he can tell you he just called to talk to D?

Uhmmmmmmm ......



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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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#85: May 18, 2020, 09:49:10 AM
Hola!

UM I love your GIFs, I missed them 😄 thanks

This time H was mad a little bit more time than other times "1 week" 😄 he kept calling and coming "just for D" Ha!
Now he is back to his "nice mode"

Yesterday I saw a good step... he came to pick D up to spend the afternoon together but he called first to let me know that he was getting something to eat for the 3 of us and my mother, I reminded him that my brothers were coming just because he use to avoid them, I tried to mention it like something casual, like, my brothers are coming too so don't bring too much food because everybody is bringing something
Honestly I thought he wasn't going to stay but he brought food and stay for lunch with us

My brothers didn't came early so we missed the opportunity of the encounter between them and H after long time, it would be interesting...

Quarantine is ending here, now some business are aloud to open again and at the end of the month, if everything is ok, more people is going to be able to work, so I am looking already for a nice house to rent so maybe sooner than I had planned, I'll be moving to my new place

I am a little bit confused, sometimes I feel like I don't feel the same about H, I don't know if this is detachment or if actually I am not that much in love like before, I don't know if I am explaining myself, have someone around here have felt the same? Do you know what this is about?
I like him a lot! For me he is the most handsome man on earth but I don't feel the hurry to be with him like before.... ???

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
#86: May 21, 2020, 02:40:55 PM
Hi Yo, I do know what you mean when you say that sometimes you are not having feelings for your H. I would say this is you making good progress. Yes, it's a form of detachment, although probably more based on the fact that you are managing without him, and have plans for your own life without him. It's showing you that there is life for you beyond your H. I think when we do manage to make plans for our futures that do not include our Hs, we feel empowered, in that we realize that even though we don't want this, we can do it. And that is part of the detachment, the not needing our partners to survive. So all good stuff for you.

I'm glad your lock down is coming to an end. I know that for me, although I enjoyed the time with my kids, I need to get back to my plans and to work. I want to go out with friends again. I don't want this additional fear (covid) hanging around. I hope you find a lovely house to rent.x
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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