Author Topic: My Story Reconnection... not there yet  (Read 1032 times)

Online Surviving2019

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My Story Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #20 on: October 07, 2019, 10:55:47 AM »
YO-
Wow! This is echoing my life a bit. Although my H did move out after I asked him to given he didn't want to end contact with the OW and he had repeatedly told me ILYBINILWY and that "we don't have a future."

Two years since he left. I worked steadily on myself. He came back at the very end of April 2019, stayed until the middle of August the cut and ran again. This time his excuse was that his adult children don't like me, and "we don't have a future."  The more I read, the more I think he's starting to make steps out of the tunnel, but isn't all the way out.  We did have a pleasant evening last night, just doing a shared activity and having a meal. He lingered for a while before heading to his apartment. Ordinarily, I would have made an attempt at physical contact, but I just smiled, and told him I hope he enjoys his work week.

Since leaving again, he has filled every single weekend with work. He's traveling all over the country teaching. Running again, but I think this is a normal part of the process and he needs to do it. He has been asking me my thoughts and feelings, which is a bit disconcerting, because I don't actually know where he is in the tunnel and what is too much or too little to share. It's like, on one hand, he wants to connect, and on the other he is so scared of something (rejection? hurt? his own insecurities? unhappiness?) that he allows that to control him and away he goes.*Sigh*

While this second time leaving has been very hard, I am working on living my life. I've dug into the content here. I've planned trips with friends, doing projects on the house, and in general, being happy doing what I like to do. I do get lonely at times as I miss my H and step-children, but what can you do?

Offline Acorn

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #21 on: October 07, 2019, 11:21:45 AM »

Sometimes these MLCers seem like they hate us but it's not about us at all.


This has been my experience as well.  He told me this almost verbatim when I asked him why he hated me.  He also added that he hated himself.

Of course, this statement did not stop him from looking at me with utter dislike and revulsion which made me shiver as if someone walked on my grave.   That look was directed at me consistently over a long period - Replay.  I learned to ignore it because it was so insane.  What did I ever do to be at the receiving end of such disgust?  Nothing.  I was just the ‘whipping boy’ of his emotional turmoil.  The easiest target.
« Last Edit: October 07, 2019, 11:25:28 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #22 on: October 13, 2019, 10:24:54 AM »
Thanks Acorn, NYM and Surviving for your comments always something important and useful in each of them! ❤

Something happened this week... I wasn't talking too much but reading your advices I decided to talk less, just the necessary
H started to talk, the first day was just about superficial matters and each day it has been more interesting, some times is like before BD, not my thinking, I know he is not cooked yet, but in a very relaxed way, his eyes and body language, kind of cautious from both sides but nice, I mean nice because without the necessity of being quiet because we have to or the obligation of thinking everything before talking, is like a brake of this madness, like a brake to get strength to keep going
Not a word about us, about what happened or what is going to be, just enjoying the talk
He is not anxious and that makes me feel relaxed when he is around
Last night he came home later than he use to, just one hour but it felt like a very long hour...of course I had bad thoughts for a while but as soon as he came home he started to tell me everything about his evening, and I am happy about it because I realized he has his old friends back and they are embracing him like he hadn't abandoned them

Almost all the talk is about him but right now is something that he needs, to be fair I have had a lot more blessings so to listen to him with love doesn't hurt

Don't worry my friends! I know this can be just a moment, I really do! I hope it is the beginning of another stage but I am prepared to be by myself if is necessary

I am starting this week giving the conferences of the Mexico City training, it is good because I am going to be busy and because as you know, the person that learns the most when you teach is you! And this cycle is about bullying, something that we, LBSs know about 🥴


Yo ❤

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #23 on: October 14, 2019, 03:15:06 AM »
Allowing them to talk is a really great idea.  You will find out so much more than when asking questions.  You are doing so well, never easy with a recovering MLCer around.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #24 on: October 17, 2019, 07:34:57 AM »
Thanks Savoir Faire, you are right, never easy!

H is back to not talking to much, at least he is not completely quite as last months but he is mad again, I cannot imagine how much hurt he has inside, and I really feel sorry for him

I started to read again old threads and some information about letting go, sometimes I feel like I am in to him (secretly) more than I should so I have to work a lot more in me.

I don't have to much time because of my job, in one hand is ok because I am busy but sometimes I would like to read more and come more to the forum, I need it.

And talking about my job, I have the opportunity to take full time next year if I want to, that can give me the economic freedom to leave if is necessary, I am sure he is not going to, but that doesn't mean he is going to be out of the tunnel sometime, so I have to be prepare to have the best for D6 and for myself

I have noticed that lately I talk about me a lot! The word I is written a lot! I feel guilty because I am not reading other threads or showing I care to other members of the forum but in other hand I guess this is a moment of thinking about myself. Anyway writing this is a way of apologizing so the guilt is there. Maybe care to much about others is part of my personality or maybe is something I should work with...

Yo ❤

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #25 on: October 17, 2019, 07:58:09 AM »
Yo,

A big part of the LBS healing and taking control of their lives is to start focusing a bit more on ourselves, our needs/wants, our health, our happiness.  The majority of us spent an awful lot of time focusing on our Mid-Lifers for the years leading up to BD and the aftermath thereof so it is only normal that focusing on ourselves is a bit of a shock sometimes and can induce a bit of guilt...

But it is a necessary and important step.  The difference between the LBS self-focus and the Mid-Lifer self focus is that the LBS sees it in context of their world whereas the Mid-Lifer couldn't care less about the world around them as long as they are getting their jollies....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #26 on: October 18, 2019, 11:32:31 AM »
Thanks UrsaMajor! ☀️
Yo ❤

Online YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2019, 07:34:51 PM »
Hola!

H started to talk last week, mostly about him, but at least talking...
Last monday everything changed, it was my birthday and as good LBS I wasn't expecting anything but early in the morning he gave me a hug, said Happy birthday and gave me money to buy anything I wanted
In the afternoon I went to my mother's to celebrate with my brothers and their family, I didn't tell H because since BD I always invited him and he always said no so I stopped asking a few months ago

When he found out, he started to monster again, I think that maybe because
- I didn't need him to enjoy my birthday
- he doesn't have a caring family like mine
- I was not waiting for him to.come home as always

I had to work in my self esteem again because he really said ugly things, it hurts...
But hurts more to see him suffer the way he is

One of the things that he has been mentioning when he is monsterish  (I believe I just invented that word) is that he is not going to go to my family Christmas party, like if I was expecting him to go! But this last time he said that he had no other place to go that day, I think he is worried because this year is our turn with his kids

Today I followed my intuition and during lunch I told him that my brothers included him and the kids in the Christmas plans, that I wasn't asking if he would like to go, just saying for him to know, he said that wasn't true because they didn't care about him, so I told him that he should start to believe that people care about him and even love him because who he is and that they think about him and his kids as part of the family as always (which is true) he didn't answer, he just cried

I think he needed to feel a little bit of love, let's see what he does with that, I hope embrace it but I don't expect
Yo ❤

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #28 on: November 07, 2019, 09:11:31 PM »
Not much to say about your situation other than to say you are not alone. Your H sounds like he is in a similar place to where mine is right now.

This might give you a laugh if you have seen the movie Ocean's 12 before. It's kind of depicts how I feel about dealing with a H who is going into the depression stage:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wnEuOJg_dA

The MLCer is the lasers.


Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Online YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #29 on: November 07, 2019, 09:21:01 PM »
NYM I laughed a lot! I feel exactly like that! Loved it!
Yo ❤

 

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