Author Topic: My Story Reconnection... not there yet  (Read 2520 times)

Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #50 on: January 22, 2020, 03:03:38 PM »
Hola!
 Thanks Milly! ❤

Updating...

Seems like H is still trying, he talks much more, everything about him! but talking if we see the half of the glass filled.
Most of the talk is about the gym, we are trying to be consistent in our workout and healthy lifestyle but separately,  we are out of each ones gym at the same hour so when we come home we have dinner together and talk about what we did, well... he talks and I listen, sometimes he asks me questions and when I answered he is like not listening and starts with his story again 😕

I have seen small changes though, well not small but slow....

If he gets home first, he fixes dinner for me too, helps a lot with things I usually do, is patient and super tolerant if I forget or miss something, and he has been respectful all the time

He has been working in the issue about me having a great relationship with my family (he acts like is ok with it but I sense he doesn't feel it yet)

This time is different from others touch and go because he has been gradual with his changes and once he is there is consistent, is too early to know if is reconnection but I wanted to write it down because maybe can be helpful in a future to know were we are standing by
What I need to work in is the fact that I still hope to listen out of his mouth that he is sorry or maybe just talk about the last year ugly events, and, that more often than I should I expect him to ask me to date him (we are ok at home but he hasn't asked me to go out with him)

Anyway touch and go or reconnection I keep doing my life... I am enjoying my job more than ever, this week I start horse riding again, planning a ladies group therapy about expectations and relationships of any kind (interesting that a psychologist coworker asked me to start the group with her) and the most important, enjoying D6 and trying to be a better me to give her a good example


Yo ❤

Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #51 on: February 14, 2020, 11:30:13 AM »
Hola!
Another touch and go! We are in the go right now...

After new year's H everything went right but around two weeks ago he started to be rude and bossy again

D6 started to have situations at school, first I thought she was being bullied but I found out she was taking things too personally and the things that were happening were kids things, so I talked to her to let her know that if she does something to defend herself her father and I wouldn't be mad about it but she told me that she didn't want to because the girls wouldn't be her friends anymore

Immediately came to my mind... if I was allowing things from H why she wouldn't from friends? If she was afraid of losing their friendship, maybe I was allowing because of the fear of losing H?

So I talked to him last Sunday morning about R (maybe I knew what the outcome would be) and told him that we should go with someone to help (therapy) and of course, the conversation started gradually to heat and he ended monstering (I don't know if this is a word but I am sure you know what I mean)
Long story short, we are in my mother's house since Sunday night

Since the first day she have had very good days at school, she already told them what she likes and what she doesn't so they can be respectful with her (mature from a 7 years old)

I am sad but calm, actually today is my first sad day, maybe because Saint valentine's day

I realized that I was permitting because I thought we could have more chances to reconnect living together, so unconscious I was expecting!

H went backwards apparently after this, one day he is crying all day long, the other day he is super angry, today he is indifferent, all mood changes he can have, thank God just with me, with D he is sweet, he picks her up from school, and if they are not together they are on the phone...

Yo ❤

Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #52 on: February 14, 2020, 11:45:49 AM »
I stopped writing the last post because I had a situation with my car, I called H to ask him the phone number of the guy that fixes our cars

H offered to pick me up from the car shop and asked me if I could help him in the vet (I wanted it so bad! I really miss the vet!) I am worried because the car thing is going to be expensive but he told me that everything is going to be ok and WE will pay for it
We came home to have lunch (he didn't ask, just did it) and he was polite
Sad, mad, indifferent, nice... Are we missing an emotion? Just to be prepared 😂😂😂
H is taking a nap and I am writing...

We are going to pick D up at school and then D and I go back to my mother's

Pray for me to be strong
Yo ❤

Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #53 on: February 14, 2020, 11:11:30 PM »
At this moment my biggest desire is to detach completely of so many things, I just want to be in peace without thinking and enjoy life as it comes

Yesterday H was telling me how bad he was tired of being responsible (so in Replay) and today he wanted to take care of my car expenses, worried about D to eat healthy and buying breakfast for me and fixing lunch so I can rest

how can we be just spectators when we have a taste of what we wanted the most?
Big deal to stay detached! Working hard on it but without great results
Yo ❤

Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #54 on: February 18, 2020, 09:11:13 PM »
Hola!

I don't know if I am doing the correct things, is so difficult!

I was thinking that maybe H was in a comfort zone because as soon I left he started to change
We have been seeing at each other because my car situation and because D, I know is an excuse for me, don't really know if he is doing the same but we have shared more time together than when I was at home
He is planning that WE are going to sell my car and WE are going to get a new one but he hasn't asked me to come back

He cries all day long when I am with him but doesn't say a word, I just ask "are you ok?" but he doesn't talk about it so I don't insist
I sense that he is starting to realize what he has done but don't know to what point, maybe just what he has done to D

I don't know if I should keep hanging with him to be present in his life and making feel he is not alone or stay a little bit more separated so he doesn't feel in the comfort zone again

I don't know if I should stay in my mother's home or take this as a long term change and look for a house for me and D

Our clothes are still at home and that is making us feel this situation is not defined...

Yo ❤

Offline Acorn

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #55 on: February 19, 2020, 06:15:00 AM »

I don't know if I should keep hanging with him to be present in his life and making feel he is not alone or stay a little bit more separated so he doesn't feel in the comfort zone again

I don't know if I should stay in my mother's home or take this as a long term change and look for a house for me and D

Dear Yo, you do what’s best for your and D’s emotional health. There is nothing you can do for him.  You cannot MAKE him feel this way or that.  He chooses his feelings and attitude.  Either he helps himself or not.  It’s not in your hands.  You cannot fix him.

((((HUGS))))
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Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #56 on: February 19, 2020, 07:47:39 AM »

I don't know if I should keep hanging with him to be present in his life and making feel he is not alone or stay a little bit more separated so he doesn't feel in the comfort zone again

I don't know if I should stay in my mother's home or take this as a long term change and look for a house for me and D

Dear Yo, you do what’s best for your and D’s emotional health. There is nothing you can do for him.  You cannot MAKE him feel this way or that.  He chooses his feelings and attitude.  Either he helps himself or not.  It’s not in your hands.  You cannot fix him.

((((HUGS))))

Acorn is quite right, wise words.
Do you think that seeing him more or less for a few weeks will help you figure out your next steps, Yo?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

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Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #57 on: February 19, 2020, 07:57:18 AM »
Hola Yo,

Being left in Limbo (which you are) between your mom's house and where H is (which I understand is where your clothes are as well) is NOT a nice place to be.  It takes a toll on both you and D.

The thing is, is that you have ZERO control over H's emotional well-being.   to me, it sounds as if H is making plans that are including the "we" factor but failing to take "we" into account when actually LIVING. He wants to sell your car and then get you a new one? He is emotional but doesn't want to talk about it (with you) while you are there at the house with him?

How is that affecting YOU though and YOUR emotional health? What about D and HER emotional health?  Will having a solid roof over your head make things easier for you both, regardless if H is there or not?

I really can't give you a firm "do this" piece of advice but I can say that your priority needs to be on YOUR health (emotionally, mentally, physically) and D's... H is going to have to deal with his own issues. on his time frame.

Yeah, you can "be there" for him but he is going to have to do the heavy lifting. You can be supportive but it is NOT your crisis or problem to fix, it is his.... and he is going to have to take the steps needed to solve it.
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Offline YoTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #58 on: February 19, 2020, 05:07:11 PM »
Thanks Acorn, Treasur and UM! ❤

Your questions and statements gave me another perspective

I am going to take it easy, actually I am better than I thought!
I don't know if I am really detaching finally or is because he has been present but the fact is that I sleep like a baby, and I don't feel the need to call him or text him, maybe because he has been doing it
Who knows... but I am ok and the most important thing, D is happy and learning!

Thank you very much my friends!
Yo ❤

Online Milly

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Re: Reconnection... not there yet
« Reply #59 on: February 20, 2020, 01:38:19 PM »
Hola, Yo, can't give any additional advice that hasn't already been given. Seems like your H might be having an awakening, as in realizing one or more of the things he's lost. Doesn't necessarily mean the crisis will be over, but does sound like he's realizing stuff.

I would take it easy as you suggest. Don't make any major decisions right now. When you don't know what to do, do nothing. Do what makes you comfortable for now. Would you be able to move into your mother's in a temporarily-permanent way for now?

I have a girlfriend from Barcelona here in Italy. Her H is going through a Mid life transition, hopefully it doesn't become a crisis. She can't speak English so can't come on the forum but she always sends me messages that start with 'Hola!' You remind me of her.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
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D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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