Author Topic: MLC Monster Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9  (Read 5041 times)

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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MLC Monster Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« on: September 29, 2019, 08:18:06 AM »
Hi All,

As requested another new thread. I will work my way through your questions so please bare with me.


Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11094.0
« Last Edit: September 29, 2019, 09:54:31 AM by Thunder »

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2019, 08:25:01 AM »
Hi Bewildered

The fog came on gradually and slowly. I was in shock at the death of my Father and because I didn’t get to the hospital in time I began to blame my ex h. The fog began to descend with moments of me being sure if my ex h hadn’t been doing something else he would have got me to the hospital. That he was to blame. As time went by the fog was with me more and more and the feelings for my ex h began to disappear. The fog made me feel justified in my fast growing hatred toward my ex h.
Looking back now I know I did love him but couldn’t access that love because the fog was a barrier.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2019, 08:30:43 AM »
Hi Mego

I don’t doubt his eyes are black and it wouldn’t surprise me if the ow was a manipulative person who wanted a wedding so had one. Vulnerable and easier to hand over decisions to the affair partner is what these manipulative people do.
I didn’t want to re marry I didn’t want a divorce but my ex h married a manipulator and I know that he isn’t happy.
Just try to let go for now Mego.

Offline terra

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2019, 08:37:36 AM »
Shocks sis and all — there is literally a passage in the Bible about the darkened eyes. So this is a very old and natural and acknowledged aspect, although in current time I suspect it also likely indicates substance abuse.

I was astounded when I discovered that passage last week. When I find it again, I will post it here for you.

No questions from me today, just stopping by to say that about the Bible passage and to welcome you to your new thread.

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2019, 08:43:41 AM »
Thank you so much for continuing!! I find your onsite very valuable.

M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline MKnight10

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #5 on: September 29, 2019, 08:44:54 AM »
Good to see you back SS.

Thanks for continuing to share your experience and answering questions. Its provided me with invaluable insight into what may be going on with my MLCer and the best way to deal with it.

Thanks again....MK

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2019, 10:05:23 AM »
Hi Terra, Shelley and McKnight,

I’m glad to be of help getting some kind of understanding on this awful situation. Terra I look forward to reading the passage.
I will be around as much as I can.

Online Treasur

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2019, 10:14:19 AM »
Hi ShockSis
Someone here pointed me in the direction of limerence https://www.marriageradio.com/the-3-phases-of-limerence-joe-beam, both for the spouse/ow relationship but also perhaps part of what happens in the LBS's head after their spouse leaves as a kind of attachment reaction.

Looking at it, the description of how people behave in limerence does look like a lot of the MLC behaviour we see on HS. Do you think your MLC was about more than this or is limerence just another way of describing the same thing?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Cherry Blossom

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #8 on: September 29, 2019, 12:42:05 PM »
Attaching...
M: 49
W: 40
Married 1 year together 3.5 years
No kids but we have dogs
BD: 7th September 2019 (although lots of signs for previous 4 months)
EA with old school friend who appears to also be going through MLC for at least 4 months and I think OW since at least August
I have a wealth of experience of MLC (which I'd rather not have) - my previous long-term R (17 years, including 6 months of marriage) ended in D in July 2015 because I wanted to end it as it was an abusive R

Offline Milly

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #9 on: September 29, 2019, 01:12:23 PM »
Attaching to your new thread, Shocks sis. Thank you so much for continuing to answer our questions.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #10 on: September 29, 2019, 03:47:21 PM »
Sis

BD 3 years ago, H moved out 2 years ago.
He is now saying he will never come home as he doesn’t want to ever feel like he did again (he also has a OW2). So it’s like his memory of the last year or so of us living together was so bad (MLC) that he relates it to our marriage and won’t go back to that. Did you ever think like this? Or when you became properly aware was it obvious that although the end was bad that was not the marriage, that was your MLC?

In essence ‘I had a depressive crisis during my marriage, now I am happier so wont go back to my marriage in case I feel like that again’.

Hope that made sense!


Sis, I brought this question over from the end of the last thread in case it’s easier for you here, and also so I can attach to this thread!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2019, 08:01:21 PM »
Attaching
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2019, 08:27:02 PM »
You know I'm here for the ride Shocks  ;D

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Wilderheart

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #13 on: October 02, 2019, 12:15:24 AM »
Attaching

Online Sam I Am

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #14 on: October 02, 2019, 07:15:00 AM »
Attaching!  Thanks for taking your time to answer all our questions and concerns!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Flabbergasted

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #15 on: October 02, 2019, 11:53:46 AM »
Also a big BIG thank you from me, Shock's sis! You have no idea how much your explanation means to me and almost everyone else on HS.

I think I understand a lot of MLC, just from listening (and reading) without judgement. Of course not all IS to be understood, because the mind is a powerful and mysterious thing.

What's hard for me to understand and is so painful is the following (and I hope you can give me some insight on that):

In the fog you're living a fantasy life. That's what I hear from a lot of ex-MLC'ers. The painful thing is: why couldn't that fantasy person be me (or any other LBS)? Of course I know a great deal of the answer, because we hear about it all the time. It's just that, if you have a fantasy then it's usually about something that you REALLY want. So if I hear someone say that the OW was JUST a fantasy, it feels like a blow in the stomach. Why wasn't I that fantasy?

Rationally I know why. But it still hurts, haha. When your feelings had returned was your ex-H your "fantasy" guy again? Or is it more like: I can't hold on to a fantasy, so I will have to do with second best and that would be my LBS.

Now that I'm writing it down it seems like a real strange question, lol. But it has been on my mind for a long time now and I would love to hear your thoughts on it.

Thanks in advance, strong lady! ;-)

Love,
Flab
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Offline Stand Tall

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #16 on: October 02, 2019, 12:41:47 PM »
Flabbergasted,

  I'm just giving my opinion on the fantasy ow. What I understand is this person is, basically, playing the roll of the parent that caused the most damage to our MLCer while they were growing up. From what I know about my MIL she is a narcissist type, thinks only of herself, doesn't know how to show love, was and still is a drug addict and very manipulative and money hungry. H was an alcoholic by the age of 9. His dad lived across the country and was not in his life for most of his life. Knowing all this I'm glad that I am not who he uses for his fantasy ow. Actually makes me feel good about myself. I have morals and respect for myself. They are called an affair done for a reason.

Stand tall

When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #17 on: October 02, 2019, 12:59:53 PM »
Swap the word "fantasy" for "delusion." I think that is a more accurate description. Do you really want to be part of your spouse's recreation of their miserable childhood? I think you need to look past the words these MLCers use and look at the substance of what is going on to really understand it.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #18 on: October 02, 2019, 02:42:33 PM »
I completely agree with both Stand Tall and NYM. The fantasy is more like a nightmare, especially looking back at it.

Offline Flabbergasted

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #19 on: October 02, 2019, 03:28:40 PM »
Thanks for your reactions, ST, NYM and MBIB. Believe me, I do know how it works.  ;) I just want to hear what Shock's Sis has to say about it.

I don't post much, but I really understand a great deal of the MLC (as far as you can understand it). One of the reasons I know so much about it, is that I ask a lot of questions. I have a real life ex-MLC'er and his wife as my friends and he is my "Shock's Sis", hehe.

He's been back home for almost 3 years now and I can ask him anything and everything. Like SS, he's very open about what happened to them and that has given me so much insight. It's nice to also hear it from another person.

For myself, I'm living a good life. BD was in june 2017 and since then I've got myself a great new job, the house in my name, I throw parties, go out with friends a lot, go on vacation, and so on. I am happy just being me. I've always been that way to be honest. So when my ex-H left, I didn't have to work on myself more than I already did. Life is about working on yourself day to day in my humble opinion. I have a lot of fun, but I also give myself room to grieve. When I'm sad, I'm sad. And when that's done, I go on with my business.

I understand that he has to go through this and there's nothing I can do but leaving him alone. In the first year after BD he has told me a lot of what he was going through, before he went in deep.

I'm sorry for the hijack, Shockandawe and Shock's Sis! I started writing and made it into a novel.  :-[
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #20 on: October 02, 2019, 03:34:28 PM »
Flab

How long was your ex-MLCer man in his crisis? I know you said he has been back for 3 years. It’s all so interesting! Thanks for sharing.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Flabbergasted

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #21 on: October 02, 2019, 03:42:49 PM »
Rose, just so there's no misunderstanding ... this is a friend, not my ex-H. Friend was in MLC for about 3,5 to 4 years. Lived with the OW and totally abandoned his wife and 2 kids. He had 1 false return, but after 2,5 months of living with OW and her son for the second time he had a shocking awakening and went home for good.
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #22 on: October 02, 2019, 03:51:48 PM »
Rose, just so there's no misunderstanding ... this is a friend, not my ex-H. Friend was in MLC for about 3,5 to 4 years. Lived with the OW and totally abandoned his wife and 2 kids. He had 1 false return, but after 2,5 months of living with OW and her son for the second time he had a shocking awakening and went home for good.

Yes, sorry I re-read my post and it did read like I thought that but I did understand. Thanks, the detail is really good to read.

Glad he was lucky enough to have the opportunity to return
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #23 on: October 03, 2019, 05:13:14 AM »
Hi Flabbergasted

From my own experience my MLC began with depression and dissatisfaction though I know this happens during a lot of marriages not all spouses go into MLC. Other factors come into play. For me it was the death of my Father and the perception that my ex h was too weak to deal with me and my trauma. This in turn led me to reach out for a man who would listen to and validate my feelings and came across as strong and capable, the total opposite of how I saw my ex h.
It became exciting and made me forget about my pain. I began to be dishonest toward my ex h and this too was exciting as it was my secret and it turned into my own movie of which I was both writer and star. My real life was somewhat  painful, depressing and mundane when compared to the fantasy life I was creating.
As far as I knew at the time I was not aware or chose om because he was in someways reminiscent of my past childhood issues.
In my view MLC is really all about escapism and the brain closing down to avoid what would be too devastating to face. I saw my ex h as weak and felt I was alone this could be yet another trigger in flipping the MLC switch.
Who wouldn’t want to escape from a dark, dour and sad place into a light, happy place which whilst in MLC this is the fantasy. How then could my ex h possibly enter my fantasy as both reality and fantasy lives ran parallel for a while they never overlapped.
Although I was the writer and star of my own fabulous fantasy movie there was only one director and that was the om. Highly manipulative he was a puppet master as he would validate all of my feelings toward my ex h and encouraged and enabled my fantasy life.
I hope this helps a little. Please feel free to ask questions and I will do my best to answer.
Nice to see you back BIB.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 05:17:43 AM by Shockandawe »

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #24 on: October 03, 2019, 05:15:50 AM »
Hi Rose

Sorry for the delay. To me he’s still in the fog. Keep going you know the drill.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2019, 07:48:50 AM »
Thanks Shock's Sis. I think what you wrote about the om being the director is interesting. I certainly don't blame the alienator for the MLCer's crisis but I do think they play a much larger role in the crisis that many on here give them credit for. I believe the presence of an alienator makes the crisis more severe and longer lasting than it would be otherwise and in some cases may cause an MLT to turn into an MLC. But that's just my opinion.

Offline Flabbergasted

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #26 on: October 03, 2019, 01:01:52 PM »
Shock's sis, it does help and not just a little. Thanks for explaining it so beautifully ... again! I know the two worlds don't overlap. I could literally hear it on the phone. The first year my ex-H came to my house without OW knowing. When he went to his new home where he lived with her, he would call me when left me as soon as he was in his car. I could hear from his tone of voice when he was almost there. He changed 180. Freaky!
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #27 on: October 03, 2019, 01:37:28 PM »
why couldn't that fantasy person be me (or any other LBS)?

You're reality and the existing partner/spouse. You could never be the fantasy.

Although I was the writer and star of my own fabulous fantasy movie there was only one director and that was the om.

You were OM's "puppet"? Quite convenient, isn't it? He is responsible for directing things, you had no part in something you willing took part in. Interesting.

Highly manipulative he was a puppet master as he would validate all of my feelings toward my ex h and encouraged and enabled my fantasy life.

Of course he would. You feed him the stuff cheaters and MLCers feed OM/OW. It was you that feed him the sad story of your marriage and your husband, weren't you? How you no longer loved your husband and instead love OM and so on. What did you expect when you wanted exactly what OM provided?
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #28 on: October 03, 2019, 01:45:15 PM »


You were OM's "puppet"? Quite convenient, isn't it? He is responsible for directing things, you had no part in something you willing took part in. Interesting.

Highly manipulative he was a puppet master as he would validate all of my feelings toward my ex h and encouraged and enabled my fantasy life.

Of course he would. You feed him the stuff cheaters and MLCers feed OM/OW. It was you that feed him the sad story of your marriage and your husband, weren't you? How you no longer loved your husband and instead love OM and so on. What did you expect when you wanted exactly what OM provided?
[/quote]

Um, can't say I agree with this. People use people, and OM's/OW's are users. I can totally see the puppet master thing.
How easy would it be to manipulate someone in a fantasy and help them believe it? Reinforce it? Manipulation 101, perception is reality and someone using that perception to get what they want.... totally evil.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Anjae

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #29 on: October 03, 2019, 01:55:12 PM »
Yes, people use people. MLCers use OM/OW. OM/OM come in several flavours. Several become manipulative, etc. because of the situation. Regardless, it was the MLCer that feed OM/OW with lies about the marriage and spouse.

It was the MLCer that was dying to have an affair. Lets stop pretend the MLCer is innocent and OM/OW are always an horrible person that made the MLCer had an affair, cheat, leave, tell OM/OW they didn't love their spouse, that the marriage was dead and so on.

A fully recoved would not be pointing fingers to the alienator nor to their LBS. A fully recoved MLCer would know it was on them. All of it.

SS's is recovering, but, as far as I am concerned, still has a long way to go to be fully recovered.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #30 on: October 03, 2019, 02:00:46 PM »
And here we go again!
Anjae this is Shock my sister will not comment further on anything you post as I have already stated.
Manipulative people recognise vulnerability and slowly but surely convince you that your spouse is undeserving whilst they would never be that way. The words puppet master may be offensive but manipulation is what it is.
Your opinion is yours and hers is hers but I am not my sister and from your quotations from my sisters reply to Flabbergasted to my mind anyway, you come across as an angry and somewhat bitter person.
And that is my opinion and I am also entitled to that.
Shock and awe


Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #31 on: October 03, 2019, 02:03:42 PM »
whatever Anjae

Shock and awe
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 02:05:29 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline terrified_in_TN

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #32 on: October 03, 2019, 02:22:16 PM »
From an independent observer's perspective (as I have never posted in S&A's thread before):

Anjae may be abrasive at times, seemingly emotionless, and obviously not well received in a great deal of threads she posts in [sorry Anjae, but its true], but in this particular case, I think she has a valid point.  Maybe it wasn't the intent, but the reply in question by Shock's sis does come off more than a little bit that she was a helpless victim in the situation, and therefore not her fault.

-T

Offline Anjae

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #33 on: October 03, 2019, 02:22:44 PM »
This is a thread on HS, and not even a personal story thread. Not everyone has to agree with your sister, Shock.

I had a MLC. I am fully aware how it is. Your sister is telling LBS what they want to hear. Every time someones asks her something that does not toe the party line, she does not answer or you come by and tell people off.

She is incapable of saying, I did it. It is on me. Putting blame on OM and the LBS is not the behaviour of a fully recoved, or even of a recoved MLCer. I am sorry you, and many, think it is. It isn't.

Given that neither you nor many here had a MLC and I had, I am fairly sure I know a bit more about the matter than you or those of you who did not had a MLC.

Maybe you and your sister should think about it rather than react, not reply or answer this
whatever Anjae
Maybe you both should think why is the blame still directed to OM and LBS.

As far as I am aware, your sister is a grown up. Why do you feel the need to always come around and defend her? Can she not reply on her own like the rest of us?

Maybe that is something else for you to think about.

Getting up in arms because someone does not nod their head to all your sister says makes no sense, Shock. Becoming totally upset, because like with the rest of us she is challanged, makes no sense.

It seems to me you and your sister fear people who don't buy all your sister says. If so, why?

No need to apologize, Terrified.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #34 on: October 03, 2019, 02:32:45 PM »
Anjae
She has taken responsibility for what she did in ways you are not aware of and cannot possibly know.
The question put was why couldn’t the lbs be the fantasy person and she replied to that question in her own style.
She had her MLC and so did our father and I can tell you our father’s ow was extremely manipulative and also worked on our father for a year or more. Of course she told him what her fog fuelled brain was telling her but it was what she fully believed at the time and the om manipulated a vulnerable person into believing he was her saviour from a weak and needy man. The question was about then not now and again she answered with the advantage of hindsight.
If you cannot see that I don’t know what else she can possibly say.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 02:35:53 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #35 on: October 03, 2019, 02:35:35 PM »

Manipulative people recognise vulnerability and slowly but surely convince you that your spouse is undeserving whilst they would never be that way. The words puppet master may be offensive but manipulation is what it is.


Well said.
I've actually heard creep guys who actively prey on women who are "crazy".... now I know "crazy" is MLC.
Is that a puppet master? I think so.

I know what you're saying Anjae about them wanting what they want at the time. That's true. That also has to be very difficult to look at after the fact. I think Shocks has expressed this several times. Is that blame on self? I think so. Is there deflection that removes responsibility? Sure. People do this for all kinds of things, it's not unique to MLC. So they should we get so hung up on that? Because they hurt us? I'm not sure that taking complete responsibility is a sign they are out or not..... it depend on the person. There are people on death row who deny killing other people, they can't look at it. Why would some MLC'er be different (and I'm not saying Shocks is one of them)? BE one way, the break happens in the head, someday goes back to normal and not be able to face that. I think it's understandable. Talk about a total betrayal of self. I know people talk about loving the person and hating the actions....... isn't that true with MLC? When they are done if they can't deal with themselves (maybe forever) do we forgive them and move on? Do we have to pin them to a board, a board they themselves will pin themselves to for the rest of their life?

Compassion.

-SS 

« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 02:38:33 PM by Standing Strong »
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #36 on: October 03, 2019, 02:43:39 PM »
Well said SS

My sister lives every day with the knowledge she did this and every day regrets it.
She tries to relive the nightmare in order to help us. She puts herself out there in order to try to give us lbsers a glimpse into the mind of an MLCer and I know it takes her to places she would rather not go but she does so to help. This may be her way of atonement in some way but I know she puts herself through a lot to do this.
She focuses on her feelings and actions DURING her mlc not her feelings and actions now.

Shock and awe

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #37 on: October 03, 2019, 03:04:43 PM »
And of course they can both be true.

The OM/OW is probably a manipulator in many cases, but they are also being lied to by the MLCer.

I assume as a MLCer in that state of mind you can feel like you were manipulated, yet technically it was all your choice.

They are not mutually exclusive ideas.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online 3Boys4Me

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #38 on: October 03, 2019, 03:10:47 PM »
Shock Sis, thank you for continuing to answer our questions and to share your story and understanding from your perspective. I personally have heard you take accountability over and over again for your actions during MLC. Your MLCers responsibility aside, that doesn’t absolve the MOP/OP from their role and responsibility as well. I know in my situation how controlling and manipulative the OP is - my spouse has recorded her demands of him only weeks after affair discovery - and she was telling my spouse how they would be “out” publicly, at sporting events where our children would be exposed etc - my spouse at the time would ask “what about the kids” and she couldn’t care less - mind you our sons had been very close friends and the OW was a good friend of mine, our entire circle of friends and our kids were terribly impacted by all this.

So Anjae - you seem to enjoy defending the OP in their roles - lets be clear - each person has 100% responsibility for their own actions, and any OP who willingly inserts him/herself into another’s persons marriage and family has responsibility for the destruction of that marriage/family and the negative impact on the lbs children’s lives.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #39 on: October 03, 2019, 03:14:27 PM »
Which is why broken people attract broken people I guess.
The whole thing is a lie with each lying to the other and so it starts with lies and falsehoods.
I would bet the ow/om doesn’t tell the truth either and the mlcer lies their heads off but I still think the mlcer believes their own lies and I would think they would have to in order to justify what they are doing. They both wear masks do they not and the word fantasy is a nicer way of saying it’s one big fat lie after another and from BOTH sides.

3boys well said

Shock and awe
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 03:16:42 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #40 on: October 03, 2019, 03:18:52 PM »
Hi ss,
Do you think you fought going into  liminality?  If so what did you do , how did you feel , ? What was your behavior like?

Offline Anjae

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #41 on: October 03, 2019, 04:21:37 PM »
If you cannot see that I don’t know what else she can possibly say.

She can say it is all on her and stop pointing fingers to OM and her LBS, who should have wainted for her.

No cheated spouse, LBS or not has to wait for a cheater. Being allowed back into a marriage is a privilege, not a rigt.

She focuses on her feelings and actions DURING her mlc not her feelings and actions now.

When she is now saying OM was manipulative and her LBS should had waited she is not focussing on her MLC feelings. Her MLC self could not care less about her husband and OM was the one she loved. As tends to be the case with MLCers. 

The OM/OW is probably a manipulator in many cases, but they are also being lied to by the MLCer.

In many I don't know. Often OM/OW is just a normal person who will become jealous and manipulative because of the situation. Of course someone can be manipulative while being lied to by the MLCer.

However, it is irrelevant if OM/OW was, or was not, manipulative. The MLCer wanted an affair, got an affair, destroyed the marriage. The least the MLCer can do is fully own it.

It is also manipulation to lie to OM/OM and tell them the marriage is over, the LBS is a monster, the marriage is dead and so on.

Normal affair recovery 101 means the cheater fully owning their action. In MLC, with all that comes with it, it is even more important.


I've actually heard creep guys who actively prey on women who are "crazy".... now I know "crazy" is MLC.

They exist, but MLCers are actively looking for an affair. They are not an innocent victim or prey. They are totally into the idea. It was not OW1 that come after Mr J, it was him that called her. Before that he was chatting a bunch of women on-line. He is not the only MLCer that went after an affair.

When they are done if they can't deal with themselves (maybe forever) do we forgive them and move on?

If they can't deal with themselves it is their circus, their monkeys. We can forvige or not forgive. Each person is different. Most of us move on.

Do we have to pin them to a board, a board they themselves will pin themselves to for the rest of their life?

They will be forever a cheater that destroyed the marriage. And it may be good that they never forget it, in case they may feel tempted again. It is something they will cary with them for life.

The whole thing is a lie with each lying to the other and so it starts with lies and falsehoods.

More or less. It often is more lies from the married MLCer, often, not always. If both people are married, there will be a lot of lies from both sides.

I would bet the ow/om doesn’t tell the truth either and the mlcer lies their heads off but I still think the mlcer believes their own lies and I would think they would have to in order to justify what they are doing.

Speaking about Mr J's OW1 and OW2, OW1 may had said some minor lies, but nothing compared to his. I have their correspondence, I know what they were saying to each other. He lied, and lied and lied. Of course the MLCer is beliving their own lies to justify what they are doing.

I don't think fantasy world applies when the MLCer is living with OM/OW of married to them for years on end, sometimes 10 or so years. It applies while the affair is secret and early on when MLCer and OM/OW get together. With time, the fantasy erodes.


You couldn't be more wrong, 3boys. OM/OW are fully responsible for their actions. What I deslike is a MCLer putting the blame on OM/OW and the LBS instead of saying It is fully on me.

Putting the blame for the destruction inflected by our spouses on someone else is not right, be it on the alienator or LBS. OW/OW would had not been able to provoke any destruction if our spouse had not allowed for it.

HB has an article about it: https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/lifes-lessons-misdirected-anger-at-the-other-woman/
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #42 on: October 03, 2019, 05:02:05 PM »
"My sister lives every day with the knowledge she did this and every day regrets it.
She tries to relive the nightmare in order to help us. She puts herself out there in order to try to give us lbsers a glimpse into the mind of an MLCer and I know it takes her to places she would rather not go but she does so to help. This may be her way of atonement in some way but I know she puts herself through a lot to do this."


Thank you Shock, I agree with you and I understand your sis lives with what she did with regret, I hear it in her writings.  I think it is very unselfish of her to reach out to the LBS's who have questions.
I think you're sister is brave to help a lot of people on here and I hope she will continue to do so.

I have a hard time understanding why this would bother anyone.

Hugs to you both!  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Acorn

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #43 on: October 03, 2019, 05:56:20 PM »

A fully recoved would not be pointing fingers to the alienator nor to their LBS. A fully recoved MLCer would know it was on them. All of it.


I have a sample of one to offer.  :D

My husband completely stopped blaming God, his mental condition (foggy head, gone nuts, depression, stress), work, OW, me, our marriage, our kids, you-name- it, quite a while ago.

He said, ‘the buck stops with me.’  I put a lot of value on that.  If he was still blaming something or someone other than himself for his choices, he would still have some work to do on accountability.
I see accountability as an important marker of emotional maturity and one of the outcomes of MLC.

Still can’t say if he has come out of crisis or not.  Time will tell.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 06:02:22 PM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Limboland2018

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #44 on: October 03, 2019, 10:32:31 PM »
Shock sis

I have a question about leaving your child. My mlcer upped and left our marriage when our daughter was 2. He wanted desperately to be a father.i had given up having a child after numerous rounds of Ivf then he asked for one last try. Complicated story but our little miracle was born.

I never thought in my wildest dreams my mlcer could leave his child. While he was living near us he wouldn’t visit her or didn’t want to read stories, he was supposed to take care of her when I went away but suddenly had to go away himself. Then he moved countries to be with his woman. (If a man left a young child for me I would think he’s a nut job and would run a mile) I think that is why I had such a hard time believing he had another woman (until I had actual proof) and he was just stuck in a downward spiral of depression.

Anyway my question is how does it feel to betray your child? As the most important role model to the child how does one ever justify? I still find it hard to fathom how he did this. Perhaps if it was just me and the kids had left home I could understand but to leave a longed for child at 2 years of age? He said he cried for two hours when he left us to catch the plane to his new life. (No sympathy - big whoop)

Looking forward to your thoughts. Regards limbo
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #45 on: October 03, 2019, 11:26:11 PM »
Hi everyone,

I would like to put this whole thing of it’s my fault it’s his fault business in perspective.
I will explain this once and once only so here goes.
When I was in the early stages of what I now know was MLC I did strike up a friendship with om online though at this point it was purely a friendship. As I got further in the fog it became emotional but I still knew I didn’t want to progress it any further than that.
I was indeed the one who asked my ex h to move out for a while as I needed to try to sort out my feelings or lack there of.
I went to see him and we were taking it slowly but I still knew I didn’t want a divorce and so I asked him to give me time and asked if he could wait for me. At this time I had no intention of visiting om he was an escape as I see it now and nothing more was wanted other than that ego boost and validation.
My ex h promised me he would wait it out and that he wanted us back together.
Within one month of him moving out he met his now wife on a dating site and she got pregnant straight away.
I still didn’t go to see om but admittedly I told him what was happening and he then began in earnest with his manipulation. It was still a good few months before I went to visit om and he got me there by threatening to cut off communication with me if I didn’t. At this point my addiction to the feeling of something other than numbness was at its height and I was terrified that he would cut off the feel good factor he gave me that I agreed to go.
Yes I did wrong and I paid the ultimate price for that.
This in no way is a blame my ex h session because I did this, I was a broken person, a weak person yet I didn’t think I was at the time. It’s only with hindsight I see it.
I will not explain this again so I will leave it at that.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2019, 11:27:40 PM by Shockandawe »

Online Treasur

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #46 on: October 04, 2019, 01:06:30 AM »
Thank you for sharing that, ShockSis.
I hope you can feel that people value you and your own struggle here as well as finding some of these issues of blame, fault and intention very difficult in their own situations.

It sounds as if your xh made some rather unwise and precipitate choices in his own life too though, and you were not and are not responsible for those. We can all have some compassion for the emotions that might have led him to making them, probably you do too. And some raised eyebrows about two adults getting 'accidentally' pregnant like that and even if his now wife is an ow 'type' or has her own broken pieces.

But you were not responsible for his actions, only your own. It must have been a hell of a shock to you at a time when you already felt confused. I'm so sorry that this was what happened for all of you.

It is a good reminder - if a sad one - for LBS to resist the rush to date quickly as a way to make themselves feel better.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Keep believing

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #47 on: October 04, 2019, 03:14:38 AM »
ss,
I can understand that explanation. Hb actually described it like that as well. When my h was seeing/ talking  (in the beginning when i found out ),to ow, he screamed at me and said he could careless if he ever had sex again.  now that could have been a lie but it did escalate  into a full blown affair. I do beleive at times my h was probably told she would do something if he didnt listen to her.H helped me shovel the  snow last january. He hasnt been back to help with things i asked him to help me with since. he always would help.  I think ow found out he was helping me.  It has been 5 yrs with ow.  oh  in 2015 , ow found out that h never filed for d, when he did he told me that she wouldnt have anything to do with him if he didnt. (at least it was filed , he said)  So h did but then I was never served. ow tried to get a restraining order against me so we were in court.  in court she found out , i was never served and we had never been to court.   She turned to me and my lawyer and said "you were never served"   nope.   then 2 weeks later i was served. So for some reason these mlcer will do anything so they are not alone. or feel lonely is my opinion.

Online Limboland2018

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #48 on: October 04, 2019, 03:21:29 AM »
Shock sis you are a very brave woman to be so honest on this forum. Thank you. Limbo
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline terrified_in_TN

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #49 on: October 04, 2019, 05:08:54 AM »
SS,

  Thank you for taking the time to explain it.  I know it must be difficult to relive it.  If you haven't already, you might give a listen to Joe Beam's podcast on limerence.  Just like Keep Believing said, HB describes the process of how what starts innocently enough and progresses through crossing lines.  Joe Beam's explanation is probably the very best I have come across.  Although he doesn't talk of MLC that I ever recall, the process he describes is right on the money.

  This isn't just for SS.  It is for anyone who has not come across this before.  Its been a while since I've seen it posted:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HedcnxsxQH4

-T

[edited link]
« Last Edit: October 04, 2019, 06:07:00 AM by terrified_in_TN »

Offline terra

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #50 on: October 04, 2019, 08:20:57 AM »
Just stopping by to point out that accusing someone else of pointing fingers is, in fact, itself pointing fingers.

And to say that whether or not ow/om is manipulative to begin with, I don’t think it’s beyond the pale to notice that they sure become so once it’s clear there is a LBS/MLC/AP triangle in play. Or that some AP fight like hell and pull every manner of subtle or blatant “dirty tricks” to hang onto the partner they believe is rightfully theirs.

I value everyone’s story here and even and especially the firsthand accounts of MLC, fully recovered or still recovering. I do not find it helpful or reasonable in the least, to criticize an MLCer’s personal experience as voluntarily told — this is part of recovery, and I feel the engagement and contributed disclosures must be encouraged and welcomed, and appreciated.

It’s a rough road but I don’t see any good in anyone here making it moreso.

No questions from me; glad the thread is back on track, and thank you again, Shocks sis.

Offline MKnight10

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #51 on: October 04, 2019, 04:01:47 PM »
Quote
It is a good reminder - if a sad one - for LBS to resist the rush to date quickly as a way to make themselves feel better.

yep - it didn't make me feel any better, so I stopped. Its not the answer.

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #52 on: October 04, 2019, 07:41:15 PM »
I echo terra's post, in SCREAMING CAPS.
So sick of the finger-waggers and nitpickers

MKnight - ditto

Shock's sis, I have not posted here before; I do not not have many questions these days. Like so many others, I deeply appreciate the perspective you bring.
The ow around the corner is a manipulator, similar to your om, and KeepB's ow.  I cannot see the problem some people have in discussing them, they are a hefty piece of the puzzle

I do have a question now, about a coworker of mine who I care about. She is having problems in her marriage, and many things she is saying makes me think she is headed for a possible MLC. My heart breaks for her, because she is so confused and torn apart about what she is feeling. There is no om, and she isn't looking for one. She is just desperately unhappy, feels nothing for her spouse, wants to escape, and is drowning in guilt about it.
Did you go through anything like this, at the beginning, before the anger and resentment you have written about?
me 55, H 51
S13, S9 & S9
M 1/98

7/16 - BD  - PA - OW: 49, 3 divorces, no children
8/16 - Separated - I kicked him out; he moved into his
          shop
8/17 - BD2 - H employs OW at his shop, three
          blocks from my home
5/18  - H gets OW a new job, two blocks from my
           home. Keeps trying to break up with her
8/18 - BD3 - H says he wants his wife and family back,
          then decides to move in with OW two weeks
          later
10/18 - H back to living at his shop most of the time,
            but OW still around
2/19 - Immigration issues resolved, so D now
          possible.  H is welcome to file.

Offline MKnight10

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #53 on: October 05, 2019, 12:52:24 AM »
Hi SS

A quick question.....it could have been asked before, so I apologise if it has....

You have said your MLC lasted around 4yrs. During these four years, did your feelings etc, in particular around what you were doing, including your relationship with the OM....... did it all seem 'normal' to you?

Did you ever question yourself or your actions during these four years?

I say it over again, but thanks again for your insight.....its really appreciated and I hope you continue answering questions when you have the time....MK

Online Jackolar12

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #54 on: October 05, 2019, 06:43:09 AM »
Hi SHockSis, what’s the biggest changes in you since MLC, have your previous goals changed at all. Also what are your future goals. Thank you for staying with us and giving us your valuable personal insight into MLC. Take no notice of the few critics you “ROCK” to the majority of us.
Jack

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #55 on: October 06, 2019, 03:08:57 AM »
Hi Keep Believing

I take the word liminality to mean depression and facing what I couldn’t. If that’s so then I escaped for as long as I could allowing the fog of confusion and avoidance of what I would have to face to keep me from it.
As I began to emerge from the depths I started to feel as if I was not real anymore, that the person I had become wasn’t me. Sure there were parts of me but overall it was someone I wasn’t and I didn’t like what I had become.
Everything seemed surreal as I woke up if you like and I wanted to withdraw from the world as I was weak and exhausted. It was all I could do to drag myself from my bed every morning. I kind of went inside myself for a while but grew stronger.
If I had done this in the beginning maybe I would never have gone into MLC but I don’t think my brain could have handled it at that time as I was overwhelmed and I think that the brain does this as protection.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #56 on: October 06, 2019, 03:16:31 AM »
Hi Limbo

I didn’t leave my child though I did travel abroad to visit om. You have to try to understand that in MLC I was the most important person at that time and it was ALL about me and my wants. I justified it by thinking that my child would be spending time with her Father and no amount of people trying to tell me otherwise was penetrating my selfish armour.
As MLCers one basic similarity is the overwhelming selfishness. I think your husband is deep in the fog and so he is a world champion selfish person.
I am afraid I’m going to use the word time again for that is what this takes.
Don’t take it personally and be the same parent for your child/ children because your h is childlike himself at the moment.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #57 on: October 06, 2019, 03:21:31 AM »
Hi Steel Spine

Yes I went through all of those feelings and was sure I wanted my ex h gone from my life as I was sure it was his fault that I was so unhappy.
There’s really nothing you can do or say because if she is on the lookout for om then she probably already has one in her sights.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #58 on: October 06, 2019, 03:25:33 AM »
Hi McKnight

Lol my whole crazy MLC fantasy land movie felt completely normal to me until it didn’t.
Once clarity started to invade it began to feel strange and I was even more confused for a while but as more and more clarity took over I began to slowly stop running.
It’s so strange now looking back because I became the very things I disliked in others.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #59 on: October 06, 2019, 03:31:11 AM »
Hi Jack and thanks

I am a much calmer person now. I don’t let things worry me and I talk to Shock if I have something I cannot handle or feel overly stressed by.
I live peacefully and am content to have a good job I enjoy and look forward to spending time with my daughter. We have a very strong bond.
I would like to think I won’t be alone for the rest of my life but I’m content to do so if that’s what is in my future.
In MLC I just couldn’t be alone and cared only about the next minute. Crazy isn’t it?

Offline Puzzled

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #60 on: October 06, 2019, 05:06:54 AM »
Thank you so much, Shocks sis, for answering all these questions us LBSes have -- it is so helpful and reassuring to read your replies.  What I'm taking away from them is primarily that there is absolutely nothing I can do at the moment to change anything so it's best to relax and live life as best I can.
Me: 48 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 11 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly
May 2019: H gave up his job and moved about 1.5 hours to where D11 and I live

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #61 on: October 06, 2019, 06:19:19 AM »
Hi puzzled

That’s exactly what you need to do.
MLCERS are the epitome of selfish thrown in with a bit of teenage regression.
Carry on for yourself and let the MLCer get on with it.
They boarded the crazy train and they have no option but to travel through MLC, you LBSers don’t have to board the train with them. As I tell my sister, wave them off and get on with taking care of yourself.
I hope this helps
« Last Edit: October 06, 2019, 06:24:16 AM by Shockandawe »

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #62 on: October 07, 2019, 08:53:48 AM »
Hi Limbo

I didn’t leave my child though I did travel abroad to visit om. You have to try to understand that in MLC I was the most important person at that time and it was ALL about me and my wants. I justified it by thinking that my child would be spending time with her Father and no amount of people trying to tell me otherwise was penetrating my selfish armour.
As MLCers one basic similarity is the overwhelming selfishness. I think your husband is deep in the fog and so he is a world champion selfish person.
I am afraid I’m going to use the word time again for that is what this takes.
Don’t take it personally and be the same parent for your child/ children because your h is childlike himself at the moment.

Thanks so much for your response. Greatly appreciated. I find the total selfishness and lack of care for a young child totally gobsmacking. Plus his justifications for his actions beggars belief. I will never understand my mlcer....and I think that is ok.
Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

Offline Tyks

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #63 on: October 08, 2019, 09:44:20 AM »
I echo what steel spine said about finger pointing.

Thank you as for helping people here :)

My xh ow moved out of the residence they shared. She gave a plethora of reasons for why she was moving out. Then she told him that they could still be together but not live together.

Currently my xh has my d17 and my dog as I am having to put things into a container and move. The new house is not ready yet. I find it odd that he would take my dog, he even offered a fee months back when I went on vacation.

He has told me time and again that he regrets how bd went down but he would not change the outcome of us. If your xh was single would you have pursued him again?
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #64 on: October 08, 2019, 02:45:11 PM »
I’m late to the party (in the hospital) but I echo Terra and McKnight.

No good can come from criticizing others, especially those who are providing such a valuable service to HS.

ShockSis is the very last person to deserve lectures and/or negative banter.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 02:47:08 PM by megogirl »

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #65 on: October 08, 2019, 07:14:36 PM »
Goodness, are you ok Mego!  Can you share what's happened?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #66 on: October 08, 2019, 09:47:19 PM »
I have to say I agree with everything Anjae has said on this thread.

Let's take SS at her word, she got involved with a manipulative guy.

There are lots of manipulative people in the world-politicians, advertisers, spouses, bosses, coworkers, Nigerian online scammers, even real life OMs/OWs. We all encounter them in some form or another in our daily lives. MLCers are not unique in having to deal with them.

There are exceptional situations where people are truly powerless and get manipulated, poor homeless girls trafficked for sex for example, and it is hard to blame them for what happens.

But a married woman going online and chatting with another man already made her biggest mistake and sin right there. It doesn't matter if after that first step, she gets involved with the most laidback guy or the most manipulative, she stepped out of her marriage, disrespected her vows, and that was that.

If you allow yourself to be manipulated by anyone, it's a personal character flaw. MLC or a proverbial fog is no excuse.

The odd thing is that most MLCers don't like being controlled. They are looking for a pliable OP to control themselves. I think in many cases, when the OP actually does start to act controlling, manipulative etc., if they have any sense, that's when they wake up and walk away.

SS may be an exception, but as Acorn says, she's a sample of one and should not be seen as some sort of example for anyone else.

Of course there is a benefit of reading what SS says, even if it is just to see the mind of an MLCer who as Anjae I think rightfully points out, is not fully recovered or recognizing her responsibility.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 09:50:05 PM by Not Your Monkey »
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #67 on: October 08, 2019, 10:11:51 PM »
NYM, I like you a lot, but you are too late to stir the pot. We are out of spoons.
me 55, H 51
S13, S9 & S9
M 1/98

7/16 - BD  - PA - OW: 49, 3 divorces, no children
8/16 - Separated - I kicked him out; he moved into his
          shop
8/17 - BD2 - H employs OW at his shop, three
          blocks from my home
5/18  - H gets OW a new job, two blocks from my
           home. Keeps trying to break up with her
8/18 - BD3 - H says he wants his wife and family back,
          then decides to move in with OW two weeks
          later
10/18 - H back to living at his shop most of the time,
            but OW still around
2/19 - Immigration issues resolved, so D now
          possible.  H is welcome to file.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #68 on: October 08, 2019, 10:30:06 PM »
Bad news SS. I found a spoon.

Good news SS. I decided this post isn't worth responding to and put the spoon back in the bucket.
« Last Edit: October 08, 2019, 10:43:10 PM by MyBrainIsBroken »

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #69 on: October 09, 2019, 08:59:42 AM »
Savvy

I broke one side of my ankle (fall), then fell again trying to get onto my bed and broke the other side.

The only good thing about this unmitigated disaster is it got me out of court for another month, at least.

Sis, you keep me going.  I hope you can ignore the naysayers.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 09:23:55 AM by megogirl »

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #70 on: October 09, 2019, 10:17:54 AM »
Very objective observation, NYM. And objectivity is a great thing to have for LBSs. Maybe before accusing someone of pot stirring, see whether what they're saying is actually just presenting more food for thought in the pot.

Quote
The odd thing is that most MLCers don't like being controlled. They are looking for a pliable OP to control themselves. I think in many cases, when the OP actually does start to act controlling, manipulative etc., if they have any sense, that's when they wake up and walk away.

It was my xH's biggest complaint that he felt "controlled" and at one point early on he accused ALL of us of doing it (me, his family, OW). I think the only thing that roped him back in was that she learned how to finesse it a little better. Turnabout was fairplay as he did too - it was the joint energy of two disordered people that kept them both distracted from their own issues, and focused on the triangulation that kept everything ramped up.

Post-crisis, knowing I owned my own choices became freeing, and accountability was an important part of my healing process. I even saw it on the limerence forums I was watching for awhile - people didn't start healing at No Contact, or figuring out their limerent object was a bad person. The difference in people came when they made it a one-man healing show. Those were the forum leaders showing other people the way.

"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #71 on: October 09, 2019, 11:13:47 AM »
Shock, I’m sure you have a tough skin having come through what you have come through, I ask that you would use it for the sake of those who appreciate your time and effort.

I have followed your story from the beginning and read everything you write.  My husband is very similar to you in his MLC.  There has been no back and forth with him.  He is committed to his feelings of not being in love with me.  He has been a monster for most of the last year, but is settling down now.  Like you my husband has a parent who did this same thing.

It has been a year since he let me know how he feels(bd) and ended our relationship, though for now we are still married. 

We are beginning to reconnect in a friendly way only, but he is certain he wants a divorce.  My understanding is that it took you four years to realize your true feelings.  Had he been available, how strong was your urge, and desire to reconnect.  Do you think it would have taken a possible additional year for you to get the nerve up to reconnect, or at 4 years were you ready? 

Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline SteelSpine

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #72 on: October 09, 2019, 04:09:51 PM »
Maybe before accusing someone of pot stirring, see whether what they're saying is actually just presenting more food for thought in the pot.



Was this comment aimed at me?

If it was, please be assured that I did see exactly what Nym was saying, and in my opinion it was out-of-place on this thread.




« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 04:12:03 PM by SteelSpine »
me 55, H 51
S13, S9 & S9
M 1/98

7/16 - BD  - PA - OW: 49, 3 divorces, no children
8/16 - Separated - I kicked him out; he moved into his
          shop
8/17 - BD2 - H employs OW at his shop, three
          blocks from my home
5/18  - H gets OW a new job, two blocks from my
           home. Keeps trying to break up with her
8/18 - BD3 - H says he wants his wife and family back,
          then decides to move in with OW two weeks
          later
10/18 - H back to living at his shop most of the time,
            but OW still around
2/19 - Immigration issues resolved, so D now
          possible.  H is welcome to file.

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #73 on: October 09, 2019, 04:46:45 PM »
It wasn't aimed at anyone in particular, but did borrow the analogy for good measure. Guess we can agree to disagree on whether this different perspective belongs here.   
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #74 on: October 09, 2019, 05:29:49 PM »
Ok, so you now have a bonafide MLC'er willing to come and answer any lingering questions you may still have as to why your spouse bailed on you, and this is how you treat her?  If I was her, I'd tell you to kiss my ass.  She's here to help, which is more than I can say for some of you.  If you don't the answers or the conversation, don't let the door hit you.

 I'm not sure if you've just been triggered or just live to argue, but your insinuations and attacks are completely out of line.  She made mistakes, just like every MLC'er.  She never claimed to be the saints you seem to think you are.
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 05:30:55 PM by beyondblessed »

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #75 on: October 09, 2019, 05:31:27 PM »
OMG!!!

I can’t even believe SS needs a defense, but I’m sure she’ll get one in droves. 

She is only here to HELP LBS’, and I daresay she’s done a damn good job.  She doesn’t have to “do” anything; she owes us exactly nothing.

Please cease and desist antagonizing the ONLY ex-MLCer that is here now.  I don’t care how many were here 1, 3, 5, or 10 years ago, because that was THEN.  ShockSis is NOW!

« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 06:27:58 PM by megogirl »

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #76 on: October 09, 2019, 05:52:04 PM »
Totally BB..... 100%

Some people have gotten so ugly and I don't know why.
At one point I was really resolved to ask my W come on here when she is thru the tunnel and help like Shocks..... not anymore. I wouldn't put her thru that.

For the sake of argument, let's say Shocks WAS GETTING softballs (she isn't)...... what then? You drive her away so there's no resource?
BRILLIANT PLAN!!!

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #77 on: October 09, 2019, 05:53:12 PM »
It’s the latter BB and it seems always the same players. 
« Last Edit: October 09, 2019, 06:01:05 PM by Finding Joy »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #78 on: October 09, 2019, 06:04:58 PM »
Could we all please get back to asking shocks sis relevant questions about her MLC, any other discussions are not for this thread. It is imperative everyone treats each other with the upmost respect and please do not judge. We are all individuals in this mess and of course will have different opinions which should be respected also.

Now,for some relevant questions please.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Flabbergasted

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #79 on: October 09, 2019, 06:18:15 PM »
Savoir Faire: Hear, hear!
I believe in us, but most of all I believe in me!

Offline Caroline

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #80 on: October 09, 2019, 07:38:53 PM »
Shocked Sis,

 When you began to emerge from the fog... what signs would others around you see? If your xh had not left do you think you might have talked to him right away to let him know you wanted the relationship again or waited? I know this was not your exact situation just wondered how you felt....

hope you are doing well... thanks again for sharing from your heart.
 


Caroline

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #81 on: October 09, 2019, 07:59:02 PM »
I rarely visit this thread. Only occasionally do I peek and see what conversations are going on. I do not follow along as it is not applicable to me at all. It is one women story, her personal history , her thinking, her actions and her perceptions of her own MLC. That's it. It could be considered a novel or her memoir ...but it has very little to do with ANY other person in a MLC. This thread is about HER only . Her story is unique to her, her childhood experiences, her life experiences, her choices and her emotional intelligence. ETC . It says very little ( if anything) about my husbands MLC. There are major differences in his thoughts , interpretations and reasons for his actions.

And ( in my opinion) a man's brain and a women's brain in MLC are very different in how they process information, emotion and how they may interpret what "happy" even means. A women's experience may be entirely different than a mans. There may be some "common" stages to go thru but all people will do those stages differently as well...or some will get stuck and stay stuck.

All children have stages, things in common , milestones they should reach and stages of development ….and yet no 2 children are the same. I do agree that lapping this up like it is "gospel" ( especially for newbies ) is very dangerous indeed. This is only 1 persons experience and cannot possibly forecast how  other MLC "person" will experience their own. She is gracious enough to tell her story ...but that is all it is . HER experience with MLC. Period.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #82 on: October 09, 2019, 08:01:34 PM »
Once again, could we PLEASE have relevant QUESTIONS or thanks for what Shocks Sis is doing for us.

Thank you.  Back to QUESTIONS.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Stand Tall

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #83 on: October 09, 2019, 08:44:07 PM »
Patience, understanding, unconditional, time

These are the things that we are suppose to learn while GAL. In some cases on this thread I don't see much of this. After all the years spent as an LBS one would think that some of us would be professional in these areas. Guess not.

  SS I thank you so much for your time to help us in your own small way. To go through a MLC is not an easy thing and no person no matter how small should ever have to go through something that changes who they were supposed to be in their lives. I'm here for you with patience, time, understanding and my unconditional support for you.

Stand Tall
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #84 on: October 09, 2019, 10:04:44 PM »
Hi Tyks

If my ex h had been single when I came through my MLC yes I would have pursued him again.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #85 on: October 09, 2019, 10:13:53 PM »
Hi Finding Joy

It took 4 years to fully regain my feelings but clarity began prior to with the realisation that I loved him and always had. As I came out of MLC I felt so weak and had to take a hard look at what I had done and caused. This was just awful and to this day I deeply regret it.
My feelings instead of just not having any began coming in but would go again, this added to my confusion and in time they came through more and more until I knew I loved him. So yes it took the full 4 years.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #86 on: October 09, 2019, 10:15:05 PM »
Hi Mego

Sorry to hear about your fall and subsequent injury. Hope you recover well and my thoughts are with you.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #87 on: October 09, 2019, 10:28:12 PM »
Hi everyone

I would just like to thank you for your support. I don’t allow certain people on here to bother me and I feel they need to vent in some way. I will continue as I am trying to give a perspective on my own MLC. Just as no two people are the same no MLCer is the same although there are way too many similarities to ignore.
I am a lot stronger and do indeed have a much thicker skin than to allow them to bother me and I just ignore them and get on with my life.
Thanks again

Offline Bewildered survivor

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #88 on: October 09, 2019, 11:05:56 PM »
Hi everyone

I would just like to thank you for your support. I don’t allow certain people on here to bother me and I feel they need to vent in some way. I will continue as I am trying to give a perspective on my own MLC. Just as no two people are the same no MLCer is the same although there are way too many similarities to ignore.
I am a lot stronger and do indeed have a much thicker skin than to allow them to bother me and I just ignore them and get on with my life.
Thanks again

Best way SS. Only way to handle persistent bullying is to ignore until they get bored and carry on being you. The worst kind is when personal attacks are presented as debating, expressing opinion & challenging. My own interpretation when I read posts (always the same offenders) is disrespect, aggression, bitterness & perhaps some jealousy & attention seeking. It’s seems unless information is presented in a certain way, fits their own experience of their MLCer and acknowledgs their own MLC (which I’m really really bored and sick of reading about) then it’s not valid. I mostly ignore these posts despite itching to respond and gave in this time. I’m not sure why they feel the need to post on a thread that they don’t agree with- just stay away! There are also those that it’s sooo obvious (to me anyway) just come to light the fire and then walk away. I have no idea how after soo many years on this forum people still have the energy and time in life to do this- btw I don’t accept it’s always to help other newbies  LBS’s.

I’m an intelligent woman who does not need to be reminded constantly that SS’s is just one perspective etc etc- I know and so does she & I’m sure other newbies know to!  She can only answer questions truthfully and I believe that is what she is doing- despite the constant unprovoked attacks. I can’t comment on if your age still in crisis, are taking responsibility or not as I don’t know you.

I really appreciate your insight SS as so many others do. I take it for what it is- your experience. It helps me to understand MLC and I find it very interesting. Every human being is different so I think it goes without saying that your experience is going to be unique to you- personally I think that’s obvious and no one needs constant reminding of it.

Thank you SS.

Offline Standing Strong

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #89 on: October 09, 2019, 11:08:12 PM »
Hey Shocks,

Curious: I've always thought of MLC in terms of depression, anxiety, detachment, etc..... all the normal stuff.

I was talking with a friend who is an ex-MLC'er (F) and she mentioned something I hadn't heard before which was attachment issues...... my head perked up.... attachment issues?!!?!?
Tonight I was talking with W and mentioned this...... she perked up and said "I wonder if I have attachment issues???". (The answer is YES..... but I had never considered it, and neither had she).

Did you have attachment issues before or during MLC? I know you maintained being a mom during MLC, so not there obviously..... elsewhere?
Just something I hadn't considered before. Wonder if it's a common thing.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online megogirl

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #90 on: October 10, 2019, 06:58:25 AM »
Bewildered, you nailed it.  Every word.

There is nothing worse than the person who barges into someone else's thread to announce, “Yoo-hoo! I had my OWN MLC!”

Um....the thread was NEVER about you.  It was, and is, about the MLCer we were already discussing - ShockSis. If you wish to discuss your “own MLC”, kindly start a thread of your own, then have at it.  We will then choose whether or not we wish to hear it.

Until then...we only wish to hear from ShockSis!
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 08:32:39 AM by megogirl »

Offline Caroline

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #91 on: October 10, 2019, 07:38:17 AM »
Standing strong... such an interesting point about attachment... my H has always had issues with attachment to others.. when his brother was born (he was 10) he made it clear ( according to his family) that he wanted nothing to do with him...when we began dating his brother was a senior in high school and for a few years he discussed his dislike for him. According to them... if their dad wanted to take them both fishing he wouldn't go if the younger brother went.. He was full of hatred for his family and would often run away for weeks as a teenager and his mom would cater to him when he returned... But he didn't attach to anyone...

He had an accident where he broke his back and the friends that he partied with suddenly were not around and he turned his life around and began to attach to his family... he had one girlfriend after that who he fought with all the time...

I was the next girlfriend and they said I was the first goal he showed affection to and they were shocked how interacted with me... Your observation Standing strong this has given me a word to explain this ...and I would say that is why he has never had any friends and would guess that this is definitely a part of my H MLC... thanks for sharing....

I would love to hear SS incite on this in her experience...
Caroline

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #92 on: October 10, 2019, 07:43:09 AM »
My h also seems to have attachment issues.  He just dropped people for barely any reason, but I was in his inner circle and was an exception.  Until I wasn’t.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #93 on: October 10, 2019, 07:55:53 AM »
I think some people need to take a break. Good lord. 

SS  is helpful. Some like her thread and they are getting Vetter by reading and posting.  GOOD!!!

Now if you don't like SS thread?? Why in the world are you posting on it. Just don't read it.

It's not any of our jobs to  judge anyone.

It's easy to me. If you like this thread. Read it and post.  If you don't, stay off of it.

JMO.  Have a good one my friends.

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #94 on: October 10, 2019, 09:41:01 AM »
My h also seems to have attachment issues.  He just dropped people for barely any reason, but I was in his inner circle and was an exception.  Until I wasn’t.

FJ this is also true of my wife, but I also always knew she had borderline traits, which meant she would idolize people, then completely devalue them. Borderline includes some attachment issues. Slight variant of the same, but some part of me always knew and used to even say to her "one day you will turn that towards me."

Honestly I still feel for her, it must be an awful state of being, to not be able to accept a person and connect to them fully, good and bad.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #95 on: October 10, 2019, 09:48:03 AM »
I was going to stay out of this. Shock's Sis seems to be doing fine without any of us defending her. But I can't stop myself from jumping in because there is more misinformation being posted than I can stand. I apologize for prolonging the controversy.

Please cease and desist antagonizing the ONLY ex-MLCer that is here now.  I don’t care how many were here 1, 3, 5, or 10 years ago, because that was THEN.  ShockSis is NOW!

No offense intended to Mego but Shock's Sis is not the only MLCer or ex-MLCer who is here now although she is the most verbal. Most of us don't say much about our MLC experiences. Some of us have learned that it's safer not to mention them.

Cleary, some LBS are not able to understand SS's has been treated the same way every former MLCer that come on here has. The others were fine with the questions and LBS were not in up in arms because of them.

The first sentence in the above quote is partially true. The second is completely false. I've seen several MLCers come here, post honestly, develop devoted followings who appreciated their posts, and then stop posting because of the antagonism displayed on this forum towards MLCers in general and towards the specific MLCer who was posting. Several LBSes have been and continue to be extremely hostile towards MLCers who post about their experiences. I'm surprised Shock's Sis is still posting but perhaps she continues to post because it isn't true that she's been treated the same as all of the others. As hard as it is to believe, she's been treated better than most MLCers. Previous MLCers haven't had nearly as many LBSes who were to willing to protect and defend them. Members like Mego and Helpingme! and SS and Bewildered and many others have been inspirational.

Do not judge? Savy, eveyone is judged on HS on a daily basis. And has always been. Not judge when LBS daily judge their MLCer, insult their MLCer, the MLCers alienator?

A more true statement has never been posted here. This is what I hate about this forum. So many judgmental LBSes posting here. This one thread is almost like an oasis on this forum. Why would an MLCer want to spend much time on this forum when they are typically scorned and treated like the enemy. If you believe that they're going through a crisis perhaps you could find some sympathy and compassion for them. If not, perhaps this is not the right forum for you.

I have never before been in the presence of so many perfect people. I know the people on here who are so judgmental must be perfect because if they had flaws then they wouldn't be so quick to judge other people so harshly for their flaws.







I believe those of you who have started discussing attachment are on the right track. Here's a fairly basic article on attachment styles to get you started.

https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344

I would also suggest you take a closer look at disorganized attachment. Here's a pretty good article about disorganized attachment and some of its effects.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psychotherapy-matters/2018/04/disorganised-attachment/

For more in-depth information I would suggest reading some of Dr. Dan Siegel's works in the field of interpersonal and developmental neurobiology.

https://www.drdansiegel.com/books_and_more/

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #96 on: October 10, 2019, 10:00:56 AM »
Marvin, I always had a fear that if my husband could turn so hot and cold towards others, someday he would do it to me.  Here we are.
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 15 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Stand Tall

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #97 on: October 10, 2019, 11:47:10 AM »
  My H is another one with this attachment issue. It seems that everytime he gets close to someone and they accept him for who he is he drops them from his life. I also told him that one day it would be me. The thing is he always put him and I into his bubble and he always told people that we would never break up. That we were to close and knew to much about each other. He did allow one other man into the inner circle, but since MLC took over he has dropped this friend too. This man is also very troubled and very hurt by this.

Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #98 on: October 10, 2019, 11:49:21 AM »
Understanding my own attachment style and my husbands was a turning point for me . There are many free quizzes to identify your attachment style ( and many can "guess" to identify a spouses attachment style ). Just adding this link to the great info from MBIB. Invaluable to research and understand your attachment style.

https://thepowermoves.com/attachment-style-quiz/
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #99 on: October 10, 2019, 12:34:53 PM »
I'm looking forward to hearing what Shock's Sis has to say. I have lots of thoughts about attachment but don't want to hijack Shock's Sis's thread. This would be a good topic for a discussion thread if anyone wanted to continue.

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #100 on: October 10, 2019, 04:24:34 PM »
I just got an email from my MLCer - he has moved in with the OW and my 2 younger boys (now 14 and 15) refuse to spend the night with him. The OW was a close family friend of ours and my kids won’t have anything to do with her - she and MLCer have done the “flaunt and taint” thing at sports events and our boys are humiliated.

In the email he has shut off s14 phone (we each carry one of the boys). And he said he will continue to do so because the kids are “punishing him for getting out of a bad marriage.”  Monster has returned - I want to say no, the kids are angry with you because of the neglect, instability, lying, cheating, mental, emotional and physical abuse... yet his projecting of “bad marriage” crushes me - only months before BD he gave a two week second honeymoon to Europe, and I was still the “most amazing wife and mother” ...  so this is all surreal - as an MLCer - did you ever say cruel and mean things designed to just hurt your spouse - maybe as a way to deflect? After 2.5 years he can still crush me.
BD End of April 2017
Moved out - kind of, May 2017
Denied affair
Cycled hard April - Oct 2017, my son figured out affair, I confronted husband, we were going away as a family for the weekend - H monsters hard and files for a D end of Oct, 2017
D final Sept 2018
Many touch and goes
He lives in monster, kids haven’t been with him overnight since Jan 2019
Moved in with MOW, a former friend of mine, May 2019

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #101 on: October 10, 2019, 06:05:35 PM »
More than one person has suggested that if you “don’t like how SS speaks to you!”, you should refrain from posting on her thread.  99% of us appreciate her and what she has to offer.  Perhaps you are a bit jealous of all the attention she is receiving? 

BTW, you know NOTHING of my legal situation, so kindly refrain from commenting.  You are only embarrassing yourself - and badly. 

« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 06:11:06 PM by megogirl »

Offline Anjae

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #102 on: October 10, 2019, 06:34:56 PM »
More than one person has suggested that if you “don’t like how SS speaks to you!”, you should refrain from posting on her thread. 

How very nice of people. However, SS's should speak to me, and everyone else, properly. She is no more and no less than anyone else on HS. I don't have to like her tone, I don't have to stop posting. She has to speak respectfully, which she at times does not. She is a MLCer on a site for LBS, a fact she should always have in mind.

She should also alway have in mind she may trigger people. If, as she says, she is a recovered MLCer, she will understand it and why.

Perhaps you are a bit jealous of all the attention she is receiving? 

No, I am not jealous of the attention she receives. I find it dangerous to lead LBS in false hope and to sell them kool aid, even when the situations do not match.


BTW, you know NOTHING of my legal situation, so kindly refrain from commenting.  You are only embarrassing yourself - and badly.

I know what we all know. You you told us plenty. There is thread after thread with it. You bombarded us with it. All people have to do is look for your threads and posts. The story is there. The more recent newcomers were spared your vitriol, the rest of us were not.
 
I agree a lot of what is on those threads and posts of yours is embarrassing and bad.
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 06:37:09 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #103 on: October 10, 2019, 10:50:05 PM »
Shock here

Anjae in my opinion, given the fact you have no problem with giving your own opinions, I think you need to do a lot of inner work and fast. You come across as argumentative, aggressive, angry and bitter. Are you this way in reality? Nitpicking every word that doesn’t fit your particular situation.
There’s really a very simple solution here and that is if this thread makes you so angry why would you read anything on here much less respond?It seems obvious to me anyway that you enjoy the negativity of confrontation. Do you really need to be on a thread which obviously angers you? Negativity is not good for anyone.
I really do hope you have a life which isn’t filled with the anger and bitterness you portray on here because if that’s the case I feel very sorry for you.

May God bless you and give you the peace you so obviously lack.
Shock and awe
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 11:49:02 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline terra

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #104 on: October 10, 2019, 10:55:23 PM »
Shocks sis, and all, I have reported at least one antagonistic post from this thread. My question is for both you and also Anjae, and anyone else (former or recovering MLCer or otherwise) who has a bone to pick with the dynamics in the dialogue here.

While in MLC or during your recovery or return from the crisis, did people pick fights with you in real life, offline, the way some are doing here?

Thick skin or not, did/do these “tough love” or criticism conversations help you in any way?

For those with a bone to pick, former or recovering MLCer or otherwise:

Is this “tough love” or criticism approach something you have always had as your basic nature? Or is it something learned as a means of speaking your own truth and standing up for yourself, either in your own MLC or during your healing process as LBS?

And which is it? Did you learn this coping skill during MLC? Or did you establish it only as LBS and not during your own MLC.

I don’t like the dogpile that happens here and it’s not limited to Shocks sis or her MLC facts or offering. I don’t like dogpile dynamics on *any* person’s thread or story, *anywhere*. It’s not what I came to HS for, and I find it messy and not fruitful. So I *would* like answers from Anjae and anyone else as to their own MLCs. But to be honest I’d like to see those on your own threads.

Everyone here (and everywhere else) is a work in progress and that’s going to be true until the very last gasp. It’s not helpful to see any former MLCer here having issues with another former MLCer you weren’t and aren’t married to. So if you would, I’d like to know if any former MLCer here honestly thinks they have made a full recovery.

If so, if fully recovered, I would hope you’d see that one contributor’s conversation with those who find them kind and their story relevant shouldn’t be feeling dangerous to you. It doesn’t seem like it should affect you or your story, and for whatever any of it is worth to anyone, you could easily be offering similar insights on your own dedicated thread.

If not, if you yourself are still somewhat in recovery, why not back off on antagonizing anyone else who is still working on it.

Anyone is welcome to answer over at my thread or in PM. It’s sort of amusing that this thread keeps being derailed not by judgmental LBSs but by judgmental former MLCers.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 07:05:16 AM by Songanddance »

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #105 on: October 10, 2019, 11:07:47 PM »
Exactly Terra and very well said.

My sister chooses to just ignore both Anjae and NYM as she will not get dragged into the drama of people who come across as both extremely negative and angry.
She has seen enough anger during her own experience and simply will not get pushed into responding to people who will ultimately decide to argue.
I think we should all do the same because to continue to respond just feeds it, a little like monster maybe?
I will not respond to either of them anymore and I suggest everyone follows suit. After all, we have no control over anything or anyone else just ourselves.

God bless you all

Shock and awe
« Last Edit: October 10, 2019, 11:46:45 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #106 on: October 11, 2019, 12:23:58 AM »
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #107 on: October 11, 2019, 12:51:23 AM »
Terra,
Whilst Anjae states that she is a former MLCer NYM is not. Your words are a little ambiguous and suggest that she is. For the purpose of clarity NYM has not stated at any point that she is a former MLCer and if you are able to do so, please amend a few of your words so that your questions apply to both NYM and other former MLCers more precisely.

If you have difficulty doing so please PM me and I will adjust accordingly.
Thanks
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 12:52:34 AM by Songanddance »
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #108 on: October 11, 2019, 05:47:32 AM »
Good for your Sis, Shock, for ignoring the HS riff-raff.

Let me state for the record that all those who insist she’s still in MLC are ill-informed and delusional.  What person in MLC regrets their actions and then wants their spouse back?!

It amazes me how some people can live through this, yet still know absolutely NOTHING.
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 06:27:43 AM by megogirl »

Offline terra

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #109 on: October 11, 2019, 07:28:02 AM »
Shocks sis, and all, I have reported at least one antagonistic post from this thread. My question is for both you and also Anjae, NYM, and anyone else (former or recovering MLCer or otherwise) who has a bone to pick with the dynamics in the dialogue here.

For those with a bone to pick, former or recovering MLCer or otherwise:

I don’t like the dogpile that happens here and it’s not limited to Shocks sis or her MLC facts or offering. I don’t like dogpile dynamics on *any* person’s thread or story, *anywhere*. It’s not what I came to HS for, and I find it messy and not fruitful. So I *would* like answers from Anjae and NYM, as to their own MLCs. But to be honest I’d like to see those on your own threads.

Everyone here (and everywhere else) is a work in progress and that’s going to be true until the very last gasp. It’s not helpful to see any former MLCer here having issues with another former MLCer you weren’t and aren’t married to. So if you would, I’d like to know if any former MLCer here honestly thinks they have made a full recovery.

If so, if fully recovered, I would hope you’d see that one contributor’s conversation with those who find them kind and their story relevant shouldn’t be feeling dangerous to you. It doesn’t seem like it should affect you or your story, and for whatever any of it is worth to anyone, you could easily be offering similar insights on your own dedicated thread.

If not, if you yourself are still somewhat in recovery, why not back off on antagonizing anyone else who is still working on it.

Anyone is welcome to answer over at my thread or in PM. It’s sort of amusing that this thread keeps being derailed not by judgmental LBSs but by judgmental former MLCers.

Emphasis added for clarity. I prefer that you let my original post and this one both stand fully unedited.

There’s much to be said for the gift of former MLCers being willing to discourse and self-reflect for the benefit of the readership. I don’t know what it takes to be an titled moderator on any forum, and it looks like a difficult role to me, so I appreciate your stepping in on this thread. But I also see that your ask of me to edit my post exposes some slight bias. The crux of my post was to ask questions of those with a bone to pick, former or recovering MLCer or otherwise, and I believe my wording was and is sound.

If it doesn’t apply to any one reader/contributor, that’s fine and I accept the unstated self-assessment of that person; answer is a gift but not required. Really this is just to move the dialogue along and hopefully to a direction of self-review that profits either the one self-assessing and/or any who come here in hope of learning more about how others behave. No harm is meant in my words.

Ready, thank you for your answers; I have read them on your thread and will follow up there.

NYM, sorry for the misperception; I hope you are not very bothered by it and that Song’s moderator comment and my response serve to clarify.

Song, thank you for comment and offer to help.

Shocks sis and Shockandawe, sorry for derailment. My questions stand, and answers are a gift but not required.

The main thing for anyone concerned about new LBS readers getting the wrong ideas or hopes up from reading this thread or any like it, is that every time you go to town on and in such a thread, your comments boost it right up to the top of the list. That means this thread is very likely to be one of the first a new member reads. Especially as any comment at all moves it closer to the 16th page and opening a new thread. I don’t see that it is a popularity contest, so much as a technical fact.

As time goes on, we are likely to see other former MLCers on board here. Whether and how they choose to disclose and discourse may be decided by the way we allow or impede the dialogue here on Shocks sis’s thread. Here’s hoping for more acceptance and insight than shrapnel, going forward.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #110 on: October 11, 2019, 10:37:43 AM »
Terra, I've answered to you on my thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11158.msg744842#msg744842


Let me state for the record that all those who insist she’s still in MLC are ill-informed and delusional.  What person in MLC regrets their actions and then wants their spouse back?!

It amazes me how some people can live through this, yet still know absolutely NOTHING.

As a general rule, MLCers do not regret it after MLC and when they are fully healed, but when they realize what they have lost. That is, when there is no longer fog or most of the fog lifted.

There seems to be some confusion with MLC stages. It is not after the end of Reintegration, the last stage, that regret comes. It tends to be at the end of Replay, in Liminality or early Re-birth. MLC is far more than Replay.

Following Acorn's posts about her husband allows for understanding it in real time, since he has been walking on post-Replay stages.

MLC stages overview: https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_stages.html
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 10:50:19 AM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline beyondblessed

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #111 on: October 11, 2019, 01:01:02 PM »
Shock here

Anjae in my opinion, given the fact you have no problem with giving your own opinions, I think you need to do a lot of inner work and fast. You come across as argumentative, aggressive, angry and bitter. Are you this way in reality? Nitpicking every word that doesn’t fit your particular situation.
There’s really a very simple solution here and that is if this thread makes you so angry why would you read anything on here much less respond?It seems obvious to me anyway that you enjoy the negativity of confrontation. Do you really need to be on a thread which obviously angers you? Negativity is not good for anyone.
I really do hope you have a life which isn’t filled with the anger and bitterness you portray on here because if that’s the case I feel very sorry for you.

May God bless you and give you the peace you so obviously lack.
Shock and awe



Amen, to all of this.  Oh, and to answer the question that you directed to me,  Anjae, yes, I am quite aware that you've had your own MLC.  It just has absolutely no bearing on Shock Sis's thread, which is why I never felt any kind of need to acknowledge it.

I must say though, that for having one and dealing with someone else's for a decade +, if this is what recovery looks like for a MLC 'er, then I'm glad to have nailed the door shut and completely cut the cord because there is no way in hell I'd ever live with someone who appears to still need that spotlight and external validation 100% of the time.

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #112 on: October 11, 2019, 01:13:46 PM »
Everything beyond blessed just said

There is nothing more annoying than one who hijacks another’s thread with their *own* plight.

Yet it keeps happening over, and over again....SERENITY, NOW!
« Last Edit: October 11, 2019, 01:47:02 PM by megogirl »

Offline Anjae

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #113 on: October 11, 2019, 03:07:05 PM »
Thank you, Song. There is a difference between what I come across and what I am. This is written word. There is no voice tone, not facial or body expression.

What you wrote could not be further from the truth. You would be pressed hard to find someone in the real world that thinks what you think.


The mods can split a thread if they see fit.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #114 on: October 12, 2019, 01:12:39 PM »
Hi 3boys

I think he’s still deep in it. I was extremely selfish and thoughtless and if anyone tried to tell me, advise me or reason with me I would immediately ignore everything they said for they were wrong and I deserved a fabulous movie star life.
Until I began having clarity nothing and no one could convince me otherwise.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #115 on: October 12, 2019, 01:22:10 PM »
Hi BIB

Well I had to think quite a bit about this and I know I did have a problem with abandonment issues. Attachment has always been something I went all out for and was fearful of abandonment. I think this stemmed from our father having his MLC and abandoning us in favour of his ow. From my own experience during MLC I felt as if I spent the biggest part of my life alone. Even as a child I felt as if I was the loner. As Shock and I are very close in age I was only 13 months old when she was born and I was only a baby myself. Although I understand that our parents never favoured one child over the other that is how it felt to me. I felt as if I was pushed out.
Something I thought about was that although in MLC I was like a rebellious teenager and although I didn’t realise it I was healing the broken child inside. I think this is the purpose of MLC and I healed even though I didn’t realise it.
The fact I don’t feel as I did about my life long issues is testament to that.
Glad you’re back btw.
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 01:48:41 PM by Shockandawe »

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #116 on: October 12, 2019, 01:54:44 PM »
Hi BIB

Well I had to think quite a bit about this and I know I did have a problem with abandonment issues. Attachment has always been something I went all out for and was fearful of abandonment. I think this stemmed from our father having his MLC and abandoning us in favour of his ow. From my own experience during MLC I felt as if I spent the biggest part of my life alone. Even as a child I felt as if I was the loner. As Shock and I are very close in age I was only 13 months old when she was born and I was only a baby myself. Although I understand that our parents never favoured one child over the other that is how it felt to me. I felt as if I was pushed out.
Something I thought about was that although in MLC I was like a rebellious teenager and although I didn’t realise it I was healing the broken child inside. I think this is the purpose of MLC and I healed even though I didn’t realise it.
The fact I don’t feel as I did about my life long issues is testament to that.
Glad you’re back btw.

Sis this is a great reply and really interesting in bold. Thanks for taking the time.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
BD3 - Sept 2019
MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2018
OW2 - Feb 2019, age 30
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #117 on: October 12, 2019, 02:31:47 PM »
I thought the exact same thing, Rose - about the words you put in boldface.

Others have also mentioned “healing the broken child inside.”  It would stand to reason.  I guess I will just never understand why the MLCer feels compelled to kick their spouse to the curb in order for that to happen.  How does that help to heal anything?

RCR says every repression, and memory, of their broken past is (subconsciously) dealt with during MLC.  Perhaps that’s why the MLCer is so different afterwards - because they are finally cleansed of all their demons? 

That’s what I’ve envisioned, anyway...!
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 02:34:45 PM by megogirl »

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #118 on: October 12, 2019, 06:58:43 PM »
Thanks for your response SIS. It means a lot to me since I'm still trying to heal the broken child(ren) inside me. I hope my wife manages to heal the broken child within her as well as you have.

Glad you’re back btw.

Thanks for this too. It made my eyes water a little. One of my biggest issues is not only feeling alone but feeling like I don't belong anywhere.

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #119 on: October 12, 2019, 08:26:40 PM »
Think about it Mego. His mind is taking him back to a time when you weren't a part of his life. He didn't have a wife when he was 4 years old. He's re-living that time and you weren't a part of his life then.

Edited to add the phrase "in my opinion". I keep forgetting to include that. :P :P :P
« Last Edit: October 12, 2019, 08:29:41 PM by MyBrainIsBroken »

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #120 on: October 13, 2019, 05:10:38 AM »
Brain

Fair enough, but what about all of the other people in his life?  Our son?  He wasn’t around when XH was 4 years old, either, but he is still treated normally.  He wasn’t a corporate exec when he was 4 years old, but he still has a job.

I’ll never figure it out....!
« Last Edit: October 13, 2019, 05:13:16 AM by megogirl »

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #121 on: October 13, 2019, 07:54:20 AM »
Hi Mego

My issues didn’t affect my feelings for my daughter and I could hold down a job too.
I realise I blamed and projected all of my negative feelings onto my ex h. As I said I was a rebellious teenager and as such I didn’t recognise my ex h as being important and therefore I discarded him with no questions to myself as I was convinced I was right to do so.
I compartmentalised a lot.
All the time I now know I was healing the shattered part of me and this is why it takes so very long.

Offline ShockandaweTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #122 on: October 13, 2019, 07:55:32 AM »
BIB

I feel you understand what I am attempting to portray. A kindred spirit if you will.

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #123 on: October 13, 2019, 09:12:07 AM »
Yes Sis - Brain knows the MLC drill!

Do you suppose my XH will also feel that he’s slayed the MLC dragon too?  Is it a conscious feeling, one that you can easily acknowledge now that yours is over?

I ask because i know exactly what happened to my ex (neglect/abandonment), and hope that one day he’ll recognize it, too. 
« Last Edit: October 13, 2019, 10:36:59 AM by megogirl »

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #124 on: October 13, 2019, 10:33:14 AM »
Hi! I have a question and forgive me if it's one you've answered in previous threads. I've gone back and read some of them but am still figuring out how to navigate this site.

Could you give any insight into your beginning steps out of the tunnel and then a return to the tunnel?

I ask because my h and I were separated for 1.5 years. He was deep in the tunnel. At the end of April this year he asked to come home. Things were going well (I didn't talk about the relationship, worked on myself, supported him as best I could, didn't say anything about an MLC, etc).  At the beginning of August he used his adult children not liking me as an excuse to run back into that tunnel. It's been hard because I didn't really know about these starts back home until after he left again and I went searching.

Also, I'm pretty dim right now with him. I think this is probably the thing to do as he has to work through whatever is going on with him. He does want to remain "friends"  ::) although he's not really treating me like a friend (I know typical script). I'm just doing me. When he contacts me, I try and be kind but a little distant. Which is weird for me because part of what happened was him disclosing that his adult children don't like me and then he began to systematically disconnect from me.  Two weeks of that and he told me we didn't have a "connection"  and should just be "done."  So I guess, if I'm distant, does that continue to feed into his narrative that we don't have a connection, or would it not matter at all because he's back in the tunnel?

Thanks for any insight.

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #125 on: October 13, 2019, 11:26:15 AM »
I also had my x leave for a year. And he wanted to come home. I knew he was still
In crisis but I wanted him home. 6 months was all it took and he ran and a major bd.  He also said we a best friends. If that’s true no wonder he has no friends.... lol but true. He said he had been trying to regain the love but just couldn’t ... probably because is 28 year old assistant was now his focus.  He now has vanished. So much for being best friends.
My point is he is early in MLC probably half in half out. I would be very cautious.
Just my opinion.
M 53
H 48
M 12 years; together 17 years
D18, S28
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #126 on: October 13, 2019, 05:30:38 PM »
Hi Shelly, I spoke with an MLC man who left his wife and family for a fit 28 year old.10 years later he realised she had issues and just wanted a father figure.He tried to return but the LBS wouldn’t even see him, he bitterly accepts his fate but life goes on and he’s with another woman.
Regards
Jackolar

Offline Aaron

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #127 on: October 13, 2019, 08:53:05 PM »
Hi I'm new married 10 years im 36 wife 32 to a wonderful wife have 2 amazing boys 7 and 9 wife adored me loved me with all her heart march 19 my father passed away in front of us he fought pancreatic cancer for 6 months my wife and him were close they worked together and my wife was taking him to kemo and doctors appointments that i couldn't. Three weeks after he died on my birthday my wife left me.since she left she has wanted nothing to do with me no contact at all for first 4 months we had 2 weeks of contract where she told me she didn't care about anything anymore and she was numb i found out she has been sleeping with multiple drugys and hanging with drugys she has been sleeping with a guy 10 years younger than her no job no license no place to live and drinks all day long and does drugs she has laughed in my face and said its non of my business what she does so we now for 2 months been back to no contact she hates me she wants nothing to do with me or the kids she blames me for everything and has lied and made up things this past week she asked our boys hows daddy doing and then told them im dumb for finishing our house and its wrong that I'm doing it for her and it is not bringing her back anyway i can get her to continue to think about me in a good way like before bd

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #128 on: Today at 01:49:51 AM »
Aaron, 32 years is young for MLC, do you think it might be the start of an early peri- menopause causing your wife’s out of character behaviours. As a benchmark look to her mother and the timeline she went through. Take good care of your health and keep your strength up as this is a rocky ride.
Jack

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Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 9
« Reply #129 on: Today at 03:29:12 AM »
Aaron - it may be MLC, maybe reactive depression, or something else...but imho the labels are less helpful than trying to accept two things.

One - whatever it is, it is not caused by you and you can't fix it
Two - whatever it is, the behaviour you can see is real and in practical terms that is the version of your w that you are having to deal with right now.

Time will allow you to reflect on the bigger why's and whatnots about who your w was and how you choose to feel about her in future.

It sounds as if the SHTF earlier this year?
You might find it helpful to start your own thread and give us a few details of your immediate challenges so we can support you better?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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